May 13, 2011It has been awhile since I posted anything. I have to tell you, that since I lost being apart of my support group and with the loss of my parents last year, it has been so hard not to fall into old habits. I have found myself grazing at night mostly. I just want to eat anything I can. There is no reason. I guess stress, depression, who knows. It is hard though. This month will be 7 years since my surgery, I truly cannot believe that. I know in some ways since gaining some weight back that I feel like a failure simply because I allowed myself to get into a routine of such deep depression. I still have major issues with my previous jobs. The last two jobs I had just put too much on me. It wasn't worth all that I endured. So many hurtful people and for what, nothing. I was dealing with all that while attending to both my dying parents. I don't think anyone can even begin to imagine the pain and separation I have felt over these past few years. I still cannot seem to understand the harsh treatment or nastiness I have had to face. It only makes me go into a hiding mode. That is what has happened. I don't even want to see people anymore or do things. It is like my life is diverting back into something I hated. I need to stop it now before I cannot get out of this cycle again. I have found it so much easier to not have friends because I have major issues with trust even more now after being stabbed in the back over and over. Gosh, I have to figure out how to combat this. I know what I need to do, but it is easier to feel safe and not worry about being hurt.