vludens
2 years and finally braving a consult
Oct 26, 2012
I just started this page, and this journey. It's been in the back of my mind a few years now and I guess I hope writing my feelings will help me make sense of this new path I am approaching.
2 years ago, I just had my rainbow baby Isaac and life was incredible vivid and miracles were real. I had survived 2 miscarriages (one was Isaac's twin sister) and a still born daughter. My 8 year struggle for another baby was finally done! I could breathe. Or so I thought. The weight I had put on going through treatments to get my miracle son was heavily weighing on my body and mind.
I had spent YEARS suffering one way or another. Putting my body through hell and back. Could now be my time? My time to heal and be me again? Looking in the mirror wasn't a problem. I like me, love me even. I just want what I feel in my heart to match what I see in photos of me with my children.
After speaking with a dietitian and surgical nurses at the Bariatric Unit, I decided this was the time. I was healthy and working on my weight loss. Isaac was a healthy baby and Caleb was doing amazing. No planned surgeries in sight. This was me time! I mean I was done having kids right?
Thinking about me almost made me forget my other half. I spoke to him about how I felt, what I had already learned...he wasn't thrilled. He was worried about the surgery and the "what if's". Then came the quiet truth...what if you loose this weight and move on to someone better? Ouch. After all we had been through I had a VERY hard time digesting these words. How!? How, could this even be a thought?! We have been through so much, we have invested so much...I could never. I stepped outside myself and thought of if it was him. How would I cope. It would be hard to see him become more fit, more confident...I would feel left behind. Almost like I was rewinding time and leaving him in the present for the past.
The other big thing it took some time of talking about was baby#3. I was VERY clear I didn't like to gamble. With my life nor could I go through 8 more years of hope for more lost babies. I told him I would think one week on it and we would come back to discuss. He told me to think hard about not having a daughter. He said I would "regret" not trying for her. I laughed him off.
A week later I came to the table. I had the idea I would try one year of fertility treatments and then I would close that chapter of our lives. I felt it was more than fair. I would go back on treatments and we would do our best with God's will. The 12th month we conceived our daughter Abigail and her sister we lost 7 weeks into the pregnancy. I thought it would never happen! I had faith but in the end it was weak and God showed us his plan. In the nick of time!
Abby is now 1yr 4mo. I had a very hard and complicated pregnancy which led me to an emergency c-section. That was awful mentally and beautifully perfect physically. When she turned 1 year I told myself I would again, look into bypass surgery. She turned a year and I told myself it wasn't going to help. I didn't need surgery because nothing could help fix me. Nothing could cure this evil PCOS and Endo had done to my body with years of hormone treatments and fertility meds.
I was always average weight. Healthy and happy. My cycles weren't. I was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis. I was a cheerleader, on the dance team and volleyball. I was healthy weight 125 in HS and saw my older sister's health decline about puberty due to PCOS. I thought I had dodged a bullet.
I married young, had my first child (honeymoon baby) and that is when life and my body went 2 separate ways. I got pregnant on birth control. Our joke was it was due to my antibiotics from my sinus medications. I was never a regular cycle so it was a shock to us. Happy, but shocking. After that my cycles never came back, EVER. I went back on BCP and thought nothing of it. After 6 months I started to gain weight rapidly...I was 170lb pregnant up to 202 by the time Caleb was 9 months?! I was lost and hurt. I thought I was doing something wrong. Easy to think since I lived in hospitals due to Caleb's Cerebral Palsy diagnosis and medical declines. My life was in a tail spin.
3 years later I got over my fear of my first pregnancy and we spoke to my dr about me not having cycles for 3 years. They suggested I see an Reproductive Endocrinologist and from there we found out about my PCOS being triggered by my first pregnancy. The hormones and treatments made the weight pile on and by the time I was pregnant with Isaac I was 240lbs. I thought I was doing good only gaining 15lbs with him and again 6/8 months after I ballooned again this time I was at 255lbs and holding.
Hence my fear and wanting bypass 2 years ago. After Abby, I am now sitting at 279.6 (280lbs in my head) and holding. I have tried diets. I journal my intake and calories. I work out 5 days a week alternating cardio and weights. I don't know what to do. I feel fit mentally, I feel positive and healthy in my mind but my body isn't there.
The PCOS is terrible and out of control. My type 2 diabetes from the PCOS isn't behaving and my arthritis is terrible. I have had my gallbladder removed. My left knee scoped and 2 collapsed lungs which make breathing and life in general hard. I need to be healthy for me but also for my family. I have 3 miracles who did all they could to be with me...now I am going to do all I can to be with them as long as I can.
