ARE YOU A BARIATRIC PROFESSIONAL? LEARN MORE ABOUT OH
November 12 Happy Birthday TO ME!! THREE YEARS already....wow OK, so I spent my birthday with a horrible stomach ache from too much dairy, or too much sugar alcohols (malitol is a killer) or just a sensitive pouch I'm not sure what it was, so be it...I'd rather have the runs and be thin rather than fat. So much has changed in the three years. I'm married, I'm in a house, I'm happy and healthy I've stayed in a size 10/12 and the occasional 8 for over a year, so I think this is where my body has decided to be. I'd rather be in an 8, but at what cost??? I don't want to diet every day, I don't want to be so nervous about every little thing I eat and I don't want to freak out if I decide to have a brownie sundae with my husband. That's right, brownie sundae (ice cream, brownie, chocolate sauce!!! That's how I celebrated my birthday....and I ate only a small sundae, I didn't dump and I made sure that I enjoyed (savored) every bite!!! So, to the new post-ops, or someone researching surgery, please remember there is a life after surgery!!!! I also want to wish a happy third birthday to my friend Ray, who I love so much and am glad that we're in this together! I love you, hon!
June 13 Got back from the honeymoon on Friday. I'm a married lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I did it in my size 10 wedding dress!!!! Gotta love this. Surgery rocks, it's well worth the pain in the beginning. I only got a sick once on the honeymoon (had pasta and desert in the same meal and miscalculated sugar carbs......)Had a little racing of the heart, but never got ill. Only once did something get stuck,but not bad. But other than that, it was awesome.
May 29 I'm getting married in a week!!! Whoo hoo. I cannot beleive it. I am so ready.
May 23 I just got back from my bachelorette party! Whooo hooooo. I had a little too much to drink, three martinis over five hours, but I also ate food! All-in-all, I had a blast, a night to remember. Oh, and I met OJ Simpson. that's right, the Juice was at my bachelorette party. NO FLAMES PLEASE, keep your opinions to yourself because the American system of justice found him NOT GUILTY of murder but LIABLE for their deaths. OK? So deal. Regardless, he was at the Blue Martini bar in Orlando where my bridesmaids and I were and so I of course got my picture taken with him. I'll post it as soon as I upload it. Right now, it's late, I need my vitamins and a snack before i go to bed. Nighty night! :)
May 15 I had my labs done, and I'm AOK, everything is perfect!!! I've gotten everything back on track and I'm doing great. No B-12 issues, no protein issues, nothing. Whoo hoo, me. I've stayed the same weight, I've stayed the same size and I haven't had to really do anything drastic to do it, so I love this surgery. Proof positive that it works if you work it! Just be willing to eat right, take your vitamins and follow the program......or else pay the price.
May 7 Less than a month until the wedding and boy am I a busy girl. I'll tell ya, after surgery, your body handles stress in a different way, that's for sure. If you don't treat yourself well, eat right and take your vitamins, you will get sick quickly! The life of a post-op isn't easy, but it is very worth it!!! I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. More than three years out and I had a oh-wow moment the other day that I want to remember for a while--- I played in the student vs. faculty volleyball game! I stood in front of the whole student body and really played the game (OK, not for long as I was not that great, but all three of my volleys went over the net!) I still cannot believe it!
March 23 No preaching, just honesty...I've 'fallen off the wagon' so to speak-- let carbs back into my life, enjoyed sugar, forgotten my vitamins (B12).... But, recently gone back to basics -- and let me just say, it really works!!! I've not only lost 5 pounds, but I feel so much healthier. It was actually so easy, thanks to pouchie! I've been walking, eating protein first, drinking a shake and taking my vitamins religiously. I hope I can keep this up, but it's nice knowing that if I don't, it's not so hard to get back on track. Wedding plans are going well. I've gotten a little stressed out a few times, but Mike is helping and we are working as a team. I am so in love with him and I cannot believe how inter-dependent I am on him. It's really a nice feeling, when I stop to think about it.
March 2 Boy, what a difference a year makes. Today, I'm one year post-TT and medial thigh lift. I've been in a size 10/m for a year. Some sizes run small and so I have to go up to a 12; some sizes run very small and I have to go up to a 14, but generally I can pick up almost any 10 and fit in my body into it! What a nice feeling!!!! I have beautiful scars which I am proud of, although I am happy they are hidden under my bikini bottoms. The work that my plastic surgeon, Dr. Eric Weiss of Jacksonville, FL did is awesome, even my gynecologist remarked how beautiful the work was!!! I am so happy with my results and I am so happy I did WLS! Don't get me wrong, this hasn't been a cakewalk! My abomen still has no feeling in a tiny two inch circle immediately below the bellybutton and after a year out, I doubt I will ever regain feeling there. I also can strain my tummy muscles easily and because of weakened abdominal muscles, it's easier to throw my back out. But, I'm seeing a physical massage therapist and so, all is well. As far as eating goes, it's harder to stay true to the post-WLS diet and I find myself willingly slipping back into old habits. I think the difference is at two years out, is that it's so much easier to get back on track. It's also a lot easier to give in to temptation (such as the Chocolate Decadance I shared Saturday night with my mom! But, when I say shared, I ate three or four bites, she ate the rest) and then move on. Before, food haunted me. Before WLS, I was constantly thinking, what will I eat now, what will I eat next. Ironically enough, right after WLS, that was my same modus operandi...only this time it was because I needed to learn good nutritional habits to keep myself healthy. Today, yeah, I look forward to lunch and dinner, but now it doesn't consume my every waking moment.
February 14 OK, sorry about that last post, but I'm OK now. I am still getting married, I have a site for my reception and I have begun breathing again. I'm still stressed out and anxious, but now it's a little better. Again, sorry about that whiny post, but while I'm on my own page and can rant, I'm a little offended by one woman who emailed me and said that I should be happy because I've lost weight.....hello, reality check, your problems don't magically poof away when you get thin. You're in for a rude awakeinging if you think that...........the reality is, suddenly your coping mechinism is gone and you have to DEAL with your problems rather than stuff them and that's a scary proposition. OK, enough bitching, I'm done! :)
February 1 Yesterday I posted that I had just bought my wedding dress and was getting married in a size 10 (down from a 28 pre-RNY two years ago) well, about an hour later, as fate would have it, the site where I was to have my reception burned down. It's a total loss. I bragged, now I'm eating crow. My wedding is supposed to be in 124 days. Because of this tragedy, I'm considering delaying the wedding. It's not meant to happen in June, at least that's the sick message going through my head right now. After a lousy night's sleep in which I cried myself to sleep, I feel defeated and almost wonder if I'm meant to marry at all. I remember being fat and wondering if I would ever experience true happiness...then I met Mike and I thought I was in for the whole fairy tale wedding, living a thin life, starting and then raising a family. But today, I feel like fate is kicking me in the ass and it was all a pipe dream. Lets see, what's gone wrong so far? We cannot find a timeshare for our honeymoon in the location we want (Hawaii) and the time we need because of my school/teaching schedule. My brother Ryan can't come, my other brother Chris could be in prison at the time, my bridesmaid dresses got screwed up, I'm broke and now my reception site burned down. Are the gods trying to tell Jen something? At this point, I have NO idea what is going to occur. I don't have the time (energy or emotional stability) to plan this all over again, nor do I have the money. All I have is no answers and a guilty conscious. Boy, it's going to be a hell of a day. Believe it or not, a large part of me wants to climb into bed with a half-gallon of mint chocolate chip and the television remote. Instead, I have to get dressed and go teach.
Jan. 31 Well so much for Curves, I hurt my back so bad that my doctor said no more until it heals. Instead, I can walk or swim, but that's it. It was nice while it lasted. I'd toned up a lot, but not so much any more. Only 124 days until the wedding and my dress is a perfect fit...but, I'd like to lose a few pounds before the big day. Not too much, mind you, but I guess I'd rather tone up than lose weight per say. Problem is, how can I tone up with a bad back???? I'm seeing a massage therapist and possibly an osteopath to get my body back in shape. It's amazing how whacked out it got because of my MO. I'm a real mess!!!!
Jan. 1 MIKE PROPOSED!!!!!!!!! We're getting married. I cannot believe it. http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?coupleid=3240306163464329 We were on a week-long cruise to the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic and Bahamas. He got down on one knee at the stroke of midnight, how romatic is that?!!!! An hour later we went to the midnight buffet (all chocolate) and I ate a little, but I never got sick on our cruise. I did so well,
November 21 I'm going back to Curves. I've got to get toned up and I believe the only way I will get back into shape is if I go back and work out again. Let me preface this by saying I am not that out of shape, but I sure am not the picture of health that I'd like to be. This may sound funny, but I always wanted to lose all this weight and then not ever have to worry about what I eat again. Well, I am almost there...I can make good, healthy choices and not suffer a massive weight gain. BUT, since PS, I have not worked out at the gym and that's just not right. When I first joined Curves I lost so much weight and inches while I developed muscle. Time go go back and do it again. Will it be tough, yeah, at first it will. But I remember how much I loved my arms and legs and the beautiful muscles I had.
November 18 I've been under a lot of pressure and stress lately and my eating habits have started to slip into comfort foods. BUT, next week, I'm off all week for the holiday, so I can get back on track just in time for Thanksgiving. Speaking of stress, did I mention that my boyfriend and I are hosting our first Thanksgiving at our house... STRESSS :) Seriously, though, it's not so bad. I'm getting a new stove delivered on Tuesday and we finally got a contractor to come look at a portion of the damage to our house from Hurricanes Jeanne and Francis. Thanksgiving is giving Mike and I motivation to get the house fixed up again. Because hurricane season is almost over, we finally put stuff back up on the walls and on the bookshelves. The house looks lived in again! Besides focusing on work and personal life, I'm also in the process of deciding whether to get my boobs done now that my tummy is all nice and pretty I look out of portion, the gals are saggy, baggy and tiny. New ones may be on the horizion, I think. More surgery sucks, but hey, it's been eight months since the TT/thigh lift, so what the heck.
Nov. 12 Yep, today's my second 'birthday!' I cannot believe how much my life has changed in two years. I've lost 140 pounds, gone from a size 28/30 to a solid 10 with a few 8s thrown, found the love of my life, traded a bad job in for a good one -- one that I never would have applied for at 298 pounds -- and moved into a house! I cannot believe what a difference two years makes! I cannot say this journey has been easy, nor can I say that today, at two years out, I have conqured all my food deamons...nope, those will take a lifetime to work out. But today, my relationship with food is healthy and I try to make good choices when possible. I have served as an unofficial mentor to many people, both posties and normals. I taught nutrition at Curves and now have become a life coach for a few people at my new job. I'm healthy, happy and so grateful that two years ago, I accepted my fears and climbed onto that operating table. I'll tell ya what, though. This has been one rough journey and I still wake up confused about my relationship with food, I still have trouble accepting my new body and I still find it funny that I am who I am today. That probably makes no sense.... I think it was said best last night on Joey (Believe it or not) when he said there are four types of hot girls. One of those he mentioned were girls that used to be fat. I sort of laughed but then thought for a moment, because I sometimes see myself as pretty, sometimes as cute and sometimes as a big fat pig. I have no idea how to get past this, if I will ever get past it. Anyway, here I am at two years out trying my best to make it day to day. Most days I do very well and I'm proud of the choices I make. The other days, the days I goof up, I let go of and move on from. Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!
Nov. 10 I'm giving up on the whole idea of dieting and instead concentrating on making proper healthy choices and getting back to the idea of protein first, then veggies and then, if there's room, carbs. I think with all the stress in my life right now, that's the best choice for me. In the meantime, it's two days until my second 'birthday!' Where did the time go? I remember where I was two years ago, although it seems like only last week. I was 290 and MISERABLE. My knees hurt, my back hurt and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Today, two years later, only my head hurts, but that's cause I still have the reminants of a sinus infection. I'm happy, healthy and love my body....most days. Yeah, I still have issues from time to time. Like two days ago. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror in my bra and panties and looked at my body- scars and all. Then, for some stupid reason, I looked at Mike (who was brushing his teeth) and said the question I thought I'd never ask myself when I was at goal....AM I GETTING FAT? Hello, what, who said that? I can honestly remember looking at my friends who complained they wanted/needed to lose 10 pounds because they were 'fat' and thinking they were nuts. Now, here I am. Nuts, right!!! Tee heee heee, life sure is strange. OK, I'm eating a protein bar right now and it is so grosssssss. But, I'm sitting in my classroom, so I really cannot get a fresh source of protein such as cheese, an egg or even a Nectar shake right now. So, this nasty bar is my only choice. But, I know it is good for my body and I'll be happy I ate it later. But blech...I'm never buying this one again. OK, bell's about to ring, gotta finish my yummy protein. More later, if I have another surge of inspiration!
November 5 Guys and Gals, I'm driving myself nuts. When I had plastics in March, I got down to a low of 145 and stayed their for a brief second. My body has now hovered between 155-160 for six months with or without me "dieting" SO, my question to the group: Is it normal to have regained a few pounds from your original low and then maintain it? Or, am I on a bad track and should I get back to basics and get back down to that 145. Physically speaking at 145 I was a 8/10 whereas at 155 I am a solid 10. When I diet, I get horrible head hunger and sweet cravings. When I eat like a normal person, I do fine. But I'm terrified of regaining and ending up fat again. I even look in the mirror now and say how fat I am.... I hate the head games. Helpppppppp OK, perhaps it's because I have a sinus infection and I'm feeling vulnerable. Or, maybe it's because I'm almost "two" and feeling vulernable. Or, maybe it's because I should be more neurotic about my behavior and I'm angry that I let myself regain even a few pounds.....WHO KNOWS.
November 3 Argh, after being so good on Monday, on Tuesday I was bad, but only in the afternoon and believe it or not, it was a conscious decision. I knew I was going to eat unhealty and I allowed myself to do it...why? I don't know. But today I'm back on track and I plan to stick it out all day today! Here's my accountablity: Breakfast: Protein shake, vitamins/calcium Snack: Protein bar and three oz. of provelone Lunch: I had a small salad, two slices of ham, three slices of cheese and diet Coke. Snack: Bean burrito from Taco Bell Dinner: Two slices of pizza Snack: Vitamins/calcium Dove ice-cream bar (yes, an ice cream bar with all it's choclaty goodness and no, I didn't dump, darn it.) BAD BAD BAD right? Argh, I blame George W., John Kerry and the State of Florida and their election problems. Nah, lets be real here: I blame it on my food addiction! But, I'm back on track this AM...headache and all. What can I say, I'm a food addict and I always will be. It's going to be a constant battle for the rest of my life. The odd thing is, when I don't stress over food, I tend to stay at the same weight...but when I obsess over losing 10 pounds, I suddenly get massive cravings. Wierd.
Nov. 2 Well, I did great on my protein plan yesterday, well, until I had some cereal because I had a major carb craving... Breakfast: Fuzzy Navel Nectar protein shake 32g protein! 0 carbs Coffee with Splenda and Coffeemate (8oz) 0 g protein, 8 carbs? Snack: 3 oz Havarti cheese 12g protein 0 carbs Lunch: 1/2 c salad with Italian dressing (salad: 1.3 g fiber carbs so Net-Zero! dressing: 3 carbs but heart-healthy olive oil) 1/2 c cottage cheese 13.5 g protein, 2.8 g carbs 2 slices American cheese 9 g protein 1 carb 2 slices ham 27 g protein; 3 g carbs Snack: Think Thin protein bar, 20 g protein, 2 carbs Dinner: 1 c Ceasar salad 1.3 g fiber carbs (.9 g protein) with five croutons (I'm guessing about 2 g carbs?) 5 oz top loin steak: 50 g protein 0 carbs Snack: Carb smart yogurt 16 g protein 5 g carbs 1/2 c Raisin Bran Crunch cereal 1 g protein 18.5 g carbs Total: 180 g protein 38.4 carbs. Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself! I lost two pounds...probably water weight, but hey, I'll take it. Today, I got up early to go vote so I missed my AM Nectar. But, I did have so far: Breakfast: Instant protein shake: 15 g protein, 6 carbs Think Thin protein bar: 20 g protein 0 carbs SF Red Bull (0 protein, 3 carbs) Snack: 3 oz Provelone cheese 21 g protein, 0 carbs) Like I said, I'm not really dieting, more like I'm trying to get back to making protein-rich choices and less carbs. Would I liked to have had that baked sweet potato with my steak last night, yeah, was the meal ruined because I didn't? Nah, although I think if I'd had that sweet potato, I probably wouldn't have eaten the cereal which would have equaled out in the number of carbs...besides, both cereal and the potato are slow-burning carbs! So, I feel good! GET OUT AND VOTE TODAY!!! As one who lives in Florida, believe me, I know every vote counts. Gotta go, students coming in to my classroom and I have one slice of cheese left!
Nov. 1 I want to lose a few pounds before Thanksgiving. I'm not unhappy with the way I look, but I am a little heavier than I'd like to be before going into a season filled with yummy sweets, treats and lots of alcohol. This year I plan to eat sweets and anything I want, since I'm two years out and not 'dieting' anymore. And, yes, I have been known to drink from time to time. I'm very good about not getting drunk though. I learned my lesson early on. I got drunk too fast and woah, was it a wakeup call! Still, a drink from time to time is OK, I prefer something like Bacardi and diet coke. Bacardi has no carbs, nor does the diet Coke. Still, alcohol is empty calories(60 in an ounce of Rum) and I'd like to limit myself as much as possible. I'm hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner at my house!!! I'm very excited and plan on mixing low-carb stuff with regular stuff. I've already ordered a sugar free pumpkin pie! I cannot do much turkey, I find that pouchie doesn't like the stringyness of the meat. We are also having the faked potato caserole, which my family absolutely loves. Of course, my boyfriend won't touch the veggies, so I'll bake him a potato. We're also having matzo ball soup, green bean caserole, SF sweet potato caserole and probably a lemon-cheesecake pie for my boyfriend. For munchies, we'll do chips and salsa as well as a crudite plate. All-in-all, it shouldn't be a big ol calorie fest! My goal this year is to maintain my weight, not gain, not lose...which is why I'm trying to drop 10-15 pounds now!!! So far, so good. Protein shake for breakfast, then coffee, now cheese and a diet Coke (I teach, so I need the caffene at school...I do no caffene at home and I make up ounce for ounce later in the day!) We survived Halloween and today my boyfriend was to take ALL CANDY to work today so I didn't see it anymore. I went a little nuts on the mini Twix. I think I ate a total of five this week. Granted, it's that time of the month so chocolate was a welcome treat, but it's post-Halloween and I do not need the goodies in plain view. They are way too tempting to a food-addict like me!
Oct. 25 Hi all. Sorry it's been a while, but life goes on. I'm still maintaining a size 10, but for the first time in a long time, I'm not dieting. I wish I could say I was perfect, but I'm not. I sometimes eat to much, sometimes dump and sometimes I forget my vitamins. I try not to beat myself up when that happens, though! Instead, I just get right back on the bandwagon. If I gain a few pounds, I try to scale back my eating until it comes right off. If I forget my vitamins, then as soon as I remember, I start back up. I still see my doc regularly and I still watch the sugars. If I dump, it's because I was stupid or I eat a hidden sugar and then, when it happens, I make sure my boyfriend doesn't feel sympathy for me because it was my own damned fault!!!! I try to eat my protein first, my veggies second and if I have room, I eat a few carbs. I'd prefer pasta over bread (unless it's a grilled cheese!) and I prefer low-carb or sugar-free stuff rather than the sugary stuff! I've also "mastered" portion control for the most part! Yeah, I still screw up and take too much, but I know when to stop eating!!!! I rarely get sick anymore, unless it's from the overcooked food at school (I'm a teacher!) Speaking of food, I'm hosting my first family thanksgiving and I'm making faked-potatoes instead of mashed. I'm still not big on turkey though, too stringy. It makes me ill in large doses (I can do about an ounce or two, tops.) I'll have SF pie and green bean caserole, but I am also making matzo ball soup for my carbs! My boyfriend is so supportive and knows what I can and cannot eat. We grill steak quite often and sometimes he'll come in and say 'here, eat this part, cause this part will be too dry for you and will get stuck!' Can you believe it? He's definately Mr. Right! I'm maintaining a size 10 and just bought a great pair of low-rider jeans from the Gap. I wish I were about 10 pounds (20 perhaps?) lighter, but it won't be the death of me if I stay at this size forever. I still strut around in my bikini and I'm looking forward to a romantic cruise for New Years. Bottom line, at almost two years out, I couldn't be happier!!!!!!!!! I'm a teacher and the other day, one of my students was picking on a fat kid. I actually pulled out my old photo and asked him would he have picked on this girl? He, of course said no, once I told him it was me. He then said the most wonderfully odd thing I think I've heard in my life. He told me that I should get rid of my old pictures since they don't look like me. Funny huh? But it got me thinking. How often does our brain still forget that we're not the skinny creatures we've worked so hard to attain.
August 16 I know it's been a LONG LONG TIME since I updated this page and in all fairness, I did keep up with my TT page (http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=E1076418345&NoStatic=1) for a while...but here's a quick update for those of you still wondering what the heck is going on in my life. 1) I'm at a steady weight/size. I've stayed a size 10 for five months and hover between 145 and 155. I'd like to lose 10 more pounds, but if it doesn't happen, then who cares. 2) I've quit journalism and am now teaching full time. I teach 7th and 8th grade writing at a private boys military academy and I teach a college reading class one night a week. 3) I've moved in with my boyfriend. He's been so supportive over the past year and has helped me through plastics and pain and agony that caused. He's so interested in my 'diet' and makes sure I take my vitamins/calcium every morning and night. He's even eating a little better because of me. He's Mr. Carb and hates veggies and I'm Ms. Carb addict and try to eat only limited quantities. Needless to say, dinner at our house is very balanced but only because of me!!! ANYAWY-- this guy, well gals and guys, he's seen the good and the bad of the Gastric By-pass. When a friend of mine was rushed in for emergency gallbladder surgery, my fella went onto obesityhelp.com and got the answers I needed so I wouldn't panic! He's gone to a support meeting or two with me and he understands when something gets stuck and knows instinctually whether he should rub my back or leave me alone. He's survived dumping, gas, bad bowel movements and of course the foamies. He's even helped me figure out a pattern I was having when I ate mass-produced food such as at a buffet or a wedding and I wasn't able to keep anything down. He's been a godsend and we didn't even meet until I was 11 months out!!! 4) I WON my appeal after my insurance company claimed that my TT was COSMETIC even though they'd already preapproved me. Boy, am I glad that's over. I was really getting scared that I'd have to appeal until I was an old lady but darn it, I was NOT going to pay that bill. We all know that a TT is not cosmetic for us RnYers! OK, so that's me and my life. Happy, healthy and loving every minute of it. I wear bikinis to the beach and let my TT and butt lift scars hang out. I celebrate my weight loss every day, but I also eat the occasional ice cream cone and I have NO diet restrictions, just moderation and lots of exercise althought not at the gym cause I've been lazy lately (gotta break that habit!) I am even thinking of taking up running with my guy -- WHAT?? me run? Why? is the Ice Cream truck moving? March 28 Had a minor breakdown this afternoon after taking a shower and realizing how scarred and gross my body looks right now. I cried for about 20 minutes to my mom via cell phone and then calmed down. After a while, my boyfriend came over and we went to an arena football game...I was wearing my size 10 jeans and a tiny T that could really have been a belly shirt but because of the girdle/garment, I tucket it in. It was nice being around people who didn't know me as the fat Jen, or the Jen before plastic surgery. Anyway, on the way home Mike and I had a long talk about the cheerleader calenders they were selling at the game. I told him how I felt like why would he want to come home to me at the end of the night as scarred and Frankenstein looking as I am? I look great with my clothes on, and in fact I'm much prettier than many of those cheerleaders are. I don't mean to be vein, but I am, OK. Well, I won't go into the whole conversation, but Mike said all the right things and understands that I'm going through a strange portion of my life right now that no one or nothing could prepare me for. But he's in it with me, that's the bottom line. God, I love this man. March 27 I'd asked Dr. Weiss's office for a refill on my pain meds. I'd even told them they can start stepping me down to something weaker...did they call in anything? NO. Ugh...Advil won't cut the burning in my abdomen, neither will ice...I need drugs. I don't mean that like an addict or something, but I can't go cold-turkey...no way, no how... UGH On the plus side, my friend Judy (who passed her GRE and is now an official grad student at the age of 60) is going with me Tuesday to my Dr. appointment and then we're hitting the outlet mall at St. Augustine. I can't wait. I love shopping with Judy! She tells the truth and won't let me buy too much boring stuff even though it looks good on TV, which is how I judge my purchases nowadays--except for my casual clothes, which I buy based on how they will make my tummy and ass look. Is that wrong??? March 26 Remember how happy I was that I was 'preapproved' by BCBS? Remember how it took me four months, many phone calls and letters? And remember how I got great prices from the doc in Jacksonville, FLA for my surgery. He quoted me $3500 for the TT. He also quoted, $3250 for the thighs...which I paid out of pocket... plus $600 for anasthesia (out of pocket)( and $561 for the hospital (yep, also out of pocket. ) No problem, I love what the thighs look like. Well, yesterday, BCBS sent me a letter for the hospital charges which they claim weren't covered: the charge for my 11 hour hospital stay and surgery $54,110 I almost had a heart attack until I remembered the letter I had and how that was GOLDEN. So, I called them first thing this morning and yelled and screamed and complained and read them their pre-approval letter back to them. I then called my doctor;s office, said you handle this and then asked for a prescription refill for pain meds! I go see him Tuesday, so I'll bring the letter, the bill and see what Dr. cutie has to say! I'll tell ya this, they aren't getting $54 dollars, let alone $54,1100 out of me. No Sir. Ugh, insurance companies SUCK. On the plus side....LOVE MY BODY!!! I'm the million dollar woman! March 22 I feel bloated and yucky cause I got my period. Why is it after RNY that periods/cramps are SO MUCH WORSE? can someone clue me in? On a positive note, my new stuff from Victoria's Secret arrived today. I got a red bikini, a red dress, a black and white fancy tanktop with the bra built in and a cute Tie Die T shirt. They are so cute! I love shopping. Sadly, my Newport News bikini I ordered is on backorder and won't be here in time to go visit my Dad April 8-11. That's OK, guess I'll make a run to Ron Jon one night. There's an advantage to living in central Florida! March 21 Doing OK, I guess. I had to up my pain meds cause I am still hurting. I thought I'd be over it by now. I've spent most of today in bed or on the couch..it's been nice. But i'm getting bored quick I got a couple of T shirts that I'd ordered online and both fit and look so cute. Can't wait until I can wear them out...not that Jammies are not great, but I'm getting tired of them. My stuff from Victoria's Secret came today. I ordered a red dress, a red crochet bikini, a tie die T-shirt and a sexy black and white top with the bra built in. I cannot wait to wear them all out in public. I cannot buy pants yet cause I'm still swolen, plus I want to wait until I do the protein feast during Passover! March 21 My dad's sick. I'm scared. We haven't had the best or worst relationship.. but it's definately gotten better since surgery. He's proud of me. He cried when he saw me after a year. I am going to see him in a few weeks so he can see the results of my TT/Med. Thigh Lift. What if he's really sick? He's going to the doctor tomorrow (Tuesday) and I'm sure it's nothing but I'm still scared. March 20 Yet another MINOR complication: swelling between crotch and three inches below both knees. The Dr.s office staff (nurse Peggy) say its the surgical fluid headed south and nothing to worry about if I take the garment off from time to time and keep my legs elevated (insert sex joke here) So, after following Dr. Cuties orders yesterday, the swelling did go down and I look semi-normal again. I did, however, find a lump in my groin which I am now convinced is fat necrosis and will need to be lopped off. But, they give you good drugs for that, so I shall be OK. i'm treating it with neosporin and keeping it clean. The incision hole is now white, which I think is a bad thing. I will call on Monday. March 17 Happy St. Patrick's day...this should be national holiday in my opinion. I went to see Dr. Weiss yesterday and all seems to be OK, not great, after all there is a giant opening where there should be a nice closed incision. But, as long as I take it easy and keep using the anti-bacterial soap and Neosporin, he thinks I should be OK. If it opens any further, leaks any worse or the bleeding doesn't stop on it's own, then I'm in for another 'mini-surgery.' Mike was great durng the whole ordeal and held my hand and didn't lecture me about doing too much and causing this in the first place. What a sweetie. Pain is under control thanks to Lortab...muscle spasms are under control thanks to Valium. If i get behind on the Lortab, I'm dying...but only briefly. Because I had a lap RNY, this surgery was much, much worse than the first one. I didn't have the muscle aches and pains before. Plus, I'm not allowed to get out and walk much, just enough to make sure I don't get a DVT. As long as I'm open and draining, he wants me vegging out as much as possible, which is driving me insane. Worst thing that happened yesterday was on my way home from Jax I got a call from a friend in the newsroom who said my apartment complex was on fire. Sure enough, it was. I immediately got on the phone and called my cop/fire buddies (I'm so happy I'm a reporter!) and got some details, but I made Mike drive me here ASAP. We couldn;t get in to the complex via car, so we parked a long way away and I practically ran intot he complex. Mike said he wanted to tackle me to stop me, but he's too polite to do that. Luckily the fire was no where near my building, but two apartments were completely destroyed. Very sad. March 15 I called Dr. Weiss regarding the hole...the drainage has slowed down so maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, he was in surgery all day so I didnt' hear from him yet. Tomorrow I guess. So, I've spent the entire day in bed,...sadly though, I've been eating junk food for comfort and now not only am I afraid but I feel fat and bloated. Tomorrow's another day, right? I called Mike last night after posting here and cried that I was scared, alone and in pain and asked again, why the hell did I do this to myself. He reminded me that this is such a short period of pain for a lifetime of feeling and looking good. God, I love him. We're gonna get formal portraits taken when my swelling is gone. When we do, I'll post. He's such a cutie and although he might have found me attracttive while I was in active weight loss, I would never have dated him when I was 298 chiefly because I really, really, really hated myself. I think I'm only now finally coming to terms with how much I hated myself. March 14 This hurts, this hurts, this hurts, this hurts. I hate it...what did I do to myself? Oh yeah, size 8/10 is great! I'm a shopping fiend. I've bought so many mini-skirts and tiny T-shirts...next stop, undies and a bikini. I've split a hole in the incision near the mons pubis and right hip. I'm scared it's gonna get infected. It's already leaking fluid. I called dr. weiss and he said it was ok...nothing to worry about but still, a hole isn't good is it? I'm treating with neosporin and anti=bacterial soap and I'm working to get the fluid out. I don't want a seroma or worse, necrosis of the skin. Ugh. March 13 10 days post op and I'm feeling pretty good. I had the drains removed on Tuesday and the two stitches and gauze removed from my belly button. I love my tiny belly button. Here's pics. The skin from my abdomen weighed 10 pounds...yech. No word on how much my thigh skin weighed. I'll post scar pics soon. I tried on my first bikini today over the girdle...size Medium! I looked so cute! I also tried on some pants and shorts and although the 10 Dockers fit, the 10 Levis 505 didn't. I was mad. But I'm not buying clothes now anyway, I want to wait until more swelling goes down. I actually felt better today, a little more normal. The left butt cheek doesn't hurt as much as it did, so that's a good sign. March 12 I had a scare tonight. I woke up when Mike called me and after we finished speaking, I got up to go to the bathroom-- which is still an ordeal, I might add. Anyway, when I got up, I felt this liquid run down my leg. I turned on the light, grabbed my glasses and the front of my binder was covered in orange/red liquid. I screamed for my mom and we looked at me closely. Her first question was had I peed on myself. I didnt; think I had, so we took off the binder and low and behold the scar between my mons pubis and right hip was leaking. I FREAKED! I lay down with a maxi pad on the scar and started absorbing the liquid. My mom grabbed my doctor's 'bible' of instructions and it said in cases like this, apply pressure for 20 mins and then if it doesn't stop, call the office. I held pressure, cried and waited. Nothing stopped, so I called. He called me back right away and said it was fluid that would have been sucked out by the drains that we removed that day. He said it was normal and as long as it was leaking, it was a good thing. He said cover it with a maxi pad and change the pad throughout the day. If the fluid becomes red (bloody) call. It's still leaking, but it's that orangey stuff, which is good. There's no sign of infection, which is what I was the most terrified of. Needless to say, I had a lousy night's sleep. Thank God Mike called when he did. I would have rushed to the ER if I'd been awakened int he AM soaked with bloody liquid. Yech Well, had my first post-op appt...Dr. Weiss removed ten pounds of abdomoninal skin in two huge chunks. I'll scan in the photos later (when I am not so sore) and put them up on the site. He also removed two pounds of skin from my thighs. I didn't realize it at the time, but I also got a fanny lift so I now have large incisions under each cheek. these really hurt. The stomach incision doesn't hurt as much although now the muscles underneath are starting to regrow so there's some burning involved. I've made it through the 'oh my God what the hell did I do to myself' phase...that was fun. I actually spent a few hours one night crying. I had a dream I was run over by a train and when I woke up, I realized that the pain from the dream was real and it hadn't stopped when I woke up. That's when it hit me that I spent a lot of money to be in such pain. March 3 I'm home, I'm sore, miserable and I cannot pee. They put me on a catheter. I'm so unhappy but the Demerol is making me whoozy and I'm sleeping a lot. This hurts like hell. I've got drains on each hip, and I was bleeding a lot in the hospital, but the nurses said it was quite normal. I'm skinny, though. Feb 29 Met with Dr. Weiss and the hospital on Friday...my big day is almost here. He concurred that the pain from the TT/thigh lift is gonna be much worse than with my lap RNY. Yech. But, the good news is he gave me serious pain meds. I'm now in the process of getting my house in order, gotta go grocery shopping today and stock up on food for me, the cat and my mother who will come to take care of me. That's the best part this time around-- I GET TO EAT! Last time, I sat there and coveted my mom's food (not that my little pouchie was in the mood for food, but head hunger is a killer!) but this time, I'm gonna eat whatever I want, within reason. I want to use this medical leave time to reset the dumpometer, which I've gotten off kilter. I'm still eating what ever I want (with the exception of doing shakes) and right now I'm eating a lot of crap == stress eating raises it's ugly head. I went shopping yesterday at Old Navy and bought some cute little sleep pants since i Found out that the binder.girdle I have to wear goes down below my knee like a crop pant. The pants are (gulp) size XS and S -- can't really wear them comfortably now cause they're too tight across the panni, but on Tuesday, they will be what I'm wearing home from the surgeon. Update on the surgery itself: No stitches on the outside, they're gonna use the glue instead at my request. With my lap RNY I had trouble with the two incisions at the front. My body decided to attack the stitches, rather than heal itself. As a result, I now have large scars that shouldn't really be there. So, Dr. Weiss said he could use the glue rather than conventional stitches and that it wouldn't pose any slowdown in recovery time. Speaking of recovery time, I'm taking 6 weeks. My mom will be here for 8 days (9 if you count the day of surgery) and she'll take me to my first post-op appointment. Mike will take me to appointment numbe r2, which is at two weeks. I also go at 3 weeks, one month, two months, three months, six months and one year. That's about the same as it was with my RNY. I think I'm physically ready: I've stocked up on maxi pads, for the groin incisions; chucks (disposable bed pads) for drainage, seepage and to just save my mom from having to change sheets daily; baby wipes, to keep groin and perenium clean as well as to take a sponge bath. I still need to fill my prescription (demerol 50 mg) and buy baby oil to help get the garment/binder on and off. I also plan to use the oil to help me get a clean shave down there...per my surgeon. He said it's easier for me if I do it, so I don't get razor burn. Makes sense, but I don't like the idea of having to do that. I also cannot shower for a week after surgery, so regrowth is gonna be itchy. Thank goodness for Demerol. Feb. 26 I've been reading a bunch of horror stories surrounding plastic surgery and I'm getting scared. I'm stressed, which has given me a migrane, diahreah and bad gas. I actually want to hide from the world right now. Not good. I think I'm PMSing. I just found out that a friend and her husband are expecting. I'm so happy for them...they've got a great marriage and will be excellent parents. But at the same time, I feel so sorry for myself right now, when I should be feeling happy. So much is good in my life...my weight, my future flat tummy, my relationship with Mike. But at the same time, my life is in another period of upheaval, granted a good period. Still, I sometimes think I'm not capable of handling the good stuff. I totally want to hide from the world right now. I want to run away. I want to lock the door and sleep. That's not good, is it? See, no matter how much weight you lose, how normal you look, the problems you had before don't really go away. Feb. 