How we change

Oct 11, 2010

Today I am exactly 5 months post-op and I am just awe struck at how much I have changed since the beginning of this journey. And I am not talking about only the physical transformation. I am speaking about the change that also took place inside. Inner peace has finally found me. Feeling in control of myself and my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this surgery would help me with my inner demons. Besides finding new confidence & peace, I found out I have a heck of a lot of inner strength. Also I found out that when you are not so focused on feeling embarrassed or inadequate all the time, you have so much more time to be a much more loving and caring human being for your friends & family. I feel like I am seeing so much more than I have ever see before. For the first time ever in my life I like myself and have found that I love everyone around me so much more. I can actually tune into what is going on around me so much more than ever before. So, I wonder if anyone else has this revelation. I doubt it, but wish I could find more about this.
    I am thankful for what I have received. Not a day goes by that I don't remember the sad pathetic person I used to be. Hating life, myself and practically everyone & everything around me. No positive outlook on anything. No true goals or ambitions in my life. This has all changed for me now and thank god I am not that person. I still worry that I am still dreaming and will wake up and be that old version of me. I hate her and will do almost anything to not be her again. But thanks to her I can appreciate every thing that much more now. I can smile and it's a real smile-straight from the heart. 
     So, on different note. I have crossed over into a size 12 jeans. This is the first time I have been able to wear this size in about oh, say about 15 years. When I see this number I am, once again, amazed that I let myself go for so long.

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