ObesityHelp

03/02/04 - I am still trying to figure this website out, so please bear with me as I learn. I made an appointment (03/11/04) with Dr. Terry Sanderfer, Inland Bariatric in Corona, CA a few weeks back and I already have most of the information packet completed. I am still struggling with the diet history. What does one write when they have tried every diet at least twice...some even three or four times? I resorted to going through my photo albums which show the ups and downs of my dieting.

I am still not 100% positive I am going to go through with this, but I figure by the time I get approved I will have made my decision. I even went to one of the Support Group Sessions...still undecided if that was a smart move...a story for another time.

I going through this process here in Southern California BC/BS and my sister is going through the process in Northern California Kaiser. We are going to be each others primary support. She has already been approved, but apparently has a lot of things still to do.

Well, I will write more after my appointment.

03/15/04 - I ended up canceling my appointment with Dr. Sanderfer mostly because I started to question my choice, but I actually had a family emergency and had to leave town. I've decided to go a different way...Liv-Lite. I have an appointment this Thursday and will have more to say afterwards.

I got a couple of emails asking about more personal information about myself...I thank you because I total spaced in that area.

I am in my mid-forties, no children, never been married. I have (like most) been overweight most of my life...at least since 6th grade. I have tried numerous diets and have been quite successful at losing weight just not keeping it off.

My overall desire for the surgery is actually very selfish. I come from a large family not only in size but also in numbers and most of them battle diabetes and the complications associated with it (Renal failure, lost limbs, blindness). I just don't want it to happen to me...one because I have a lot of plans in the future and...two because if these things happen to me I have no one to take care of me. Sounds selfish even as a read this back to myself; however, I just don't want to end up in a convalescent home with someone else dictating where and when I do things. I guess I have been independent too long.

03/22/04 – Well, I’ve finally returned not only from a family emergency, but also from my first appointment(s) with Liv-Lite and Dr. Nazarian. I really liked the way this worked.

To rundown the process first I received an email from Dana Estrada and after I checked out the Liv-Lite website and the Doctor (Nazarian) I responded to the email…I left out some specific information (e.g., social security number) because I don’t feel safe passing it in the clear over email. Just one of my quirks…I used to work computer security. Then I followed up with a telephone call just to make sure they received my information. The woman who answered the telephone was personable and friendly. They said they would review my responses and call me back in a couple of days.

At this time, I had to leave town on a family emergency. I returned home a week later and found a voice mail from Rick Mark. I called back on Monday, 15 March, he explained the process and stated that the hospital accepted my insurance…and went over most of the cost issues. During the conversation we made appointments for that Thursday and Friday for tests and meeting Dr. Nazarian. Finally he turned me over to an associate, Pam, who would ask me some health questions over the telephone.

When Pam got on the line we went down a pre-set of questions (medical condition and diet history). This wasn’t too bad since I had all the information already put together. She said since my first appointment was on Thursday she would email me two handbooks and a questionnaire that I needed to have complete when I arrived. Both she and Dana both had problems emailing me the documents, finally Dana just faxed me the questionnaire on Tuesday. Rick was finally able to email me the documents late Tuesday afternoon. Again the questions asked were not that tough since I had all my information already gathered up.

They also sent me a list of hotels I nearby I could stay in and also directions on how to get to the hospital and Dr. Nazarian’s office. They were clear and easy to follow. The only downside was the instructions stated to be prompt at 7:30 am in the parking lot and walk up a hill to the hospital. Hey, no big deal because I arrived early, parked and read a book while I waited for 7:30, but as I sat I watched the parking lot fill up by 6:30 am. Good thing I didn’t wait until 7:30.

So, my first day (Thursday, 18 March) was a full day of testing so no eating after midnight and arrive with a full bladder. I went straight to admitting and everything was already arranged. They checked me in and gave me a handful of documents, which listed where I was to go and when. My first stop was the lab, about six or seven tubes of blood later they handed me a cup and said I could fill it after my ultrasound. The ultrasound was the most uncomfortable… everyone was nice, but spending all that time on my back with a full bladder made my back ache when I finally was allowed to get up. During the ultrasound was the first time I met Rick Mark too.

So from ultrasound I went to Cardio-Pulmonary…EKG…and breath in…breath out. Not too bad at all. From there to Radiology…after some chest x-rays another hop on a table…ugh! First some x-rays while I laid down and then some powder that fizzed in my mouth…tasted like Sweetarts and Poprocks mixed…swallow quick with a shot of water. Then they gave me a container full of that white chalky stuff (barium). After a couple of drink…drink…drink…drink. Done…rather have more fizzy stuff it tasted better.

Normally, they would have had a resting room set-up, but unfortunately the hospital was full this day so Liv-Lite (Mark) bought me lunch in the coffee shop. So I quickly desiccated the chicken they served and Mark was back to whisk me to his office to meet another Doctor. I can’t remember his name right off, but he was checking my heart and asking questions…surprise he already had my blood test from that morning in his hand. We went over some of the results and when he was done he decided I needed a treadmill test…eep! Ok, not what I was planning on doing, but off I was to a room with more monitors and a treadmill. Starting with a slow walk the system started to quickly incline and every time it raised it speeded up…at least they only required me to do this test for 4 minutes. I peeped only once saying I wasn’t wearing the right shoes for doing a treadmill test, but at least I got through it.

Last two people on the list are Dietary Consult and Physical Therapy. Dietary covered what I should expect to eat, how long, and method after surgery. Both consults were very good and informative.

While I was running around from place to place Rick kept track of where I was and was picking up results from each of the places I went…faxing these results to Dr. Nazarian’s office. Now it was late in the afternoon sitting in the Rick’s Liv-Lite office. We sat and talked and scheduled my surgery…26 April…WOW! I expected a longer wait and I still may have to depending how long the insurance takes to approve. Rick said it could take up to 3 weeks.

Next Rick made a call to the Psychologist (Dr. Hulkhower) to see if he was going to come to the hospital now. However, as the conversation went I ended up with an 8:00 am appointment with him at Temple the next day. Rick then called Dr. Nazarian’s receptionist to make sure he was in the office and could see me. With everything set and off I went to Dr. Nazarian’s office.

Dr. Nazarian’s office was easy to find and parking was excellent. After all I read I expected a long wait and when I got there he already had a pretty full waiting room, but I spoke with the receptionist (Rosie) as I signed in and indicated I would take a seat when she said that he was waiting for me now. I was lead back to an exam room and was waiting for him when Rosie came back in and said Dr. Hulkhower (Psychologist) was on the telephone and asked to speak with me. He asked if I wouldn’t mind meeting him at his office after I spoke with Dr. Nazarian. I was a little apprehensive about finding my way, but he assured me it was only five minutes away so I agreed to meet him at his office.

After a short wait I finally got to see Dr. Nazarian face to face. A nice soft spoken Doctor with a faint accent; however, he was clear and precise in answering my questions…he even made a little drawing for me explaining the difference between distal and proximal RNY. The scariest part of this was the end when he explained he would like me to lose some weight…43 lbs to be exact. I don’t know if the surprise showed in my face, but whoa you could have knocked me over with a feather I wanted to shout if I could lose 43 lbs I wouldn’t be here…but calm I remained and tried to think of ways to take off that much weight in 5 weeks. Running through my head were a million questions such as: Would he cancel my surgery if I can’t make it? What diet could I use to lose weight fast? Yet safe enough for me to still be healthy enough to recover from surgery? I made an appointment with Rosie for 10 days later so Dr. Nazarian could check my weight loss progress. I left there still a little numb, but went off to see Dr. Ben Hulkhower.

Dr. Ben was right, his office was easy to find and parking was convenient. I only had to wait a little while before he arrived. I think meeting the Psychologist was my most dreaded appointment…what thing would he find that would make me not an acceptable candidate. Well, Dr. Ben was pretty cool. He put me at ease fairly quickly, asked me a few questions, and went over some of my answers on the questionnaire. I must have done alright since he said he thought this surgery was a good choice for me. Whew! After this I went to the hotel, took a hot shower, and fell into bed.

The next day, Friday 20 March, I was to meet Dr. Nazarian the second time. I have to have at least three visits with him before the surgery date. I was early and went straight up to see Rick in the Liv-Lite office. We talked a bit more and I brought up my concern about not meeting the weight loss Dr. Nazarian placed on me and when should I make the decision about delaying surgery if I don’t meet the requirement. Rick tried to assure me I could make the weight loss requirement and used the story about another patient that was given the same type of requirement. I was not assured 100%, but figure all I can do is try. Today, they actually had a resting room available because there were at least three other people going through the process today. Rick tried to get me a room alone while I waited for Dr. Nazarian, I suggested he put all of us in the same room so we could visit and talk. Well it was about 9:00 and Dr. Nazarian was not expected until 11:00, so I sat in a comfortable chair, put my feet up and pulled out a book. About 11:00 two of the other candidates showed up and we had a nice chat. Then Dr. Ben showed and took one of them away to talk. And…yippee some lunch…not bad except it came with clam chowder…I’m allergic to shellfish…so none for me.