25 Less than a week to go and I'm petrified, not of the outcome, but of the pain and helplessness I am going to feel. I hate being a patient, I hate not being able to take care of myself. I've totally reverted to unhealthy eating habits out of stress and I worry that I'm going to gain weight. I'm eating what I want, as I have been for the past few months. I'm not trying to lose weight any more-- a weird feeling, I might add-- and I'm eating small amounts, but I need to resolve to be better...perhaps go on a protein fast for three days? OK, I'm gonna go have a shake right now. Feb. 10 Anxeity is starting to kick in over the plastic surgery. I'm nervous mostly about the pain involved. I hate to hurt. I know the end results will be worth it, but I kind of wish it were over. Waiting stinks. I'm now teaching three nutrition classes at Curves and they want to hire me as a fitness tech. I am actually considering making fitness and nutrition a full-time career one day. I'd like to have other options, not that I don't love what I do now, but perhaps when I'm a parent I could work part-time in fitness? NO, I'm not pregnant, nor am I considering children any time soon...Mike and I have only dated four months which is WAY TOO SOON to be thinking about kids. Still, I'm not getting any younger, only thinner :) Jan. 24 Do you ever stare at the mirror and not recognize yourself? I went through this a lot with the RNY. I changed so much so quickly that I sometimes find myself staring at the mirror and wondering who that person is staring back at me. Consciously, I know that the person is me, but it's such a different reflection. I've grown used to seeing the wrinkly sharpei creature that I've become from the waist down. But in a few weeks that creature is going to be gone. This morning I found myself staring at the mirror and wondering what will be left behind when Dr. Weiss is done? I'm not worried about looking good, I'm more worried about looking normal (whatever normal is.) I find myself looking at skinny people differently now, heck, I find myself looking at MO people differently now too. I will forever hold a secret bond with MO people, one that unless I open my mouth and tell my story, few people will ever know. But I cannot yet relate to skinny people partly because I don't feel skinny. I know the size on my clothing and the weight on the scale say differently, but I see all this loose skin and I feel fat. So now I wonder, will that fat feeling go away when the skin does? Jan. 22 OK, here's the details on my tummy tuck. I have a preop appointment for blood work and all the routine testing on Feb. 27 in Jacksonville. I then go in at 8:30 a.m. that following Tuesday for the 4.5 hour TT and medial thigh lift, which is scheduled to begin at 11:15 a.m.. My incisions will be a hip-to-hip for the TT and two horizonatal incisions in the groin for the thigh lift. I will only be at the hospital for outpatient surgery so I won't have to stay overnight unless there's a problem-- which I don't expect there to be. I'll leave with two JP drains, one on each hip, and come back in a week for a followup. I'm going to request the dermabond glue instead of stitches since i had problems with the stitches for my RNY. I do not want staples. I'm excited, but nervous at the same time. I'm also thinking of having the paper follow me and do a story on my plastic surgery. I figure, I helped so many people the first time when my story ran on my RNY, that this would probably help folks too. We'll see. In the meantime, my goals are to protein load, get all my vitamins in and recover from this stupid sinus infection that I got the day after I receieved approval. The sinus infection knocked me for a loop. I was out of work for two days and pouchie was nauseated all the time because of all the drainage. Yech. I found out that I can take Nyquil, but it makes me dizzy -- not dumping dizzy, but enought that I could actually sleep for a few hours. I'll save this for when I'm really sick... I went bowling with Mike last night, it was the first time I'd bowled since losing all my weight. The first few games I really sucked. I had to learn how to do everything again. I even had to learn to throw the ball again because, and I'm having a hard time explaining this, but my arms used to have to reach around my fat belly and now they don't, meaning the way I throw the ball is now different. That probably makes no sense, but think about it, when we're MO, our arms hang farther out from our bodies because they have to go over our tummies. Anyway, once I'd gotten a few games under my belt, I was OK, I even managed to beat Mike once. Granted, I still was not as good as I used to be when I played a few years ago, but it was still really fun! Jan. 19 My tummy tuck got approved!!! It's scheduled for March 2 at 10:30 a.m. with Dr. Eric Weiss in Jacksonville, FL. I'm shaking with excitement. More later, when I can actually think and type at the same time. Dec. 31 I went on a shopping spree last night with the intention of buying clothes, since plastic surgery is definately not going to happen this year....anyway, I had trouble finding stuff that I liked with one exception: a beautiful black skirt and top from Ann Taylor SIZE 10!!!! I couldn't believe it when I put the skirt on, zipped it and was actually able to breathe! I jumped up and down in the middle of the store.... I guess you could say I was (AM!) excited! So, it's new year's eve...so much has changed for me in the past year. I remember last year, sitting on my porch eating sf popsicles watching it rain. I had no expectations for 2003...I mean, I knew I was going to lose weight, but how much remained a mystery. Now, here I am 130 pounds lighter facing another new year. I wonder what this one will bring? Dec. 28 I promised my mother I'd go on a week-long diet with her...she'll do Weight Watchers, I'll do low-carb, high protein and try for one week to be perfect again. We'll call each other daily to check in. This is more for her benefit than mine. When I went home at Christmas, she'd gained some weight and was unhappy...and uncomfortable. So, I told her we could do it together. In anticipation of the week, I got on the scale this AM, knowing full well that I haven't really dieted in about 6 weeks and that during the holidays I ate anything and everything I wanted, only in small, miniscule quantites and enjoyed myself and I still managed to lose weight. I'm down to 157/156 today...but I still plan on doing high pro/lo carb this week. May as well, M is out of town for a week so no dinner dates and I have to work on New Year's Eve and New Year's day, so no big parties for me. Dec. 27 I went to Epcot tonight with my mom, brother, uncle and aunt, brother's girlfriend and her mother. It was great, we had a lot of fun and I ate duck at Nine Dragons. Actually, I ate too much duck/moo goo gai pan and hot and sour soup and ended up sick. So, add Epcot as one of the more glamorous locations where pouchie has been pissed off... funny, he didn't get sick on Mission:Space, but he got sick cause I ate one too many pieces of chicken. Ugh. Nah, my brother Chris and I had a long talk about it afterwards, and I'd much rather be sick for a few minutes than fat for a lifetime! This is me, with my brother. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE CAN GIVE ME A PIGGYBACK RIDE!!! No guy has ever been able to give me a piggy back ride...ok, perhaps when I was 4 but that was a long, long time ago! Notice the exicted look on my face and know that seconds after this pic was taken, when he put me down, I began jumping up and down screaming like a little school girl....gotta love the new life!!!! I got a cute new shirt from my Uncle for the holidays. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to need to start buying T-shirts when I'm out and about because all of my shirts are too big. Most are XXL and I'm now a medium. Yep, a medium. So, my rule of not buying t-shirts is out the window. I'm still buying magnets though, cause I like my collection, but I need to add to my T-shirt collection. I should have let M buy me a T-shirt when we went to Hard Rock two weeks ago. Oh well...I'll definately get one when we go to NYC in Feb. Dec. 25 I spent Christmas morning at home with mom and my brother then drove three hours southwest to Cape Coral to see my dad. It was the first time he'd physically laid eyes on me in more than a year. I was very nervous and tried on my outfits, making sure to chose one that really accentuates my weight loss. I settled on a black wide necked sweater (L) and ivory pants (12p). The last time my dad saw me I was wearing a blue sweater (3X) and black pants (28) from Lane Bryant. So I arrive just as they've jumped into the car to head out for a drive. I stood by my car and waited. My stepmother, in the passenger side of the car immediately jumped out and gave me a big hug. My dad pulled the car into the garage again. I wanted to stay there, but I'd just driven 300 miles and I had to pee so I went in to the house. My dad came in and waited for me in the kitchen. When I finally caught up to him, he gave me a big bear hug and then started crying. I've never seen my dad cry. It was a little odd standing there. I cannot imagine what he must have gone through suddenly seeing me 130 pounds later. I 've been here the whole time and it still blows my mind how much my body has changed. Apparently my personality has changed to. Both my parents, in seperate conversations obviously, said that I'm a lot nicer, a lot happier and a lot more pleasant to be around now that I'm thin. I never thought about it really, but I guess I was difficult to be around. My mom said I had this attitude of "here I am, love me or else" but I never saw it that way...I always thought I was insecure and people saw that. I mean, I was and still am a bold and brazen person, only people take it better from me now that I look "normal" what ever normal is. We had a wonderful night together, our first Christmas in more than 20 years. I got two gift cards to Victoria's Secret (whoo hoo) and I plan to use one now, one later after I have plastic surgery (IF I EVER HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY) I also got a shopping spree from my brother Chris and a Gap gift card from my brother Ryan. Clothes are good...Jen needs clothes. Dec. 24 I've given up on getting plastic surgery approval before the end of the year...so my new timeline is sometime in March 2004? So, because I have a wedding to go to in January and I know my size isn't going to change that drastically (I think I'll drop about two sizes by having plastics) I decided to go shopping for a dress and I bought my first ever little black cocktail dress. It was so exciting. I had a hard time believing that the tiny little dresses I chose off the rack would actually fit over my head, much less go down around my hips, and I found myself constantly amazed when they did. The one that I chose is incredible and I feel so estatic that I now own a little black dress...I'll tell ya, sometimes this surgery makes my head spin--life has changed that much! Shopping for the dress was fun. I went into both the juniors and misses sections and was shocked when a juniors dress fit me. Excuse me???? My shopping companion, Judy, kept looking at me funny. I had to explain to her how wierd it was not knowing what size to buy or how to shop for yourself. Oh, at one point, I wandered into the women's section, even though there is NO WAY anything in there, even a 14W, would fit. I actually tried on four dresses and had a hard time chosing between two of them. Had I not been waiting for PS, I probably would have bought them both...but the other one won't fit me when and if I ever have a tummy tuck. I'm happy with my choice, cause it looks good, very sexy. I'll wear it to M's brother's wedding in January...unless I go out someplace fancy for New Year's Eve. After I got home to my mom's house, we went to the mall and she got me a black shawl for the dress. I cannot believe how much I've turned into a girly-girl. I love playing dressup now that I fit into normal clothes! What a wonderful thing this is! Dec. 22 Twelve days and I still haven't heard from the insurance company. It's starting to stress me out to the point that it's affecting my daily life. Ugh. I got into a huge fight with my mom over it, I am having dreams about it and I actually had a bad day shopping because of it. Me, a bad day shopping? I love shopping, but not right now....I don't want to buy clothes that won't fit me in God only knows when. But at the same time, I need some winter clothes, because yes, it does get cold down here in Sunny Fla. It's a catch-22. Dec. 20 I celebrated the first night of Hanukkah tonight with my boyfriend. It's my first Hanukkah ever and it was a wonderful event. It was so nice, the candles and the music! We even read about some of the traditions and history of the holiday (in other words, we did research! Gotta love it!) Tomorrow we're going to the Bucs game, where we will probably watch the team lose. Boy, what a disappointing year it's been, but as a loyal Bucs fan for more than 20 years, it's tradition to route for a losing team...last year was a fluke, granted, it was a happy fluke! Dec. 17 Today I had my second meeting with the Rabbi to continue my studies in Judaism. I cannot believe how much we really talked about in our 1 hour, but boy did we tackle some major topics! I'm really enjoying our conversations. The Rabbi is not surprised that I'm tackling religion and faith right now, since this past year has been really about tackling the major issues in my life -- weight, relationships with family,friends, work. I made a committment to spend a year in deep introspection, and although my year is techincally over, I find myself still missing something -- Faith. I know what I believe although I don't understand exactly why I believe it. So, I've decided to dive deep into faith, Christianity and sprituality and see what happens. I've found a great Rabbi/teacher, someone who is willing to dive deep with me and see what happens. Like with the surgery, I am not promising myself anything at the end other than a better working knowledge of God, the Bible and perhaps, Christianity. Yes, my Rabbi is teaching me more about Christianity than my priest ever did. But, then again, Catholicism really isn't about introspection and questions, is it? Dec. 10 I just faxed this letter to BCBS in hopes that they will approve my TT and thighplasty: To whom it may concern, I am writing this letter to request expedited approval for medically necessary surgical procedures listed below: Abdominoplasty Cpt Code: 15831 Thighplasty Cpt Code: 15832 I am not requesting these surgeries for cosmetic reasons. These surgeries are reconstructive following massive weight loss per the American Society of Plastic Surgeons and The American Medical Association. According ot the ASPS: loss of excessive weight may lead to redundant skin. Excision of redundant skin after weight loss in areas such as, but not limited to, the abdomen, lumbar region, arms, and/or thighs is medically necessary for intertrigo, monilial infestations, and/or panniculitis that have failed to resolve with conservative measures. Abdominoplasty is a surgical procedure used to alter the abdomen by removing excess skin and/or fatty tissue and tightening a lax anterior abdominal wall. Potential complications from abdominoplasty include blood or serum collections beneath the flap, infection, tissue loss, and protrusion of the abdominal wall between the left and right rectus abdominis muscles. Abdominoplasty and excision of redundant skin after weight loss is medically necessary and is performed for the treatment of the following conditions: suprapubic intertrigo, monilial infestations, and/or panniculitis when conservative treatment measures have failed. Excision of redundant skin after weight loss performed for all other indications is considered cosmetic. If cosmetic surgery is included in a group benefit contract as a covered service, the service is provided to members in such groups in accordance with the terms of the contract. Please note, even the human resource director at Florida Today, Julie Lusk, supports my surgery and is prepared to make any statements to assist in your decision. To give you a little background, Empire approved and paid for my gastric bypass surgery which was performed on 11/12/2002. Since that surgery date, I have lost 127 pounds. Because I carried the majority of my weight around my abdomen, I now have an excessive amount of skin hanging over my abdomen and mons pubis area. This skin causes rashes requiring medical intervention and daily cleansing with antibacterial gel and shampoo. The skin causes me back aches and has gotten caught in several zippers - a quite painful experience, I might add. I have problems with hygiene as it is very difficult to keep clean between the skin folds and I often take three to four showers a day and still never really feel clean nor am I odor free. A requirement of the gastric bypass surgery is that I must keep up my exercise to be successful. Exercise causes me great pain because of the excess skin constantly rubbing together. Rashes can lead to ulcers, so when a rash flares up, I must discontunue exercise. In addition, sweating can cause rashes/ulcers and I live in Florida...it's kind of hard not to sweat some times. The more I exercise the more I sweat and as a result of the sweat (trapped moisture) the rashes and infections are increasing and becoming worse. This has resulted in me becoming less active both at work as a reporter and in my personal life. In addition, please note that these functional impairments of the skin cannot be managed with non-surgical methods. First, you cannot do anything about the excessive skin without surgery. Skin that is as stretched out as mine cannot shrink to a 'normal' size. Second, the rashes and infections caused by the skin rubbing together between my abdomen and pubic area, thighs, breast, and arms cannot be cured without taking what is causing the rubbing away (the skin). The creams and lotions have done nothing the last seven or eight months to treat my condition. Additionally, without removing the skin, we cannot correct the abnormalities/deformities that have been created as a result of the treatment of the morbid obesity. All of my doctors treating me - general practitioner, bariatric surgeon, chiropractor - have stated and documented the medical necessity for me to have these procedures performed. The following are functional impairments as a result of the excess skin: intertrigo, suprapubic intertrigo, fungal dermatitis, folliculitis, rashes, yeast and bacterial, infections, hygiene issues, back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, problems lifting things over 10 pounds, problems sitting for long periods of time, problems standing for long periods of time. The covered disease for my intial surgery was Morbid Obesity. The treatment for Morbid Obesity was gastric bypass. The excess skin is a result of treatment (gastric bypass) of a covered disease (Morbid Obesity) – which qualifies me for reconstructive surgery. In addition, as stated below, reconstructive surgery is done to improve function, as well as approximate a normal appearance. The pain is becoming stronger with each day in regards my abdomen, lumbar, buttocks, arms, thighs, and breasts. The excessive skin is so great that I am experiencing degenerative disease in my lower back and neck. I can provide documentation to this affect, should Empire need it. Time is ticking away for me. The newspaper is going through major changes in the new year and unless I have this surgery before Dec. 31, I cannot secure the time neccesary until at least this summer. I cannot bear the thought of six more months of these horrible rashes, this awful pain and the embarrasment of the odor. Please, can you help me? Thank you for reading this lengthy letter. I really do appreciate your time. Sincerely, Jennifer Ellis I also faxed the article I wrote in the newspaper. I pray it works. Dec. 9 Bad day...today I: -overslept -screwed up a name on TV, got corrected by the anchor -got chewed out by one boss for following the directions of another - found out one of my collegues got engaged which is making me think about the stupid conversation I had last night Everything is cyclical, isn't it???????????? And now, to top it all off...still NOTHING from the damned insurance company. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's getting quite difficult.... I could use a hug or a shot of tequila....I could care less which it is. Tequila is faster... Dec. 8 Time is ticking away and still no word on the plastic surgery approval. My window of opportunity is quickly closing. If I don't get this done in December, the next chance for me to get it done isn't really until March because I have important plans in Jan and Feb. This is so frustrating and I'm trying not to get depressed. I hoped it would be a quick approval...but nope. I pray now that if I can get the approval this week, the surgeon can fit me in next week or the week after...but I am beginning to feel that it's not going to happen. I wish I could be happy with my figure...someone today called me skinny and I immediately looked at the panni and thought about how gross it really is. I love the fact that it doesn't seem to bother Mike, but it really bother's me. I wish I looked good naked, instead of like a big ole wrinkily gross person. I feel like a deflated balloon and it bothers me. It's keeping me from enjoying certain aspects of having a boyfriend, if you know what I mean. Dec. 1 I hit the 150s today and almost fell off the scale I was so excited. This after eating anything and everything I wanted at thanksgiving! I'm so excited and I've never been so happy in all my life! Everything is going right...new boyfriend, great bod, good health, work is great...wow what a difference a year makes! Thanksgiving was a blast..I got to eat turkey, cranberry jelly, stuffing (a little, not a lot) squash and green bean caserole. I dumped on something, most likely the cranberry but it was so good and in all fairness, I only ate a little. I've been so good lately, and I got gyped last year since I was a new post-op. I also had some wine (1 oz) and three bites of real pumpkin pie! I'm not really trying to lose weight at this point...I'm focusing more on eating right and living normally! PS woes continue. Long story, but here goes. last week I called the doctor's office and had them fax me the letter they sent to the insurance co. Well, it turns out the doc sent it to the wrong Blue Cross office. Urgh. I was ticked. I told the insurance lady at the dr.s office that she basically wasted a month of my precious time...and then said I'd handle approval from here on out. So, I personally faxed the paperwork in and had the claims person verify that they'd received it. Now I'm just praying for a quick approval because I want this lose skin gone before I meet my boyfriend's parents at the end of January. I'm trying to stay positive, like it's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen. I've got a lot going on in my life right now, that's the fun side-effect of this surgery-- you definately get a life! Nov. 19 Oh, I got sick last night on some chicken...I think I cannot do chicken breasts anymore which kind of concerns me. Ugh, it was horrible...pain, nausea, vomiting. In the middle of it, I realized that as ill as I felt, I really wanted M to be sitting there on the couch with me...not that he could do anything, but I suddenly wanted him there. Its odd because I spent years pushing people away both consciously and unconcsiously and I guess a large part of me is terrified that I'm going to push him away too. Let me backtrack...I've not really written about him yet. I met M through a set-up date about a month ago. We did a group date the first night and I didn't have to eat. The second date (our first official date) was a movie date, again, no food. So and was kind of forced into him about my WLS journey on our first meal date because two weeks later my story was coming out in the newspaper. I also am on the television news every morning between 6 and 6:15 a.m. and so, the station did a huge feature over two days on my journey. I pulled out my fat pants and everything. Now, not everyone gets outted that way, but hey, I thought I might help a few people out there see the real side of the WLS story! We're not all Al Roker and Carnie Wilson) So, here we are at this Italian restaurant and I've ordered my eggplant parmigana when I blurt out, "by the way, remember when I told you I wasn't an athletic child...well, that's 'cause I was a fat child. In fact, up until about 6 months ago, I was morbidly obese. Wanna see a picture? " His reaction to my before photo== "wow" So, the next date, a more formal date at a fancy restaraunt, he asks if I'd like wine. I said I would, but if we ordered a bottle, I'd end up in a coma. He laughed....and we talked more about the surgery. I also told him that night about my upcoming tummy tuck. Like I said, I dumped a lot on him in a very short time. But, the way I explained it was, this is me, this is my life and this is what I've gone through. I cannot deny, hide or omit any of the past year 'cause I'm so proud of what I've done. I also warned him that I still am MO in my head and sometimes I forget that I look normal. Do I think the guy would have looked at me, let alone fallen in love with me at 298, nope. Do I care? Nope because as long as I continue with my protein/water/vitamins, I'll never be 298 again. I may gain a few pounds, but he and I are on the same diet and exercise routine. He's a runner and after the TT he's gonna start running with me. (Am I mental, or what?) He encourages me to go the gym and asks me if I've eaten... heck, he even went to my one-year post-op meeting and then out to eat with a few post-op buddies of mine and as ya'll know, when posties get together, conversations tend to include some wierd topics. My favorite comment made was when my bud Ray (-210) said his panni looks like a giant butt!!! :) My guy has rolled with all the punches and I love him for that (and a LOT more!. I was terrified the first time a guy paid attention to me, and I hated the idea of having to break the 'news' about my WLS surgery. But again, this is my life and I am proud of who I've become. So, now my fears have moved from me scaring him, to me losing him. I know, this is probably natural...but I've never been through this before. As a MO adult, I isolated myself away from people. I am now 125 pounds less secure than I was before and it scares the crap out of me. Nov. 18 Did my weigh and measure at Curves last night and I've lost 6 more inches earning me my double foot (24 inches) gone since I joined Aug. 2. The best news was that my body fat composition is now NORMAL........I was so excited that I danced around the room! I also lost 9 pounds. I'd like to lose about 10 more before my visit with T on Dec. 3. We'll see. Nov. 12 One year ago today, I had Roux-en-Y gastric-bypass in a last-ditch, back-against-the-wall effort to lose weight. I had no choice. If I didn't have surgery, I was going to die young, probably of a heart attack. And, although I wasn't living much of a life, the idea of dying young scared me into surgery. At my heaviest, I topped out at about 298 pounds and wore a size 30/32. I couldn't walk a flight of stairs, fit in an airplane seat or ride a roller coaster. I avoided social activities where I'd have to eat in public. Today, I've lost about 120 pounds and have about 10 to 15 pounds of surplus skin I soon hope to have removed via reconstructive surgery. I've shrunk nine dress sizes, one shoe size and two ring sizes. I've reduced my cholesterol and blood pressure and eliminated the pain in my knees and back. I've met a wonderful man who has embraced every change I've had to go through and I've fallen in love. Because I'm thin enough and don't ache all the time, I've gone sky-diving in Titusville, rock climbing in Nevada and hiked up Dunn's River Falls in Jamaica. Now that I'm thin, I've joined a performance choir where I actually have to dance around in public, something I never would have done at 285 pounds. I guess you could say I've finally got the adventurous, athletic lifestyle I've always dreamed about. I'm not going to preach that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. Sometimes I make the right choices, but I still have my moments. I am, and always will be, a food addict. I accept that. My goal is to make healthy choices at least 90 percent of the time. I hope the weight is gone for good, but I know the surgery is not a guarantee. It doesn't create weight loss; it assists with weight loss. The rest is up to me. I can choose to eat junk food or I can choose to eat a healthy diet I cannot believe a year has gone by. I've been asked if I ever thought I would get to this point? Did I ever think I would be thin? The answer is, I don't think I am thin. One year later, and I still don't recognize the woman in the mirror or in recent photos. I wonder if I ever will. I'm having a hard time with all the attention I receive. A lot of long-term AMOS members tell me this is the second step in the weight-loss journey, the step where your brain must catch up to what your body has done. I know I've lost the weight. I can see the results on the scale and in the clothes I used to wear. But my brain hasn't adjusted. My eyes are bigger than my stomach when I go out to dinner, and I end up with a lot of leftover containers. I still carry around a "before" picture of me as a reminder, and I find myself staring at the woman in the photo. I'm the same person now as I was then, only happier. Nov. 4 I cannot believe it's been almost a year. Today's Ray's re-birthday, which means mine is only a week away. Where did the time go? I'm dating a new guy Nov. 5 Five more pounds gone! This puts me at 120 pounds lost in one week shy of one year. What an amazing journey! Oct. 28 I had my Plastic Surgery consult yesterday and my doc said I have a considerable amount of skin that will need to be removed. He estimates 10-15 pounds to be exact and thinks he'll have NO trouble getting the surgery approved by my insurance company. I'm also going to go for a thigh lift while I am there. I'll pay that out of pocket. The surgery is on an outpatient basis, which sounds good to me. I hated hanging around the hospital. I could have gone home after a day, if you ask me. Now,he will make me stay if there's a problem, I mean, they won't rush me out the door or anything. Oct. 22 I went to the food and wine festival at Epcot this past weekend and ate my way around the world. I don't feel guilty though, because I ate a bite or two and then threw the rest away. Then Saturday night I went to the Party for the Senses which was all-you-care-to-eat gourmet food. The spread was INCREDIBLE! I ate all the protein and maybe a bite of the carb. I also ate a bite or two of deserts...they were heavenly! Oct. 14 I had a meeting with the exec. editor today about doing my story for the health section. I am so psyched about getting my story in the paper. He wants the theme of the story to be the 'real' deal behind this surgery, in otherwords, I'm NOT Carnie or Al. I am a real person with a real job and real expectations. So, what is the REAL story? It's supposed to be a conversational story, me talking to the reader, cluing them in on what this new life is like. I can tell you what it's been like for me-- ONE HECK OF AN AMAZING RIDE! Oct. 8 Oh, I got so sick on some chicken today. I think it was too dry because it sat in my pouch like a rock. Some of it worked its way back out--what is it with that slimey mucus?-- but the majority of it sat there. For one hour I burped and tried to get it to go down. I was miserable. It's been a long, long time since that's happened. It was kind of frightening. One of my co-workers got really worried about me and said that I needed to take care of myself, unlike L. I told her I was taking care of me, and if the chicken hadn't passed after a reasonable amount of time, I would call my surgeon. Thank God I didn't have to:) Sept. 12 TEN MONTHS Today!!! I'm at 178 and have lost 107 pounds and 91.25 inches --- And of those inches, 13.25 of them have come off since I joined Curves Aug. 2! I cannot believe how much exercise really does help. Sadly, the inches aren't coming off my panni or my arms, which is why I so desperately want plastic surgery. I think my belly (abdomen, not waist) is done losing...the skin is not going away. It's funny to see it when I pull it out and put my belly button 'back' where it's supposed to go, then I look so thin. :) Sept. 8 MY BMI is in the 20s -- 29.6 down from 47.7 --- I'm not OBESE anymore, merely overweight and I'm almost normal! I've turned into one of those whiny women who bitch about the last 20 pounds being sooooo hard to lose. OMG, me worried about 20? I just lost 107... eee-ghads, what a joke I must seem like to others :) I had to get a new mugshot taken at work today because all we had in the system was my 'fat' one. That was awesome! I've changed so much in such a short time! Aug. 26 I weighed in at Curves last night-- down 6 1/2 pounds and 8 1/4 inches. This means since Nov. 12, 2002 I've lost: 105 pounds and a total of 86.25 inches (or 7.188 feet) To put this in perspective: LA Laker Shaquille O'Neal is 7' 1" tall Pop diva Britney Spears weighs 105 pounds I've lost Shaq and Britney in 9.5 months! I love this surgery! Aug. 12 I spent yesterday and today out wandering the football fields with high school football players. Today I watched a bunch of kids running sprints. I felt so bad for the MO kids...yes there were quite a few. I wanted to run to them ('cause I can now) and put my arms around them and tell them not to give up hope. Then I realized how lucky I was. I could actually do that workout with them today if I had to. Last year when I did this assignment I couldn't walk from my car to the field without getting tired! Aug. 4 For the past few months I have tested and tested and tested my dumping reaction and I now can successfully eat a bunch of sugar without dumping. This is not something I am proud of. I wish I didn't know that I could eat cake, cookies, chocolate, ice cream and other non-nutritional junk foods. I want to erase the knowledge from my brain. I don't want to know that I can eat this crap. Bottom line I'm ticked at myself for falling back into old patterns, and would give anything to get back the dumping syndrome again. I'm joining a group protein feast/fast/buffett (those are the latest names) on Monday next week and will work this week to slowly wean myself off sugar, carbs and other 'bad' things so I don't suffer major headaches on Monday or make my co-workers want to kill me. I've also joined Curves and made a committment to myself to get more exercise into my life. I had another person who hadn't seen me since surgery 8.5 months ago not recognize me! I love that! But then she said 'I hope you didn't do anything drastic like have your stomach stapled or something like that.' I looked her straight in the eye, grinned and said, 'as a matter of fact I did. I had an RNY on Nov. 12. I've lost 102 pounds." she asked 'are you healthy?' I said, arms stretched out wide, 'don't I look healthy!' Aug. 3 I've been overweight for 19 years. Not just overweight, I've been Morbidly Obese for 12 years. My weight gain was not an overnight thing, so why do I keep expecting my weight loss to be an overnight thing? That's unrealistic. Reality for me is that my body will lose weight at the rate IT needs to, not the rate I'D like it to. If I look at my numbers, I look pretty good: BMI: 30.1 PERCENTAGE OF BODY FAT: 34.5 Weight: 185 Height: 5-5 25 percent body fat is normal for a woman. That means I only need to lose about 10 percent more. I've already lost 71.8 percent of my excess body weight--- which even if I didn't lose another pound I'd be considered a success. July 21 100 POUNDS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO CENTURY CLUB That felt good this morning, seeing that 185 clear as day! No 2 in front! What a major goal...of course, I don't think I deserve it after the two slices of pizza I ate last night, but I'll take it. 100 pounds gone, but they could come back unless I do something and stay on top of my eating. Man, I wish I dumped easily, I wish I'd never tried sugar and I wish I could stay away from bad foods. July 7 I've been blessed in that my road so far has been relatively easy. I've not had some of the problems others have had (I've also had slower loss than many, but that's my bod, not theirs!) I want to keep my health up, not just during this first year to 18 months when so much is changing, but for the next 20-30-50 years! I found shakes I enjoy, shakes I don't mind doing and I will continue to do them, but I wonder about what the later reprecussions are. July 4 I suck at dieting. This is perhaps one of the biggest reasons I was fat. I hate being restricted, I hate having to give up anything and I hate the scrutiny I put myself under when I am dieting. So I guess it's quite ironic that I rearranged my insides and forced myself to go on a contstant life-long diet that involves or should involve absolute restrictions from certain foods (sugar, carbs) June 8 Since I began my journey 6.5 months ago, I've compared myself countless numbers of times to others post op. I've beaten myself up because I'm losing slowly, or so and so has lost more weight than I have etc. This sick mentally unfair behavior HAS GOT TO STOP. It's driving me insane with jelousy, making me doubt my own strength and making me feel like this will be yet another endeavour I will fail at. The truth is, I'M NOT FAILING. I am going to win this battle. Heck, I've already won. I'm in 14/16 clothes. I've recognized I have an addiction and cannot have certain foods in my house (ice cream) and I am making better food choices than I have ever made in my life. I've grown addicted to protein shakes (a feat I NEVER thought possible) and I've been able to pass up eating the junk food that my brother keeps in his room. So I say it again. I'm NOT FAILING Yes, I'm losing slow. But, I am losing. The weight is coming off. It will continue to come off. I will not BLOW this like I have so many other times before. There is no possible way for me to blow this because I want it too much. June 5 What I love about my WLS journey: --The day I found a shake I actually salivated over -- The day I walked into the normal section of the department store and realized I could shop there -- I can now cross both my legs -- hearing people calling me skinny or slim -- buckling my airplane seat and having to tighten IT! -- realizing I no longer had to have the entire bag of chocolate candy, but could enjoy that one perfect bite! -- skydiving for the first (and last) time -- knowing I can go into almost any restaurant and eat low-carb because it's become a habit now rather than torture -- stealing clothes from my 'skinny' friends because we now wear the same size -- moving up my car seat closer to the steering wheel -- jogging (yes, jogging!) more than 5 steps and not getting so winded I need to sit down -- having a friend of mine ask another person 'who is that' the first time she saw me as a post-op and then not really believing it was me! June 2 I've come to the acceptance that I will NEVER conquer my food addiction. I will be a food addict for the rest of my life. I want food, I love food and the only thing this surgery did for me was give me a way to not give in to my overwhelming desires to eat food. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOOO greatful I have a small pouch instead of a huge stomach that I could fill with unnatural amounts of food. But why do I still have the DESIRE to eat? Why can't my slimmer body be fulfilling enough? Why do I still lament that I want to be thin yet I want to eat that chocolate, those cookies, that ice cream. I am well into my six month period (I am 6.5 months post-op. I've lost 30.2 percent of my total body weight and 63.7 percent of what I want to lose total...if that's even realistic. Should I set 135 pounds lost as my goal?) But at 6.5 months post-op I can eat a lot compared to what I used to be able to eat. I'm kind of freaked out and a bit anxious that I'll never get this done. May 12 SIX MONTHS ALREADY!!! Well, as of this morning, I'm down 82 pounds (wish it were more, but it isn't and I am happy with what I've accomplished) I've gone from a 26/28 to a 16/18 and some 14s. I lost 6 pounds this month (plateau?) and 4 inches from mostly my upper chest (oh, why couldn't it have been from my fat tummy?!) and 65 inches. BY they way, I am 65 inches tall, meaning I've lost a complete me!!!!!!!!! May 2 I dumped at dinner tonight while in a restaraunt, which was a first for me. I didn't suspect anything was wrong. I'd made good choices - caesar salad, Chilean sea bass stuffed with lobster and crab. I'd asked them to leave out the rice side and instead double up on the steamed broccoli. I never made it to the fish. I dumped on something I'd never have suspected was a bad thing--- what a lesson to learn! Turns out, the restaraunt I was at serves salads along with a 'relish plate' filled with pickled stuff along with olives, baby corn and peppers. I ate a few bites of these green pickled things. I remember taking a little bite, chewing it up and waiting to see what pouchie would do. I guess I didn't wait long enough. I should have known better since I was sick the night before thanks to some sf cheesecake (ugh, just the thought of ever eating that again makes me want to hurl!) I ate a few pieces of the green pickled things and then it hit me. Hot flashes, sweating, slight dizzyness and a killer headache! Oh, it was awful. I don't think my dinner companion noticed until my dinner arrived and I never touched a bite. I passed it off by saying "I'm full. I never should have eaten all my salad." I believe they bought it. Anyway, when the waiter came to check on our meals, I joked how full I was and asked what those green pickled things were because they were so good, they were the reason I couldn't touch my fish. (Waiters always look at me funny when I don't eat my dinner. I know now, since I'm in a 16 and not a 28 that they aren't thinking 'that fat girl is putting on airs for her dinner date' but still.....) Ready for the answer to the mystery green pickled thingies? PICKLED WATERMELLON RIND OK, they were good, but I know watermellon for me is too high in sugar. I would never eat it. So, tonight I learned a valuable lesson. Hidden sugars are EVERYWHERE and they are out to get me. My hot flashes are gone, but my head still aches. I feel like I have a migrane, but it's not quite that bad. In fact, I think I'm going to go eat my sea bass now. April 12 I am wearing size 16 jeans today meaning I have officially lost 7 ...yes 7....dress sizes. Whoo hoo. I feel so happy. It means this week of low-carbing it really worked. Not only have I lost pounds on the scale (11 since I returned from vacation two weeks ago) but I have also lost inches! I feel great. April 6 I DID IT! I SURVIVED SKYDIVING. To celebrate my birthday, I decided I'd go skydiving for no other reason than I'd lost enough weight to do it. I sent out a message to my colleagues and co-workers inviting them to join me in my birthday jump. Seven signed up (one later backed out.) So, on April 5, at 11 a.m. I arrived at Skydive Space Center in Titusville. I'd had a protein shake on the way there, and was feeling energetic and alive. Panic never ensued. Nerves never kicked in. Fear never surfaced her ugly head. In hindsight, I wonder if I should have been a little bit scared? What the heck was I about to do and how could I live with myself if something happened to one of the six people I'd brought with me? My journey began with the obligatory weigh-in (which I actually didn't mind since I was five months post RnY 11/12/02 and down more than 70 pounds and 56 inches) as well as video-watching, and seemingly endless execution of legal waivers (which I really did read). We waited and waited for our turn. Two of my friends had already completed their dive and two more were suited up and ready to go when we were informed that as soon as they landed (and the plane returned) the third and final group-- Diane, Brian and I --- would be good to go. So we waited. On the ground, our merry group of experienced jumpers - Dien and Juan - told us tales and showed us their video. We played with our mascot--Denise's daughter Caroline and waited our turn. Suddenly our names were called over the loudspeaker and we began our search for jumpsuits that would fit. Diane and I both got a lovely blue suit, Brian couldn't find one that fit, and chose to dive in his jeans and T-shirt. Within seconds of gearing up, it became unbearably hot in the hangar. It was a gorgeous day, 85-degrees and very few clouds. I grew concerned that I would overheat, and had Denise run out to my car to grab my cooler with its caffeine-free, carb-free, sugar-free drinks inside. (This moment of pre-planning proved to be quite fortuitous later!) After another 30 minutes our tandem partners arrived and began suiting us in our harnesses. Mine, Richard, took great pleasure in making jokes about de-flowering me, and manhandling me as he hooked me into the cumbersome gear. I joked along, a slapstick and somewhat goofy grin on my face. During this time, I found myself being interviewed for my video. I don't remember what I said, but I know I sounded like a dork. I kept hearing my friends shout 'happy birthday Jen' and I remember I said a lot of "yeahs" and "awesomes" Again, not one of my finer moments... We got into the plane, which was a long plane with two long benches on either side. Diane and her partner were behind Richard and I. Brian and his partner sat beside me. Two other jumpers were between me and the door, which remained open for takeoff. I was under the wing, with a window view, and saw my friends waving bye to us as we took off. Our airborne trip took about 15 minutes or so. We circled over Titusville and past KSC. We had incredible views of the Space Center and the Mosquito Lagoon. We flew about 15 miles south of the airport before we'd achieved a high enough altitude to circle back. I don't remember when I noticed the door was open again and the jumpers in front of me began inching forward. Seconds later, they were gone and Yoshi was moving forward, camera pointed at me. My moment of truth arrived and I was told to slide forward on the bench and toward the opening. Suddenly I found myself standing on the edge of the world, nothing below me. The sensation was akin to peeking off the tallest building in the world - without knowing if the safety net below was really going to be there. The wind struck with gale force, like a vertical hurricane. It was freezing up there. My right foot slipped out of the hatch and was hanging literally in mid-air. I stressed about it for a split second before I felt myself being rocked to my right...one...two...three and we were out the door. We spun, gyrated, twisted, turned, twirled - seemingly out of control, at a velocity close to 120 mph. I was totally disoriented relative to the horizon and Richard behind me. When we finally achieved optimal position - prone, spread-eagled, Richard above me burrowed into my back - he pulled a drag line which slowed us slightly. After surveying the world around me, sky above, space center behind me, Orlando in the far distance. Straight ahead and saw Yoshi, the cameraman, lens of his 35 mm Nikon mounted on his helmet pointed at me. I screamed OH MY GOD!!!!!! not in terror but in excitement. Then it hit me, I was falling through space and had no idea if I'd l and safely. I didn't care. I had fulfilled one of my dreams and actually jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet for no reason other than I was thin enough to do it!!! We only were in the free-fall for about two or three minutes, at one point blowing through a low-level cloud, but it was my favorite part. I loved it!! I felt so free, so alive, so untethered despite the fact that I had a 180 pound man strapped to me. At 5,000 feet altitude, the main parachute was deployed, slowing us abruptly and significantly. My feet were suddenly thrust from behind me in a 'banana position' to in front of me in a 'seated position.' Richard had me wiggle the harness so the straps were below my mid-thigh. I struggled, but they eased their way down and I was able to enjoy the ride--for about 10 seconds. That's when I became ill...not from the skydive, but from the twists and turns Richard decided he wanted to take. We'd float smoothly, but then suddenly he'd cut left with the precision of a military rocket on it's way to target an incoming patriot missile. At one point, eyes closed and the world spinning, Richard asked me 'is this OK?' Because the harness had traveled its way from my chest to my trachea, cutting off my voice, I vehemently shook my head no. Big mistake. Admitting I was having a hard time only seemed to encourage Richard and bring on the nausea He continued the turns and twists. I closed my eyes again. And then, suddenly, the airport appeared. I saw my friends on the ground and I held out my hands in a peace sign. When it looked like we were about to land, I moved my legs into a seated position and then found myself bumping butt first onto the ground. It was a humiliating way to land. But at that moment, I was so happy to be seated on terra firma because I felt myself overcome with nausea and began to belch. That's when Yoshi decided to stick the camera in my face and ask me how I liked the ride. I told the truth, I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it was an incredible experience. I was asked if I'd skydive again. Here's my current thinking: fate is fickle. It should be tempted only on occasion. I'm hesitant to say never again, because never is such a permanent thing. But after the hugs from my friends and fellow jumpers, I decided a repeat may not be in my future. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I vomited because of the motion sickness, not from the jump, but from the twists and turns Richard (hereby to be known as the sadist) took. Still, now I can tell my grandkids the story of that "day back in 2003 when I took a leap and discovered the sky isn't the limit, the ground is." March 31 I BAAAAAACKKKK from a week-long cruise to the Carribbean. I brought home a wonderful souvenir- a horrible cold. I have been alternating between the couch and my bed with not much in between. I have been only eating soup, and then in limited amounts, but today I got in one protein shake so far with plans to drink another tonight. I have gotten in ALL my vitamins since I got sick, so yea me. The cruise was wonderful! I treated pouchie well and fed him a high-protein, medium-carb diet while were aboard. I'll confess to not being 100% on-program, but I did eat small portions, skip drinking with my meals, skip the desert buffet, the High Dutch Tea and most calorie-laden snacks...I also went to the gym EVERY DAY I was aboard and even took a Pilates class while I was there (four classes on a seven day cruise!) I had several "ah-ha" moments while I was aboard-- but here's the most memorable: This came on Day 3 after I a) walked around in a bathing suit and nothing else <>> and b) hiked the entire length of Dunn's River Falls. For those of you not in the know, Dunn's River Falls is a natural waterfall with rocks in strategic locations that you can climb up. It is in NO WAY easy, but not like climbing a cliff or something. That's me in the red suit--still heavy, but a lot smaller than I was five months ago!But, thanks to my 70 pound loss (not to mention the fact that I am six sizes smaller) I was able to do it--the whole thing! I felt so good when I was done! March 20 FOOD IS EVERYWHERE OK, so the war began and our newsroom responded by bringing in Dunkan Donuts. I ate chicken salad and, 1 1/2 hours later had a protein shake. Then the newspaper honored those of us who kicked butt during the Columbia disaster. They gave us cake. I ate two bites and gave my piece away. I then felt guilty and immediately drank 17 oz of water. March 19 No loss in a few days. It's getting frustrating. II don't know what I'll do if I gain weight this month, probably cry since I am already so stressed out. Maybe I'm losing inches. I guess only time will tell. I hear stress effects us more now that we are post-op. Great. That's something they didn't mention in the pre-op session. I have a stressful job and I haven't been sleeping well. March 5 I cannot believe how lowsy I feel right now. I just had a EAS Simply Protein drink (35 g) and I feel lightheaded and sluggish and hot. I'm not completely dumping, but I feel yechy, like I want to lay down and take a nap. I can'd do that because as soon as I leave my day job, I have to go to my night job. Yech. I also have to go get labs done, but I sure don't want to do that while I feel lightheaded. Argh. Feb. 12 Anyone who says this is the "easy way" to lose weight should follow me around for a day. I just ate 1/2 c of greek salad and now I am having a hot flash, I'm dizzy and I want to lay down on the ground under my desk. Think anyone would notice? he he he. Luckily my partner at work is supportive and understanding. I cannot for the life of me figure out what set me off, greek salad is nothing but feta, lettuce, onion(which I picked most of out) and a few olives. I ate mostly the cheese, covered of course in the oil/vinegar dressing. I drank a lot of water before I ate, so I wouldn't eat much and now I feel like crap. I'm not dumping, cause that feels similar to this, but not quite the same. Dumping for me is much worse. Feb. 10 I can't hear "looking good, Jen" enough these days! I love getting messages like this in my intraoffice cue-- Miss Skinny Minnie! New clothes? You look great! :-) I love the fact that my Brand NEW 20s are now TOO BIG!!!!!!!!!!!! despite the fact that this is the first time I've worn them. I love feeling my collar bone, my hips, my elbows! I love that I don't want to hide anymore when someone breaks out a camera! Feb. 1 The shuttle has exploded. I've been going non-stop since 9:30 a.m. This is such a disaster for my community, which was built around the space industry. 9:45 a.m. I could use emotional support right now and I feel silly for asking for help. So far, so good. I've gotten a plate of cheese, some luncheon meats, two deviled eggs, a small bottle of water and two diet sodas- one with cafiene to help me go. It's going to be a long, long day. I called my Doc's patient advocate for support and she told me to walk away from the food. That's easier said than done, it's about 15 feet from my desk. I can see it out of the corner of my eye. Ugh. 8:25 p.m. update So far so good with all the food that the paper has brought in. I made some healthy choices- luncheon meat, peanuts, cheese, water. I'm still stressed so my pouch isn't happy but now with emotions running high I feel my resistance running low. The good news, they moved the darned food out of my eyesight (not because I asked them too, but thank goodness they did. It was getting harder and harder to resist the pastries.) Jan. 23 Stressful day at the paper today, one of our state senators died and I've been on the story since 6:30 a.m. Thank GOD I don't feel hungry anymore because I've been going non-stop for for the past seven hours without so much as a pee break. I did get up to get my water and I did break out an Atkins bar so at least I got a little nutrition. I remember a few months ago and by now, I'd be ready (and willing) to eat a mountain of food. I would be so hungry, or perhaps it was just the idea of not having eating, that I would end up pigging out on anything handy. Fast food was always my first choice, then ice cream, pizza or soup (creamed soup of course!) But not any more! Now, when I did finally get five minutes to go outside and eat, I grabbed my sandwich, ate the meat and cheese from inside it - threw the rest away, thank you- then ate a SF Jell-O cup. I'm satisfied and I am ready to back to work Jan. 22 I had a good doctor's appointment today: I'm down to 236 OMG!!! This is as skinny as I've ever been in my adult life!!!!! I cannot believe it. Dr. T told me not to focus on the numbers, rather focus on the way I look and feel. He said, 'too many people get focused on the numbers.' I wanted to say, 'I'm one of them!' So, for the next few days, I will try to focus on how good I look and feel and see if that works for me. SO, here goes: ~ I look good. A bit more streamlined. I'm in a 22 pant, 20-22 top and I have only one chin. I can walk in high heels without having my feet swell almost immediately. I can cross my legs. I moved the seat forward in my car. People tell me I am 'melting away' and a complete stranger today from a different department at work told me how good I was looking. ~ I feel energetic. When I get home from my 13 hour days, I no longer feel the need to collapse on the couch. In fact, last night after I got off work, I went grocery shopping at both the health food store and Publix. I then went home and did two loads of laundry, vacuumed my apartment. At the grocery store I found the yummy Detour bars. They do taste like a Snickers. Yum. What a great way to get 35g of protein. I've given up on stressing over high carbs. I figure I get between 10 and 25 on any given day and I look good, so why obsess. I did not have this surgery to go from one eating disorder (basically no control) to another (basically hyper control) Jan. 21 One of my collegues just told me I am melting away. I will never get tired of hearing that! What I need is a tape of people saying that so I can listen when I am lying in bed miserable with stomach cramps from food/vitamins/water or just breating :) I'm having some issues lately with stomach cramps and a loud gurgling that occurs in the area I think he reattached my intestine. I have an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and I plan to ask about it. I'm trying not to worry, but I am hurting with just about everything that I intake- water, vitamins, food. This morning, I about doubled over when my calcium citrate tabs hit that spot. I hope it's nothing serious. On the positive side: I went to put on my fave winter suit (Yes, we have "winter" in Florida) and I swear there was enough room for two people inside the jacket! It was wonderful. I stared at myself in the mirror and pulled at the loose fabric. I did a little pirouette and smiled the whole time. I then threw the jacket and pants onto my bed and began my search for something that fits. Oh, poor me.....HA HA HA!!!!!!!! Jan. 20 Hair loss sucks. I was ready to cry this morning as I brushed my freshly-washed hair. I tried to remind myself that it would grow back and I have a thick head of hair to start with. But that was no consolation. On the flip side, I am wearing a size 20 blouse today! It's a bit tight when I sit down, but otherwise it looks good. This weekend I realized that I am smaller now than I was in college. I noticed this on Saturday when I was headed to the theater to see Les Miserables. The dress I was planning on wearing was too big for me to wear! It was an older dress I made during my senior year of college, and I guess I missed my chance to wear it. I'm very happy! Jan. 17 I feel so out of control right now. I want to elaborate, but words are escaping me...yes, I see the irony. I took a long walk last night with a friend's dog as a way to clear my head. It felt good. I wish I enjoyed exercising more, I'm sure it would speed up my loss. Oh well. I guess I will have to take heart in the fact that, as long as I eat decent and not crap (from TB) I will eventually lose the weight. But I am still bummed. Jan. 16 Nothing I am wearing (aside from undies) fits me anymore! What a great feeling. Oh, did I have a wake up call last night. I was a bad girl and ate something I shouldn't have- nachos and a meximelt from Taco Bell...in my defense, I was trying to test my limits. Anyway, about 20-30 minutes later, I had a bad stomach ache. I called my mom and said 'the surgery is working because I feel like crap after eating something bad'. We both laughed. You see, that's why I had surgery in the first place, to make me accountable. We have to eat right or face the consequences, something we've never had to do before. I ended up getting a restless sleep because I felt so yechy and this morning I am newly resolved to be a 'good girl' and drink my water, eat/drink my protein and get this lard off of me! Jan. 15 I got my Just the Cheese snacks today that I ordered last week after support group. They are quite yummy and low carb/high protein. For more, www.specialcheese.com. I am snacking on the Herb and Garlic ones right now while my collegue eats melba toasts. Feeling pretty good today. I had one of my collegues who judged me after surgery apologize for her comments. She also was very curious about my new life, what I eat (she seemed surprise when I told her I could, if I wanted, eat anything but that I choose to make healthy choices.) I don't care if she accepts my choice or not, but at least I don't feel awkward around her anymore. I'm still having issues with soda. Somedays I can drink a soda, no problems. Other times, I get these sharp pains in the area where I believe the pouch is connected to my intestines. It is the wierdest feeling. I got sick last night, but it was my own fault. I ate a pickle with my turkey wrapped in a lettuce leaf and I guess I didn't chew the pickle enough. Next thing I know - mini-heartattack. Ouch. I finally gave up and went into the bathroom and upchucked. I felt immediately better. Oh well, lesson learned. Jan. 14 I ate a part of a sandwich today, three inches of Subway's Italian and boy was it yummy! I haven't had bread in three months and it was a nice treat to myself only now I feel a tad guilty. I want to get off my plateau and I don't know if bread is the way to get in my carbs. I;m doing great ketosis-wise, last night I was 80+ on the little pee-stick. I guess I will up my protein today to make up for the bread, but again, it was so yummy. Jan. 12 I'm sitting at work eating my lunch (string cheese which provides 24 g of protein and about 2 carbs)and pondering "poisionous people" those people who are always putting you down or picking on you or worse, telling you how you were wrong in oh-so-many ways. I work with someone like that. She's a skinny minnie, so I see her as proof that losing all my weight isn't going to "fix" my life. I will still be me when all this bulk is gone. I will need to remember that as the weight goes away. Speaking of weight, I met a woman in my mom's neighborhood who had the surgery three weeks before I did and her doc says to eat anything. She was even eating while she was in the hospital. My doc made me wait a month. It just made me more confused by this "diet" that I am on (high protein low carb) and why others going through the same program as me get to eat whatever they want and still lose weight. Is my doc right, are their docs wrong? Are there no real answers out there? It's very frustrating. On a positive note, I haven't felt ill in a while, meaning I think I am doing just great with food. Speaking of food, I had a funny incident yesterday while over visiting my mom who is about two hours away. We were having sandwiches (I had turkey meat and nothing else) when I ate a bite of pickle. I chewed and chewed then swallowed and I felt the tiny bite of pickle go all the way down my esophagus until it went into my pouch. Once there, I felt it sit for a minute but then something happened. It's hard to put on paper, but it felt like my pouch attacked the pickle. It didn't hurt, it was just really funny. My mom and I got a great laugh Jan. 8 Feelin' good and happy right now. I wore my old 26 pants to work today and every time I felt blue, I pulled the waistband to see how much I've lost. I also got compliments from the girls in the cafeteria. I went in today to order a reuben - grilled on one slice of bread (which I threw away) and told them I'd been doing Atkins (true) and they told me I look great. I agree! Jan. 7 PLATEAU This sucks. I should be happy about the total weight loss, not the fact that I only lost eight pounds last month, but the destructive thoughts keep creeping into my head. Based on their numbers, I had to lose approximately 49 percent of my total body weight. As of today, I have lost 14 percent. So, the way I see it, I've lost 28 percent of my goal....THAT'S AWESOME! I enjoyed my group session today and followed some of the wonderful advice I got from my AMOS support members. I'm a slow loser, so what. I look good, feel great and am about to munch on my first salad since surgery....yum! Jan. 6 I'm feeling better today, not so nervous about tomorrow's checkup. I am so happy I have support from my online community! Their support means the world to me. I am so pleased people are reading my journal. I remember when I began my journey three years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on. In fact, two months post op, I still read as many journals as I can. I find it's nice to see the "real" side of surgery. So far, I really feel I am doing well. One of my friends who hasn't seen me since 1 week post-op called me skinny today. My dad told me he was proud of me and I am actually considering a vacation that would require me wearing a bathing suit a good portion of the time. NONE of these were possible before surgery. So, I've decided it's time to do a list: How surgery has affected me so far: *My knees don't hurt *I found my collarbone *I am down three sizes *I can cross my legs *I moved my seat closer to the steering wheel :) *I can walk to my car in the parking lot without getting tired *I don't feel tight in my skin *I can drink soda again (slowly) Jan. 5 I posted this on the message board: I am turning to you in a moment of weakness and hope you can help brighten my spirits. I had a lap RnY on 11/12/02 and I go this Tuesday for my 8 week follow up. I'm down about 42 pounds and I normally am happy with that loss, but I am lumped in with a group of women (most of them very nice) who had their surgeries the same week as me and I know they are losing faster than I am. One girl at our 1 month follow up had lost 53 pounds and made a comment about another girl who cheated in the first month and was "only down 30 pounds." Meanwhile, that was "all" I'd lost too. That's why I don't want to go. I've read the posts and know the catch phrases, but right now this isn't helping. I am depressed and scared to even go to the doctor. I don't understand why I keep comparing myself to anyone else. I know I should be happy. I've never in my life lost 40+ pounds in two months and this time I know I will keep the weight off. I feel thinner, I am wearing a 22 down from a 28 (32 on the day I left the hosptial because of the swelling :$) Has anyone else gone through this? How can I calm myself down and relax? I got several great responses and sent this out as a thanks. Thank you so much for your support. I know I will get there some day, but today I feel like I tripped over the hurdle and fell flat on my face. I guess I needed my AMOS team members to pick me up and push me on my merry way. I'm so happy I have this team! Jan. 2 HAPPY NEW YEAR! Here's to a new me in 2003. Hair loss has started, slowly, but it has started! This sucks. I really hoped I wouldn't see any loss. I try to get in enough protein, but you know, I guess I don't. I haven't been eating much lately (practically nothing, come to think of it.) Ugh. I guess I will need to do a better job of drinking protein shakes and eating protein-rich foods. Dec. 29 I cannot believe I am writing this, but I have no desire to eat right now. I know I have to get protein in and fuel my body, but I really don't want to eat anything. It is so odd. I feel so good. I actually feel "thin" compared to the big ole blimp I used to be. I am wearing 22 jeans and could probably squeeze my butt into a 20 if I wanted to! I look at photos of myself and still see major weight that needs to be lost, but I am trying to be patient. Well, it's been six weeks and I finally found a protein bar that doesn't taste like a protein bar. This eating protein as a supliment is getting quite old, but I love the way I look (size 22s are getting loose, folks) so I try hard every day to suck down the required 20-35 g either in shakes or bars. I prefer bars, because it makes me feel like I am actually eating real food. I've managed to find a few good protein shakes and spend about $10-15 per week on them. On the surface it seems a lot, but we ordered Chinese food the other day at work and my $1.75 for soup lasted me two days, so the way I figure it, I'm transferring my eating out money to protein shake money. I'm also amazed at all the WLS people who DON'T have to watch their carbs and yet are losing weight. My surgeon says 15 g of carbs or less per day which is very, very hard. I miss carbs. Dec. 26 Update on the scary pains, it turns out they were from too much acid in my stomach. Doc. T put me on Aciphex and I am happy to report, I have not had the problem in two days. Hopefully I won't have to be on meds for a long time, but I don't want the pain back. Christmas was wonderful. . Back in July when I took my mom to group as a way of saying, "hey, this is what I want to do" she was extremely worried about holidays. I cannot remember a holiday or family get-together where at least half the day wasn't spent in the kitchen cooking. This year was no exception, only we ate a lot of protein-rich foods. With my family's support, we had crab dip, salmon dip, the faked potatoes, Chilean Sea Bass, Scallops (both done on the grill in true Florida style!) the cream-cheese cupcakes, scrambled eggs for breakfast and bacon (I had half a piece and didn't enjoy it!) I didn't overeat and I felt so satisfied! The only thing I "missed" was the cocktails my brother mixed, but I solved that by dipping my finger in and touching my tastebuds, so I got to experience the flavor without the booze, calories or carbs! To top it all off, I stepped on the scale this morning and I am down to 245 (from 285!) So while my co-workers are whining about their over indulgences and how much weight they've gained, I can relish in the fact that I am in my "skinny" jeans (size 22 down from a 26/28) and looking great! My only complaint, my acne has flared up...I plan to see a dermatologist as soon as I can get an appointment. Dec. 23 Scary night last night. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. with the most excruciating pain in my stomach. I sat on the edge of the bed holding my tummy and wondering what the heck was going on. The pain lasted for more than 30 minutes before I was able to lay down again and sleep for an hour. Now, this morning, I am feeling puky. I took some Tylenol for my headache and the pills came right back up. It was quite embarrassing, I almost lost it at my desk.... I called the doc's office first thing and they have perscribed something for the acid in my tummy. The doc thinks I am producing too much acid. But why would that cause these horrible pains? I hope that is really all it is. i begin taking the pills tonight. On a more positive note, I survived my first holiday party, no problems! I made my way to the buffet table, confident in my abilities to make the right choices. I bypassed (pun intended) all the deserts, chocolates, finger foods and instead took lots of cheese, a few dips and a piece of turkey. I ended up tossing the turkey and the dips when I got full! I also offered to be the designated driver for my friends, so I didn't miss drinking! I am proud of me! Dec. 19 Just got back from the doc and everything is going well. Weight loss is slow, but I've been eating food (as opposed to my liquid diet) so I guess this is normal. I feel pretty good and today I got into a size 22 pants, down from a 28, so that feels wonderful! I am trying to keep that feeling because there are pasteries and cookies everywhere in my office right now....today is apparently the "desert" day for the place I work. I'm doing fine with it, so far. I ate some protein bar and just had 3 oz of tuna salad so I am stuffed! Boy, I cannot believe that filled me up. Dec. 18 I'm surviving my first week back at work, but having a hard time getting in all my exercise. I've been walking a lot during the day, but I work two jobs and by the time I get home at 7:30 p.m. (after leaving for work at 6:45 a.m.) , I am exhausted and/or don't want to do anything, let alone walk. I hope I can change this defeatist attitude, because I know it is not good for me. I hate when I feel lousy and right now, I am beating myself up over this! I feel pretty good, energy is about a 7 but I am on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I look better, but sometimes I cannot see beyond what I look like today. I wanted to be one of those women who dropped relatively fast, and I feel like I am not dropping fast enough. It's kind of a catch-22, if you ask me. Dec. 15 I'm back at work. I've gotten a few compliments but mostly people are welcoming me back. My first challenge arose when I suddenly had to go to the bathroom and you post-ops will know, when you gotta go, you gotta go. The problem is, my boss was standing at my computer, working on some software. I was a bit embarrassed, but would have been more so if I'd had an accident. Challenge number 2, one of my collegues is selling cookies (home-baked, I might add) for charity and she set them up right behind my desk. I want a cookie...darn head hunger. So far, so good. I'm chugging a protein drink right now instead. Dec. 13 I am having a hard time lately, and I am beginning to wonder why I did this to myself? I know this is a natural progression and I have nothing to worry about, but still. I'm down 30, but one of the girls I had surgery with is down 53, so I immediately wonder, what did I do wrong. I know what I did, or more importantly, what I didn't do...perhaps I didn't get enough protein or get all my walks in. I feel like I've been quite lazy since mom left, partially out of soreness and partially out of loneliness. I'm very alone right now, or so I feel. I'm on soft solids right now...a lot of fish, cheese, eggs and soft veggies. It's nice being able to go to a restaraunt and order food, it makes me feel normal again. Sadly, I knocked myself out of ketosis yesterday and I spent today working hard to get back in. It sucks to think I've gone and blown it. My family is so proud of me. My dad calls me brave, my mom tells me this is going to be fine and my brother says it will all be worth it in the end. I hope so, as I said in the beginning, I am having a very low day today. Nov. 28 Thanksgiving Day. I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I cannot have turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes or any of the traditional TD foods. Nope. My dinner? A protein drink. Yum. OK, I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. I am officially down 22 pounds since surgery two weeks ago. I have also lost 16 inches (from various locations such as my face, arms, belly, hips, chest etc.) That's good, right? I am on week three of the all liquid diet and it is getting harder and harder to be around food. I feel such strong head hunger that it is almost comical. I want to eat everything I see, although the idea of actually doing so makes me a bit sick to my pouch (ha ha.) Speaking of the pouch, I am very gassy when I drink anything. If I drink too fast, I get these intense chest pains. They only last a few minutes, but they are really scary. My doc says they should go away with time. I am doing great, really. I drink about 100 oz of fluids a day, get 70 grams of protein minimum and I am walking two miles every day. I can sleep on my sides, and on my tummy for a short period of time. I am still carrying some stitches...I got half taken out yesterday, the other half will come out on Tuesday. My energy is very low, though. I feel about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I got my doc to allow me to return to work on Dec. 15, thats five days after I get to start eating food again. I am hesitant to go back to work because my company doesn't give a crap about me and I wish I could start a new life to go with my new life. I am working on it, though. I applied for a job in Germany, something I would not have done pre-surgery. Well, I am going to go job hunt while I wait for my friends and family to finish their dinner. I think I'll get my protein drink. Nov. 23 Eleven days post-op and I feel wonderful. I'm down about 20 pounds. I have energy, although I still hate getting in my exercise. I guess I'll have to keep forcing myself! My issues now have moved away from aches and pains to issues with food, liquid and protein. I'll explain more later. I'm able to sleep on my side and, for a brief period of time, on my right side. It is soooooooo nice to be off my back, because I am still sore and get backaches very easily. I have a lot of gas, and burp pretty much all the time. My internal systems have returned to normal and I have no trouble "going" every day. My issues with food are: I WANT TO EAT. Ironically, I am not hungry, it's just that I am sick of the all-liquid diet my doc has me on. Also, I am having big-time issues with head hunger. I'm even dreaming about food. It's tough right now, because I am trying to return to a normal life. In fact, as I write this I am in hiding because I am over at a friends birthday barbeque and they are knoshing on steak, chicken, sausages, salad, corn and soon birthday cake. I ended up having to leave the room. I want to spend time with my friends, and they understand that I can take only so much. Still, this is a SMALL price to pay for that big weight loss. I've never lost 20 pounds so quickly. And the best part? It's gone for good!!!!!!!!! I am so happy I did this. It is big step and definately not the easy way out. There's nothing easy about this! But For me, this was a wonderful choice! Nov. 17 SIX DAYS POST-Op and growing stronger every day! I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, but I feel happy and healthy. I'm never hungry, which I find quite amusing but a pain at the same time, because my brain seems to think it's hungry and is very susceptable to suggestions--such as, a character in a movie I was watching ordered a hamburger, suddenly I wanted a hamburger more than anything in the world. Very, very odd. I've had some fun with my mind-hunger, teasing my mom and friends. I know when I was a pre-op (was it only one week ago?) that I read anyone's journal who told me what I could expect at the hospital. So, I thought I'd share my experience: Got to Holmes Regional Medical Center at 5:30 a.m. and sat around for 30 minutes. Finally called upstairs and into the pre-surgery room. My nerves kicked in. Getting undressed and into the hospital gown was hard. A nurse comes in, takes vitals, another nurse comes in and asks a ton of questions starting with what type of surgery are you having? They were verifying my paperwork, but I thought in my head, "can I get a boob-job instead?" A few minutes later and in comes the anastheisiologist (I spelled it wrong, sorry) He starts the IV and not two minutes later in walks the surgical nurse. We talk about what I can expect and "L's" death the week before. Then she goes, they give me good drugs and I am off to loo loo-ville. Question, why is it when you are loopy is when they try to carry on a serious conversation? I had a hard time seeing straight let alone talking to anyone. OK, maybe 10 minutes later it is last kisses from my mom and into surgical room 3 where there are nurses and a doctor hard at work readying everything for me. I hear odd noises, clanking really, and they ask me to slide onto this teeny table. It's funny now, but I remember briefly thinking they will have to go on the other side to keep me from sliding from the gurney, accross the table and onto the floor. They manage to get me on and then they strap me down. The next anasthesia guy comes over, hooks me to a bazillion wires, give me more drugs, oxygen and tells me they won't knock me out until Dr. T is in the hospital. (It's about 7:15 a.m. and I remember thinking, man, I hope he got a good night sleep and stopped for coffee on the way in.) Suddenly the phone rings and a nurse says 'he's in the building." The guy with the drugs says "goodnight," and that's it. Warm fuzzy takes over and the next memory I have is in recovery when they pulled the NG tube out of my nose.....OUCH. I remember I couldn't form sentences let alone words yet so I grunted my disapproval at them. Suddenly I'm being wheeled into a room. It's six hours later, my mom says, and she kisses me on the head. I feel woozy and someone brings a cool cloth for my head. I remember trying to get my mom to change the calendar on the wall because it said Nov. 8. I don't remember much beyond that. A few hours later, I'm very sore. They started my morphine pump and were insistant I use it. (no problem, I hit that thing every six minutes) I was hurting and wanted to sit so they brought in a recliner. Getting in was fun, I was hooked to the IV, a catheter, oxygen by nasal cannula and a heart monitor. Every time I moved, the heart monitor disconnected. They finally managed to get me into the recliner and I promptly fell asleep. Then the nausea kicked in. It was awful, and very scary. At one point when I was sick, my surgeon walked in. I was scared, cranky and throwing up....what a wonderful time for a visit. He was nice and perscribed something to help. After a few hours I felt better and by midnight I was walking, very, very slowly. Wednesday was a painful day because I got bad gas and my back hurt. I had to be patient, because I couldn't force the gas out so It was a long, long day. Dr. T came and said I was a model patient and he was very pleased. He took off the heart monitor and the catheter, so I was able to move about more. I walked 10 times throughout the day and found myself getting stronger every day. I also met all the bariatric patients who were there. I took a shower and it never felt better! Thursday, Dr. T discontinued the IV and I ate my first "food" chicken broth, Jell-o and a popsicle. I was scared, but followed Dr. T's rules to the measure of the law -- 90cc's of liquid every hour, no more. It was hard to slow down because the food felt so nice on my sore throat, but I was scared of filling up to fast. I am walking better and made it around 10 times. Friday was great because I got to go home. I felt so good, that I went to Wal-Mart afterwords and rode around on one of those electronic carts. It was nice being free. I'm on 64 oz of fluid post-op and finding challenging way to get all that liquid in is hard. I have to walk at leas t20 minutes, 2x per day. So, here I am on Sunday and I am taking my mom and best friend to the ballet. I am a bit concerned about sitting for so long, but I will remember to do my leg circulation exercises. I walked around for an hour today so I got in my exercise. I feel good, although I am tired and a bit light-headed. Thank you everyone for your support. your help and understanding means so much! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* P O S T O P ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Nov. 10 My arm is so bruised where the phlebotemist took blood for my pre-op testing. I cannot believe how bad it is. I'm in the final stretch. I ate my "last meal" today: My doc has me on an all-liquid diet the day before surgery. My bag is packed and I am ready to go. Tomorrow I drink the mag-citrate and finalize my apartment and the remainder of my affairs. Tonight is my last night of work for a long time. I feel kind of wierd. I thought I'd be OK with not going to work for a while, but I feel kind of odd. I worry that I'll lose my standings here, but hey, as a skinny girl, I will be more adpt to leave here for bigger-better things! This is my last posting for a while. I don't have a personal computer, so I guess I'll see you on the other side!!!!!!! Nov. 8 Pre-op testing today. The blood work was the worst. I had a HORRIBLE phlebotemist who didn't listen to me when I told him where my vein was. He stuck me and then proceeded to dig around until he found a vein. Excuse me, but I have donated over two gallons of blood, plus plasm so I know where the heck my veins are. Oh, he made me mad. After the blood it was time for an EKG (no prob) and then the dreaded Arterial Blood Gas. Believe it or not, that was virtually painless. I had no major issues and was surprised when she said, OK, we're done. I met with the anasthesiologist, who said all my labs and PFT look great so I should have no problems. He said I'm going to fly through this and I am now good-to-go for surgery. 