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Total P. Greenbelt, MD, USA Post Op - BMI: 33.1 Surgery Type: RNY Member ID: H1096513261 Web Site: http://www.picturetrail.com/totalpkge Surgeon: Terrence Fullum, M.D.,F.A.C.S. |
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 |   OCTOBER 12TH, 2004 27 y/o single, professional female with no children. I have always been overweight. Never have known what it's like to be "normal." I think a lot of my food problems come from things that happened in my childhood. I used food as comfort, as a shield, for companionship....many of the same behaviors that I've carried over to adulthood. It's time to break up with food before it kills me. I've been researching the surgery for well over a year. At first, I thought it wasn't for me. Restricting myself to a tablespoon of food! Are they nuts???! My supervisor and a co-worker both had it--with excellent results. But since I didn't look as bad as they did (huge stomach, etc), it wasn't something I even remotely considered. In the past year, I've noticed that I just feel...heavier. My knees are starting to hurt. It's getting harder to go up and down stairs. My eating has gotten out of control. I'm picking up some pretty bad habits. I'm lazier about stuff like house work because I just don't have the energy all the time. It's time to break up with food before it kills me. I made the final decision to have the surgery on 10/21 after attending a meeting with Dr. Fullum's staff. I attended a meeting with he and Dr. Harrington when they were still in practice together, but I found Harrington to have a poor bedside manner. He just seemed too stiff and cold about some things. Dr. Fullum is warmer and funny even. I'm putting my life in this man's hands. I need to be able to chat with him and feel comfortable, ya know! So after the meeting, I made my initial appointment and I believe I have to go through a 6 month nutrition plan that I plan to follow. I also want to start exercising and weightlifting beforehand to minimize the hanging skin. I want to look good and reduce the shock to my body. I also need to begin praying regularly and talking to God more because that spiritual connection is going to be extra important. I know this will not be easy. I am not scared of the surgery because I plan to have it laproscopically and it won't be as rough as the open method. But I am worried about my ability to maintain and whether I will have any regrets. I worry about whether I won't be able to tolerate some of my favorite foods anymore. I worry that I won't be able to enjoy my martinis and wines like I used to. But then again, I have to look at the alternative. What will my life look like if I can barely walk? If I have high blood pressure and am on medication at 30? If I get diabetes and have to live with it for the rest of my life? I just can't take that chance. I have to break up with food before it kills me. NOVEMBER 13, 2004 Well, a lot has happened since I last posted. I had my consult scheduled with Dr. Fullum's office. Now before I had even gone to the WLS interest meeting I called my insurance company's office to find out if it was covered. The woman gave me a long list of things that I would need to submit. I was like--cool. So I go to the meeting, find out that I need to go through the 6 month nutritional program, and I'm still like--cool. Other people there were upset. But I'm not in a rush per se. I want to go through the program and try to modify my habits a bit pre-surgery. It will make things a lot easier I think. As long as I know that my pot of gold lies at the end of the rainbow. Anyhow, before my consult date, I decided to call again to make sure because I did have to shell out $300 out of pocket which was non refundable even if I was denied. This time they tell me that the surgery is only approved if I have a pre-existing condition that causes me to be obese. WTH??!!! Yea, I have a pre-existing condition. I am OUT OF CONTROL! LOL! And have been for quite a longgggg time. Like forever...But I didn't go off on her. I've worked customer service before. I know not to shoot the messenger. So I just decided to cancel my appointment until I could get this mess straightened out. Meanwhile, I WILL start seeing Dr. Denia Tapscott, the nutritionist at Dr. Fullum's office to get my 6 mo journey started. Meanwhile, I will figure out a way to either get approved or pay for it out of pocket. My newly married-to-a-minister Mom is all like pray on it, it will happen. And she's right. I did stay away from the boards for some time because I didn't feel like seeing all the "I've Been Approved" messages. Of course I'm excited for those folks but it's hard knowing the uphill battle I have ahead. More later...and a better looking page to follow. I am a web developer for goodness sakes. For Shame! NOVEMBER 21, 2004 Just thought I'd do a quick update. I've got an appointment at Dr. Tapscott, the nutritionist's office on the Monday after Thanksgiving to begin my 6 mos supervised program. I'm proceeding as if I'm having this surgery sometime next year although I'm still not sure what is going on with the insurance company. I finally contacted my hr rep and told her my issue and how I need to get in contact with whoever the people were that sold us this insurance. I need to stop getting the runaround so I'm going straight to the top. She passed on the info so now I'm waiting on a call from the sales rep. Hopefully, she'll be able to put me in touch with the right person. So that's on hold. I'm fairly calm about it--I guess because I'm not trying to have the surgery like yesterday. Since I'm giving myself 6-7 mos, I'm a bit more patient. I just wish I had decided to do this when I visited the WLS meeting over a year ago. I might not be having the problems I am now. But I simply wasn't ready then. On a good note, I have met so many great people on this site. It's really a godsend. I went to Dr. Fullum's meeting again this past Thursday (will be going to every one until the surgery date so he'll know me real well--LOL!). And I ran into the woman I met at Dr. Harrington's meeting...the one who worked at my job. She had promised to be there for me if I need her. So I may ask her to be my angel. Don't know yet. She doesn't appear to have done everything even close to right and she still looks to be obese even several mos out. But then again, I don't know what she looked like before. So this could be a vast improvement. I just want my angel to be kind of a stickler for giving everything you have to this...since it's a second chance at life and all. I can't have no slackers because I have those tendencies. LOL! Two slackers together does not a success make. But she's a sweetheart and seems really nice. So we'll see. There is this woman in my sorority who is extremely large. She probably weighs well over 400lbs and it's not a comfortable 400lbs....well, is there such a thing?! Some people carry their weight better than others. But she just looks like she's struggling. Watching her walk is so painful. I just want to ask her if she's considered it. She recently lost her father and I think it was a rough time for her. She looks to have gained more weight since then. I hope to maybe become an inspiration for her. She's young like me and at the rate she's going, she won't see 50. She has such a beautiful spirit. I just think the surgery could do a lot for her. So that's another reason I want to have it. Will make my page purty real soon. I'm getting tired of it. DECEMBER 6, 2004 Quick update. I just found out today from my benefits administrator that the surgery is not a covered benefit under my insurance plan. *sigh* I guess I was expecting this so I'm not in shambles...yet. I guess I am just so sure that there is another way. There has to be. I can't believe that God would have brought me to this...put this wonderful resource at my fingertips...found me a surgeon that I can trust (with patient that are still alive and look great--LOL!)...and not bring me through it. There has to be a way and I've just go to find it. It may not happen today or tomorrow. But I know it has to happen. JANUARY 8, 2005 Happy New Year All! Hopefully this will be my year! Anyway, quick update. I'm entering the third month of my six month supervised weight plan. I have to admit with the holidays and everything, I haven't been exactly doing my best with it. I haven't weighed myself because I know it's nothing good :-) She did give me a B-12 shot last time so not exactly sure whether that will help. Judging by my clothes though...I haven't lost a thing. But starting this Monday, me and a friend will begin a weight loss challenge so hopefully that will help. We will work together to get in more water and start exercising. So we'll see how that goes. Two small updates before the big one...I plan to start a meal replacement plan. One shake a day to replace breakfast and then sensible meals for lunch and dinner. Plus small snacks. So we'll see how that all goes. I'm trying the Isopure variety pack to see what I like best. Drinking the chocolate as I type this. It's a taste I'll have to get used to definitely. Will try the vanilla and the strawberry with some frozen fruit mixed in. Other small update is that I'm having a sleep study next week as requested by the nutritionist. So we'll see how that goes. Big update--My company was just bought out and the new company uses BCBS! Now I've heard good and bad things about them approving this surgery. I need to wait to see what happens over the next month or so while HR gets their stuff together. So I'm currently in limbo. But looks like God may be opening up a door for me. I will definitely have to fall on the altar if this works out! I guess my faith is paying off. I never really got upset when UN-CARE (unicare) refused. I said to myself...I will have this if God wants this. He always makes a way for me. So perhaps this is it! Stay tuned! FEBRUARY 2, 2005 Quick update: I've been seeing the nutritionist for 3 consecutive months. I have NOT been doing well. In fact, I've gained 4 lbs since December. My eating hasn't really been any more than usual. It's just that my bad habits continue. Eating late, large portions, not eating breakfast. I just wonder whether my failure means I'm not ready for this surgery. If I can't stick to this, maybe I won't stick to my post surgery plan either. I had my sleep study approximately 3 weeks ago and I have severe sleep apnea. It unnerved me on one level then I thought to myself, well this may be a good thing because it will give me ammunition for surgery approval. I go back tomorrow evening for a retest with a CPAP machine. Well, here's the biggest update. Found out today that my company will not be assuming the benefits of the company that took us over. So this means in all likelihood, we'll be sticking with UNCARE. SIGH! So I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm considering phentermine, but I really don't want to be on a drug!!!!! Actually, I can't afford to be on a drug. These $75/mo visits to the nutritionist are taxing enough! Not to mention, I just worry about the long term effects. And I don't particularly relish the idea of my long term success hinging on my addiction to some drug. *sigh* I'm at a loss. Stay tuned..... FEBRUARY 15, 2005 GREAT NEWS! I did find out that my insurance company does cover the surgery if it's medically necessary and I now know what the exact items are that I need to present!!!! I know this may seem like a small step....not like I've been approved or anything. But just to know that they have at least HEARD of the surgery and will do it if I can prove I need it, is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I can fight to prove I need it. But I can't fight to make it a covered benefit. So now, the next step is to consult with my primary care physician and get her to sign off on it. I don't know how she feels about it. But if she starts tripping, I'll just roll on over her and find another PCP. I have SEVERE obstructed sleep apnea. I stopped breathing 54 times...count it 54 times in a SINGLE hour. And there is no way that I will wear a CPAP machine for life. Not happening. I weigh more than SHAQUILLE O'NEAL! This weight needs to come off. So I plan to take the sleep study results and the notes from Dr. Tapscott and ask her if she'll write the letter of medical necessity. If she says yes, I'm good to go! Just have some other loose ends to tie up and I see myself applying for approval by late March at the LATEST. Maybe a May surgery date? In time for my 28th bday:-) What a present!!!! Anyway, I'm getting wayyyyy ahead of myself. For now, I need to get my ducks in a row and make sure I have the tighest package possible. Sort of like when I was applying for membership to my sorority...and then to grad school. LOL! Be back soon...hopefully with even better news! FEBRUARY 20, 2005 I had my 4th appointment with Dr. Tapscott today and actually lost 8lbs. I was shocked! I fully expected to have gained weight because of the way I've been eating. I haven't been eating a lot....just a lot of the wrong things. I think it's the B-12 shot. Anyway, she was fairly pleased that I hadn't gained any weight. She thinks I'll have no problem getting approved with my health problems. My blood pressure was high--has been high-- and my severe sleep apnea. She did tell me that I need to follow through with getting the CPAP machine. Damn....Apparently, the sleep apnea may not clear up for upwards of a year after surgery....which I guess makes sense. So I have two CPAP clinics scheduled. So now I move on to getting all the tests done. I have an appointment for a Psych consult, an appt with the cardiologist, and I'm consulted with the gastronologist's office. They are mailing me a form. Once I mail it back, they will call and schedule my appt. I may try and drop it directly to them. Speed up the process a tad. Then I have an appt. with my PCP for my general physical and I am going to ask her to write the letter. Hopefully I'll be applying for approval by the beginning or middle of April if all goes well. More updates to come.... FEBRUARY 28, 2005 Just a quick update. Saw my primary care today for my annual physical and to ask her about writing the letter for my surgery. Drumroll please. No problem mannnnnn!!!! We had a nice conversation in which I explained to her my reasons for having the surgery and how I intend to seek psychiatric help for my food addiction. She asked me what I thought my problem was. I told her that I used food as companionship a lot. And that I was out of control. By having these surgery, I was forcing myself to break up with food and find another way. She seemed to think I really had a good sense of what I was getting into and is going to write the letter soon. Apparently, she knew exactly what to write. I tried to give her a sample but she was like was like I got this! I was like okay then! Do your thing :-) I guess I was making more of it because I can't actually believe this may happen. So I'm waiting for the other ball to drop. I guess I never imagined myself being a normal weight. I can tell that I will need some help adjusting. So now I have two more appts. this week. One for the CPAP and the other with the cardiologist. I am just about done scheduling all of my appts. I'm just waiting on the gastronologist to get back to me with an appt. Then I have an appt. with the psychologst next week. And my 5th month appt. with Dr. Tapscott. It's really seeming like I will be ready to apply by the end of April! A surgery date around my bday is really starting to look like a reality..... Oh...and I lost 9 more lbs. in like 8 days. This is crazy! I guess this is sort of like what the surgery is like. I am in disbelief. Keep thinking the scale is wrong. It has to be the B-12 shots. Admittedly, I haven't been eating as much lately. Definitely not 2000 calories a day. I guess I better get used to this rapid weight loss. Pretty soon, I am gonna be on the losing side baby!!!!!! MARCH 13, 2005 I swear I had updated since February. I have a little journal that I write in to keep track of everything that has happened and I guess I confused that with updating this profile. Anyhow, things are moving right along still. I'm currently in the midst of pre-op testing. I tell you--I haven't been to the doctor this much in my life! Especially the specialist. They are packed and hard to get into! I think I've seen every doctor with an "ist" at the end in the past few weeks. I've completed month number 5 with my nutritionIST. I gained 3 lbs. Not surprised. That's my m.o. She has me on phentermine a few times a week to lower my appetite. Then I saw the cardiologIST to do my EKG. I'm going back for my ECHO next week. Then I saw the gastronologIST to set up the appointment for my EGD which is on Tuesday. Then I made an appointment with the pulmonologIST for a PFT. That's scheduled for next week as well. Lastly, I saw the PsychologIST for my psych eval. I convinced her I wasn't crazy. LOL! She said I'm an excellent candidate for the surgery. I was suprised at how easy it was for me to talk with her. It's like I wanted to talk with her. To just let a whole river of things spill out to an objective ear. I plan to continue going. But I just need to find someone in plan. So there goes my pre-op testing. Once I'm done with my 6 mos eval with Dr. Tapscott and all my letter start coming in, I should be ready to apply. I envision having this surgery in June....even though that may mean missing the Capital Jazz Fest this year. But next year I'll be there in a tube top and some booty shorts. LOL! I'm kidding....But I might as well start getting used to the idea of the sacrifices I'm going to have to make. I also need to get serious with the exercising and eating right. I guess my thinking is that I'm goign to eat all I can now because I won't be able to soon. But I need to prepare myself so it won't be so much of a shock to my system. And I definitely need to start out with the exercising because it's going to be much more vigorous after the surgery and I can't just start off vigourously. I want to maximize this and I need to get serious about it. MARCH 15, 2005 Well, this has been an interesting day. Went for my EGD and couldn't have it because I didn't have anyone to drive me home. My doctor didn't impress upon me that it was mandatory. I asked her (she didn't tell me) before I left her office last week and she said well you usually feel okay after you rest a bit, but it might be a good idea. I took that to mean...well, if you want to, but it's not critical to you having the procedure. So I get to Holy Cross Hospital and am a bit unnerved to see that I am in like a real surgical waiting room and I was going to be put in a bed and everything. I had no clue that this is what it was like. I really don't like hospitals so I was a bit unnerved but I went with it. Then as I'm doing my paperwork with my nurse, she tells me that I have to have someone to drive me home and can I think of anyone. I'm like no. I have no family in MD and I'm not married. It's 1:00 in the afternoon. I have no friends that are just sitting around waiting for me to call them to ask them something like this. So I kind of stormed out. Not overdramatically (mostly PMS-induced). But I was annoyed that I had wasted time off work. But you know, I had this nagging feeling that I should wait to do this until I have approval. This was going to be like a $3K procedure and something was telling me that insurance was not going to pay for this unless they first approved the surgery. Soooo. I think I am going to apply and then finish up these tests. I don't need all these tests for approval. I actually think that when I get my PCP letter and the psych eval, I will have had everything done and can try. So that's the way I'm going to do it. Things happen for a reason and I would have been a MESS had I had this procedure and insurance refused to pay for it. APRIL 10, 2005 On Friday, I finished my LAST appointment with Dr. Tapscott! The six mos is ova baby! I lost some more weight...nothing substantial. Less than 10lbs. But I do notice that I can get into some jeans that were WAY tight before. So somehow I have lost inches even though I haven't been exercising. Thank God for being 27 and still having a good metabolism. Anyhow, everything is in Carolyn's hands now. She should be sending everything in to the insurance company next week. She told me to call her next week. So I will give them exactly a week and call on Friday. I want to know the exact date that everything is submitted so that I can chart how long it takes them to make a decision. Meantime, I need to: -start exercising and lifting weights -continuing to get in lots of fluids -get into the habit of taking my multivitamin 3 times a day -continuing to cut back on my eating (not doing a great job of this) -continue trying to get this apartment in tip top shape -continue trying protein samples to figure out what I'm going to do post surgery (already LOVING Crystal Lite so I know I will be drinking LOTS of that and can mix some things in there) These are my initial goals for now. Of course once I get a date, I can manage my time a bit better since I know what I'll be working with. I'm still on the phentermine 3xs a week. That helps some...especially with H20 intake since it makes my mouth DRY. I gulp down water....or my new love plain water alternated with crystal lite to go packets added in (lemonade or iced tea) YUM! APRIL 21, 2005 The first week, she supposedly had not received my fax about what the insurance company needed (info which I had taken it upon my self to call and get!) and then she needed a copy of my driver's license and insurance card. HELLO! I specifially gave this information to the girl at the front desk when I was there. What happened to it? She said it may have gone down to billing. Ummm...and the same copy machine couldn't have been used to include a copy in my files? (I can't stand excuses). I indicated that I would call next week, which was today. I called and at first she was confused as to whether she had gotten my fax. Then she saw that she had it and then told me to call her next week! Okay, I am starting to get a little concerned. I like everyone at the practice, but I take these kinds of things seriously. I have been on point with everything on my end. And frakly, I need the same. Am I asking too much? I also think that the poor woman is new at the position and probably overworked. I cannot understnad why they have one person handling all of that. It's a BIG practice with a lot of patients, but the staff isn't big enough to accomodate all these people. There should be two to three people handling this stuff. It's just too much for one person. I'm always very nice to her because she's nice, BUT, I'm not going to be patient much longer. The fact is, I have a trip planned for late August/September. I need a surgery date in early June sometime. I do not want to go out of the country having just had surgery. Bottom line, if I can't have it by June, then it will have to wait until the Fall. Which wouldn't be the end of the world, but I really kind of want to get it over with. Meantime, I'm going to start researching other surgeons in the event that I need to make a switch. Tonight, I'm attending the support group meeting. Hopefully Dr. Tapscott will be there and I can get her to put a fire under them. I'm also going to ask her about going on phentermine full time. I would like to lose 20-30lbs before surgery. Stay tuned! APRIL 21, 2005 (EVENING) I have just returned from Dr. Fullum's bariatric meeting with a new attitude. I am embarassed that I even went on like I did above. But instead of removing it, I'm going to leave it there. Those feelings are a part of my journey and they should stay. However, I must have been crazy to contemplate seeking another surgeon. Dr. Fullum is the truth! I trusted him from the first time I heard him speak and now on the 4th or 5th time, I still feel the same. I plan to attend the meetings each month until I have surgery. I feel like something new is presented each time. I need to hear over and over what post-surgical life will be like so that it sinks in. I need to see the success stories over and over again. There were some dynamic women there tonight with dramatic results. The audience was filled with some REALLY large women and I'm glad that they were there, taking care of their health. I'm large too, but carry my weight on a 5'9 inch frame. So I don't appear to be as large and waddling like some of those women. But there is still fat on my heart and I still have comorbities just like them. So really it's good that we ALL made the right decision. I talked to the insurance lady and she knew me. I wasn't sure if she recognized me by name, though I know she knows me by face. She does so I was glad. She reiterated that I should call her next Friday. Will do!!!!!! I also talked to Dr. Tapscott about Phentermine and she told me to stop into the office tomorrow. Will do!!!!! Stay tuned! APRIL 22, 2005 Quick update---went into Dr. Fullum's office today to see Dr. Tapscott about the phentermine. She gave me a prescription. I talked to Carolyn and everyone in there. I want to push the face/name recognition thang because as I saw from the meeting yesterday, he has a LOT of patients. I was super nice...as usual. LOL! Anyhow, Dr. Tapscott asked me how many I wanted...how far out was I? I was like well, depends on when the insurance company approves me, glancing at Carolyn...haha. Dr. Tapscott laughingly said --well that's not on me, that's Carolyn. I was like well, I'm going to call her next week and check on that. So I left with my prescription and went across the hall to the sleep center and they showed me how to use my CPAP. So I'm going to try to start tonight. Wish me luck. Later on that day, Carolyn called and said that she talked to the insurance company and they need a copy of my blood work--TSH levels and the nutritionist's evaluation. Just looked at my bloodwork from February, which they have a copy of, and they did test my TSH. So I just have to check with Carolyn to make sure that is okay and they don't need a more extensive work up. And I made an appointment with the nutritionist for Thursday. So HOPEFULLY, this will be it and she can send everything off by the first week of May. I am still praying for a early to mid June surgery date. Meanwhile, my goal is to drop 15-20lbs pre surgery. That's a lot in a month, but I'm going to try! The phentermine should help. APRIL 29, 2005 I had my nutritionist eval yesterday (total waste of time in a way) but I'm glad to get it out of the way. She said that she would send it up there that afternoon! So I am going to call on Monday or Tuesday to see if Carolyn got it and when she is going to send everything off. Again, I'm praying for an early to mid June surgery date so I've gotta get this moving! But you know, as anxious as I am to just have everything in place and get a date, I KNOW God has it all under control. He blessed me by allowing me to purchase my condo AT PRICE the day before I was going to call my realtor and tell him to stop looking. Can we say right on time? So I just know that He already has a date worked out for me and it is going to fall in line with everything else that's going on. I already have two people in mind that I want to be my Angel. I may ask both of them since I need all the support I can get. One if pre op and one is post op. I plan to ask them as soon as I get a date! I'm mildly concerned about what I'll end up looking like. A couple of women have posted extensive pics about their PS journey. I can't lie...I was mortified. Scared me to death. I'm not trying to go through all of that! I'm so prayerful that I can learn to love myself with the extra skin and that it doesn't become a problem where I HAVE to have it. I worry most about my arms and thighs looking horrendous. I just pray that youth is on my side and that I snap back a bit better. My skin is in great condition now so I'm hopeful... MAY 3, 2005 (17 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!) Today has been a bit of a trying day. So as I mentioned in the last entry, I called to check on whether my file is finally complete. Turns out they couldn't find my bloodwork that I had faxed! I called her after I sent it and she said it had been shown to her. Now it's lost. Luckily, I keep copies of everything...and with me at work daily. So I was able to fax it right over. This time I called right after to verify that she had received it. She had and thanked me for my patience. She promised to get my file in to them tomorrow. So I'm prayerful that things will move swiftly and I can get a date soon. I feel like my life is on hold slightly because I don't know when all this is going to happen. I'm also in the process of closing on my house and preparing to move. So if my two weeks off can fall in June that will allow me to get a lot done. Also, since I'm scheduled to go to Barbados at the end of August, June would give me enough time to feel better and get into a groove. So as usual, I'll keep you posted. I feel like I say that at the end of every post :) Meanwhile, might as well start my list of reasons I want to lose weight so I can check them off one by one post op. YEAH! REASONS WHY I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT (in no apparent order) 1. To get rid of my comorbities and improve my health--not weigh as much as Shaq! ---sleep apnea ---high blood pressure ---hypoglycemia ---occasional sore knees 2. To be able to shop anywhere--and trust me I will! 3. To be able to wear the cute baby tees 4. To be able to cross my legs 5. To be able to go to an amusement park and fit in the rides 6. To not feel out of breath when walking fast or running 7. To be able to walk quicker and not feel weighed down 8. To rock some stilettos...and wear heels all day. 9. To not cringe when I see my pants spread out on the bed 10. To be able to wrap a towel completely around my body 11. Smaller ring size/show size 12. To be able to stand on my feet longer with no pain 13. To feel more energetic 14. To be able to dance the night away--drop it like it hottt! 