Dr. Nazarian showed while I was eating and took me in first. He asked again if I had any more questions…did I forget to mention I had lost two pounds since I weighed in the day before…we talked again about my concerns about meeting the weight loss requirement so he suggested I set a date for a next appointment “When did I think I could accomplish the weight loss?” I told him I didn’t know, but instead of 10 days how about three weeks…about halfway. To assess how well I am doing. He agreed and I contacted Rosie and changed my appointment. Well, I was done, but I went back to the room to finish lunch before I left…I was famished.

So that brings me to today. The second day of my diet…wish me luck.

03/27/04 -- Here I am on a Saturday night scanning profiles and reading stuff on the Message Board. Actually, I am pretty upset and trying to resist ordering a Pizza. Yesterday, when I got home from work my neighbor met me at my driveway and told me the water running down the street is from my house. He shows me where water is squirting out from under concret next to the driveway. Great...just great...I just knew something was going to go wrong in my life. Well the water company tells me any leaks or broken pipes past the meter are the homeowners responsibility...me. My Homeshield (American Home Shield) tell me they only cover plumbing inside the foundation of the house...unless I have a pool or spa...not me. So I call a plumber...guess what after hours...an emergency. First plumber did not call back at all, so my boyfriend knows I am getting upset calls another plumber and gets him to agree to come over first thing in the morning. My boyfriend trying to be helpful comes over and turns off my water...by the way I live in the desert water cost a fortune out here. Plumber shows up the morning...first estimate 5 hours...two to eight hundred dollars...OMG! OK, I have to do this, less than an hour of jackhammering and digging the plumber knocks on the door and informs me there is a problem...apparently my neighbor's tree roots have invaded the entire pipe and the water meter. So the water company has to come out...the cost escalates to eighteen hundred dollars...and it will take at least three days. THREE DAYS! I am already upset about the cost...this is taking a huge chunk of the money I have set aside for my WLS...but now no water...what about a shower? the toilet? I can just scream...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I am just going to have to juggle my books...it took me a year and a half to decided to have WLS and I refuse to delay it now that I am so close. I just can't seem to get ahead. Thanks for listening...I promise to be more cheerful next time. By the by...I am down eight pounds on my pre-op diet.

04/02/04 – Sent an email to Rick over at Liv-Lite today trying to get a read on where I am at in the approval process…good…bad…indifferent. Sorta bummed I didn’t hear anything back from him.

04/05/04 – A little frustrated today. Got a call from Dana over at Liv-Lite this morning and she started telling me that she was going over my file today and would be sending the letter over to the insurance…huh?…she kept going about how organized it was and how did I type in my information. Ok, I answered, but in the back of my mind I am thinking…two weeks of waiting and they are just now sending it in? What the…?

Ok, I was more than a little upset, but probably more upset with myself for not saying anything. At this point what would yelling accomplish…zip…so I say nothing. I remember all the other profiles I read about BC/BS and that is only took a couple of days for approval and I still have 25 so no big deal.

P.S. Down 14lbs in my pre-op diet!

04/07/04 – Ok, I am upset again…and again what would yelling accomplish…zip. I heard from Rick (Liv-Lite) today saying that the insurance has requested results from a physical taken within the past three months. I tell Rick I had a physical in December. He says can you get your Doctor to fax it over in a few minutes it is the only thing preventing approval. (Sarcastically in my mind I am thinking, “Oh Yeah sure my doctor will drop everything he is doing to send a letter in which he has no idea what to say.” But my response is that the physical was more than three months ago. He says “Hey you can count?” Ok, I am sure it was meant as a funny, but all I was thinking was “No sh** Sherlock!” So he is mumbling in the background and mentions Dr. Ho (sp). He is the Dr. that saw me when I was at Temple Community for my initial workup. I ask can Dr. Ho do it? He knows what they (BC/BS) are looking for in a letter? Rick says yes, but it would mean you have to come to LA again. I told him I was going to LA on Monday anyway could he possibly see me the same day?

So now stressing over not losing enough weight to satisfy Dr. Nazarian, now I have to do another physical…ick. I hope they skip the ob-gyn exam…once a year is more than enough for me.

So basically I am upset over that if my letter had been sent over to BC/BS two weeks ago all this stuff would have been done...Fiñ…and I would have still been within the three weeks I expected approval to take. I know I am farther along than others, but that doesn’t prevent me from being upset.

P.S. Weight loss stalled still only down 14 of the 43 required…boohoo!

04/12/04 -- Well had my third appointment with Dr. Nazarian unfortunately our scales don't sync...so when he weighed me I was only down 11 pounds of the 43 he required. I was so scared he would cancel my surgery. He gave me a stern look and I spilled. I told him everything I have been doing, exercise, diet..I have been trying. So he wanted a committment that I would lose another 10 by surgery date. I said I would try...he said No, I want a promise. I told him I would lose the 10 pounds. So I guess I will have to up my exercise...start to phase out the caffine (my beloved Diet Cokes)...stick even harder to the diet. Today I celebrated my last meal...pizza with the works. I loaded up with tuna and chicken today.

I even had my appointment with Dr. Ho today. We basically went over everything in my file, medical history, tests, family history, and then a poke and prod session. He said I would make an excellent candidate for the surgery. I not only met the criteria, but I am healthy and in pretty good shape which are good for recovering from surgery.

So I guess the last piece will go to the insurance tomorrow or Wednesday and then it's wait...wait...wait.

04/21/04 – Good News! I finally got approval from my insurance…so everything is a go for Monday. I broke down and called the insurance myself, but I just got an answering machine so I called Rick at Liv-Lite. He said he would check on it and he did. Letter was mailed today. WOOHOO!

I really was beginning to get worried. I also talked to my sister who is going through Kaiser in Northern California for WLS and she had a weigh-in…drum roll please…-20.5lbs. That is so AWESOME. Especially since we started dieting at the same time and I am only down 17.5…so I have 3 more pounds to lose by Sunday. I hope to lose a little extra so I can show Dr. N that I could do it.

I still have a few things I need to get tomorrow. I told my boss I would be a little late so I could go by WalMart and pick-up a couple of items. I hate going into that store in the afternoon it is so crowded…ick. It’s not that I mind the people, but if you only have a couple of items it never fails you get behind the shopper from h**l with a full basket. Last time I just went to the self-scan isle and wouldn’t you know the person in front of me had something that wouldn’t scan.

My boyfriend is still against this surgery. Not in an ugly way, but he would not have been disappointed if I had been denied. He is just afraid something will happen to me. I keep repeating over and over to him “I will be fine. You will see I won’t have any problems.” Of course his other fear is that I will get thin and run off with the next stud muffin that comes along. He laughs every time he says it, but deep down I think it is a real fear for him.

Well, I have a lot more to say, but I’ll save it for another day. Night…Night

04/24/04-8:00pm Well, my Mom and Sister are on their way, but not without some bad news. My Uncle passed away, another Uncle has decided he wants to go home from the hospital (he hasn’t eaten in days…they expect him to pass soon), and my cousin had a heart attack and is having heart bypass surgery tomorrow. So how was your Saturday?

My sister and I talked and basically came to the same conclusion that I shouldn’t cancel my surgery. My Mom who is on Dialysis has already made arrangements to have treatment in LA while I am in the hospital. She couldn’t make it to the funeral if she wanted to. She is definitely upset she didn’t get to see her brother before he died. I am grieving for my Uncles and saying prayers for my Aunts and cousins, but I know right now this is the thing I need to do.

I have been a cleaning fiend all day…and if you knew me you would be rolling on the floor with laughter. I’ve cleaned bathrooms, kitchen, changed all the linens, washed almost all my laundry. Sorted all my stuff…things for the hospital…things for the Hotel…things to remain home. It has kept me very busy, but even in doing all that I had time to make some turkey broth. I made turkey meatballs and boiled up some seasoned water and dropped them in…added some veggies…WahLaa…Broth. My Sister is bringing some 2oz cups w/lids she found at Costco. I’ll strain the broth and pour it into the cups, putting them in the freezer so they are ready to go when I come back.

Oh yeah, I even went to WalMart very early this morning and bought some last minute essentials: a child’s sippy cup (I tend to be a gulper), some Biotene Mouthwash (for dry mouth), and body wipes.

