ObesityHelp

I just can't handle the attacks on people any more who ask food questions.  The self-righteousness of some people has just gotten under my skin, and I'm done with it.  I'll miss the few that were supportive, but there's just too many that aren't, or are plain out rude to other people saying they're trying to "help" or use "tough love".  It's BS. 

Thank you to those that were helpful!

When Kirk and I went to the Nutritionist for our class, one of the questions I asked her was "How do you know when you're genuinely hungry?"   Her response was "That's a good question, not one I get very often.  Your stomach might gurgle, start to hurt, feel empty, you'll start salivating."

For about 5 days now I've felt like my stomach has been trying to digest it's own lining.  Until yesterday I had basically no digestible food, and was consuming about 60 calories a day because all this protein crap was making me sick.  Was I throwing up? No, because I couldn't even get to the point to let it cross my lips.  My biggest fear was ending up throwing up and tearing stitches out of my stomach, yeah, I know not likely, but I have enough pain and bad luck.  I don't need anymore.

I succeeded in getting a little more fluid and a little more protein in yesterday (friday, Day 8), but clear liquids only go so far to make you feel full or even remotely satisfied.  So today, I gave in.  I ate 4 teaspoons (TEAspoons) of unsweetened applesauce, over the course of 2 hours.  Then about 1/10 of a teaspoon of refried beans, and an even smaller amount of chicken, which was very moist.  I chewed the chicken, until I felt like it was liquid in my mouth.  I feel better. My stomach isn't burning, I don't feel like I'm going to go crazy from pure hunger, and maybe I didn't follow doctors orders to a T, but I did what I had to do to feel better.

Maybe not every rule fits every patient.  Did I eat a steak with all the fixings? No, did I eat sugar or something I knew was plainly bad for me?  No.  I ate a tiny bit of what I would eat on thursday, 5 days early.  

I told a friend what I had done, and she said "Oh no!  What can we do to make you be on liquids for the next 5 days?  We need to get you some willpower!"   This offended me.  Because some doctor somewhere wrote a general script for "everyone" to follow, I'm supposed to ignore blatant cues from my body telling me "I need food".  

There have been times in the last 6 days, where I felt like I was fighting to stay concious, I was scared friday morning considered asking my husband to come home to be with me incase something happened.  I couldn't wake up from my sleep, I was aware enough to know I was in trouble, but didn't feel like I could do much about it.  I lucked out, I managed to get my new protein drinks off my porch, not with out major effort and feeling like I was going to faint.  

Now I feel like I have to explain myself to someone who has no idea what I'm going through.  I feel like I owe myself an explaination for my failure.  But did I really fail because I couldn't make it 14 days with out food, some arbitrary number that is supposed to be the notorious "One size fits all".   As fat people we should all know that "One size fits very few".  

Physically I feel better, mentally...I actually feel a little more alert, emotionally I feel like a failure.  But what else is new in the life of this already depressed agoraphobe.

Somethings never change.

NO F'ING GOOD!

I really don't know how to explain the lack of food to you.  It's all consuming.  I DREAM about food.  But I also dream that I catch myself eating it knowing that I'm doing damage to my body.  Lasagna and garlic bread, In & Out double double animal style, bbq chicken, ribs.  I'm going insane.  I have moments when I feel like I'm literally going to lose my mind if I don't eat something.  I can only imagine this is what detox feels like.  Strangely I don't want "a lot".  I'm not in the mood for "take me to an all you can eat buffet so I can bankrupt the place", just more of give me 6 bites of X, Y, Z.  Come on, just 6 bites.

Day 4 was probably the most miserable.  The yearning for food made be so angry, emotional, frustrated, sad, I think I had every food emotion possible.  Do I feel hungry, yes.  Sometimes, but I'm having a hard time getting protein in, so I really do feel like I'm starving.  This is true for days 4-6, all of them.   Protein powder, shakes, Isopure, those freakin' gasoline tasting new whey shots, all make me gag.  I try to get close enough to drink it and the smell overwhelms me and makes me want to start dry heaving.  I just simply can't.  Is it mental?  Maybe, am I willing to chance it? No frikkin' way.  I'm miserable enough with out the issues that would give me if I did end up spitting it back up.  

