ObesityHelp

Hi I'm Stephanie a 5'7 302lb mom of one 10y/o boy. I have been overweight since like age 8. My story is probably no different than anyone else’s so I’ll spare you that and begin the new journey. My new story so to speak. Man I am so excited about this you have no idea.



Happy Mardi Gras!
Okay this is my first post. 02/28/06

I have so many feelings right now. I thank God for the opportunity at a second chance and until recently this was a breeze. I'll explain, I began researching doctors. I went to a group meeting. I filled out paper work. Got approval on 2/13/06. When I visited my surgeon I was told they could not get me a surgery date until they had a letter in hand. I thought okay how long can a letter take? I was told the letter was mailed on 2/14/06 It is now 2/28/06 No letter as of today. This is taking longer than actually getting it approved. I know I should not complain because I have read tons of others posts and I do realize that they have had battles that last months if not years. However,.. I only have around a month for my insurance and this surgery to be covered. Then I will have to deal with paying myself,.. Single mom, Not An Option ;o(

3/2/06
Okay,.. here goes more of my whininess (is that a word?) lol I called my insurance company United Health Care of Texas and they told me that they did not send the letter to me, it went to my surgeon. It is now March 3rd, the letter was sent on Feb 14th. Like I said I am on a time frame and if I don't get a call from the Drs. office soon with a March surgery date it might not happen for me this go around.

I am really trying to do the fast thing the doctor told me to do. He said I should do strictly liquids (protein shakes) for 10 or 15 days to loose some weight and shrink organs. Which is fine if I knew when I had to start. But I don't and I just keep making excuses to not do it. I am from New Orleans originally and believe in celebrating Mardi Gras to the fullest and then giving something up for Lent. I decided to give up starchy foods.

SO far it is day two aannnnd well not so much! I do fine as long as I am at work but when I get home and have to do the mommy stuff and feed the kid. I tend to also feed the mom as well. I will get rid of all the bad food tomorrow and get myself some more of those protein shakes and try to do this for real. Umm let's see is there anything else I want to talk about now,.....

Guess that's about it. I will try and not write anymore until I hear from the doc's office about a date.



3/8/06
OMG!!!! I finally have a date! Well a tentative date anyway. I can hardly believe it. I can finally start doing all the things I need to do. For a minute I thought it might not happen. I am excited and can not wait to be on the other side. You know a great big loser!!!!


***Random Before Photos***

3/14/06
Alright!, Alright!, Alright! (like Matt McConahey)
I go tomorrow for the Pre-admit and Thursday for Meds & Psyche evaluation. Then next Wednesday is the Big Day! I am excited. I have so much to do with the wills, trust ect,.. make sure all is in order. I still have to talk with my brother Trev to make sure he is on board with stepping in and being parent to my son just in case. I still have decided not to share this with my family as they would never understand and support this, My decision. I know though that all will be fine. I am praying for a very uneventful surgery. I can not wait to be a great big loser. I get my life back! YESSSSSS!!!
c-ya next week!


Before Surgery 302lbs

3/22/06
Ok today is the day! 292lbs (lost 10lbs)
It is 2:31am and I am up with some gospel music. I decided to tell my sister. I gave her directions to the hospital she seemed a bit uninterested I guess she was a lil dazed as I woke her up at 12:45am Anyway, my wonderful son and my best friends will be there in the am with me. I was a lil scared earlier but I spoke with my BFF Trameka who calmed me down and told me she supports me 100% and she reminded me that God did not give us a spirit of fear. Well needless to say that's all that I needed to hear. I am okay now. God be with my surgeon Dr. Barnes. I am praying for an uneventful surgery and a speedy painless recovery. To God Be The Glory!

3/25/06
Wow on the other side now!
Pretty soon here I will be a great big loser! Yea-ahhhhh!

Now since I did not have an angel to tell me that the pain I had was normal. I called my doctors office and they were worried so I was sent to the ER in Dallas and was there from like 6pm to 3:30am. My surgeon came to visit me and was all but sure that I had no major problems. He is pretty awesome. But to be sure he put me on pain meds and had a cat scan ordered. After this a second year attending came to tell me all was okay I went home and the gas started to expel. What great feelings.

Well until the next day when the nausea hit. I was having some second thoughts from the pain, the nausea, and the foamy spit up. But guess what? Today was so much better. I mean I still had the pain due to the fact that I am not taking the pain meds. It makes me really sick. I got in soo much walking today. I think that has helped with the pain and the gas. I have one thing that I can't figure out, I am back over 300lbs was it just the iv's? hmm guess I'll have to see later.

Right now I feel pretty darn good. I am glad and can not wait to see what the rest of the days will bring. I still worry about blood clots etc,. and am wondering when I don't have to worry about that anymore. Anyway, I Thank God for this second chance and I know he will see me through this stage of the WLS journey.

Easter 2006 down -18lbs

5/10/06
Okay,.. I am sitting at the public library as I am having such a hard time using the site from my home computer. I wanted to just come in and update my page.

I can not say that I am too happy with the results thus far of this surgery. I am seven weeks out today and to say only 20lbs is gone is not enough for having gone through what I have been through. I am still in the what the hell did I do to myself stage.

The reason I did not post at one month was because I was still at 18lbs well at least I have moved a slight bit. ( I was way to angry and negative) I have to say I stopped coming to the sight because I could not stand to read about another person that this is working for. When I feel it is not working for me at all. I get in my water most days but do get in the protein and the vitamins everyday. I have also been exercising/walking since day one in the hospital.

When I was coming on the board for support I would get this general stop complaining it will come off and you are loosing inches. Well here I am just about 2 months later and right at 20lbs. When others are at 50, 60 & even 68lbs I was reading a ladies profile who said it was her goal to start exercising at 2 months she had already lost 58lbs 6 weeks out with no exercise?!? What the fah!!,.. LOL

I say to myself okay what is wrong with me? I also feel that even though there are people out there who are in the same boat as I am the rest don't understand. So I just don't post about it anymore. I just write in my personal journal. Hopefully I will go back one day and read and laugh. But right now I just can't. I keep thinking and seeing people who are a little more than one year out and are starting to have problems with loosing, slowing down dramatically or even gaining weight. I just keep thinking if I am loosing this slowly in the beginning then what is going to happen 9 months to a year out when I have not gotten the majority of the 150lbs that I have to loose off and the hunger starts to come back and then my lil pouch will be a big pouch? I am working so hard now I don't think I can work any harder.

Can you understand going through all of this to only get down a little bit? I have to take vitamins the rest of my life and not drink water when I am thirsty because I just ate 10min ago. If I eat too fast or one bite to much everything is coming back up and not to mention the awful fiber I have to take and the constipation its like giving birth once a week through the wrong part,..OUCH!

My body has been so compromised and I have not gotten to the part of elation because I nor anyone that knows me can see a difference and the scale, the evil scale I had to pack it away because it was driving me insane. Anyway, I think I may need to talk to a professional about all this sadness and anger over this decision to have this surgery. I feel like I have given up a lot for a little bit. Did I mention that 9 of those pounds were pre-op and I have the same outfit on today that I wore day of the surgery what a coincidence,.. It still fits, SIGH! ;o(

I go to the docs tomorrow for my 6 wk follow up. I sooo don't want to go. I know he is going to tell me I am doing something wrong. I am following to a T, though. Anyway, I hope I have better news next time I write. Until then,..

5/11/06
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!!

Okay, I have to say I feel so much better my mental health feels like it is up there. Soo,.. I went to the docs office today. But before I met with him I had to meet with the nut & the Psychiatrist for an hour each. I got a lot of questions answered and a lot more off of my chest. As I thought I was loosing to slowly. My doc says I should not be worrying about starving myself as long as I am getting in my protein and water that along with my vitamins. He said I was eating too much and I should be eating half of what I am eating if I want to aggressively loose the majority of this weight in the optimal weight loss window. I felt like finally I can live with this.

He did not tell me everyone looses on there own pace! Well,.. ok so he said that to but we went over everything and found I was eating a bit to much at 7 1/2 weeks out. He also told me to take what other people say with a grain of salt and if it does not sound right to call his office and just ask them. He told me my fears of not loosing fast enough was legitimate. I’ll explain; I have so much weight to loose and if I don’t get the majority off in that weight loss window then it will be much more of a challenge when the Ghrelin (what makes you hungry) starts to resurface and the pouch is larger. He said I will be able to get to my goal but it will take much dedication. And, that if I loose the majority in the first 12 months the rest won’t be as hard to get off.