So I guess I am ready. The only things I have left to do are fold the last load of laundry, probably make some Crystal Light and pour into the water bottles I’ve been saving…then finish packing. I’ll be out of communication until I return home on Saturday, 1 May. Say a prayer for me.

05/06/04 – Well, it’s been over a week since I had surgery and I feel great…so great I worry that I might tempt fate by talking about it. However, the surgery was as painful as my gallbladder removal (an open 20 years ago) and I was miserable for about three days. But the skies opened…the sun shined and lo an behold I started to feel better.

Well, like I said it has been a week and I feel great. I haven’t had any problems eating, protein 60+ per day, liquid 64+…it is pretty scary that I am doing so well. I expected much worse. I see Dr. N on Monday and hopefully he will put me on full liquids. I am working on the details to add to my profile, but I am not up to sitting at the computer for hours so I am typing it a paragraph or two at a time.

I even drove my car for the first time yesterday…freedom!!! Yes. I love to drive and just the little drive to Victorville and back was wonderful. My sister who was with me…my back up in case I tired…told me I need to take it easy. I have to force myself to remember I had major surgery a week ago. I am already looking forward to some heavier fare…the jello, broth, and popsicles can only take me so far. I haven’t had any problem with water or protein. After my little drive and shopping excursion I did get a little tired and took a nap, but other than that I feel good. My exercise isn’t where it should be, but still getting in a little walk every day. I am looking forward to returning to work and Curves.

I’ve promised to write about my journey so here it goes.

04/25/04 -- Day before surgery. My Mother and sister, Lucy, accompanied me to Los Angeles the day before my surgery. I set them both up in a nearby hotel so they wouldn’t have to spend four hours on the road every day.

My Mom is on dialysis, so after we set Mom up in the hotel Lucy and I went looking for the dialysis facility that would be taking care of my Mom while they were in LA. Then we spent a little more time doing some of those “prison” before shots with my digital camera. I “checked in” to the hospital that night. I slept quite peacefully until the nurse came in and said it was time for me to take some meds and prepare for a shower with that Phiso-soap stuff. Boy, did it make my skin dry. Since I was my doctor’s only surgery patient I was scheduled for when he completed rounds. Well, those of you who know my doctor know he is notoriously late and today wasn’t any exception. Unfortunately, it made my Mother more nervous than me. I spent my time repeating, “I’ll be just fine.”

I spent some time on a gurney, talking to my Mom and sister, waiting for the doctor to arrive. While out chatting with the other doctors and nurses they realized someone forgot to put on my hose(?) I don’t know what else to call them. They go all they way up to your thigh…fortunately for me they only put them on to my knee…and squeeze your leg. They are supposed to help circulation and prevent DVT. So we got those on pretty quickly. Finally, my doctor arrived and gave me my last opportunity to back out…I didn’t.

My anesthesiologist was the best, because I was no sooner slid on to the operating table than he pushed some drugs through the IV put the gas mask on my face and said “Say Goodnight” then I was out. Next thing I remember I was in ICU…apparently I spent the night and most of the next day in ICU…I don’t remember much. I remember someone saying “let’s remove the tube…exhale” and then the next thing is “we are going to give you a bath before you go to your room.” I slept through that too. I woke up for the ride to my room. I felt some pain, but pretty general and indeterminate.

That night the doctor came by and did a quick check, since my hospital is considered private, I had a lot of people come see me…respiratory therapist, cardiologist, pulmonary, physical therapy, assistant surgeon, anesthesiologist…usual questions: how are you doing, breathe, coughing, walked yet, etc. The next morning when my sister arrived she helped me out of the bed to a chair just in time for my first “cupping” session. The first time was a little rough, but after I sorta looked forward to it…had it twice a day. It is suppose to help break up the stuff in my lungs and help me cough…ick. Unfortunately for me it was while I was up I started feeling really queasy…fought it, but finally told my sister I needed the pan. Just spat up clear liquid…just ick, ick, ick. After about 30 minutes I was getting geared to do the walk when I had another visitor…the floor nurse (Mrs. Chang)…she asked the usual questions, but while she was talking to me I had another bout of nausea and started spitting up again. Mrs. Chang said no walking for me to get back in bed. I finally got a walk later that evening…not very far, but it made every one happy. I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame walking that hallway. I had a PCA, but I only used it maybe four times…it made me too sleepy.

I was in the hospital five days, every day filled with breathing treatments, cupping sessions, shots, walks, etc. I almost forgot I even got insulin shots for a whole day…something I’ve never had before, but the doctor said that sometimes trauma from the surgery causes some people’s sugar to go up and I happen to be one of those people. It only lasted one day and the next day my sugar was down and I didn’t need it anymore.

I finally got discharged from the hospital on Friday, but since my Mother had another dialysis session on Saturday we just stayed in the Hotel one more night. The nice thing about our room is it came with a recliner. I wasn’t able to push it back or even get myself out of it once I was in, but it was a great bed. After my Mom’s dialysis session we headed to my home. I was so happy to be in my own space…you never realize how much you are in a comfort zone until you’ve been away. Unfortunately, I own a waterbed and I couldn’t sleep in it and I don’t own a recliner, but what I do have is a very fancy futon…now don’t snicker…it is actually a custom one I had made a year ago to go fit a newly redecorated library/den. Well, in my numb state, it was just the ticket. The back could be left up, my knees were raised/bent, and I slept comfortably for three…maybe four days. After that my rear end was getting sore and I desperately wanted to lay down flat; I finally tried my waterbed again and was able to sleep on my side for a couple of hours at a time. There is nothing like sleeping in your own bed…zzzzzzzzzzzz.

My sister was there with me every step of the way. She is always with me when I go into the hospital, but I know she wanted this surgery so much and here I am having it first. However, she fluffed my pillow, helped me out of bed and to the restroom, went with me on my walks and gave me encouragement every step of the way. Once I was home she made sure I took my meds on time, prepared my meals, did my shopping, vacuumed and shampooed my carpets and even cleaned my house. I owe her a huge THANK YOU!

05/10/04 -- I had my first post-op visit with Dr. N. I was even able to drive myself. He checked my incision, pulse, breathing and then put me on the scale. I wanted to kick the thing…I was only down 7lbs. That seemed so unfair…look at my BMI 67…I feel I should have lost a lot more. I know…I know…swollen, fluid gain from IV’s, yaddah…yaddah…yaddah. I can only hope it will get better. He told me to stop wearing my binder, but no swimming or soaking in the tub yet. I still can’t go back to Curves either. Positive notes:

1. Don’t have to wear the binder anymore.
2. Lost 7lbs since admission into hospital.
3. Incision is healing up great.
4. I can drive with no problem.

06/21/04 -- Had my 7/8 week check-up today…drum roll please…-32 since surgery…-45 since the start of this journey. I am so happy. I got off to a really slow start and was really worried I would just creep down a pound here, a pound there. This is so much better. I know it is not significant for someone my size, but I’ll take what I can get. Now that I can exercise more I hope to see more of the weight roll off.

07/04/04 -- I got on the scale and I can hardly believe it...-50 that is so amazing. This is so important to me. I've made small goals along the way and I so want to be down another 15-20 before I go in for my next check-up. I have so far to go, but I figure if I keep my eyes on smaller goals it won't seem so far away.

08/04/04 -- I had my three month check-up with my surgeon and check it out -18lbs in eight weeks. That is so cool. I was worried I hadn't lost enough, but apparently I am doing fine. My surgeon is suggesting I start a zinc pill to help with the hair loss. I am real lucky I have a lot of hair, but I am losing a lot none the less. He suggested a complex of zinc - calcium and magnesium.

So far I feel fine. I haven't had any dumping episodes and food isn't a problem. I have been able to keep down everything I try. Yeah, I have fallen off the wagon once or twice, but I get right back on that horse and keep going and it looks like it is paying off.

So in short -18lbs for a total of -63 since I started this journal. My surgeon wants me to lose another 100lbs and then we will talk about a tummy tuck. He figures a lost of 120 or 130 more pounds and I'll be at a comfortable weight. I am thinking lower, but he said as time goes on I'll feel differently.

08/06/04 – I have had enough with my surgeon telling me one thing about my thyroid and my PCP telling me another. To give you a little background, I had a partial thyroidectomy done in 2002 for lumps found on the left lobe of my thyroid. It was a beautiful job…you can barely see the scar…I pretty much thought that was the end of it. However, since before I had the thyroidectomy my boyfriend had complained I was too emotional, I was losing hair, and had problems losing weight…since this was par for the course I never gave it too much thought. But when I had my pre-op labs done for gastric bypass it was mentioned that my TSH levels were elevated and that I should have that looked at by my PCP. I went to my PCP and he said everything was normal. Okay…I went back and forth since surgery about this and decided I have had enough and since I am fortunate enough to have a PPO, which allows me to go to any doctor without a referral, I made my own appointment with an Endocrinologist, Dr. Damiani.