10 a.m. Nov. 12. I am sooooo excited, even though my arm hurts from the damn bloodwork (again, not the ABG) Nov. 7 One of my co-workers made an odd comment about L's death that makes me think she'll be mean to me when she finds out about my own surgery. OK, that reads even more petty than it sounds, but I don't like it when people are overtly critical about me. I wish people would understand that this is not a type of plastic surgery like getting a nose job simply because I want to look better. Ok, aesthetics are a big part of it -- yes, I want to be thin -- but I also want to live a long, healthy life and I honestly believe this is my only way. I was watching TV last night and saw Barbara Walters interview Sharon Osbourne. Apparently she had a lap band proceedure in 99. She made an interesting comment - people accept drug addicts more readily than they do fat people. That stuck with me. I'm becoming more aware of who has had this surgery. I saw over the weekend that Roseanne had it, but only lost about 75 pounds because she doesn't follow the program. Proof postive that this surgery is only a tool and requires hard work on the part of the patient. I will need to remember that when I am a post-op. Speaking of becoming a post-op, it's only six days away now. I have two more work days and then I am out. I cannot believe it. I am having a hard time sleeping right now thinking about it. Nov. 5 I've gotten a little more calm about L's death yesterday. I know that I need to stick to the program (vitamins, protein, no junk food and lots of water) to live and I plan to use her death as a reminder to be honest and true to my new life. I cannot imagine dying, but if I don't have surgery, I surely will die. Maybe not in a year and a half, but sooner than I should. Life is going well. I'm in the home stretch- seven days and counting. I've bought some more protein and tried the Met-RX shakes. They are good, the chocolate chai is my favorite by far. I'm on the no-carbs thing, which is really tough, especially tonight. I am at work for an overnight shift and they brought in food - sandwiches from the gourmet deli and pizza. I did well on the pizza (I only ate the cheese) but I must admit I did have half a sandwich. It was hard because I wasn't prepared and the one sandwich I could have picked the meat off of had dijon mayo/mustard on it and I cannot stand the daste of dijon. Oh well. I'm human, right? Nov. 4 I just found out that one of my collegues, one who had the same surgery by the same surgeon, has died. She had the surgery 1 1/2 years ago and everyone who knows her tells me she wasn't following the plan. I'm very , very nervous and upset by this news. I don't know what to do. Do I change my mind? Do I go ahead? Apparently she was worse off health-wise than I am, and she was larger than I am and didn't do what was expected of her. I know that I will follow the plan and I will take my vitamins and I will be a good girl. But I am petrified right now. Nov. 3 My cupboard and fridge are cleared out and fully stocked with protein drinks, liquid protein and Jell-O. I've bought food for the weeklong protein-first liver reduction diet my surgeon perscribed and I am ready to go! I cannot believe its almost my time. Either the next week will fly by or it will drag....I'm banking on it flying by because I have a bizarre work schedule that will take me right into Monday, Nov. 11 - one day before surgery. I've decided to write notes to my loved ones and give them to a trusty friend in case anything happens. I am not trying to be paranoid or mental, but I'd rather be prepared. Writing the notes hasn't been hard, I've never been one to leave anything left unsaid and I think that works for me. I never end a phone call with out an I love you and I always tell my family how I feel. There are no surprises with me. I'm making plans for post-surgery, which is kind of exciting. I've planned a trip to the mall, a trip to walk the beach (only five miles from my house) and rented or borrowed lots and lots of DVDs. I am working to get my house in order --a challenge because no sooner do I get it clean before I've messed it up again. All-in-all, I am ready. Now, if only the next week will fly. 10/31 My last Halloween as a fat girl! I've taken a photo to commemorate the event. I will try to get it posted soon. 10/30 I just had my initial phone consult with the hospital. They say my surgery is scheduled for 9:30 a.m., but the doc's office says 7:30...so I don't really know who to believe. Anyway, the nurse at Holmes was very nice, asked me lots of questions and gave me a bit more info on what to expect when I am there. It made me feel better, but I am still feeling a ton of emotions right now including excitement, fear and anticipation. Argh, how am I ever going to get through the next two weeks? I bought more protein powders and pre-made shakes yesterday in anticipation of surgery. I bought (and actually like) the EAS Simply Protein, 40g protein in 6 - 8 oz, depending how much water you ad. It's nice. I made it last night and brought it for breakfast this morning - a hint at life to come? :) I also bought a few more Atkins pre-made and another Worldwide Protein drink. That last one is very sweet and will kind of be like desert for me, I think. I cleaned out my guest room closet and plan this weekend to organize the clothes. I haven't been sleeping well, a combo of nerves and a wierd work schedule, so I don't have any excuse why I couldn't get this task done. I guess the next time I am up late I will turn off Letterman and go into the guest room instead. I plan on taking measurements this weekend and will start my chart. Believe it or not, I am excited to finally be able to write down the numbers and I won't cringe when I see in writing how fat I truly am because it won't be me much longer! Yeah! 10/29 I am anxious, but excited. I still have a lot of work to do to get everything in order. I have to clean, organize my clothes from my largest sizes to all the smaller (22s, 20s, 18s) that I've kept through my ups and downs, clean out my fridge and eat nothing but protein for the next week starting Sunday. I was given a chance to move up early, but couldn't make it because my mom couldn't be there to take care of me. I wish it had happened early, but it wasn't meant to be. 10/28 I had my first dream about surgery. I've never dreamed myself thin, never imagined what I'd look like without the extra 140 pounds on my frame. But last night, I dreamed about surgery itself. I didn't seem nervous or anxious, but relaxed and calm. I guess I'll need to start dreaming of myself as a thin woman. Can I dare to dream of a petite Jen? My friend Christine has surgery tomorrow, so I called her tonight. She's all excited and nervious and I am so happy for her. I anxiously await until my turn! 10/27 I made a huge shopping trip today and bought my 'liquid diet' for post-op. My doc has a strictly clear-liquid diet for the first month post-op...that includes no protein drinks for the first week, unless of course they are clear liquid. Tomorrow, I plan to go over to the health food store and buy some Isopure clear protein 40g no carbs....I hear that the more protein you eat, the better it is on your hair. So, what exactly will I be eating? chicken broth, beef broth, vegetable broth, sugar free Jell-o, diet sodas (no caffene) Crystal Light, diet Kool-aid, and sugar-free Tang. Yum yum. But hey, if it means 20-40 pounds gone in a month, I will be sooooooooo thrilled to eat nothing. My best bud Z brought over some slippers for me to wear while I am in the hosptial. She's such a good pal. I am upset with my family. They went out and had what sounded like a heckuva celebration without me. They were celebrating my mom's birthday and apparently didn't realized I was working the night shift on Sunday, meaning I could have gone out with them. TO make matters worse, they called me from the restaraunt and rubbed it in that they were having a good time. I yelled at my mom and then, after I hung up, I realized that this would have been my last opportunity to have a celebration like that with my family. You know that old addage, if I knew this was the last time I was going to do something, I'd have had a better time? I feel like that right now. I am going to miss the giant celebrations my family had that surrounded food and eating. I guess I am in mourning or something because I feel like I could cry because I didn't get to go out with them. One week left of real food, then one week of pure protein and then SURGERY!!!!! That's right, two weeks left until I am reborn. I cannot wait...... 10/24 I've bought a few ready-made protein drinks to try: Worldwide Ultra Pure Protein in Cappuccino (yum) Atkins in Chocolate Royale (yum) and Isopure protein, a clear drink that I can drink during the first month of clear liquids only, blue raspbery has a funny smell, but is ok, I guess. I will buy more and drink them during that all-so-important first month, because I heard lots of protein will help prevent or minimalize hair loss. I told my boss yesterday about my surgery. I'm not sure if I made a mistake or not, but I did it. She was a bit odd about it at first, but then when she saw I was comfortable with the idea and actually excited, she was cool with it. She still wants to know how soon I'll be back--I am hoping three weeks is all I'll need, but I will NOT rush. 10/22 Three weeks and counting. Three weeks to a new me! I feel so stuck right now, stuck in my body, stuck in my life, stuck in my job. I'm having one of those days where I can do nothing right and it sucks. On days like these I become quite neurotic and self-defeating. I start to really pick on myself and I begin to let all those self-doubts surface. I feel like I cannot leave my situation until after surgery, so right now all I am doing is coasting until the next three weeks pass. Honestly, three weeks isn't all that long, is it? Not considering I've wanted this surgery for more than three years! 10/21 Sorry it's been so long since updates but I was out of town for the weekend at a work-related conference, which I paid for myself, I might add. I had a great time, learned some interesting things, got some new ideas and made life-long friends with a couple of my collegues. I also ate some of the most yummy food I've had in a while (and enjoyed EVERY minute of it) A few key notes from my weekend: --I told another one of my friends about my upcoming surgery and she was understanding and has now taken to calling me "skinny girl" --I laughed so hard I wet my pants (I hate being so fat that I am now a bit incontinent) Normally this would have devistated me, but I kept thinking, this won't happen anymore when I have lost weight. --I realized that, while one of my friends thinks she's being understanding, she gets on my nerves when she keeps asking me am I ok. Just because I get a bit winded and I say my back is spasming because we just hoofed-it several blocks, does not mean I am not capable of doing it. I just thank god that I am soon going to be physically fit enought to not get so damn tired all the time. I am huge right now, or is it that I am finally allowing myself to accept that I am really, really fat? (Sorry to be so negative, but this is my way of recording these thoughts so that one year, 10 years from now I will remember how I was feeling) I am not super-morbidly obese, (yet) but I sure am close. My stomach skin is very tight when I sit down and I am unable to reach very far. There are personal hygene issues that I am now dealing with (Yuck) and I am snoring a lot because I am suffocating under my own weight. I cannot get comfortable. Every day, I remind myself that I will soon be on the road to being a big loser and I take comfort in that notion. My trip was quite enjoyable and like I said, I bonded with my friends. We had some very interesting conversations and I will treasure their friendships forever. 10/15 I just had McDonalds for lunch - my last McDonalds meal I will eat for a long time!Not that it's a big loss, I might add. I'm beat, having worked the night shift for two nights and then in to the dayshift this morning. I'm curious if I will be less exhausted when I am thinner. 10/14 My 26s don't fit and I feel fat and ugly and glutenous. Its a yechy day and as I was walking to my car on my way to work, I thought 'In one month I will be in surgery.' It's a comforting thought, but at the same time, I feel gross and ugly and humungous and uncomfortable. 10/13 I had a nice weekend in Ft. Lauderdale and West Palm Beach. My friend and I went to several malls looking for button-front pjs (a requirement by my surgeon in the hospital) and I had a hard time finding them. It makes me so angry that all the major department stores: Macy's, Dillards, Belk, Sears, JCPenny assume that if you are fat, you have NO taste what-so-ever. All the jammies I found were old-lady style crap in florally patterns. Stuff I would buy for my grandmother, were she still alive. As the day went on, I got angrier and angrier. It makes me furious that they relegate the fat clothes to the BACK of the store. More people look like me then are skinny in this world, yet we get about 2 percent of the floor space. What are they afraid of? So, as my pal and I wandered through these stores I got madder and madder. Then it hit me. In a month, I will NOT Have to go through this again. In a few short months, I will be in a regular size and one of the "normal" people according to the department store. It was fun to think like that. My doc has a clothing exchange so I hope I don't have to buy any clothes while I am shrinking. So, with that in mind I bid farewell to Lane Bryant and August Max Woman....I said see ya to Claiboure an adeau to Catherines. I say hello to Lillian Rubin and Express. I say hello to Victoria's Secret and Fredericks. How exciting is this?!!!! I also had a sad thought. I wish my grandmother, who was like my second mom and my confidant, I wish she had lived to see me thin. 10/12 Class was interesting and I got a lot of good information. I also got a shopping list of things I need to buy: B12 sublingual (apparently we cannot digest B12 from food post-surgery) Flintstones vitamins with iron (for two months, then we get grownup vitamins) Ketone sticks (to monitor our ketones....) Tums (for calcium, with a side-benefit of helping with gas and acid tummy) button-front PJs. (I'm not sure the logic behind these) We talked about protein drinks and I managed to convince my extremely unhealthaly think friend Kevin to try the drinks with me. Mine are the lo-carb drinks, his are the body-builder ones. We'll then compare notes. I hope he follows up on it. Other things I learned at class: no abdominal exercises for one year post surgery no weighing in for two weeks post surgery beer is not a clear liquid (funny, huh?) after two or three weeks I will really want to chew vitamins=life hold your tummy when you cough (and coughing is good) the Heparin will cause bruises to my stomach My mom is so sweet. She wants to be there during surgery, which I said was silly, since I will be in the OR for hours and then probably be moody and cranky when I am done. Don't get me wrong...I REALLY want her there, but that's selfish of me. I told her to not worry about coming out immediately, because I am going to need her when I am finally sent home. She's planning to stay with me for about 2 weeks. I am happy I'll have someone to help me and hope everything goes well. 10/9 I am approved. It's a go, a yes. This is the day that will change my life forever. Nothing will ever be the same. I am a mix of emotions ranging from fear to excitement. I cannot wait to make this happen yet at the same time, I will never be the same, and I guess I am a bit saddened by that news. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT changing my mind. I just think I am going into a slight mourning phase a bit early. I have education class tomorrow and I don't exactly know what to expect. This is the last step required (aside from pre-op medical testing) and my family is anxiously awaiting the news of what they can expect. My mom stepped up and said she insists on being their on the day of surgery - a relief for me, but at the same time, I don't want her sitting around all worried while I am snoozing away. I told her to wait until we knew more on Thursday night. Another thing, once I go through class, there is a chance I could have surgery early. I'd like that to happen, if possible. I'd really like to have dropped about 30-40 pounds by the time I go back to work....we'll see. For now, I want to stay happy by the fact that I got approved. 10/8 OK, I'm ready to begin researching other doctors. This is crazy. I cannot believe I've heard nothing. I want this soooooo much and it seems to be slipping out of my grasp. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't happen. I'm tired of being fat and unhappy. Tired of being the fat one in my department and tired of being the fat friend. I'm ready to give up. I spoke too soon. At 4:30 p.m. my nurse case manager from Empire BC/BS Called and said (insert heralding trumpets here) that I've BEEN APPROVED!!!!!!!! Yippie, I am soooooooo excited. I screamed in the poor woman's ear and then started to cry. I cannot believe that hurdle is over with. Now I am able to be really nervous about the surgery itsself. 10/7 This is ludicrous. I just called my insurance company again and they said they hadn't received anything from my surgeons office. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH What the heck is going on? 10/3 UPDATE: OK, the excuse given to me by the patient advocate Lisa is that the doctor's office doesn't typically send out information to the insurance company for six to eight weeks before surgery. Sounds sneaky to me. OK, lets go to the calendar, shall we? If I went to the surgeon and got my appointment on Sept. 6 that would be week one, right? So, by that calculation I would have 10 weeks before surgery. Why then would the insurance person Margaret say that everything should be ok and on 9/10 tell me that my PCP has forwarded all my medical records and we should hear something in a week. I feel like I've been given false hope. I told Lisa that I felt like I fell between the cracks. When she got a bit terse with me, she said they had all the October patients ahead of me. I wonder if they are taking on more patients than they can keep track of? I responded to her by saying that I understood they were busy and if they wanted me to take charge of getting approval, I would, after all - it is not my nature to let other people do all this for me. I am way to much of a control freak for this. Anyway, because I got the contact name and number at my insurance company, Margaret faxed the info over so I guess we'll see what happens. I keep thinking back to what it was like in that exam room when Dr. T told me I needed to work hard to make this happen. HA, I think I am working pretty hard, thank you very much. I just got my appointment for the pre-op education class. Oct. 10 is the day. The class comes with a $400 bill, which I knew about, so I am not surprised, but I have a hard time thnking about that bill considering what happened yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I am paying it because without the class, no surgery. Despite all this, I am STILL very excited about my upcoming date. 10/2 Still nothing. Last night I got a call on my cell phone and my heart lept to my throat because I thought it might be the doctor's office saying they'd heard one way or another. I'd like to know whether or not I am approved. If it's no, at least I can figure a way to move on. This not knowing is driving me insane. It's 6 weeks until my date and I know I have a lot to do before then....but I cannot begin any of it until I have a yeah or nea from the insurance company. Boy, this is depressing. 2:20 p.m. I will not panic, I will not panic, I will not panic. I just called pre-certification at my insurance co and the very nice lady said they didn't have any information on my case. It' sbeen almost a month since I went to my surgeon and three weeks since they should have mailed off the packet. OK, I will not panic prematurely. 2:30 p.m. Now I am panicking. Chris in Customer Service at my insurance Co says they have nothing on my request. I'm on the phone now with the surgeon's office. GEEZ, the insurance person at the surgeon's office said her ONLY contact with the insurance company has been through ONE email. I gave her the fax number to send over the information and told her I feel like we wasted an entire month. This is so infuriating. She made it seem like approval is almost automatic. I'm quite upset right now. I asked her to fax over the info and then get back to me TODAY with what she has done. I also asked her, 'do I need to take charge of this, because it goes against my nature to rely on someone else." She said this isn't her first time. So Do I let go???????????????? 10/1 I've started the Adkins plan in hopes of losing a little weight before surgery. I also think the high protein-low carb plan (I will NOT call it a diet) is good practice for my "new" life. I plan to do this for three weeks, take a weekend off and check in with my primary care physician to make sure everything is ok, and then pick it back up for the final three weeks before surgery. If I have surgery that is. I STILL havent heard squat from the insurance company and quite frankly, I don't view this as a good sign. I've been reading all these online journals of people that were approved quickly. Why them and not me, too? I wonder if I haven't been approved yet because I am so technically healthy, if so, that's not fair. There's nothing healthy about me. I cannot sleep the entire night through, I am exhausted all the time, my joints ache under my weight, I am out of breath, my blood pressure is messed up...shall I go on? It seems a bit obvious that there is a problem. Ok, I'm gonna go cry now. This is depressing. 9/30 Nope, still haven't heard. Argh. My brother was out this weekend with his girlfriend, his roommate and her boyfriend. They were wonderful and we had a nice time. They are all so excited for me and my brother - bless him - says this is going to happen. He kept making cute comments like when his girlfriend said I was soft and squishy, he said 'you'd better get used to it now, she's gonna be skin and bones soon.' I told him that I know he worries about me and that he worries I'll die young. I told him I intend to live a long and healthy life so we can be old together. Now, if only the insurance company would cooperate. Oh, on a funny note, I got a claim yesterday that says the insurance co. payed all but .55 of my bloodwork.....funny, huh? Do I really have to spend .37 in stamps for a .55 bill? 9/29 Still no word. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's getting hard. I am so tired all the time and uncomfortable in my skin. I feel prematurely old. 9/26 I am SO angry at my insurance company right now. It's been weeks since my surgeon's office sent off the packet and I haven't heard a darn thing. Then to add insult to injury, I got a letter yesterday saying they won't pay for my visit to my general practitioner because weight-loss related issues are NOT covered. So, what do I do? I have a bad feeling about all this. I will literally die if I don't have surgery. To top it all off, I am having a crummy day. I feel like I am so overwhelmed right now it isn't funny. I'm smothering under bills, pressure and my own body fat. 9/25 I think I have sleep apnea. I cannot remember the last time I slept the whole night. Last night I woke up about every two hours. I hate this. 9/24 Today's message: Things I WILL do when I am thin(ner) * skydive * take up a sport and see if I really am an athletic person trapped in a fat girl's body * buy at least one hoochie mamma outfit and wear it in public * get some professional photographs taken (nothing dirty, mind you) * go to the beach without wanting to magically beam myself from my car into the water and back again * hike in the mountains somewhere * do a charity walk, something I haven't done since college * get my belly button pierced (even if noone sees it but me) * start looking for the next step up in my career * go to a dance 9/22/2002 Yep, still waiting. Friday was my day off from work and I kept hoping I'd get a phone call. Nothing, nada, zilch. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I cannot rest easy. I sleep in fits - tossing and turning. My body aches from my own weight. My shoulders and back hurt. Sleeping isn't even restfull anymore. I hate myself. 9/15 Still waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm hoping to hear something this week RE my approval. I know I will get approved. I threw a baby shower yesterday for one of my best friends and, for the first time in a long, long time, I didn't mind being caught on video tape or in photos because I KNOW I won't look like this much longer. It's kind of a nice feeling, I must say. Another thing, I didn't feel awkward getting up and eating food in front of the people at the shower (most of whom I don't really know) because I knew that this was probably the last time for me to do something like this! It's a very odd feeling, celebrating these "lasts" is very comforting for me right now. 9/8/02 I have a surgery date!!!!!!! November 12 at 7:30 a.m. I am the first surgery of the day. Dr. T recommended me for the lap Roux-en-Y and I am thrilled. I was worried about having to take a long, long time off from work but I hear the recovery from the lap proceedure isn't that bad. I've told family and friends my date and I had to cancle a conference and give up tickets to La Boeheme that night, but I am so excited. It gives me something to look foward to, since work stinks right now. I feel like a big loser, it's about time I become one, right??!!! :) 9/3/02 It's been a long journey so far, but I am really starting to get excited. I've been to two support group meetings, met with the patient coordinator (7/31), the psychiatrist (8/21), my general practitioner (8/23), had all my lab work (8/23), my ultrasound (8/30)and go for my PFT on Friday. But the best news...my surgeon appointment is this Friday (9/6). I am thrilled. I've pulled together quite a team: my family, several close friends, my GP (who is just thrilled for me, quite proud too, I might add) my hairdresser, to help if (and when?) I lose my hair and a couple of post-ops for support. I've begun an exercise routine and am trying to remember to take my vitamins each night. I've found protein bars I like and will be testing a few protein shakes soon. I've read all the good stories, the bad stories and the postings on this website. I'm scared to death but excited at the same time. Yesterday for my job I had to go to the beach...I was embarrassed to stand there all fat and sweaty, but then I thought (this is the last time I will be at this event as a fat person.) It was quite a comforting thought. So, my GP and I talked and we decided to go with the lap. proceedure. Any advice? warnings or comments? I'll try to keep my journal updated Here's to the first step in becoming a big loser! Profile created by ~~Vickie !~~ 3/24/04 If you'd like your profile spruced up you can write to one of the fine HTML Volunteer's here at: htmlhelp@obesityhelp.com
March 28 Had a minor breakdown this afternoon after taking a shower and realizing how scarred and gross my body looks right now. I cried for about 20 minutes to my mom via cell phone and then calmed down. After a while, my boyfriend came over and we went to an arena football game...I was wearing my size 10 jeans and a tiny T that could really have been a belly shirt but because of the girdle/garment, I tucket it in. It was nice being around people who didn't know me as the fat Jen, or the Jen before plastic surgery. Anyway, on the way home Mike and I had a long talk about the cheerleader calenders they were selling at the game. I told him how I felt like why would he want to come home to me at the end of the night as scarred and Frankenstein looking as I am? I look great with my clothes on, and in fact I'm much prettier than many of those cheerleaders are. I don't mean to be vein, but I am, OK. Well, I won't go into the whole conversation, but Mike said all the right things and understands that I'm going through a strange portion of my life right now that no one or nothing could prepare me for. But he's in it with me, that's the bottom line. God, I love this man.
March 27 I'd asked Dr. Weiss's office for a refill on my pain meds. I'd even told them they can start stepping me down to something weaker...did they call in anything? NO. Ugh...Advil won't cut the burning in my abdomen, neither will ice...I need drugs. I don't mean that like an addict or something, but I can't go cold-turkey...no way, no how... UGH On the plus side, my friend Judy (who passed her GRE and is now an official grad student at the age of 60) is going with me Tuesday to my Dr. appointment and then we're hitting the outlet mall at St. Augustine. I can't wait. I love shopping with Judy! She tells the truth and won't let me buy too much boring stuff even though it looks good on TV, which is how I judge my purchases nowadays--except for my casual clothes, which I buy based on how they will make my tummy and ass look. Is that wrong???
March 26 Remember how happy I was that I was 'preapproved' by BCBS? Remember how it took me four months, many phone calls and letters? And remember how I got great prices from the doc in Jacksonville, FLA for my surgery. He quoted me $3500 for the TT. He also quoted, $3250 for the thighs...which I paid out of pocket... plus $600 for anasthesia (out of pocket)( and $561 for the hospital (yep, also out of pocket. ) No problem, I love what the thighs look like. Well, yesterday, BCBS sent me a letter for the hospital charges which they claim weren't covered: the charge for my 11 hour hospital stay and surgery $54,110 I almost had a heart attack until I remembered the letter I had and how that was GOLDEN. So, I called them first thing this morning and yelled and screamed and complained and read them their pre-approval letter back to them. I then called my doctor;s office, said you handle this and then asked for a prescription refill for pain meds! I go see him Tuesday, so I'll bring the letter, the bill and see what Dr. cutie has to say! I'll tell ya this, they aren't getting $54 dollars, let alone $54,1100 out of me. No Sir. Ugh, insurance companies SUCK. On the plus side....LOVE MY BODY!!! I'm the million dollar woman!
March 22 I feel bloated and yucky cause I got my period. Why is it after RNY that periods/cramps are SO MUCH WORSE? can someone clue me in? On a positive note, my new stuff from Victoria's Secret arrived today. I got a red bikini, a red dress, a black and white fancy tanktop with the bra built in and a cute Tie Die T shirt. They are so cute! I love shopping. Sadly, my Newport News bikini I ordered is on backorder and won't be here in time to go visit my Dad April 8-11. That's OK, guess I'll make a run to Ron Jon one night. There's an advantage to living in central Florida!
March 21 Doing OK, I guess. I had to up my pain meds cause I am still hurting. I thought I'd be over it by now. I've spent most of today in bed or on the couch..it's been nice. But i'm getting bored quick I got a couple of T shirts that I'd ordered online and both fit and look so cute. Can't wait until I can wear them out...not that Jammies are not great, but I'm getting tired of them. My stuff from Victoria's Secret came today. I ordered a red dress, a red crochet bikini, a tie die T-shirt and a sexy black and white top with the bra built in. I cannot wait to wear them all out in public. I cannot buy pants yet cause I'm still swolen, plus I want to wait until I do the protein feast during Passover!
March 21 My dad's sick. I'm scared. We haven't had the best or worst relationship.. but it's definately gotten better since surgery. He's proud of me. He cried when he saw me after a year. I am going to see him in a few weeks so he can see the results of my TT/Med. Thigh Lift. What if he's really sick? He's going to the doctor tomorrow (Tuesday) and I'm sure it's nothing but I'm still scared.
March 20 Yet another MINOR complication: swelling between crotch and three inches below both knees. The Dr.s office staff (nurse Peggy) say its the surgical fluid headed south and nothing to worry about if I take the garment off from time to time and keep my legs elevated (insert sex joke here) So, after following Dr. Cuties orders yesterday, the swelling did go down and I look semi-normal again. I did, however, find a lump in my groin which I am now convinced is fat necrosis and will need to be lopped off. But, they give you good drugs for that, so I shall be OK. i'm treating it with neosporin and keeping it clean. The incision hole is now white, which I think is a bad thing. I will call on Monday.
March 17 Happy St. Patrick's day...this should be national holiday in my opinion. I went to see Dr. Weiss yesterday and all seems to be OK, not great, after all there is a giant opening where there should be a nice closed incision. But, as long as I take it easy and keep using the anti-bacterial soap and Neosporin, he thinks I should be OK. If it opens any further, leaks any worse or the bleeding doesn't stop on it's own, then I'm in for another 'mini-surgery.' Mike was great durng the whole ordeal and held my hand and didn't lecture me about doing too much and causing this in the first place. What a sweetie. Pain is under control thanks to Lortab...muscle spasms are under control thanks to Valium. If i get behind on the Lortab, I'm dying...but only briefly. Because I had a lap RNY, this surgery was much, much worse than the first one. I didn't have the muscle aches and pains before. Plus, I'm not allowed to get out and walk much, just enough to make sure I don't get a DVT. As long as I'm open and draining, he wants me vegging out as much as possible, which is driving me insane. Worst thing that happened yesterday was on my way home from Jax I got a call from a friend in the newsroom who said my apartment complex was on fire. Sure enough, it was. I immediately got on the phone and called my cop/fire buddies (I'm so happy I'm a reporter!) and got some details, but I made Mike drive me here ASAP. We couldn;t get in to the complex via car, so we parked a long way away and I practically ran intot he complex. Mike said he wanted to tackle me to stop me, but he's too polite to do that. Luckily the fire was no where near my building, but two apartments were completely destroyed. Very sad.
March 15 I called Dr. Weiss regarding the hole...the drainage has slowed down so maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, he was in surgery all day so I didnt' hear from him yet. Tomorrow I guess. So, I've spent the entire day in bed,...sadly though, I've been eating junk food for comfort and now not only am I afraid but I feel fat and bloated. Tomorrow's another day, right? I called Mike last night after posting here and cried that I was scared, alone and in pain and asked again, why the hell did I do this to myself. He reminded me that this is such a short period of pain for a lifetime of feeling and looking good. God, I love him. We're gonna get formal portraits taken when my swelling is gone. When we do, I'll post. He's such a cutie and although he might have found me attracttive while I was in active weight loss, I would never have dated him when I was 298 chiefly because I really, really, really hated myself. I think I'm only now finally coming to terms with how much I hated myself.
March 14 This hurts, this hurts, this hurts, this hurts. I hate it...what did I do to myself? Oh yeah, size 8/10 is great! I'm a shopping fiend. I've bought so many mini-skirts and tiny T-shirts...next stop, undies and a bikini. I've split a hole in the incision near the mons pubis and right hip. I'm scared it's gonna get infected. It's already leaking fluid. I called dr. weiss and he said it was ok...nothing to worry about but still, a hole isn't good is it? I'm treating with neosporin and anti=bacterial soap and I'm working to get the fluid out. I don't want a seroma or worse, necrosis of the skin. Ugh.
March 13 10 days post op and I'm feeling pretty good. I had the drains removed on Tuesday and the two stitches and gauze removed from my belly button. I love my tiny belly button. Here's pics. The skin from my abdomen weighed 10 pounds...yech. No word on how much my thigh skin weighed. I'll post scar pics soon.
I tried on my first bikini today over the girdle...size Medium! I looked so cute! I also tried on some pants and shorts and although the 10 Dockers fit, the 10 Levis 505 didn't. I was mad. But I'm not buying clothes now anyway, I want to wait until more swelling goes down. I actually felt better today, a little more normal. The left butt cheek doesn't hurt as much as it did, so that's a good sign.
March 12 I had a scare tonight. I woke up when Mike called me and after we finished speaking, I got up to go to the bathroom-- which is still an ordeal, I might add. Anyway, when I got up, I felt this liquid run down my leg. I turned on the light, grabbed my glasses and the front of my binder was covered in orange/red liquid. I screamed for my mom and we looked at me closely. Her first question was had I peed on myself. I didnt; think I had, so we took off the binder and low and behold the scar between my mons pubis and right hip was leaking. I FREAKED! I lay down with a maxi pad on the scar and started absorbing the liquid. My mom grabbed my doctor's 'bible' of instructions and it said in cases like this, apply pressure for 20 mins and then if it doesn't stop, call the office. I held pressure, cried and waited. Nothing stopped, so I called. He called me back right away and said it was fluid that would have been sucked out by the drains that we removed that day. He said it was normal and as long as it was leaking, it was a good thing. He said cover it with a maxi pad and change the pad throughout the day. If the fluid becomes red (bloody) call. It's still leaking, but it's that orangey stuff, which is good. There's no sign of infection, which is what I was the most terrified of. Needless to say, I had a lousy night's sleep. Thank God Mike called when he did. I would have rushed to the ER if I'd been awakened int he AM soaked with bloody liquid. Yech Well, had my first post-op appt...Dr. Weiss removed ten pounds of abdomoninal skin in two huge chunks. I'll scan in the photos later (when I am not so sore) and put them up on the site. He also removed two pounds of skin from my thighs. I didn't realize it at the time, but I also got a fanny lift so I now have large incisions under each cheek. these really hurt. The stomach incision doesn't hurt as much although now the muscles underneath are starting to regrow so there's some burning involved. I've made it through the 'oh my God what the hell did I do to myself' phase...that was fun. I actually spent a few hours one night crying. I had a dream I was run over by a train and when I woke up, I realized that the pain from the dream was real and it hadn't stopped when I woke up. That's when it hit me that I spent a lot of money to be in such pain.
March 3 I'm home, I'm sore, miserable and I cannot pee. They put me on a catheter. I'm so unhappy but the Demerol is making me whoozy and I'm sleeping a lot. This hurts like hell. I've got drains on each hip, and I was bleeding a lot in the hospital, but the nurses said it was quite normal. I'm skinny, though.
Feb 29 Met with Dr. Weiss and the hospital on Friday...my big day is almost here. He concurred that the pain from the TT/thigh lift is gonna be much worse than with my lap RNY. Yech. But, the good news is he gave me serious pain meds. I'm now in the process of getting my house in order, gotta go grocery shopping today and stock up on food for me, the cat and my mother who will come to take care of me. That's the best part this time around-- I GET TO EAT! Last time, I sat there and coveted my mom's food (not that my little pouchie was in the mood for food, but head hunger is a killer!) but this time, I'm gonna eat whatever I want, within reason. I want to use this medical leave time to reset the dumpometer, which I've gotten off kilter. I'm still eating what ever I want (with the exception of doing shakes) and right now I'm eating a lot of crap == stress eating raises it's ugly head. I went shopping yesterday at Old Navy and bought some cute little sleep pants since i Found out that the binder.girdle I have to wear goes down below my knee like a crop pant. The pants are (gulp) size XS and S -- can't really wear them comfortably now cause they're too tight across the panni, but on Tuesday, they will be what I'm wearing home from the surgeon. Update on the surgery itself: No stitches on the outside, they're gonna use the glue instead at my request. With my lap RNY I had trouble with the two incisions at the front. My body decided to attack the stitches, rather than heal itself. As a result, I now have large scars that shouldn't really be there. So, Dr. Weiss said he could use the glue rather than conventional stitches and that it wouldn't pose any slowdown in recovery time. Speaking of recovery time, I'm taking 6 weeks. My mom will be here for 8 days (9 if you count the day of surgery) and she'll take me to my first post-op appointment. Mike will take me to appointment numbe r2, which is at two weeks. I also go at 3 weeks, one month, two months, three months, six months and one year. That's about the same as it was with my RNY. I think I'm physically ready: I've stocked up on maxi pads, for the groin incisions; chucks (disposable bed pads) for drainage, seepage and to just save my mom from having to change sheets daily; baby wipes, to keep groin and perenium clean as well as to take a sponge bath. I still need to fill my prescription (demerol 50 mg) and buy baby oil to help get the garment/binder on and off. I also plan to use the oil to help me get a clean shave down there...per my surgeon. He said it's easier for me if I do it, so I don't get razor burn. Makes sense, but I don't like the idea of having to do that. I also cannot shower for a week after surgery, so regrowth is gonna be itchy. Thank goodness for Demerol.
Feb. 26 I've been reading a bunch of horror stories surrounding plastic surgery and I'm getting scared. I'm stressed, which has given me a migrane, diahreah and bad gas. I actually want to hide from the world right now. Not good. I think I'm PMSing. I just found out that a friend and her husband are expecting. I'm so happy for them...they've got a great marriage and will be excellent parents. But at the same time, I feel so sorry for myself right now, when I should be feeling happy. So much is good in my life...my weight, my future flat tummy, my relationship with Mike. But at the same time, my life is in another period of upheaval, granted a good period. Still, I sometimes think I'm not capable of handling the good stuff. I totally want to hide from the world right now. I want to run away. I want to lock the door and sleep. That's not good, is it? See, no matter how much weight you lose, how normal you look, the problems you had before don't really go away.