So we came up with a plan to decrease my calories and increase my protein a bit and also a regimen to get the severe constipation under control. Once that is taken care of I think it will be much better. I feel like I have a new outlook on this journey. I met with others today both men and women who had my surgeon and were about a week apart from my wls date. It was both shocking and freeing to talk about my journey thus far and to hear their stories. There was actually one lady who was 2lbs less than I was. Oh and btw I was down 24lbs according to my doctors scale. I guess throwing that scale out was a good thing. Although I should have been closer to 40 its okay. I HAVE A PLAN! And I do realize as long as I am doing what I am suppose to it will work. My doc has once again calmed my fears that something was wrong.


Mothers Day Down 25lbs


ok


6/8/06
Well I just wanted to do a quick update. As of today I am now down 45lbs yeah for me. That is awesome I think, seeing as how less than a month ago I was only 24lbs down I am getting excited now and I finally started work this week it is a new job. I do have to say. I have been slacking the last week or two. I have not been exercising as I should. Let's be honest and say not at all.

I have been soo tired everyday after work that I come home and go straight to sleep for hours. I can not believe how I have no energy at the end of 8hrs. My goal is to attempt to wake up and work out but so far I have not been able to get near that goal. I am hoping as time goes on I will be able to get back on track. It is so easy to exercise, water, protein & vitamins when you are doing next to nothing else but resting in between but when your life picks back up look out.

I have faith in God and in myself that I will get it together again shortly. I still can not say I am happy that I have done this but I am sure it is coming around the corner.

8/11/06
Okay,.. So I am now down 67lbs. I was feeling kinda bad so I decided to put on some make up and a cute top and take a photo or two to see if I could see a difference. AND,... well not to sure what do you think?


8/22/06 5 MONTHS!
Wowie WoW time has really flown by.
Today I got on the scale and I was up 4 lbs to 229.5 but it is that time of the month so I am hoping that its just water weight gain. Anyway I feel good. I still get really hungry and I miss some foods. But I think its just because I have not replaced my 1st true love (food) with something else. So I think until I get more in my life I will be obsessing about weight and food or lack there of for sometime. My B-day is less than a week away. I have to tell ya, I am excited and I can't wait to see what the next year will bring.

C-Ya in a month!

Hay ya decided to write my W. L. Goals

What I want to accomplish!

**Learn to deal with life without medicating myself with food!

Mini goals:
Get under 218lbs **DONE 10/18/06**
Get Under 200lbs **DONE 12/??/06**
Get into a size 12 **DONE 02/01/07**

1). Have better health and more energy
2). Be hotter at 30 something better than I ever looked at 20 anything
3). To not be able to wear any of the clothes (size 26-14) in my closet, I want them all to be too big **DONE**
4). Wear skinny pants and a body shirt and have no FAT ROLLS anywhere on my body! (Yall know what I mean)
5). Take stiletto dance classes **DONE 8/1/07**
6). Take strip aerobic classes (same as above)**DONE**
7). Tandem Sky Dive
8). Wear a size 6 and maintain a size 8!
9). Walk on the beach wearing a sexy 2 piece swimsuit
10). Take a picture in one leg of my pants with my son in the other pants leg.


9/22/06
6 Months out now, Had to have an Upper GI done I will meet with my surgeon again next Thursday for the results. He is concerned with the slow weight loss and the fact that I was not getting the FULL FEELING. I don't have to much to say so I will post my 6 month photos. 223lbs -69lbs down, -79lbs total


10/19/06
Update: Went to the doctor and there was no fistula and he thinks I am doing fine, I think I need to work harder.. so I will! I will go to the other doc to find out if he thinks my pouch has stretched any. Noting wrong with a second opinion in my mind. Down -75lbs since surgery, -85lbs total. (((Size 14 Old Navy Dress))) Have not worn this in 2 years!!!! This other pic was taken 2 years ago,..Go Steph!


***Okay I had this very negative story on my profile. I decided that I do not want it on here any longer.

There are people in the world who can be jerks and you know who you are. Then there are people who can be really supportive, understanding, caring and wonderful humans and for the most part that is what I have found here on OH! through the different forums that I post on and people who I have met in person. I want to say THANK YOU! Thank you for being you!

Stephanie

11/23/06
Happy Thanksgiving all, I am 8 months out as of yesterday 207.5lbs 85lbs down 95 total. I wore my favorite Gap jeans size 14 yesterday to work. I have not worn these since the State Fair of Texas in 2004 sooo moving right along Praise God!

12/1/06
Well Thanksgiving is over and I have a lot to be thankful for my family, old and new friends, just being healthier and my slowly shrinking body. Thank You Jesus for it all!!
Here is a pic I took at work by the Christmas tree oh and it snowed a bit here in the metroplex so I went in the yard to play around with my son.




12/15/06
Well Well Well Onederland alas just short of 9 months out. Okay so I decided to take a photo or two hundred lol. We will call this the 9 month post op pics! 198.5lbs, Down -94lbs, Down-104lbs total



ALL DIMPLES and BOOBS,... hmm lol

Okay, I sent out some photos to my personal email friends list which also includes a bunch of my ex's. A few people wanted to see how I look so I sent my 302 photo and a couple others 2 from above. Most of the emails came back wow you look great etc,.. One email said Steph you still all Dimples and T!T$. At first I got really mad, because to hurt me this guy would say stuff like you just a cute smile with killer t!t$. As a matter of fact the last time he said this we broke up. He apologized profusely and I accepted so we have remained 'email friends' you stay in touch only through emails and the occasional phone call around the holiday etc,.. Anyway I decided not to let that upset me anymore because I love my smile and my Boobs everyone knows this about me. Hell they are only 2 assets on a long list of many and the smile is what everyone sees first. I had a bunch of low cut shirts and dresses when I was 250-300 so why would it be any different 150-200 I will have it like that for as long as I can getaway with it. If you don't like it don't look. This is my new attitude about it. I say if you can get away with it and it works for you, then work it! I think that might have been his way of trying to tell me I was not all that, I think he is just still a lil hurt that I broke up with him what an a$$,.. LOL

12/22/06

Well I'll be darned. I almost missed my 9 month update. But I have 8 minutes to spare. Anyway I am back up to 200lbs as of this am. I hate that. I thought I had put the 200's behind me. Oh well I don't even really know which day I hit ONEderland as they call it here but I am sure I will get back. So I still can't say that I am happy about this decision but I am not terribly sad either. I guess once I get down to below 175 that's where I was before when I lost weight w/o surgery. From here that would be another 25lbs more. I still have 45lbs more to get to MY wls goal of 155lbs and 65lbs to get to my doc's goal. The next 3-6 months are gonna be really interesting.

12/31/06

The end of another year. I have gone through so much this year. I have done something that I said I would never do and that is have WLS. I have had to deal with a lot of things that I would normally just turn to food as a comfort for. It is weird when you want to go back to your old habits and binge when your lonely, upset, sad or even happy and you physically can't. I have had to deal with me, for the first time in my life probably. I mean yes I have been on diets for years but it was just that a temporary state and at anytime I could binge and or fall off of the diet wagon. So for around 7-9 months of my life even as the emotions came and went I could not turn to my pie, cookies, cake or pizza. I would get sick, I would feel bad and literally get full after a few bites. So now what? Hmm,...

I deal, I learned to deal with me. I learned to read again, I learned to pick up hobbies, I learned to drink water and exercise on a Friday night when I had extra energy instead of picking up the phone and dialing an ex or a booty buddy. In general I felt the same exhaustion after but in addition I actually felt good about myself after the act was over. I ended another year celibate and I feel good about that,... my wrist hurts a little (LOL,.. wink, wink, ;o)) But in general I feel real good.