Well, I had my first appointment with Dr. Damiani today and boy was he a fount of information. Come to find out that since I had two large growths on one lobe that I was supposed to go on suppressive therapy to ensure the other lobe didn’t develop growths…well that didn’t happen. I had brought copies of lab tests done both by my surgeon and PCP. He looked the over and said oh yeah something needed to be done. First I needed new blood tests, second I needed an ultrasound done on my remaining thyroid to ensure no new growths had developed. He was also familiar with Gastric Bypass surgery and told me he expected to see me fairly regularly as I lost weight because my medication would need adjusting. Good news is that he was able to piggyback off the blood test I needed to get done for my surgeon (three month check) so I didn’t need to get stuck twice.

08/09/04 – OMG! I had my first dumping episode. Wow, that was ugly and nothing I want to repeat. I had made a lovely roast over the weekend and had sliced it up so I could eat some whenever I felt the urge. Well, I came home today and was pulling out a few pieces to nuke, but popped a cold bite into my mouth and chewed on it while I nuked the rest. I don’t know if I didn’t chew it enough or if it was just too cold, but it felt like I had swallowed a rock…a huge fist settled in my chest. I tried to push it through with sips of water, but every time I swallowed I felt this “like something was stuck” pain. I hoped it would pass, but just sorta squirmed on the couch every time I swallowed…finally I just gave in and walked to the restroom and up it came. Throwing up is nothing like it used to be…I used to start to throw up and continue and continue…it was an Olympic event…not any more. I threw up the meat I had eaten and immediately felt better. There was no bile, sour taste, pretty much just chewed meat. Well, I opted for egg flower soup for dinner.

08/20/04 – Well today was my second appointment with Dr. Damiani for the ultrasound and blood test results.

Good News! My blood tests were excellent…in light of gastric bypass he said my blood test couldn’t have been better…B12 good…iron good. WOOHOO!

Bad News! The lab failed to do the one test he needed…TSH levels. So he arranged for me to have that test done today.

Other News! The ultrasound did show more nodules. He didn’t want to make a rush to judgment unless he could find out if they are new or if they have been there since I had the left lobe removed. I told him I did have an ultrasound and where he could get the results. So I have to go back in 10 more days so he can look at the old reports and new blood tests. However, he is pretty sure he is going to have to increase my medication. Which is good news to me since hopefully it will help with the hair loss I have been suffering with.

08/21/04 – Partying with the Northern California OHers such fun. They are such a great group of people and welcomed me into their group along with the other Southern California people who decided to make the run up to their party.

My sister (Lucy) and I both had a great time, but left before the sun went down and they got to the serious partying. However, during the clothing exchange I got some new pants and a bathing suit so we decided to break it in at the Motel pool. Mind you I have not been in a pool in 12 maybe 15 years so after people got their sight back from the whiteness of my legs it wasn’t bad. I’m just lucky no one had a harpoon handy…I must have looked like Shamu…black bathing suit and white legs.

09-03-04 – Well today I had another visit with my Endocrinologist, Dr. Damiani. After obtaining the results from my old ultrasounds of my remaining thyroid he found that “yes, the two nodules showing up in the ultrasound are probably new growths.” Okay, not good news. However, he has no idea if they are actually growing and what they may be. So here are my options: (1) Wait 3 months, have another ultrasound, measure the nodules and compare to the current measurements; (2) Insert a needle, biopsy, and wait for lab results (will have to go under general anesthesia); (3) Go in immediately and have remaining thyroid removed (major surgery). On one hand I would just like the sucker removed, go on hormone therapy, and be done with it; however, there is a downside to having it removed. Yes, I could probably be just fine, but the possibility of…hoarseness, nerve damage, damage to the parathyroid…just doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy. Plus, vanity rears its ugly head in that I would have to have my neck cut open…again…what are my chances that the two scars would not be noticeable.

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Parathyroid glands are small glands of the endocrine system, which are located behind the thyroid. There are four parathyroid glands, which are normally about the size of a pea. The sole purpose of the parathyroid glands are to regulate the calcium level in our bodies within a very narrow range so that the nervous and muscular systems can function properly.
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Okay, so the parathyroid is my major concern in all this…as you read in the little excerpt above it controls calcium levels in our bodies’…bad news, since I just had WLS and am trying to maintain a happy level with supplements. So after talking it over with the doctor I have opted to wait the three months. I will continue on my current medication…which is sufficiently suppressing my TSH levels, but only because I have lost 68lbs…he said if he had seen me a year ago he probably would have raised my medication.

09-30-04 – Ahhh, Support Group Meetings can sometimes be the most boring or frustrating things on the face of the earth. I know the organizers try, but some things are just out of their control. I went to a Support Group Meeting last night and I had high hopes, but I guess they were too high. They actually had an interesting speaker; however, people in the audience talking among themselves sapped the enjoyment and some of the details right out of it. This probably wouldn’t have been so bad, but I had sat in the back of the room…still picturing myself as big as a house and worried about people trying to get around me. The multiple conversations drowned out the speaker at points. There were people shushing people when it got too loud. I’ve been to other Support Group Meetings and most people are very respectful when someone has the floor, but it was total loss on this group. Next meeting I am going to sit up front.

There were some other parts of the meeting that were great. I met some wonderful people and touched bases with some others. I’ll give this group a little more time to see if this one meeting was a fluke or if it is like that all the time.

10-04-04 – Today was my 5 month check-up with my Surgeon it was not good. I only lost 8lbs since I saw him last. This is so disappointing. So we went over what I have been eating and my exercise schedule. He is happy with my exercise, but he wants me to drop all protein drinks and protein bars. He wants me to try to get all my protein from real food even if I drop below 60g per day for a while. I have to go back and see him in a month…normally I wouldn’t be going back until January 05.

So yesterday I had my last protein drink and started the day with real food. This is going to be so hard for me because I hate breakfast…I just never got the hang of eating early in the morning unless it was a piece of toast. Now I have to get in real food protein for breakfast and I despise eggs. I was thinking about yogurt…maybe some Carb Countdown Yogurt. First, I have about half a dozen eggs to get rid of and it was suggested that maybe I would like egg salad instead of a fried or scrambled egg for breakfast…and actually that sounds pretty good. Maybe I’ll even get some of that pre-cooked bacon that can be zapped in the microwave.

The good news is that I also got measured at Curves on Friday and I am down a total of –46 inches…OMG! I am only down three sizes, but I feel so much better. And clothes…ah the wonder of a full closet. I have tons of clothes ranging from size 26/28 to 14/16…it is so cool to bring all those clothes out of the farthest recesses of my closets. My sister has been buying clothes left and right…which is a plus for me because I get first shot at them before moving them on to a Clothing Exchange. However, I mentioned the other day I was in my back closet…full of my smaller clothes looking for fancy clothes in response to someone’s call for help on the Message Board and noticed…Hey! HEY! I have some 24 black jeans…for some reason I thought it only contained my *going to the Symphony Opening* dresses and smaller casual clothes. So I pulled out a pair of pants and I got them zipped…still had to suck it in a little, but I got myself into them. Well, back to my point…I mentioned this little foray to my sister and she just about reached through the phone. She said that since she is coming down for the Convention that she just might take a stroll through my closet for herself. My sisters have always loved my clothes…as I grew larger I always passed down my smaller clothes but kept some of them…our tastes are different…my sister is the “shorts in any weather” type and I go for the more classic styles. The good thing about sticking to the classics is that they rarely go out of style and they can be jazzed up to suit anyone’s style.

11-02-04 – What a great time I had at the OH Convention in Hollywood! Of course, there was some drama, but I am still in the dark about what happened…apparently I run with a much tamer crowd or at least we were on our semi-best behavior. The speakers were outstanding…there was one or two disappointments…but overall I learned something from every speaker. My favorite sessions were:

· Strength Training For Real People – Outstanding session, trainer was excellent so much so I bought the DVD’s, bands, and exercise ball for my sister and myself.

· Back on Track with Success Habits (Part I & II) – Another excellent session. Colleen Cook was inspiring…I also bought her book and companion workbook, which I will share with my sister.

· WLS - A Lighter Look – Interesting. Dr. Simpson was not only informative, but also very amusing. Should have gotten his book.

I made some new friends. Since I have moved to southern California I have felt lonely especially in Barstow, where if you are over 40 and don’t have kids you can kiss a social life good bye. Now I have met people my own age and with at least WLS in common hopefully time will tell if we have more.