Feb. 25 Less than a week to go and I'm petrified, not of the outcome, but of the pain and helplessness I am going to feel. I hate being a patient, I hate not being able to take care of myself. I've totally reverted to unhealthy eating habits out of stress and I worry that I'm going to gain weight. I'm eating what I want, as I have been for the past few months. I'm not trying to lose weight any more-- a weird feeling, I might add-- and I'm eating small amounts, but I need to resolve to be better...perhaps go on a protein fast for three days? OK, I'm gonna go have a shake right now.
Feb. 10 Anxeity is starting to kick in over the plastic surgery. I'm nervous mostly about the pain involved. I hate to hurt. I know the end results will be worth it, but I kind of wish it were over. Waiting stinks. I'm now teaching three nutrition classes at Curves and they want to hire me as a fitness tech. I am actually considering making fitness and nutrition a full-time career one day. I'd like to have other options, not that I don't love what I do now, but perhaps when I'm a parent I could work part-time in fitness? NO, I'm not pregnant, nor am I considering children any time soon...Mike and I have only dated four months which is WAY TOO SOON to be thinking about kids. Still, I'm not getting any younger, only thinner :)
Jan. 24 Do you ever stare at the mirror and not recognize yourself? I went through this a lot with the RNY. I changed so much so quickly that I sometimes find myself staring at the mirror and wondering who that person is staring back at me. Consciously, I know that the person is me, but it's such a different reflection. I've grown used to seeing the wrinkly sharpei creature that I've become from the waist down. But in a few weeks that creature is going to be gone. This morning I found myself staring at the mirror and wondering what will be left behind when Dr. Weiss is done? I'm not worried about looking good, I'm more worried about looking normal (whatever normal is.) I find myself looking at skinny people differently now, heck, I find myself looking at MO people differently now too. I will forever hold a secret bond with MO people, one that unless I open my mouth and tell my story, few people will ever know. But I cannot yet relate to skinny people partly because I don't feel skinny. I know the size on my clothing and the weight on the scale say differently, but I see all this loose skin and I feel fat. So now I wonder, will that fat feeling go away when the skin does?
Jan. 22 OK, here's the details on my tummy tuck. I have a preop appointment for blood work and all the routine testing on Feb. 27 in Jacksonville. I then go in at 8:30 a.m. that following Tuesday for the 4.5 hour TT and medial thigh lift, which is scheduled to begin at 11:15 a.m.. My incisions will be a hip-to-hip for the TT and two horizonatal incisions in the groin for the thigh lift. I will only be at the hospital for outpatient surgery so I won't have to stay overnight unless there's a problem-- which I don't expect there to be. I'll leave with two JP drains, one on each hip, and come back in a week for a followup. I'm going to request the dermabond glue instead of stitches since i had problems with the stitches for my RNY. I do not want staples. I'm excited, but nervous at the same time. I'm also thinking of having the paper follow me and do a story on my plastic surgery. I figure, I helped so many people the first time when my story ran on my RNY, that this would probably help folks too. We'll see. In the meantime, my goals are to protein load, get all my vitamins in and recover from this stupid sinus infection that I got the day after I receieved approval. The sinus infection knocked me for a loop. I was out of work for two days and pouchie was nauseated all the time because of all the drainage. Yech. I found out that I can take Nyquil, but it makes me dizzy -- not dumping dizzy, but enought that I could actually sleep for a few hours. I'll save this for when I'm really sick... I went bowling with Mike last night, it was the first time I'd bowled since losing all my weight. The first few games I really sucked. I had to learn how to do everything again. I even had to learn to throw the ball again because, and I'm having a hard time explaining this, but my arms used to have to reach around my fat belly and now they don't, meaning the way I throw the ball is now different. That probably makes no sense, but think about it, when we're MO, our arms hang farther out from our bodies because they have to go over our tummies. Anyway, once I'd gotten a few games under my belt, I was OK, I even managed to beat Mike once. Granted, I still was not as good as I used to be when I played a few years ago, but it was still really fun!
Jan. 19 My tummy tuck got approved!!! It's scheduled for March 2 at 10:30 a.m. with Dr. Eric Weiss in Jacksonville, FL. I'm shaking with excitement. More later, when I can actually think and type at the same time.
Dec. 31 I went on a shopping spree last night with the intention of buying clothes, since plastic surgery is definately not going to happen this year....anyway, I had trouble finding stuff that I liked with one exception: a beautiful black skirt and top from Ann Taylor SIZE 10!!!! I couldn't believe it when I put the skirt on, zipped it and was actually able to breathe! I jumped up and down in the middle of the store.... I guess you could say I was (AM!) excited! So, it's new year's eve...so much has changed for me in the past year. I remember last year, sitting on my porch eating sf popsicles watching it rain. I had no expectations for 2003...I mean, I knew I was going to lose weight, but how much remained a mystery. Now, here I am 130 pounds lighter facing another new year. I wonder what this one will bring?
Dec. 28 I promised my mother I'd go on a week-long diet with her...she'll do Weight Watchers, I'll do low-carb, high protein and try for one week to be perfect again. We'll call each other daily to check in. This is more for her benefit than mine. When I went home at Christmas, she'd gained some weight and was unhappy...and uncomfortable. So, I told her we could do it together. In anticipation of the week, I got on the scale this AM, knowing full well that I haven't really dieted in about 6 weeks and that during the holidays I ate anything and everything I wanted, only in small, miniscule quantites and enjoyed myself and I still managed to lose weight. I'm down to 157/156 today...but I still plan on doing high pro/lo carb this week. May as well, M is out of town for a week so no dinner dates and I have to work on New Year's Eve and New Year's day, so no big parties for me.
Dec. 27 I went to Epcot tonight with my mom, brother, uncle and aunt, brother's girlfriend and her mother. It was great, we had a lot of fun and I ate duck at Nine Dragons. Actually, I ate too much duck/moo goo gai pan and hot and sour soup and ended up sick. So, add Epcot as one of the more glamorous locations where pouchie has been pissed off... funny, he didn't get sick on Mission:Space, but he got sick cause I ate one too many pieces of chicken. Ugh. Nah, my brother Chris and I had a long talk about it afterwards, and I'd much rather be sick for a few minutes than fat for a lifetime! This is me, with my brother. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE CAN GIVE ME A PIGGYBACK RIDE!!! No guy has ever been able to give me a piggy back ride...ok, perhaps when I was 4 but that was a long, long time ago! Notice the exicted look on my face and know that seconds after this pic was taken, when he put me down, I began jumping up and down screaming like a little school girl....gotta love the new life!!!!
I got a cute new shirt from my Uncle for the holidays. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to need to start buying T-shirts when I'm out and about because all of my shirts are too big. Most are XXL and I'm now a medium. Yep, a medium. So, my rule of not buying t-shirts is out the window. I'm still buying magnets though, cause I like my collection, but I need to add to my T-shirt collection. I should have let M buy me a T-shirt when we went to Hard Rock two weeks ago. Oh well...I'll definately get one when we go to NYC in Feb.
Dec. 25 I spent Christmas morning at home with mom and my brother then drove three hours southwest to Cape Coral to see my dad. It was the first time he'd physically laid eyes on me in more than a year. I was very nervous and tried on my outfits, making sure to chose one that really accentuates my weight loss. I settled on a black wide necked sweater (L) and ivory pants (12p). The last time my dad saw me I was wearing a blue sweater (3X) and black pants (28) from Lane Bryant. So I arrive just as they've jumped into the car to head out for a drive. I stood by my car and waited. My stepmother, in the passenger side of the car immediately jumped out and gave me a big hug. My dad pulled the car into the garage again. I wanted to stay there, but I'd just driven 300 miles and I had to pee so I went in to the house. My dad came in and waited for me in the kitchen. When I finally caught up to him, he gave me a big bear hug and then started crying. I've never seen my dad cry. It was a little odd standing there. I cannot imagine what he must have gone through suddenly seeing me 130 pounds later. I 've been here the whole time and it still blows my mind how much my body has changed. Apparently my personality has changed to. Both my parents, in seperate conversations obviously, said that I'm a lot nicer, a lot happier and a lot more pleasant to be around now that I'm thin. I never thought about it really, but I guess I was difficult to be around. My mom said I had this attitude of "here I am, love me or else" but I never saw it that way...I always thought I was insecure and people saw that. I mean, I was and still am a bold and brazen person, only people take it better from me now that I look "normal" what ever normal is. We had a wonderful night together, our first Christmas in more than 20 years. I got two gift cards to Victoria's Secret (whoo hoo) and I plan to use one now, one later after I have plastic surgery (IF I EVER HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY) I also got a shopping spree from my brother Chris and a Gap gift card from my brother Ryan. Clothes are good...Jen needs clothes.
Dec. 24 I've given up on getting plastic surgery approval before the end of the year...so my new timeline is sometime in March 2004? So, because I have a wedding to go to in January and I know my size isn't going to change that drastically (I think I'll drop about two sizes by having plastics) I decided to go shopping for a dress and I bought my first ever little black cocktail dress. It was so exciting. I had a hard time believing that the tiny little dresses I chose off the rack would actually fit over my head, much less go down around my hips, and I found myself constantly amazed when they did. The one that I chose is incredible and I feel so estatic that I now own a little black dress...I'll tell ya, sometimes this surgery makes my head spin--life has changed that much! Shopping for the dress was fun. I went into both the juniors and misses sections and was shocked when a juniors dress fit me. Excuse me???? My shopping companion, Judy, kept looking at me funny. I had to explain to her how wierd it was not knowing what size to buy or how to shop for yourself. Oh, at one point, I wandered into the women's section, even though there is NO WAY anything in there, even a 14W, would fit. I actually tried on four dresses and had a hard time chosing between two of them. Had I not been waiting for PS, I probably would have bought them both...but the other one won't fit me when and if I ever have a tummy tuck. I'm happy with my choice, cause it looks good, very sexy. I'll wear it to M's brother's wedding in January...unless I go out someplace fancy for New Year's Eve. After I got home to my mom's house, we went to the mall and she got me a black shawl for the dress. I cannot believe how much I've turned into a girly-girl. I love playing dressup now that I fit into normal clothes! What a wonderful thing this is!
Dec. 22 Twelve days and I still haven't heard from the insurance company. It's starting to stress me out to the point that it's affecting my daily life. Ugh. I got into a huge fight with my mom over it, I am having dreams about it and I actually had a bad day shopping because of it. Me, a bad day shopping? I love shopping, but not right now....I don't want to buy clothes that won't fit me in God only knows when. But at the same time, I need some winter clothes, because yes, it does get cold down here in Sunny Fla. It's a catch-22.
Dec. 20 I celebrated the first night of Hanukkah tonight with my boyfriend. It's my first Hanukkah ever and it was a wonderful event. It was so nice, the candles and the music! We even read about some of the traditions and history of the holiday (in other words, we did research! Gotta love it!) Tomorrow we're going to the Bucs game, where we will probably watch the team lose. Boy, what a disappointing year it's been, but as a loyal Bucs fan for more than 20 years, it's tradition to route for a losing team...last year was a fluke, granted, it was a happy fluke!
Dec. 17 Today I had my second meeting with the Rabbi to continue my studies in Judaism. I cannot believe how much we really talked about in our 1 hour, but boy did we tackle some major topics! I'm really enjoying our conversations. The Rabbi is not surprised that I'm tackling religion and faith right now, since this past year has been really about tackling the major issues in my life -- weight, relationships with family,friends, work. I made a committment to spend a year in deep introspection, and although my year is techincally over, I find myself still missing something -- Faith. I know what I believe although I don't understand exactly why I believe it. So, I've decided to dive deep into faith, Christianity and sprituality and see what happens. I've found a great Rabbi/teacher, someone who is willing to dive deep with me and see what happens. Like with the surgery, I am not promising myself anything at the end other than a better working knowledge of God, the Bible and perhaps, Christianity. Yes, my Rabbi is teaching me more about Christianity than my priest ever did. But, then again, Catholicism really isn't about introspection and questions, is it?
Dec. 10 I just faxed this letter to BCBS in hopes that they will approve my TT and thighplasty: To whom it may concern, I am writing this letter to request expedited approval for medically necessary surgical procedures listed below: Abdominoplasty Cpt Code: 15831 Thighplasty Cpt Code: 15832 I am not requesting these surgeries for cosmetic reasons. These surgeries are reconstructive following massive weight loss per the American Society of Plastic Surgeons and The American Medical Association. According ot the ASPS: loss of excessive weight may lead to redundant skin. Excision of redundant skin after weight loss in areas such as, but not limited to, the abdomen, lumbar region, arms, and/or thighs is medically necessary for intertrigo, monilial infestations, and/or panniculitis that have failed to resolve with conservative measures. Abdominoplasty is a surgical procedure used to alter the abdomen by removing excess skin and/or fatty tissue and tightening a lax anterior abdominal wall. Potential complications from abdominoplasty include blood or serum collections beneath the flap, infection, tissue loss, and protrusion of the abdominal wall between the left and right rectus abdominis muscles. Abdominoplasty and excision of redundant skin after weight loss is medically necessary and is performed for the treatment of the following conditions: suprapubic intertrigo, monilial infestations, and/or panniculitis when conservative treatment measures have failed. Excision of redundant skin after weight loss performed for all other indications is considered cosmetic. If cosmetic surgery is included in a group benefit contract as a covered service, the service is provided to members in such groups in accordance with the terms of the contract. Please note, even the human resource director at Florida Today, Julie Lusk, supports my surgery and is prepared to make any statements to assist in your decision. To give you a little background, Empire approved and paid for my gastric bypass surgery which was performed on 11/12/2002. Since that surgery date, I have lost 127 pounds. Because I carried the majority of my weight around my abdomen, I now have an excessive amount of skin hanging over my abdomen and mons pubis area. This skin causes rashes requiring medical intervention and daily cleansing with antibacterial gel and shampoo. The skin causes me back aches and has gotten caught in several zippers - a quite painful experience, I might add. I have problems with hygiene as it is very difficult to keep clean between the skin folds and I often take three to four showers a day and still never really feel clean nor am I odor free. A requirement of the gastric bypass surgery is that I must keep up my exercise to be successful. Exercise causes me great pain because of the excess skin constantly rubbing together. Rashes can lead to ulcers, so when a rash flares up, I must discontunue exercise. In addition, sweating can cause rashes/ulcers and I live in Florida...it's kind of hard not to sweat some times. The more I exercise the more I sweat and as a result of the sweat (trapped moisture) the rashes and infections are increasing and becoming worse. This has resulted in me becoming less active both at work as a reporter and in my personal life. In addition, please note that these functional impairments of the skin cannot be managed with non-surgical methods. First, you cannot do anything about the excessive skin without surgery. Skin that is as stretched out as mine cannot shrink to a 'normal' size. Second, the rashes and infections caused by the skin rubbing together between my abdomen and pubic area, thighs, breast, and arms cannot be cured without taking what is causing the rubbing away (the skin). The creams and lotions have done nothing the last seven or eight months to treat my condition. Additionally, without removing the skin, we cannot correct the abnormalities/deformities that have been created as a result of the treatment of the morbid obesity. All of my doctors treating me - general practitioner, bariatric surgeon, chiropractor - have stated and documented the medical necessity for me to have these procedures performed. The following are functional impairments as a result of the excess skin: intertrigo, suprapubic intertrigo, fungal dermatitis, folliculitis, rashes, yeast and bacterial, infections, hygiene issues, back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, problems lifting things over 10 pounds, problems sitting for long periods of time, problems standing for long periods of time. The covered disease for my intial surgery was Morbid Obesity. The treatment for Morbid Obesity was gastric bypass. The excess skin is a result of treatment (gastric bypass) of a covered disease (Morbid Obesity) – which qualifies me for reconstructive surgery. In addition, as stated below, reconstructive surgery is done to improve function, as well as approximate a normal appearance. The pain is becoming stronger with each day in regards my abdomen, lumbar, buttocks, arms, thighs, and breasts. The excessive skin is so great that I am experiencing degenerative disease in my lower back and neck. I can provide documentation to this affect, should Empire need it. Time is ticking away for me. The newspaper is going through major changes in the new year and unless I have this surgery before Dec. 31, I cannot secure the time neccesary until at least this summer. I cannot bear the thought of six more months of these horrible rashes, this awful pain and the embarrasment of the odor. Please, can you help me? Thank you for reading this lengthy letter. I really do appreciate your time. Sincerely, Jennifer Ellis I also faxed the article I wrote in the newspaper. I pray it works.
Dec. 9 Bad day...today I: -overslept -screwed up a name on TV, got corrected by the anchor -got chewed out by one boss for following the directions of another - found out one of my collegues got engaged which is making me think about the stupid conversation I had last night Everything is cyclical, isn't it???????????? And now, to top it all off...still NOTHING from the damned insurance company. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's getting quite difficult.... I could use a hug or a shot of tequila....I could care less which it is. Tequila is faster...
Dec. 8 Time is ticking away and still no word on the plastic surgery approval. My window of opportunity is quickly closing. If I don't get this done in December, the next chance for me to get it done isn't really until March because I have important plans in Jan and Feb. This is so frustrating and I'm trying not to get depressed. I hoped it would be a quick approval...but nope. I pray now that if I can get the approval this week, the surgeon can fit me in next week or the week after...but I am beginning to feel that it's not going to happen. I wish I could be happy with my figure...someone today called me skinny and I immediately looked at the panni and thought about how gross it really is. I love the fact that it doesn't seem to bother Mike, but it really bother's me. I wish I looked good naked, instead of like a big ole wrinkily gross person. I feel like a deflated balloon and it bothers me. It's keeping me from enjoying certain aspects of having a boyfriend, if you know what I mean.
Dec. 1 I hit the 150s today and almost fell off the scale I was so excited. This after eating anything and everything I wanted at thanksgiving! I'm so excited and I've never been so happy in all my life! Everything is going right...new boyfriend, great bod, good health, work is great...wow what a difference a year makes! Thanksgiving was a blast..I got to eat turkey, cranberry jelly, stuffing (a little, not a lot) squash and green bean caserole. I dumped on something, most likely the cranberry but it was so good and in all fairness, I only ate a little. I've been so good lately, and I got gyped last year since I was a new post-op. I also had some wine (1 oz) and three bites of real pumpkin pie! I'm not really trying to lose weight at this point...I'm focusing more on eating right and living normally! PS woes continue. Long story, but here goes. last week I called the doctor's office and had them fax me the letter they sent to the insurance co. Well, it turns out the doc sent it to the wrong Blue Cross office. Urgh. I was ticked. I told the insurance lady at the dr.s office that she basically wasted a month of my precious time...and then said I'd handle approval from here on out. So, I personally faxed the paperwork in and had the claims person verify that they'd received it. Now I'm just praying for a quick approval because I want this lose skin gone before I meet my boyfriend's parents at the end of January. I'm trying to stay positive, like it's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen. I've got a lot going on in my life right now, that's the fun side-effect of this surgery-- you definately get a life!
Nov. 19 Oh, I got sick last night on some chicken...I think I cannot do chicken breasts anymore which kind of concerns me. Ugh, it was horrible...pain, nausea, vomiting. In the middle of it, I realized that as ill as I felt, I really wanted M to be sitting there on the couch with me...not that he could do anything, but I suddenly wanted him there. Its odd because I spent years pushing people away both consciously and unconcsiously and I guess a large part of me is terrified that I'm going to push him away too. Let me backtrack...I've not really written about him yet. I met M through a set-up date about a month ago. We did a group date the first night and I didn't have to eat. The second date (our first official date) was a movie date, again, no food. So and was kind of forced into him about my WLS journey on our first meal date because two weeks later my story was coming out in the newspaper. I also am on the television news every morning between 6 and 6:15 a.m. and so, the station did a huge feature over two days on my journey. I pulled out my fat pants and everything. Now, not everyone gets outted that way, but hey, I thought I might help a few people out there see the real side of the WLS story! We're not all Al Roker and Carnie Wilson) So, here we are at this Italian restaurant and I've ordered my eggplant parmigana when I blurt out, "by the way, remember when I told you I wasn't an athletic child...well, that's 'cause I was a fat child. In fact, up until about 6 months ago, I was morbidly obese. Wanna see a picture? " His reaction to my before photo== "wow" So, the next date, a more formal date at a fancy restaraunt, he asks if I'd like wine. I said I would, but if we ordered a bottle, I'd end up in a coma. He laughed....and we talked more about the surgery. I also told him that night about my upcoming tummy tuck. Like I said, I dumped a lot on him in a very short time. But, the way I explained it was, this is me, this is my life and this is what I've gone through. I cannot deny, hide or omit any of the past year 'cause I'm so proud of what I've done. I also warned him that I still am MO in my head and sometimes I forget that I look normal. Do I think the guy would have looked at me, let alone fallen in love with me at 298, nope. Do I care? Nope because as long as I continue with my protein/water/vitamins, I'll never be 298 again. I may gain a few pounds, but he and I are on the same diet and exercise routine. He's a runner and after the TT he's gonna start running with me. (Am I mental, or what?) He encourages me to go the gym and asks me if I've eaten... heck, he even went to my one-year post-op meeting and then out to eat with a few post-op buddies of mine and as ya'll know, when posties get together, conversations tend to include some wierd topics. My favorite comment made was when my bud Ray (-210) said his panni looks like a giant butt!!! :) My guy has rolled with all the punches and I love him for that (and a LOT more!. I was terrified the first time a guy paid attention to me, and I hated the idea of having to break the 'news' about my WLS surgery. But again, this is my life and I am proud of who I've become. So, now my fears have moved from me scaring him, to me losing him. I know, this is probably natural...but I've never been through this before. As a MO adult, I isolated myself away from people. I am now 125 pounds less secure than I was before and it scares the crap out of me.
Nov. 18 Did my weigh and measure at Curves last night and I've lost 6 more inches earning me my double foot (24 inches) gone since I joined Aug. 2. The best news was that my body fat composition is now NORMAL........I was so excited that I danced around the room! I also lost 9 pounds. I'd like to lose about 10 more before my visit with T on Dec. 3. We'll see.
Nov. 12 One year ago today, I had Roux-en-Y gastric-bypass in a last-ditch, back-against-the-wall effort to lose weight. I had no choice. If I didn't have surgery, I was going to die young, probably of a heart attack. And, although I wasn't living much of a life, the idea of dying young scared me into surgery. At my heaviest, I topped out at about 298 pounds and wore a size 30/32. I couldn't walk a flight of stairs, fit in an airplane seat or ride a roller coaster. I avoided social activities where I'd have to eat in public. Today, I've lost about 120 pounds and have about 10 to 15 pounds of surplus skin I soon hope to have removed via reconstructive surgery. I've shrunk nine dress sizes, one shoe size and two ring sizes. I've reduced my cholesterol and blood pressure and eliminated the pain in my knees and back. I've met a wonderful man who has embraced every change I've had to go through and I've fallen in love. Because I'm thin enough and don't ache all the time, I've gone sky-diving in Titusville, rock climbing in Nevada and hiked up Dunn's River Falls in Jamaica. Now that I'm thin, I've joined a performance choir where I actually have to dance around in public, something I never would have done at 285 pounds. I guess you could say I've finally got the adventurous, athletic lifestyle I've always dreamed about. I'm not going to preach that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. Sometimes I make the right choices, but I still have my moments. I am, and always will be, a food addict. I accept that. My goal is to make healthy choices at least 90 percent of the time. I hope the weight is gone for good, but I know the surgery is not a guarantee. It doesn't create weight loss; it assists with weight loss. The rest is up to me. I can choose to eat junk food or I can choose to eat a healthy diet I cannot believe a year has gone by. I've been asked if I ever thought I would get to this point? Did I ever think I would be thin? The answer is, I don't think I am thin. One year later, and I still don't recognize the woman in the mirror or in recent photos. I wonder if I ever will. I'm having a hard time with all the attention I receive. A lot of long-term AMOS members tell me this is the second step in the weight-loss journey, the step where your brain must catch up to what your body has done. I know I've lost the weight. I can see the results on the scale and in the clothes I used to wear. But my brain hasn't adjusted. My eyes are bigger than my stomach when I go out to dinner, and I end up with a lot of leftover containers. I still carry around a "before" picture of me as a reminder, and I find myself staring at the woman in the photo. I'm the same person now as I was then, only happier.
Nov. 4 I cannot believe it's been almost a year. Today's Ray's re-birthday, which means mine is only a week away. Where did the time go? I'm dating a new guy
Nov. 5 Five more pounds gone! This puts me at 120 pounds lost in one week shy of one year. What an amazing journey!
Oct. 28 I had my Plastic Surgery consult yesterday and my doc said I have a considerable amount of skin that will need to be removed. He estimates 10-15 pounds to be exact and thinks he'll have NO trouble getting the surgery approved by my insurance company. I'm also going to go for a thigh lift while I am there. I'll pay that out of pocket. The surgery is on an outpatient basis, which sounds good to me. I hated hanging around the hospital. I could have gone home after a day, if you ask me. Now,he will make me stay if there's a problem, I mean, they won't rush me out the door or anything.
Oct. 22 I went to the food and wine festival at Epcot this past weekend and ate my way around the world. I don't feel guilty though, because I ate a bite or two and then threw the rest away. Then Saturday night I went to the Party for the Senses which was all-you-care-to-eat gourmet food. The spread was INCREDIBLE! I ate all the protein and maybe a bite of the carb. I also ate a bite or two of deserts...they were heavenly!
Oct. 14 I had a meeting with the exec. editor today about doing my story for the health section. I am so psyched about getting my story in the paper. He wants the theme of the story to be the 'real' deal behind this surgery, in otherwords, I'm NOT Carnie or Al. I am a real person with a real job and real expectations. So, what is the REAL story? It's supposed to be a conversational story, me talking to the reader, cluing them in on what this new life is like. I can tell you what it's been like for me-- ONE HECK OF AN AMAZING RIDE!
Oct. 8 Oh, I got so sick on some chicken today. I think it was too dry because it sat in my pouch like a rock. Some of it worked its way back out--what is it with that slimey mucus?-- but the majority of it sat there. For one hour I burped and tried to get it to go down. I was miserable. It's been a long, long time since that's happened. It was kind of frightening. One of my co-workers got really worried about me and said that I needed to take care of myself, unlike L. I told her I was taking care of me, and if the chicken hadn't passed after a reasonable amount of time, I would call my surgeon. Thank God I didn't have to:)
Sept. 12 TEN MONTHS Today!!! I'm at 178 and have lost 107 pounds and 91.25 inches --- And of those inches, 13.25 of them have come off since I joined Curves Aug. 2! I cannot believe how much exercise really does help. Sadly, the inches aren't coming off my panni or my arms, which is why I so desperately want plastic surgery. I think my belly (abdomen, not waist) is done losing...the skin is not going away. It's funny to see it when I pull it out and put my belly button 'back' where it's supposed to go, then I look so thin. :)
Sept. 8 MY BMI is in the 20s -- 29.6 down from 47.7 --- I'm not OBESE anymore, merely overweight and I'm almost normal! I've turned into one of those whiny women who bitch about the last 20 pounds being sooooo hard to lose. OMG, me worried about 20? I just lost 107... eee-ghads, what a joke I must seem like to others :) I had to get a new mugshot taken at work today because all we had in the system was my 'fat' one. That was awesome! I've changed so much in such a short time!
Aug. 26 I weighed in at Curves last night-- down 6 1/2 pounds and 8 1/4 inches. This means since Nov. 12, 2002 I've lost: 105 pounds and a total of 86.25 inches (or 7.188 feet) To put this in perspective: LA Laker Shaquille O'Neal is 7' 1" tall Pop diva Britney Spears weighs 105 pounds I've lost Shaq and Britney in 9.5 months! I love this surgery!
Aug. 12 I spent yesterday and today out wandering the football fields with high school football players. Today I watched a bunch of kids running sprints. I felt so bad for the MO kids...yes there were quite a few. I wanted to run to them ('cause I can now) and put my arms around them and tell them not to give up hope. Then I realized how lucky I was. I could actually do that workout with them today if I had to. Last year when I did this assignment I couldn't walk from my car to the field without getting tired!
Aug. 4 For the past few months I have tested and tested and tested my dumping reaction and I now can successfully eat a bunch of sugar without dumping. This is not something I am proud of. I wish I didn't know that I could eat cake, cookies, chocolate, ice cream and other non-nutritional junk foods. I want to erase the knowledge from my brain. I don't want to know that I can eat this crap. Bottom line I'm ticked at myself for falling back into old patterns, and would give anything to get back the dumping syndrome again. I'm joining a group protein feast/fast/buffett (those are the latest names) on Monday next week and will work this week to slowly wean myself off sugar, carbs and other 'bad' things so I don't suffer major headaches on Monday or make my co-workers want to kill me. I've also joined Curves and made a committment to myself to get more exercise into my life. I had another person who hadn't seen me since surgery 8.5 months ago not recognize me! I love that! But then she said 'I hope you didn't do anything drastic like have your stomach stapled or something like that.' I looked her straight in the eye, grinned and said, 'as a matter of fact I did. I had an RNY on Nov. 12. I've lost 102 pounds." she asked 'are you healthy?' I said, arms stretched out wide, 'don't I look healthy!'
Aug. 3 I've been overweight for 19 years. Not just overweight, I've been Morbidly Obese for 12 years. My weight gain was not an overnight thing, so why do I keep expecting my weight loss to be an overnight thing? That's unrealistic. Reality for me is that my body will lose weight at the rate IT needs to, not the rate I'D like it to. If I look at my numbers, I look pretty good: BMI: 30.1 PERCENTAGE OF BODY FAT: 34.5 Weight: 185 Height: 5-5 25 percent body fat is normal for a woman. That means I only need to lose about 10 percent more. I've already lost 71.8 percent of my excess body weight--- which even if I didn't lose another pound I'd be considered a success.
July 21 100 POUNDS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO CENTURY CLUB That felt good this morning, seeing that 185 clear as day! No 2 in front! What a major goal...of course, I don't think I deserve it after the two slices of pizza I ate last night, but I'll take it. 100 pounds gone, but they could come back unless I do something and stay on top of my eating. Man, I wish I dumped easily, I wish I'd never tried sugar and I wish I could stay away from bad foods.
July 7 I've been blessed in that my road so far has been relatively easy. I've not had some of the problems others have had (I've also had slower loss than many, but that's my bod, not theirs!) I want to keep my health up, not just during this first year to 18 months when so much is changing, but for the next 20-30-50 years! I found shakes I enjoy, shakes I don't mind doing and I will continue to do them, but I wonder about what the later reprecussions are.
July 4 I suck at dieting. This is perhaps one of the biggest reasons I was fat. I hate being restricted, I hate having to give up anything and I hate the scrutiny I put myself under when I am dieting. So I guess it's quite ironic that I rearranged my insides and forced myself to go on a contstant life-long diet that involves or should involve absolute restrictions from certain foods (sugar, carbs)
June 8 Since I began my journey 6.5 months ago, I've compared myself countless numbers of times to others post op. I've beaten myself up because I'm losing slowly, or so and so has lost more weight than I have etc. This sick mentally unfair behavior HAS GOT TO STOP. It's driving me insane with jelousy, making me doubt my own strength and making me feel like this will be yet another endeavour I will fail at. The truth is, I'M NOT FAILING. I am going to win this battle. Heck, I've already won. I'm in 14/16 clothes. I've recognized I have an addiction and cannot have certain foods in my house (ice cream) and I am making better food choices than I have ever made in my life. I've grown addicted to protein shakes (a feat I NEVER thought possible) and I've been able to pass up eating the junk food that my brother keeps in his room. So I say it again. I'm NOT FAILING Yes, I'm losing slow. But, I am losing. The weight is coming off. It will continue to come off. I will not BLOW this like I have so many other times before. There is no possible way for me to blow this because I want it too much.
June 5 What I love about my WLS journey: --The day I found a shake I actually salivated over -- The day I walked into the normal section of the department store and realized I could shop there -- I can now cross both my legs -- hearing people calling me skinny or slim -- buckling my airplane seat and having to tighten IT! -- realizing I no longer had to have the entire bag of chocolate candy, but could enjoy that one perfect bite! -- skydiving for the first (and last) time -- knowing I can go into almost any restaurant and eat low-carb because it's become a habit now rather than torture -- stealing clothes from my 'skinny' friends because we now wear the same size -- moving up my car seat closer to the steering wheel -- jogging (yes, jogging!) more than 5 steps and not getting so winded I need to sit down -- having a friend of mine ask another person 'who is that' the first time she saw me as a post-op and then not really believing it was me!
June 2 I've come to the acceptance that I will NEVER conquer my food addiction. I will be a food addict for the rest of my life. I want food, I love food and the only thing this surgery did for me was give me a way to not give in to my overwhelming desires to eat food. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOOO greatful I have a small pouch instead of a huge stomach that I could fill with unnatural amounts of food. But why do I still have the DESIRE to eat? Why can't my slimmer body be fulfilling enough? Why do I still lament that I want to be thin yet I want to eat that chocolate, those cookies, that ice cream. I am well into my six month period (I am 6.5 months post-op. I've lost 30.2 percent of my total body weight and 63.7 percent of what I want to lose total...if that's even realistic. Should I set 135 pounds lost as my goal?) But at 6.5 months post-op I can eat a lot compared to what I used to be able to eat. I'm kind of freaked out and a bit anxious that I'll never get this done.
May 12 SIX MONTHS ALREADY!!! Well, as of this morning, I'm down 82 pounds (wish it were more, but it isn't and I am happy with what I've accomplished) I've gone from a 26/28 to a 16/18 and some 14s. I lost 6 pounds this month (plateau?) and 4 inches from mostly my upper chest (oh, why couldn't it have been from my fat tummy?!) and 65 inches. BY they way, I am 65 inches tall, meaning I've lost a complete me!!!!!!!!!
May 2 I dumped at dinner tonight while in a restaraunt, which was a first for me. I didn't suspect anything was wrong. I'd made good choices - caesar salad, Chilean sea bass stuffed with lobster and crab. I'd asked them to leave out the rice side and instead double up on the steamed broccoli. I never made it to the fish. I dumped on something I'd never have suspected was a bad thing--- what a lesson to learn! Turns out, the restaraunt I was at serves salads along with a 'relish plate' filled with pickled stuff along with olives, baby corn and peppers. I ate a few bites of these green pickled things. I remember taking a little bite, chewing it up and waiting to see what pouchie would do. I guess I didn't wait long enough. I should have known better since I was sick the night before thanks to some sf cheesecake (ugh, just the thought of ever eating that again makes me want to hurl!) I ate a few pieces of the green pickled things and then it hit me. Hot flashes, sweating, slight dizzyness and a killer headache! Oh, it was awful. I don't think my dinner companion noticed until my dinner arrived and I never touched a bite. I passed it off by saying "I'm full. I never should have eaten all my salad." I believe they bought it. Anyway, when the waiter came to check on our meals, I joked how full I was and asked what those green pickled things were because they were so good, they were the reason I couldn't touch my fish. (Waiters always look at me funny when I don't eat my dinner. I know now, since I'm in a 16 and not a 28 that they aren't thinking 'that fat girl is putting on airs for her dinner date' but still.....) Ready for the answer to the mystery green pickled thingies? PICKLED WATERMELLON RIND OK, they were good, but I know watermellon for me is too high in sugar. I would never eat it. So, tonight I learned a valuable lesson. Hidden sugars are EVERYWHERE and they are out to get me. My hot flashes are gone, but my head still aches. I feel like I have a migrane, but it's not quite that bad. In fact, I think I'm going to go eat my sea bass now.