Anyway, I am not saying I am cured because over the Christmas break while cooking and baking I realized after a taste test that I no longer dump. I was really surprised and tested my limits with some freshly baked sugar cookies and a sliver of pecan pie. But to my surprise nothing I wound up eating over the course of Christmas Eve and New Years Eve today well let's just say way too much stuff that I should not have. But the good part about it is that I know now and will just keep it out of the house. The horrible part, I don't dump anymore and I know it. I think it was all the extra fruity protein shakes over time adding an extra banana here or extra slices of peaches here and there my body just got used to it I guess. Its weird I used to dump off of a protein bar and bread now,.. no more. So I just have to watch it now. Onto the next 50lbs,... I took a week long break from exercise, I called it a Christmas present but i am sure I will feel it Tuesday morning,..lol But a New Year a New Me!

Stephanie 2006
Cya next year.



1/23/06

I’m 10 month’s out as of yesterday. I have to say for the last month since about before Christmas I have been eating like there is no tomorrow. I have done the wrong thing which is eating then drinking. It started simple a little wine with dinner then it became easier to want to eat and drink so I could eat a little bit more. So I did found myself 8lbs heavier. Then I decided to do the protein train I lost 9lbs yea, It got me back down to where I was before Christmas but I found when I went back to eating I was so very hungry and I ate granted I tried not to drink when I ate but I did eat a lot. It scared me because I could eat so much more than before. I gained 5lbs back. I had a hot dog and was able to eat the whole thing and then some. I felt really out of control it felt like I was eating day and night. I would exercise and be so effin hungry after I’d find myself eating 5-10 min after I exercised. I was telling this to my friend Cindy and she reminded me that I still had the tool and it was just head hunger and I should try drinking water again. She told me to wait 10-15 min and then if I was still hungry then just eat something. I tried this but figured I was still very hungry so I ate. This pass 3 weeks have been a nightmare.

I prayed about it. I woke up Sunday less hungry but my head told me I was very hungry so I over ate and for the first time in a month I actually felt full. I was happy but to be honest it kinda pissed me off a little because I had all these things I was gonna try and eat before Monday,..(Last Supper Syndrome) LOL! I woke up and decided that I would start over on Monday so I did. I decided to try and do liquids first (In the form of low carb slim fast and protein powder mixed with water or milk.) and then ease back in to the food and start measuring out my food again. It is obvious that my eye to stomach ratio can not be trusted. The only good part about this last month is that except for the little Christmas present (1 week no exercise) I have maintained my exercise regimen. So even though I gained those 8lbs everyone still says it looks like I lost more weight. Maybe all that sweating is paying off. I am on day 2 of the all slim fast-fast. I am not endorsing or recommending this in anyway. I am just doing what I know has worked for me in the past. I just needed to get the hunger away. So far I have not been hungry. I will see what happens when I start to introduce light foods back in.

I felt as if I have pissed away the last month gaining and loosing the same pounds over and over again. I was very mad at myself because I thought oh my God I am not going to make it to my 1 year goal at this rate. I got over it. I am feeling that as long as I keep waking up everyday and fighting the good fight then I will be alright. I had to remind myself this is not a diet. I will have to deal with the food issues and learn how to deal with them for good not just a year or whatever. See I met one of my first real weight loss goals which was to be under 200lbs and in the passed whenever I did that it was time to party. This is not a good idea for me at all. Yes I still have my goals I readjusted them to give me a more realistic outlook and a real chance at making ALL of them. I have a couple more mini goals for myself with no time frame now. That worked well for me a few months ago so I’ll try it again. I think I got the big head when some people were telling me how good I looked, how skinny I was getting and how I did not need to loose anymore weight. If you keep getting told this subconsciously you will begin to believe it and may even start sabotaging yourself. I have at least another 50-61 lbs I want to loose so I can’t give up the fight now. It has always been a physical fight for me since I am a slow looser but now its gonna be more mental than anything now. Because this is where I have always stopped in the past as far as weight loss goes right at a size 14. I was always a “ pretty and thick” girl then I would get overweight then obese then thick again. I can’t stop here because this is not why I had this surgery. I want my quality of life to greatly improve I still have so many things that I want to do that I still can not or will not do at this weight. It will get better. I trusted God’s answer when I prayed and I believe 100% I also still have faith in myself that I can do all things through him that strengthens me.

1/26/07
10 Months out 102lbs since surgery 112lbs total
*****NO LONGER OBESE!!!!!*****


2/1/07

Ohhh-MY

What a WOW Moment I had today and at Wal-Mart of all places. So my car was getting lubed today and I began walking around the Mart. I decided to go to the clothing rack and pick up a pair of really cheap pants size 12 to see how far I had to go I was just gonna buy them to hang on the back of the closet for a reminder. I went to try them on and I was expecting not to be able to get them over the hips. Low and Behold!,… dunt da da da!!! THEY FIT,.. now they are very snug but they fit!!

Wow that is a goal come true I am going to enjoy this. I plan on wearing them in two weeks hope they fit even better than they do now. I also got a $3.00 shirt off of the juniors rack as well total outfit price $9.00,..lol that is another wow for me also. I thank you for sharing my journey with me. I am still a slow loser but I think I am finally okay with that. I will be 1 year out next month and I still don’t want to see the family for another 30-40lbs because I want that “DAYUM” effect,..lol I want jaws dropping and heads flopping (double takes),… LOL!

Okay so onto the next goals I’ll try and not post any new pics for a while maybe until my one year surgiversary!

Ya Girl

Steph

Also,.. here is what I bought today. I just had to come home and share with whoever decides to read this profile. Yippiee!



2/20/07
Happy Mardi Gras YALL!!!!!



2/21/07
ASH WEDNESDAY
LENT
What am I giving up? Hmmm,..I can not believe how quickly a year has come and gone. Almost one year ago at Mardi Gras time I found this site and made my first post. I am almost 1 month shy of my 1 year surgiversary. It has been a very wild ride. I'll write more about that in another month.
BUT!!! What to give up,..
I am going to sacrifice MEN! eyup you heard right.
I realize that every time it does not work I get upset and tend to eat my way out of the disappointment. So I am going to work on that. Yes work on me and why I do that. I have 40 days it does not seem like a long time but I will be in constant prayer about it. With all of this attention I'm getting its going to be a challenge to walk away and not date, not take any numbers, or even give mine. However, I need to figure this one out.
The other thing I'm going to give up Peanut Butter. Yup that's my crack. I could go a week and just eat the smooth peanut buttery goodness. And I have done that a few times. I have Peter Pan crunchy that I am still holding onto because its so hard to throw out. I know its recalled (salmonella poisoning) but dang its soooo good and yes along with all the Bad stuff I had on Mardi Gras I ate a bunch. Hey,... I'm still alive. Soo Long Peter, Pan that is!


OK,.. and while I'm on a roll there is no big change gained a few lbs,.. no big deal!
Sooo here are the 11 Month Photos


3/07

First I want to say I am happy that I have lost the weight and am looking forward to getting back on track and seeing more of my goals met. I thank God for this surgery I really do. I have to say that because I don’t want it to seem like I am complaining or that I am ungrateful because I am. I just want you to understand that its not just that you loose 100 lbs and life changes and you are no longer an addict. I want to let you know both sides of it. For some it seems like that is it. They get the surgery, all is good, their life changes for the better and they don’t have any other issues. For Steph… Not So!

okay I went back to eating regular foods/ fast & junk food and gained 13lbs ‘gained’ ARGH! I am Obese again. That pisses me off so bad. I absolutely hate that. I gain weight when something does not go my way. It’s still my coping mechanism. I don’t know how to fix this. I really believed I just liked to eat food and that’s why I was 150+lbs overweight. I can now see that this thing is so much more than that. I jokingly said that peanut butter was my crack. But it’s actually food. I mean I thought I was learning how to do this I am just now realizing that I can not fix 30+ years of emotional eating in a few months. Hell I am just now getting to the fact that, HELLO MY NAME IS STEPHANIE AND I AM A FOODAHOLIC!

If I am going to be honest I have to say I am still emotionally dependent on food to get by. I have come to the realization that I have to find a way to really deal with this. At first it was easy because I had no choice in the matter, if I tried to over eat I was going to get sick very quick and stay that way for awhile. But now I have been having some stuff go on with me that I am just not sure of how to cope with so I found myself hitting up the wing stop, taco bell, wendy’s and taking fast food home and eating on it no grazing on it. Sometimes I even drink more water to make room so I could eat more. I am so ashamed. I have gone to bed sick to my stomach from over-eating several times for at least the last 12 days and I have had to pull over on the side of the road to puke at least 2 times because I ate too much or maybe too fast not sure which one. I felt as if I could not control myself. My son was almost in tears as he said Mom I hate that you had this surgery you are always sick and you are so sad.