11-08-04 – Another day…another check-up only this time Good News! I’ve lost another 8 lbs, which brings me to a total of –79…WOOHOO!!!! I still have hopes of achieving the Century Club by Christmas so I guess I really need to hit it hard for the next seven weeks. I have to kick up the walking and I’ve already started the Strength Training. Need to get a little more protein in and watch for those hidden carbs.

11/16/04 – Just wanted to write in my post today. I am actually doing very well. I read in some posts about the hard time they are having and am at a loss. My surgery went well, my recovery just as well, and so far the results have been amazing. Even with the plateau I had been on I am not having any problems…sorta scary huh?

I am just a couple of weeks past six months and I am not mourning food and not depressed. My life is pretty stable right now maybe that is why I am not having any significant problems. I am not stressing over my love life, my job is…well, my job…busy, but nothing to write home about. I’ve been exercising fairly regularly. I am not the Queen of Exercise…sometimes I wish I was…it is supposed to really help with weight loss. I do the requisite three, sometimes four or five, times a week. A combination of Curves, stationary bike, and exercise ball with some strength training for good measure. I am getting better, but am a long way from being an exercise Diva. I just know it is something I have to do if I want to continue on this downward spiral.

My eating choices and habits are getting a little better. Once I cut out protein drinks and bars I really thought I would have a tough time meeting my protein goals, but it seems I worried over nothing. I am actually doing better. I get my protein from real food and my body seems to like that and I’ve found a couple of things I really enjoy. Cottage Cheese and pepperoni chips are my favorite breakfast…I never did like eggs. And I always make it a plan to prepare something over the weekend that will last me a couple of days during the week. This past weekend I made Brunswick Stew…only my second time making it. Not bad, if I say so myself, but then I have never had the real stuff. However, it is loaded with chicken and pork, which is a big plus on my protein scale, and I modified the recipe to add more meat and cut down on the corn and potatoes. It worked out wonderfully.

I stuck to my guns and haven’t had any sugary foods or drinks. With the holidays fast approaching I am doing everything I can to give myself that “No Fail Environment.” Making sure I have plenty of Splenda® on hand for baking and Crystal Light to drink. I already started planning my Thanksgiving meal…and I am not going to deprive myself of anything. I am trying to make the standard size dish…I am so used to super sizing everything…and follow my same pattern I’ve set for my weekend cooking. After I have finished preparing everything and I have my meal then I start portioning everything up. Storing everything in single serving containers and putting it in the freezer right away. That way there are no big pots of food to tempt me to overeat.

Well, I better end this rambling.
Good Luck and Happy Losing!

12-15-04 – Another birthday…as far as where I want to be in my life…not quite there, but it is a good day. I think about pre-op days and appreciate:

§ my knee not bothering me anymore climbing stairs
§ to be able to walk in a store without breaking into a sweat within 10 minutes
§ to be able to wear clothes that have been in the back of my closet for 10 years
§ to be able to wear a necklace without it feeling like a choker
§ to fit behind the steering wheel of my car without flipping up my shirt so it doesn’t get that black mark on my belly
§ to be able to sit in the conference room chairs without the arms digging into my thighs

Actually today I had my first small WOW Moment. I had to attend a meeting representing my boss and our Division. I have worked in this Division for five years, attended a variety of office functions, including our directorate Christmas party last week.

Well, as the meeting proceeded unbeknownst to me a secretary called the office saying no one had showed up from our division…my co-worker told them that I had left for the meeting…maybe I got lost. (Now this is no surprise to anyone…regardless of how long I have worked here I still can’t get from one end of the post to the other without getting lost.)

Finally, they got to the slide where I would have to answer some questions and the Deputy said “I don’t see Dr. S” and I raise my hand and say “I’m here to represent our Division.” Then a clerk over in the corner says “There is no representative from that Division here.” Again, I wave my arm and say “I’m here.” I answer the questions and the meeting moves on.

Meanwhile, my co-worker calls back to the secretary wondering if I ever showed up and the secretary relates back “Oh yes, she is here…we just didn’t recognize her…she has lost so much weight.”

I maybe a little sad over not making it into the Century Club yet, but how can I not be dancing when people who have worked with me for years don’t recognize me.

12-17-04 – It’s a Friday and I don’t want to be at work. I get to leave soon, but the day is just dragging by. I’ve been jumping through hoops for months and now that the holiday is coming up people are just disappearing, the phones stopped ringing, and the whining has stopped. Scary sort of. I’ve been going through my closet for the last couple of days…since my Birthday…and trying on clothes that I haven’t put on in 10 years. It is amazing how good it feels to put on these tops and pants. I think I am going to slip on some stockings this weekend and try out my dresses and skirts to see how they fit. One of the things I have noticed is that since my tummy hangs a bit lower some of the clothes don’t fit/hang right which makes me uncomfortable to wear them, but the ones that pass WooHoo! Just got the word I can bail for the day…I have three gifts to purchase and then I am done…maybe I can knock them out this afternoon.

Happy Holidays!

12-28-04 – Whew! I survived the holidays without dumping, barfing, or over indulging. I didn’t eat the best things for me…sausage balls, con queso dip on tortilla chips, a warm buttery roll…but I didn’t eat too much. At times it felt like it, but I knew as I entered the information into Fitday I wasn’t as bad as I thought I was. Sure I could have done without the slice of banana nut bread, but what are the holidays without a bit of those special treats. At least this year…all the treats were made with Splenda® and the chocolate…sugar free.

I didn’t make the Century Club by Christmas as was my hope…I was just 7lbs shy. So I am concentrating on the New Year. I am going to try…TRY being the keyword here…to stay off the scale until Saturday. Keep your fingers crossed that I make it. I am so sad that my sister has made it to the Century Club a month ago and I still haven’t gotten there. I have so far to go that I get down that I may never make it to goal. {Do you notice I avoid using the word depressed?} I realized I’m not depressed…I’ve been in a depression…that is what got me to my highest weight…been there done that and am not going back…I’ve decided depression has never been my thing…my world will not end if I do not reach the Century Club by a set date…or even if I never make goal. I’ve gotten so much out of this surgery and I know deep in my heart I will continue to lose…just not on the schedule everyone else does. That makes me sad…in this I want to be the same as everyone else…to be average.

Plus it is time to get myself back to Curves. I’ve been slacking off shamefully and it shows. My size isn’t going down as fast as I would like. I read about everyone getting into 18/16, 14/12…I so want that to be me. I don’t think I was ever a 12…if I was it was for a very…very short time.

I am going for a check-up on Monday, 3 Jan. My first of the New Year and I so want to be down –100lbs…it would put me down –20lbs since November. This would put me on track on trying to keep to a schedule of –10lbs per month. Sure I hope for more, but if I can keep it going steady it would put me so much closer to my personal goal. I know it is achievable I am just going to have to work at it.

Happy Losing!

01-03-05 – Well, today was check-up day and I still didn’t make the century club…weigh in was 251…for a total of –92…still eight pounds to go. Oh well, I just have to keep pushing.

I also tried Menudo on New Years Day…and nope I didn’t :barf: WooHoo! But I did take all the leftovers to my sisters the next day…I didn’t need that stuff around to tempt me to eat more…eventhough it was deelish. And for those that want to know…that included pigs feet…yum. I did cut the tripe into very very small pieces and chewed everything very well…all that chewing paid off since I didn’t get sick.

Funny thing is that the next day I was at my Aunt & Uncles 50TH Wedding Anniversary and something they served didn’t agree with me…I didn’t :barf:, but I did have to go to the Ladies Room in a hurry. At least I didn’t get the shakes or anything.

I also got another bag of clothes from my sister…hmmm…I still have three bags of clothes to give away…if we don’t have a get together with a clothing exchange soon I guess I’ll just find the closest women’s shelter.

Happy New Year!

01/15/05 – Today my friend, Barbara Myers (pre-op), and I spent the day with OH friends at the Red Lobster then mall walking. Our tablemates, Susan Littlepage, Terri, and Becky were an absolute riot. The stories that were told around that table were priceless.

Barbara and I were supposed to meet up with a group at the mall, but some how me missed them so we started to walk just the two of us. We had a good time just talking, walking, and doing some dreaming over clothes we hope to not only fit in, but to be able to wear someday. We finally caught up with the group…apparently we went the wrong way…after we had gone around three-quarters of the mall. So we turned around and started to walk with them.

Some of the ladies had a serious jones for shoes…LOL! Not my weakness yet, but I was looking for a new purse…not like I need one *giggle* I did drag poor Barbara with me to Rocky Mountain Chocolate where I got a supply of sugar free pecan bears, peppermint patties, and a peanut butter cup…we probably stood in line for 20 minutes…so worth it.