15. To have space left on my seat for my purse 16. To be truly comfortable in my own skin--increased confidence 17. Improvement in my sex life (now I can truly know the secrets of the Kama Sutra) 18. To not take up two seats on the Metro 19. To be able to rock those banging hats I see 20. To not have my chest be a catch-all for food, drinks, etc. MAY 7, 2005 Called the insurance company yesterday to see if they had everything and when they might make a decision. They didn't have anything on me. Not sure if it wasn't sent or if it was sent to the wrong place. So after finding out that it only takes about 48 hours for approval (YEAH!), I faxed Carolyn the correct number to send everything to. I will call her on Monday to confirm that everything was sent. I think I will go into the office on Tuesday to get a B-12 shot...so if nothing has been sent on Monday I'm going to say something on Tuesday. At this point, becasue of all I have to do with moving, a July surgery date would probably be best...but I just want to get a date for goodness sakes! I like to plan ahead and this not knowing is slightly annoying. My best friend Robyn plans to come to town and stay with me to help me out. So she wants to know when my date is going to be so she can request time off. Plus I've decided to probably take a month off...to just give me a break from work and to get myself acclimated. I work in too close an environment to go through those first month struggles in front of my coworkers. I prefer to do the liquid phase and all the other adjustments privately so I can work through things without having all these eyes on me. They are nosy as all get out and I don't feel like a bunch of questions. I am mad I even told my supervisor. She can't understand why I don't want to share it with the whole team. I'm like I'm not obligated to tell them anything. All they need to know is I'm going out on medical leave. Neither her nor my other coworker that also had the surgery (also made the mistake of telling her!) can understand why I don't want to really tell anyone there. I just don't. That's my job and I just don't think I need to have a reason why they don't need to know my medical business. Anyhow, hopefully next week everything will be in to the insurance company and I will start bugging them soon after I know it's in. MAY 10, 2005 My, my, my. I tell ya....I just have to believe that good things come to those who wait. I called Carolyn at Dr. Fullum's office yesterday morning to make sure everything was in. She called back and said she faxed it. So something told me to call the insurance company and make sure they had everything in hand (not checking up on her, just wanting to make sure it got there okay). Good thing I did! How about they only had 21 of 35 pages of the fax!!!???? Something about a glitch in their fax machine. SIGH! LOL! So I called Carolyn and of course they were closed for their 2 hour lunch break (I need to work for a doctor's office for real!). So I faxed her and told her what happened and asked her to re-send. But one good thing, I got a name in the pre-certification department. The woman that answered the phone told me I could send the stuff directly to her. I'm like Kimberly--you done messed up now! LOL! I'm going to bug the mess out of you. LOL! Nah, but it's a blessing to get a name and someone willing to take on the responsibility. She said it would take a minumum of about 48hrs to 5 days. So I'm going to call her tomorrow to check and see if she got everything. If not, back on the phone with Carolyn. I think they know my voice up there now. They don't even ask who it is anymore. LOL! Luckily, with the closing on the house (which has TRULY been trying) but should happen tomorrow, I have had a diversion so I am not obesessing.I just consider myself to be keeping on top of things. I have a confession. One thing that I think is going to be a motivating factor for me to work as hard as I can is all the foine men I've been seeing lately. I'm finding that I'm becoming attracted to a new type of man. But this type usually is with an average or shapely, but fit women. I know that my confidence is not going to just suddenly appear and it's something I'll have to work at. But I know that with time, it will get stronger. I'm going to take my 20s out with a bang! I think my 29th year is going to be a good one. I'll be a year out, hopefully close or at my goal of 160lbs lost and it will be ON! MAY 12, 2005 I'm a homeowner...hehehe! I'm thrilled to death. That's all I'll say about that because ya'll are here to read about my journey. I only mention it because I am kind of glad that this all has been happening at once. That way I won't be blowing up anyone's phone obesessing about when I'm going to hear something.. I have a diversion. I'm trying to get my house together and get moved over the next month so that I'll be comfy during my recovery. So anyway, I did make it a point to call Carolyn today to see if she had re-faxed everything. She did--on May 11th at 1pm. She said she sent 7 pages at a time this time. So they should have gotten everything. I will call tomorrow to verify it's all received and then give them a week before I call again. Wouldn't it be cool to get approved on my birthday!!!! What a present. I'm thinking I want a date right after the July 4th weekend and I'll probably stay out the rest of July. Luckily, I have a little cushion in the bank that should allow me to live off 60% of my salary for a month. So that's the plan. In other news, I've really dropped some weight..or inches. I haven't been eating much at all. The phentermine is helping in that respect. I no longer drink fruit juice...only Crystal Lite and water. Like now, it's 9:38, all I've eaten today was lunch and that was a half of club sub, some chips, and a huge piece of chocolate cake. Now as I type that...it does seem like a lot. LOL! But I gotta take into account that before, that would be lunch and I would still have a FULL dinner. I may steam some chicken or heat up some wings in a few. Eat some Triscuits. But nothing substantial. But how I can really tell is my clothes! I looked a mess today with this button shirt on that used to be snug and is fitting like a maternity shirt! And I kept having to pull my pants up. I can tell I'm going to be kind of miserable when I start loosing because I HATE for my clothes to be loose like that. But I know the end justifies the means. I estimate I've lost about 18-20lbs since I began the journey with the nutritionist 6 mos ago. That's not a lot...would be more if I exercised and was more focused with my eating of course! Right now I'm at about 338 from 359! <<<=== can't believe i wrote that. My co-worker (10 years older and 5'4--4 inches shorter than me) started in the 330s I believe and she's at 150 something now. That's too small for me though. My goal is somewhere between 170 and 180...175 I guess :-) So let's say I get down to 330 by my date. That would be 155 lbs lost. My goal would be to see that in a year to 18mos. I'm getting excited. Hehehe! Let me blow up Unicare's phone tomorrow! MAY 14, 2005 Well...it's official...as of yesterday, everything is in to Unicare and in the nurse's hands. So now comes the waiting game. I think I will call on Friday (my birthday) if I haven't heard anything. I just feel like that's the day I'm going to find out I'm approved! Stay tuned.. . MAY 18....2 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!! No news as of yesterday. I called the insurance company with reference to issues I'm having with stuff not getting paid (sleep test). So I thought...hmm...why not ask. So the CSR couldn't see it on her screen but gave me the number for Pre-Cert...which of course I already have. I wasn't going to call...but I couldn't help myself. I decided not to call Kimberly, but just call in generally. The rep put me on hold. I was literally holding my breath. It was the longest wait of my life. At first she said she didn't see where anything had been submitted. I said--oh no---yes it has. So then she saw it and said the must have still been reviewing it. I'm like...ok. Today, I had to restrain myself from calling. It was HARD. I want to call every hour on the hour. Luckily, I'm busy at work or I wouldn't be able to hold back. I'm going to restrain myself tomorrow as well and wait for my birthday. As I said a couple of posts ago...that would be the ultimate birthday present! Even my supervisor said the same thing today. I can't believe we were on the same wave length about that! So I'll wait until Friday. Tomorrow I'll attend another pre-op meeting with Dr. Fullum's practice. I want him to recognize my face and see that I've been diligently coming to the meetings when I finally meet him pre-surgery :-) I'm still losing. I'm somewhere around 334-336, which makes for about a 23lbs weight loss. I really feel it too. My boobs are getting smaller too...which I'm only semi happy about. Oh almost forgot...I scheduled the rest of my pre-op appts....EGD (my friend Koritha will take me), ECHO, PFT. All that testing will be done by June 2. I'm praying I don't have to get all the clearance letters in before I can be scheduled! That will be more people I need to harrass. Was also having to deal with getting my CPAP machine. Long story short, the sleep center got me a CPAP from a company not participating in my plan. They were supposed to find someone else that took my insurance. Their lazy asses weren't doing it. So I had to do all the leg work and connect the dots. So I hope to hear something back about that tomorrow. If I don't, since I have to be at the hospital Monday for my PFT, I will be in there raising hell. I've been diagnosed since January. There is no reason I shouldn't have a CPAP that is PAID IN FULL at this point. These people are useless sometimes I tell ya. I have to be used to that thing before surgery. They will NOT mess me up and I will let them know if I have to go into the office on Monday. Ta ta for now! MAY 23, 2005 *whispering* I've been approved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not announcing it on the board until tomorrow when I have a date. I think I'm still in shock. Although I'm already starting to make plans, I'm sort of in a daze. Here's what happened. I had my PFT today. Went well. Turns out I have a mild case of an obstructed airway/borderline emphysema (don't smoke--WTH?) You know, thank God for this surgery or I would have never known about all this stuff. Anyhow, while I was waiting for the doctor to come back, I snuck down the hall to Dr. Fullum's office for a B-12 shot. So while I was sitting there waiting, chatting with this other pre-op, I called the insurance company. Marigold (who sounded like she was high) told me that it was approved on Friday (my BIRTHDAY--told you!) and I had a tentative date of June 10. I was like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!???? June 10th! I barely heard her say approved. All I heard was June 10th. So I forgot the B-12 shot and asked to speak to Carolyn. She explained that I was approved (thank God I called insurance because no one called to tell me) and that June 10 was a dummy date they gave insurance. I could schedule a date with Brenda in the office. I was like Whew! There is no way I could have gotten it together by the 10th. I need to get moved and everything. It just isn't possible. So long story short, Brenda can't schedule me because they are having computer problems. But I can call tomorrow. I will be calling first thing. I am praying for July 8. That would work perfectly. Mom says that is a good time for her and it would be a good time for me to go out of work as well. I would probably stay off until the first or second week of August. Right now, I'm just kind of numb. I thought I would be dancing a jig. I guess I'm still in disbelief. I feel like the other ball is going to drop. They are going to call me back and tell me they made a mistake. I guess I just need to get used to it all. I am excited. But I guess deep down I KNEW that God was going to ultimately work this out for me. Most times I operated under the assumption that I WOULD be having this surgery. Although there are posts where I've had my doubts, somehow I always KNEW. Every since my Mom had that dream where I was significantly smaller...I KNEW. Just like I knew I would find out on my birthday. That KNOWING...it's a blessing and a curse :) Now of course the doubts are creeping in. Can I stick to this? I'm also starting to wonder what I'll end up looking like. I've never been small. It's kinda scary to imagine being "normal." I know I'm going to need some professional help. I'm just trying to get through all this pre op testing and then I plan to see someone. There's a lot more I could say, but I need to get to bed. EGD tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous about that actually. Don't get me wrong, I am excited! I'm FINALLY there. It's just real now...and I have to adjust. MAY 24, 2005 Currently waiting for Koritha to pick me up for my EGD. But had to stop in and announce. *drumroll please* I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! July 8, 2005 will now be known as my rebirthday. I feel so much calmer. This is the date I wanted. Everything is falling into place. I'm thrilled. I'll be back tomorrow to report on my EGD....yikes! JUNE 7, 2005 Now that I have a date, let me not get slack in updating! Acting all new and stuff... Anyway, things are moving right along. It's kind of scary that I'm not nervous about it. Maybe I will be the closer I get. I suppose it may also be because I have so much else going on. I'm trying to get moved and fairly settled before then so my focus is split. I'm actually excited by this new life I'm embarking on. I see exciting times ahead. I'm thrilled with my place...and I'm going to be even more thrilled with my new body...err...my new co-morbidity free body I should say *smile* The Lord has truly been blessing me in spite of. Where to start.... I have had a litany of tests over the past few weeks. My EGD went smoothly. No problems there. My ECHO looked fine. I now have my CPAP machine which I'll begin using tonight. Had my abdominals scanned for gall stones. Don't know the results of that. It was sent directly to the doctor. Guess I should see about that when I go in there on Friday to get them to fill out my STD paperwork. Also I need to schedule my pre-op appt. with Dr. Fullum. Everything else is scheduled. Everything has really fallen into place. In a way, sometimes I feel like it has gone a bit too smoothly. But maybe I should accept it and let it go as God's will. So I told my coworkers via e-mail. My supervisor all but pressured me into it. She's so excited. I'm glad because I've been taking a lot of time off and she's been fine with it. I guess I'm fortunate she had the procedure. Anyway, some of my coworkers didn't respond. A few were very supportive. I kind of said in the e-mail that I didn't want to talk a lot about it. So I guess they were respecting that. It's fine. It's done. I plan to take off a month. I still haven't begun exercising. But I'm still eating a lot less. I'm also taking my vitamins regularly....multivitamin, B-12 sub, and Biotin (to prevent hair loss early). I feel good. I am still hoping to get down to 330 before surgery. I will try to weigh myself at the doctor's office on Friday. I'm still a little nervous about how I'll turn out looking. I admit now that I will be very depressed if the saggy skin looks real nasty because I don't want to have PS. I'm ashamed to admit I feel that way because that is such a minor thing compared to the blessing of getting this weight off. But I am slightly vain...err...a bit more vain that I'd like to admit. So I want to look good. But those fears won't make me not go through with this of course. I will just have to accept whatever it ends up looking like. I've just seen some of those pics and it's horrifying. But I'm hoping that age, exercise, water, and the tofu I'm planning to fall in love with will help. My skin is in good condition now so I'm hoping that helps. I can also tell that I'll be fanatic in the beginning about how much weight I lose...only because I'll be going to Miami at the end of August (instead of Barbados). I'm praying I'll be under 300lbs. But you know what, if i'm not, I just know I'll be feeling great. So I'll look even better. So in a month and a day, it's on....I'll be a big loser. My Mom will come down for the first shift. My best friend Robyn will come for the remainder of the week. I should be alright after the first week I think. If not, I have other people I can ask to help. I'll even call...*gulp* Derreck if I have to since he is close. But I'm not even planning on telling him so I would have to be in dire straights to call him. I think if I needed him, the guy I'm seeing would take time off and stay with me. He's just that type of person. I haven't told him yet. But I plan to. Since we're not committed, I have been hesitating to lay it on him. But I think he would be bothered if I didn't. So I will. Also, I've finally contacted a potential angel. I think she will be wonderful. We'll see if she wants to take on the task! Okay, I've said enough for now...more later.... JUNE 13, 2005 I've really got to get better with updating. I think I will once I'm no longer moving and packing and life has settled down a bit. On that front, things are moving along real well. I got a great deal done this past weekend. Also spent a lot of money too! LOL! But it's stuff that I needed, not wanted. So it's justified. My move is a week from Saturday! Anyhow, the biggest thing is that I have an angel! Miss Praise (Cassandra) has happily taken on the task. I'm already loving how we're vibing. And she is such a great angel. One of her other angelettes, Dionne, had surgery last week and she was there from beginning to end. And she is truly an inspiration. I couldn't have had an angel that was sometimey with her tool. I need someone that leads by example so to speak. And that's why I chose her. I could tell from the first time I met her that she was about business. And she looks FABULOUS. At the meet and greet, I could tell by the way she was dressed and how she carried herself that she was a woman after my own heart and I watched her posts carefully after that. It's almost like choosing a godmother for your child. Actually, it is the same thing. You are being reborn and learning how to eat and everything like a baby. So you need someone that you trust to help guide you spiritually and mentally. Don't know if that makes sense....rushing so I'm not expressing it well. said all that to say, I am happy that I have Miss Cassie as my angel. We're supposed to do lunch this week and I'm looking forward to that. As I mentioned in my last post, I went to the surgeon's office on Friday to take care of some things. I scheduled my pre-op with Dr. Fullum, which is June 28th. All tests and results should be completed by then. I still need to ensure that a few things are in there. I still have a couple of appointments left (cardiologist, chest x-ray, bloodwork, nutritionist, and visit with PCP). Everything is scheduled though and it should all be done by the 28th. There were also some other housekeeping items I had to do there. They know me in there now by name---which is good! With SO many patients, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. I highly recommend that anyone considering Fullum go through the 6mos medically supervised wl with Dr. Tapscott so they can get to know you in the office. It helps! So I have less than a month now! I'm not nervous yet. My mind has wandered to the fact that certain foods I'm eating, I may not be eating for quite a while...or may not be able to tolerate post op. But that's just how it is. I've overtolerated for too long! LOL! It will be worth it to be a normal size. I've NEVER known what that's like. It is really blowing me. Again, I can tell I will need some therapy. But when I have doubts, I only have to think to an article I read in the paper this morning about how HR reps consciously and unconsciously have let weight issues affect their hiring decisions. When I go on the job market next year, that will be one less thing I'll have to worry about. Some hiring manager being thrilled with my skills, but less than thrilled at my appearance. It's sad, but it happens. I'm starting to mourn my clothes a bit already. I have been pulling out my summer stuff to wear...and that is my best wardrobe. I have some nice stuff that I will have to get rid of. But oh well, it will make me feel good to pass them on to someone who will get good use out of them. I am so pleased at how people are reacting. I have told a few more people and they have offered to help in anyway they can. I haven't gotten any shade yet. I wonder once I start dropping the weight how my hanging buddies (Shalina and Esther) will act. Neither one of them have offered to help me in any way post op. They've wished me well, but that's about it. They are both so self absorbed (only children) I wonder if they will closer to the time. I'm not going to mention anything else about the surgery and see if they offer. That will let me know if they are friends or associates. My sorority sister, April, is like well I'll just have to come over and take care of you. She's sweet. That's a FRIEND. Roxanne said the same thing. If I need her to come over and help, she will. Between Cassie, Roxanne, and April, I should be fine after Mom and Robyn leave. Well I'm on to send a note to another BAF'er before I log off. I read his profile today and it REALLY touched me. It was so open and sensitive (he's a Taurus so that's not surprising). Almost bought tears to my eyes. I just have to send a note of encouragement. He is working that tool, but dealing with some personal stuff. I tell ya...weight issues are a serious matter, not just physically. We are just so blessed to have been given this tool to transform our lives. JUNE 20, 2005 Lots to update about. I'm gonna breeze on through because I'm SUPPOSED to be packing. my move is this Saturday and I still have a lot to do! But the board was calling me of course. I exercised for the first time in MONTHS and I'm feeling it. I did the Walk Away the Pounds 1 mile. Whoooo boy! A sista was already achy from "weekend activities." But now with the exercising...I just want to lay down! But I'm gonna press on. The plan is to do the 1 mile all this week. Next week 2 mile. Surgery week...3 mile. We'll see how that goes. Still moving along with final surgery preparations. Did my nutrition class. That was very helpful. I got a solid list of items to shop for. I figure I will do my shopping on July 4 before Val's cookout. I also got some help with coming up with a schedule. I'm only a little scared of the small amounts I'll be eating. I'm more concerned about getting it all in. There was this girl at the class who had just had surgery a few days before and she didn't want anything. She wasn't drinking water and didn't like any of the proteins. She was exhausted. I hope I'm not so contrary. LOL! I know my angel will come over and give me a swift kick if I don't get my protein on. She needs an angel. LOL! I am committed to almost everything I put in my mouth containing some kind of protein post op. I am going to order the flavorless protein in abundance and put it in everything I can. That will help. I don't want to be any weaker than need be. Other than that, just continuing with appointments. Had my final blookwork and chest x-ray. All that's left is to get the cardiologist's report on Friday and returning to my PCP to get the reports on the bloodwork and x-ray. Finally, I meet with Dr. Fullum a week from tomorrow. FINALLY. I went to the meeting last Thursday and introduced myself to him and told him we had a date on July 8! Met my angel and my sister angelette for dinner Friday night. That was fun. We had a shady azz waitress, but one money don't stop no show! We still cut up! Next summer, me and my angel are going to be on top of our motorcycles with our azzes up in the air. LOL! Lastly, I told my male friend about the surgery. We even talked about the changes my body would be going through and how the skin could start to hang. Of course he was very supportive....very understanding. He said he was thankful that I shared and all that stuff doesn't bother him. I don't know what will come of us, but I do know he's been a Godsend at a very crazy time in my life. He's been a very stabilizing influence. Everyone should have that kind of person in their lives before surgery. If he was to leave my life tomorrow, I'll know he was there for a reason and I feel blessed. JUNE 21, 2005 Found out today that my Mom is coming down overnight this weekend. I think it was what I said to her this morning. We talk every morning and first thing I said was "Do you know I could die?" I didn't mean for it to slip out like that. Needless to say, she was PISSED. I just wanted to know if she understood the severity of this procedure. I wasn't sure if she did. Then the other day, I said I wished she could have my "last meal" with me. So I think all that got to her and she decided to come down for a bit. I was surprised, even though I wanted her to. When she comes down for the surgery, she is bringing her hubby for support. So I'll be having one of my last meals at Ruth Chris on Friday. I had been craving it. I'm gonna tear it up! But first, I will definitely exercise that day....gotta burn some of that! And I plan to eat light for the rest of the week. My true last meal will be Val's BBQ. Ummm....I know that's gonna be worth it! JUNE 24, 2005 *sigh* I'm still in ecstacy over my "last meal." I tell ya. It's gonna be more than a notion to give up eating big. Of course it will be more than worth it and I know that once I'm used to it, I'll have no regrets that I gave up this way of life. But I'm gonna miss nights like tonight. Went to Ruth Chris and got appetizer, two drinks, a big ole steak with a crabcake on it, and 2 sides of veggies that I split. Literally, I was in heaven the food was SO GOOD. It was truly the way to go out. Top of the line meal and top of the line service. Now that that's over.... My appointment with Dr. Fullum has been rescheduled to Thursday. They have been following up with me regarding what I need to bring. I have everything in my possesion other than my labs and my chest x-ray. I will pick them up early next week from Dr. Bledsoe. I'm truly good to go. Oh and the best thing is MY BED IS BEING DELIVERED NEXT SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!! It was custom made and they said 8-10 weeks. But it's early. So I'll have something COMFY to rest on while I recover. I'm THRILLED. I don't think that fouton would do the trick. Lastly, my Mom is in town treating me like the princess I am. *giggle* So we're preparing to go for some breakfast and there is this really heavy set girl standing outside the restaurant. I mumbled "She needs to have the surgery." My Mom says I'm being rude. I'm like it would help her so much. It is only rude if I say it TO HER. But I'm remarking this to myself. It's just that even as a pre-op, I can already tell that this will make magnificent changes in my life and I would love for all overweight people to stop suffering. Of course I don't know that she's suffering. I wouldn't say that I'm suffering per se. But I just know that it's going to make so many things I do a lot easier and allow me to do so many things I've never had a chance to do because of my weight. Now of course this procedure is not for everyone. But I don't see the harm in thinking it. Am I hating on the big girls now that I am headed towards "normal?" *This is not a rhetorical question. Anyone who reads this can shoot me an e-mail in response. I will eventually post this on the board* JULY 5, 2005 3 days and counting....who would have thought I would get to this point. Unbelievable. It's like...I knew it would come eventually because I'm a true believer that God brought me here. But I guess I'm a bit in awe that it's finally happening. It's like....it seems like it's happening to someone else. The psychologist said I tend to disassociate myself from my body. So maybe that's what I'm doing. I haven't started feeling nerves yet. I'm strangely calm. I guess because I know I'm doing the right thing. But when I am headed to the hospital and they put me in that bed, I think that's when it will sink in. Anyhow, everything is done. I've FINALLY finished all my testing. Had to get another EKG at the 11th hour because mine was too old. Luckily, I was able to get all that done when I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. Fullum. So I did pre-registration that day, saw Dr. Tapscott, saw Dr. Fullum, and had an EKG. Busy day! *Note--let me say this....for anyone considering Dr. Fullum.....he is an excellent doctor who has the respect of many in the medical field. However, the man has an extremely busy practice. So if you're someone that is going to need a lot of hand holding and need to establish a close personal relationship with your surgeon, I don't think he's the one. When we had our pre-op appointment, it just felt rushed. Nothing like I expected. His staff is harried...people were waiting out in the hall to see him. Now this may just have been because he was out of town for a few days. But it's a hectic practice and not one for those that need to be coddled. If you're self-sufficient and fairly organized like I am, then you'll do good with Fullum* ---End of public service announcement--- What else???? Oh, did my pre-op shopping. I don't know what the sam hill I bought, but I spent a lot of money between Walmart and the grocery store. I just hope I have everything I need. Heck, I should hope so! What I don't use, I can give away to someone that needs it. So it won't go to waste. On an unrelated note, you know, Luther's death really confirmed for me that this surgery is right. I watched the BET special on him the other night and it was just amazing to me how much his weight went up and down at different points in his career. It's scary to know that's what probably killed him. Obesity is no joke as I've said before. I still have high blood sugar readings, which means I have a touch if diabetes. Just think if I had never pursued this surgery and just ballooned up to 400 plus pounds. Thank God for saving me. This surgery is not a miracle by any means, but I'm so blessed to have found this tool. I spent some time with my special friend over this weekend. It was good for me. We talked a lot about the surgery and some of my issues. Don't know where this is going. But we're certainly getting closer to what comes next. However, in the back of my mind I'm still hesitant to take any steps because I just don't know what is coming next for me. I am going to need all my energy to completely change my life. With that change, I don't know where I will stand regarding relationships. I think we're both fine with that for now. This week I'll be in the final stages of getting my place prepared. My bed is here and it is GORGEOUS. However, it's pretty high. I think I'll get a step stool so I won't have to climb up there and hurt my abs. It's VERY comfy though. Lastly, tonight I went to Val's cookout. *staring over at my plate, licking my lips* What a way to go out! Good food, good company (Crazy Cassie, my angel, Ebonnie (my sista angelette), and Luscious LA (who reminds me of someone but I can't put my finger on it). Well I'll try to do another post pre-op. If not, I'll see ya on the other side!!!!! JULY 6, 2005 Not gone just yet! Just a quick update before I mosey on to bed. Today was my last day at work. I was actually a tad bit sad. I felt like I was actually leaving for good. Don't know what that's about!?! I'll be hating life August 7. LOL! Had my first strong emotion about the surgery. Actually I wonder now if it was the remnants of PMS....well POST menstrual syndrome (LOL!) I felt a mild bout of depression. I've started mourning food already!? I'm like geez...can't this wait until I'm post-op?! It was mild, but it just came over me as I arrived home. And I was thinking why did I do this to myself...allow myself to eat myself into a potentially fatal surgery!? I don't really think I'm going to die. But I just had a moment when I was thinking I wish I had never let myself get to this point of morbid obesity...or super morbid...whatever I am. My Mom happened to call while I was wallowing and asked what was wrong because of the tone of my voice. I told her and then said that she wouldn't understand because she's never dealt with food addictions. She said, "Well I don't understand. You can still eat today." I'm thinking...um....I'm thinking BEYOND today. I'm thinking about Miami in a month and a half when I won't be sipping on authentic Cuban mojitos....or fully enjoying the great food. I'm thinking about my supervisor who is almost 4 years out and still overeats and throws up violently. She still gets sad that she wastes so much food going out to eat with her hubby. I'm was just pre-mourning a bit and was even more saddened because no one I talked to seemed to understand. A gf called while she was traveling out of town and started running her mouth about herself (as usual)....going on and on. I wanted to scream "COULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm having surgery the day after tomorrow and I don't particularly care ANYTHING about what you're talking about." I'm usually a good listener, but I couldn't do it today. I faked her out and got off of there. LOL! Feeling better now. I've haven't doubted I'm doing the right thing since I seriously started pursuing this last November. I just don't have to like every second of it, do I? JULY 12, 2005 (WARNING: LONG POST) Well I've finally settled into my place on the loser's bench and I can already tell it will be worth it. I'm 4 days in and honestly, it is getting better each day. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop...for me to start feeling really bad or something. I've had my moments, but nothing severe. Let me start back when I was still post-op. I was off the day before surgery. I had some running around to do. I still wasn't nervous or apprehensive. However, I was very "cranky." My tolerance was very low for bs. I guess maybe that's the way I was expressing my fear? It just wasn't manifesting itself as "fear" per se. Anyhow, my Mom and her husband arrived that evening. I had thought of asking her if she would be hurt if I spent the evening alone. I just didn't know if I felt up to company. But I decided against that. Didn't want to hurt her feelings. It turned out to be alright. When I awoke the next morning, it was good to have her there. It was funny because I didn't feel like getting up. I wanted to sleep in. LOL! I hadn't had much sleep the night before because I went to bed late. But it wasn't a restless sleep surprisingly. Anyhow, arrived at the hospital that next morning...along with several others who were there for different surgeries. I was called back shortly and went through all the pre-op questions with Nurse Kim. She weighed me on a regular scale. It came back that I was 13lbs less than I was the week before. Yeah and Popeye's Chicken and gallon Edy's Butter Pecan are ancient Chinese weight loss secrets. I was like...uh..hello...you don't have a digital scale. This is not right. She got on it and it was right for her. Again, I was like hello! You weigh a buck o five. The scale does not have to struggle around past it's capacity for you! But she swore it was right. So I just left it alone. I could not fathom that this was a "center of excellence" for bariatrics and there was no digital scale. Alrighty then.... Anyway, I get into my birthday suit and the designer hospital gown and accessories and get into bed so she can start the IV. Then Dr. Fullum comes in, says a few words, shook my hand, and was on his way. That's the last time I saw him. There was his nice looking guy preparing for some kind of surgery next door to me. Seems like it was an in/out. He came back from the restroom in his hospital gown and I got a nice little eyeful. I was thinking oooooweeeee! LOL! I was like yup! Still myself....LOL! So then my family comes back for a few and sits with me and then they leave and I'm wheeled down the hall to the OR. The anethesiologist's assistant (a very nice man--great bedside manner) comes to talk to me. He explains what they will be doing and asks me if I'm prepared for the surgery and the aftercare. He kind of goes into a soliloquy about it. I'm thinking "Buddy, if I don't know now, I ain't ever going to know!" But I appreciated his calming spirit. When he takes me in and I have to transfer myself to the other bed (I guess they ain't breaking their backs!) I can't even call it a bed. It was a thin, hard, slab. My back was arched. I remember thinking how uncomfortable it was. I remember adjusting myself to their specifications...them strapping me in. And that was all she wrote. I don't remember a countdown or anything. When I awoke, that was the beginning of the horror story that is Providence Hospital. I awoke in recovery. Don't know what time it was. But my mouth was DRY and I was hurting. My recollection from this point on is very spotty. But I do remember having to BANG on the damn bed to get some attention for the Sahara Desert that resided in my mouth. I could barely talk. The PLENTIFUL amount of nurses in there were ignoring me. I guess I wasn't their problem. They would look at me like I was crazy and turn away. Finally my nurse came over and explained they were trying to find me a room. Then they FINALLY gave me a lemon swab, which was heaven. I was drifting in and out. Then my Mom arrived for a split second. She rubbed my face (our signal) and I opened my eyes and went to grab her hand....like GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Then she disappeared. Come to find out, I had been in recovery since 10:15 that morning when Fullum came out to announce that I had made it to the other side successfully. By this time, it was almost 8pm that night! They had barely been telling her anything. Finally, the black momma in her came out and she ASK...DEMANDED to be let back there to see my face. Finally transferred to a room after 8pm. Shoe and GB (who are WONDERFUL by the way) were there. I was lucid enough to whisper a thanks for coming and then I was put in my own room. I barely remember anything after that. I do remember my WONDERFUL angel Cassie almost having to show out to get me some morphine going since I was in pain. She was a real blessing and a comfort to my Mom. My Mom says she wonders if she truly understands how much she helped her through. Her hubby who is a minister said what she is doing is a ministry. They LOVED her. I made a good choice :-) God was all up in that too. Don't remember much else until I woke up in the middle of the night with the Sahara going on again. I rang for ice chips. I waited for QUITE a while. I put some in my mouth and threw up some time later. I also remember ringing for the nurse because my machine was beeping. They took their sweet time getting on that too. The pulmonologist came in at some point and set me up on the CPAP and did some other stuff. I wasn't lucid AT ALL. All I know is that at some point, I ripped that CPAP off and started throwing up again. The guy came back in and said something about that being fairly normal. I was like whatever. I want to get up out of here! Can you help spring me!? LOL! It was a restless night. They didn't even walk me! I kept mentioning it to them and they were just like....oh okay, we'll check on it. I just kept praying for the sunlight because I knew my Mom would be back and she would liberate me. The next day, I remember being taken for the leak test. I was VERY out of it. On the way out for that, Val and Laverne stopped by. I could barely say hello but I thanked them for coming. Again, I had to slide myself on to the table (HELLO, that uses abs! Just trifling...) Anyway, I threw up the leak stuff. Not because it was particularly nasty. But I don't think I could really keep anything down at this point. They did the x-rays and sent me back to the room. Don't remember much because I was doped up. I kept asking for more pain meds. I think the pain I was experiencing though was gas and not pain from the surgery because it just wasn't going away, no matter how much morphine I got. So to end this incredibly long saga, I was taken down for another x-ray because I guess the first one wasn't good. Then I had to try to tolerate food. At this point, it's about 6pm. They are seeming like they don't really want to release me. The doctor who has taken over my case, Dr. Williams (umm...I'm not even going to get into the fact that I had heard nothing about this Dr. Williams caring for me immediately post op prior to surgery and let's just say that I DID NOT appreciate that). Anyway, these jokers bring me stuff with FULL sugar added and..here's the kicker....put extra sugar packets on the tray jussst in case it STILL wasn't sweet enough for me. They tried to correct themselves and screwed up a second time again. We were like oh no...my Mom started pouring a little of the stuff into the sink so I could get out of there. They were going to end up killing me! Granted, somehow I ended up on the 5th floor, which is not the bariatric floor. But that is no excuse. My surgery was scheduled enough in advance so that there should have been some preparation. This is my life we're talking about here. I wasn't coming in for a nose job! Anyway, I was never so happy to get released and I was sent home with NO MEDS to tide me over....especially since it was now 9PM! But I was still so doped up that I just passed out when I got home. The past few days haven't been that bad. I haven't been eating much at all. A few spoonfuls of broth, at least 1 protein shake a day...a little jello...a little water....but ALL supplements...especially the gas meds. The gas pains have been AWFUL. But as I sit here writing, on my 4th day out, they are practically gone. I went out and did a lot of walking yesterday...maybe too much. But I feel a lot better today in terms of the gas! I belch and poot at random, but it's not smelly since I have nothing in my system. I have some tenderness in my stomach muscles. But nothing severe. I am going to work on water intake today. My goal is 34oz. plus some popsicles. I think I will make it. I haven't felt especially depressed yet. I was a little saddened when my affinity for food returned. The first couple of days, the thought of food was a HUGE turnoff. I thought about the Popeyes I had consumed the night before surgery and I was disgusted. Now....it's a little different. I think about those foods, but wouldn't dare think about trying them yet. My Mom had brought some crab meat for herself and I thought about pureeing some. But I would rather stick to the liquid diet for the two weeks. I want to be under 300 by the time I go to Miami. So I'm going to follow the plan. Why buck the system? It's in place for a reason. So I'm going to freeze it so that I'm not tempted to start picking on it. My best friend will be here tomorrow so she'll be company so that will help. My Mom just left so I'll be home alone tonight. I don't want any temptations. I'm going to try to rest up now so I can attempt to make my condo board meeting tonight....walk down there even. It will be good for me. It's about 1/4 mile walk...maybe less. I'm moving better so it will be good for me. I'll take some H20 and eat a sugar free popsicle along the way...walk in the shade...yea, I'm doing just fine. Stay tuned..... JULY 15, 2005--(329lbs/-16lbs/149 lbs to goal) Well I'm 1 week post op and drumroll....I'm down to 329 from about 345. Amazing isn't it? 16lbs in one week. I can't believe that! Who loses that much weight in a week? Praise the Lord. I was saying 14, but I was adding it in my head. LOL! Heh, I'm an English major. I actually pulled out a calculator. Anyway, lots to update. Since I last posted, I had just one semi-bad day. I think I did too much the day before and was very tired and had some stomach pains. But nothing major, praise God. Nothing that made me question having the surgery or anything. Every since then, I wake feeling better and better each day. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can't be this....easy...I hesitate to say "easy." I am just one week out and I hear that the first week is the toughest. So I'll just say I'm glad to have made it through. I went to see Dr. Fullum yesterday all prepared to let him have it. As I sat in that waiting room and observed the ton of people in there and how the staff is just overworked, I just let it go. This man is just TOO busy and I have to accept that. Again, I would not recommend him to anyone that wants a personal relationship with their surgeon. But I came through alive and well and my scars are like baby scratches (LOL!) so I can recommend him for his skill. That's it. If you're fairly self-sufficient, he's your man. Anyhow, that's when I found out my weight and he advanced me to soft, mushy foods. I had already tried a couple of pieces of chicken from the soup I ate. So when I left there, (with the urging to get up to a gallon of H20 and start exercising), I went to Costco and got some Talapia, Salmon and chicken wingettes, pre-cooked that you heat in the oven. That night I tried a spoonful of mashed potatoes with some cheese mixed in and 1 1/2 chicken drummettes. It was fine. I felt like...it's too early to be eating, isn't it? I'm still kind of nervous about eating. But I am going to go ahead with it until I think I need to do differently. Today, I've had two protein shakes, 1 mozarella stick, water, 2 1/2 chicken drummettes, 2 sugar free popsicles, and I'm cooking some talapia now...and will try some mashed potatoes with that. Seems like a lot as I'm typing it. I could get worried that the surgery didn't work, my pouch is too big....all those newly post op concerns. But I just think that I'm blessed to be able to keep food down and get more in than others. I've still not even reached 500 calories today, according to Fitday.com. So I'm not eating enough actually--calorie wise! So I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I am learning to stop when my pouch feels comfortable. Like I actually hear a voice in my head that says "Stop eating" and I do. Thank you Lord for that voice. As for exercise, I went for a nice walk yesterday with my friend around the complex. May have been a mile. Not brisk enough to burn any real calories, but we weren't exactly strolling. I planned to swim today before it rained. But I will walk tonight. I plan to join the acquatic and fitness center right around the corner and swim 3xs a week and do cardio (walking)/weights the other 2 or 3. I am going to beat this body into some kind of shape. Anyhow, I haven't battled depression yet. I think because I have had someone with me constantly....except for one night. I'll see what happens when I'm alone starting Sunday. It's coming though...I'm sure. I plan to find a psych though. Praise God for bringing me this far and I hope He doesn't leave me now! JULY 16, 2005 Quick update. Just came back from swimming several laps and had a fairly brisk 1 hr walk yesterday. I just can't fathom that one week ago yesterday I was lying in the hospital bed hours out of surgery. I keep trying to quiet the voice where I'm wondering when the bottom is going to drop out....when I'll start dumping off everything I eat, can't keep anything down, water hurts my pouch....anything to remind me of the potential severe hardships associated with this surgery. I guess the key word is "potential." Everyone's experience isn't the same. I just expected this to be SUCH a hard week that I psyched myself up for the worst. So I'll leave that alone. Experiencing a little tiredness after I eat....but I expected that. A little gas too. So I keep my solids to a minimum. People keep asking me what I have been eating. I don't have a "norm" yet. Breakfast has been a shake, lunch (when I get it in--working on that) is a shake or today---a bit of leftover talapia (@1oz--if that), not even a tablespoon full of mashed potatoes and a mozarella stick. Tonight, I'll venture to a restaurant for the first time. My friend is still here and I want her to have some seafood. So we'll go to Timbuktu and I'll probably just get one crabcake or some soup and be done with it. The crabcake will last me at least the next 3 or 4 days probably. Last time I went there, I had a HUGE plateful of some thick steak. What a difference! But it doesn't bother me strangely enough. I'm just glad to be eating solid foods period! LOL! I hung my first goal dress up. It's this sassy little pink number. It's only a 24, about 1 or 2 sizes from where I'm at now. It's a straight dress so I have a lot of thigh to lose before I can get in it comfortably. I estimate I should be able to wear it with a 30lbs or so loss. So I'm thinking I should be able to bring it to Miami. Okay, on the way to a winery for a reggae wine festival. No...not drinking any wine! LOL! I'm not crazy. Now that part will be hard. But I'll survive. I know I'll drink wine again once I reach goal. I just have to put it off a bit to get where I need to go. It'll be worth it! JULY 17, 2005 I tell ya....I am praising him all over the place this morning. You know the sassy size 24 pink number I was talking about last post....well, surprise, I can already get in it! It's still snug and I need to lost several inches of thigh to wear it out confortably. So far I can get in it and zip it up. But it will be too big to wear in Miami. I will probably be in 20/22 by then. I'm underestimating myself I think. I can also get into this suit I bought back during my senior year in college. Cute lime green suit I bought after I crossed the pink and green sands. The skirt, a size 26, is a little snug (which is crazy since I can fit into a 24 dress). But the jacket fits quite comfortably. So things are moving along. Went out to a restaurant for the first time yesterday with my gf and it didn't go that great...well, it wasn't that bad. We went to Timbuktu, home of the plate sized crab cakes. So before we got there, I had decided to order a crab cake sandwich minus the bread and the fries so I could just have one crab cake. But then I got there and decided I wanted to try some shrimp to see how that went down. So of course I ordered the crab cake (broiled) and the FRIED jumbo shrimp (that's the way it came). For sides, I ordered applesauce and mashed potatoes. So it came and I explained to my gf I would be quiet during dinner so I could concentrate on listening to my stomach to determine when I had enough. So I tried some of the crabcakes and broke off a piece of the shrimp. At first I was tearing away the breading and eating the shrimp (all in tiny baby bites). Then I think I tried a little breading. Can't really remember clearly. But ended up getting through half a shrimp and literally a corner of the crab cake befor I decided I was done. To save myself I packed up the shrimp MINUS the breading--sat there and ripped it all off--and the crabcake. On the way home, I could feel something sitting in my chest. It didn't hurt, it was just annoying. Got home and took the Papaya pills. Didn't work right away as expected. I ate a piece of mozarella stick, my daily Healthy Choice popsicle, and drank some fluids to see if I had problems keeping anything down. All stayed down fine. God saved me this time. But I've learned my lesson. No breading/fried for me! I don't know what I was thinking. It was literally a baby piece and it stayed there for a while. Had my Mom all worried when I told her. Not worth it. Other than that, all is well. I have decided to only weigh myself on the 8th of every month. That way I won't agonize over days without loss. I am going to put my scale in my storage space and that's that. At this point, I can look in the mirror and tell I'm losing. I can see my stomach shrinking before my eyes. That's always the first thing to go for me...stomach and waist. So I will go by that. Oh went to a wine festival yesterday as entertainment for my gf. Of course I didn't drink. It was only slightly hard. She tried to share the experience with me---but I was grumpy from the heat so I wasn't too congenial. LOL! Heat is NOT my friend. I am going to avoid it as much as possible. I almost felt sick. Okay, off to eat something. I have been a little slack on eating regularly so I am going to make a concerted effort to eat 3xs a day this week and work on getting in 64oz of water minimum. Also plan to make an exercise schedule to include swimming 3xs a week and walking 2-3xs. I'm actually looking forward to it! JULY 24, 2005 Entering my third week. Week two was a bit harder. Still not enough to make me question why I did it. But I found that I was much more tired (part of that was due to me having to over-exert myself to FINALLY get moved out of my apartment----so that's one weight lifted). So I lounged around much of the week. Barely left the house. I did manage to get out and exercise though. Walked a couple of nights and swam laps 2-3 times. I'm up to about 10 laps! And I downloaded some good workout music on my IPOD. So when I walk, I have to stop myself from dropping down and getting my eagle on in the middle of the street. It's just that I LOVE music. LOL! As for eating....ummm....it hasn't been going too well. I estimate I'm consuming only about 300 calories a day if that! I had been eating and it would just sit on top of my pouch and not go down. It was annoying as hell! Then after I would eat, I would see food and feel a tad bit nauseous like yuck! Why did I just eat that?! I had gotten advice to start chewing my food more times....which I hate because the mush is...mushy. It loses its flavor. But these are the rules of the pouch and I must follow them. So I will work on it. I did use my food chopper on some leftover salmon. I ate two baby spoonfuls and was done. It was enough. During these last two weeks off, I will also work on getting in more protein and figuring out how I am going to manage things at work. How will I mix my protein drinks? How will I keep them cold? What will I take for breakfast? Lunch? What will my exercise schedule be? I have to join the gym I was talking about because my pool only stays open until 7pm!? I'm pondering changing my hours for the rest of August so I can make it to my community's pool...so I can put off paying to join the gym. We'll see. I have two weeks to work this all out. Mentally, I haven't encountered any depression yet. My special friend asked if I had contacted a psychologist yet, as I had mentioned to him that I planned to. I started to say "Why you ask? I seem crazier to you than I did two weeks ago?!" LOL! Nah, he's just intrigued by this whole process. He doesn't quite know what to make of all this. But I think I will wait a bit on that. So far, mentally I have felt....slight pangs of lonlieness (know that's not spelled right) that I only rarely felt pre-op. Don't know if that's related to surgery. What am I missing? It's companionship I know. But am I missing food or just...a person. So that's something to ponder. Speaking of special friends....I had contacted Derreck via e-mail to get his phone numbers again and mentioned that I was home recovering from surgery. He called that night...unexpectedly...and wanted to know what kind of surgery I had. I hesitated, but I told him. He said, "So you have to change the way you eat for the rest of your life?" I responded yes...but I was looking forward to that. I was tired of the bad feelings I got from overeating...the guilt. I half expected him to say something smart-assed and non supportive. But he didn't. He wished me well on my journey. Led me to wonder if he had considered it. I think he should. He's got some much going on in his life that I'm sure he could use more energy to tackle it all. But you can't forge someone's journey for them. And I would never ask. I'm not rude ya know!? The head hunger has started a tad. I was craving deli turkey meat and cheese. I knew that wasn't bad for me. So I did get some of that. Went down okay. (I just really hope I'm not eating some of this stuff too early. I do worry about that). But I have not given into some of my other cravings. The one for mac and cheese has been strong. I am allowed pasta in another month and a half or so. But I think I'm going to try leave that alone until Thanksgiving. it has no nutritional value so it shouldn't take up room in my pouch. But I am going to allow myself to have some mac and cheese at Thanksgiving! So I can look forward to that. But so far, it's tolerable. Today was a great day. First, I went to get some clothes in different sizes from another OH member, Diana L. She is a wonderful person with a great spirit! And she looks great! She gave me some nice stuff. A whole bin full! Plus she gave me a ton of protein. I was VERY grateful. So I have stuff I can wear now and some size 16s that I can hang up and work towards. I can't imagine getting in them. It will probably be next year I would imagine before I can get one leg in those 16s. LOL! They look SO small. Later, I went to meet some of the lovely DC/MD BAFers. We had a BALL talking about a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Everyone looked so beautiful and had beautiful spirits to match. I was glad that my angel was able to pull that together. I needed that. Took some pics which I need to add to my picture trail. I can see that I'm smaller. I won't weigh in until the 8th. But I know I'm definitely down 20lbs so far. Maybe more. I feel lighter too. My energy is returning. Teresa worried that I was on my way to getting dehydrated. So that was a wake up call. I'm going to push the liquids hard. I bought a watermelon which I had a nice size piece of over the course of the evening. Overall, at 2 weeks and 2 days, I'm doing well. I still have that feeling of doom a bit, like something is going to go wrong (can't explain that because I'm not that type of person). Maybe that is God trying top whisper in my ear to get right with this protein and H20. And maybe I'm being too fast with the solids I've been eating, which have been chicken strips, fish, chicken wingettes, crab cakes, deli turkey meat....all in small quantities. But maybe I should slow my roll before I hurt myself. Whoever said this was easy...is a HUGE LIAR! JULY 31, 2005 Entering week 4. Overall, I'm feeling better....more energy, but still not at 100%. I have some things to take care of this week. But for the most part, I am going to be taking it easy because I return to work a week from tomorrow. In a way, I'm ready because I know that's when I'll get on more of a schedule. Then on the other side, physically, I could use another week. We'll see. Will not weigh in until Aug 8 and I've stuck to that. I estimate it's about 25lbs though. I'd like to see 30lbs by Aug 8 though so I'm going to push the water/protein next week and get in 3-4 days of exercise. I can see that my face has gotten a bit smaller in the cheek area, which I'm glad about. I'm still hovering around size 24/26. Wore a shirt yesterday that was a 22/24 and it is now kinda big. But not big enough for me to let it go yet. But an 18/20 would fit better now...but that was a knit stretchy shirt. Still not getting in enough protein. But I've decided to try to make some of the protein drink recipes. So maybe that will make the drinks more appealing. Right now, I'm only drinking the Nectar Iced Tea and I'm getting sick of that. I dumped off it one evening. So I'm going to try some of the recipes with the fruit and other stuff in it, now that I'm more confident about being able to eat a few more things. My appetite is still only at about 30-40%, which is an increase actually. I actually went to Phillips buffet and was able to eat more than I thought I would. I didn't really want to go there, but I was with friends and I'm still conscious of not wanting to stand out as needing special "accomodations." I would actually prefer restaurants though so I can take home a doggie bag and feel like I'm getting my money's worth. But I solved this problem at Phillips by sneaking some stuff home. LOL! I ate small amounts of stuff and felt satisfied. I even have a few noodles of pasta. I had to stop myself from eating too much though. I concentrated on protein sources instead. Beef, crab meat, chicken. No veggies yet though. I need to concentrate on getting in some veggies this week. I plan to make or get a salad. Maybe try to make some spinach and see how that goes. Exercised a few times this past week. Swam twice and walked once. Felt guilty that I didn't get to exercise everyday. But 3xs is better than none. Emotionally, I've finally had thoughts of "what did I do to myself?" At Phillips, I saw people tearing up the crab legs like I used to...just enjoying food in large quantities and I realized that I'll never be able to do that again. I missed it for a minute. Then I looked around and saw lots of overweight or obese people. One dude looked stuffed as hell after consuming all that food. What am I REALLY missing? I left there satisfied...not overstuffed and miserable. So that passed. Before that though, my girls got some ice cream. Of course there were no non-sugary options....other than the apple juice that I got. So I felt a bit left out. But that too passed. As I'm writing, I'm fighting off a tad bit of....the same lonliness I spoke of in the last post. I guess it's the depression that they say creeps in. It's not overwhelming yet and I don't feel the urge to eat a whole cake or anything....it's not driving me to want to eat period. It's just...there. It's a small price to pay though for what I know is ahead. AUGUST 8, 2005 (ONE MONTH POST OP!)--(308lbs/-37lbs/128 lbs to goal) Praise the Lord---I made it to one month with no complications or real complaints. I feel so blessed. And drumroll please...I am between 34-38 lbs down! I had to put a range because I weighed myself on two different scales and got two different readings. One was the scale at work that had me at 307 and the other was at GNC and had me at 311. Of course I want to take the 307 because that will put me 8lbs away from my first goal 3 weeks early! My first goal, in case I hadn't mentioned it, is to be below 300 by the time I go to Miami on August 27th. Either way, it seems as if I might make it! YES!!!!!!!!! What's interesting though...if after I weighed myself and calculated the amount...I got kind of down for some reason. I still can't place the emotion...scared maybe? It's moving fast. I will probably be down 100lbs by the end of the year. The attention will start coming. I can't hide behind my weight anymore. I'll have to deal with my current relationship and how it may/may not change. It's a lot. I looked at myself in the mirror and I can see it...although for some reason I deny that I can. It's like I'm downplaying it for some reason. Need to explore that too. I'm also thinking that if I look this way at just 38lbs down....170 may be too small. Everyone keeps saying I look like I lost more than 38. Now, I do admit I don't feel like I've lost that much. That's a lot of weight. But I can tell. Today was my first day back at work. It went smoothly actually. It wasn't that hard to get up and I didn't get too tired while I was there. Everyone said how great I look. It's especially apparent to them in my face. I actually consumed more water....more protein and 3 meals today...small meals, but I actually ate 3 times plus snacks. Came home and exercised. So being back to work is a good thing in that aspect. My appetite is returning a bit as well. I'm still not getting a lot of food in. But I did eat 3 meals today for the first time and I am committed to eating consistently so my body doesn't go into starvation mode. Overall, it may seem like I'm not happy. But I am. I just can see that I will need some help adjusting...especially as it relates to the attention of the opposite sex. I joke around...but truthfully, I'm not comfortable with it. There's reasons for that, which I won't go into here. But I do need to stop procrastinating and find a psychologist.  