I cried so hard because I could not believe that he could see my unhappiness. I guess before WLS it was easy to hide with food. Don’t feel good, let’s go to McDonald’s & get apple pie, sugar cookies &/or ice cream cones. I would then wolf it down while he played on the playground. Then thirty minutes later I want more, hay Big Mac meal with a shake instead of a drink yes please make it a large (remember no super sizing anymore) Now, I have a sugar high so I’m happy mom again. Just to get home lay on the couch watch tv until its dinner time. Hey let’s order food to go that way I can get 2 meals tell myself one is for lunch tomorrow (knowing I’ll start on it as a late night snack) get 3 desserts cause one is for tomorrow (again yeah right). Get a half row of cookies to eat on my way out the door for the ride to pick up the food. So I pick up dinner and think ice cream would go great with our dessert stop to get some along with other snacks for the week. Get home pig-out and yes happy mom is back. Why, because the food/sugar was giving me a temporary high. Yes I was fun/sad. You could not see it because I was medicating myself with bad food (which really tasted soooo gud) and it made me feel really happy for the moment.

Now post wls when I try that it makes me sick and I don’t get to that happy place for long because seconds – minutes later I am sick and yes it still tastes good. It took me nearly 3 weeks to figure out what I was doing to myself. I don’t think I would have realized it was that way if my son had not said what he said. I also found something else that I was doing. I really just started drinking alcohol to numb the pain. I know you are saying you should not have any pain you just lost a ton of weight. WELL guess what it was only fat that I lost. I did not loose the reason why I had a ton of fat/weight in the first place. All the stressors, pressure, and disappointments are still there weather I weigh one hundred something pounds or three hundred something pounds. They are still there I am just in a little smaller package. My life did not suck because I was fat. I was fat because I did not know how to deal with life when it sucked from time to time. Life can really be a bitch at times and now I have to figure out how to deal with it before I change one habit for another habit I have to figure this out. I can not afford to be a drunk addicted to pain meds or heaven forbid the real deal, drugs. I thought I may get hooked on men. However, I have nipped that one in the bud for right now. That’s another story for some other day.

I have started to talk with someone, a professional to try and get to the heart of all of this and to learn how to accept the things I cannot change and the courage and ability to change the things I can. My plan is to get back to church. I don’t care what some people say about “Church”! It is needed in my life, I need fellowship. Yes I know the most important thing is a relationship with God. Think about this though he made us this way we are not meant to be alone. Otherwise why do we crave a mate, why must we have children, why do we need our friends around if all we need is God? He wants us to commune and praise him, raise our children to fear and love him. So yes I’m going to Church.

I am soo very happy with loosing a ton of weight I really am. I feel better physically and yes I look better. I just wanted to get on here and be honest. It is not all roses and cherries for everyone who has this surgery. It can be darn tough. Not just the loosing part but the self discovery the finding out who you are and why you do what you do.

Everyone’s reason for being obese are different but a few of mine are I truly don’t like who I am. I don’t feel like I deserve good things. Yeah of course I want good things but deep down inside I don’t feel like I am worthy of them. It is a hard journey and I have to see this one through. This is very personal and I doubt I will share any more than this. Because it is mine alone to figure out and work through. BUT GOD! I have God with me and I know all things are possible. I hope no I pray that everyone reading this will get there and work through it quicker than I did and I pray that your journey through this part of WLS is swift and life changing for the better.

Good Luck and God Speed!

3/12/07

You know just when you think you are all alone. God sends angels in your life that let you know that they are thinking of you and that you actually do matter and are missed. My BAF family,..wow you really like me,..lol Thanks for the notes and for checking in on me. My DFW family what can I say I love you like a bunch of play cousins, for real yo!,..LOL

I feel good and I have been offered much love and support I appreciate you! I woke up and started over today worked out really hard and am happy to report no junk food. I will be taking it a day at a time. I am getting back on track I WILL do this.

3/18/07

I went bike riding with my son a few days ago,.. I thought I was in shape. Yeah right my butt still hurts from that ride. Here are a few pics.


3/20/07
I'm doing things I would not have done over 100lbs ago!! I have watched my son skate for years and I finally decided to join him. Also he gave me one of his jerseys to wear its from when he was 9 y/o WOW!,..lol


3/23/07
1 YEAR OUT yesterday!!
Okay its been a year. I thought I would have all this advice and a bunch of stuff to say at my one year surgiversay/rebirthday etc,.. Well, I am sitting here reflecting on it and I have to say I don’t have a lot to say maybe because I am so tired.

On second thoughts,… lol I get a ton of private messages telling me thank you for telling the truth. I just have to say that this is my story. For some it’s the great easy solution to all their problems for others it takes hard work and then there are those of us that its actually hard work for both physically and mentally. If I could give advice and I think I said this before. It would be to learn how to eat. Learn how to listen to your body when you start to get full don’t always rely on your new tool to do all the work because eventually it will stop working as well as it did in the first couple of months. You will eventually be able to eat more and you will get hungry and believe it or not you will get another birthday cake and holidays will come and go. The world does not change because you had WLS it goes on and people at work will have spreads, parties and doughnuts. Now while you are early out you think I don’t want this or I don’t want that. But eventually you will want your favorite foods and you can and probably will eat them again when you are further out from surgery. So I say and I feel a bit hypocritical saying this but screw the scale. Relearn how to eat and how to have a real relationship with food. A relationship that’s like you are for nourishment and nothing else. Then maybe you can kill the beast for good. Also, do not be afraid or ashamed of counseling. I think it maybe a life saver for real. Its good to tell your story its good for you and it may help somebody.

Umm.. I see some thing’s in my life that I recently started that I do not like and I am thankful to God that he is allowing me to see it. I don’t like the way I started to look at obese and super obese people. Not in a disgusting way, just staring at them like I know they are miserable. Or sometimes I’ll pass the lunch room at work and watch some people wolfing down fat and stuff and I’ll pass by with my Atkins shake and hold my head up high. Then I’ll think hay hold up just a short year ago that was you and while you bull shittin just a few weeks ago look at what you were doing.,.. LOL its something else but believe you me I will not forget I had to have wls to get it together and I am still really trying to get it together.

I have a few new goals:
I was at 187lbs as of this morning, which means I have spent the last month and a half loosing and gaining over and over. No I did not make my one year goal actually I am not even close. So I am readjusting it to be more realistic of my journey thus far.

Okay, so I am 1 year out 187lbs. I still have my main goals from above but here are some mini goals also:

Mini Goals:
Get Under 175lbs ** DONE 4/12/07 **
Loose another 15lbs from there**DONE 5/18/07** (that’ll get me to my 2nd real goal- weigh less than my niece) but she lost like 10lbs since last year,.. what tha??
I would like to be in a size 10 COMFORTABLY (not snug) by summer(hopefully Mothers Day)**DONE 5/18/07** {size 8}

Old goals from above:
1). Have better health and more energy
2). Be hotter at 30 something better than I ever looked at 20 anything
3). To not be able to wear any of the clothes (size 26-14) in my closet, I want them all to be too big **DONE 5/1/07**
4). Wear skinny pants and a body shirt and have no FAT ROLLS anywhere on my body! (Yall know what I mean)
5). Take stiletto dance classes (buy a pair also) **DONE**
6). Take strip aerobic classes (same as above)**DONE**
7). Tandem Sky Dive
8). Wear a size 6 and maintain a size 8!
9). Walk on the beach wearing a sexy 2 piece swimsuit
10). Take a picture in one leg of my pants with my son in the other pants leg.