Mikey kept us all laughing with his running commentary and observations of life…he is such a doll…if you ever get the opportunity to spend some time with him, do it…you will not regret a moment. Mikey if you are reading *muuha* for being my personal cheerleader and fan. Well, Barbara and I finally left the group around 5pm…I was worried about the traffic and besides…my tootsies were beginning to grumble.

Fortunately, we had an uneventful ride home; however, for the first time in a long time I got cramps in my legs and ankles. Not pretty…popped a couple of Tylenol®, but had to do some serious rubbing to calm some of it down…oooow! *sniff sniff*

01/17/05 – Yesterday I drove up to see my uncle, in Modesto, we received some bad news…he has a heart valve that is leaking and the prognosis is not good. I don’t know the exact details, but he was given medication for a week (I am thinking this is his choice) and then nature will take its course. I was told he could last a week, a month, six months…unknown. So me as well as many of my other relatives took this time to go see him.

This was extremely hard…my uncle is now swollen and puffy, on oxygen; however, he was up in a chair…taking some part in the conversations around him…mostly listening. My heart is breaking…I love my uncle…I love all my uncles and this is so difficult. I spoke with one of my friends and said this is going to be some of the worse times in my life.

You have to understand I come from a large…oh that is not right…huge family. My mom is one of fourteen…yes, fourteen. So I have nine Uncles and four Aunts…so marry them off and add at least three kids per…some with five and nine…now most of the first cousins are also married…and with children…we could fill a small stadium. You would think in a family so large it would be difficult to be close…my grandparents were amazing people. I remember spending weeks and weeks with my cousins…we played, we sang, we danced, and as we grew older…partied and cruised summers. I love each and everyone in spite of any faults or failures…maybe because of all of those little flaws we remain close.

When I told my friend of what was going on…to give her some perspective…I told her to think back to when we first met and it seemed like I was spending every other month attending one of my cousins weddings…now it seems like I’ll be spending time attending funerals…last year I lost two uncles and one aunt.

Now I tell you all this because it is making staying away from food difficult. I knew I was an emotional eater, but last night as I drove home in the dark I realized I was feeding my pain. For example, as I did the five hour drive up I had my protein bar for breakfast, but when I stopped for gas and a bottle water…I also picked up a bag of Munchies® (Doritos, Sun Chips, Cheetos, Pretzels…all mixed). Even I realize I should have picked up some beef jerky instead. I nibbled on most of those until I got to Modesto…now at my Uncles…there is more food brought by neighbors and friends…chicken, beans, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, chili Colorado, posole, tamales…you name it we probably had some. And I proceeded to graze while I visited…I didn’t even realize it. As I drove home I finished the bag of Munchies® and when I stopped for gas again I picked up a bag of Cheetos® Puffs and another bottle of water.

Today hasn’t been any better as I sit home…after my crying jag I have had some of my Rock Mountain Chocolates, Chinese food, cheese, and more Chinese food. I knew I was an emotional eater, but whoa! We all know I can’t eat near as much as I used to, but it is still a bit of a wake up call when you see yourself doing these things. I’ve finally stopped eating and am trying to drink my Crystal Light and get a grip. So now I know I have a trigger, but now I need a plan to control it.

03/15/05 -- I just realized how long it has been since I have written in my journal. I guess I just kept putting it off hoping I would make it to the Century Club…I haven’t…*sniff sniff.* I am okay with it…not great, but okay…since I am still losing inches.

A lot of other things have been happening in my life. I still have some medical problems that could be contributing to my stall in my weight, but I think the stall has more to do with me than with my physical problems. I’ve just been spending more time living life than concentrating on losing weight…I really need to shift my focus because I still want to lose more weight.

So first the physical stuff…I apparently have secondary amenorrhea -- abnormal discontinuation of menstruation. This is something that occurred before I had surgery, but ignored because it was assumed it was due to my weight and that I had lost an ovary a few years prior. Well, now it has been about a year and it still hasn’t started. Hey, what girl wouldn’t mind not messing with it every month; however, since about three months post-op I started having hot flashes…then they stopped and now they have returned with a vengeance. Okay, it is possible I have gone into early menopause, but it would not be normal given my family history…etc. So what is causing it…*shrug*…I don’t know and my doctor’s don’t know so I am being sent to Loma Linda. I have a ton of tests to get done…a lot of poking and prodding and everything will be sent to them before my appointment. One of the things they discovered is that my labs are not jiving…if I was in menopause certain levels will crash while others would skyrocket…my estradiol levels are only 16.9 pg/ml…normal is between 30-400 pg/ml…so my pituitary gland should go off like a rocket…that isn’t happening. So that is issue one. Issue two is my thyroid is still giving me grief…the nodules are growing…I still have decided to just watch for a couple of more months and have them re-measured. Depending on the size change we will make the decision…*sigh* so much fun.

My family has been in an upheaval with their own physical problems. While my sister and I were on the OH Cruise to Ensenada my Mom went into the hospital with a clogged shunt. After we got home…I caught viral conjunctivitis in both freakin eyes. I was not happy…locked up in my house for seven long days. Of course they swelled up so much I couldn’t read, couldn’t watch TV and working on the computer was out of the question…talking about really resting. While that little thing was going on my Dad went into the hospital and had to have a pacemaker installed. Okay, everyone is better and things are beginning to calm down.

Oh I forgot to mention I am still waiting on my car…yup, had a little accident. A semi-truck blew a tire and the whole rubber cap flew off…unfortunately I was to his left and a pick-up was on my left and I had nowhere to go, but to take the brunt of the impact. Took out my front spoiler, all the under covers on the engine and wheel wells, knocked the alignment out, and damaged one of the wheel covers. I am still waiting for them to finish the repairs.

Had my most recent check-up yesterday and my surgeon has started to talk to me about plastic surgery. He is thinking my arms, thighs, and stomach…we haven’t even begun to talk about my breasts yet. He wants to get started documenting my body and submit to the insurance company. Okay, he made a lot of sense; however, I’m not quite ready…I haven’t made it to the Century Club and I really…really…really want to lose another 43lbs…plus all the other problems I’ve got going. So we talked and I told him that I’m not ready…first I would like to get my other physical problems taken care of and while I work those out try to lose some more weight. So we are putting it off a couple of more months. So keep those fingers crossed for me that I get some more weight off before I go see him again.

03-25-05 - Happy Good Friday! I have had a revelation…of sorts…I hope I finally figured out why I have stalled for so long…besides just being slow because of my medical problems. Last night after I got home from work I was preparing my dinner…I was having leftover Spaghetti Salad…served up the bowl and sat down to eat. As I was eating…about halfway through the bowl…I felt full, but didn’t stop eating until I finished the bowl. Then I went to exercise…had a really good work out…drank 32oz of water. Came home and ate again…the same amount as before…can we say huh?

I didn’t start thinking about what I did until this morning. Can I kick my own butt? What was I thinking? I have started to out-eat my pouchie…and grazing. Come on we all know this was stupid…I have been given this great tool and I am screwing it up. So what am I going to do about it? I’ve been thinking all this morning and know I have to make some changes.

I first tried to figure out what was working and know I do great while I’m at work. So what makes work so different from being at home? I measure and prepare my meals in advance so I don’t have to think, but to grab a container and go. I am also on a set schedule and if I do get the munchies, I have good snacks (protein bars, protein chips, jerky, SF Jelly Beans) in my desk drawer, lots of bottle water, and finally work to keep my mind and hands busy.

So now how do I take those good habits work for me at home? Okay, this is what I am going to try to do:

· Go back and start measuring my food again. No more blindly filling a bowl without knowing how much I am eating.
· Set a schedule for eating…tape it to my refrigerator…including weekends
· Already keep a refrigerator full of Crystal Light and water, but maybe pour some into empty water bottles to help me stay on track
· Get a freakin’ hobby or something to keep me busy…no more sitting on my tushie so much in front of the TV
· Also tape to the front of the refrigerator…options…if I find myself going to the kitchen/refrigerator off schedule have a list of things to do other than eat…such as the weather is getting better…go for a walk, pull out an exercise tape, read email, clean closets, organize Christmas decorations, clean the light fixtures, jigsaw puzzles, etc.

I also figure I am going to give myself one month to straighten myself up…if I can’t do it on my own, then I am going back to Jenny Craig. Okay, before you object to heavily about this I have thought this through…I need structure and Jenny Craig offers that in a menu…with planned meals and snacks…plus it is premeasured. Hey, plus when I was on it before I happened to like the food…sure we will have to make some adjustments which is fine, but I need to get that structure back and I’m going to do whatever is necessary. Fortunately for me I have a lifetime membership so no fees for me…plus it is my hope for it to help me get back on track and in control…once I reach goal help me with maintenance. Apparently, if I’ve resorted to Jenny Craig in the first place control and maintenance it is not something I can do by myself.