AUGUST 19, 2005--(308lbs/-37lbs/128 lbs to goal) I've gone to the doctor now for my 6 week post op appt. and they had my weight at 308, which puts my loss at about 37lbs. So at my one month weigh in, I believe I was down maybe 31lbs. I ran into a girl there that I had met at a pre-op meeting. Things moved quickly for her! She was still considering it in June and had surgery August 10th. Anyhow, she told me she was down 22lbs already. I had to keep my face straight...especially when she told me she had not strictly been following the liquid diet. But I have to follow the advice I give to others---not to compare my loss to other folks. When have I ever lost 37lbs? Never. I think the most I've lost at a time has been 30-35. When was the last time I was so close to be under 300? Since I was like in kindergarten. LOL! So I am not going to complain. I'm going to put those thoughts out of my head when they arise. That brings me to another thing. It's just funny to me how I'm doing things I've said I'd never do. I've had thoughts of wanting the weight off yesterday...even though I rationally know that I didn't gain it in five minutes. I've found myself staring disgustedly...or a better word is, with pity at super obese women....or making disparaging comments (this particular one I'm most disappointed with myself about.) Here are the incidents: This past week on the train, on two separate incidents, two very large women came and parked themselves in a seat next to someone. I'm thinking to myself---you should stand up! Why invade the person's sapce next to you? I never sit down on the train unless I can sit down first. I just think it's rude to take up your seat and that of the person next to you. My weight is not their fault and they shouldn't have to suffer. So these are all the thoughts going through my head. And I'm simultaneously thinking that boy, I wonder if they have considered the surgery. They look so uncomfortable. Two: I was out shopping with a friend (incidentally I am now comfy enough to purchase stuff in smaller sizes. Man....they got some cute stuff! I'm going to have to clear off my credit card because I'm going to be a spending fool!) Anyhow, back to the shopping. I purchase a sweater and ask for a shopping bag so I can put the rest of my stuff in there. The cashier (who was portly) makes some comment about me needing a shopping bag for all of one item. I stopped for a minute and bit my tongue. Killed him with kindness. Stepped out of the store with my bag and told my friend what happened. What was on the tip of my tongue was "If your big, fat ass don't give me a gd shopping bag, I'm gonna come around there and slam my foot right against them peanut balls hiding behind that little d***!!!" Now the slamming of the foot is one thing (LOL), but I didn't have to mentally call him a big, fat ass. Hell, I'm still a big, fat ass! That bothered me afterwards. Why am I doing that? Now, as I'm reflecting....what right do I have to be thinking all that. And I've heard that there was a lot of that at the ATL M&G. A lot of looking down at the people that were still big. Have we forgotten from where we came? Have we forgotten what it feels like to be looked (or even stared) at with pity or disgust? I know I can't forget or I will go back there. I have no right because God can make it real easy for me to never lose another pound. This is a blessing and I should treat it as such. Anyway, enough reflection. Here are the facts. Six weeks out...still learning how to eat. Been throwing up at least once or twice a week because I eat too fast. I tend to mindlessly eat and that has real consequences. I dumped at work for the first time the other day because I was eating three things together (pepperoni, cheese, grapes) and my pouch (which I've named Priscilla in case I hadn't mentioned that) was like WTH!? so she let me know she didn't appreciate that. It was awful. But I remember consciously thinking that even as I go through this, I would do it all again. Being back to work has been fine. My energy has been pretty good. One day I forgot to take morning vitamins and I was TIRED! I couldn't even go workout. So I won't be doing that again. Right now, I'm down to a 24 in most things. BUT I have these jeans that are size 24 that I can't get one leg in! So it really depends on the cut for a lot of things. I am just praying that I'm down to an 18 by years end and down 100lbs by the 6 month mark. Those are my two largest goals. Doesn't look like I will make my first goal which was to be 299 by the time I left for Miami, which is next Saturday. Thinking about going on the protein train next week to get as close as possible. Still working out pretty consistently. I start to feel guily actually if I miss more than one day. That's a good thing! Still primarily swimming and doing Walk Away the Pounds. I've been released to do resistance training. So I'll start lifting weights next month and doing serious cardio on the treadmill and elliptical (minimum 45 minutes). I've gotten advice from my co-workers. Less weight, more reps equals a toned look versus a bulky look. I don't think I'll ever be toned, unless I have plastics. But any way I can minimize this skin, I'm going to do it. So I'll be starting to weight train 3 times a week. I plan to change my workout every 2 months to make sure I don't get bored and that my body doesn't get used to one thing. So at the 2 month mark, I'll be starting the new cardio and weight training. After that, maybe dance classes. So far, I like the way I'm looking. I am taking on an hour glass shape. I PRAY it stays like that. My stomach/waistline and bustline and shrinking the fastest it appears. I saw a posting about being realistic about this procedure and what it can do. If you started at 500lbs....it's a tad unrealistic to think you'll get down to 115 (it could happen--but not for most). So, I'm setting a more realistic goal of 190-200 as opposed to 170. If I get to 170...fine. But definitely gotta be below 200. I'm also thinking I could potentially get below a size 14, but it all depends on how hard I work to tone these thick thighs and jiggly arms. 12 would be the lowest I would want to go. But I have to also see what weight that puts me at. If I'm still above 200 and at a size 12, then, I'll have to reconsider. I know someone who started out at 26/28 and is now a 6/8 and she was 75 lbs les than me at her lowest weight! We wore the same size!!!!!! Goes to show sizes are such a fluid thing. It's all in how you carry your weight. Headed to Miami for a week. SO wishing I could drink. But dumping is real. I ain't trying to deal with that. Just think...next year I will be thinner and can drink. So it's all good! It's worth the wait... SEPTEMBER 6, 2005 I didn't plan to update until my 2 month anniversary on Thursday, but just wanted to check in and say a few things. First on the protein train the week before last, I lost about 4lbs...which is good considering I didn't get to exercise everyday and didn't make it to 100g on a couple of the days. This just proves that it's all about upping the protein to get the weight moving. So I went from 308 to 304....5 lbs from being below 300!!!! That's a total loss of about 41lbs in just under 2 months. It doesn't seem as if my sizes are moving down as fast though. I am still in a size 24. I feel like I should be in a 22 by now. But I guess since some of my 26s were getting tight and the 28s were starting to feel better, technically, I am down 2 sizes. Right now, I am just focusing on getting down to an 18 by year's end. I pray I make that goal or I will really feel like a failure. I haven't really made any of my goals thus far...namely, being below 300 by the time I went to Miami. And my next goal was to get to 50lbs lost by my 2 month anniversary. Don't think I'll see that either. But you know what, when have I ever lost 41lbs???? Never. So I'm not going to beat myself up. What is interesting is that honestly, I'm looking in the mirror naked and don't see any difference. Sometimes, I think I look even fatter! Then sometimes when I have on clothes, I can see the difference. Strange! Miami was a blast. It was my first vacation after surgery so it was definitely a lot of trial and error. First off, I have an admission to make. I did drink....a lot. And I tolerated it just fine....hard liquor, wine...it all went down fine. Not to mention, I mixed liquors and I think I had more than 2 drinks on one evening and didn't feel any more drunk than I did pre-op. The only thing that didn't feel so great was the strawberry margarita (fruity, don't know what I was thinking). I didn't dump, but I couldn't finish it and my stomach felt a little funny. I know I said I wouldn't do it. But....I did and I accept responsibility for that. I do not plan to make it a habit at all. Actually, I don't plan to drink again until the holidays. And even then, it might just be a glass of wine. I have no intentions of letting alcohol slow my loss or hurt my pouch. I'm glad that she let me enjoy myself on vacation in that aspect (since I wasted so much money on food I couldn't eat). But I am not going to abuse her like that again. I ate a lot of seafood down there...a little steak...some fried foods....fried shrimp to be exact. I did throw up a couple of times...overeating. The first meal was this GOOD chicken caesar salad (totally healthy). It was so good I ate a few too many bites and had to bring some of it back up. Another time, we ate at a restaurant which required you to get an entree, as opposed to me tending to stick to appetizers. I had already eaten these tasty scallops. So I purposely tried to bring some of the scallop back up to make room for the entree. Didn't work of course and I shouldn't have abused my pouch like that. So I ended up throwing up again after a few bites of the entree. I know this all sounds bad, but overall, I did well. Found a way to do my protein twice a day for most of the time I was there. Checked my weight and it didn't go up....didn't go down either, but that's a different story. We did a LOT of walking....at least a mile or more a day. So that helped. I write all this not to be labeled as a bad weight loss patient. But to share the TRUTH of the journey. This is all a learning experience. I'm not always going to do everything right. I'm going to take chances with my pouch. I'm not always going to eat the right things or follow the rules. But I am committed to this journey. Vacation is over and it's time to get busy. Tomorrow, I will be back in the gym and will start weight lifting 3xs a week. I have GOT to start attacking this fat. Special thanks to Princess T for being such an inspiration in this arena. I look forward to working out from afar with her. She is a wonderful person and is working her band like nobody's business. I also have to shout out my angel and shopping buddy, Ms. Praise for EVERYTHING she's done and for her encouragement. Will check in briefly on Thursday with a 2 month weigh in and will get pics up soon. SEPTEMBER 8, 2005 (HAPPY 2 MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO ME!)--(@299lbs/-46lbs/116 lbs to goal) I tell ya. I am so blessed. I made it to two months with no complications and it is getting easier everyday. I mean...what more can I ask for. Not to mention...drumroll please.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I AM BELOW 300LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got on the scale at the gym, which mirrors my doctor's scale. At first I got on with my shoes on and it said 300. I was still thrilled because the other day I was 302. So that was a loss of 2lbs in just a day or two, which was cool. I kept getting on and off to make sure it was right. It still amazes me to see the scale going down. Anyway, after my workout, I got on again. 300. Then something said....take off your shoes. 299!!!!! I got on and off a few more times because I was in disbelief. (So that is a loss since surgery of 46lbs and 60lbs from my highest weight. I was 359 in November of last year and lost 14lbs or so on phentermine during the early winter through Spring.) Okay, can I get my praise on for a minute? Can I just tell you that I cannot remember when I was last under 300lbs? Seriously. I found some old medical records from when I was 21--7 years ago--I was 341 then!!!??? So it's reasonable enough to think that I haven't been under 300 since my late teens probably. That is some serious stuff....to have all that weight burdening my heart for over 10yrs! Thank God for delivering me from that! I am SO thankful and grateful for this surgery. Anyhow, eating wise....still not eating a lot. Mainly pushing meats these days...fish, chicken wing dings (can only get in like 1 1/2), hamburger patty w/cheese (can't get all that in yet). I also do peanuts, pork rinds, cheese. I have allowed myself to have the Triscuits I was craving. I keep them in the car and dole myself out a few every couple of days or so and leave it at that. I'm getting in 2 protein drinks a day (one when I first rise in the morning and one after I work out). As of two days ago, I'm getting in 64-70 plus oz of H20. I'm adding True Lemon to it and that is helping a lot. I'm aiming for about 112-120. I have figured out how to sneak in more though. Finishing up my protein before I leave the house and taking a 9oz bottle of water with me for the ride to the train station. I get most of that in. Then when I get to work, I have green tea with splenda and True Lemon...that's 8oz out of my 20oz container. Then over the course of the day, I down the rest of that and 2 more of them. So that is around 65 or more oz give or take a few. So I'm figuring out ways to get it in. As for exercise....this is starting to go well. Right now, I am walking 1 mile on MWF and weight training for 30-45 min. I alternate upper and lower on the same day since I'm only going 3xs a week. On TTH, I'm walking 2 miles around this scenic park. I got a pedometer that counts my steps and mileage so I won't estimate anymore. Once I drop more weight and can eat more, I think I'm going to do Body for Life. I hope by month 4 or so, I can begin that. I want to be toned. I don't want the scale to say 180 and I'm still in a size 16 because I have so much fat on me. Note cute. If the scale says 195lbs and I'm in a 14 and looking toned, I'll be thrilled. I just realized my body must have some muscle tone somewhere hidden because for my weight, I should have been in a much larger size. My highest was 359! I was wearing the same sizes as folks 70lbs less than me. Muscle takes up less room than fat. I've got some clothes that are 22/24 that I was fitting fine at 359 and they are baggy now. So I've got to find the muscles and bring em out, bring em out! I actually enjoy resistance training. And I've got to once again shout out Princess Tarah for inspiring me. We are going to do Body for Life together at some point and we are going back on the protein train next week. We're going to do it once a month. I hope to drop 6-8lbs on it since I plan to work out everyday. Other than that, all is well. I'm not tired...not depressed...none of that stuff. I don't even miss food that much. It's becoming a chore to eat. I'm stilll throwing up a good deal because I haven't mastered the eating slow thing. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. Sometimes I do it and sometimes I don't. I will work on this. People at work know. It is starting to be obvious in some of the stuff I wear. I can tell by the way they look, but don't ask how I'm doing it. A few ladies commented over this past week how great I look. I can tell they know because they aren't asking questions. Which I appreciate. I guess it's obvious. I was out for a month and come back dropping weight. One lady did ask me outright....she's a sweet woman and was so supportive. So I admitted it. She told me to keep up the hard work. I told her I didn't have a choice. She said I did---a friend of hers who had it was regaining her weight. This woman at the job who had it 3 years ago is also visably regaining. I look at her with pity everytime I see her. I want her to STOP IT! But that's not for me to say. I don't know her like that. Anyhow, I'll update my pics this weekend. I know my angel is going to document my 2 month anniversary at the Philly M&G. I also took pics in Miami and will add those sometime later next week. Be back soon....with more good news I know! On another note, please send prayers up for the woman from the main board that died a few days after surgery leaving behind 3 small children. Please pray for her hubby's strength to go on and explain to those children that they will never see their Mom again. Also a friend of a friend is back in the hospital with some sort of kidney infection after surgery. Lastly, please send one up for the victims of Katrina. SEPTEMBER 18, 2005--(@295lbs/-50lbs/115 lbs to goal) *two month pics are now on the picturetrail--thanks Madame R!* Last check, I'm down to 295...exactly 50lbs lost in about 9 1/2, 10 weeks. So I would say I'm doing pretty well, wouldn't you? *smile* No excess skin so far anywhere except my right breast strangely. I noticed some bagging up there, but nowhere else so far. I am treating my skin at night with two types of toning/firming creams. They may not help with the toning, but I know they will keep me baby soft and touchable *wink* You know when my cousin asked and brought up the fact that I had lost so much so soon....that was when it occured to me that yea, this is a lot of weight and perhaps I should be seeing some skin. It's funny how other people have to point it out to you. I guess I'm so focused on the 115lb person I still need to get off that I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll have to monitor that (my reactions and the skin). Now wearing a size 22! Down from my highest size of 26/28. I'm most thrilled about this because a) don't remember the last time I was in a 22. Literally, I don't remember. b) I thought I wasn't going down in sizes at a normal rate. I was like how am I still wearing a 24 when I've lost over 40lbs. But I guess since I don't go into the stores much anymore, I don't try on clothes to see what sizes I'm in. I went into LB's and picked out a couple of skirts, some pants, and tops to just try on. I could fit into an 18/20 stretchy top comfortably and the 22 skirts and pants. The 22 looked GOOD on me. I wanted to buy it but what for? I'll be sliding into those 20s soon....hopefully to reach my first major goal of a size 18 by November or December....in time to get my shop on in the garmet disrict during my trip to see my first Broadway play in adulthood...The Color Purple (SO excited). There should be more room in the train seat next to me. Won't be as tight in the theatre seat. So much little stuff. I am already praising him! Still in summer clothes for now though. Haven't ventured into the Fall stuff that's been donated. Most of the summer stuff is big on me, but I can still wear them without looking too sloppy. I did have a bad day on Friday where I wore a 26/28 top and 26 bottoms. I looked frumpy. I admit it. But I just had to wear it one more time. It's a cute outfit! One thing that bothers me slightly is that people are mostly saying that they see the loss in my face. I actually just heard that about an hour ago for about the 5th or 6th time. I'm thinking, I've lost 50 dayum pounds. So some of it had to come up off my ass! Recognize that please!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm halfway kidding. I mean I guess I understand what they mean because I was looking at some pics that I took the night before surgery and my face was HUMUNGOUS! It was one of those moments where you're like--damn, I thought I was cute. I looked like Pillsbury Dough Girl. Pinch and tickle my azz for goodness sakes! It was shocking. So I understand where that is the most dramatic. But counter that against someone who commented that she noticed around my neckline. So that was a good counter for the face comments. Heh, I should be glad I'm losing period and that people have been encouraging and not hating. Overall, I'm doing well. Notice I'm walking faster. Tonight, I noticed I can cross my legs more comfortably! I almost lost it at the lounge tonight with my friends when I crossed my legs and it felt MUCHmore comfortable. They wouldn't have understood though. So I kept it to myself. I'm eating pretty good. I haven't dumped in a while...with the exception of the once or twice weekly throwing up session I get when I eat too fast. That continues to plague me. Just did the protein train this week. Won't weigh again until I got back to the doctor's office though. Don't want to get obsessed. It will be hard though because the scale is RIGHT there at the gym. And it matches up with the doctor's scale. SIGH! Anyhow, still not eating a whole lot of food. But mostly protein sources....about 95% of what I eat daily is protein. Need to start incorporating veggies and fruits though. I can't right now though. It's a struggle to get in the meat....enough to get at least half the protein. Take my vitamins. Walking 1-2 miles a resistance training 3-4 times a week. Need to up that to five and stick with it. I worked out a schedule for myself though that's do-able. And I enjoy resistance training. I'm still pondering the mental aspect. My co-worker (the one who's almost 3 years post op and down 188) and I got into a discussion the other day about how differently people act...how she sees herself now, etc. She said she wished she had written some of her thoughts down. I'm so glad for this forum. My mother told me she had a dream in which I appeared svelte and slim (her 2nd one--the first one was pre-op and that's when I knew it would happen because we both don't dream haphazardly). Anyhow, what was interesting about this dream is that all the weight had settled down into my legs...ALL of it. But she was the only one who noticed it. No one else seemed to see it. I was at this place talking to this dude who wouldn't leave me alone...and she was off to the side somewhere just staring at it. I took it literally. Oh no! Maybe that's what going to happen and I need to work my legs! But now I'm looking past my self-consciousness and realizing that the dream is more about her than me. I think subconsciously she's worried about how I'll change after surgery and what our relationship will be like. I don't know. I'll have to run this by my therapist....when I get one. New goals: My 3 month post op appointment which is October 11th--to be at about 285 for a 60lbs loss. I want to be down 100lbs by month 5, 6 at the latest. I think that will put me at my first major goal size of 18. If I don't get there, I won't beat myself up. But if I do, you're going to hear about me running bucked naked down 95 South. SEPTEMBER 21, 2005 Very quick update...and I mean that this time. LOL! A few more pics on the picture trail, courtesy of my angel. My official 2 month pics. She's my personal photographer *smile* Also, I had a ROUGH day the day before yesterday. I threw up everything I ate. I'm going back to soft foods for a while and soups when Fall ever gets itself here. I'm actually tired of the warm weather. Ready for the Fall. Lastly, I've been mean as a rattle snake lately. Thinking and saying some NASTY stuff. I don't know if this is a side effect of the surgery. Am I subconsciously mad because I can't eat? I don't feel like that's it. Or if it's from lack of sleep, although I don't feel particulary sleepy during the day...any more than normal. Am I unhappy about something? With myself? If this continues though without explanation, I'm going to have to step it up with finding a therapist. I'm liable to lose a friend or my job with the things that are on the tip of my tongue. And I am too blessed to show out like that. LOL! SEPTEMBER 26, 2005--(290lbs/-55lbs/110 lbs to goal) Getting close to my 3 month anniversary. I'm thinking of it as the honeymoon being halfway over. I know I'll keep losing after that, but not at the rate I have been losing. So that means I need to get busy. I'm now at 290 (which incidentally is the same weight on my driver's license finally--(YIPEE! small wow moment there!). This means I have 45lbs to go until I get to the century club, which I definitely want to do by my 6 month anniversary. Since I look smaller than 290, I can probably coast on towards goal from there. But I am getting to be fanatic about getting that first 100lbs off before the honeymoon is over. Because it's at 245 and/or a size 18 when I will really feel like I've gotten somewhere and worked my tool. The other 65 I'm going to work at just as hard, but won't be as fanatic about I think in part because I would drive myself crazy since it's not going to come off as fast. Me and my new friend Princess Tarah (feel like I've known that chick forever) are both on a mission and we've been supporting each other. We both want to get to 100lbs by December (January at the latest for me). This week we're on a water and protein challenge. I've been struggling to get in all the water. But I have increased my protein to 3 shakes a day plus 3 tablespoons of the nasty liquid protein for a total of @103-108g just from shakes. And I've been mainly doing protein otherwise. Little to no carbs. So basically, I'm on the train. Next week, we're doing an exercise challenge. The next month, back on the protein train for a week. I am so glad to have met her. She inspires me so much...especially on the working out tip. I had the courage to get my tail up on the elliptical and I did 10 minutes the first time and 15 minutes (equivalent of a mile) the second time. That is a workout! I'm trying to work up to 45 minutes on that alone followed by my strength training 3xs a week. Feeling blessed to be taking this journey. People are REALLY noticing. Comments left and right. One girl did a double take today as I was getting off the elevator. It was funny actually. My supervisor (4 years post op) said there is more pep in my step. Wanted to say I guess so! I'm carrying 55 less lbs. on this body. It's easier to strut! LOL! I'm thinking my inches are moving faster than my weight because sometimes I look in the mirror and see far less than a 290lb woman who is still wearing a size 22. I can't imagine what I'll look like at goal. It's hard for me to visualize myself at anything less than I am now actually. More attention from men already...and I haven't really even gotten anywhere yet! Quite honestly, and I haven't even admitted this to myself until now, my thoughts and feelings are with one man who has been there since I weighed 345. Who has supported me and cared since Day One of this journey. But that's not to be. So I guess I better eat up some of this attention! And you know I will! On occasion I'll come across someone who knows someone who is considering the surgery and ask me if I wouldn't mind talking to them. I always agree to immediately. This is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Now I am saying this because I have had no complications and no major depression so far (still dealing with the feelings of impatience and anger I mentioned in my last post though). So I can recommend it only as someone who has had a relatively smooth ride. I don't miss food as much as I thought I would---perhaps because I have eaten most anything I've wanted and find that I don't miss the McDonalds and Popeyes as much as I thought I would. I make my own hamburgers and bake my own chicken and it satisfies me. Now I'm still early out in the honeymoon phase where my cravings haven't returned full force. The scale is still going down each time I get on it. So I'm driven, encouraged. But I wonder when my body is crying out for sweets and carb-a-licious stuff and a rack of size 12/14 clothes are in my closet---the scale reads a perfect 180. What then? Will I have regrets? Will I finally start mourning food? Could I recommend it then? OCTOBER 11, 2005 --(284lbs/-61lbs/104 lbs to goal) HAPPY THREE MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!! I tell ya. Just when you start having thoughts like..."things are moving too slowly" or "maybe this won't work for me," He just shows up and shows out. I had a goal to get to 60lbs lost by my 3 month anniversary and I'm at 61! I am so grateful especially when I didn't have the best week last week in terms of protein and water and snacking on chocolate (PMSing). And I didn't exercise at all. So I didn't deserve to lose a pound. But apparently I was blessed to in spite of. I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth though. I'm back on track this week with everything except the exercise. Still working on that one. Anyhow I'm now 3 months out. 284. Wearing size 22, but that's getting a little loose. So I should be in 20s soon. I still put on my 26 jeans with a belt though and it looks terrible in the front the way it sags. But they are so damn cute I just have to get a couple of wears out of them. I bought them and gained weight and they were just a bit too snug to wear often. So now that they fit comfortably, I just have to get in them a few times before I let them go. I'm going to have a hell of a tax year between the house and all the stuff I'm going to donate to Goodwill. I was in there today to buy some stuff and they are in desperate need of plus sized clothes. Have I got some for them!? I don't know anyone who wears my sizes so might as well donate them. Speaking of Goodwill, I am about to be the thrift store queen until I settle into a size. I found about 5 sweaters, a pair of pants, a sweater jacket, and two coats (1 NICE London Fog) all for $64! I just had to let go of the thought that I'm wearing some strangers clothes. This stuff is nice! I will be frequenting them because I would just rather wait until I am in a 14 to really invest in some quality pieces. Luckily that's my Mom's size or it used to be (she's a 12 now) so I will get some stuff from her too. It's funny. I hold up size 12 and 14...even 16 and I just can't imagine sliding into them. They seem so small! When I do get stuff in smaller sizes it's usually no smaller than a large or a size 16 pants. That's all I can see right now. Anyway, enough of my shopping jones. Eating is getting better. I don't throw up half as much as I used to. I can eat more too, which is good so I can get more calories and not be in starvation mode. Typically, I'm eating mostly meat...like chicken, fish, pork chops, turkey bacon. I don't snack too much but it's usually pork rinds or cheese cubes. I did have a bad week last week with the Triscuits. But I'm letting that go. I came, I saw, I conquered and it's over. I passed by them in the store yesterday and left them right there. Exercising still hasn't become a regular thing for me...well not as regular as I like. I want to become a gym rat. I'm just going to have to pray on that one. The lazy demon is still very much a part of me. When I do go, I've gotten up to 30 minutes on the elliptical which is 2 miles and about 45 min of weight training. I've probably shot that all to hell by being away for over a week. But I should be getting back on track as soon as tomorrow. Some is better than none. I can't complain about loose skin and slow loss if I'm not doing my part. So I went to my 3 month appt. today and ran into the woman I used to work with...the one from the November 21st, 2004 post. So it's been a year since I've seen her. She looks GREAT! She said she's lost 200lbs! There is a HUGE difference and she was almost a year out then. I think she rededicated herself. She does cardio for an hour everyday. So that goes to show that even after the honeymoon you can keep losing. I was so glad to see her. I plan to keep in touch with her for motivation because she really is doing her thing. So the only down side is my continued feelings of rage. I know it's normal because I've seen posts about it. So I'm not too concerned. I can blame it on the hormones. And if I think about it, for the last couple of years, I've always gotten depressed at this time of the year. I don't know if it's because I'm coming up on yet another year at a job I'm bored to tears with. Change in the season. Who knows? But I do know that a lot of what I'm feeling...the....not wanting to be bothered most times is related to the rapid loss. Like sometimes I could literally sit at home and not really talk to anyone for days on end and be just fine with that. Not that my Mom would let that happen. (Often, she's the only one I want to talk to luckily). And then other times I want to be Social Butterfly of the Hour. Just depends on my mood. But I just hope people understand what I'm going through and don't take it personally. But all that is minor and more than tolerable for what I'm getting in return. Perfect blood pressure readings. Slimmer appearance. Increased energy. What more could I ask for? OCTOBER 14, 2005 I'm in the process of packing away summer clothes to donate to charity...and I'm scared. Scared that I'm giving away my whole wardrobe and....what if I need it again? The clothes are swimming on me now but what if something happens and I don't lose anymore weight or I regain all the weight and I have no clothes?! I know this is totally irrational and will likely never happen. But as I'm packing and trying on stuff that slides right back off, I can't deny that these thoughts are there. I think I'm experiencing fear of success. A friend of mine was sharing this concept with me today. She is in training to be a spiritual counselor through Iyanla Vanzant's institute. Most people have a fear of failure, but a fear of success is knowing that you can do a particular thing and be very successful at it. But maybe you're scared of the what will happen when you get to that point of ultimate success. What will be expected of you then? In my case, maybe I'm scared to shed my fat suit because then I'll be expected to actually get out and interact more with people and actually be comfortable doing it....not subconsciously wondering what they are thinking of me and my weight. (This is not with the everyday people I interact with---but maybe in a networking situation or meeting someone highly successful themselves). I think about the reasons I may have put this fat suit on myself...an insight I got from Crystal Phillips "The Me I Thought I Could Be" and know that maybe I need to deal with that before I can ever believe I will be a success at this...and not be fearful of what being a success at this entails. In other words, I've talked about seeking help for a while now and I really need to get on that. I think to get insurance to cover the visits, I need to complain of depression...which isn't exactly that far from the truth on certain days. On a less heavier note (pun intended), I am at that crazy stage that I always prided myself on avoiding when I was heavier. When I was 359lbs, I wore the same size on the top and the bottom. 