Ohh yeah and it wouldn't be me if i did not post pics,..lol



4/10/07
Okay so I can not believe I had 2 wow's and did not post about it or take a photo,..lol So here goes, shopping for Easter this weekend I picked up this sun dress that was low cut and the girl that helped me pick it out was like just go to Victoria's Secret and bring the dress they will tell you which bra to get so it will not show. So I go in there like a kid NO IDEA the girl is like what size do you wear? I was like I am not sure anymore so we measure still a D thank God!! 38D YESS! the WOW you ask, Shopping at Victoria's Secret got the matching set and some smell goods as well. I felt so girly, no womanly. It was actually my first time shopping there ever. I even flirted with 3 guys fresh from Iraq one said he would love to take me shopping if I modeled for him,... I bet!!,..lol Those kids were like 19-23 no older it felt good.

Second wow,.. this one is more of a denial wow really. I tried on a pair of size 10 ladies pants and when I held them up I was like there is noway these are gonna fit all this,.. lol I put them on and I'll be darn,.. they fit and comfortably at that. The band had a little room in the waist but they were not tight. No,.. I am not rushing out to go buy a bunch of them. As a matter of fact I said I would try and not buy anything new until I lost another 15-20lbs. I think I have enough clothes to get me by the next month or so before they get too big,.. maybe!

4/12/07
Okay,.. I am not to sure about posting this so I may take it down. I feel a little nervous about it. On one hand I am so happy to be able to fit into a size 10 even though it does not look as good as I would like but I figure another 10 lbs it will look better.

(174lbs) Here is a size 10 pair of straight leg jeans,.. I'll wear them for real next month I hope they fit better by then!!

I am 15lbs away from a normal BMI!!! I think that’s one dress size. I get a lot of questions about loose skin and I am the first to admit HECK YEAH I have it as well. I took a couple of pics to show one of my preop friends and she was like that’s not to bad you actually look sexy!! She blew my head up so I thought I would share just a few. She was like do you realize you have lost about 85% of your excess body weight. I was like yeah that is a great thing. Now I know I am nowhere near my goal but I wanted to celebrate this.

I would have never thought about going out in a two piece and I have never taken a picture in a two piece to actually show someone but I’ll share with you,... okay!! ;o)

PLEASE DON’T LAUGH AT ME!!!! I am a work in progress! ((( But I think I’m gonna be hot very SOON ))) Also,.. No Plastic/ Cosmetic surgery yet!!


I went to a party for Baylor Hospital's weight management program at the Gladney Center in Ft Worth. The doctor said all the post op's in attendance lost nearly 2000lbs combined. Here is a picture of my surgeon and me and my nutritionist and me. My dress was a little big on me but it was a fun time good food also.


4/21/07
I have been feeling so unattractive lately so I can not say I have been caring about my appearance. Yes, I still workout at least 5 days a week but when I go out I don't really think about what I wear. So when my son came home and said he forgot to tell me he was invited to the neighbor kids party and it starts in 20 minutes I just put some flip flops on and went to Target to get a birthday card and a gift card.

We were walking up to the check out and this man turns around and says my daughter goes to Colleyville do you know her? I kind of looked at him, then he says your a senior right her name is Caitlin. Then I remembered I had my nieces school shirt on. I started laughing and said its my nieces shirt she played v-ball last year. My son will be there shortly. He was like wow your old enough to have a tween? I know I don't look even close to 21 let alone high school senior.

My son said he was just trying to flirt with me, either way I was flattered because he was a hottie. Came home and snapped a few shots. btw,.. I have not lost anymore weight but I think I have gained muscle. We will call this the 13 month pics!


5/22/07
Guess What,… Guess What,…. GUESS WHAaaaat!!! I am normal! Yes! I stepped on that scale and I’ll be darned if it did not say,… R U READY FOR THIS!! 156LBS.


Okay now that I have gotten that out of the way. I have a lil to share. I had some sad times in my family recently so I had to head home for back to back funerals. I had planned on going home soon but not for that reason. Never the less, I got home and was not recognized, my teenage (19) nephew tried to hit on me,.. funny schitt now he denies it but I made fun of him for 4 days straight!!,… LOL I was called to young, skinny, slim, skinny minny, brick house, brick wall??(what tha?,..lol) beautiful, sexy, and my favorite HEALTHY LOOKING and HAPPY!! I think I gained 10-15 lbs all in my head,… LOL! I even had a cousin who is a hater btw,.. she could not stand the compliments that I got so she stayed away all together until I left town, I know because I called 2 hours after I left and she was at my mom’s house for like 8 hours,.. can you say it with me HATE-RRRR!!! Lol

Anyway last time I wrote I was hoping to get into those size 10’s comfortably well I am in a solid 8,... so how about that. I also gave one of my nieces my 12’s and a couple of 10’s but for the most part I kept a few 10’s. I am glad I did because all that good food in New Orleans had a way of finding my hips and tummy. But I am back home and its time to get serious. I still have another 12-15lbs to loose to get to my ultimate goal of loosing 100% of my excess weight. And then its onto maintaining it. WOW what a trip this has been! Ohh and by the way everyone kept thinking I was my niece you know the one who was there the day of the surgery. I said that day I wanted to be her size or smaller than she was. Well I think I made it although she lost between 10-15lbs since last March and we are built differently cause she has a butt J-lo & Beyonce wish they had. She's 17 and graduated high school last week here is a picture of the both of us.



The 14 month photos 156-159lbs


June 1, 2007
I had to come and share a different kind of a wow moment. I was driving home from work after a pretty good day today I wanted to celebrate. In the last two months or so I got into the habit of shopping on the weekends well because its fun now or so I thought. I did not realize that it was becoming my crutch. I wanted to celebrate and I had that feeling and that thought of lets go out to eat when I realized that I am on a strict eating regimen right now and could not do that. So I switched lanes to turn into the store to go buy something that I really did not need or want.

Well guess what This Time I recognized the behavior. I went home and did something else and still have the $50-$100 or so I would have spent out eating or buying clothing or shoes. I still went to the movies tonight but I did not spend 25 bucks on snacks for two people. I took bottled water, cheese sticks, some fruit and Cajun trail mix for my son and he was happy. I was happy because he is okay and likes the positive lifestyle change. (He will break the obesity cycle because I made a change one day, Thank You God!) He did not gripe that other people had popcorn, soda & candy because he had some of his favs! This was a huge moment for me! Now if I could do that I mean recognize the triggers or emotions every time ,..wow I'd be a better person with more money in my savings,..lol

6/7/07
My girls went from big to small I am a B cup now,.. this is a push up bra!
I guess I should explain this statement better,...........A fellow BAFer was celebrating her birthday Sat night and I needed a strapless bra and was in the mall normally I'd hit up Target or Walmart. But I saw Fredricks had a 2 for $29 sale so I went in and picked up a 36 D & 38 D because I knew they went down. Both did not fit so I asked the girl to get me a C she was like I'll get you a B I was like ohh hell no! a C will be just fine. So she brings it and too effin big.

So I try on that B with tears in my eyes and it fit. So I was all asking her how big the bras run. She was like let me measure you. So I agreed well........... 34B what the hell you mean you did it wrong cause you just said your bras run big. Measure me again dang it. ( My New Orleans accent came out I had not heard it since I was a teenager,..lol) Ohh my God so she did and I am.
34B and I am afraid with 15 more lbs to loose I might loose more.

It is traumatizing to be known for your girls and not have them anymore. This was the first time I went out and felt self conscious about myself. I realized how they were so much a part of who I was. Even when I was 300 I had the boobs so people looked and guys ogled so I felt sexy. I don't have an ass so when I went out I did not know how to feel sexy anymore. BTW the bra I had on was a push up bra and It was padded and the still looked small.

I truly went home and cried. Called my friends at 3 in the morning because I did not know how to cope with it took a bunch of chest pics to convince myself that they were still there. My friend Joel told me they are not small they are just average size now,.. just like the rest of you Steph so you are going to have to deal with it. It was mean but he was right.

I will be talking about that one in my counseling session today for real,..lol



Okay.. so I am full of updates lately I guess. I want to share this. I tried on my size 6 pants and they fit a little naw they fit okay. I really was feeling a little bad about the bra size going down so much so I went to the mart to get a few cheap B's and yeah I got 5 bras for less than what I used to pay for 1, it took a few days but I am no longer in denial. Anyway I checked out the 75% off rack and saw 2 pair of pants for $3.00 each I got them in size 6 tried them on when I got home. Well here they are. Now I am still bigger in the middle but its coming down. Wanna C It,.. Here it Go!