04/11/05 - Happy Birthday, Mommy!

On another note, it has been a hard day. First, I admit I haven’t been able to take enough control back of my eating habits so I made the call and went to Jenny Craig today. It is what I have to do…I desperately need structure and I cannot do it on my own. Plus I have been on this plateau wayyyyy toooo long. I just want to break it and have the scale start moving downward again. So done…picked up my food and menu…start tomorrow…I’ll keep you posted on how I’m doing. Especially since I already know there will be some deviations on Saturday, 16 April, since I am going to Visalia to Mizz Marta’s and Anici’s party.

The really bad news was something I was going to just ignore, but I know I can’t. I received a letter a couple of days ago from my Endocrinologist that stated a “nodule was noted involving the left thyroid bed after lobectomy.” Okay, simple terms my left lobe of my thyroid was removed several years ago so basically there is this void and now they have found a lump growing in that area. Talked to my endocrinologist about this today, basically what happened is during my routine ultrasound of my remaining right thyroid they take a picture of the left side just to show there isn’t thyroid there. Well, this single shot showed the nodule…well, now I need more tests and another ultrasound of the area to get a better look at it and to rule out any error. Of course, lots of bad things go running through my head, but after taking a deep breath I just have to roll with the punches here and wait for the results of the next ultrasound. Okay, I really, really, really, want an Oreo Cookie Shake, about six egg rolls, and a gallon of Diet Coke®…*sigh*…I know I can’t have any of that…well, I did have two egg rolls…but I know it is just my coping mechanism kicking in…good thing I have my Jenny Craig food so I can start tomorrow. I’ll keep you all posted on what happens.

04/18/05 – Woohoo! It was a good weekend spent with my OH Cali Board friends in Visalia. I met some new people, caught up with some others that I met last year at the Oakdale gathering. It took my mind off things that have been weighing me down the past couple of weeks and gave me a “second wind.” I loved having my sisters with me to share this great group of people and support. All the similar battle cries…elephant skin thighs…batwings…tummy flaps…deflated balloons…a language all our own. Shared with laughter and acceptance…it makes me feel good to know I am not alone in my worries.

I am still having some personal image problems…my sister took several photos of me with my camera and when I downloaded them I just wanted to cry. I thought I had looked so good…then I saw those images…from that angle…I can’t bear to look at them. I know I have lost almost 100lbs, but when I look at those images I see a whale in a blue shirt. *sigh* I know gotta learn to deal just going to take me a while. In the meantime I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my OH Friends at Tom’s Farms.

By the way, I started Jenny Craig on Tuesday, 12 April, so far no change in the scale and now “my friend” has come for a visit so I’m going to try to avoid the scale for the rest of the week…it’s either that or throw it in front of a paver.

05/03/05 -- WOOHOO! Century Club I made it… it is such a load off my mind. Sure I still have a 100 more to go, but I was beginning to think I would never make it. I’ve been hanging onto Pookie for dear life knowing he’ll stand by me even if I failed…but I didn’t.

So to celebrate I had two charms added to my bracelet…another silver one (for a total of 4…one for every 25lbs lost) and one gold butterfly to mark my re-birthday. This is what my bracelet looks like for those who wanted to know.

05/19/05 – So I’m still doing the Jenny Craig thing, but last weekend we had to reassess what I was doing because I just hadn’t lost weight for two weeks. So we sat down and added up all the calories I had been eating… mainly I can only eat the basic meal…no salad…no veggies…no fruit and only a little more than 3/4 of that meal. I just can’t eat it all. So even with the snacks of cheese and yogurt I am only getting in 650…maybe 700 calories a day. Duh! I was in starvation mode again. So we’ve made a simple addition to my daily meals…added three protein shakes at 110 calories each and 25g of protein we’re hoping it will kick my system back into gear. Well, it has only been four days since I started this and the scale is starting to move again…woohoo! Keep your fingers crossed for me…I need all the mojo I can get.

The trip to Tom’s Farms was wonderful. I had a great time and did a lot of walking. Note to self…must do more things like that…need to search the Internet for places to go.

Life in general is okay, not great, but okay. I try to keep myself busy, but there are still a lot of days that I sit around like a bump on a log. Working on it. I’ve taken more walks…still can’t bring myself to clean house…that is like a dirty word to me…well it is dirty…LOL. I hate house cleaning with a passion. Nurse Kuba (from the Singles Board) put it best “If cleanliness is next to Godliness…then I’m a Satanist.” It is so true in my case.

This coming weekend is the big picnic. I’m a volunteer for the clothing exchange. Hopefully I can get me some new clothes…I really only need another pair of black jeans and lots of tops. I am woefully light on tops. Black jeans go with everything, but my shirts are getting really big and it is so hard to get just the right thing with my arms being as floppy as they are. I think I’m really going to have to start saving in earnest for the arm surgery…they just aren’t snapping back or even shrinking up.

06/06/05 -- I have been having a monster couple of weeks. I’ve been working on this big project which has kept me busy, but also without my daily dose of the OH Boards I have begun to feel lonely. I realize I’ve bonded with a few from the boards and they mean just as much to me as people I see everyday…even though I have never met them face to face in my entire life and may never will.

I think about that every couple of weeks, about the bond that develops between people on these boards, on how we have this instant connection because we have or hope to have a similar surgery. But it is also not just about the surgery it’s about that we are all FAT! We have a similar life history and struggle with being obese in a thin world. We know what it is like to stand at a party because you are afraid the plastic legs of those chairs might fold up because of your weight. Then if by chance you were brave enough to sit in that chair and the legs did fold up what would those people…people that you called friends…think of you when they actually have to help you off the ground. Some of us even know what it is like to get on that roller coaster just to be asked to get off because the safety bar won’t lock down.

Even though I am 107lbs lighter…my head still doesn’t register the loss. I can’t look at pictures of myself without critiquing my hair, my make up, my clothes, and yes, my size. Men and women tell me I’m beautiful and part of me accepts that I have a physical beauty that is immediately seen…ha, I’ve had it all my life…pretty tough to ignore sometimes. However, there is the other part of me…the part that I keep buried inside…the insecure me that whispers in my ear every day. Sheesh! No, I’m not hearing voices…it’s an expression. Work with me here…I’m trying to make a point and I keep losing it in the thoughts and moments running through my head. What I was trying to say is that bonding with people from the boards is easier because of these similar challenges and fears. Sort of funny when I think about it…I’ve been IM’ing the last few weeks and I would quickly agree to meet anyone I met through the OH Boards without a second thought. Yet, others who’ve IM’d me for weeks…can’t get my phone number or full name. I truly am a Jekyll & Hyde when it comes to those kind of people. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way and I wish I could fully understand it; however, I think it will remain a mystery.

Oh yeah…Maria this is for you…you were brave and I’m going to be brave too so here are my before and after pics. Yes, I still have a looooong way to go, but I don’t think I look half bad.

1994.................................04/26/2004.................................-107 lbs.

07/04/05 -- I know as time goes on I’m getting less and less prolific with my profile, but I’m going to try to catch up.

My project was a huge success. I received a “Best Practices” award which in their lingo means that my program was so good that they would like to implement it across the department. Woohoo! Of course, this means I am going to have to get back on the travel train, but I think I’m ready.

I’ve added this photo…it was taken at work…you know Fourth of July…patriotism and all that. I like the way I look…now if we can only turn back the clock and get rid of some of the wrinkles.

07/05/05 -- My thoughts today of my friend, Maria L, from the OH Singles Board. She is having surgery today. Even though I have never met her I hope to count her among my friends. You know we are similar enough to be on the same wavelength, but hopefully different enough to not hate each other on sight.

Well, Maria came through the surgery fine…from all her obsessing she did great…a few concerns, but most were quickly alleviated. I spoke with her on the phone (which she now claims not to remember), but she played the “woe is me” card with skill and I agreed to fly out to Maryland to meet her and others. I’m actually looking forward to it.

This weekend I’m off to Las Vegas with my OH California Board cohorts, my sisters (Leonor and Lucy), and my Mom. It looks like it will be a good time.

This is going to be a busy month…I have the Las Vegas trip, then a Luau in San Clemente, and then the Dancing the Night Away party in Rancho Cucamonga. Such a different life than from the one I lead a year ago. I still wouldn’t mind having a partner to share these good times with, but it beats sitting home alone on a Saturday Night.