26/28 or 22/24 tops and bottoms. That meant I could buy suits and sets easily. Over the last couple of days, I've gone to Marshalls and LB's to do my fake shopping bit where I get a bunch of stuff in the next size down and try them on to see if I'm in yet...no intentions on buying any of it. So I'm going for size 20 now. I pick up a few pairs of jeans and a pair of courduroys. The jeans screamed and moaned in agony as I tried to force them up my ample hips and thighs...to no avail of course. The cords actually did fit...but they were stretch. And yea they FIT. So if I were more enamored with them, I could have gotten them. At LB's, I went in with a size 18/20 button down shirt on so I was optimistic that my hips and azz had caught up too. I picked up various skirts and pants in size 20 and another 18/20 shirt (that I intended to buy). I also picked up a pair of the size 22 Seven jeans (last time I was in I STILL couldn't wear the 24s which was the highest they went up to--which was crazy because I could wear a 22 in everything else). The 20 pants and skirts didn't even try to work with me. The 22 Seven jeans FIT just like the cords. The 18/20 shirt fit. Said all that to say I'm apparently a 22 on the bottom and an 18/20 on top. I don't know why that irks me! I like wearing the same size. So that may mean that buying dresses will be difficult for a while until my body settles down. The 18/20 could also be as a because I'm now in a 40C bra *excuse me while I sob* I'm down from a DD cup to a C and I still have 104lbs to lose!?!?! I am going to have to get implants. LOL! I'm back to my usual sarcastic self at this point in case you're getting mad that I'm complaining about losing. It doesn't escape me that I haven't worn an 18/20 ANYTHING in over a decade. It doesn't escape me that my bust line went from a 46 to a 40 since the Philly M&G last month. The inches are moving. And the most important thing: I also have to repeat what I've said 1,000 times since this started and I'll say it again. I will be suicidal if my booty goes flat and it looks like it ain't going nowhere no time soon and I ain't mad at that!!!!! OCTOBER 17, 2005 --(280lbs/-65lbs/100 lbs to goal!!!) 3 month pics are posted in my picture trail. They look awful...dark and messy. But I am not a Photoshop expert and didn't feel like messing with them any further. I hope they are able to be viewed well enough. They were taken at the hotel during the C&L Meet and Greet Kickoff before we went to see the skrippers! We had a BALL! I truly enjoyed myself. It lifted my spirits a great deal. I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while. On another note, I think the drama has started. I noticed that a friend of mine, after receiving the 3 month pics, made comments like "I need to get on the ball!" and asking how much I'm trying to lose and what size I'm trying to get to like we're in a competition. Now I want to think that my loss is just inspiring her to take care of her health...and maybe that's all it is. But I have heard the stories of how people change...especially women. So I'm monitoring the situation. I hope she doesn't show out. I have to say I would be surprised if she did---and disappointed. But as long as those closest to me are in my corner, I'm cool. We're close but we don't go wayyyyy back. My cousin has made similar comments but she's family so I guess I have to keep her. UPDATE: Hmmmm...just realized I've been on OH for a year on the 12th. Wow! Anyway, I went back to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks. Hell, at least I went back. I know, bad weight loss patient. I have no excuse. Anyhow, the workout felt good. I'm back on track. Anyway, I got on the scale and discovered I had lost another 4lbs since my doctor's visit 6 days ago. So now I'm at 280---exactly 100lbs from goal!!!!!!!!! I know that seems like a lot and it is. But somehow it seems within reach to me now. It's strange. So that's the kind of loss a sista likes to see! I was shocked because I full expected the scale not to have moved since I hadn't exercised last week and was a little too friendly with the Triscuits, aalthough my eating has still been mainly protein--really all protein--outside of the Triscuits. I really think it was the B-12 shot. So I'll be getting one once a month on or about the 8th of the month. I'll either make it to the doctor's office or I'll find out how to go about giving it to myself. It seems pretty simple. I also notice that my energy is better too. I wasn't sleeping on the train ride home today and wasn't too tired to go work out. So once a month like clockwork, I'm there! I also noticed my workout was a little easier. They say it gets easier as the weight comes off. I kept stealing glances of myself in the mirror and I really could see it. My azz didn't look quite as monstrous bobbing up and down on that elliptical. I'm also about to get me a balance ball just to sit on and to lift weights on. I was reading about it today and saw it works the abs which I haven't been doing yet. So I need all the help I can get there. Off to have my evening protein drink. I think I'm going to stick with the Nectar Iced Tea. That's the only one I really like. Now what to do about them damn 4 other canisters I got in there. I tell ya if you don't listen to anything else I've said--don't buy a bunch of protein until you settle on the one you like!!!! OCTOBER 25, 2005 --(276lbs/-69lbs/96 lbs to goal!!!) Whew! It feels good to look up there and see only double digits to goal now. I'm on the SERIOUS protein train this week so hopefully I'll be able to lower that even more on the next post. Just wanted to stop through and say I added a couple of pictures to the picture trail. I was playing around with my new Treo's camera function. They aren't the greatest but I am starting to enjoy taking pics now so I thought I'd add them I'll update at the end of the train and probably add more pics after my angel's birthday celebration this weekend. OCTOBER 31, 2005 --(274lbs/-71lbs/94 lbs to goal) Well I've arrived at the difficult part of this journey....at least one of the mentally difficult parts. Up until now, every time I've gotten on the scale it has gone down. Today, I weighed in and was shocked to see an increase of 2 lbs from Friday when I had last weighed. I was just sooooo sure that I would see 270 after weighing in 272 on Friday. This represented a 4lb loss in 4 days. Surely, my 95% successful train ride would produce the results I was looking for. NOT! I could not believe that I had GAINED weight while riding. I got off and on the scale 3 times, blinked my eyes in case my contacts were dirty and I just couldn't see. I was straight clowning! I felt I was entitled. This was my first time experiencing this. So my first thought was to beat myself up about my two pitstops: a mini Reese cup on the first day and grapes and fried wings on day 6. Yeah day 6 must have piled those two lbs back on. Then I started wondering whether it was water weight gain. I haven't tracked my cycle so I never know when it's going to show up. And the ensuing deep depression that I felt myself slipping into seemed to make this a good guess. You would have thought I regained all 70plus lbs in one fell swoop the way my mood just changed. Never mind that I can now fit into a size 20...down from a 26/28 (so I could have lost inches because a 20 was still tight last time I checked). Never mind that literally I have people at work coming up to me every day telling me how great I look...some people I don't really even know! You just never know who is watching you. Who cares about all that---when the scale went UP while I was eating right and had exercised more than I had in the past couple of weeks? I was following the rules and not being rewarded for it?!?! All these thoughts are swimming through my head while I'm struggling to get through my workout because suddenly it feels like I'm 350lbs again. My dreams of being 260 by the time I get on that train to see my Mom for the first time since surgery the day on the day before Thanksgiving seemed to just float away. It's just crazy the mental tricks that played on me. My stomach felt like it just bloated up. I just wanted to pack my stuff up and go home. But I manned up and pressed on through both phases of my workout. This has been a lesson for me. This is a journey. There will be highs and LOWS. This was my first low and I have to keep pressing. Now that I'm more rational, I'm glad this happened. I So, I won't weigh in again until around my 4 month anniversary....and I'll do that at the doctor's office while getting a B-12 shot. Meantime, I'll work on an attitude adjustment. NOVEMBER 8, 2005 --(?????) HAPPY 4 MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO ME! I will have stats for you in a couple of days when I make it to the doctor's office to get my B-12 shot and weigh in. Since the fiasco from last post, I have managed to stay away from the scale....which also means I've stayed away from the gym...but more on that later. But I just had to come in and do my 4 month anniversary post and give the official update as to how my journey is going in the 4th month...the highs and lows. Overall, I am THRILLED. I estimate I weigh about 270 now (hope I'm not in for a shock when I weigh in on Thursday or Friday--LOL!but it would be my own fault). But I will confirm the number shortly. I am wearing an 18/20 top....even put on an XL top the other day too and it fit good. I don't know anything about sizes below the 20s because I literally have not worn them in AGES. So I'm sticking with 1x-2x tops depending on the cut and 20 bottoms. I still wear some of my 22 bottoms though, even though they are too loose. Some 20s are too tight. But most 20s fit. I did my Lane Bryant faux shopping spree and I am fitting into 20W in there. So I'll go with that. Their clothes are well made so I let that be the judge. I still have this ASS (not booty) so it makes fitting into some jeans a doozy. I have also discovered that my breasts (which have definitely taken a trip southbound) are not quite a 40C as I previously reported. Well actually, and this is TMI, the left one is a C and the right is a D. This was never a problem when they were bigger. I put both of them in DD cups and it worked out just fine. I'm just glad that it's not noticable when I'm clothed. But I guess the exciting part of this whole thing is that I am truly a 40. It feels comfortable. So it will be interesting to see where I'll end up when I get to goal. But I do know that these things can't get no lower. I'm looking at them now thinking a lift may HAVE to be in order one day if this gets any worse. I can't carry them around in my lap! So overall, I feel good. I move quicker. The inches are coming off nicely giving me a very round curvy shape so far. Never am really out of breath or feel extraordinarily tired. My blood pressure was normal last time I had it checked. I feel good. Apparently I look good because there is not a day that goes by when someone at my job doesn't comment and tell me how good I look. Or someone will say they didn't recognize me from behind or something. Somehow the constant comments embarrass me sometimes. But most times I enjoy it and am thankful that everyone has been so supportive. No one has even mentioned the surgery to me....although I know everyone knows about it. When someone asks me how I did it, I don't lie. And no one has ever had a negative response. I guess I've been fortunate in that sense. Eating wise...I'm good about 85% of the time. I can eat a bit more that in the beginning, but not much. And NOWHERE as much as I used to. I actually try to eat as much as I can when I'm eating the good stuff because I want to get as much of my protein from food as I can. Typically, I have a shake early morning....then maybe some turkey bacon and an egg for breakfast. Lunch may be a piece of meat of some kind...same thing for dinner. I don't get in many veggies at all. Or fruit. Month 4 I need to work on that before I get a deficiency. I did my blood work and wonder if they found anything bad. I'll find that out this week too. I have not thrown up nearly as much as I did earlier in this journey. I do still battle the quick eating and having one bite too many sometimes. But since I seem to be getting that together because it's rare for me to throw up now. I admit I have had the occasional drink. Lately, it's been a martini or a glass of wine. Obviously, this is not something I am going to stop doing. It's averaged out to about once or twice a month in a social setting. Actually, it has been once a month exactly now that I think about it. I have liquor at home that I've had since I was pre-op but never touch it. The desire never comes until I'm out in public. Actually, it's not a desire. It's almost like it's automatic for me to order a drink. I do so without thinking. But this is NOT something I would advise any pre-ops that are considering surgery or new post-ops to do. You may have an ulcer or you may dump violently. It's not for everyone. Hell, it's probably not for me! Actually I know it's not. But I am not going to lie and say I'm not going to do it again. I just don't want to give the impression that I'm celebrating or advocating it. Back to my do-gooder self. Me and Princess T (or whoever the heck she is--inside joke) have done the protein train once a month for a week for the past 3 months so we plan to do that next week right before the holidays. I plan to focus on leaner meats this time around like fish and lean turkey and chicken. I've been eating a lot of hamhocks and neckbones. Although they have a lot of protein, they aren't what I should be choosing. So it's all about fish next week. Maybe some scallops one night too. I'm about to change my vitamins up. I was taking Optisource 3-4 times a day. Now I'll start a multi, D, Cal Citrate, and Biotin. I'm also taking Ester C to get my immume system together. As for exercise....oh boy. I still have not managed to be consistent with that. I'll go real steady for a minute and then fall off. This week I've been working late and moving all kinds of stuff around in my house...carrying stuff back and forth down to the storage. So I'm not being idle when I get home. But it's not the same as a workout. There's no excuse. I'm going to have to go into prayer over that one. I know the consequences. And my loss for this past month will probably reflect my spotty workout routine. Not to mention the weight training I'm doing is just a waste because I'm not consistent with it. Although I have lost this weight, I'm still lazy. I don't know how to get the lazy demon off of me. Or is that just how I am? Or am I setting myself up to fail? Not exercising consistently...eating bad things sometimes....see, this is where the hard part comes in. I think my honeymoon is officially over. Something else I've been pondering before I go is relationships and intimacy at this weight. I think I'm more apprehensive about it now than when I was 359! Somehow, I think I'm more self conscious about my body. And I wonder if that's because of the difference in the men I'm attracting or because of the armor I'm shedding that was protecting me from REALLY dealing with them? That's TMI for this forum actually but I'll let it stay. Someone may gain some insight from it. Well, I'll end this until later in the week when I get some stats. I am so greatful for this surgery and I am still focused on making it to goal by my birthday. Prayerfully.... NOVEMBER 11, 2005 --(271lbs/-74lbs/91 lbs to goal!!!) Went over to the doctor's office today with the intentions of getting a B12 shot but my levels were already high according to the bloodwork I had with me. So I didn't get it. But I will continue to take it sublingually. The majority of my other levels were pretty good but she did say I may be on the way to becoming anemic. So I guess when I go back in January, I'll re-test then. I just need to make sure to stay on top of my vitamins and get as much iron from them as possible. So now on to what you all want to know. I got on two different scales at the office. One said 271 and the other said 273. The lady there said one was much more sensitive and since I wasn't naked, which they say you should be when you weigh, you know I'm going with the 271! So officially, as of the 4 month mark, I'm down 74lbs, which makes a 13lb loss since last month. I still have 91lbs left until I get to goal. I'm 12lbs away from century club technically if we're counting from my highest weight, which was 359 in 11/04. But since I'm counting from the day of surgery I still have 26lbs to go. I hope to get there by my 6 month mark. But I do have a goal of being in a size 18 by years end and I'm in a 20 now. Since it seems that things are slowing down...or I'm slowing myself down, until I make the adjustments and stop acting like this is magic and I don't have to WORK IT, then these are just words right now. I just have to do better with getting in the water, all protein and exercising regularly. I'm going to come up with some ways this weekend of making sure that happens. I'm on the serious protein train with Princess Terrible....err...Tarah next week and I intend to really work that especially since the holidays are approaching. It would be great to be sashaying into some holiday parties in a size 18. Already, I've got stuff to have protein hot chocolate in the mornings. I bought leaner meats at the store...chicken, turkey products, fish...as opposed to the neckbones and hamhocks. I need to leave that stuff alone for a while. I expect to see some results this time since there is no cycle this time packing on the pounds. But you know what, I know that since I follow the rules the majority of the time, the weight will come off. I can't rush this. My body needs to adjust. I've lost a large amount of weight in a short amount of time and I've never lost this much weight ever. Now let's see if I remember this if I should get on the scale next week after I get off the train and it hasn't moved a bit! LOL! NOVEMBER 17, 2005 Okay, I just had a HUGE wow moment today. My angel aka my personal shopper told me about a sale at Macy's so I went to check it out. Wasn't too impressed by what I found since I am so cheap these days (well aside from the shoping spree I went on at LB and Ashley Stewarts this past weekend-but I had coupons). Anyway, decided to try on pants anyway mostly in 20s. Then I saw an 18WP...the only 18 pants I saw. So I took them in with me. I thought to myself...what the hell. Might as well get a laugh out of this. THEY FIT! Of course they looked like capris because I am nowhere near petite. LOL! But I got in them and buttoned them up. I was stunned. How could I just have been wearing 20s on Saturday and 18s today? And I JUST got into 20s like a week or two ago. So I staggered out of the dressing room and hurried over to LB to try on some more. I grabbed a skirt and two pairs of pants in 18 average. THEY LOOKED GREAT! I started praising God right there in the dressing room. I almost started crying. I am out of the 20s! My prom dress was a 20. So that tells you how long it's been. And what amazes me is that I'm somewhere around 270 (haven't weighed yet). So what will 180 be? I just can't fathom that I could be wearing a size 10!?! I haven't worn that size since I was probably 9 or 8. Who knows? I haven't even gotten to my goal size but this moment alone is worth anything I've gone through with this procedure and anything I will go through. I am SO greatful to be given my life back. I feel so good and I know I'm looking even better. LOL! I wasn't planning on getting into 18s until year's end. I may be in some 16s by then! I'm also greatful to God that I've gotten this far without any excess skin! I can't really attribute it to intense exercise because we know I've been slacking on that. I guess it's just genes, having great skin beforehand, and youth. Now watch some show up. LOL! I know I'll have some. I guess I'm just surprised that it hasn't reared it's ugly head yet. Or maybe I just don't recognize it? I may have to get someone to give me a full body search *wink* I'll take some pics next week. My Mom loves playing photographer so I'll probably get her to take a whole roll when I go home for Thanksgiving. You'll be sick of looking at me! I'll update when I get off the train which will probably be Monday. NOVEMBER 18, 2005 New pics on the picture trail. I took them at work today because I thought I looked cute. The quality is awful but you get the point :-) Be back on Monday when I weigh in. NOVEMBER 21, 2005 --(266lbs/-79lbs/86 lbs to goal!!!) Just checking in with the stats as promised. As you can see above, I'm down to 266. That represents a loss of 79lbs from the date of surgery. That's 93lbs down from my highest weight of 359 which was recorded in November of 2004. So technically, I'm only 7lbs away from century club. But since I'm only going by what I've lost since surgery, I have 21lbs to go. I'm down from a 26/28 to a size 18! My BMI has dropped 14 points from 54.6 to 40.4. I'm still morbidly obese but I'm heading down. Can we say this journey has been SO worth it!?!? I just talked to my neighbor's daughter who is going to have surgery with Dr. Harrington. I couldn't stop running my mouth about the surgery. I know she was like damn, can I get a word in edgewise?! But when you're excited about something, it's hard to contain yourself. This has been the best thing to happen to me and I am so glad to be able to share my experience with anyone that will listen. There are also some new pics on the picturetrail. I promise...I won't bore ya'll with pics everyday for goodness sakes. LOL! But when I think I look extra cute, I just have to capture the moment. Take a look! NOVEMBER 25, 2005 --(263lbs/-82lbs/83 lbs to goal!!!) First, the liquid protein train didn't go too bad. I lost 3lbs in 2 days. Can't complain about those stats at ALL! It really allowed me to focus on getting back to basics== getting in more protein and water. I didn't have to worry about managing the food and drink times. I could just drink all day. So I got in at least 80oz of water and 3-4 shakes both days. I'm thinking next week on the serious train, I'm going to do shakes all day and just have dinner. I'm really pressing to get to my official century club by year's end. Let me back up. Did I mention that at 263, technically, I'm 4lbs away from century club?! My highest weight was 359 as recorded in November 2004 by Dr. Tapscott, the nutritionist. So at 259, technically, I will have reached century club. But since I'm really counting from the day of surgery, when I was about 345, I have 18lbs to go to get to 245. So I'm calling that my official century club. That's when I'll apply for the card for my profile and I'll have to celebrate in some big way. I know my thinking is a little backwards on that one. But that difference will just push me on. I figure at 245, I may be able to get into some 16s. Not THAT I'm really excited about. I've also started a new vitamin regime. I've stopped the 4 a day, all in one Optisource and now am taking each of my vitamins individually. Dr. Tapscott told me to do that at my last appointment. So here is what I'm doing: Morning: 1 multi and 1 calcium citrate Midmorning: biotin, vitamin D, and ester c (not related to surgery---building up immune system) Lunch-B-12 and Echinecea (immunity defense) Dinner: multi and calcium citrate Bedtime: Iron I'm still working on this schedule. It will probably have to be tweaked. But this is the plan I've been following for the last couple of days. I think I may move the 2nd Calcium pill to lunch time so it will be further away from the iron. But there's usually 3 to 5 hours that separates my dinner time and bedtime. So we'll see. Lastly, well I made it through my first holiday. I did eat pie and cake and politely threw it back up quite easily. My pouch was like "You must have lost your dayum mind!" Other than that, I nibbled. Wasn't too hungry because I took the Sparke supplement, which curbed my carb cravings. So I nibbled on some stuffing and veggies. But I mostly ate turkey. Overall, I would say it was a success. Even though I dumped, Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm still unlearning bad habits. I thought I was going to tear up the mac and cheese until I was a bloated pig. Actually all that food was overwhelming. I guess also when you do the cooking, by the time you sit down to eat, you just don't want it! I did get in two protein shakes. So I was proud of that. Overall, my first holiday went well. What the holiday did bring out was the realization that I have this fear of just gaining the weight back in one swoop. I felt like anything bad I ate would add 10lbs back on. I know it's irrational, but not uncommon because I've heard others speak on this. I wonder whether these thoughts ever go away. DECEMBER 8, 2005 --(259lbs/-86lbs/79 lbs to goal!!!) HAPPY FIVE MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!! Well...time is moving right along isn't it? I feel so blessed to have made it to 5 months with no complications. But it's funny, I would have made this post earlier in the evening if I hadn't spent it resting after a dumping episode. Not certain what caused it...I know I ate a few bad things earlier in the day and drank a protein drink right before I left work. But usually, I dump right away. Maybe God was working with me so I wouldn't get sick on the train ride home. Let me get my praise on for that one! That would have been awful! Anyhow, as you can see from the weight above, I am at 259, which technically puts me in century club since my highest weight was 359. I still have 14lbs until I get to 100lbs lost since surgery though. I plan to really grind and get there by month's end. Hopefully, that will be 245, size 16, XL shirts (well, I'm in some XL now but I want to be firmly in XL). My loss was 12lbs this past month. Actually, as of yesterday, I was 265, which would have only represented a loss of 6lbs. So I was dreading posting that. But guess I was carrying some water weight which I got rid of overnight. I finally got a scale (a Tanita) so I should be able to track it better. I plan to keep it in the basement though or I will literally be on that thing every day and I don't want that. My BMI is finally below 40..about a 10 point drop there! My body fat is 31% down from 49%. Haven't had a blood pressure reading but I think that's okay as well. I don't go back to the surgeon's office until next month and I usually do my complete physical in February. I feel lighter though...walk faster and now wear my heels to work in the mornings because I can walk on them longer and easier. Overall, things are still going well. I do right about 85-90% of the time. I do have sweets on occasion, probably more than I should. What's funny is that I didn't previously like sweets much. Now at times I crave chocolate and salty stuff like saltines. But indulging those cravings even a little bit will not get me to 180 by May 20th so I am really working on cutting all that out. I get in 2-3 protein drinks a day and am pretty much sticking to the vitamin schedule I laid out in the last post. I don't eat much most days. I hope to be able to get more in soon. I think the key to this thing is to eat more actually....but of the right stuff. I don't really have a typical meal. I usually start the the morning off with protein hot cocoa. It's a great way to get in what I love and what I need. I could actually drink that all day. I may start having it throughout the day. Breakfast is usually some turkey bacon, sausage and/or an egg. Lunch may be some meat or cheese...something like that. Dinner is sometimes a meat with a very small amount of veggies. So as you see, I don't get very many carbs in. Exercise is something I'm praying on. I haven't done it in over a month. Fortunately, I still haven't noticed any skin. But if I don't get on it, it's coming. I know it is and I will forever hate myself for not doing what I could to prevent it. So Monday I'm planning on beginning The Core and will go to the gym at least twice for a minimum of 4-5 days of exercise next week. One week at a time. I HAVE to do this before it's too late. I'll also be back on the train too. It's time for me to take off some serious weight on the train. I've only taken off 4 lbs or so on previous ones. Check the picture trail for the 5 month pics. They were taken today. This should be the last of the poor quality pics from my camera phone as I am getting a digital camera for Christmas. It's funny...I look at these pics and this is not the way I see myself some days when I look in the mirror...or even when I look at myself nude. I'm pleased with the way the weight is coming off though. My (white) co-worker commented that I'm getting an ass. I'm like honeyyyy, I BEEN had one. I think she means it's getting more shapely. LOL! Another thing I notice is that people [men] will smile and speak more now. Today as I was coming out of the grocery store, two men were sitting there parked in a truck. The driver nudged the passenger to look at me. They both stared so as I passed the car, I smiled and they waved and smiled. That was cute. But I still think I'll have the same problem I've always had and that is---I'm unapproachable. I may even look like that moreso now that my looks are changing. I really do feel more beautiful than ever even though I still have 70 plus lbs to go. And I carry myself like I'm the ish somedays. LOL! My Mom had the same problem before she met her husband. Men have told her throughout the years that she is a beautiful woman and always looks "expensive" or very well put together and therefore unapproachable at times. SOME men are intimidated by this. Couldn't be further from the truth...we're both QUITE approachable and down to earth. But you know what, I don't want a man who is going to intimidate that easily. He should welcome a challenge :-) Time to step the game up for the 06. Anyway, enough of that. I'm a bit concerned about the holidays coming up. TOO many opportunities to cut up. But I just have to resist and not overindulge as best I can. When I do indulge, I'll just increase my protein and water. Before the holiday parties, I'll be taking Sparke to decrease my appetite. That seemed to work on Thanksgiving. I barely ate. What I've also noticed is that I silently and sometimes not silently critique when people eat a lot. Take my co-worker who is 3 years out. She is ALWAYS eating....and it's mostly junk. She eats a HUGE bagel in the mornings or another large muffin. Then she snacks on stuff all day and is forever bringing chocolate and stuff in. She irks me to no end with that. She said she had