6/9/07
I have to say I did not really like the pics above because I feel like I look so fat. I know that can't be real but when I look at myself I still see the wrong. However, I tell you this I am less than 6lbs away from the goal of loosing 100% of my excess weight. I could not believe the size 6 so I went deep in my closet and got "THE" dress and took a few photos I am going to a party tonight and I am brave enough to wear it despite the bumps or lumps I see. Hell I worked hard for this. Any way here is my size 6 little black dress. Hope you like!!

Oh and I always like to play around taking pics so here are a couple more........



6/22/07
So its been 15 months and yes I made it to another milestone in my WLS journey. It’s the biggie, I have officially lost 100% of my excess weight. Yesssss! That means I now weigh 147lbs.


So now what you ask,.. LOL I am glad you ask. I still have a few more pounds I want to loose. But I am comfortable in my size 6 right now for me I think its good. You may ask then why loose more. Hmmm Glad you asked. I want to loose more because I want to end up here. What that means is I know I will regain a few lbs. I know this from talking to a few post ops who are many years out. One suggested that I aim a little lower so when/if the regain happens I may stay around a 6 or an 8. I think that makes sense so I am gonna try and aim for it. I think I would not feel so bad going back to 52-55. I think ultimately this will be my high. Like I don’t want to go over 155lbs, that will be my limit or my max weight so to speak. So anytime I get near it I will get myself back on track. But seriously right now my focus is more in trying to get my food intake right not so much trying very hard to loose 10-15 more lbs. I think I just need a mental break from it you know,… LOL
I notice whenever something happens or I am not trying very hard to loose weight I start to get lax in my eating. I want to try and fix this so I had to give myself some healthy options to my “bad favs”. Some foods you just want and I know the key is moderation but I am still a food addict so for times when whatever the emotions maybe I have written down some cues as to what set me off in the past and how I used to cope back then. I also jotted down a few options to TRY first before I turn to food. My hope is that having a copy of this on my fridge and in my cupboards will help me. I hope it will help me see that I really don’t want food and that its just an emotion I am experiencing at the moment. I am used to connecting this emotion to that food and that is why I want it. Hopefully I will choose to not indulge. However I am only human so I put some alternatives there until I can get strong enough to see it for what it is. Then hopefully I’ll get to that moderation thing. You can check out what I came up with this is the abbreviated version for the internet. Its like when I felt like this, this is what I USED to feel better.
LONELY
= Pizza, chips & dip, popcorn, crackers and cheese, choc candy bars
ALONE
= Ice cream & cake, & pie, French fries, bread, fried crawfish, shrimp, potato salad, Razoo’s or any Cajun restaurant it reminds me of being home.
ANXIOUS
= Sweet cereal w/splenda I sometimes I mix it with ice cream instead of milk.
DEPRESSED
= Popeye’s, bbq, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, buttered corn & fast foods.
HOPELESS
= Any kind of sweets in mass amounts for days until I have my fill.
COMFORT
= Pie, cake, cookies, & warm bread pudding

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD:
LONELY
= Pray, Journal. Carrots & dip or celery & dip, SF popcorn, seeds, few nuts,m rye wafers & cheese, There are many sf low carb chocolates to choose from.
ALONE
= Freeze Atkins Shake, Freeze protein shakes w 1% milk, splenda, add fruit alt to ice cream. SF popsicles, wght watchers 70 cal snack cakes. Melba toast, veggie fries & ranch. Boiled crawfish, shrimp or crabs, healthier gumbo, cauliflower faux potato salad.
ANXIOUS
= Really sweet fruit. SF drinks, SF fudgesicles, Smoothie King Ult.
DEPRESSED
= Journal, Do the opposite immediately. Naked, baked, rotisserie chicken, can use sf bbq sauce, baked bbq beans, Chili, cheese & spinach pizza, whole wheat pasta & cheese
HOPELESS
= Immediately do the thing that feels good that’s not harmful. Turn to a hobby. Get on your bike or go for a jog. The endorphins will kick in and make you feel better afterwards.
COMFORT
= Read the bible. Have a safe alt fruit w/ yogurt or fruit w/splenda a warm sf cookie, pb on banana, banana, peaches, raisins, splenda & milk with wheat toast tastes likes bread pudding.

CELEBRATE: Go dancing, an outing w/child, or a close rode trip if it’s a big one. Find things that you could try, always wanted to do, don’t get to do often enough. So instead of dropping $35-$50+ on dinner you can probably spend half that doing something more fun and memorable for all involved.

15 Month Pic!! ( 145lbs since WLS,..155lbs total)


7/1/07 4:02am

Okay, I totally totally hope this makes sense. I don't feel that drunk I just had some Melba toast and Veggie Soup cause I think I am becoming a vegitarian I hope I sp that right. Any way I totally toatally feel so hot right now,... for the 1st time in a long time and I oew it al to my friend Joel who insisted that I go out with him and some buddies from work. I had guys fighting over me literally. HA!!

OMG Becky!! I felt like Tupac ALL I'S/EYZZZZZZZ ON ME!! It was soo much fun. I mean I just had on some jeans that were 2 big and a tube top but the eyes OMG fun stuff I even had 2 girls hit on me funy stuff I tell you anyway I hope these pictures are not blurrrry but I just had 2 share w/u!!


7/27/07
Okay so this month has been stressful. I barely know where to start. This is the first time in my journey where I have just not felt motivated to update. I think I remember saying last time I needed a mental break from WLS. I just did not want to think about it anymore. I know and I am only 15 mo out, well 16 months out now. I think I just started obsessing about it. I think the sizes and the scale were becoming my new thing. Back at the beginning of June I was less than 10 lbs from being at my goal of losing 100% of my excess weight. Now I could have just kept doing what I was doing and I would have gotten there. It would have taken a little longer but I would have gotten there. I just wanted to be there already!! ARGH!

So what did I do? I did the Master Cleanse (EDIT!!! LET ME JUST SAY i DON'T ENDORSE THIS FOR WEIGHT LOSS,....IT IS TRULY A CLEANSE AND NOT TO LOOSE WEIGHT) and did it for a little longer than 10 days I will not say how long lets just say that I got into a size 4 and was told by my close friends that it did not look to good on me. I had a week where I wore some of the new size 4’s I purchased and a ton of people were saying how tiny my waist was and how they were jealous of me? 'ME' can you believe this? Actually only one of the girls at work was hating on me. She kept telling me all week long how I was loosing too much weight and how I was looking like I was deflated and needed to gain weight ohh and my manager, she told me to go eat some doughnuts because I said I was cold in a meeting. But they were just hatin cause both are now on diets,.. Effin Haters!

It was so funny I remember a Friday after work going into a store thinking how big a pair of pants looked only to find out they were a size 8, which is not big at all. Earlier this same day I had gone to lunch with 4 of the girls from work. (This was the 3rd day of coming off the Master Cleanse so we went to Jason’s Deli I got a raw veggie salad.) The one that said she wanted to drive was driving a little truck with a cab in the back. Two of the girls were plus size I’d say 240 & 280-290. The bigger of the girls was like I’ll take my car and you can ride with me. Since I have an SUV I offered to drive. Then one of the girls was like why are we taking all these cars we can all fit in that truck I’ll sit in the front you two sit in the back and Stephanie is ITTY BITTY (wow) she can fit back there with yall with no problem. Me itty bitty!! I seriously teared up because for the first time I got it. I actually felt small. I wanted to just go out and celebrate by showing it off!! I even scheduled to take pictures that weekend because I have never been that small and wanted to take professional photos because I knew when I stopped the Master Cleanse I was gonna gain like 15lbs right away in 2 days or something.

I wound up not taking the pictures because my son was with his Grandmother and I thought we should do it together if I was going to pay that much for them. I can not believe I went out like that and did not get one picture at that size. I did not gain the weight in the first few days of eating either. It was weird I actually lost 8 more pounds when I started eating but I was only eating raw veggies and fruit. When the fourth of July came I had a veggie burger and 2 vegetarian riblets with light BBQ sauce. My family thought I was crazy because I was trying to not eat meat anymore. I just felt so good on the cleanse and wanted to continue to feel that way and stay that size. Because honestly I loved the attention I got, well kind of. (I'll go into detail about that some other time, still working it out) Anyway,.. Someone told me that if I did not go back to eating meat I could keep it up.. I thought that is no problem because I have been trying to do that for awhile now but I kept eating turkey & chicken which is not bad but I also had to have the breakfast sausage occasionally.