April 12 I am wearing size 16 jeans today meaning I have officially lost 7 ...yes 7....dress sizes. Whoo hoo. I feel so happy. It means this week of low-carbing it really worked. Not only have I lost pounds on the scale (11 since I returned from vacation two weeks ago) but I have also lost inches! I feel great.
April 6 I DID IT! I SURVIVED SKYDIVING. To celebrate my birthday, I decided I'd go skydiving for no other reason than I'd lost enough weight to do it. I sent out a message to my colleagues and co-workers inviting them to join me in my birthday jump. Seven signed up (one later backed out.) So, on April 5, at 11 a.m. I arrived at Skydive Space Center in Titusville. I'd had a protein shake on the way there, and was feeling energetic and alive. Panic never ensued. Nerves never kicked in. Fear never surfaced her ugly head. In hindsight, I wonder if I should have been a little bit scared? What the heck was I about to do and how could I live with myself if something happened to one of the six people I'd brought with me? My journey began with the obligatory weigh-in (which I actually didn't mind since I was five months post RnY 11/12/02 and down more than 70 pounds and 56 inches) as well as video-watching, and seemingly endless execution of legal waivers (which I really did read). We waited and waited for our turn. Two of my friends had already completed their dive and two more were suited up and ready to go when we were informed that as soon as they landed (and the plane returned) the third and final group-- Diane, Brian and I --- would be good to go. So we waited. On the ground, our merry group of experienced jumpers - Dien and Juan - told us tales and showed us their video. We played with our mascot--Denise's daughter Caroline and waited our turn. Suddenly our names were called over the loudspeaker and we began our search for jumpsuits that would fit. Diane and I both got a lovely blue suit, Brian couldn't find one that fit, and chose to dive in his jeans and T-shirt. Within seconds of gearing up, it became unbearably hot in the hangar. It was a gorgeous day, 85-degrees and very few clouds. I grew concerned that I would overheat, and had Denise run out to my car to grab my cooler with its caffeine-free, carb-free, sugar-free drinks inside. (This moment of pre-planning proved to be quite fortuitous later!) After another 30 minutes our tandem partners arrived and began suiting us in our harnesses. Mine, Richard, took great pleasure in making jokes about de-flowering me, and manhandling me as he hooked me into the cumbersome gear. I joked along, a slapstick and somewhat goofy grin on my face. During this time, I found myself being interviewed for my video. I don't remember what I said, but I know I sounded like a dork. I kept hearing my friends shout 'happy birthday Jen' and I remember I said a lot of "yeahs" and "awesomes" Again, not one of my finer moments... We got into the plane, which was a long plane with two long benches on either side. Diane and her partner were behind Richard and I. Brian and his partner sat beside me. Two other jumpers were between me and the door, which remained open for takeoff. I was under the wing, with a window view, and saw my friends waving bye to us as we took off. Our airborne trip took about 15 minutes or so. We circled over Titusville and past KSC. We had incredible views of the Space Center and the Mosquito Lagoon. We flew about 15 miles south of the airport before we'd achieved a high enough altitude to circle back. I don't remember when I noticed the door was open again and the jumpers in front of me began inching forward. Seconds later, they were gone and Yoshi was moving forward, camera pointed at me. My moment of truth arrived and I was told to slide forward on the bench and toward the opening. Suddenly I found myself standing on the edge of the world, nothing below me. The sensation was akin to peeking off the tallest building in the world - without knowing if the safety net below was really going to be there. The wind struck with gale force, like a vertical hurricane. It was freezing up there. My right foot slipped out of the hatch and was hanging literally in mid-air. I stressed about it for a split second before I felt myself being rocked to my right...one...two...three and we were out the door. We spun, gyrated, twisted, turned, twirled - seemingly out of control, at a velocity close to 120 mph. I was totally disoriented relative to the horizon and Richard behind me. When we finally achieved optimal position - prone, spread-eagled, Richard above me burrowed into my back - he pulled a drag line which slowed us slightly. After surveying the world around me, sky above, space center behind me, Orlando in the far distance. Straight ahead and saw Yoshi, the cameraman, lens of his 35 mm Nikon mounted on his helmet pointed at me. I screamed OH MY GOD!!!!!! not in terror but in excitement. Then it hit me, I was falling through space and had no idea if I'd l and safely. I didn't care. I had fulfilled one of my dreams and actually jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet for no reason other than I was thin enough to do it!!! We only were in the free-fall for about two or three minutes, at one point blowing through a low-level cloud, but it was my favorite part. I loved it!! I felt so free, so alive, so untethered despite the fact that I had a 180 pound man strapped to me. At 5,000 feet altitude, the main parachute was deployed, slowing us abruptly and significantly. My feet were suddenly thrust from behind me in a 'banana position' to in front of me in a 'seated position.' Richard had me wiggle the harness so the straps were below my mid-thigh. I struggled, but they eased their way down and I was able to enjoy the ride--for about 10 seconds. That's when I became ill...not from the skydive, but from the twists and turns Richard decided he wanted to take. We'd float smoothly, but then suddenly he'd cut left with the precision of a military rocket on it's way to target an incoming patriot missile. At one point, eyes closed and the world spinning, Richard asked me 'is this OK?' Because the harness had traveled its way from my chest to my trachea, cutting off my voice, I vehemently shook my head no. Big mistake. Admitting I was having a hard time only seemed to encourage Richard and bring on the nausea He continued the turns and twists. I closed my eyes again. And then, suddenly, the airport appeared. I saw my friends on the ground and I held out my hands in a peace sign. When it looked like we were about to land, I moved my legs into a seated position and then found myself bumping butt first onto the ground. It was a humiliating way to land. But at that moment, I was so happy to be seated on terra firma because I felt myself overcome with nausea and began to belch. That's when Yoshi decided to stick the camera in my face and ask me how I liked the ride. I told the truth, I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it was an incredible experience. I was asked if I'd skydive again. Here's my current thinking: fate is fickle. It should be tempted only on occasion. I'm hesitant to say never again, because never is such a permanent thing. But after the hugs from my friends and fellow jumpers, I decided a repeat may not be in my future. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I vomited because of the motion sickness, not from the jump, but from the twists and turns Richard (hereby to be known as the sadist) took. Still, now I can tell my grandkids the story of that "day back in 2003 when I took a leap and discovered the sky isn't the limit, the ground is."
March 31 I BAAAAAACKKKK from a week-long cruise to the Carribbean. I brought home a wonderful souvenir- a horrible cold. I have been alternating between the couch and my bed with not much in between. I have been only eating soup, and then in limited amounts, but today I got in one protein shake so far with plans to drink another tonight. I have gotten in ALL my vitamins since I got sick, so yea me. The cruise was wonderful! I treated pouchie well and fed him a high-protein, medium-carb diet while were aboard. I'll confess to not being 100% on-program, but I did eat small portions, skip drinking with my meals, skip the desert buffet, the High Dutch Tea and most calorie-laden snacks...I also went to the gym EVERY DAY I was aboard and even took a Pilates class while I was there (four classes on a seven day cruise!) I had several "ah-ha" moments while I was aboard-- but here's the most memorable: This came on Day 3 after I a) walked around in a bathing suit and nothing else <>> and b) hiked the entire length of Dunn's River Falls. For those of you not in the know, Dunn's River Falls is a natural waterfall with rocks in strategic locations that you can climb up. It is in NO WAY easy, but not like climbing a cliff or something. That's me in the red suit--still heavy, but a lot smaller than I was five months ago!But, thanks to my 70 pound loss (not to mention the fact that I am six sizes smaller) I was able to do it--the whole thing! I felt so good when I was done! March 20 FOOD IS EVERYWHERE OK, so the war began and our newsroom responded by bringing in Dunkan Donuts. I ate chicken salad and, 1 1/2 hours later had a protein shake. Then the newspaper honored those of us who kicked butt during the Columbia disaster. They gave us cake. I ate two bites and gave my piece away. I then felt guilty and immediately drank 17 oz of water. March 19 No loss in a few days. It's getting frustrating. II don't know what I'll do if I gain weight this month, probably cry since I am already so stressed out. Maybe I'm losing inches. I guess only time will tell. I hear stress effects us more now that we are post-op. Great. That's something they didn't mention in the pre-op session. I have a stressful job and I haven't been sleeping well. March 5 I cannot believe how lowsy I feel right now. I just had a EAS Simply Protein drink (35 g) and I feel lightheaded and sluggish and hot. I'm not completely dumping, but I feel yechy, like I want to lay down and take a nap. I can'd do that because as soon as I leave my day job, I have to go to my night job. Yech. I also have to go get labs done, but I sure don't want to do that while I feel lightheaded. Argh. Feb. 12 Anyone who says this is the "easy way" to lose weight should follow me around for a day. I just ate 1/2 c of greek salad and now I am having a hot flash, I'm dizzy and I want to lay down on the ground under my desk. Think anyone would notice? he he he. Luckily my partner at work is supportive and understanding. I cannot for the life of me figure out what set me off, greek salad is nothing but feta, lettuce, onion(which I picked most of out) and a few olives. I ate mostly the cheese, covered of course in the oil/vinegar dressing. I drank a lot of water before I ate, so I wouldn't eat much and now I feel like crap. I'm not dumping, cause that feels similar to this, but not quite the same. Dumping for me is much worse. Feb. 10 I can't hear "looking good, Jen" enough these days! I love getting messages like this in my intraoffice cue-- Miss Skinny Minnie! New clothes? You look great! :-) I love the fact that my Brand NEW 20s are now TOO BIG!!!!!!!!!!!! despite the fact that this is the first time I've worn them. I love feeling my collar bone, my hips, my elbows! I love that I don't want to hide anymore when someone breaks out a camera! Feb. 1 The shuttle has exploded. I've been going non-stop since 9:30 a.m. This is such a disaster for my community, which was built around the space industry. 9:45 a.m. I could use emotional support right now and I feel silly for asking for help. So far, so good. I've gotten a plate of cheese, some luncheon meats, two deviled eggs, a small bottle of water and two diet sodas- one with cafiene to help me go. It's going to be a long, long day. I called my Doc's patient advocate for support and she told me to walk away from the food. That's easier said than done, it's about 15 feet from my desk. I can see it out of the corner of my eye. Ugh. 8:25 p.m. update So far so good with all the food that the paper has brought in. I made some healthy choices- luncheon meat, peanuts, cheese, water. I'm still stressed so my pouch isn't happy but now with emotions running high I feel my resistance running low. The good news, they moved the darned food out of my eyesight (not because I asked them too, but thank goodness they did. It was getting harder and harder to resist the pastries.) Jan. 23 Stressful day at the paper today, one of our state senators died and I've been on the story since 6:30 a.m. Thank GOD I don't feel hungry anymore because I've been going non-stop for for the past seven hours without so much as a pee break. I did get up to get my water and I did break out an Atkins bar so at least I got a little nutrition. I remember a few months ago and by now, I'd be ready (and willing) to eat a mountain of food. I would be so hungry, or perhaps it was just the idea of not having eating, that I would end up pigging out on anything handy. Fast food was always my first choice, then ice cream, pizza or soup (creamed soup of course!) But not any more! Now, when I did finally get five minutes to go outside and eat, I grabbed my sandwich, ate the meat and cheese from inside it - threw the rest away, thank you- then ate a SF Jell-O cup. I'm satisfied and I am ready to back to work Jan. 22 I had a good doctor's appointment today: I'm down to 236 OMG!!! This is as skinny as I've ever been in my adult life!!!!! I cannot believe it. Dr. T told me not to focus on the numbers, rather focus on the way I look and feel. He said, 'too many people get focused on the numbers.' I wanted to say, 'I'm one of them!' So, for the next few days, I will try to focus on how good I look and feel and see if that works for me. SO, here goes: ~ I look good. A bit more streamlined. I'm in a 22 pant, 20-22 top and I have only one chin. I can walk in high heels without having my feet swell almost immediately. I can cross my legs. I moved the seat forward in my car. People tell me I am 'melting away' and a complete stranger today from a different department at work told me how good I was looking. ~ I feel energetic. When I get home from my 13 hour days, I no longer feel the need to collapse on the couch. In fact, last night after I got off work, I went grocery shopping at both the health food store and Publix. I then went home and did two loads of laundry, vacuumed my apartment. At the grocery store I found the yummy Detour bars. They do taste like a Snickers. Yum. What a great way to get 35g of protein. I've given up on stressing over high carbs. I figure I get between 10 and 25 on any given day and I look good, so why obsess. I did not have this surgery to go from one eating disorder (basically no control) to another (basically hyper control) Jan. 21 One of my collegues just told me I am melting away. I will never get tired of hearing that! What I need is a tape of people saying that so I can listen when I am lying in bed miserable with stomach cramps from food/vitamins/water or just breating :) I'm having some issues lately with stomach cramps and a loud gurgling that occurs in the area I think he reattached my intestine. I have an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and I plan to ask about it. I'm trying not to worry, but I am hurting with just about everything that I intake- water, vitamins, food. This morning, I about doubled over when my calcium citrate tabs hit that spot. I hope it's nothing serious. On the positive side: I went to put on my fave winter suit (Yes, we have "winter" in Florida) and I swear there was enough room for two people inside the jacket! It was wonderful. I stared at myself in the mirror and pulled at the loose fabric. I did a little pirouette and smiled the whole time. I then threw the jacket and pants onto my bed and began my search for something that fits. Oh, poor me.....HA HA HA!!!!!!!! Jan. 20 Hair loss sucks. I was ready to cry this morning as I brushed my freshly-washed hair. I tried to remind myself that it would grow back and I have a thick head of hair to start with. But that was no consolation. On the flip side, I am wearing a size 20 blouse today! It's a bit tight when I sit down, but otherwise it looks good. This weekend I realized that I am smaller now than I was in college. I noticed this on Saturday when I was headed to the theater to see Les Miserables. The dress I was planning on wearing was too big for me to wear! It was an older dress I made during my senior year of college, and I guess I missed my chance to wear it. I'm very happy! Jan. 17 I feel so out of control right now. I want to elaborate, but words are escaping me...yes, I see the irony. I took a long walk last night with a friend's dog as a way to clear my head. It felt good. I wish I enjoyed exercising more, I'm sure it would speed up my loss. Oh well. I guess I will have to take heart in the fact that, as long as I eat decent and not crap (from TB) I will eventually lose the weight. But I am still bummed. Jan. 16 Nothing I am wearing (aside from undies) fits me anymore! What a great feeling. Oh, did I have a wake up call last night. I was a bad girl and ate something I shouldn't have- nachos and a meximelt from Taco Bell...in my defense, I was trying to test my limits. Anyway, about 20-30 minutes later, I had a bad stomach ache. I called my mom and said 'the surgery is working because I feel like crap after eating something bad'. We both laughed. You see, that's why I had surgery in the first place, to make me accountable. We have to eat right or face the consequences, something we've never had to do before. I ended up getting a restless sleep because I felt so yechy and this morning I am newly resolved to be a 'good girl' and drink my water, eat/drink my protein and get this lard off of me! Jan. 15 I got my Just the Cheese snacks today that I ordered last week after support group. They are quite yummy and low carb/high protein. For more, www.specialcheese.com. I am snacking on the Herb and Garlic ones right now while my collegue eats melba toasts. Feeling pretty good today. I had one of my collegues who judged me after surgery apologize for her comments. She also was very curious about my new life, what I eat (she seemed surprise when I told her I could, if I wanted, eat anything but that I choose to make healthy choices.) I don't care if she accepts my choice or not, but at least I don't feel awkward around her anymore. I'm still having issues with soda. Somedays I can drink a soda, no problems. Other times, I get these sharp pains in the area where I believe the pouch is connected to my intestines. It is the wierdest feeling. I got sick last night, but it was my own fault. I ate a pickle with my turkey wrapped in a lettuce leaf and I guess I didn't chew the pickle enough. Next thing I know - mini-heartattack. Ouch. I finally gave up and went into the bathroom and upchucked. I felt immediately better. Oh well, lesson learned. Jan. 14 I ate a part of a sandwich today, three inches of Subway's Italian and boy was it yummy! I haven't had bread in three months and it was a nice treat to myself only now I feel a tad guilty. I want to get off my plateau and I don't know if bread is the way to get in my carbs. I;m doing great ketosis-wise, last night I was 80+ on the little pee-stick. I guess I will up my protein today to make up for the bread, but again, it was so yummy. Jan. 12 I'm sitting at work eating my lunch (string cheese which provides 24 g of protein and about 2 carbs)and pondering "poisionous people" those people who are always putting you down or picking on you or worse, telling you how you were wrong in oh-so-many ways. I work with someone like that. She's a skinny minnie, so I see her as proof that losing all my weight isn't going to "fix" my life. I will still be me when all this bulk is gone. I will need to remember that as the weight goes away. Speaking of weight, I met a woman in my mom's neighborhood who had the surgery three weeks before I did and her doc says to eat anything. She was even eating while she was in the hospital. My doc made me wait a month. It just made me more confused by this "diet" that I am on (high protein low carb) and why others going through the same program as me get to eat whatever they want and still lose weight. Is my doc right, are their docs wrong? Are there no real answers out there? It's very frustrating. On a positive note, I haven't felt ill in a while, meaning I think I am doing just great with food. Speaking of food, I had a funny incident yesterday while over visiting my mom who is about two hours away. We were having sandwiches (I had turkey meat and nothing else) when I ate a bite of pickle. I chewed and chewed then swallowed and I felt the tiny bite of pickle go all the way down my esophagus until it went into my pouch. Once there, I felt it sit for a minute but then something happened. It's hard to put on paper, but it felt like my pouch attacked the pickle. It didn't hurt, it was just really funny. My mom and I got a great laugh Jan. 8 Feelin' good and happy right now. I wore my old 26 pants to work today and every time I felt blue, I pulled the waistband to see how much I've lost. I also got compliments from the girls in the cafeteria. I went in today to order a reuben - grilled on one slice of bread (which I threw away) and told them I'd been doing Atkins (true) and they told me I look great. I agree! Jan. 7 PLATEAU This sucks. I should be happy about the total weight loss, not the fact that I only lost eight pounds last month, but the destructive thoughts keep creeping into my head. Based on their numbers, I had to lose approximately 49 percent of my total body weight. As of today, I have lost 14 percent. So, the way I see it, I've lost 28 percent of my goal....THAT'S AWESOME! I enjoyed my group session today and followed some of the wonderful advice I got from my AMOS support members. I'm a slow loser, so what. I look good, feel great and am about to munch on my first salad since surgery....yum! Jan. 6 I'm feeling better today, not so nervous about tomorrow's checkup. I am so happy I have support from my online community! Their support means the world to me. I am so pleased people are reading my journal. I remember when I began my journey three years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on. In fact, two months post op, I still read as many journals as I can. I find it's nice to see the "real" side of surgery. So far, I really feel I am doing well. One of my friends who hasn't seen me since 1 week post-op called me skinny today. My dad told me he was proud of me and I am actually considering a vacation that would require me wearing a bathing suit a good portion of the time. NONE of these were possible before surgery. So, I've decided it's time to do a list: How surgery has affected me so far: *My knees don't hurt *I found my collarbone *I am down three sizes *I can cross my legs *I moved my seat closer to the steering wheel :) *I can walk to my car in the parking lot without getting tired *I don't feel tight in my skin *I can drink soda again (slowly) Jan. 5 I posted this on the message board: I am turning to you in a moment of weakness and hope you can help brighten my spirits. I had a lap RnY on 11/12/02 and I go this Tuesday for my 8 week follow up. I'm down about 42 pounds and I normally am happy with that loss, but I am lumped in with a group of women (most of them very nice) who had their surgeries the same week as me and I know they are losing faster than I am. One girl at our 1 month follow up had lost 53 pounds and made a comment about another girl who cheated in the first month and was "only down 30 pounds." Meanwhile, that was "all" I'd lost too. That's why I don't want to go. I've read the posts and know the catch phrases, but right now this isn't helping. I am depressed and scared to even go to the doctor. I don't understand why I keep comparing myself to anyone else. I know I should be happy. I've never in my life lost 40+ pounds in two months and this time I know I will keep the weight off. I feel thinner, I am wearing a 22 down from a 28 (32 on the day I left the hosptial because of the swelling :$) Has anyone else gone through this? How can I calm myself down and relax? I got several great responses and sent this out as a thanks. Thank you so much for your support. I know I will get there some day, but today I feel like I tripped over the hurdle and fell flat on my face. I guess I needed my AMOS team members to pick me up and push me on my merry way. I'm so happy I have this team! Jan. 2 HAPPY NEW YEAR! Here's to a new me in 2003. Hair loss has started, slowly, but it has started! This sucks. I really hoped I wouldn't see any loss. I try to get in enough protein, but you know, I guess I don't. I haven't been eating much lately (practically nothing, come to think of it.) Ugh. I guess I will need to do a better job of drinking protein shakes and eating protein-rich foods. Dec. 29 I cannot believe I am writing this, but I have no desire to eat right now. I know I have to get protein in and fuel my body, but I really don't want to eat anything. It is so odd. I feel so good. I actually feel "thin" compared to the big ole blimp I used to be. I am wearing 22 jeans and could probably squeeze my butt into a 20 if I wanted to! I look at photos of myself and still see major weight that needs to be lost, but I am trying to be patient. Well, it's been six weeks and I finally found a protein bar that doesn't taste like a protein bar. This eating protein as a supliment is getting quite old, but I love the way I look (size 22s are getting loose, folks) so I try hard every day to suck down the required 20-35 g either in shakes or bars. I prefer bars, because it makes me feel like I am actually eating real food. I've managed to find a few good protein shakes and spend about $10-15 per week on them. On the surface it seems a lot, but we ordered Chinese food the other day at work and my $1.75 for soup lasted me two days, so the way I figure it, I'm transferring my eating out money to protein shake money. I'm also amazed at all the WLS people who DON'T have to watch their carbs and yet are losing weight. My surgeon says 15 g of carbs or less per day which is very, very hard. I miss carbs. Dec. 26 Update on the scary pains, it turns out they were from too much acid in my stomach. Doc. T put me on Aciphex and I am happy to report, I have not had the problem in two days. Hopefully I won't have to be on meds for a long time, but I don't want the pain back. Christmas was wonderful. . Back in July when I took my mom to group as a way of saying, "hey, this is what I want to do" she was extremely worried about holidays. I cannot remember a holiday or family get-together where at least half the day wasn't spent in the kitchen cooking. This year was no exception, only we ate a lot of protein-rich foods. With my family's support, we had crab dip, salmon dip, the faked potatoes, Chilean Sea Bass, Scallops (both done on the grill in true Florida style!) the cream-cheese cupcakes, scrambled eggs for breakfast and bacon (I had half a piece and didn't enjoy it!) I didn't overeat and I felt so satisfied! The only thing I "missed" was the cocktails my brother mixed, but I solved that by dipping my finger in and touching my tastebuds, so I got to experience the flavor without the booze, calories or carbs! To top it all off, I stepped on the scale this morning and I am down to 245 (from 285!) So while my co-workers are whining about their over indulgences and how much weight they've gained, I can relish in the fact that I am in my "skinny" jeans (size 22 down from a 26/28) and looking great! My only complaint, my acne has flared up...I plan to see a dermatologist as soon as I can get an appointment. Dec. 23 Scary night last night. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. with the most excruciating pain in my stomach. I sat on the edge of the bed holding my tummy and wondering what the heck was going on. The pain lasted for more than 30 minutes before I was able to lay down again and sleep for an hour. Now, this morning, I am feeling puky. I took some Tylenol for my headache and the pills came right back up. It was quite embarrassing, I almost lost it at my desk.... I called the doc's office first thing and they have perscribed something for the acid in my tummy. The doc thinks I am producing too much acid. But why would that cause these horrible pains? I hope that is really all it is. i begin taking the pills tonight. On a more positive note, I survived my first holiday party, no problems! I made my way to the buffet table, confident in my abilities to make the right choices. I bypassed (pun intended) all the deserts, chocolates, finger foods and instead took lots of cheese, a few dips and a piece of turkey. I ended up tossing the turkey and the dips when I got full! I also offered to be the designated driver for my friends, so I didn't miss drinking! I am proud of me! Dec. 19 Just got back from the doc and everything is going well. Weight loss is slow, but I've been eating food (as opposed to my liquid diet) so I guess this is normal. I feel pretty good and today I got into a size 22 pants, down from a 28, so that feels wonderful! I am trying to keep that feeling because there are pasteries and cookies everywhere in my office right now....today is apparently the "desert" day for the place I work. I'm doing fine with it, so far. I ate some protein bar and just had 3 oz of tuna salad so I am stuffed! Boy, I cannot believe that filled me up. Dec. 18 I'm surviving my first week back at work, but having a hard time getting in all my exercise. I've been walking a lot during the day, but I work two jobs and by the time I get home at 7:30 p.m. (after leaving for work at 6:45 a.m.) , I am exhausted and/or don't want to do anything, let alone walk. I hope I can change this defeatist attitude, because I know it is not good for me. I hate when I feel lousy and right now, I am beating myself up over this! I feel pretty good, energy is about a 7 but I am on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I look better, but sometimes I cannot see beyond what I look like today. I wanted to be one of those women who dropped relatively fast, and I feel like I am not dropping fast enough. It's kind of a catch-22, if you ask me. Dec. 15 I'm back at work. I've gotten a few compliments but mostly people are welcoming me back. My first challenge arose when I suddenly had to go to the bathroom and you post-ops will know, when you gotta go, you gotta go. The problem is, my boss was standing at my computer, working on some software. I was a bit embarrassed, but would have been more so if I'd had an accident. Challenge number 2, one of my collegues is selling cookies (home-baked, I might add) for charity and she set them up right behind my desk. I want a cookie...darn head hunger. So far, so good. I'm chugging a protein drink right now instead. Dec. 13 I am having a hard time lately, and I am beginning to wonder why I did this to myself? I know this is a natural progression and I have nothing to worry about, but still. I'm down 30, but one of the girls I had surgery with is down 53, so I immediately wonder, what did I do wrong. I know what I did, or more importantly, what I didn't do...perhaps I didn't get enough protein or get all my walks in. I feel like I've been quite lazy since mom left, partially out of soreness and partially out of loneliness. I'm very alone right now, or so I feel. I'm on soft solids right now...a lot of fish, cheese, eggs and soft veggies. It's nice being able to go to a restaraunt and order food, it makes me feel normal again. Sadly, I knocked myself out of ketosis yesterday and I spent today working hard to get back in. It sucks to think I've gone and blown it. My family is so proud of me. My dad calls me brave, my mom tells me this is going to be fine and my brother says it will all be worth it in the end. I hope so, as I said in the beginning, I am having a very low day today. Nov. 28 Thanksgiving Day. I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I cannot have turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes or any of the traditional TD foods. Nope. My dinner? A protein drink. Yum. OK, I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. I am officially down 22 pounds since surgery two weeks ago. I have also lost 16 inches (from various locations such as my face, arms, belly, hips, chest etc.) That's good, right? I am on week three of the all liquid diet and it is getting harder and harder to be around food. I feel such strong head hunger that it is almost comical. I want to eat everything I see, although the idea of actually doing so makes me a bit sick to my pouch (ha ha.) Speaking of the pouch, I am very gassy when I drink anything. If I drink too fast, I get these intense chest pains. They only last a few minutes, but they are really scary. My doc says they should go away with time. I am doing great, really. I drink about 100 oz of fluids a day, get 70 grams of protein minimum and I am walking two miles every day. I can sleep on my sides, and on my tummy for a short period of time. I am still carrying some stitches...I got half taken out yesterday, the other half will come out on Tuesday. My energy is very low, though. I feel about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I got my doc to allow me to return to work on Dec. 15, thats five days after I get to start eating food again. I am hesitant to go back to work because my company doesn't give a crap about me and I wish I could start a new life to go with my new life. I am working on it, though. I applied for a job in Germany, something I would not have done pre-surgery. Well, I am going to go job hunt while I wait for my friends and family to finish their dinner. I think I'll get my protein drink. Nov. 23 Eleven days post-op and I feel wonderful. I'm down about 20 pounds. I have energy, although I still hate getting in my exercise. I guess I'll have to keep forcing myself! My issues now have moved away from aches and pains to issues with food, liquid and protein. I'll explain more later. I'm able to sleep on my side and, for a brief period of time, on my right side. It is soooooooo nice to be off my back, because I am still sore and get backaches very easily. I have a lot of gas, and burp pretty much all the time. My internal systems have returned to normal and I have no trouble "going" every day. My issues with food are: I WANT TO EAT. Ironically, I am not hungry, it's just that I am sick of the all-liquid diet my doc has me on. Also, I am having big-time issues with head hunger. I'm even dreaming about food. It's tough right now, because I am trying to return to a normal life. In fact, as I write this I am in hiding because I am over at a friends birthday barbeque and they are knoshing on steak, chicken, sausages, salad, corn and soon birthday cake. I ended up having to leave the room. I want to spend time with my friends, and they understand that I can take only so much. Still, this is a SMALL price to pay for that big weight loss. I've never lost 20 pounds so quickly. And the best part? It's gone for good!!!!!!!!! I am so happy I did this. It is big step and definately not the easy way out. There's nothing easy about this! But For me, this was a wonderful choice! Nov. 17 SIX DAYS POST-Op and growing stronger every day! I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, but I feel happy and healthy. I'm never hungry, which I find quite amusing but a pain at the same time, because my brain seems to think it's hungry and is very susceptable to suggestions--such as, a character in a movie I was watching ordered a hamburger, suddenly I wanted a hamburger more than anything in the world. Very, very odd. I've had some fun with my mind-hunger, teasing my mom and friends. I know when I was a pre-op (was it only one week ago?) that I read anyone's journal who told me what I could expect at the hospital. So, I thought I'd share my experience: Got to Holmes Regional Medical Center at 5:30 a.m. and sat around for 30 minutes. Finally called upstairs and into the pre-surgery room. My nerves kicked in. Getting undressed and into the hospital gown was hard. A nurse comes in, takes vitals, another nurse comes in and asks a ton of questions starting with what type of surgery are you having? They were verifying my paperwork, but I thought in my head, "can I get a boob-job instead?" A few minutes later and in comes the anastheisiologist (I spelled it wrong, sorry) He starts the IV and not two minutes later in walks the surgical nurse. We talk about what I can expect and "L's" death the week before. Then she goes, they give me good drugs and I am off to loo loo-ville. Question, why is it when you are loopy is when they try to carry on a serious conversation? I had a hard time seeing straight let alone talking to anyone. OK, maybe 10 minutes later it is last kisses from my mom and into surgical room 3 where there are nurses and a doctor hard at work readying everything for me. I hear odd noises, clanking really, and they ask me to slide onto this teeny table. It's funny now, but I remember briefly thinking they will have to go on the other side to keep me from sliding from the gurney, accross the table and onto the floor. They manage to get me on and then they strap me down. The next anasthesia guy comes over, hooks me to a bazillion wires, give me more drugs, oxygen and tells me they won't knock me out until Dr. T is in the hospital. (It's about 7:15 a.m. and I remember thinking, man, I hope he got a good night sleep and stopped for coffee on the way in.) Suddenly the phone rings and a nurse says 'he's in the building." The guy with the drugs says "goodnight," and that's it. Warm fuzzy takes over and the next memory I have is in recovery when they pulled the NG tube out of my nose.....OUCH. I remember I couldn't form sentences let alone words yet so I grunted my disapproval at them. Suddenly I'm being wheeled into a room. It's six hours later, my mom says, and she kisses me on the head. I feel woozy and someone brings a cool cloth for my head. I remember trying to get my mom to change the calendar on the wall because it said Nov. 8. I don't remember much beyond that. A few hours later, I'm very sore. They started my morphine pump and were insistant I use it. (no problem, I hit that thing every six minutes) I was hurting and wanted to sit so they brought in a recliner. Getting in was fun, I was hooked to the IV, a catheter, oxygen by nasal cannula and a heart monitor. Every time I moved, the heart monitor disconnected. They finally managed to get me into the recliner and I promptly fell asleep. Then the nausea kicked in. It was awful, and very scary. At one point when I was sick, my surgeon walked in. I was scared, cranky and throwing up....what a wonderful time for a visit. He was nice and perscribed something to help. After a few hours I felt better and by midnight I was walking, very, very slowly. Wednesday was a painful day because I got bad gas and my back hurt. I had to be patient, because I couldn't force the gas out so It was a long, long day. Dr. T came and said I was a model patient and he was very pleased. He took off the heart monitor and the catheter, so I was able to move about more. I walked 10 times throughout the day and found myself getting stronger every day. I also met all the bariatric patients who were there. I took a shower and it never felt better! Thursday, Dr. T discontinued the IV and I ate my first "food" chicken broth, Jell-o and a popsicle. I was scared, but followed Dr. T's rules to the measure of the law -- 90cc's of liquid every hour, no more. It was hard to slow down because the food felt so nice on my sore throat, but I was scared of filling up to fast. I am walking better and made it around 10 times. Friday was great because I got to go home. I felt so good, that I went to Wal-Mart afterwords and rode around on one of those electronic carts. It was nice being free. I'm on 64 oz of fluid post-op and finding challenging way to get all that liquid in is hard. I have to walk at leas t20 minutes, 2x per day. So, here I am on Sunday and I am taking my mom and best friend to the ballet. I am a bit concerned about sitting for so long, but I will remember to do my leg circulation exercises. I walked around for an hour today so I got in my exercise. I feel good, although I am tired and a bit light-headed. Thank you everyone for your support. your help and understanding means so much! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* P O S T O P ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Nov. 10 My arm is so bruised where the phlebotemist took blood for my pre-op testing. I cannot believe how bad it is. I'm in the final stretch. I ate my "last meal" today: My doc has me on an all-liquid diet the day before surgery. My bag is packed and I am ready to go. Tomorrow I drink the mag-citrate and finalize my apartment and the remainder of my affairs. Tonight is my last night of work for a long time. I feel kind of wierd. I thought I'd be OK with not going to work for a while, but I feel kind of odd. I worry that I'll lose my standings here, but hey, as a skinny girl, I will be more adpt to leave here for bigger-better things! This is my last posting for a while. I don't have a personal computer, so I guess I'll see you on the other side!!!!!!! Nov. 8 Pre-op testing today. The blood work was the worst. I had a HORRIBLE phlebotemist who didn't listen to me when I told him where my vein was. He stuck me and then proceeded to dig around until he found a vein. Excuse me, but I have donated over two gallons of blood, plus plasm so I know where the heck my veins are. Oh, he made me mad. After the blood it was time for an EKG (no prob) and then the dreaded Arterial Blood Gas. Believe it or not, that was virtually painless. I had no major issues and was surprised when she said, OK, we're done. I met with the anasthesiologist, who said all my labs and PFT look great so I should have no problems. He said I'm going to fly through this and I am now good-to-go for surgery. 