yahpraiser
Trying to find peace with it all
Jul 09, 2012
Well this really is a wild ride. You think you are prepared mentally for it all but you aren't. I have kinda dealt with it the way I do sometimes. Ignore it and maybe it will go away. It doesn't though. People ask me all the time if I would do it again. I can not say yes or no. I like and dislike things about it equally. I enjoy the weight loss. I enjoy buying clothes in any store I go into. I enjoy the positive comments and moving around better. I like making myself up and getting my hair done ( which I never wasted money on before. what was the point I was never gonna look good) I like seeing a different me. I am only 10 lbs away from being the smallest I have been in my adult life. I have lost 143 lbs in a little over 4 and a half months. Yeah that is great. However, the mental stuff is not.I loved food. It was my source of pleasure, comfort, and satisfaction. I have always known this relationship. My mother has the same relationship with food. I learned at the very youngest of ages. I now have a relationship with food in a negative way. I cant eat alot of things because they don't agree with my pouch. Food is almost an enemy now. I miss my friend and my comfort. I miss tasting and enjoying the meal. Mixing flavors. just the pure act of having a meal. When you are finished after a couple of bits there is no act of eating involved. You don't have time to savor or combine flavors. Its just over before it really begins. Its really sad to say that missing the act and pleasure of it weighs so heavy on all the positives that I experience.
I need to see a counselor of some sort to try to get past the loss. I actually grieve for my old friend food. I wouldn't have believed it if you would have told me but it is true. I have been waiting for the feeling to go away. I thought with time maybe it would. I was angry all the time at first. Now I am more numb and sad sometimes. I have to find something more positive to replace it but for the life of my I have not been able to come up with it. I know it doesn't need to be anything counter productive of habit forming like drugs, and alcohol. Which I don't even desire. I just don't know. Anyway I haven't blogged because I don't want to admit the turmoil I feel over all this. I think I need to start though. Maybe that is the beginning to healing.