After a little while of being so strict, I had to have some real cheese and not veggie cheese and something besides salads, nuts, beans and fruit. I could not live on fruit and veggies. I wanted the tofu and the other stuff problem is I really don’t like cooking for one person. So I started eating out a lot. Eventually I started eating normal cheese and eating at a lot of the Vegetarian restaurants. Did you know that they eat alot of carbs because they are missing out on the vitamins and nutrients you get from meat. Now because of all that darn rice, bread, wraps, carbs and what not I started craving sweets and started with the rice ice cream and soy dream. That stuff gets frozen like a rock and you have to thaw it out.By the time thats done you may not want it anymore or you may want to eat a lot before you freeze it back up. It just took to long to eat like this at home and the food is terribly expensive if you want prepackaged foods. So I was like, I need dairy and seafood. I think I can live with that and I am still doing this now.

I did regain weight more so in the last 2 weeks as my mom was here visiting and I had a health scare and started stress eating and never stopped but I also never stopped exercising until this past weekend so I have not exercised since last Thursday. Although I did go to my dance class on Wed, I’ll tell you more about that soon. I will get back to the basics on Monday. I think a week of no exercise will not do too much damage. I need to mentally prepare for this and want to totally rest this weekend.

Now, the health scare. I found a lump in my breast and went to my doc’s office she confirmed that there were actually two lumps 2cm close to my breast wall and the other almost 4cm. I do have a family history of BC. I was so scared, to cope I ate ice cream and baked bread daily until my mammogram and ultrasound, then the biopsy but THANK GOD, they were both BENIGN. I went out jogging last Wed night because I had to find out Thursday a.m. and I wanted to take my mind off of it. I took my dog Summer for a jog, she was frightened and ran across my path to get away from a loud speeding car. I took a tumble kind of hurt myself but got up dusted the grass and stuff off and kept going. I did not worry about it until Friday after work when I began itching like crazy. I got home to get into the shower and noticed little read bumps all over my leg, knees arms, right shoulder and I also had it on my face and neck. Yup,... Poison Ivy! I was so itchy I was trying to get out of the clothes and into the shower I gave my mom my jeans to wash. I washed my darn cell phone. Now I no longer have 250 numbers that I need/want. So if you ever gave me your number, I no longer have it. I would love to have it again. Please send it to me in a private message, Thank You in advance. I'll keep a copy in my email folder next time. I did not even know my mothers number that's SAD I know. She had to write it down for me. I have been using my son’s cell phone until I get a replacement.

Anyway,.. I don’t have any updated pictures for 7/22/07. I do have a few random ones from the last month and a half but they have other people in them. My girl Sonja Mc came to my son’s B-day party and she said I looked really good. She said I looked so thin. But I felt like I was a lot bigger. I thought that was weird because at that time I had gone from 134lbs up to 156lbs that day. So I am back in my 6/8’s The jeans I had on were an 8 and they were a little baggie I had to pull them up a few times. I think I even have a picture of me pulling them up,.lol Since then I have gone up to 155-160 depending on the day. I think though it was a direct reflection of stress eating and I told myself it was okay because I had a lot I was dealing with and my mom was here cooking all this good food. She was very respectful of my no meat choice until she cooked red beans. But she did fix mine with no meat so I ate it several times. Also she snuck some bacon into the cooked spinach she made for me. I was wondering why it tasted so good she said she made it with a roux and extra spices. I was cleaning out my fridge and was about to give the last to my dog when I saw the bacon sclies at the bottom. I did not get upset because she made so many seafood dishes while she was here and yes I ate fried fish, it was So awesome.

Anyway here are a few random pictures from the last few weeks,...


Hey I forgot my neice emailed me this picture she took of me Sunday before she left. So I guess this is the official 16 month picture. I guess I'll say I am around 155-160lbs. I have no idea my mom took my scale back with her. I will know on Monday morning when I weigh in at my f/u appt with my primary care doctor. I am not sweating it at all.
I am not as itchy any more and I DON'T HAVE BREAST CANCER! GOD IS GOOD!!!


8/1/07
Okay! so I hit one or should I say two of my goals. I wanted to take a strip class and a stiletto dance class Well here in the Dallas/ Ft. Worth area I actually completed a series of Exotic Dance Classes in my heels. That was part of the deal, once you hit the studio you had to dump your flats and hit the heels for the entire class.
So here are a few pics from tonights last class & 1 w/ my instructor!


8/22/07
Okay,.. I AM SO EMBARRASED!!

I have become a total slob this past month. Its so weird. Last night after work was my first time exercising in almost a month.

Last time I wrote I said I would start Monday. Well, Monday came and went, came and went again and again. I noticed I started feeling bad. I was beginning to get anxious, depressed and I started turning to food again. This time it was a little bit healthier foods. But still I was overdoing it. I did not go back to meat eating but I did get back on that ice cream train. I told myself it was okay because it was soy and or rice cream. Then why did my mom call me and tell me Burger King makes veggie burgers. OMG!! I almost hurt myself with that first one I tell you it tasted like a whopper.

Anyway, back to my exercise. I decided to go into it slow by taking a bike ride. After about 2 miles my arse began to hurt. We did about another ½ mi and I realized I had to ride back. I felt like I was gonna die after those 5mi. But really I came home ate a salad and of course ate ice cream,.. lol but only a 1/2 cup this time. Took my shower, then I slept so well & woke up feeling great. I had no idea that exercising was why I was feeling better. I thought it was because I had lost so much weight. It was most likely a combination of both. I honestly hate exercising. But I love the feeling that I get more than I hate exercising. So I think I will keep it. I have gained a few more pounds but I am not regretting it. I partied hard this past month and ate well. The only thing I would have done differently is I would have kept exercising like before.

Last year on my birthday my secret wish was to be a normal size person by my next birthday. I think I’ll make it,.. lol Anyway, I’m off to exercise now. I don’t really have a 17 month photo by myself but I think this picture sums up the last month pretty well…. LOL


8/28/07
HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!! (((155lbs this am normal for my B-Day Yesss)))

I Love these pictures from Sat.

Here is a link to the pictures from my birthday get together this past weekend! Thanks again for coming I had a ball yall!!
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?uid=9716828


9/22/07
I don’t think I have a whole lot to update this month. I am still around 155lbs give or take a few pounds depending on what I eat or don’t eat. Also I am back to exercising the class I am taking right now is body sculpt 2x’s per week along with my other stuff.

I have started dating again. It feels like I am a teenager. I don’t know how to feel sometimes with all the attention. My sister in law has taught me to accept compliments. What I was doing is every time someone gave me a compliment I would always take away and point out something negative. It’s like my self esteem went in reverse. When I was bigger I never did that. I loved compliments as half azz as they were. You know pretty face etc...

Okay,.. so like I said I was dating a lot really in the last 2 months or so. Two of these guys caught my fancy and even though I am not having sex I still love to kiss and make out a bit. I am keeping this WLS related so I have to share this bit. I had on a tube top and we were at my guys house watching TV cuddling on the couch and began making out. I totally did not think about this but it has easy access for him... LOL So, as we are making out in a swift movement down comes the top and the bra. I am frozen with fear, shame, embarrassment etc,.. I can’t move I have no idea what to do. This is the first time I have been put in this situation. All I can think is I hate my girlz what should I do. I don’t even think of the fact that we were going farther than I was ready for. All I could think of was they are all wrinkly and prunie. OMG. You know what he did not even care. OMG can you believe that. I was so hard on myself and he could care less about my itty bitty boobs or the fact that my bra was padded. He even offered to buy me more if I wanted them. Because I said I did not like them. Hell yeah I want me a pair of new girlz!!!,.. lol but more than that I want a tummy tuck. His answer on that was after we are married and have a kid. Well we will see where that goes. I’ll see if he waits for me,..lol

Anyway,.. here is a picture I took on Saturday at the Ebony Family Reunion in good old Oak Cliff/Dallas, TX I was 154lbs Sat morning which was 18 months out.