10 a.m. Nov. 12. I am sooooo excited, even though my arm hurts from the damn bloodwork (again, not the ABG) Nov. 7 One of my co-workers made an odd comment about L's death that makes me think she'll be mean to me when she finds out about my own surgery. OK, that reads even more petty than it sounds, but I don't like it when people are overtly critical about me. I wish people would understand that this is not a type of plastic surgery like getting a nose job simply because I want to look better. Ok, aesthetics are a big part of it -- yes, I want to be thin -- but I also want to live a long, healthy life and I honestly believe this is my only way. I was watching TV last night and saw Barbara Walters interview Sharon Osbourne. Apparently she had a lap band proceedure in 99. She made an interesting comment - people accept drug addicts more readily than they do fat people. That stuck with me. I'm becoming more aware of who has had this surgery. I saw over the weekend that Roseanne had it, but only lost about 75 pounds because she doesn't follow the program. Proof postive that this surgery is only a tool and requires hard work on the part of the patient. I will need to remember that when I am a post-op. Speaking of becoming a post-op, it's only six days away now. I have two more work days and then I am out. I cannot believe it. I am having a hard time sleeping right now thinking about it. Nov. 5 I've gotten a little more calm about L's death yesterday. I know that I need to stick to the program (vitamins, protein, no junk food and lots of water) to live and I plan to use her death as a reminder to be honest and true to my new life. I cannot imagine dying, but if I don't have surgery, I surely will die. Maybe not in a year and a half, but sooner than I should. Life is going well. I'm in the home stretch- seven days and counting. I've bought some more protein and tried the Met-RX shakes. They are good, the chocolate chai is my favorite by far. I'm on the no-carbs thing, which is really tough, especially tonight. I am at work for an overnight shift and they brought in food - sandwiches from the gourmet deli and pizza. I did well on the pizza (I only ate the cheese) but I must admit I did have half a sandwich. It was hard because I wasn't prepared and the one sandwich I could have picked the meat off of had dijon mayo/mustard on it and I cannot stand the daste of dijon. Oh well. I'm human, right? Nov. 4 I just found out that one of my collegues, one who had the same surgery by the same surgeon, has died. She had the surgery 1 1/2 years ago and everyone who knows her tells me she wasn't following the plan. I'm very , very nervous and upset by this news. I don't know what to do. Do I change my mind? Do I go ahead? Apparently she was worse off health-wise than I am, and she was larger than I am and didn't do what was expected of her. I know that I will follow the plan and I will take my vitamins and I will be a good girl. But I am petrified right now. Nov. 3 My cupboard and fridge are cleared out and fully stocked with protein drinks, liquid protein and Jell-O. I've bought food for the weeklong protein-first liver reduction diet my surgeon perscribed and I am ready to go! I cannot believe its almost my time. Either the next week will fly by or it will drag....I'm banking on it flying by because I have a bizarre work schedule that will take me right into Monday, Nov. 11 - one day before surgery. I've decided to write notes to my loved ones and give them to a trusty friend in case anything happens. I am not trying to be paranoid or mental, but I'd rather be prepared. Writing the notes hasn't been hard, I've never been one to leave anything left unsaid and I think that works for me. I never end a phone call with out an I love you and I always tell my family how I feel. There are no surprises with me. I'm making plans for post-surgery, which is kind of exciting. I've planned a trip to the mall, a trip to walk the beach (only five miles from my house) and rented or borrowed lots and lots of DVDs. I am working to get my house in order --a challenge because no sooner do I get it clean before I've messed it up again. All-in-all, I am ready. Now, if only the next week will fly. 10/31 My last Halloween as a fat girl! I've taken a photo to commemorate the event. I will try to get it posted soon. 10/30 I just had my initial phone consult with the hospital. They say my surgery is scheduled for 9:30 a.m., but the doc's office says 7:30...so I don't really know who to believe. Anyway, the nurse at Holmes was very nice, asked me lots of questions and gave me a bit more info on what to expect when I am there. It made me feel better, but I am still feeling a ton of emotions right now including excitement, fear and anticipation. Argh, how am I ever going to get through the next two weeks? I bought more protein powders and pre-made shakes yesterday in anticipation of surgery. I bought (and actually like) the EAS Simply Protein, 40g protein in 6 - 8 oz, depending how much water you ad. It's nice. I made it last night and brought it for breakfast this morning - a hint at life to come? :) I also bought a few more Atkins pre-made and another Worldwide Protein drink. That last one is very sweet and will kind of be like desert for me, I think. I cleaned out my guest room closet and plan this weekend to organize the clothes. I haven't been sleeping well, a combo of nerves and a wierd work schedule, so I don't have any excuse why I couldn't get this task done. I guess the next time I am up late I will turn off Letterman and go into the guest room instead. I plan on taking measurements this weekend and will start my chart. Believe it or not, I am excited to finally be able to write down the numbers and I won't cringe when I see in writing how fat I truly am because it won't be me much longer! Yeah! 10/29 I am anxious, but excited. I still have a lot of work to do to get everything in order. I have to clean, organize my clothes from my largest sizes to all the smaller (22s, 20s, 18s) that I've kept through my ups and downs, clean out my fridge and eat nothing but protein for the next week starting Sunday. I was given a chance to move up early, but couldn't make it because my mom couldn't be there to take care of me. I wish it had happened early, but it wasn't meant to be. 10/28 I had my first dream about surgery. I've never dreamed myself thin, never imagined what I'd look like without the extra 140 pounds on my frame. But last night, I dreamed about surgery itself. I didn't seem nervous or anxious, but relaxed and calm. I guess I'll need to start dreaming of myself as a thin woman. Can I dare to dream of a petite Jen? My friend Christine has surgery tomorrow, so I called her tonight. She's all excited and nervious and I am so happy for her. I anxiously await until my turn! 10/27 I made a huge shopping trip today and bought my 'liquid diet' for post-op. My doc has a strictly clear-liquid diet for the first month post-op...that includes no protein drinks for the first week, unless of course they are clear liquid. Tomorrow, I plan to go over to the health food store and buy some Isopure clear protein 40g no carbs....I hear that the more protein you eat, the better it is on your hair. So, what exactly will I be eating? chicken broth, beef broth, vegetable broth, sugar free Jell-o, diet sodas (no caffene) Crystal Light, diet Kool-aid, and sugar-free Tang. Yum yum. But hey, if it means 20-40 pounds gone in a month, I will be sooooooooo thrilled to eat nothing. My best bud Z brought over some slippers for me to wear while I am in the hosptial. She's such a good pal. I am upset with my family. They went out and had what sounded like a heckuva celebration without me. They were celebrating my mom's birthday and apparently didn't realized I was working the night shift on Sunday, meaning I could have gone out with them. TO make matters worse, they called me from the restaraunt and rubbed it in that they were having a good time. I yelled at my mom and then, after I hung up, I realized that this would have been my last opportunity to have a celebration like that with my family. You know that old addage, if I knew this was the last time I was going to do something, I'd have had a better time? I feel like that right now. I am going to miss the giant celebrations my family had that surrounded food and eating. I guess I am in mourning or something because I feel like I could cry because I didn't get to go out with them. One week left of real food, then one week of pure protein and then SURGERY!!!!! That's right, two weeks left until I am reborn. I cannot wait...... 10/24 I've bought a few ready-made protein drinks to try: Worldwide Ultra Pure Protein in Cappuccino (yum) Atkins in Chocolate Royale (yum) and Isopure protein, a clear drink that I can drink during the first month of clear liquids only, blue raspbery has a funny smell, but is ok, I guess. I will buy more and drink them during that all-so-important first month, because I heard lots of protein will help prevent or minimalize hair loss. I told my boss yesterday about my surgery. I'm not sure if I made a mistake or not, but I did it. She was a bit odd about it at first, but then when she saw I was comfortable with the idea and actually excited, she was cool with it. She still wants to know how soon I'll be back--I am hoping three weeks is all I'll need, but I will NOT rush. 10/22 Three weeks and counting. Three weeks to a new me! I feel so stuck right now, stuck in my body, stuck in my life, stuck in my job. I'm having one of those days where I can do nothing right and it sucks. On days like these I become quite neurotic and self-defeating. I start to really pick on myself and I begin to let all those self-doubts surface. I feel like I cannot leave my situation until after surgery, so right now all I am doing is coasting until the next three weeks pass. Honestly, three weeks isn't all that long, is it? Not considering I've wanted this surgery for more than three years! 10/21 Sorry it's been so long since updates but I was out of town for the weekend at a work-related conference, which I paid for myself, I might add. I had a great time, learned some interesting things, got some new ideas and made life-long friends with a couple of my collegues. I also ate some of the most yummy food I've had in a while (and enjoyed EVERY minute of it) A few key notes from my weekend: --I told another one of my friends about my upcoming surgery and she was understanding and has now taken to calling me "skinny girl" --I laughed so hard I wet my pants (I hate being so fat that I am now a bit incontinent) Normally this would have devistated me, but I kept thinking, this won't happen anymore when I have lost weight. --I realized that, while one of my friends thinks she's being understanding, she gets on my nerves when she keeps asking me am I ok. Just because I get a bit winded and I say my back is spasming because we just hoofed-it several blocks, does not mean I am not capable of doing it. I just thank god that I am soon going to be physically fit enought to not get so damn tired all the time. I am huge right now, or is it that I am finally allowing myself to accept that I am really, really fat? (Sorry to be so negative, but this is my way of recording these thoughts so that one year, 10 years from now I will remember how I was feeling) I am not super-morbidly obese, (yet) but I sure am close. My stomach skin is very tight when I sit down and I am unable to reach very far. There are personal hygene issues that I am now dealing with (Yuck) and I am snoring a lot because I am suffocating under my own weight. I cannot get comfortable. Every day, I remind myself that I will soon be on the road to being a big loser and I take comfort in that notion. My trip was quite enjoyable and like I said, I bonded with my friends. We had some very interesting conversations and I will treasure their friendships forever. 10/15 I just had McDonalds for lunch - my last McDonalds meal I will eat for a long time!Not that it's a big loss, I might add. I'm beat, having worked the night shift for two nights and then in to the dayshift this morning. I'm curious if I will be less exhausted when I am thinner. 10/14 My 26s don't fit and I feel fat and ugly and glutenous. Its a yechy day and as I was walking to my car on my way to work, I thought 'In one month I will be in surgery.' It's a comforting thought, but at the same time, I feel gross and ugly and humungous and uncomfortable. 10/13 I had a nice weekend in Ft. Lauderdale and West Palm Beach. My friend and I went to several malls looking for button-front pjs (a requirement by my surgeon in the hospital) and I had a hard time finding them. It makes me so angry that all the major department stores: Macy's, Dillards, Belk, Sears, JCPenny assume that if you are fat, you have NO taste what-so-ever. All the jammies I found were old-lady style crap in florally patterns. Stuff I would buy for my grandmother, were she still alive. As the day went on, I got angrier and angrier. It makes me furious that they relegate the fat clothes to the BACK of the store. More people look like me then are skinny in this world, yet we get about 2 percent of the floor space. What are they afraid of? So, as my pal and I wandered through these stores I got madder and madder. Then it hit me. In a month, I will NOT Have to go through this again. In a few short months, I will be in a regular size and one of the "normal" people according to the department store. It was fun to think like that. My doc has a clothing exchange so I hope I don't have to buy any clothes while I am shrinking. So, with that in mind I bid farewell to Lane Bryant and August Max Woman....I said see ya to Claiboure an adeau to Catherines. I say hello to Lillian Rubin and Express. I say hello to Victoria's Secret and Fredericks. How exciting is this?!!!! I also had a sad thought. I wish my grandmother, who was like my second mom and my confidant, I wish she had lived to see me thin. 10/12 Class was interesting and I got a lot of good information. I also got a shopping list of things I need to buy: B12 sublingual (apparently we cannot digest B12 from food post-surgery) Flintstones vitamins with iron (for two months, then we get grownup vitamins) Ketone sticks (to monitor our ketones....) Tums (for calcium, with a side-benefit of helping with gas and acid tummy) button-front PJs. (I'm not sure the logic behind these) We talked about protein drinks and I managed to convince my extremely unhealthaly think friend Kevin to try the drinks with me. Mine are the lo-carb drinks, his are the body-builder ones. We'll then compare notes. I hope he follows up on it. Other things I learned at class: no abdominal exercises for one year post surgery no weighing in for two weeks post surgery beer is not a clear liquid (funny, huh?) after two or three weeks I will really want to chew vitamins=life hold your tummy when you cough (and coughing is good) the Heparin will cause bruises to my stomach My mom is so sweet. She wants to be there during surgery, which I said was silly, since I will be in the OR for hours and then probably be moody and cranky when I am done. Don't get me wrong...I REALLY want her there, but that's selfish of me. I told her to not worry about coming out immediately, because I am going to need her when I am finally sent home. She's planning to stay with me for about 2 weeks. I am happy I'll have someone to help me and hope everything goes well. 10/9 I am approved. It's a go, a yes. This is the day that will change my life forever. Nothing will ever be the same. I am a mix of emotions ranging from fear to excitement. I cannot wait to make this happen yet at the same time, I will never be the same, and I guess I am a bit saddened by that news. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT changing my mind. I just think I am going into a slight mourning phase a bit early. I have education class tomorrow and I don't exactly know what to expect. This is the last step required (aside from pre-op medical testing) and my family is anxiously awaiting the news of what they can expect. My mom stepped up and said she insists on being their on the day of surgery - a relief for me, but at the same time, I don't want her sitting around all worried while I am snoozing away. I told her to wait until we knew more on Thursday night. Another thing, once I go through class, there is a chance I could have surgery early. I'd like that to happen, if possible. I'd really like to have dropped about 30-40 pounds by the time I go back to work....we'll see. For now, I want to stay happy by the fact that I got approved. 10/8 OK, I'm ready to begin researching other doctors. This is crazy. I cannot believe I've heard nothing. I want this soooooo much and it seems to be slipping out of my grasp. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't happen. I'm tired of being fat and unhappy. Tired of being the fat one in my department and tired of being the fat friend. I'm ready to give up. I spoke too soon. At 4:30 p.m. my nurse case manager from Empire BC/BS Called and said (insert heralding trumpets here) that I've BEEN APPROVED!!!!!!!! Yippie, I am soooooooo excited. I screamed in the poor woman's ear and then started to cry. I cannot believe that hurdle is over with. Now I am able to be really nervous about the surgery itsself. 10/7 This is ludicrous. I just called my insurance company again and they said they hadn't received anything from my surgeons office. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH What the heck is going on? 10/3 UPDATE: OK, the excuse given to me by the patient advocate Lisa is that the doctor's office doesn't typically send out information to the insurance company for six to eight weeks before surgery. Sounds sneaky to me. OK, lets go to the calendar, shall we? If I went to the surgeon and got my appointment on Sept. 6 that would be week one, right? So, by that calculation I would have 10 weeks before surgery. Why then would the insurance person Margaret say that everything should be ok and on 9/10 tell me that my PCP has forwarded all my medical records and we should hear something in a week. I feel like I've been given false hope. I told Lisa that I felt like I fell between the cracks. When she got a bit terse with me, she said they had all the October patients ahead of me. I wonder if they are taking on more patients than they can keep track of? I responded to her by saying that I understood they were busy and if they wanted me to take charge of getting approval, I would, after all - it is not my nature to let other people do all this for me. I am way to much of a control freak for this. Anyway, because I got the contact name and number at my insurance company, Margaret faxed the info over so I guess we'll see what happens. I keep thinking back to what it was like in that exam room when Dr. T told me I needed to work hard to make this happen. HA, I think I am working pretty hard, thank you very much. I just got my appointment for the pre-op education class. Oct. 10 is the day. The class comes with a $400 bill, which I knew about, so I am not surprised, but I have a hard time thnking about that bill considering what happened yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I am paying it because without the class, no surgery. Despite all this, I am STILL very excited about my upcoming date. 10/2 Still nothing. Last night I got a call on my cell phone and my heart lept to my throat because I thought it might be the doctor's office saying they'd heard one way or another. I'd like to know whether or not I am approved. If it's no, at least I can figure a way to move on. This not knowing is driving me insane. It's 6 weeks until my date and I know I have a lot to do before then....but I cannot begin any of it until I have a yeah or nea from the insurance company. Boy, this is depressing. 2:20 p.m. I will not panic, I will not panic, I will not panic. I just called pre-certification at my insurance co and the very nice lady said they didn't have any information on my case. It' sbeen almost a month since I went to my surgeon and three weeks since they should have mailed off the packet. OK, I will not panic prematurely. 2:30 p.m. Now I am panicking. Chris in Customer Service at my insurance Co says they have nothing on my request. I'm on the phone now with the surgeon's office. GEEZ, the insurance person at the surgeon's office said her ONLY contact with the insurance company has been through ONE email. I gave her the fax number to send over the information and told her I feel like we wasted an entire month. This is so infuriating. She made it seem like approval is almost automatic. I'm quite upset right now. I asked her to fax over the info and then get back to me TODAY with what she has done. I also asked her, 'do I need to take charge of this, because it goes against my nature to rely on someone else." She said this isn't her first time. So Do I let go???????????????? 10/1 I've started the Adkins plan in hopes of losing a little weight before surgery. I also think the high protein-low carb plan (I will NOT call it a diet) is good practice for my "new" life. I plan to do this for three weeks, take a weekend off and check in with my primary care physician to make sure everything is ok, and then pick it back up for the final three weeks before surgery. If I have surgery that is. I STILL havent heard squat from the insurance company and quite frankly, I don't view this as a good sign. I've been reading all these online journals of people that were approved quickly. Why them and not me, too? I wonder if I haven't been approved yet because I am so technically healthy, if so, that's not fair. There's nothing healthy about me. I cannot sleep the entire night through, I am exhausted all the time, my joints ache under my weight, I am out of breath, my blood pressure is messed up...shall I go on? It seems a bit obvious that there is a problem. Ok, I'm gonna go cry now. This is depressing. 9/30 Nope, still haven't heard. Argh. My brother was out this weekend with his girlfriend, his roommate and her boyfriend. They were wonderful and we had a nice time. They are all so excited for me and my brother - bless him - says this is going to happen. He kept making cute comments like when his girlfriend said I was soft and squishy, he said 'you'd better get used to it now, she's gonna be skin and bones soon.' I told him that I know he worries about me and that he worries I'll die young. I told him I intend to live a long and healthy life so we can be old together. Now, if only the insurance company would cooperate. Oh, on a funny note, I got a claim yesterday that says the insurance co. payed all but .55 of my bloodwork.....funny, huh? Do I really have to spend .37 in stamps for a .55 bill? 9/29 Still no word. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's getting hard. I am so tired all the time and uncomfortable in my skin. I feel prematurely old. 9/26 I am SO angry at my insurance company right now. It's been weeks since my surgeon's office sent off the packet and I haven't heard a darn thing. Then to add insult to injury, I got a letter yesterday saying they won't pay for my visit to my general practitioner because weight-loss related issues are NOT covered. So, what do I do? I have a bad feeling about all this. I will literally die if I don't have surgery. To top it all off, I am having a crummy day. I feel like I am so overwhelmed right now it isn't funny. I'm smothering under bills, pressure and my own body fat. 9/25 I think I have sleep apnea. I cannot remember the last time I slept the whole night. Last night I woke up about every two hours. I hate this. 9/24 Today's message: Things I WILL do when I am thin(ner) * skydive * take up a sport and see if I really am an athletic person trapped in a fat girl's body * buy at least one hoochie mamma outfit and wear it in public * get some professional photographs taken (nothing dirty, mind you) * go to the beach without wanting to magically beam myself from my car into the water and back again * hike in the mountains somewhere * do a charity walk, something I haven't done since college * get my belly button pierced (even if noone sees it but me) * start looking for the next step up in my career * go to a dance 9/22/2002 Yep, still waiting. Friday was my day off from work and I kept hoping I'd get a phone call. Nothing, nada, zilch. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I cannot rest easy. I sleep in fits - tossing and turning. My body aches from my own weight. My shoulders and back hurt. Sleeping isn't even restfull anymore. I hate myself. 9/15 Still waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm hoping to hear something this week RE my approval. I know I will get approved. I threw a baby shower yesterday for one of my best friends and, for the first time in a long, long time, I didn't mind being caught on video tape or in photos because I KNOW I won't look like this much longer. It's kind of a nice feeling, I must say. Another thing, I didn't feel awkward getting up and eating food in front of the people at the shower (most of whom I don't really know) because I knew that this was probably the last time for me to do something like this! It's a very odd feeling, celebrating these "lasts" is very comforting for me right now. 9/8/02 I have a surgery date!!!!!!! November 12 at 7:30 a.m. I am the first surgery of the day. Dr. T recommended me for the lap Roux-en-Y and I am thrilled. I was worried about having to take a long, long time off from work but I hear the recovery from the lap proceedure isn't that bad. I've told family and friends my date and I had to cancle a conference and give up tickets to La Boeheme that night, but I am so excited. It gives me something to look foward to, since work stinks right now. I feel like a big loser, it's about time I become one, right??!!! :) 9/3/02 It's been a long journey so far, but I am really starting to get excited. I've been to two support group meetings, met with the patient coordinator (7/31), the psychiatrist (8/21), my general practitioner (8/23), had all my lab work (8/23), my ultrasound (8/30)and go for my PFT on Friday. But the best news...my surgeon appointment is this Friday (9/6). I am thrilled. I've pulled together quite a team: my family, several close friends, my GP (who is just thrilled for me, quite proud too, I might add) my hairdresser, to help if (and when?) I lose my hair and a couple of post-ops for support. I've begun an exercise routine and am trying to remember to take my vitamins each night. I've found protein bars I like and will be testing a few protein shakes soon. I've read all the good stories, the bad stories and the postings on this website. I'm scared to death but excited at the same time. Yesterday for my job I had to go to the beach...I was embarrassed to stand there all fat and sweaty, but then I thought (this is the last time I will be at this event as a fat person.) It was quite a comforting thought. So, my GP and I talked and we decided to go with the lap. proceedure. Any advice? warnings or comments? I'll try to keep my journal updated Here's to the first step in becoming a big loser! Profile created by ~~Vickie !~~ 3/24/04 If you'd like your profile spruced up you can write to one of the fine HTML Volunteer's here at: htmlhelp@obesityhelp.com
March 20 FOOD IS EVERYWHERE OK, so the war began and our newsroom responded by bringing in Dunkan Donuts. I ate chicken salad and, 1 1/2 hours later had a protein shake. Then the newspaper honored those of us who kicked butt during the Columbia disaster. They gave us cake. I ate two bites and gave my piece away. I then felt guilty and immediately drank 17 oz of water.
March 19 No loss in a few days. It's getting frustrating. II don't know what I'll do if I gain weight this month, probably cry since I am already so stressed out. Maybe I'm losing inches. I guess only time will tell. I hear stress effects us more now that we are post-op. Great. That's something they didn't mention in the pre-op session. I have a stressful job and I haven't been sleeping well.
March 5 I cannot believe how lowsy I feel right now. I just had a EAS Simply Protein drink (35 g) and I feel lightheaded and sluggish and hot. I'm not completely dumping, but I feel yechy, like I want to lay down and take a nap. I can'd do that because as soon as I leave my day job, I have to go to my night job. Yech. I also have to go get labs done, but I sure don't want to do that while I feel lightheaded. Argh.
Feb. 12 Anyone who says this is the "easy way" to lose weight should follow me around for a day. I just ate 1/2 c of greek salad and now I am having a hot flash, I'm dizzy and I want to lay down on the ground under my desk. Think anyone would notice? he he he. Luckily my partner at work is supportive and understanding. I cannot for the life of me figure out what set me off, greek salad is nothing but feta, lettuce, onion(which I picked most of out) and a few olives. I ate mostly the cheese, covered of course in the oil/vinegar dressing. I drank a lot of water before I ate, so I wouldn't eat much and now I feel like crap. I'm not dumping, cause that feels similar to this, but not quite the same. Dumping for me is much worse.
Feb. 10 I can't hear "looking good, Jen" enough these days! I love getting messages like this in my intraoffice cue-- Miss Skinny Minnie! New clothes? You look great! :-) I love the fact that my Brand NEW 20s are now TOO BIG!!!!!!!!!!!! despite the fact that this is the first time I've worn them. I love feeling my collar bone, my hips, my elbows! I love that I don't want to hide anymore when someone breaks out a camera!
Feb. 1 The shuttle has exploded. I've been going non-stop since 9:30 a.m. This is such a disaster for my community, which was built around the space industry. 9:45 a.m. I could use emotional support right now and I feel silly for asking for help. So far, so good. I've gotten a plate of cheese, some luncheon meats, two deviled eggs, a small bottle of water and two diet sodas- one with cafiene to help me go. It's going to be a long, long day. I called my Doc's patient advocate for support and she told me to walk away from the food. That's easier said than done, it's about 15 feet from my desk. I can see it out of the corner of my eye. Ugh. 8:25 p.m. update So far so good with all the food that the paper has brought in. I made some healthy choices- luncheon meat, peanuts, cheese, water. I'm still stressed so my pouch isn't happy but now with emotions running high I feel my resistance running low. The good news, they moved the darned food out of my eyesight (not because I asked them too, but thank goodness they did. It was getting harder and harder to resist the pastries.)
Jan. 23 Stressful day at the paper today, one of our state senators died and I've been on the story since 6:30 a.m. Thank GOD I don't feel hungry anymore because I've been going non-stop for for the past seven hours without so much as a pee break. I did get up to get my water and I did break out an Atkins bar so at least I got a little nutrition. I remember a few months ago and by now, I'd be ready (and willing) to eat a mountain of food. I would be so hungry, or perhaps it was just the idea of not having eating, that I would end up pigging out on anything handy. Fast food was always my first choice, then ice cream, pizza or soup (creamed soup of course!) But not any more! Now, when I did finally get five minutes to go outside and eat, I grabbed my sandwich, ate the meat and cheese from inside it - threw the rest away, thank you- then ate a SF Jell-O cup. I'm satisfied and I am ready to back to work
Jan. 22 I had a good doctor's appointment today: I'm down to 236 OMG!!! This is as skinny as I've ever been in my adult life!!!!! I cannot believe it. Dr. T told me not to focus on the numbers, rather focus on the way I look and feel. He said, 'too many people get focused on the numbers.' I wanted to say, 'I'm one of them!' So, for the next few days, I will try to focus on how good I look and feel and see if that works for me. SO, here goes: ~ I look good. A bit more streamlined. I'm in a 22 pant, 20-22 top and I have only one chin. I can walk in high heels without having my feet swell almost immediately. I can cross my legs. I moved the seat forward in my car. People tell me I am 'melting away' and a complete stranger today from a different department at work told me how good I was looking. ~ I feel energetic. When I get home from my 13 hour days, I no longer feel the need to collapse on the couch. In fact, last night after I got off work, I went grocery shopping at both the health food store and Publix. I then went home and did two loads of laundry, vacuumed my apartment. At the grocery store I found the yummy Detour bars. They do taste like a Snickers. Yum. What a great way to get 35g of protein. I've given up on stressing over high carbs. I figure I get between 10 and 25 on any given day and I look good, so why obsess. I did not have this surgery to go from one eating disorder (basically no control) to another (basically hyper control)
Jan. 21 One of my collegues just told me I am melting away. I will never get tired of hearing that! What I need is a tape of people saying that so I can listen when I am lying in bed miserable with stomach cramps from food/vitamins/water or just breating :) I'm having some issues lately with stomach cramps and a loud gurgling that occurs in the area I think he reattached my intestine. I have an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and I plan to ask about it. I'm trying not to worry, but I am hurting with just about everything that I intake- water, vitamins, food. This morning, I about doubled over when my calcium citrate tabs hit that spot. I hope it's nothing serious. On the positive side: I went to put on my fave winter suit (Yes, we have "winter" in Florida) and I swear there was enough room for two people inside the jacket! It was wonderful. I stared at myself in the mirror and pulled at the loose fabric. I did a little pirouette and smiled the whole time. I then threw the jacket and pants onto my bed and began my search for something that fits. Oh, poor me.....HA HA HA!!!!!!!!
Jan. 20 Hair loss sucks. I was ready to cry this morning as I brushed my freshly-washed hair. I tried to remind myself that it would grow back and I have a thick head of hair to start with. But that was no consolation. On the flip side, I am wearing a size 20 blouse today! It's a bit tight when I sit down, but otherwise it looks good. This weekend I realized that I am smaller now than I was in college. I noticed this on Saturday when I was headed to the theater to see Les Miserables. The dress I was planning on wearing was too big for me to wear! It was an older dress I made during my senior year of college, and I guess I missed my chance to wear it. I'm very happy!
Jan. 17 I feel so out of control right now. I want to elaborate, but words are escaping me...yes, I see the irony. I took a long walk last night with a friend's dog as a way to clear my head. It felt good. I wish I enjoyed exercising more, I'm sure it would speed up my loss. Oh well. I guess I will have to take heart in the fact that, as long as I eat decent and not crap (from TB) I will eventually lose the weight. But I am still bummed.
Jan. 16 Nothing I am wearing (aside from undies) fits me anymore! What a great feeling. Oh, did I have a wake up call last night. I was a bad girl and ate something I shouldn't have- nachos and a meximelt from Taco Bell...in my defense, I was trying to test my limits. Anyway, about 20-30 minutes later, I had a bad stomach ache. I called my mom and said 'the surgery is working because I feel like crap after eating something bad'. We both laughed. You see, that's why I had surgery in the first place, to make me accountable. We have to eat right or face the consequences, something we've never had to do before. I ended up getting a restless sleep because I felt so yechy and this morning I am newly resolved to be a 'good girl' and drink my water, eat/drink my protein and get this lard off of me!
Jan. 15 I got my Just the Cheese snacks today that I ordered last week after support group. They are quite yummy and low carb/high protein. For more, www.specialcheese.com. I am snacking on the Herb and Garlic ones right now while my collegue eats melba toasts. Feeling pretty good today. I had one of my collegues who judged me after surgery apologize for her comments. She also was very curious about my new life, what I eat (she seemed surprise when I told her I could, if I wanted, eat anything but that I choose to make healthy choices.) I don't care if she accepts my choice or not, but at least I don't feel awkward around her anymore. I'm still having issues with soda. Somedays I can drink a soda, no problems. Other times, I get these sharp pains in the area where I believe the pouch is connected to my intestines. It is the wierdest feeling. I got sick last night, but it was my own fault. I ate a pickle with my turkey wrapped in a lettuce leaf and I guess I didn't chew the pickle enough. Next thing I know - mini-heartattack. Ouch. I finally gave up and went into the bathroom and upchucked. I felt immediately better. Oh well, lesson learned.
Jan. 14 I ate a part of a sandwich today, three inches of Subway's Italian and boy was it yummy! I haven't had bread in three months and it was a nice treat to myself only now I feel a tad guilty. I want to get off my plateau and I don't know if bread is the way to get in my carbs. I;m doing great ketosis-wise, last night I was 80+ on the little pee-stick. I guess I will up my protein today to make up for the bread, but again, it was so yummy.
Jan. 12 I'm sitting at work eating my lunch (string cheese which provides 24 g of protein and about 2 carbs)and pondering "poisionous people" those people who are always putting you down or picking on you or worse, telling you how you were wrong in oh-so-many ways. I work with someone like that. She's a skinny minnie, so I see her as proof that losing all my weight isn't going to "fix" my life. I will still be me when all this bulk is gone. I will need to remember that as the weight goes away. Speaking of weight, I met a woman in my mom's neighborhood who had the surgery three weeks before I did and her doc says to eat anything. She was even eating while she was in the hospital. My doc made me wait a month. It just made me more confused by this "diet" that I am on (high protein low carb) and why others going through the same program as me get to eat whatever they want and still lose weight. Is my doc right, are their docs wrong? Are there no real answers out there? It's very frustrating. On a positive note, I haven't felt ill in a while, meaning I think I am doing just great with food. Speaking of food, I had a funny incident yesterday while over visiting my mom who is about two hours away. We were having sandwiches (I had turkey meat and nothing else) when I ate a bite of pickle. I chewed and chewed then swallowed and I felt the tiny bite of pickle go all the way down my esophagus until it went into my pouch. Once there, I felt it sit for a minute but then something happened. It's hard to put on paper, but it felt like my pouch attacked the pickle. It didn't hurt, it was just really funny. My mom and I got a great laugh
Jan. 8 Feelin' good and happy right now. I wore my old 26 pants to work today and every time I felt blue, I pulled the waistband to see how much I've lost. I also got compliments from the girls in the cafeteria. I went in today to order a reuben - grilled on one slice of bread (which I threw away) and told them I'd been doing Atkins (true) and they told me I look great. I agree!
Jan. 7 PLATEAU This sucks. I should be happy about the total weight loss, not the fact that I only lost eight pounds last month, but the destructive thoughts keep creeping into my head. Based on their numbers, I had to lose approximately 49 percent of my total body weight. As of today, I have lost 14 percent. So, the way I see it, I've lost 28 percent of my goal....THAT'S AWESOME! I enjoyed my group session today and followed some of the wonderful advice I got from my AMOS support members. I'm a slow loser, so what. I look good, feel great and am about to munch on my first salad since surgery....yum!
Jan. 6 I'm feeling better today, not so nervous about tomorrow's checkup. I am so happy I have support from my online community! Their support means the world to me. I am so pleased people are reading my journal. I remember when I began my journey three years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on. In fact, two months post op, I still read as many journals as I can. I find it's nice to see the "real" side of surgery. So far, I really feel I am doing well. One of my friends who hasn't seen me since 1 week post-op called me skinny today. My dad told me he was proud of me and I am actually considering a vacation that would require me wearing a bathing suit a good portion of the time. NONE of these were possible before surgery. So, I've decided it's time to do a list: How surgery has affected me so far: *My knees don't hurt *I found my collarbone *I am down three sizes *I can cross my legs *I moved my seat closer to the steering wheel :) *I can walk to my car in the parking lot without getting tired *I don't feel tight in my skin *I can drink soda again (slowly)
Jan. 5 I posted this on the message board: I am turning to you in a moment of weakness and hope you can help brighten my spirits. I had a lap RnY on 11/12/02 and I go this Tuesday for my 8 week follow up. I'm down about 42 pounds and I normally am happy with that loss, but I am lumped in with a group of women (most of them very nice) who had their surgeries the same week as me and I know they are losing faster than I am. One girl at our 1 month follow up had lost 53 pounds and made a comment about another girl who cheated in the first month and was "only down 30 pounds." Meanwhile, that was "all" I'd lost too. That's why I don't want to go. I've read the posts and know the catch phrases, but right now this isn't helping. I am depressed and scared to even go to the doctor. I don't understand why I keep comparing myself to anyone else. I know I should be happy. I've never in my life lost 40+ pounds in two months and this time I know I will keep the weight off. I feel thinner, I am wearing a 22 down from a 28 (32 on the day I left the hosptial because of the swelling :$) Has anyone else gone through this? How can I calm myself down and relax? I got several great responses and sent this out as a thanks. Thank you so much for your support. I know I will get there some day, but today I feel like I tripped over the hurdle and fell flat on my face. I guess I needed my AMOS team members to pick me up and push me on my merry way. I'm so happy I have this team!
Jan. 2 HAPPY NEW YEAR! Here's to a new me in 2003. Hair loss has started, slowly, but it has started! This sucks. I really hoped I wouldn't see any loss. I try to get in enough protein, but you know, I guess I don't. I haven't been eating much lately (practically nothing, come to think of it.) Ugh. I guess I will need to do a better job of drinking protein shakes and eating protein-rich foods.
Dec. 29 I cannot believe I am writing this, but I have no desire to eat right now. I know I have to get protein in and fuel my body, but I really don't want to eat anything. It is so odd. I feel so good. I actually feel "thin" compared to the big ole blimp I used to be. I am wearing 22 jeans and could probably squeeze my butt into a 20 if I wanted to! I look at photos of myself and still see major weight that needs to be lost, but I am trying to be patient. Well, it's been six weeks and I finally found a protein bar that doesn't taste like a protein bar. This eating protein as a supliment is getting quite old, but I love the way I look (size 22s are getting loose, folks) so I try hard every day to suck down the required 20-35 g either in shakes or bars. I prefer bars, because it makes me feel like I am actually eating real food. I've managed to find a few good protein shakes and spend about $10-15 per week on them. On the surface it seems a lot, but we ordered Chinese food the other day at work and my $1.75 for soup lasted me two days, so the way I figure it, I'm transferring my eating out money to protein shake money. I'm also amazed at all the WLS people who DON'T have to watch their carbs and yet are losing weight. My surgeon says 15 g of carbs or less per day which is very, very hard. I miss carbs.