Today (Day 7), hasn't been quite as bad in the "I'm so bitchy I can barely stand myself" department.  I've had my moments where I felt like if I didn't eat something right then my entire body would explode in rebellion.  The little devil on my shoulder kept saying "There's a lean cuisine lasagna in the freezer, that can't be too bad! Go nuke it and see what happens".  Then logic kicks in and says "It's pasta, it's tomato-y acid, it's cheese...and it's gonna hurt like holy hell if you eat it, not to mention it WILL come back up because you're just not ready for food."   Ready or not, here I...ok, ok, I haven't cheated, although I smell someone cooking bell peppers right now, and I'm thinking about going to crash their dinner party.  What's with me and the green peppers??? I like them and all, but sheesh, never liked them that much.  I guess.

Today my dear friends from Susan Branch Studios sent me flowers for encouragment and love, it was the sweetest thing ever.  A totally shocking suprise, a grand bouquet of Stargazer Lily's, lilacs, roses and beautiful greens.  I had no idea they were coming, and never would have guessed who they were from.  When I opened the card I cried.  It was so sweet.    Sue, Judy and Kellee have all been uber supportive of this since I told them.  I couldn't ask for better friends!

So I talked to my doctors office today and told them I couldn't get any protein in.  All that protein crap makes me sick.  So she suggested Proti-Diet drinks.  Supposedly they're really good.  We'll see how much they taste like jet fuel to me.  They come in a little packet with LIQUID not powder.  Reviews say they're good, someone recommended them to me on the OH chat room.  Doc says they're a complete protein, so I spent $75 on getting things overnighted to me because I can't do the other stuff.

The one good thing about today.  Drinking water doesn't seem to hurt anymore.  So I've gotten more liquids in today than I have in the last 7 days put together.  Go me.   Finally.  I think I'm getting kidney stones.  Hopefully I can start suckin' down the fluids so I don't end up with more trouble.

Guess I've ranted enough for a day or two, I see there have actually been a few people perusing my blog.  Wow, I'm honored, thanks all of you!  Keep posting.  It makes me feel good to know I'm not the only one on this spiralling hell bound boat.  Oh, wait, they keep telling me it'll get better....right now...I'm not so sure.

Day 3, Sunday, was a hard day for me.  I woke up not feeling too well, sore and achy and just kind of miserable.  It didn't seem to get better through the day.  I couldn't stomach the thoughts of any proteins.  I did try to get down some pudding with meds and protein powder, but after that was gone, I couldn't imagine getting any more in.  The only thing that seemed ok after that was popsicles and crystal light slurpees.   So that's what I had. 

I get really emotional once I'm in pain.  Thinking about how I regret doing this and what not but if I'm not in pain, I'm not having a very hard time with it.  I have to admit the head hunger is a little weird.  Talking with people about food makes me "want" to eat something.  Crackers, Chicken Nuggets, Green Bell pepper (where'd that come from?), mashed potatoes all sounded good in the "i need something in my mouth" catergory.  But not so much when I thought about the pain it would cause eating it.   Over all day 3 has been the roughest for me so far.  I can't really pinpoint why, but I was glad to go to bed and have the day done with.  

Kirk and I managed to get out of the house for a while, we went to do some shopping.  Ended up trekking around looking for a margarita maker, we didn't find the one we wanted, but by the time we would order it and it would get here, I'd be moving on to pureed foods anyway.   We went to GNC to try to get some of those protein shooters, I tried one later in the day, oh my god, I about gagged to death.  It tasted beyond horrible.  I think those were a wasted purchase.  Glad I didn't get a whole case of them!  I'll try a different flavor later on when I'm more in tune to having something other than a slurpee.

I try to stretch the time out a little more after each medication dose, last night I went 8 hours between lortab elixir doses.  Around hour 7  I started to have a little mental freak out.  "Is this going to be this painful for the rest of my life?  Is this something I'm going to have to think about 24/7 for the rest of my life so I don't "screw up"?  Is this gas ever going to go away?"  I talked to my husband about it and started to cry with regret and pain.   Then it dawned on me...My stomach hurts.  I had a mental symptom before I really realized the physical symptom.    When I start having regrets, and becoming overly emotional about it, it's because there is physical pain I'm not paying attention to.  Once I took my lortab I was fine again, the pain subsided, the mental anguish subsided and I was back up and walking and doing what i need to do.   

Just something to think about for those of you who haven't gone through this yet. :)