A 20+ year old memory...

Aug 20, 2012

So, I was commenting on someone's forum post and I was telling the lady how impressed I was that she'd made it to a size 8.  My goal isn't size 8, my first size goal is a 12.  Why 12 you ask? Because I don't remember ever being a size 12.  The smallest size clothing I remember buying was a 13.  They don't make 13s for adults, only misses. 

And then I remembered when I bought the size 13 shorts.  I was with my grandmother at the Colony Shop (ironically enough, my current employer, an oral surgeon has purchased that building and is renovating it for a surgery center.) and I remember finding these shorts and asking her to buy them for me.  They were a light colored tie-dye pair of jean shorts. 

My grandmother passed away the month I turned 9. 

Part of me had been criticizing myself saying I should be able to do this on my own, i should have more self discipline, etc.  but here I am ... 22 years later, truly a LIFETIME, and I remember buying a size 13 pair of shorts.  and THAT is the smallest pair of shorts I ever remember purchasing.  I have no memory of single digit clothing, unless you count the 1-4 sizes at Lane Bryant. 

So...Suddenly I realize that I'm not failing, I'm making progress.  I'm making a decision that is going to buy me back my LIFE.  Or....revealing the life I never had, opportunties I never took, dreams I never allowed myself the chance to dream.

And as I sit here, I think maybe, just maybe, I still have those shorts.  I never wanted to get rid of them because they reminded me of my grandmother.  Next time i go visit my parents (all the way across town! haha) i'll see if I still have them. 

now, I do have a size 14 skirt that I remember wearing, but it was just a tad snug and that was at 200 lbs.  I have another one that I look forward to wearing that I bought two years ago that still have the tags on them. 

I don't wear skirts or dresses. A) I'm short so they always hit me poorly B) they make me look like a girl and when I look like a girl people pay attention to me and I want to hide in the shadows so people DON'T see me and C) I don't have the confidence to wear a dress....at least not often. 

I think I'll see if I have some other pictures to post of me over the years.  You'll see how crazy I am. :)  Hey...I like to have a good time, ok??  

Did i mention my pre-op is Thursday?  holy friggin cow.  Day after tomorrow.  WHOA.  I'm not sure if I'm excited, nervous, or both.

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