08/01/05 -- Wow! The month has flown by and I had a wonderful time. I made new friends and reconnected with old acquaintances.

The Las Vegas trip was a blast…having my sisters and Mom to share it was great. Of course, I didn’t win any money gambling, but I never do so it was par for the course. It seemed as each time the group got together the table got longer and longer so I never got to spend near as much time with some.

The humidity on the main strip was outrageous…I’m so used to the dryness of the high desert, that a little humidity makes me wilt.

The Luau! What can I say, but what a great time I had. I made a new friend from St. Louis…Mary Pat. So sweet and nice…I look forward to getting to know her better. Suzanne has a beautiful home and so close to the beach…Wow!

My sister, Lucy, and I even spent time the next day at the Ocean Festival. Lots of walking on the beach, which I definitely needed after all the grazing I did at the party. What is it about all these parties and food? Regardless we only have a pouch that is just a few ounces these parties still surround food. Hey, I’m knocking it, but isn’t it amazing. Just to reiterate…we had surgery on our stomachs…not our heads.

Ooooh! I do want to mention that on 07/25 was Steve G’s re-birthday. Woohoo! He has done such an amazing job. If you ever get the chance to talk to him, he is the sweetest and nicest guy you will ever meet. Too bad he’s so young. LOL!

Another good time with great people and lots of food. Thanks to Monica L for opening her beautiful home to us. My sister, Lucy, wasn’t able to come down for this one…she would have loved it…she’s such a dancer. I tried my hand at dancing…as much as I love it…I was still born with two left feet and no sense of rhythm. And dang Monica W…for such a recent post-op girl can move. There were plenty of new faces and I look forward to seeing them again.

I did get a little useful information…something I plan on looking more into. I’m 15 months out and still a little over 100lbs overweight. Which of course still places me in the Morbidly Obese category. I was having a chat with Jenn L who had just had Lap Band surgery on Wednesday…three days before…wow.

Now a little background, my surgeon has asked me if I have thought about a revision to help me lose more. For me, no…changing my surgery from a proximal to a distal is not an option. Sure I would like to lose more weight, but the side effects to me far outweigh the benefits. However, what I learned is that Jenn L’s surgeon is doing a lap band as a revision on RNY patients. How cool is that? Okay, I find this very interesting. The opportunity to start to lose weight again yet no where near as invasive as the RNY is. Sure I have a lot of research to still do, but I like this idea. To be able to get a fill or have it drained if I develop any problems. Oh yeah, this is very interesting. Now I’m no where near able to have a revision…I have to wait at least two years, but that is only contingent that I don’t kick into weight loss again…I haven’t given up. I can still do it with the tool I have…I just got to quit the grazing and go back to the basics…protein, water, measure.

08/08/05 -- OMG! I was selected this weeks Person of the Week (POTW) for the California Board. Such an honor…I will wear my tiara proudly. Thanks to Celest W for picking me…you had me completely fooled.

I really need this boost this week. Last week was such a hard week…I have a little personal drama going on, but I was dealing. Okay a few more Doritos were passing my lips, but I was coping then we on the OH Singles Board lost one of our own, Cesar L. I’m completely at a loss…I can’t even grasp that he has shed his mortal coil. I’m heartbroken.

08/25/05 -- Back from Maryland. Woohoo! I had a great time…a little drama, but it was fun and I met some of the peeps I’ve been talking to for months. It’s always great to make new friends and bond over some issue or another. LOL!

I had a couple of Wow Moments…first getting on the plane…I didn’t have to turn sideways to get down the aisle. I wanted to do a little dance right there in the isle, but I restrained myself. Then I sat down…normally I would have stopped just as I got on the plane and spoke to a stewardess about needing a seat belt extender, but this time I didn’t and well…I sat down and at first it seemed like I was a inch or two shy…tears were already welling up in my eyes to have come so far and yet still have to ask for a seat belt extender *sniff sniff* However, as I tugged a little harder I realized I was sitting on part of the belt. I think I laughed out loud as I heard the distinctive “click” and cinched the excess because some of the other passengers looked at me as they walked by. I had a smile ear to ear. Last test…the restroom doesn’t count because I don’t like airplane restrooms and won’t use one…but the tray is a different story. Will the tray come down and not settle on my boobs or tummy? It laid flat…I couldn’t believe it…no, I couldn’t pull it out yet, but it laid flat and I could put a drink on it without worrying it would go sliding to the floor. Weeeeeeeeee!

We did some fun stuff as a group in Annapolis…lunch at Buddy’s and dinner at The Melting Pot. Ooooh, that is my new favorite restaurant…I’m going to go to the one in Vegas. Okay, so everything surrounded food, but we had surgery on our tummys not our heads. LOL! We also did some shopping

09/27/05 -- So I spent the weekend in Modesto and took the opportunity to visit my Angelette. I am so jealous of those who get laps they appear to move around so easily. Even though he did complain of some discomfort and not being able to sleep...that's a new one...usually new post-ops are complaining of sleeping too much...he was bouncing around like a ping pong ball. Not settling in one place for more than a moment or two. At first I though it was just nerves, but the more we talked it sounded like this is what he does all day. I was leaning on stuff just to get out of a chair...he just slowed down a little bit. lol Well, I hope to see him again in a couple of weeks. I haven't told him yet, but since there is stuff brewing on the family front I need to go by and see if there is anything I can do for damage control. So I figure I might as well check on him while I'm in the area.

10/31/05 -- The days go by faster and faster and it’s a little tough to keep up with the journal. I’m still sorta stalled weight wise…at least I think. I went to the doctor and his scale read 10lbs less than mine…hmmm…maybe a bad scale. I actually did go down a couple of pounds, but not 10.

I went to the California Board Halloween Party in Rancho Cucamonga and had a pretty nice time…well, as good as time I can have without a guy to flirt with. LOL! That was a joke, but so true about 15 women to every one guy at the party and to be honest I don’t think a single one was there as a lonely only. I didn’t get a full body shot of me taken…duh…I forgot my camera, but here’s a head shot…and my picture from last years Halloween Party. I can’t really tell if my face has thinned because last year my hair was all pulled back and very long…now short and curly.

12/01/05 -- My sister and I went to the Regional OH Convention…we had a blast. I bought us compression suits…at little pricey, but so worth it. They are supposed to “diminish tissue flaccidity and back ache, tightens abdomen, improves muscle tone, and promotes better posture.” All I know is that I feel fantastic when I wear it. When I stop the rest of my body stops. LOL!

We got tons of free samples and won several drawings. My sister was thrilled with not only winning a case of Achieve One drinks during a random drawing, but also winning a case from the sponsor booth.

We were also in the Fashion Show something we both wanted to do since the first convention we went to…here’s the little write up I did for myself and a picture of us in our outfits.

I still get nervous getting up in front of a crowd; however, being more comfortable and confident in myself is what this surgery is all about. Last year at the convention I watched the fashion show as was in awe at the changes and so wanted it to be me. I am still nowhere near goal and may never be; however, I say keep your eyes on the prize a healthy and happy life, don't get caught up in the scale. My "Dream It" outfit was not chosen for what you can see, black velvet pant suit with a swing jacket and fuchsia top, but because of what you can't see. It is on the label, a teen size 18 to be exact. I haven't been able to wear a teen size in over 25 years, since High School. Go Me!!!

I wanted to add this little section of my Angelettes…they are doing so well, I am proud of each of you.

Happy Surgiversary to ME!

Happy Surgiversary to ME!

04/26/2006 Two years…can you believe it? Two years and -115 (give or take 10lbs depending on scale and my mood LOL!). I’m still not at goal and maybe I may never get to goal; however, I would not trade what I have gotten so far…my life has changed so much.

I have so much to be thankful for…first to my sister, Lucy, if it wasn’t for her being so persistent about wanting to have the surgery I would not have done all that research and soul searching. Thanks to her I have a new lease on life too! *Love ya Lucy!*

Second…thank you to my Angelettes (Barbara M, Cheryl B, Dale W)…even though I am not a perfect Angel, you have let me into your lives and let me help and support you through this amazing journey. Each time I helped one of you it helped me stay my course too!

Thanks to all of you on OH…not only have you supported me and my sister, but you have become my second family. Some of you I am closer to than others…just like in my blood family, but I still love ya all.

Thanks to you all I have a full life again. Even with all the squabbles, it brings me joy, because prior to this even though my life was squabble-free it was a solitary existence. I wouldn’t trade that or you for the quiet life I lead before.

I would love to say something profound, but nothing I can say/type can express my feelings. I’m so amazed at how good I feel…now if only I can become an exercise Diva like Lynette P…then I’ll feel simply MAH-VOL-EOUS!