regained but took it back off. She lost over 180lbs. Her reasoning is that she did this to lie a normal life adn that a normal person would indulge. I'm thinking you're NOT normal. You had a weight problem....a severe one where you got up to 335 lbs! You still have a food addiction. It's not my business but I do notice I'm annoyed at her constant eating. I guess I wish I was able to eat freely and maintain. I guess I'll get there. But I don't ever want to eat TOO freely every again. As I say every month, this remains the biggest blessing of my life and I am so very greatful. I'll be back to report after the train. DECEMBER 12, 2005 --(256lbs/-89lbs/76 lbs to goal!!!) I just had to share my wow moments this past weekend. I was up in NYC for The Color Purple and we walked around ALL day...climbing stairs and whatnot and I didn't get tired! My feet weren't hurting. I wasn't out of breath when I got to the top of the stairs. I was walking superfast...so fast that my average sized gf complained. I blurted out, "You were walking like I used to walk when I was bigger!" I didn't mean to say that but she annoyed me. Anyhow, these are the moments that make it all worth it. At 359, I would have been exhausted! And I managed to lose a pound as well...which goes to show I need to move this booty to get the weight moving....not that it's not moving. But it could be faster if I would do my part with the exercise. Me and my ace boon coon Princess T boarded the train today. Destination: Century Club. We're going to take up permanent residence there until we reach the destination. And I hope she knows that I have no problem whooping that tail if she tries to jump from the train. And I'm sure she will be beating me onto the treadmill. So it should be an interesting ride to say the least :-) One interesting thing though is not one of my friends had anything to say about my loss this weekend. One of them hadn't seen me since September when I was 300lbs! Of course my first thought was well, maybe she just can't see the difference. Since she is small, maybe fat is just fat to her. These are the same friends I talked about in a previous entry--saying I wondered how they would react once the loss became obvious. So maybe they are hating. I don't know. It's not that I want them to constantly compliment me like folks do at my job. But a "looking good girl!" would be nice. Oh well. If I looked for others to validate me, I'd be in one sorry state. So I'm letting that go. If it's hate, they better get ready because summer 2006--it's gonna be on! New wardrobe, New look, and New attitude. It can't get here fast enough for me. DECEMBER 16, 2005 --(254lbs/-91lbs/74 lbs to goal and 9 lbs to 2nd Century Club!!!) There was a question posed today on the board about sharing your "Wow" moments. I guess I'd much rather share it here for now. I was actualy going to drop in yesterday and post this. This is a weird one. I was wearing some stockings yesterday and at the end of the day, I realized they were actually comfortable! They weren't gapping in the crotch and cutting into my thighs. They fit me like a glove...nice and comfortable. Usually I can't wait to get home and get them off. But these were so well fitting I could have worn them the rest of the evening. The other came today when I ran up the stairs to catch the Metro. Before, I would be about to pass out. This time I was VERY slightly winded. It was wonderful when I got to the top of the stairs and realized that I wasn't ready to keel over and die....feeling like my heart was about to pop out of my chest. On another note, I'm noticing and commenting more now about when people are gaining weight. What's that about? That's not fair. It's as if it's annoys me. This one lady at my job always comes to our cube looking for food (because my supervisor and co-worker BOTH POST-OPS always have some junk around of course) and she has gained about 25lbs or so...mostly in her face. So when she came begging today, after she left, I said, "She needs to stay away with the weight she is putting on." Again, I don't know what that's about. But I share that not to make myself sound like a superior bitch just because I've lost over 100lbs. But to be real. It's a part of my thought process...one that I don't understand or particularly like. But it's what I've said or felt. I need to ponder this more. On a more uplifting note, I'm finding that I LOVE talking to people about the surgery and how it's the best decision I've ever made. I've been helping out my neighbor's daughter who is on the board and hoping for a surgery date next month. Then I went to a support group meeting with Shoe and GB and could have gone on and on when I talked about my loss and what the surgery has done for me. I plan to attend the meeting every month...so between that meeting and C&L, which I should actually make it to next month (YEAH!) The train was going smoothly until it derailed today. But I'm going to try to hop back on tomorrow. So far I've lost 3lbs. I don't think I'll be in those Seven jeans by the 30th though. These thighs are too meaty. I kinda like them though. DECEMBER 23, 2005 --(250lbs/-95lbs/70 lbs to goal and 5 lbs to 2nd Century Club!!!) I finally got my profile done! I think it looks VERY classy! Thanks Rene!!!! On to other good news, I have my first angelette! I think I spoke in a previous entry about my neighbor's daughter, known on this site as T Robinson, who was pursuing surgery. Things have moved quickly for her and she's already been approved and is looking at a January 26th surgery date!!!!! I am SO excited her and so thrilled that she asked me to be her angel. That is a huge responsibility and one that I hope I can live up to. I'm also hoping it will keep me on my toes now that I'm having someone look to me for guidance and support. She is stopping over next week and I'll help her update her profile and I'll post a link to it here. I want to wish everyone that reads my profile a WONDERFUL holiday season. It's starting off good for me. I'll be home and am expecting a friend to come for dinner. I'm cooking ham, green bean casserole, and rice pilaf...nothing over the top. I didn't want to do the mac and cheese thing. Don't need that heavy pasta. I also got some sparkling cider and non-alcoholic wine. I'll let you know how that tastes. It's called Fre. I'll be having sugar free chocolate pudding for dessert. Oh and a swiss cheese dip with tortilla chips for an appetizer. So low key but I think it should be good. I'm holding at 250 for the past week. I think I'll end up not gaining or losing during this holiday season....which is okay considering in previous years I've gained who knows how many pounds! So breaking even is fine with me. The minute I see one pound gain though, I'm going all liquid. Seriously. LOL! Thank God for the Tanita scale to keep me on task during these trying times. On another note, for New Years Eve, I'm hanging with friends and we're doing a 4 course meal. I'm simultaneously dreading and looking forward to it. But I'll eat what I can eat and take home the rest. I just LOVE this restaurant and need to learn sooner than later how to deal with these type of situations. Each course has protein rich options. So I'll manage. I can actually eat more these days and find that when I eat more and drink my protein and water, I lose. So as I approach my 6th month, I am finally learning my new body and how to work this tool for me specifically. DECEMBER 28, 2005 I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Mine was pretty quiet until the evening. Just me and the basketball games. And I didn't mind. That's the way I wanted it. I cooked my meal and of course have tons of leftovers. But that's fine too. It will be good for quick meals when I'm back to work. So the evening picked up when my ex (Derreck) stopped by. I mentioned him in a previous entry. We haven't seen each other in well over a year, close to two. So he hadn't seen me since the surgery, though he did know about it. I also talked about the fact that while he's very handsome (you know the chocolate and dimple type), he's also quite large and I mentioned how I wanted so bad to talk to him about the surgery but of course that would be rude. Before he gets there, I'm wondering how big he's gotten and whether I could keep myself from mentioning the surgery. So he arrives and when he sees me, all he says is "Look at you!" And I'm thinking, "No...look at YOU! Still big and handsome...but emphasis on big." Yet, I'm still as attracted to him as I always was. But of course it's in the back of my mind that God, he would look SO good having had the surgery. And I see that he's sweating and I just had to put it out of my mind. I figure when he's ready...if he's ever ready, he knows where to find me. All I can do is be an example. So what about what he said to me? Did I expect more? I don't know. He's not the type to gush. I don't know if he thought it would be inappropriate to say I looked good. Or hell, maybe he didn't think I looked good. He does like big women...but the later he was giving Kerry Washington props. So who knows. I thought about it later, but it doesn't bother me. It's just like another male friend I hadn't seen in a while who told me that I just looked like I streamlined things a bit. Now that Negro almost got bashed on the head. But then I had to stop and think that he thought I looked fine before. He honestly did. I don't know. Bottom line is, if I sought validation of my progress from these fools instead of in the mirror and through my clothes, I'd be suicidal thinking I looked the same as I did 100lbs ago. So enough of that. Well I've been on vacation this week and I tell ya, working is really interfering with my life. I've been able to get back on track this week with drinking protein and exercising...keeping my house spotless...things are just running so orderly as opposed to when I have to rush around when I'm working. Sigh. Perhaps I'll lose this weight and marry rich. Okay, back to reality.... So yes, I'm back on the exercise bandwagon. I'm doing The Core program. So far so good. It combines weight training and cardio. I have actually been sore which means it's working! I like this soreness. But that also means what I was doing before was a waste of time. LOL! I was never sore from my previous weight lifting so I'm thinking I wasn't challenging myself enough. Brooke and Gunnar have a sista stretching and pushing and lifting these 250 and I like it! Yesterday, I decided to go to LB and try on some 16s. I can get in them but not comfortably enough to wear out yet. But I went on a spree at three different Thrift stores and stocked up on all kinds of size 16 pants, skirts, and jeans. I figure mid January I should be firmly in them. Definitely by the February M&G though. Especially if I keep exercising. Actually though I'm shooting for some 14s by then. But realistically, I should be firmly in 16s by February. I'm weighing in at 251 at this time since I'm carrying some water weight. I didn't lose my mind this time when the scale went up. However, I expect to be below 250 next week though. I've been back on the protein and working out so no reason not to expect those results. I've decided to say I have between 50-70lbs left to lose. I really don't want to look too thin. I'm one of the few on here that probably doesn't mind still wearing double digits (although a lot of the cute stuff in the thrift stores and regular stores are single digits--LOL!) But I don't mind some jiggle. I happen to like my jiggly thighs and booty. (Not my arms though--LOL!) So I won't worry about this too much, but I'm now putting a range on when I'll consider myself at goal. Princess T and I have a pledge to be at goal by the June Chicago M&G when we tear the town up. I plan to be there by my birthday which would mean 14lbs a month between now and May. That's ambitious considering I'm about to hit the 6 month mark when things start to slow. But that's the goal. And when I get there, I'm going to SHOW OUT! Lastly, my angelette, T Robinson will definitely be having surgery on Janaury 26th. She is moving right along with her testing and all seems to be going well. I can't wait until she is on the other side. JANUARY 4, 2006 --(245lbs/-100lbs/65lbs to goal WELCOME TO CENTURY CLUBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy New Year and Praise the Lord! I've arrived. Indeed a cause for celebration. This wil be a long post as it will serve as my 6 month post op update(since it's only 4 days away) where I'll reflect on my journey now that I'm halfway through my first year. As usual, I have a lot to say. Shouldn't surprise my faithful readers. I hope you'll hang in there with me :-) Before I get started though, I need to go back to my last post and clarify some things. I was re-reading it and something about it bothered me to the point that I couldn't wait to get on here and make some further comments. When I was talking about my ex and his weight, I think I came off as what I've come to term, a surgery snob (don't know if I coined that term or not but it fits). I realize I've taken on this attitude in a couple of posts and I'm not comfortable with it. As I reflect back on this journey over the past 6 months, I am TRULY blessed to have the opportunity to basically start life over in a body that allows me....freedom in so many ways. I guess my experience has been so great that I can't for the life of me understand why any morbidly obese person wouldn't want to do it. And that's not the right attitude. When my supervisor asked me a few years ago whether I would have the procedure, I looked at her like she was out of her ever loving mind. But she didn't badger me or make any rude comments. And neither have I....out loud. But your thoughts are sometimes just as bad as your words. Now with regards to my ex, I guess I've seen him lighter (he once lost 70 plus pounds on his own) and I remember him saying how much better he felt. And I vouch for that one *wink* He looked great. But of course he's gained it all back plus some and I can tell it doesn't make him happy. His blood pressure is probably back up and who knows what other health problems he has. I guess because I still care for him so I just want him to experience what I'm experiencing...and be free from all that. But how do I know his experience WILL be the same as mine? I don't. This journey is so individual and you have to be ready to break up with food and deal with yourself and your emotions and the reasons you eat. And perhaps he, and all the other people I look at with pity aren't ready to do that. And then of course, you take on a whole new set of emotional difficulties with dealing with your changing body. So suffice to say, it's not for everyone and I need to stop trying to make this a "one size fits all" solution. So basically, I don't want anyone to take away from my comments that now that I'm headed towards "normal", I'm shunning those still battling this disease. Because heh, I'll always be battling it. And bottom line, God doesn't like ugly. So I'm not going to show out and make him have to slap me down. So I'm going to get that all in check. Again, all I can do is be an example and be there for him if he should need me. Anyhow, I'm off that soap box. Check out my card below :-) I decided to design my own. Hope I don't get in trouble. I wanted it today though! I knew I would wake up this morning at 245. I've been losing a pound a day for the past few days or so. So I'm thrilled to have reached this point with no complications. And I feel great. So here are the stats Weight: 245--100lbs down since surgery and 114lbs from highest weight of 359 Wearing size 16 or 18 pants and skirts...I think 16W pants and skirts and 18 regulars. Size 1x/XL/14/16 tops. I put a range because I am not the type to squeeze into something just to say I'm in a smaller size. I like to wait until it lays just right. I'm a dressing sista so I can't be looking like stuffed into anything. So it just depends on the cut I suppose. But I did go to LB today and was able to fit into 16 everything but I would need 5-10 more lbs off before I would wear it all out and feel totally comfortable. I never measured my inches...that is my one regret. But I know they were mostly into the 50s. So I'll get those done and be able to estimate. I know my ring size and shoe sizes have both gone down. I haven't had either measured but the rings I do have are loose. And I estimate my shoe size may be a 9 1/2W or a firm 10 now down from a size 10W or 11W. Have been resisting buying shoes too I'm not too sure on that all either. Overall, I'm proud of where I'm at right now. I've decided that I must be at goal by my 29th birthday...May 20th. That will be the best birthday present I can give myself. So that's 65lbs in 5 months. I said a range before but I just can't be anywhere close to 200lbs. 180 is far enough away I think. 170 would be even better but we'll see what this body wants to do. Maybe I'll make that my goal by my one year anniversary in July. I'm good most days. 2-3 protein drinks (I've settled on Nectar Lemon Tea and Designer Whey which I mix with sf hot cocoa). I usually do one first thing in the morning, one mid day and one in the evening before bed. When I'm riding the train, I add one after my workout. I eat mostly just meat for dinner and lunch. I do the occasional carb but as the doctor said in the first 6-12 mos, it's best to focus on protein sources. I get in most of my vitamins. I miss a dosage here and there but not often at all. I'm not playing with that. And I like the way vitamins make me feel. I didn't get sick this past December like I had for the past 2 years. My energy is dramatically increased. I know that can be attributed to the loss, but also to taking vitamins and getting in the nutrients I had been lacking pre-op. There are some things I'm still struggling with: exercise and water. I do like The Core program so I'm trying to stick with that and find other things to diversify my workout options. I'm trying to think of it as "me" time when I'm zoning out and focusing on myself and bettering myelf. I also am thinking of trading my treadmill in for an elliptical. But that's a hard decision as my deceased grandmother bought that for me. But I like the elliptical better. So I know she would understand and be so proud that I'm doing something! Now the water...there is no excuses on that...I MUST do better with that. I was ill these past couple of days because I think I was on the way to being dehydrated. I was so weak I thought I would pass out. I had a mild case of the runs. I felt AWFUL. No appetite. But as quickly as it came, it's gone. I went back to basics and focused on liquids and I think that helped. So even if it wasn't dehydration, I know I'm not getting in enough H20. So by my 7th month update, I am pledging to be at 80oz per day minimum. My hair is dryer and just so many things are affected by lack of water. So I'm on that first and foremost. Oh guess you want to know about sagging skin at 100lbs down. Well at 28 y/o and 100lbs down, I'm thrilled to say the skin is minimal so far. It's mostly on my inner thighs and frankly if you're getting to see that, we're pretty damn tight so I'm not going to worry too much about that. But I do know I'll forever be wearing a sarong at the beach which is fine. Ya'll won't catch me doing a Star Jones! I will do what I can to tighten it up though. But frankly, it's been stretched beyond belief and I can't expect it to snap back to perfection. I'm thrilled it isn't worse! And I think it would have been had I not had good genes, youth, and good skin tone and conditioning on my side. There's also some where my breasts and underams connect. Then of course there's these arms. I have determined I'll definitely need plastics on them. I've decided that may be my 30th birthday present to myself if I can wait that long. I hadn't wanted to do plastics but I'm looking at them and thinking that there is no way they are going to tighten up to the degree that I need them to. I know my angel plans to get hers done. So I'll be able to learn from her experience and maybe even use her surgeon if she's pleased. I've decided to revisit the list of things I wanted to accomplish with loss and see what I need to do in the next 6 months: REASONS WHY I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT (in no apparent order) 1. To get rid of my comorbities and improve my health--not weigh as much as Shaq! (NO LONGER WEIGH AS MUCH AS SHAQ!!!!) ---sleep apnea (DESPITE THEIR DIAGNOSIS, DON'T THINK I EVER REALLY HAD THIS BUT HAVEN'T HAD IT RECHECKED) ---high blood pressure (NORMAL READINGS!!!) ---hypoglycemia (BLOOD SUGAR WAS NORMAL LAST CHECK) ---occasional sore knees (NO MORE SORENESS!!!) 2. To be able to shop anywhere--and trust me I will! (NOT QUITE THERE YET AS I REALLY STILL ONLY VENTURE INTO LANE BRYANT AND THE THRIFT STORES. I GUESS I'M STILL HESITANT. WILL WORK ON THIS) 3. To be able to wear the cute baby tees (WORKING ON IT) 4. To be able to cross my legs (I'M THRILLED TO SAY I CAN CROSS THEM COMFORTABLY...BOTH LEGS...AND I ACTUALLY PREFER TO SIT THAT WAY SOMETIMES. IT FEELS SEXY!!!) 5. To be able to go to an amusement park and fit in the rides (HAVEN'T TRIED THIS YET....SUMMER IS COMING THOUGH!) 6. To not feel out of breath when walking fast or running (PRAISE GOD I WALK UP STAIRS NOW AND DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE. ACTUALLY I AUTOMATICALLY RUN UP THE STAIRS WHEN I'M GOING UP...WITHOUT THINKING. AND I WALK VERY FAST NOW WHEN I WANT TO!) 7. To be able to walk quicker and not feel weighed down (CHECK!) 8. To rock some stilettos...and wear heels all day. (HAVEN'T PUT ON ANY STILETTOS JUST YET BUT I WEAR MY HEELED BOOTS AND SHOES ALL DAY AND AM JUST FINE. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS THRILLS ME IN PARTICULAR. I NO LONGER HAVE TO BRING MY SHOES WITH ME AND WEAR SNEAKERS) 9. To not cringe when I see my pants spread out on the bed (NOW I FREQUENTLY LOOK AT THEM IN AWE THINKING CAN I REALLY GET ALL THIS AZZ IN THOSE!!!!) 10. To be able to wrap a towel completely around my body (AHHH....I LOVE THIS. I FEEL SO SEXY WALKING AROUND AFTER MY SHOWER WITH JUST MY TOWEL ON.) 11. Smaller ring size/shoe size (AS I SAID ABOVE, HAVEN'T HAD THEM MEASURED, BUT I KNOW THEY ARE BOTH SMALLER. MAYBE I'LL DO BOTH TOMORROW AND REPORT BACK) 12. To be able to stand on my feet longer with no pain (YEAH BABY!) 13. To feel more energetic (OH BELIEVE ME....THE ENERGY IS THERE!) 14. To be able to dance the night away--drop it like it hottt! (I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT DANCING IN AGES. I MAY HAVE TO TEST THIS ONE OUT SOON) 15. To have space left on my seat for my purse (HMM...HAVEN'T TRIED THIS ONE. I SUPPOSE I DO THOUGH) 16. To be truly comfortable in my own skin--increased confidence (WORKING ON THIS ONE. THIS WILL TAKE A WHILE) 17. Improvement in my sex life (now I can truly know the secrets of the Kama Sutra) (SMILE...I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUT THIS ONE HERE...BUT HEH, IT'S REAL! I'LL BE BACK WITH AN UPDATE ON THAT TOO) 18. To not take up two seats on the Metro (THIS ONE REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN NUMBER ONE BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHING THAT HAS LONG BOTHERED ME. I'M THRILLED TO SAY I SIT DOWN BESIDE PEOPLE NOW...WITH ONLY THE SLIGHTEST HESITATION. AND I PICK THE PERSON CAREFULLY *SMILE* BUT PEOPLE AREN'T AS HESITANT TO SIT BESIDE ME NOW) 19. To be able to rock those banging hats I see (WITH THIS HAIR, I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TEST THIS PROPERLY SO I'LL HAVE TO CHECK BACK ON THIS) 20. To not have my chest be a catch-all for food, drinks, etc. (YOU KNOW, I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT BUT I HAVEN'T SPILLED ANYTHING ON MY SHIRT IN A LONG TIME SINCE MY BUSTLINE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO. SO THIS IS EXCITING!) So there you have it. A cross spectrum of the journey thus far. When I review this list, I can't help but to want to get up and dance for joy. It's like when I was in the dressing room at LB today sliding into a size 14/16 shirt (from a 26/28) and a size 16 pants (from a 26/28) and Patti's "A New Day" came on. I just started dancing in the dressing room. It's only 6 months into my journey and it's a new day indeed.....  JANUARY 8, 2006 --(246lbs/-99lbs/66lbs to goal) HAPPY SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY! Just checking in real quick to give my official weight at 6 mos post op. I'm at 246 as of this morning. That represent a 13lbs loss from last month. So seems things are pretty steady with me losing 10-14lbs a month. That's what I need to get to gaol by my birthday so I hope it keeps up. But it's up to me, I know. I gained two pounds since I reached century club because I wasn't eating enough and put my body into starvation mode. I ain't giving my card back though because I did get there---if only for a day. LOL! My appetite had just been very low. But I took off one of the pounds and I'm getting on the protein train bright and early tomorrow to get the other pounds off and hopefully 5-10 more. I worked out on the elliptical today for 35 minutes, keeeping my heart rate in the 70% range. I am enjoying that. So I hope this is the start to a regular exercise routine for me. 3 days of cardio and 3 days of weight training/cardio. Wish me luck! I'll be back to report after the train probably. JANUARY 17, 2006 --(243lbs/-102 lbs/63lbs to goal) WARNING: IF YOU ONLY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE HAPPY DAYS OF MY JOURNEY....SKIP THIS POST I know, I know. This is probably only temporary. But I feel like I'm in trouble. For the past couple of days, I feel myself reverting back to my old habits. I've eaten some bad stuff...eaten more than I probably should have. Haven't exercised. Just generally feel unfocused. I might be pms'ing. Not sure because for the life of me I can't remember whether I've had my cycle this month (don't ask--that's never happened before). But I'm worried. You know, I think when I decided to have this surgery, my Mom thought I was taking the easy way out because I have a tendency not to really work hard at certain things. Things have just kind of come easy to me throughout my life. Some things have been blessings. Some things just luck. Today, I'm thinking...maybe she was right. Although I tried to lose weight before and did succeed once, what if I had just kept trying? Stayed focused. I admit that I lack discipline and as this journey goes on, that's just what you need. My honeymoon phase is over. Now I need to find some discipline. This is the period where I'm going to HAVE to face why I overeat and find the discipline to drink my water and exercise regularly. I can't take the easy way out on this because I have messed with body in a SERIOUS way. I'm not saying I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing or I wouldn't have reached 100lbs down in 6 mos. But I could be doing a LOT better. And I feel myself slipping and I could just slip on back to those pre-op pics I posted below. I'm really rambling here, but I hope I'm getting my point across to anyone who may read me. This is NOT an easy fix and you MUST be disciplined and if you find yourself slipping early like this, GET SOME HELP. I've located meeting dates and times and have scheduled myself to start attending Overeater's Anonymous or TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)--whichever I feel meets my needs best. I'll attend one meeting of each group and evaluate it from there. I'm also still trying to find a psychologist. I am pledging to do that by January 31st and hopefully schedule a meeting and try to get some of this mental work done. JANUARY 24, 2006 Not putting any stats today because umm...frankly there's not much change since the last time. I've started that gaining and losing one or two pound thing. I'm not going to fret over that though. But as I alluded in my last post, I KNOW I need to step things up in all areas. So let me tell you what I'm doing. For the past couple of days, I've done mostly a protein and water fast. Today I got in 4 protein drinks today and about 70 oz of water. I'm really trying to figure out ways to settle myself in at 100oz of water a day, which is probably still not enough for all 240+ pounds but it's a nice round number. I think I figured out that 112oz was my ultimate goal. So I'm going to try to get up to 40 in the morning, 40 in the afternoon and 20 in the evening. Seems easy enough you would think! It's challenging though. Anyhow, I try to do this two-three day challenge once a month....all liquids. But this time around....to keep myself from losing my mind and binging on something, I have been eating just two turkey hot dogs for dinner. So basically, it's the protein train with a focus on getting the liquids in. I have made some progress with the goals I set forth in the last post. I found a psychologist...a black female. Only talked to her on the phone but I like her already. Something soothing about her, which is just what I'm looking for. She was recommended by my sorority sister. I have my first appointment next Tuesday so I plan to come with some thoughts on what my food issues are...some journal entries I've jotted down...my pre-op psychological assessment. I think it should be productive. I figure I'll see her every two to three weeks or so. Maybe only once a month. How ever much it takes! NOTE: The depression I was feeling in the last post did not drive this. That was PMS. LOL! I had been talking about this for a while if you've been reading me. On another note, I have gotten some notes asking me to be an angel. I've turned both requests down for a couple of reasons, which I explained to the people that wrote. They were really valid reasons, in my opinion. But I hope that I didn't offend anyone, as I didn't hear back from either woman when I didn't give an automatic "yes." But I have to take care of me for a change...and my first angelette who is scheduled for surgery this Thursday!!!!! Please keep T Robinson in your prayers. Everyone is gearing up for the DC M&G. I'm excited but would be even more excited if my boo Princess T were coming (there I mentioned you! *geesh, she's an attention whore*) But Chicago will be here before you know it. Chi-town ain't ready for us broads.....and at goal too! On a seriouser (yup, seriouser) note though, I have been corresponding with someone who is an absolute inspiration to me. This woman has more than halfed herself and has extended herself to me with tips and advice that I'll treasure throughout this journey. Thanks Allison. Okay, I'm rambling on now. I'll be back. Meantime, if you haven't already, check out my new album 6.5-12 mos. A few new pics in there. In one, you get a gander at my thunder thighs. Strangely, I kind of like them...but not when they are preventing me from getting into those DAYUM size EIGHTEEN Seven jeans. I'm going to burn those things! It makes NO sense! FEBRUARY 9, 2006 --(240lbs/-105lbs/60lbs to goal) HAPPY 7 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!! I’m a day late with my monthly update. Forgive a sista! I absolutely cannot believe that it has been 7 mos. Time has truly flown and although things are getting rough, I still feel that this is absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done. So at 7 mos out, I am clocking my official weight at 240, although the scale did say 239 for a day. I weighed in on Monday and it said 240 but then the next day, it was at 242 (I’m pms’ing). So it’s been extremely up and down this month…anywhere from 245-239. Instead of tripping, I finally have put my scale in my basement and I may not weigh again until I go back to the surgeon in April. I’m quite serious about that. I’ve decided to focus on non-scale victories and how my clothes fit. I was getting on the scale EVERY morning and I pledged early in my journey that I would not do that. Anyhow, that makes for a loss of 105lbs from the date of surgery