Dec. 26 Update on the scary pains, it turns out they were from too much acid in my stomach. Doc. T put me on Aciphex and I am happy to report, I have not had the problem in two days. Hopefully I won't have to be on meds for a long time, but I don't want the pain back. Christmas was wonderful. . Back in July when I took my mom to group as a way of saying, "hey, this is what I want to do" she was extremely worried about holidays. I cannot remember a holiday or family get-together where at least half the day wasn't spent in the kitchen cooking. This year was no exception, only we ate a lot of protein-rich foods. With my family's support, we had crab dip, salmon dip, the faked potatoes, Chilean Sea Bass, Scallops (both done on the grill in true Florida style!) the cream-cheese cupcakes, scrambled eggs for breakfast and bacon (I had half a piece and didn't enjoy it!) I didn't overeat and I felt so satisfied! The only thing I "missed" was the cocktails my brother mixed, but I solved that by dipping my finger in and touching my tastebuds, so I got to experience the flavor without the booze, calories or carbs! To top it all off, I stepped on the scale this morning and I am down to 245 (from 285!) So while my co-workers are whining about their over indulgences and how much weight they've gained, I can relish in the fact that I am in my "skinny" jeans (size 22 down from a 26/28) and looking great! My only complaint, my acne has flared up...I plan to see a dermatologist as soon as I can get an appointment.
Dec. 23 Scary night last night. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. with the most excruciating pain in my stomach. I sat on the edge of the bed holding my tummy and wondering what the heck was going on. The pain lasted for more than 30 minutes before I was able to lay down again and sleep for an hour. Now, this morning, I am feeling puky. I took some Tylenol for my headache and the pills came right back up. It was quite embarrassing, I almost lost it at my desk.... I called the doc's office first thing and they have perscribed something for the acid in my tummy. The doc thinks I am producing too much acid. But why would that cause these horrible pains? I hope that is really all it is. i begin taking the pills tonight. On a more positive note, I survived my first holiday party, no problems! I made my way to the buffet table, confident in my abilities to make the right choices. I bypassed (pun intended) all the deserts, chocolates, finger foods and instead took lots of cheese, a few dips and a piece of turkey. I ended up tossing the turkey and the dips when I got full! I also offered to be the designated driver for my friends, so I didn't miss drinking! I am proud of me!
Dec. 19 Just got back from the doc and everything is going well. Weight loss is slow, but I've been eating food (as opposed to my liquid diet) so I guess this is normal. I feel pretty good and today I got into a size 22 pants, down from a 28, so that feels wonderful! I am trying to keep that feeling because there are pasteries and cookies everywhere in my office right now....today is apparently the "desert" day for the place I work. I'm doing fine with it, so far. I ate some protein bar and just had 3 oz of tuna salad so I am stuffed! Boy, I cannot believe that filled me up.
Dec. 18 I'm surviving my first week back at work, but having a hard time getting in all my exercise. I've been walking a lot during the day, but I work two jobs and by the time I get home at 7:30 p.m. (after leaving for work at 6:45 a.m.) , I am exhausted and/or don't want to do anything, let alone walk. I hope I can change this defeatist attitude, because I know it is not good for me. I hate when I feel lousy and right now, I am beating myself up over this! I feel pretty good, energy is about a 7 but I am on an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I look better, but sometimes I cannot see beyond what I look like today. I wanted to be one of those women who dropped relatively fast, and I feel like I am not dropping fast enough. It's kind of a catch-22, if you ask me.
Dec. 15 I'm back at work. I've gotten a few compliments but mostly people are welcoming me back. My first challenge arose when I suddenly had to go to the bathroom and you post-ops will know, when you gotta go, you gotta go. The problem is, my boss was standing at my computer, working on some software. I was a bit embarrassed, but would have been more so if I'd had an accident. Challenge number 2, one of my collegues is selling cookies (home-baked, I might add) for charity and she set them up right behind my desk. I want a cookie...darn head hunger. So far, so good. I'm chugging a protein drink right now instead.
Dec. 13 I am having a hard time lately, and I am beginning to wonder why I did this to myself? I know this is a natural progression and I have nothing to worry about, but still. I'm down 30, but one of the girls I had surgery with is down 53, so I immediately wonder, what did I do wrong. I know what I did, or more importantly, what I didn't do...perhaps I didn't get enough protein or get all my walks in. I feel like I've been quite lazy since mom left, partially out of soreness and partially out of loneliness. I'm very alone right now, or so I feel. I'm on soft solids right now...a lot of fish, cheese, eggs and soft veggies. It's nice being able to go to a restaraunt and order food, it makes me feel normal again. Sadly, I knocked myself out of ketosis yesterday and I spent today working hard to get back in. It sucks to think I've gone and blown it. My family is so proud of me. My dad calls me brave, my mom tells me this is going to be fine and my brother says it will all be worth it in the end. I hope so, as I said in the beginning, I am having a very low day today.
Nov. 28 Thanksgiving Day. I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I cannot have turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes or any of the traditional TD foods. Nope. My dinner? A protein drink. Yum. OK, I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. I am officially down 22 pounds since surgery two weeks ago. I have also lost 16 inches (from various locations such as my face, arms, belly, hips, chest etc.) That's good, right? I am on week three of the all liquid diet and it is getting harder and harder to be around food. I feel such strong head hunger that it is almost comical. I want to eat everything I see, although the idea of actually doing so makes me a bit sick to my pouch (ha ha.) Speaking of the pouch, I am very gassy when I drink anything. If I drink too fast, I get these intense chest pains. They only last a few minutes, but they are really scary. My doc says they should go away with time. I am doing great, really. I drink about 100 oz of fluids a day, get 70 grams of protein minimum and I am walking two miles every day. I can sleep on my sides, and on my tummy for a short period of time. I am still carrying some stitches...I got half taken out yesterday, the other half will come out on Tuesday. My energy is very low, though. I feel about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I got my doc to allow me to return to work on Dec. 15, thats five days after I get to start eating food again. I am hesitant to go back to work because my company doesn't give a crap about me and I wish I could start a new life to go with my new life. I am working on it, though. I applied for a job in Germany, something I would not have done pre-surgery. Well, I am going to go job hunt while I wait for my friends and family to finish their dinner. I think I'll get my protein drink.
Nov. 23 Eleven days post-op and I feel wonderful. I'm down about 20 pounds. I have energy, although I still hate getting in my exercise. I guess I'll have to keep forcing myself! My issues now have moved away from aches and pains to issues with food, liquid and protein. I'll explain more later. I'm able to sleep on my side and, for a brief period of time, on my right side. It is soooooooo nice to be off my back, because I am still sore and get backaches very easily. I have a lot of gas, and burp pretty much all the time. My internal systems have returned to normal and I have no trouble "going" every day. My issues with food are: I WANT TO EAT. Ironically, I am not hungry, it's just that I am sick of the all-liquid diet my doc has me on. Also, I am having big-time issues with head hunger. I'm even dreaming about food. It's tough right now, because I am trying to return to a normal life. In fact, as I write this I am in hiding because I am over at a friends birthday barbeque and they are knoshing on steak, chicken, sausages, salad, corn and soon birthday cake. I ended up having to leave the room. I want to spend time with my friends, and they understand that I can take only so much. Still, this is a SMALL price to pay for that big weight loss. I've never lost 20 pounds so quickly. And the best part? It's gone for good!!!!!!!!! I am so happy I did this. It is big step and definately not the easy way out. There's nothing easy about this! But For me, this was a wonderful choice!
Nov. 17 SIX DAYS POST-Op and growing stronger every day! I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, but I feel happy and healthy. I'm never hungry, which I find quite amusing but a pain at the same time, because my brain seems to think it's hungry and is very susceptable to suggestions--such as, a character in a movie I was watching ordered a hamburger, suddenly I wanted a hamburger more than anything in the world. Very, very odd. I've had some fun with my mind-hunger, teasing my mom and friends. I know when I was a pre-op (was it only one week ago?) that I read anyone's journal who told me what I could expect at the hospital. So, I thought I'd share my experience: Got to Holmes Regional Medical Center at 5:30 a.m. and sat around for 30 minutes. Finally called upstairs and into the pre-surgery room. My nerves kicked in. Getting undressed and into the hospital gown was hard. A nurse comes in, takes vitals, another nurse comes in and asks a ton of questions starting with what type of surgery are you having? They were verifying my paperwork, but I thought in my head, "can I get a boob-job instead?" A few minutes later and in comes the anastheisiologist (I spelled it wrong, sorry) He starts the IV and not two minutes later in walks the surgical nurse. We talk about what I can expect and "L's" death the week before. Then she goes, they give me good drugs and I am off to loo loo-ville. Question, why is it when you are loopy is when they try to carry on a serious conversation? I had a hard time seeing straight let alone talking to anyone. OK, maybe 10 minutes later it is last kisses from my mom and into surgical room 3 where there are nurses and a doctor hard at work readying everything for me. I hear odd noises, clanking really, and they ask me to slide onto this teeny table. It's funny now, but I remember briefly thinking they will have to go on the other side to keep me from sliding from the gurney, accross the table and onto the floor. They manage to get me on and then they strap me down. The next anasthesia guy comes over, hooks me to a bazillion wires, give me more drugs, oxygen and tells me they won't knock me out until Dr. T is in the hospital. (It's about 7:15 a.m. and I remember thinking, man, I hope he got a good night sleep and stopped for coffee on the way in.) Suddenly the phone rings and a nurse says 'he's in the building." The guy with the drugs says "goodnight," and that's it. Warm fuzzy takes over and the next memory I have is in recovery when they pulled the NG tube out of my nose.....OUCH. I remember I couldn't form sentences let alone words yet so I grunted my disapproval at them. Suddenly I'm being wheeled into a room. It's six hours later, my mom says, and she kisses me on the head. I feel woozy and someone brings a cool cloth for my head. I remember trying to get my mom to change the calendar on the wall because it said Nov. 8. I don't remember much beyond that. A few hours later, I'm very sore. They started my morphine pump and were insistant I use it. (no problem, I hit that thing every six minutes) I was hurting and wanted to sit so they brought in a recliner. Getting in was fun, I was hooked to the IV, a catheter, oxygen by nasal cannula and a heart monitor. Every time I moved, the heart monitor disconnected. They finally managed to get me into the recliner and I promptly fell asleep. Then the nausea kicked in. It was awful, and very scary. At one point when I was sick, my surgeon walked in. I was scared, cranky and throwing up....what a wonderful time for a visit. He was nice and perscribed something to help. After a few hours I felt better and by midnight I was walking, very, very slowly. Wednesday was a painful day because I got bad gas and my back hurt. I had to be patient, because I couldn't force the gas out so It was a long, long day. Dr. T came and said I was a model patient and he was very pleased. He took off the heart monitor and the catheter, so I was able to move about more. I walked 10 times throughout the day and found myself getting stronger every day. I also met all the bariatric patients who were there. I took a shower and it never felt better! Thursday, Dr. T discontinued the IV and I ate my first "food" chicken broth, Jell-o and a popsicle. I was scared, but followed Dr. T's rules to the measure of the law -- 90cc's of liquid every hour, no more. It was hard to slow down because the food felt so nice on my sore throat, but I was scared of filling up to fast. I am walking better and made it around 10 times. Friday was great because I got to go home. I felt so good, that I went to Wal-Mart afterwords and rode around on one of those electronic carts. It was nice being free. I'm on 64 oz of fluid post-op and finding challenging way to get all that liquid in is hard. I have to walk at leas t20 minutes, 2x per day. So, here I am on Sunday and I am taking my mom and best friend to the ballet. I am a bit concerned about sitting for so long, but I will remember to do my leg circulation exercises. I walked around for an hour today so I got in my exercise. I feel good, although I am tired and a bit light-headed. Thank you everyone for your support. your help and understanding means so much! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* P O S T O P ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nov. 10 My arm is so bruised where the phlebotemist took blood for my pre-op testing. I cannot believe how bad it is. I'm in the final stretch. I ate my "last meal" today: My doc has me on an all-liquid diet the day before surgery. My bag is packed and I am ready to go. Tomorrow I drink the mag-citrate and finalize my apartment and the remainder of my affairs. Tonight is my last night of work for a long time. I feel kind of wierd. I thought I'd be OK with not going to work for a while, but I feel kind of odd. I worry that I'll lose my standings here, but hey, as a skinny girl, I will be more adpt to leave here for bigger-better things! This is my last posting for a while. I don't have a personal computer, so I guess I'll see you on the other side!!!!!!!
Nov. 8 Pre-op testing today. The blood work was the worst. I had a HORRIBLE phlebotemist who didn't listen to me when I told him where my vein was. He stuck me and then proceeded to dig around until he found a vein. Excuse me, but I have donated over two gallons of blood, plus plasm so I know where the heck my veins are. Oh, he made me mad. After the blood it was time for an EKG (no prob) and then the dreaded Arterial Blood Gas. Believe it or not, that was virtually painless. I had no major issues and was surprised when she said, OK, we're done. I met with the anasthesiologist, who said all my labs and PFT look great so I should have no problems. He said I'm going to fly through this and I am now good-to-go for surgery. 10 a.m. Nov. 12. I am sooooo excited, even though my arm hurts from the damn bloodwork (again, not the ABG)
Nov. 7 One of my co-workers made an odd comment about L's death that makes me think she'll be mean to me when she finds out about my own surgery. OK, that reads even more petty than it sounds, but I don't like it when people are overtly critical about me. I wish people would understand that this is not a type of plastic surgery like getting a nose job simply because I want to look better. Ok, aesthetics are a big part of it -- yes, I want to be thin -- but I also want to live a long, healthy life and I honestly believe this is my only way. I was watching TV last night and saw Barbara Walters interview Sharon Osbourne. Apparently she had a lap band proceedure in 99. She made an interesting comment - people accept drug addicts more readily than they do fat people. That stuck with me. I'm becoming more aware of who has had this surgery. I saw over the weekend that Roseanne had it, but only lost about 75 pounds because she doesn't follow the program. Proof postive that this surgery is only a tool and requires hard work on the part of the patient. I will need to remember that when I am a post-op. Speaking of becoming a post-op, it's only six days away now. I have two more work days and then I am out. I cannot believe it. I am having a hard time sleeping right now thinking about it.
Nov. 5 I've gotten a little more calm about L's death yesterday. I know that I need to stick to the program (vitamins, protein, no junk food and lots of water) to live and I plan to use her death as a reminder to be honest and true to my new life. I cannot imagine dying, but if I don't have surgery, I surely will die. Maybe not in a year and a half, but sooner than I should. Life is going well. I'm in the home stretch- seven days and counting. I've bought some more protein and tried the Met-RX shakes. They are good, the chocolate chai is my favorite by far. I'm on the no-carbs thing, which is really tough, especially tonight. I am at work for an overnight shift and they brought in food - sandwiches from the gourmet deli and pizza. I did well on the pizza (I only ate the cheese) but I must admit I did have half a sandwich. It was hard because I wasn't prepared and the one sandwich I could have picked the meat off of had dijon mayo/mustard on it and I cannot stand the daste of dijon. Oh well. I'm human, right?
Nov. 4 I just found out that one of my collegues, one who had the same surgery by the same surgeon, has died. She had the surgery 1 1/2 years ago and everyone who knows her tells me she wasn't following the plan. I'm very , very nervous and upset by this news. I don't know what to do. Do I change my mind? Do I go ahead? Apparently she was worse off health-wise than I am, and she was larger than I am and didn't do what was expected of her. I know that I will follow the plan and I will take my vitamins and I will be a good girl. But I am petrified right now.
Nov. 3 My cupboard and fridge are cleared out and fully stocked with protein drinks, liquid protein and Jell-O. I've bought food for the weeklong protein-first liver reduction diet my surgeon perscribed and I am ready to go! I cannot believe its almost my time. Either the next week will fly by or it will drag....I'm banking on it flying by because I have a bizarre work schedule that will take me right into Monday, Nov. 11 - one day before surgery. I've decided to write notes to my loved ones and give them to a trusty friend in case anything happens. I am not trying to be paranoid or mental, but I'd rather be prepared. Writing the notes hasn't been hard, I've never been one to leave anything left unsaid and I think that works for me. I never end a phone call with out an I love you and I always tell my family how I feel. There are no surprises with me. I'm making plans for post-surgery, which is kind of exciting. I've planned a trip to the mall, a trip to walk the beach (only five miles from my house) and rented or borrowed lots and lots of DVDs. I am working to get my house in order --a challenge because no sooner do I get it clean before I've messed it up again. All-in-all, I am ready. Now, if only the next week will fly.
10/31 My last Halloween as a fat girl! I've taken a photo to commemorate the event. I will try to get it posted soon.
10/30 I just had my initial phone consult with the hospital. They say my surgery is scheduled for 9:30 a.m., but the doc's office says 7:30...so I don't really know who to believe. Anyway, the nurse at Holmes was very nice, asked me lots of questions and gave me a bit more info on what to expect when I am there. It made me feel better, but I am still feeling a ton of emotions right now including excitement, fear and anticipation. Argh, how am I ever going to get through the next two weeks? I bought more protein powders and pre-made shakes yesterday in anticipation of surgery. I bought (and actually like) the EAS Simply Protein, 40g protein in 6 - 8 oz, depending how much water you ad. It's nice. I made it last night and brought it for breakfast this morning - a hint at life to come? :) I also bought a few more Atkins pre-made and another Worldwide Protein drink. That last one is very sweet and will kind of be like desert for me, I think. I cleaned out my guest room closet and plan this weekend to organize the clothes. I haven't been sleeping well, a combo of nerves and a wierd work schedule, so I don't have any excuse why I couldn't get this task done. I guess the next time I am up late I will turn off Letterman and go into the guest room instead. I plan on taking measurements this weekend and will start my chart. Believe it or not, I am excited to finally be able to write down the numbers and I won't cringe when I see in writing how fat I truly am because it won't be me much longer! Yeah!
10/29 I am anxious, but excited. I still have a lot of work to do to get everything in order. I have to clean, organize my clothes from my largest sizes to all the smaller (22s, 20s, 18s) that I've kept through my ups and downs, clean out my fridge and eat nothing but protein for the next week starting Sunday. I was given a chance to move up early, but couldn't make it because my mom couldn't be there to take care of me. I wish it had happened early, but it wasn't meant to be.
10/28 I had my first dream about surgery. I've never dreamed myself thin, never imagined what I'd look like without the extra 140 pounds on my frame. But last night, I dreamed about surgery itself. I didn't seem nervous or anxious, but relaxed and calm. I guess I'll need to start dreaming of myself as a thin woman. Can I dare to dream of a petite Jen? My friend Christine has surgery tomorrow, so I called her tonight. She's all excited and nervious and I am so happy for her. I anxiously await until my turn!
10/27 I made a huge shopping trip today and bought my 'liquid diet' for post-op. My doc has a strictly clear-liquid diet for the first month post-op...that includes no protein drinks for the first week, unless of course they are clear liquid. Tomorrow, I plan to go over to the health food store and buy some Isopure clear protein 40g no carbs....I hear that the more protein you eat, the better it is on your hair. So, what exactly will I be eating? chicken broth, beef broth, vegetable broth, sugar free Jell-o, diet sodas (no caffene) Crystal Light, diet Kool-aid, and sugar-free Tang. Yum yum. But hey, if it means 20-40 pounds gone in a month, I will be sooooooooo thrilled to eat nothing. My best bud Z brought over some slippers for me to wear while I am in the hosptial. She's such a good pal. I am upset with my family. They went out and had what sounded like a heckuva celebration without me. They were celebrating my mom's birthday and apparently didn't realized I was working the night shift on Sunday, meaning I could have gone out with them. TO make matters worse, they called me from the restaraunt and rubbed it in that they were having a good time. I yelled at my mom and then, after I hung up, I realized that this would have been my last opportunity to have a celebration like that with my family. You know that old addage, if I knew this was the last time I was going to do something, I'd have had a better time? I feel like that right now. I am going to miss the giant celebrations my family had that surrounded food and eating. I guess I am in mourning or something because I feel like I could cry because I didn't get to go out with them. One week left of real food, then one week of pure protein and then SURGERY!!!!! That's right, two weeks left until I am reborn. I cannot wait......
10/24 I've bought a few ready-made protein drinks to try: Worldwide Ultra Pure Protein in Cappuccino (yum) Atkins in Chocolate Royale (yum) and Isopure protein, a clear drink that I can drink during the first month of clear liquids only, blue raspbery has a funny smell, but is ok, I guess. I will buy more and drink them during that all-so-important first month, because I heard lots of protein will help prevent or minimalize hair loss. I told my boss yesterday about my surgery. I'm not sure if I made a mistake or not, but I did it. She was a bit odd about it at first, but then when she saw I was comfortable with the idea and actually excited, she was cool with it. She still wants to know how soon I'll be back--I am hoping three weeks is all I'll need, but I will NOT rush.
10/22 Three weeks and counting. Three weeks to a new me! I feel so stuck right now, stuck in my body, stuck in my life, stuck in my job. I'm having one of those days where I can do nothing right and it sucks. On days like these I become quite neurotic and self-defeating. I start to really pick on myself and I begin to let all those self-doubts surface. I feel like I cannot leave my situation until after surgery, so right now all I am doing is coasting until the next three weeks pass. Honestly, three weeks isn't all that long, is it? Not considering I've wanted this surgery for more than three years!
10/21 Sorry it's been so long since updates but I was out of town for the weekend at a work-related conference, which I paid for myself, I might add. I had a great time, learned some interesting things, got some new ideas and made life-long friends with a couple of my collegues. I also ate some of the most yummy food I've had in a while (and enjoyed EVERY minute of it) A few key notes from my weekend: --I told another one of my friends about my upcoming surgery and she was understanding and has now taken to calling me "skinny girl" --I laughed so hard I wet my pants (I hate being so fat that I am now a bit incontinent) Normally this would have devistated me, but I kept thinking, this won't happen anymore when I have lost weight. --I realized that, while one of my friends thinks she's being understanding, she gets on my nerves when she keeps asking me am I ok. Just because I get a bit winded and I say my back is spasming because we just hoofed-it several blocks, does not mean I am not capable of doing it. I just thank god that I am soon going to be physically fit enought to not get so damn tired all the time. I am huge right now, or is it that I am finally allowing myself to accept that I am really, really fat? (Sorry to be so negative, but this is my way of recording these thoughts so that one year, 10 years from now I will remember how I was feeling) I am not super-morbidly obese, (yet) but I sure am close. My stomach skin is very tight when I sit down and I am unable to reach very far. There are personal hygene issues that I am now dealing with (Yuck) and I am snoring a lot because I am suffocating under my own weight. I cannot get comfortable. Every day, I remind myself that I will soon be on the road to being a big loser and I take comfort in that notion. My trip was quite enjoyable and like I said, I bonded with my friends. We had some very interesting conversations and I will treasure their friendships forever.
10/15 I just had McDonalds for lunch - my last McDonalds meal I will eat for a long time!Not that it's a big loss, I might add. I'm beat, having worked the night shift for two nights and then in to the dayshift this morning. I'm curious if I will be less exhausted when I am thinner.
10/14 My 26s don't fit and I feel fat and ugly and glutenous. Its a yechy day and as I was walking to my car on my way to work, I thought 'In one month I will be in surgery.' It's a comforting thought, but at the same time, I feel gross and ugly and humungous and uncomfortable.
10/13 I had a nice weekend in Ft. Lauderdale and West Palm Beach. My friend and I went to several malls looking for button-front pjs (a requirement by my surgeon in the hospital) and I had a hard time finding them. It makes me so angry that all the major department stores: Macy's, Dillards, Belk, Sears, JCPenny assume that if you are fat, you have NO taste what-so-ever. All the jammies I found were old-lady style crap in florally patterns. Stuff I would buy for my grandmother, were she still alive. As the day went on, I got angrier and angrier. It makes me furious that they relegate the fat clothes to the BACK of the store. More people look like me then are skinny in this world, yet we get about 2 percent of the floor space. What are they afraid of? So, as my pal and I wandered through these stores I got madder and madder. Then it hit me. In a month, I will NOT Have to go through this again. In a few short months, I will be in a regular size and one of the "normal" people according to the department store. It was fun to think like that. My doc has a clothing exchange so I hope I don't have to buy any clothes while I am shrinking. So, with that in mind I bid farewell to Lane Bryant and August Max Woman....I said see ya to Claiboure an adeau to Catherines. I say hello to Lillian Rubin and Express. I say hello to Victoria's Secret and Fredericks. How exciting is this?!!!! I also had a sad thought. I wish my grandmother, who was like my second mom and my confidant, I wish she had lived to see me thin.
10/12 Class was interesting and I got a lot of good information. I also got a shopping list of things I need to buy: B12 sublingual (apparently we cannot digest B12 from food post-surgery) Flintstones vitamins with iron (for two months, then we get grownup vitamins) Ketone sticks (to monitor our ketones....) Tums (for calcium, with a side-benefit of helping with gas and acid tummy) button-front PJs. (I'm not sure the logic behind these) We talked about protein drinks and I managed to convince my extremely unhealthaly think friend Kevin to try the drinks with me. Mine are the lo-carb drinks, his are the body-builder ones. We'll then compare notes. I hope he follows up on it. Other things I learned at class: no abdominal exercises for one year post surgery no weighing in for two weeks post surgery beer is not a clear liquid (funny, huh?) after two or three weeks I will really want to chew vitamins=life hold your tummy when you cough (and coughing is good) the Heparin will cause bruises to my stomach My mom is so sweet. She wants to be there during surgery, which I said was silly, since I will be in the OR for hours and then probably be moody and cranky when I am done. Don't get me wrong...I REALLY want her there, but that's selfish of me. I told her to not worry about coming out immediately, because I am going to need her when I am finally sent home. She's planning to stay with me for about 2 weeks. I am happy I'll have someone to help me and hope everything goes well.
10/9 I am approved. It's a go, a yes. This is the day that will change my life forever. Nothing will ever be the same. I am a mix of emotions ranging from fear to excitement. I cannot wait to make this happen yet at the same time, I will never be the same, and I guess I am a bit saddened by that news. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT changing my mind. I just think I am going into a slight mourning phase a bit early. I have education class tomorrow and I don't exactly know what to expect. This is the last step required (aside from pre-op medical testing) and my family is anxiously awaiting the news of what they can expect. My mom stepped up and said she insists on being their on the day of surgery - a relief for me, but at the same time, I don't want her sitting around all worried while I am snoozing away. I told her to wait until we knew more on Thursday night. Another thing, once I go through class, there is a chance I could have surgery early. I'd like that to happen, if possible. I'd really like to have dropped about 30-40 pounds by the time I go back to work....we'll see. For now, I want to stay happy by the fact that I got approved.
10/8 OK, I'm ready to begin researching other doctors. This is crazy. I cannot believe I've heard nothing. I want this soooooo much and it seems to be slipping out of my grasp. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't happen. I'm tired of being fat and unhappy. Tired of being the fat one in my department and tired of being the fat friend. I'm ready to give up. I spoke too soon. At 4:30 p.m. my nurse case manager from Empire BC/BS Called and said (insert heralding trumpets here) that I've BEEN APPROVED!!!!!!!! Yippie, I am soooooooo excited. I screamed in the poor woman's ear and then started to cry. I cannot believe that hurdle is over with. Now I am able to be really nervous about the surgery itsself.
10/7 This is ludicrous. I just called my insurance company again and they said they hadn't received anything from my surgeons office. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH What the heck is going on?
10/3 UPDATE: OK, the excuse given to me by the patient advocate Lisa is that the doctor's office doesn't typically send out information to the insurance company for six to eight weeks before surgery. Sounds sneaky to me. OK, lets go to the calendar, shall we? If I went to the surgeon and got my appointment on Sept. 6 that would be week one, right? So, by that calculation I would have 10 weeks before surgery. Why then would the insurance person Margaret say that everything should be ok and on 9/10 tell me that my PCP has forwarded all my medical records and we should hear something in a week. I feel like I've been given false hope. I told Lisa that I felt like I fell between the cracks. When she got a bit terse with me, she said they had all the October patients ahead of me. I wonder if they are taking on more patients than they can keep track of? I responded to her by saying that I understood they were busy and if they wanted me to take charge of getting approval, I would, after all - it is not my nature to let other people do all this for me. I am way to much of a control freak for this. Anyway, because I got the contact name and number at my insurance company, Margaret faxed the info over so I guess we'll see what happens. I keep thinking back to what it was like in that exam room when Dr. T told me I needed to work hard to make this happen. HA, I think I am working pretty hard, thank you very much. I just got my appointment for the pre-op education class. Oct. 10 is the day. The class comes with a $400 bill, which I knew about, so I am not surprised, but I have a hard time thnking about that bill considering what happened yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I am paying it because without the class, no surgery. Despite all this, I am STILL very excited about my upcoming date.
10/2 Still nothing. Last night I got a call on my cell phone and my heart lept to my throat because I thought it might be the doctor's office saying they'd heard one way or another. I'd like to know whether or not I am approved. If it's no, at least I can figure a way to move on. This not knowing is driving me insane. It's 6 weeks until my date and I know I have a lot to do before then....but I cannot begin any of it until I have a yeah or nea from the insurance company. Boy, this is depressing. 2:20 p.m. I will not panic, I will not panic, I will not panic. I just called pre-certification at my insurance co and the very nice lady said they didn't have any information on my case. It' sbeen almost a month since I went to my surgeon and three weeks since they should have mailed off the packet. OK, I will not panic prematurely. 2:30 p.m. Now I am panicking. Chris in Customer Service at my insurance Co says they have nothing on my request. I'm on the phone now with the surgeon's office. GEEZ, the insurance person at the surgeon's office said her ONLY contact with the insurance company has been through ONE email. I gave her the fax number to send over the information and told her I feel like we wasted an entire month. This is so infuriating. She made it seem like approval is almost automatic. I'm quite upset right now. I asked her to fax over the info and then get back to me TODAY with what she has done. I also asked her, 'do I need to take charge of this, because it goes against my nature to rely on someone else." She said this isn't her first time. So Do I let go????????????????
10/1 I've started the Adkins plan in hopes of losing a little weight before surgery. I also think the high protein-low carb plan (I will NOT call it a diet) is good practice for my "new" life. I plan to do this for three weeks, take a weekend off and check in with my primary care physician to make sure everything is ok, and then pick it back up for the final three weeks before surgery. If I have surgery that is. I STILL havent heard squat from the insurance company and quite frankly, I don't view this as a good sign. I've been reading all these online journals of people that were approved quickly. Why them and not me, too? I wonder if I haven't been approved yet because I am so technically healthy, if so, that's not fair. There's nothing healthy about me. I cannot sleep the entire night through, I am exhausted all the time, my joints ache under my weight, I am out of breath, my blood pressure is messed up...shall I go on? It seems a bit obvious that there is a problem. Ok, I'm gonna go cry now. This is depressing.
9/30 Nope, still haven't heard. Argh. My brother was out this weekend with his girlfriend, his roommate and her boyfriend. They were wonderful and we had a nice time. They are all so excited for me and my brother - bless him - says this is going to happen. He kept making cute comments like when his girlfriend said I was soft and squishy, he said 'you'd better get used to it now, she's gonna be skin and bones soon.' I told him that I know he worries about me and that he worries I'll die young. I told him I intend to live a long and healthy life so we can be old together. Now, if only the insurance company would cooperate. Oh, on a funny note, I got a claim yesterday that says the insurance co. payed all but .55 of my bloodwork.....funny, huh? Do I really have to spend .37 in stamps for a .55 bill?
9/29 Still no word. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's getting hard. I am so tired all the time and uncomfortable in my skin. I feel prematurely old.
9/26 I am SO angry at my insurance company right now. It's been weeks since my surgeon's office sent off the packet and I haven't heard a darn thing. Then to add insult to injury, I got a letter yesterday saying they won't pay for my visit to my general practitioner because weight-loss related issues are NOT covered. So, what do I do? I have a bad feeling about all this. I will literally die if I don't have surgery. To top it all off, I am having a crummy day. I feel like I am so overwhelmed right now it isn't funny. I'm smothering under bills, pressure and my own body fat.
9/25 I think I have sleep apnea. I cannot remember the last time I slept the whole night. Last night I woke up about every two hours. I hate this.
9/24 Today's message: Things I WILL do when I am thin(ner) * skydive * take up a sport and see if I really am an athletic person trapped in a fat girl's body * buy at least one hoochie mamma outfit and wear it in public * get some professional photographs taken (nothing dirty, mind you) * go to the beach without wanting to magically beam myself from my car into the water and back again * hike in the mountains somewhere * do a charity walk, something I haven't done since college * get my belly button pierced (even if noone sees it but me) * start looking for the next step up in my career * go to a dance
9/22/2002 Yep, still waiting. Friday was my day off from work and I kept hoping I'd get a phone call. Nothing, nada, zilch. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I cannot rest easy. I sleep in fits - tossing and turning. My body aches from my own weight. My shoulders and back hurt. Sleeping isn't even restfull anymore. I hate myself.
9/15 Still waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm hoping to hear something this week RE my approval. I know I will get approved. I threw a baby shower yesterday for one of my best friends and, for the first time in a long, long time, I didn't mind being caught on video tape or in photos because I KNOW I won't look like this much longer. It's kind of a nice feeling, I must say. Another thing, I didn't feel awkward getting up and eating food in front of the people at the shower (most of whom I don't really know) because I knew that this was probably the last time for me to do something like this! It's a very odd feeling, celebrating these "lasts" is very comforting for me right now.
9/8/02 I have a surgery date!!!!!!! November 12 at 7:30 a.m. I am the first surgery of the day. Dr. T recommended me for the lap Roux-en-Y and I am thrilled. I was worried about having to take a long, long time off from work but I hear the recovery from the lap proceedure isn't that bad. I've told family and friends my date and I had to cancle a conference and give up tickets to La Boeheme that night, but I am so excited. It gives me something to look foward to, since work stinks right now. I feel like a big loser, it's about time I become one, right??!!! :)
9/3/02 It's been a long journey so far, but I am really starting to get excited. I've been to two support group meetings, met with the patient coordinator (7/31), the psychiatrist (8/21), my general practitioner (8/23), had all my lab work (8/23), my ultrasound (8/30)and go for my PFT on Friday. But the best news...my surgeon appointment is this Friday (9/6). I am thrilled. I've pulled together quite a team: my family, several close friends, my GP (who is just thrilled for me, quite proud too, I might add) my hairdresser, to help if (and when?) I lose my hair and a couple of post-ops for support. I've begun an exercise routine and am trying to remember to take my vitamins each night. I've found protein bars I like and will be testing a few protein shakes soon. I've read all the good stories, the bad stories and the postings on this website. I'm scared to death but excited at the same time. Yesterday for my job I had to go to the beach...I was embarrassed to stand there all fat and sweaty, but then I thought (this is the last time I will be at this event as a fat person.) It was quite a comforting thought. So, my GP and I talked and we decided to go with the lap. proceedure. Any advice? warnings or comments? I'll try to keep my journal updated Here's to the first step in becoming a big loser!
-0 another plateau but inches continue to drop