and 119lbs from my highest weight. I have exactly 60lbs left to my personal goal of 180. However, after seeing my pcp the other day, she said to have a “normal” BMI, I need to weigh under 167. My head literally spun around on my neck like that chick from the Exorcist at that one. At 5’8, with my solid build and large frame, I can’t imagine weighing 160-anything. So I just smiled and nodded with a blank look on my face. Of course it’s entirely possible, but I can’t fathom it. I am wearing a lot of 16 pants/skirts and L and XL tops. But only some of the 16s are comfortable. It’s like I’m actually a size 17 if such a thing existed. I hate the in between as you well know! So it’s been a bit of a challenge finding stuff to wear because I picked up a rack of 16s at a thrift store sale and I’m just not totally there yet. As you can see from the 349380430 pics people have posted from the M&G, I’m still very thick in the lower body so it may be some time before the 16s are comfortable. As far as eating, I can definitely eat a lot more. But I’m still mostly sticking with protein sources…yogurt, turkey bacon/eggs for breakfast, some kind of meat for lunch and dinner. I may do turkey hot dogs, turkey sausage, lots of chicken, pork chops, hamburger no bread…most any kind of meat. I should do more fish but I have lost my taste for fish a bit. I don’t know what that’s about. I need to find it because it has a ton of protein. I may do a week of seafood during this month’s protein train…crab legs, scallops, fish. Snack wise, I have been leaving the pork rinds alone and was on this nut and cheese kick. But I’m going to lay off that for a while too. Nuts have a lot of fat and so does cheese. Although they are better than chips, I still need to watch my intake. Exercise has still not become a regular part of my routine and I feel VERY guilty about it. I think that’s why sometimes I’m a tad irritated or have guilty feelings when people compliment me on my loss because I know I haven’t worked as hard as I should as far as the exercise goes. Yes, I’m good about 80-85% of the time as far as doing what I’m supposed to do in all other areas. But this is an IMPORTANT part of the journey and I just feel like I’ve failed God and myself on this one. Of course it’s never too late and I am honestly working on fixing it. Oh and since I mentioned exercise, you may wonder about the skin so far. You would think it would be hanging on the ground. Actually, it’s still pretty minimal…mostly in the places I mentioned earlier…inner thighs and the bat wing area. You know what I try to keep myself from thinking about---there are people that worked out HARD like they were supposed to and still had to go under the knife. It’s just not fair! But it’s impossible to snap back from all that stretching. But I wonder if subconsciously that’s one of the reasons I’m not feeling pressed to exercise. I hope not because that’s irrational. I think it’s mostly because I’m still lazy! I like to spend any free time I have getting my chill on! That hasn’t changed yet. LOL! I need to learn to change my habits and fast! I’m picking up my water intake, trying to average about 80-100oz a day. Most days I hit the mark I’m happy to say, except on the weekends. I’m trying to at least get in 64oz then. I’ve slacked a bit on the protein drinks since I’m able to eat more. I do at least one a day though…usually first thing in the morning. I need to get back to 3 though until I reach goal. There’s no excuse for that. It’s still hard to balance it with the water. I forget to do one during the day sometimes because I’m so focused on getting that 80-100 oz in! So I definitely have to make some adjustments there. I’ve incorporated some more vitamins and have finally settled on a schedule. I feel like I’m taking a LOT of pills…and I am. But I feel good. Did some blood work and will await those results to see if I need any adjustments. Here’s my schedule: Morning: Multi, Citrical w/ Vit D, B Complex, extra Biotin (10,000mcg) Lunch: 2 flaxseed oil pills, Vitamin C, Iron Multi: Multi, Citrical w/Vitamin D So much to talk about and this is getting long…. What I meant by things getting rougher is that although I look in the mirror on most if not all days and think I look good, when I look at some of my pictures, I’m like this broad is still SWOLE. Not as swole as I was of course and technically at 240lbs, I am still fat. But I need to celebrate where I’m at now and how far I’ve come and stop focusing on how much more I have to go. That’s easier said than done though. These thoughts are only fleeting. But I know it will occur frequently throughout this journey. So I just wanted to document my first occurrence. I’ve started to see a psychologist. Her name is Dr. Dianna Washington in Silver Spring, Black woman….very easy to talk to. I’ve had a couple of sessions and I have some “homework” so we’ll see how this all goes. I’m basically trying to get to the root of my eating issues because without a doubt, there are plenty for a person that allowed herself to get up to 359lbs. So the DC M&G has come and gone and I would say it was definitely a success. I think most everyone greatly enjoyed themselves. I had a nice wow moment at the club on Saturday. I met a man who I danced with for the better part of an hour or more. What was most significant about this was that a sista wasn’t tired! My dogs weren’t screaming out in agony…and I had on heels. I didn’t realize this until I went to sit down. These are the non scale victories I’m talking about. Not to mention, he also brought me a drink. I can’t tell you the last time a man brought me a drink at the club. It felt nice. There are pics from the M&G on my picture trail in 3 different albums, clearly marked. One more album to come…and these are the best so check back. I took over 100 pics throughout the weekend so it takes time to download and caption them with my own special brand of humor :-) I didn’t take any official pics this month but I will take some out from the M&G pics and put them in my post op folder. There wasn’t much change from the previous ones though so I don’t feel the need to take official ones. Lastly, I have happy to report that my angelette, Tisha made it through surgery and is doing wonderfully so far. She has her first post op appointment tomorrow and I can’t wait to hear how the scale moved. I think I’ve been doing a good job as her angel so far, which is no small feat cause ya’ll know how into my self I am. LOL! Heh, only child syndrome. That’s it for now. That’s enough—isn’t it! FEBRUARY 22, 2006 Today was an interesting day. I wore a size 16 skirt that fell just above the knee (inches are moving because about a month ago it was much more snug) and an XL shirt that is getting too big (I'm definitely on my way into L). And I had on some high heeled boots. It was one of those days when I knew I was looking fierce and I moved like it. And the heads were turning. Confidence truly turns heads...as does a big booty in a short skirt of course. I went to the mall and some random man gave me something free from his stand just for a few minutes of conversation. So suffice to say I was feeling it today...enjoying what this tool has done for me. But then I get to thinking about the man I'm seeing and how great he's treating me. Sometimes I stand outside of myself and watch my interactions with him---if that makes sense. I think it's the fat me standing there watching the thinner me lapping up all this attention, sucking up his compliments and affection. Having a grand old time. Feeling that I deserve all he is giving and more because I'm the prize and he better work hard to get it. Yet, it's all still there deep in the recesses of my mind. The same issues, thoughts, and fears I had as a larger woman when dealing with men. I manage to quiet them a lot, but they are still there. And I think that as the weight comes off and you start dealing with more men and more attention, things can become worse. My point in saying all this is just to reiterate the need for psychological help. I think it's just as important as exercise and protein. If not for relationship issues...to get to the bottom of the reasons you ballooned into a morbidly obese person. I just did my 3rd session with the therapist and I'll see her every 2 weeks indefinitely. Although I know what my issues are and where they stem from, I don't know how to deal with them. So we're working on that. I don't put my business on here just because I'm an open book. I just hope someone reads the things I write and gets something out of it to help in their journey. It's an individual thing, but there are definitely some shared experiences as well. In case you're wondering about the absence of a weight update...I haven't a clue. I did as I said and put the scale in the basement 3 weeks ago. I don't even miss it. Someone asked today how much I weighed. (people have a lot of balls I tell you *smile*) I told her I had not a clue. I am still of the opinion that at this stage of the game, there is no reason for me to weigh until I'm doing completely right (i.e. exercising regularly). My psychologist has me setting appointments with myself to go work out. So on Sunday, I will put times in my Palm Pilot that I will go exercise. So if I can manage to do that for the next two weeks, I will have a weight update for my 8 month. MARCH 2, 2006 Wow--time is flying. I'm just about into my 8th month. The year mark is coming fast. Oh my... Anyhow, just a few random thoughts so my regular monthly update post won't be so long. The inches are REALLY moving at this point. I really appear smaller than 240 pounds or so. And some 16s are getting loose on me. I anticipate wearing 14s this summer...praise God about that. The interesting thing is I'm getting the "skinny minny" and "slim" comments. It makes me feel funny when people say that. I do feel small on some days but I ain't hardly skinny! But I guess compared to what I was I am! LOL! I am happy to say that I am getting it together with the working out. I took my therapist's advice and scheduled days to work out this week. So far, I have kept my appointments and have strangely been looking forward to them. I come home, change, grab my IPOD and I'm out. I'm starting off slow this week with 35-45 minutes on the elliptical and some light arm weights. I listen to the good workout playlist I created and I'm reading my magazine....it's my time. And that's how I have to think of it. I have to make it fun. I've been taking the stairs more and will start parking further away from the door at the stores. Every little bit helps. It's early but I'm hopeful I can keep up this trend if I just treat it as an appointment I have to keep. Anyway, while at the gym today, an issue I've talked about before reared it's ugly head again. I'm not proud of it AT ALL. I felt kinda crappy thinking it, but I'm going to share it because it's real. These two girls walked in together and got on the treadmills in front of me. Both of them were big girls but one was just a MESS. It wasn't even her weight, but she was just sloppy with it. As I watched her walk on the treadmill, I increased the incline on the elliptical and added 10 minutes to my routine. What was that about? I watched and pushed, watched and bounced to the music as I watched some more. Then she turned around and caught me staring. I turned away quickly but I know she had seen the look on my face. As I left the gym, I wondered if people had once looked at me as I looked at her? Had someone seen me walking ahead of them on the track at 300+ and it made them run a little longer? I HATE having these snobbish thoughts. But I have them often when I see really big women. There was a woman on the train yesterday too that was HUGE. And immediately I wondered whether she would consider surgery. And I felt like crap. I wonder if these thoughts ever go away. I know part of it is me secretly worrying that I could one day be like that again. I don't think that ever goes away. But I don't like having these thoughts honestly. This surgery was a blessing that not everyone can get and I have to treat it as such. So I have to talk to my therapist about that and pray on it. On to a lighter topic...another source of motivation for working out admittedly is the men! Several times this week, I've caught men staring...on the train, at work, just randomly. It always makes me smile. So it's starting and I want to enjoy it. I don't think I've ever been totally invisible because of the way I carry myself. But I'm emerging and really liking what I see in the mirror and it's showing. And that attracts men...people in general actually. Still seeing the gentleman I mentioned in the last post and he continues to be attentive, complimentary, affectionate, etc. When we do go out though, I notice that I was doing a lot of eating out and having more than my usual 1-2 drinks a month...because I could :) And see, that's EXACTLY what I was afraid of. I get so caught up in having a good time, that I neglect the task on hand. (He doesn't know about the surgery by the way and I don't think I'll ever tell him). So it's just a matter of me learning to make better choices from the menu and finding an alternative to the drinking. Now THAT is the challenge because as you know, I never stopped drinking. Like we're having lunch tomorrow and I'll get a salad or just some wings. So I gotta live life, but just learn to start following the healthier routes. Okay, I'll be back on the 8th... MARCH 8, 2006 --(232lbs/-113lbs/52lbs to goal) HAPPY 8 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!! I know I sound like a broken record but I can’t believe how the time is flying in general….but especially how long it’s been since the surgery. 4 months until my 1st rebirthday. It’s hard to believe because I remember everything about that day….well, when I wasn’t drugged up. And my memory is not that great---especially now after surgery (yup, I blame the lapses on the surgery!) Okay, so I hadn’t weighed since February 9th or so. I was serious about that. So I went into the basement last night and pulled the scale out. When I stepped on this morning, I was cringing. I was expecting the worst for some reason. I saw the difference of 8 lbs since last month…and I’m going to add two to that because I am carrying some serious water weight right now. So I’m giving myself a range of 8-10lbs lost which puts me somewhere between 230-232. I am happy with those numbers. Seriously. Of course the loss has definitely slowed and I contributed to that, but I’m still thrilled. I’m averaging about 2lbs a week which is normal. I also didn’t hop on the serious protein train last month at all so I also have to take that into account. Overall, I am not going to complain. I’m just going to step my game up and keep improving. I attribute my attitude about all this to a couple of things. I mentioned in my last post that I have started to exercise. I’m only in week 2 of this scheduling exercise and sticking to it but its working and I’m not going to let any doubts enter my head that I can’t keep this up. I HAVE TO. I am tired of the guilt I feel when someone would tell me I’m working my tool. No I wasn’t. I was sitting back and waiting for the “magic” to occur. Taking a somewhat passive approach to all of this. And it’s time I stop doing that with exercise (and in other areas of my life). So I’m striving to work out a minimum of 4-5 days a week (last week I did 5). Primarily, I do the elliptical for 40-45 minutes. I love it and find that even when time is up, I’ll add more time. I have my IPOD on with a banging playlist and I’m half dancing while I’m moving on the machine. The people probably think I’m crazy. This week I have 5 days planned and may add a walk on the 6th day around the lake if the weather is nice. What’s interesting about this week is that I’m trying out two new exercise classes. One is a hip hop belly dancing class. Last time I tried it, I was about 2 months out of surgery and I just felt way too self conscious…not to mention I was doing all that stretching and it was hurting my abs…don’t know what I was thinking!!! So this time it will be with some friends and I think it should be FUN! The other class is one of those erotic dance workouts that are becoming all the rage. If I like the intro class, I plan to buy a pass and attend every couple of weeks or so (it’s not close!) to mix it up a bit. Same with the hip hop belly dancing. So at 5’8, 232, the inches are moving along nicely. Between that and my height, I am fooling a lot of people who don’t believe I’m 232. But as long as I’m not fooling myself and remember everyday that I still have 50lbs to goal, they can think whatever they want! Still in 16s. Depending on the cut, some 16s I have still don’t fit (particularly the jeans of which I have TOO many). Other 16s are getting looser by the day. I tried on a size 14 pants at Lane Bryant and I could get in them but they were much tighter than I would wear them! But I got them on and buttoned them without too much sweat! I wear L and XL shirt/sweaters. A lot of the XLs are getting roomy. I plan to hit the thrift store soon on half price day and start trying to find some spring sweaters. Then I’ll have to break down and buy some light weight pants/skirts to take me on through the Spring. I think I’ll start summer shopping during my birthday weekend (May 20) and I do plan to buy some decent stuff because I can’t be half stepping in the summer! Just can’t do it… Now what makes me comfortable saying that I’ll do some major shopping around that time is because of a challenge I’ve made with myself this morning. I’m nervous about it but I’ve accepted it. I’m now at 230. My birthday present to myself this year is that on May 20, I want to be at 199…or as humanly close to it as possible. So that’s a loss of about 31 lbs in 2 ½ months. That’s a lot at the rate I’ve been going but it’s not totally impossible if I really want it. I know what I have to do, but I need to be armed with a plan. That’s what seems to work for me. I know I have to keep the carbs low and protein high, the workouts at a high level, and get (and keep!) the water intake up to the gallon that my surgeon recommends. (That will do wonders for my skin too—which I’m also working on but that’s off topic). So of course I’ll post about my progress as I love to do… Other areas…eating…haven’t dumped in quite a while. Still eating the same, mostly meat. Since I’ve been going out to dinner a bit more, I’ve had a few more drinks than normal and a few more carbs. But it’s typically a weekend thing. When I cook at home for myself, it’s mostly meat/protein sources. I don’t make rice or potatoes or fried foods…anything like that. I bring my lunch most days of the week and I decide on Sat/Sunday, what I will eat for the week. I eat a lot of turkey bacon or eggs, yogurt, cheese, nuts, chicken wings, etc. Don’t do much fruit other than apple sauce or an occasional grapefruit (loved them before surgery and still get them on occasion when they are in season). It’s too much sugar though and I need to let them go. Luckily, they are only in season (and sweet!) for a certain time. I have developed this addiction to crackers though which scares the hell out of me because I eat TOO many. So I just brought and finished my last box of Wheat Ritz and I’m detoxing. That is SURELY slowing my loss because I can’t control my portion sizes with them at all. I eat way too many. Not proud of it, but it’s the truth. I’m still a recovering food addict and always will be. Anyhow, life in general is still going very well. I’ve had some fun wow moments and enough compliments to last my lifetime and yours. Still seeing my therapist and that’s going well. Rarely if ever tired or sluggish….just feel better and move better and faster. I look good (if I must say so I— and I do!) and I’m happy. Overall, at 8 months, the cup is definitely more than half full. APRIL 3, 2006 I have been MIA for a minute! It hasn't just been from updating this profile either. But I plan to resurface. I wouldn't say I was dealing with any depression. It's just that I guess I've just been really inside my head (not as crazy as it sounds! LOL!) Anyway, I'm on the verge of my 9th month and I'll update in a few days with my weight and such. I will say that things have not been going well with me getting anywhere close to onederland. My weight is just not moving. And I seem to be putting on weight VERY easily. I gained 6lbs back that I had lost on the train in a couple of days! I was only mildly surprised....not devastated. I worked my ass off to lose that 6lbs though and I thought it would be more. I was 100% perfect the whole week plus some and it was only 6lbs. So I admit the next week I wallowed in pity and ate some things I shouldn't have. Then my cycle came on so here are the 6lbs back with a vengance! It just really shocks me how easily we put on weight. I still don't really get it. I am not eating 3500 calories a day with malabsorption or even without it..so I'm just not sure how that works. Anyhow, I guess I'm also not that devastated because apparently the inches must be moving because WHAT a sista is rocking 14s and rocking them WELL! Can I just drop down and get my eagle on with that one. That is my goal size and I am just blown that I am in a 14 and still way over 200 lbs!! I guess it's my build. Now I can't fit all 14s. Definitely 14s in the "big girl" stores of course. But I went on a shopping spree this weekend (didn't mean to, I just tripped and all these clothes ended up in my hand...seriously). I got some NICE Spring items....lovely colors and all. I was in JC Pennys and Hechts. And a lot of my items were 14s.particularly these smoking pink pants. I brought a 16 and a 14 in and tried the 16 on first. Then something said let me try on the 14. It fit perfectly. I was BLOWN. So right now, I'm just hoping to be in 14s everywhere by my one year. I see that setting these weight goals is not going to work. My loss has slowed wayyyy down regardless of whether I'm doing things 100% right or not. And it's to be expected. My body had to settle down at some point. But I'm just wondering if I'll be satisfied with still being over 200lbs if I should never make it under. If my body decides it wants to settle out here. I know it's not over but I was just pondering that in light of a discussion on the board today. I think I would accept it and not just because I don't have a choice. I am very fortunate in that I am pleased with the way I look clothed and unclothed. My body is not a puddle and I actually think I'm kinda sexy *smile* That's it for now. I'll be back on the 8th with a longer update. 4/4 UPDATE: At the insistence of a friend, I took some pics today at work. I added them to picture trail under Post Op 6.5-10 mos. I guess they will be my official 9 month photos but I will probably take some more at a party I'm going to this weekend. They were taken with the camera phone. Sorry for the fuzziness but you can certainly get an idea of where I'm at. It's funny to look at myself in the picture because that's not necessarily what I always see when I look in the mirror. I'm getting the "you're getting so skinny" comments a lot. NOT! LOL! Seriously though, I'm very pleased with the way I'm looking. I really need to stop harping on this scale thing and thank God for the inches that are apparently moving and the fact that I'm happy with myself clothed and unclothed. So many people don't have that testimony unfortunately. I'm truly greatful. I can't have ever imagined that I would get this chance and be so pleased with the end result. On another quick note, there are a lot of things that are falling into place for me. Someone has come into my life that immediately upon meeting them, I just know that great things are going to happen. We just clicked like that. I really think the loss is giving me the confidence and energy to draw people my way that are going to be very beneficial to me and vice versa. I'm excited about what the summer holds. I had a life before but I'm really about to have one now! Look out world! APRIL 8, 2006 --(227lbs/-118lbs/47lbs to goal) HAPPY 9 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!! At 9 months now. VERY close to my rebirthday and still very far away from goal. I wanted to be one of the ones that made it to goal before or by my rebirthday. But I've accepted that it just ain't gonna happen. Truly, I'm fine with that. The pounds are coming off much slower now but the inches are definitely moving. I'm weighing in at 227 but I'm in a lot of 14s in pants/skirts and L shirts. As I said in the previous post, that is actually my goal size. I never imagined getting into anything smaller than a 14. For my build, that is a good size. However, I would still like the scale to read way below 200. I know I'll get there but it's just going to take some time and me staying on track. It's very easy for me to get off track these days. I don't always consume enough protein via the drinks and I know this is slowing my loss. I still do try to primarily stick to protein sources...yogurt and turkey bacon or a protein drink for breakfast. Some kind of meat for lunch and dinner. I attempt to get in a minimum of 80oz of water a day. Sometimes I win, sometimes I fail. When I stay on task though, I do win and I actually feel GOOD because I'm working this tool like I'm supposed to. I am continuing to work with my therapist on how to become and stay disciplined...how to modify my behavior. Whew...it's work. We're trying to work through some of the issues and I'm coming to realize I have a body disassociative disorder where I am not always present in my body. I won't speak anymore on that one but it's something two therapists have told me (the other being in my pre-op psych consult). So I'm going to try to work through it because many of the behaviors are still present. I still have an eating disorder and may be picking up another one. This is truly a journey and a half and I'm so glad that I'm addressing the mental part because I would DIE if I ever got anywhere near 300lbs again. But I know if I don't address these issues, I very well could. Anyhow, life is very good otherwise. I am REALLY enjoying my new body. I'm still a thick girl but when I look around, that's what's in. People are constantly telling me I'm melting away or getting skinny. I don't see that, especially when I take off these clothes! LOL! But I don't protest because heh, just 9 short months ago, a sista was pushing 360. What a blessing to be delivered! The confidence is definitely there. When I go out, I'm dressed to the nines and I'm really feeling it! I'm more flirtateous and charming and funny....all those things I've always been but masked at times because of the weight. I just have more energy in general. Now I have the confidence to do and say certain things and not really worry about the reaction because heh, I'm "normal" now...or closer to normal. I'm really anticipating a great summer. I've got a lot planned and am working on meeting more people to do things with. I realize this increase in confidence really has a sista wanting to be out and about. I doubt there will be very many weekends that I'll be home. I'm just SO excited about the possibilities. Relationship wise, I'm still involved with the man I met a couple of months ago. But honestly, I'm losing interest. I won't get into the details because they are unimportant. The only reason I mention this is because I really believe a lot of it has to do with the increased confidence. I think I would have been a lot more patient before because I was worried that another man may not come along for a while. Now I'm like shoo...let that bus go, another one will be along behind it. LOL! I'm just having fun. In all honesty, he's really feeling me and I still basically like him and how he treats me. So I'm going to attempt to be patient and work this thing out with him. But I'm still going to do me and have a good time and he knows this. So we'll see how that cookie crumbles. Lastly, I am mortified at all the shopping I've been doing. My pocketbook is a ghost town. But I'll be looking VERY cute this Spring....no doubt about that. LOL! But I've been on a spree buying stuff I probably won't be able to wear next Spring. But I just HAVE to look good. It's a self esteem thing. And I know I'll do it again with summer stuff. The only good thing is that I'm donating most of this stuff to Goodwill when I'm done and taking the nice tax write off again. That's the only way I can justify it. More pics taken today in the 6.5-10 mos picturetrail. They are very fuzzy in the face but the body is very clear so you can see my progress. I really am pleased and thankful to be just about at goal size wise. I wish everyone that is embarking on this journey all the best. I say it every month, but it has TRULY been the best decision I ever made. And I am SO GREATFUL I was even given this opportunity. APRIL 17, 2006 Just a random post. Nothing earth shattering to report. The other day I got my first "You don't need to lose anymore" from a co-worker. Blank stare. I know she is complimenting me but I almost need to hear "Your azz is still fat...get moving!" Because this is one female that has a history of resting on her laurels quick. LOL! Does anyone notice that when people compliment you about your loss and you smile and say thank you, then they go into what they are doing about their weight? And how they need to tighten up this and get in the gym and not eat that? I guess that's natural. Just something I noticed. No one ever discussed that with me before--even when I was trying to do it naturally. LOL! It was good to see my angelette T Robinson briefly over the weekend (with the water bottle in her hand!) She'll definitely be 100lbs down by her 6 month at the end of July as she's more than halfway there. She looks great and already so much happier. I really impressed upon her to enjoy these first 6 mos because I swear it becomes an uphill battle from there....not just with your body, but with your head. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Although somedays.... it's hard out here for a post-op..... MAY 8, 2006 --(224lbs/-121lbs/44 LBS TO GOAL???) HAPPY 10 MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!! I know, I know. The updating is getting few and far between but I guess it’s true what they say about actually finding a life after weight loss! I’ve always had one, actually one that many people envied. But I guess the increased energy and confidence has me wanting to be out and about more and not in front of the computer as much for extended periods of time to be able to write these lengthy updates. Man I just am so glad I was blessed with this opportunity while I’m still young, vibrant and free to do whatever my sassy little heart desires *smile* Anyhow, let’s get the basics out of the way. I’m currently at 224. So it would appear that I only lost three pounds since last month. That would be true if I hadn’t gotten up to 231 somewhere in the middle of the month. So I’m definitely in the fluctuating stage. But there was one week where I was losing a pound a day by increasing the protein and sticking to mostly protein sources so I know what I’m supposed to be doing to get the weight moving. But quite honestly, I “freelance” quite a bit and indulge myself at random. I had to sit back and really think about why I’m doing that. What I finally discovered is that for the most part, I am pretty happy with my body. I am currently in most 14s, L-XL shirts, 16 jeans, 14 stretch jeans. That’s as far as I ever saw myself getting. That is where I envisioned I would be at 180. I’m there at 224 and I think that 180 would have me looking like someone unrecognizable. I still look like myself, just much smaller. Frankly, I look great. This sounds like a vain statement and it probably is, but if I don’t believe it, who else will? I don’t want to be complaining that my ass is flat or that I’ve got so much excess skin I have to lift it up and such. Or that I’ve suddenly been elected president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. None of that is going on right now. None of that is appealing to me on my 5’8 solid frame. I’m curvy and voluptuous without being HUGE and that’s what I wanted out of this journey in terms of a look. My blood pressure is normal; I can jog and walk much faster; My moods are better; My confidence is up to the zillionth degree (right Princess Terrible? *snicker*); I can cross my legs and it looks sexy. It’s all good. Of course I wonder whether I’m settling. I know I could go further but I’m happy with where I am if I’m being honest. Do I like the number on the scale? I just always thought 180 was such a good number and looked at my surgeon crazy when he said 200. That was still fat to me and probably is to a lot of other people. It would still make me technically obese and that doesn’t thrill me. But now it’s not looking so bad. I just don’t want to get down to a crazy weight and still agonize because I hate my body. To me, a large part of this journey is about body acceptance. I didn’t have this surgery to still be complaining and never ultimately happy with where I am. To me, liking what I see in the mirror is more important than the number on the scale. Right now, for the most part, I am indeed happy with where I am. I want to tone a whole lot and these arms should be banned from exhibition in 50 states. But the hell if I’m hiding them now when they were on display 120lbs ago. They do indeed feel like the largest thing on my body so I’m more conscious of them now. But I’ll still be rocking the baby tees. *smile* So I still have 180 as the goal and if I get there, it will be a miracle. But if I don’t, I’m truly on my way to full body acceptance and I tell you, that is the best wow moment of all. Other than that, things are well. I still eat a bite too many on the rare occasion. But 98% of the time, I know when to stop. It’s becoming easier now because I tell myself just wait and come back to it a little later. It’s not going anywhere. I still eat mostly protein, the same diet as in previous months. Nuts and cheese are my main snacky items. I do mostly meats for dinner and yogurt and turkey bacon or a protein shake for lunch. I still haven’t gotten consistent with the pure water (I still do a lot of CL) or exercise. Those two alone would push my loss over the top. I don’t think I’m deliberately sabotaging myself. It’s just being consistent with the planning. When I plan my week, as far as exercise, I get it in no problem. I have found a great walking path and I do that. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been working out an average of 2-3 times a week. That’s just enough to maintain, not lose. So I sound like a broken record but I need to step that up and be consistent with it…and incorporate weight training. I pray I’m not still saying this at 2 years out. That is just one piece of the journey I failed at…consistent exercise. That’s always been my problem though. I could eat fairly right but never consistent with the exercise piece. I’ve still been doing my fair share of shopping…size 14s. I am still feeling a little panicky about the lack of a summer wardrobe and the fact that my entire wardrobe is just GONE. Right now, I have some spring/summer stuff and that’s it. No winter stuff…just got rid of all of it because it was 20s, 18s, etc. But I can’t think about that now. I have been good at mixing and matching and looking fly so far this Spring. I plan to do some shopping for my birthday this weekend or next to get some summer stuff. I see that I will be out and about more and I can’t be half stepping! Thank God for Tar-jay! I got the cutest wrap dress there. But you know what’s interesting; I still wander into LB and Avenue. I feel…lost if I think about going into other stores. I guess I feel like I won’t be able to fit anything in there. LB and Avenue are my safety zones. They are going to accommodate my thick thighs and ghetto booty *smile*. But I am finding that I definitely can’t fit their shirts anymore (14/16s) are too big in there. So I’m going to have to venture out. I know some people who couldn’t wait to get out of there but I still wander in there. It just feels…comfortable. So overall, life is good in my 10th month. I’m happy and feeling good and like I said, it’s showing. The glances and attention from men has increased and makes me smile. I’m still not totally comfortable with it (although it may seem otherwise) but I do like actually getting spoken to and the door held open, etc…all those things you didn’t realize weren’t being done when you were morbidly obese. People just react differently to super obese people. I can clearly see the differences now. As far as male attention, I’m not one of those that are like well, you weren’t noticing me then, so step! My thing is, you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to. Although I’ve always been a fairly attractive female (again, if you don’t think it, who else will?), my looks were swallowed by the fat. Now that I’ve gotten rid of some of it, it has increased my confidence…made my walk a little sassier…of course you’re going to attract more attention and be more radiant. I just feel better so I smile more and my smile is my best feature. So men respond to that. I ain’t mad at them! Relationship wise, I’m on cloud 9 right now. Since my "government name" was put on the board and people may be able to surf into this site, I’m not going to say much about that. We’ll just say that I’m very happy with my current status. But maybe if you torture Princess T enough, she’ll spill the beans. (She’s gotten enough shout outs on this post, but check out my Friends in the Struggle trail for new pics of her. If anyone says that the bandsters can’t lose as much weight, they need to check her out. She looks FANTASTIC and she works so hard. The heffa doesn’t have a profile unfortunately but if you contact her, maybe she’ll respond if she’s in the mood-*smile*) I’ll end this incredibly long post now. New pics are on the trail. Random ones taken at work to capture the cute outfit I was wearing. The face pics are random too. Just me playing with the digital. My mommy will be here this weekend and we will definitely do a photo shoot. I need to practice some poses that hide these arms. Until next time, rock on and work those tools! I’ll probably check in on my birthday to let you know if I reached my new mini goal of 220 by my real birthday. I just like round numbers no real reason. MAY 15, 2006 --(215lbs/-130lbs/35 LBS TO GOAL???) Just a quick update to say I updated my picturetrail from the photo shoot this weekend. Some random pics my Mom took of me. I like them. The arms need Jesus and the waist could be tighter but Good God, I no longer look like this.  Yes, that's me taken October 30, 2004, my Mom's wedding date. I had to be at my highest weight of almost 360 there. I looked HORRIBLE....absolutely miserable. It was like I had a fat suit on. I am bigger than my Mom and her husband put together! Thank God for deliverance. Anyhow, you may have also noticed my weight at 215. I still can't believe it. I was sick as a dog last week and didn't eat for three days. So I thought when I started eating again, I would put the weight right back on but it hasn't come back yet....although I'll let you in a little secret. When you don't eat for a few days, it must shrink your pouch because I definitely can't eat as much. I get full much quicker. Would be great if it lasted! So if I can maintain this weight all week, I would have reached my first mini goal. I also notice that my 14s are getting a little looser. Oh my! MAY 21, 2006 --(216lbs/-129lbs/36 LBS TO GOAL???) I celebrated my 29th birthday yesterday. Well, actually I've been celebrating all weekend. LOL! It was a great one I have to say. I have to mention a couple of things. Friday I was treated to a half day at the spa (mani/pedi, massage, and facial). I've done the spa thing in the past but this time was extra special to me because I was actually able to comfortably fit into the spa attire. I didn't have to clutch the robe around me because it actually tied and I just felt like a regular person. I wasn't uncomfortable getting up on the table for the facial and the massage. It was great. And then, the way I spent the rest of my birthday...won't go into much detail but I am just totally convinced that it would have never gone down that way...exactly the way I wanted...had it not been for this tool and the confidence the loss has given me to actually ask for what I want instead of hoping that it would just happen. I remember that I spent my last birthday alone waiting on something to happen. What a difference a year makes. Right now, things are good, very good. So as you can see, I am at 216 so I achieved my goal plus some. I plan to work on increasing my protein and water intake this week...also getting in a few days of exercise so that may be good for a few pounds. JUNE 8, 2006 --(218lbs/-127lbs/38 lbs to goal??) HAPPY EELEVENTH MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!! Wow, one more month to my one year. Unbelievable. I just think at this time next year I was in the final stages of everything--just had moved into my new condo, doing the last of the testing and appointments, all the while carrying around 127 extra pounds. Whew! Thank God for the deliverance. I can't say it enough! Anyhow, not much has changed since the last entry. I am fluctuating in the late teens now. One day I'm 216, the next 219. But I don't want to get back into the 220s. I'm serious about that. 219 is my breaking point. The fluctuations don't bother me as much as they used to long as they stay in range. My next mini goal is to get to 210 by my one year. That's 8lbs. I think I can manage that and it should represent a nice round 135lbs lost in a year. I like that--so stay tuned. I'm already planning to celebrate my one year at a cool waterfront jazz and seafood festival. Three of my favorite things. So I'm firmly in 14s, but had on some size 12 Ellen Tracey LINED linen pants today. So I think by summer's end, I may be in 12s. That's a bit scary to me as I can't envision being in a 12 but if it happens, it happens. I am really struggling with how to feel about this loss in terms of trying to maintain or continuing to push to lose more. I've talked about this before so I won't go over it again. But I'm really thinking I should try to get as low as I can but I can't pretend I'm not concerned about whether I'll like how I look that small. But you know, this tool is a gift that not everyone can be blessed with. So I shouldn't try to control it in that way. So I'll be pushing on to wherever my body takes me and I'll deal with it. I just never imagined that I would be in 14s and some 12s at 218lbs. My Mom wears 12s and 14s and she's like 170. As a matter of fact, she's sending me some clothes. I never thought I'd wear my mother's clothes. A couple of things coming that I'm excited about. Next week I'll fly for the first time since I've taken major weight off (I flew a month after last year). I am SO excited that I won't have to ask for an extender and that I won't get that look when I go to sit next to someone. I'm going to see some family that haven't seen me in a LONG time. It's going to be a trip! The other thing is that my best friend is getting married and I'll be her maid of honor. I won't have to order a tent to wear and because who knows where I'll be next year. That's pretty much it. Food choices remain pretty much the same. I'm starting to try to get into 2 shakes a day again. I had slacked off on that but when I do that, the weight moves. I tell you though, it's really an everyday struggle to do the right thing though. I stood in the Popeyes line yesterday and mentally battled myself to go back to my office and eat the baked wingettes I brought from home. I won that battle but didn't win one later that day. It never will end and that scares me. What if I just gained it all back? I still have that fear that I'm not really meant to be this size and I'm just getting a taste of it and it's just going to all pile back on at some point. I know it's crazy and I'm not kidding when I say I would end it all before that happened...literally. But it's definitely a thought that crosses my mind on occasion. It's like I can't believe this is happening. The compliments I get EVERYDAY from random people, it's like surreal sometimes. Literally, people I've never noticed before will come up to me and say something. You never know who is watching you. Oh and relationship-wise, things are quite interesting. I'm just really standing outside of myself at times watching how I interact with men. How have those behaviors changed? How has my body image changed? Am I more self conscious of my body than I was before? I still haven't fully answered these questions. Maybe for the one year I'll know. But these are my thoughts. I'll be back after my plane ride to share that wow moment. It's the one I've been most looking forward to. Probably will have pics when I return from the trip too. I don't think I look any different from the last ones I posted though. JULY 8, 2006 --( 217lbs/-128lbs/37 LBS TO GOAL???) HAPPY SURGI-VERSARY!!!!!) Wow, this year has sped right on by and here I am. A year ago I was carrying an entire extra person on me as I was being wheeled into surgery to be given a second chance at living. Have I always treated this tool as the blessing as it is? No, there was no magic wand someone pointed at me to make me become the perfect WLS patient and automatically give up all my bad habits. EVERY SINGLE DAY is still a struggle for me and more times than I would like to admit, I don’t always win. But I can say overall that this past year, I have worked this tool to the tune of 128 lbs lost in …something I could never have imagined this time last year. It’s true when they say that you can remember everything about that day. I remember everything that happened up until the countdown. I remember not feeling scared as if this was my destiny so there was no way I wouldn’t make it out and be successful. And here I am. A year ago, I was about 345lbs. I wore a size 26/28. I had co-morbidities I didn’t even know about. I didn’t realize it, but looking back I was HUGE. I thought I looked good. I know I dressed and carried myself well. But taking off 128 lbs will surely show you that you weren’t as attractive as you could be. These days, I weigh in between 215 and 220, depending on how much water I’m retaining and how bad I've been the day before. I wear 14s but they are starting to get loose and I have worn a couple of items in a size 12. As a matter of fact, I tried on a couple of 12s the other day in Macys. Some fit, some didn’t. I say I will be there in time for Fall shopping, which I’m very much looking forward to (the shopping that is). I went from 3x shirts to L. 44dd bra to a 38C. Not bad at all. Pics are on the trail in the 1 year post op folder. More to be added. And there is a nice little slide below this of my evolution over the past year. Enjoy. I eat a quarter, if that, of what I used to eat and I thought that I would mourn that terribly. There have been a few times over the past year that I can remember feeling a sense of mourning over not being able to eat a plate full of food. But I just have to remember how much more economical this is. I have meals for a couple of days instead of waddling out of a restaurant stuffed and bloated with enough food to feed two people. I can’t say I miss that. Especially when what replaces that is generally feeling better, more confident, energetic. Literally, I rarely go a single day without a compliment from someone. Sometimes it’s quite random. People I don’t even recognize come up to me and tell me how great I’m doing. Like just the other day, I was out wearing a cute casual lime green dress from NY and Company, matching green sandals, and a cute pink and green purse (see picture trail--I wore it again today!). Makeup was matching, hair was just right. I felt great. I was moving like I knew I was “it.” This random woman said “You look so pretty!” I immediately thought she must not be from here. LOL! I really appreciated that though and I just really am loving the increased confidence. It truly makes it all worth it. Other ways my life has changed? I’m able to shop mostly anywhere. I went into Lane Bryant the other day and felt lost. I mourned a little actually. Everything just looked too big for me. I know I’ve talked about this before but I guess because I’m still thick, I still wander in there. It feels safe somehow. Don’t know if that makes sense. But I did escape my safety zone and I shop in NY and Company, various department stores, Liz Claibourne outlets….stores I haven’t even discovered yet. It’s true also that people notice you more. They speak, hold open doors and elevators…offer you a seat when you’re standing. I’m used to it at this point but I can remember over this past year thinking that 128lbs ago, I was definitely a bit more invisible to some people…if that makes sense. Relationship wise, I’m dating, definitely a lot more than I was! I do get more stares from men and somewhat more attention. It was nice to be out with my cousin (who is very pretty and ALWAYS meets someone) and have not one but two men buy us both drinks just because! And one of them was actually interested in me over her and he was foine! That was truly a wow moment I tell you as we both agreed he was sexy and we don’t like the same type of men. But I just know that 128lbs ago, we BOTH wouldn’t have gotten two rounds of drinks as it had never happened to me before. Just for fun and to make this post even longer, I'll revisit my list I posted pre-op and see how I did: REASONS WHY I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT (in no apparent order) 1. To get rid of my comorbities and improve my health--not weigh as much as Shaq! (GLAD TO SAY SHAQ COULD PROBABLY PICK ME UP WITH ONE HAND!) ---sleep apnea (DESPITE THEIR DIAGNOSIS, DON'T THINK I EVER REALLY HAD THIS BUT HAVEN'T HAD IT RECHECKED) ---high blood pressure (NORMAL READINGS!!!) ---hypoglycemia (BLOOD SUGAR WAS NORMAL LAST CHECK) ---occasional sore knees (NO MORE SORENESS!!!) 2. To be able to shop anywhere--and trust me I will! (I CAN TRULY SHOP JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE NOW. I WANDERED INTO LANE BRYANT THE OTHER DAY AND JUST FELT LOSS. I DON’T THINK THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN WEAR IN THERE NOW.) 3. To be able to wear the cute baby tees (ROCKING THE CUTE BABY TEES HARD!) 4. To be able to cross my legs (I'M THRILLED TO SAY I CAN CROSS THEM COMFORTABLY...BOTH LEGS...AND I ACTUALLY PREFER TO SIT THAT WAY SOMETIMES. IT FEELS SEXY!!!) 5. To be able to go to an amusement park and fit in the rides (HAVEN'T BEEN YET BUT I KNOW I WOULD FIT WITH NO PROBLEM) 6. To not feel out of breath when walking fast or running (PRAISE GOD I WALK UP STAIRS NOW AND DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE. ACTUALLY I AUTOMATICALLY RUN UP THE STAIRS WHEN I'M GOING UP...WITHOUT THINKING. AND I WALK VERY FAST NOW WHEN I WANT TO!) 7. To be able to walk quicker and not feel weighed down (CHECK! I FEEL SO LIGHT ON MY FEET MOST DAYS) 8. To rock some stilettos...and wear heels all day. (HAVEN'T PUT ON ANY STILETTOS JUST YET BUT I WEAR MY HEELED SANDALS ALL DAY AND AM JUST FINE. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS THRILLS ME IN PARTICULAR. I NO LONGER HAVE TO BRING MY SHOES WITH ME AND WEAR SNEAKERS) 9. To not cringe when I see my pants spread out on the bed (NOW I FREQUENTLY LOOK AT THEM IN AWE THINKING CAN I REALLY GET ALL THIS AZZ IN THOSE!!!!) 10. To be able to wrap a towel completely around my body (AHHH....I LOVE THIS. I FEEL SO SEXY WALKING AROUND AFTER MY SHOWER WITH JUST MY TOWEL ON.) 11. Smaller ring size/shoe size (MY RING SIZE IS NOW ABOUT AN 8 FROM A 10 ½ AND MY SHOW SIZE IS A 9 ½ OR 10 DOWN FROM AN 11—HEH, I STILL AM 5’8) 12. To be able to stand on my feet longer with no pain (YEAH BABY!) 13. To feel more energetic (OH BELIEVE ME....THE ENERGY IS THERE!) 14. To be able to dance the night away--drop it like it hottt! (DANCED FOR ABOUT 35 MINUTES STRAIGHT RECENTLY AND COULD HAVE GONE ON LONGER) 15. To have space left on my seat for my purse (CHECK) 16. To be truly comfortable in my own skin--increased confidence (IT’S GOING TO TAKE A LONG WHILE ON THIS BUT FOR THE MOST PART THIS IS A DONE DEAL. I STILL HAVE MY MOMENTS BUT OVERALL I AM CONFIDENT WHEN I STEP OUT THE DOOR EVERYDAY) 17. Improvement in my sex life (now I can truly know the secrets of the Kama Sutra) (CHECK CHECK CHECK AND ANOTHER CHECK) 18. To not take up two seats on the Metro (CHECK) 19. To be able to rock those banging hats I see (WITH THIS HAIR, I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TEST THIS PROPERLY SO I'LL HAVE TO CHECK BACK ON THIS) 20. To not have my chest be a catch-all for food, drinks, etc. (SINCE I’M NOW JUST A ‘C’ CUP DOWN FROM A ‘DD’, I RARELY SPILL ANYTHING ON MYSELF NOW!) So there you have it. I have pretty much accomplished everything on this list. It makes it all worth it. At this point, my updates will probably be much less. I really wanted to stay on task for the entire first year of this journey. Right now, I think I’d like to take off another 20-30lbs over the next 6mos to a year and I think it will take me that long as things have slowed way down, through every fault of my own. I’m in maintaining mode and need to get back into losing mode. I’m still over 200lbs and although that may look decent on me, I think some areas would look a lot neater with that loss and onederland is a pleasant place to be from what I hear. So when I make any significant progress with this goal, I’ll check back in with pics and such. Meanwhile, if you’re considering the surgery, it’s not for everyone, but it was for me. Do your research and realize what you’re getting into. Work it HARD from the very beginning and address your eating disorder because we all have one. I personally need to get on the ball with finding another therapist or support group. It’s an often neglected part of the journey and that scares me personally because that means the weight will eventually come back. It doesn’t have to. I thank everyone who has supported me in this journey. You know who you are. AUGUST 8, 2006 --(208lbs/-137lbs/28 lbs to goal??) 13 MONTHS OUT Well the protein train was very successful as you can see by my weight. It's been a while since I lost this much in a month. I lost 7lbs and then another pound or two after that. This ride felt different. I felt more focused so I knew I would see good results. I got in more fluids and that helped a lot too. So now at 13 months out, I'm a stone's throw away from onderland. It's truly amazing. No new pics yet. Haven't taken any in a while. Maybe on Sunday at the Sugar Water Festival. (Yea I'm going to see those phat gurls Monique, Jill, and Queen!) Erykah can be honorary if she likes :) Things are pretty good. I did dump the other day for the first time in a while. Just when I get a little too comfortable, Priscilla Pouch reminds me not to totally show out. And I'm glad about it. I'm still a food addict. I saw that clearly the other day when something upsetting happened and I bought up a bunch of junk at the grocery store...feel good foods. I came to my senses, but it's NEVER over. I keep saying I'm going to find a support group but I need to make that happen ASAP. I'm still a ways from goal and it will be an even harder road to travel if I don't get some help for this. So the weight is 208...sizes are 12/14....I actually tore up a sale at Hechts and got some skirts and shirts in a MEDIUM. I figure they must have been large mediums. LOL! I think pants are different though. I can do 12 stretch but not a regular ole 12. These thighs are too thick for that! So the goal is to be in 12s firmly by the time I go fall shopping next month. I'll be riding the train the week before my vacation. I'm getting away for a few days to the Bahamas at the end of the month. Get some sun and relaxation...and some play time. Jussst what the doctor ordered. I plan to get in a lot of movement to counteract whatever I eat though. I will not be on swole after vacation. Those days are over! One last note...a woman at my job suddenly died. She was found dead in her apartment after not showing up to work for a couple of days. She was heavy too and had begun losing the weight on her own. I was SO happy for her. Her death just made me think about how thankful I am to have made it through this journey and be 13 months out with no complications. That is such a blessing. I once weighed almost 360 lbs!! I should have dropped dead from all that excess weight I carried around my heart all those years. I was never skinny so it was always there. And God made a way because he knew I couldn't do it on my own. In her passing, there's also a lesson for me personally....to continue to truly LIVE and make myself happy on the daily. Tomorrow just isn't promised to any of us. Especially those of us who have voluntarily rerouted our internal organs for LIFE. I often think about the fact that I risked my life getting up on that table 13 months ago. And that at any moment, anything could happen. Thankfully I was spared for a reason. And I'm going to continue to live like it! Until next month's sermon :) AUGUST 15, 2006 Just a quick note to say a new pic is in the 1 year post op folder. It was taken at Madame's C&L Support Group Meeting. Don't know if there is much of a difference between last month and now. I do know that outfit fits much looser than it did when I first wore it in June. There's actually a picture in the trail...my 11 month pics. I look a little smaller I think. There's also another new pic in the Friends folder of me and my "surgery twin." One of my co-workers said "You are getting so small! The smallest size is a 0 so you better stop now!" Puh-LEZE! People say the craziest things I tell ya. OCTOBER 6, 2006 It's been many, many moons since I updated. That's because I've had nothing much to report. I haven't lost anything in a couple of months now but can't say that I've been trying either. I'm actually gained weight, which is scary. And I feel like it's 40lbs instead of the 10 I think it is. (My scale has been acting wacky and giving me random readings.) But 10 is just as bad as 40. I won't lie and say I have a plan right now. But I am admitting it, which is harder than I thought. I do know what I need to do though and it's just a matter of doing it! The thing that scares me about this is that with the way I'm built and my height, it's easy for me to gain weight and it not show. That's how I ballooned to 360lbs because it just kept creeping on and I was still carrying it well. I mean I weighed almost 360 and my highest clothing sizes were 26/28. I know people who were 70 lbs less wearing the same size. It's crazy. That might explain why I'm still comfortably in 14s and 12 skirts with this 10lb weight gain. I almost wish I were one of those petite women who can't wear their clothes if they gain 5lbs. Not being able to fit all the winter stuff I bought would send me into liquid diet mode for a week! LOL! I need to ponder how I can stimulate my mind into panic mode right now. Fine time for this to happen as the holiday season approaches. I uploaded some new pics to the 1 Year post op folder and you may be able to see that I look on swole in a few of them, particularly the one in red. I can't believe I put the bathing suit ones on there. They may be there for a limited time only until I come to my senses. What's also funny is that I still get people complimenting me on my loss randomly. I want to scream "I've gained 10lbs! This should not be commended!" I just smile and nod though. It's a private battle of course. I did read someone's profile today though that REALLY inspired me. Very profound words and quite a success story. I need to read that a couple more times and get it together. Hopefully, I'll have better news to report next time I check in. MAY 15, 2007 --( somewhere around 215 lbs) Wow. This is truly like a blast from the past, popping on here to update this profile. I ought to be ashamed letting it go like this! Of course that was something I never said I would do :) Well, I'm 5 days away from my 30th birthday. I'll be spending it in Miami. I'm excited actually. No dread here. Life is good right now. I'm just glad that I'm entering the next decade healthier and happier. This is going to be short so let me move along with what you want to know :) I haven't lost any significant weight in ages as you can see. I meander between 215 and 220. Sometimes I wander a bit over 220 and I start panicking and cut back. It works. I'm still in 14s and some very rare 12s. Large shirts and dresses. At 5'8, that suits me just fine actually and I guess that's why I've stopped. I don't say it's going to suit me forever, but that's where I'm at right now and I'm happy with what I see in the mirror. I shop at NY and Company mostly cause they got killer sales! In there though, I'm a 16 because I have mucho thighs and bootay still. It doesn't bother me though. When it comes to jeans though, I still find the best fit at the big girl stores. And there, I'm definitely a 14. I haven't exercised in a month of Sundays but I do plan to start walking and possibly a Jazzercise class very soon. I need to build up my stamina for um...personal reasons ;) Depending on the day and what it is, my portion size varies. I find that I'll eat until I'm full, put it up and come back for it later. I don't eat a lot of starchy carbs. Still mainly protein for breakfast (sausage and eggs) and meat for lunch and dinner. I can eat more than some wls patients and I can eat anything, sweets included. It really just depends on the day. I haven't dumped violently in ages but I do get tired after I eat sometimes, which is a form of dumping. My bloodwork was good though so I must be getting enough between my vits and eating. I did buy some protein recently though. So overall, things are good. I'm traveling a lot this year. Miami this weekend; Philly next month (twice), Jamaica in July and Charleston in September for my best friend's wedding. I'm the maid of honor and we're wearing a halter style dress. Yikes! My arms are scary, but oh well. All eyes won't be on me....hopefully. For the last thing I'm sure you want to know...yes, I am involved. I have a bf for the first time in about 6 years (by choice). He knows about the procedure. I'm not sure where it's going some days, but it's good. He compliments me in many ways and treats me well. One thing I will say is don't think that this procedure will wipe away your issues! I used to think that the fat was the biggest issue and now that it's gone, the same issues remain. So it was never really about the weight. And one thing, whatever happens in this relationship, it is forcing me to deal with my issues and I do plan to seek out another therapist very soon. Okay, I am running late meeting a friend for drinks messing around on this profile! I said this was going to be short! But I'm glad I stopped in and I hope that the pre-ops will gain something from my story. Someone contacted me on the infamous MySpace to say they had found me so I guess someone's reading. Until the next time...probably a year from now :) Future Update Future Update Future Update Future Update 
 12-23-05If you'd like your profile spruced up write to one of the HTML Volunteer’s here:    Photos
Member Interests: Click here to see interests of other ObesityHelp members. Surgeon Info: Surgeon: Terrence Fullum, M.D.,F.A.C.S. Insurer Info: Unicare, NCPPO I had to definitely stay on top of things. But each time I called, the reps were very helpful. Once the nurse got ahold of my information, she approved me on the spot. However, I think my persistence is what made things go so quickly. If I hadn't called, I think it may have sat a while longer. Overall, a good experience with them. |