10/22/07
Okay,…

So no real updates this month I gained a few pounds. I still exercise like a maniac. I am back up to 161lbs but we are thinking its muscle. I hope its muscle and that it will begin to melt the fat once I start with my 2 a days again tomorrow. I am going to try and get back to 100% but the correct way this time. I guess it’s not so much as important you know the number on the scale but just were I feel comfortable you know. I just remember that I felt excellent at around 140-145 so 15-20lbs I guess would do it. I am giving myself until the end March beginning of April. Now I know I could do it much faster but it’s about getting my eating demon under control. So wish me luck and pray for me.

I know you all love how I keep it real or so I am told on a daily basis,..lol One day I will be able to be more candid but this is as far as I can go right now. What I have learned is people gain and or fluctuate monthly even people who have never been obese so I am learning not to beat myself up about it. In some pictures I will look FAT in some I will look PHAT. I am not a super model so I take the good with the bad and keep on rolling with the punches. My little rolls on a picture are nothing compared to the big rolls I used to have when I was over 300lbs. I have done an admirable job and I will not let anyone especially Stephanie (me) take that away from me.

I get up and I do what I have to do on my journey. I have learned that it is not a destination for me but a journey and a lifestyle. I have to make decisions daily about exercise, vitamins, water, and protein. For the rest of my life I chose this and if I want to be healthy and normal I have to do it. I can’t keep hurting myself for a number on a scale or a dress size. DAMN IT!!! I am not were I used to be!!! And today that is good enough for me. I pledge to not hurt myself by trying to do something in 20 or 60 days. I pledge to be realistic with myself so that I don’t disappoint ME. When others disappoint you its one thing but to be let down by the only person you can really rely on and trust in besides God is just a pitiful shame. So yes I have given myself 6 months to loose 15-20 lbs. talk about no pressure! My real goal here this time is to get healthy spiritually, mentally and then physically. Yes, in keeping with my realness and honesty about my journey I still have that Ideal Stephanie in mind, but I want the whole person not just the outside image and inside she’s all eff’ed up you know. Its weird last month should have by all means been my last post because I only wanted to keep the journal up for 18 months but I think I will hang on in there for the 2 year duration and then update maybe every 6months to a year. Unless I get married have a baby or get my “mommy job” (boob job/tummy tuck) So it looks like you are stuck with me for a little while longer at least.

These are a few photos I took today and last night also I did a modeling event last month with my girl Monica. Schitt, I aint no model I am going to leave that up to her and Lila but I sure as heck had a great time mingling, dancing and feeling pretty,…LOL these are the 19 month photo’s. ENJOY!!



11/19/2007
This is gonna be really quick. Its Thanksgiving week and I refuse to set foot on a scale this week Haaaaa! Not a whole lot has changed. I gain a few pounds and loose a few here and there. I got with a personal trainer and he says I am at 28% body fat and to get to the body I want I have to go down to either 19% or 18% for the flat belly and the slim but defined look I want. He says I should drop 14lbs-16lbs and put on 6lbs of muscle which will help me burn the fat better, keep it off and have an overall good look. Anyway, I took these pictures Saturday night at a casino party in Dallas. So this is the 20 month photo. C-ya before Christmas Happy Turkey Day Yawl!!!


12/14/2007
Okay I am a couple days early but I don’t think it matters. Life goes okay for me I have no major complaints just really busy lately. Made it through the Thanksgiving holiday now I just have to get through Christmas and New Years which I think will be just fine. My son is headed to my mom’s for 2 weeks so it will be just me and Summer my lovely dog. My plan is to start running with her again. It’s gonna be very hard cause it cold and rainy but I think I can do it!!! Ohh I got something, who knew when you gain a lil weight your boobies come back and your new lil bras don’t fit the same,… Hhhhhhhhha (check em out!!)

Anyway, to everyone who has been sending me mail I will get to each of you. Those of you who write to me know I like to answer in depth,..LOL so once I clean house and Christmas break gets here I will read my mail and respond. In the mean time if I don’t see yawl until after the holidays Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
To all who have fallin off or are planning to get off the WL wagon remember as far as exercise and eating right it will never be too late in 2008!!! Its going to be Great!!



1/28/08
22 months out. I am still working hard to get to my weight loss goal. However, most of the work I have been doing as of late has been on the WHY,...
Dealing and learning how to live healthy mind body and soul. I honestly have to say for the first time in awhile I am starting to feel a bit like the old Stephanie, less the weight. I am feeling content & happy. This last couple of weeks has been just awesome. God is good and I trust him totally. I asked, I listened and he answered. Maybe not in the way I would have liked or even wanted but I sure have an answer and I feel I can live with it. I have felt contentment for the first time in my adult life and It is amazing. I want to do whatever it takes now to keep it. I feel totally okay and although I still want to loose those last 20lbs (and for those that keep asking I weigh 158lbs as of this am) I can say I am comfortable in my own skin.
I normally don't share very much of my personal &/or dating life but this goes kinda in line with my weight loss jorney and the psychological and or emotional side of it. So I will share with you but don't tell anyone else okay,...lol. As most of you know I have been abstaining from sex for awhile now. Also, I was very hesitant to date anyone during the major part of my weight loss because I did not want the drama of it all. Even though I did have it a tiny bit when I lost too much weight and got dumped,... LOL I thought it was all good but when he left for Iraq I was 300+ when he returned I was one hundred and something and he was just not physically attracted to me anymore. HhhhhhhhhA! ( I can laugh now but I was in tears then) Anywho, I had been really careful with not being in a realtionship until last fall when I realized how much I missed and wanted to be a "we" again. However, in my mind I totally did not feel attractive and it was really messing with how I viewed myself and how I interacted with others. I totally did not like it. So on my journey of self RE-discovery I have been learning, well more like forced to love me again. There was a period of me not liking me very much. I admitted it to myself and I faced it head on in therapy.

It was not until recently, last week when I had to talk one of my friends down off the ledge that I could see we really were not that different. I was in some what of the same predicament but my drug of choice was food. Hers were men, alcohol & prescription drugs in that order. She recently had a scare and thought she might have "THE NINJA" (hep b or aids) So instead of waiting it out she turned to her vices and called me in the midsts of it all very drunk, scared and hopeless. I was a friend and in the middle of the bathroom holding her hair trying to help her. She looked at me and admitted that she wanted to die. My beautiful, fun and ditsy latin sister from another mister. I held her like she was my child and began to talk to her spirit about who she really was and the men, alchol & drugs (because that is how she was abusing them) were not her. I began to tell her of my struggles and how they were not so different and no one could really judge her because we all have our vices. Some more than others but she was worth so much more and I started to tell her how loveable & likeable she was. She was like everyone loves you Steph you don't understand. I got really honest with her and told her the one person that it mattered to the most did not like me and she allowed no one to love her for fear that they would hurt & reject her so I got alot of friends & associates and put them around me over the years to fill that void. I told her of my story and in trying to help and save her I actually saved myself. We cried, laughed and prayed that night. Her mom now has her kids and she will get the help she needs because later that morning we checked her into a hospital. Her mom wanted to give me money for saving her daughter's life. I was like Mrs. Hernandez your daughter saved me. My girl is now in her first day of in patient rehab. I think she will do it.

Anyhow, after that I decided I just want to live life. I had a trip planned for Vegas to attend a wedding this past weekend and I made it up in my mind that 'SOMETHING' was going to happen in Vegas and stay there,..lol It is so funny how things happen. Originally I had planned on meeting one of my IM buddies that I had to just hang out one night while I was there. Now, taking a turn in my emotions I had a different plan so the one guy I picked that I was like you know what this guy will do perfectly. So a few days or so before I went, I started talking to him by phone. He was pumped, I was a little unsure but when I got there I was like oh yeah its on. Let me tell you this. We went out, got back to his house were making out and in the midst of this a Church song replaced that old freak you song. I was like ohh no way,.. I can't do this change the channel so we did and I felt funny (conviction maybe) So we stopped and took a tour of the house and grounds cold as heck btw. We were both very tipsy at this point so I get back inside and hopped under the covers in his room felt something and yup there it was good old aunt flow,,... lol so he went out to buy the feminine protection I jump in the shower and into some of his sweats. I am going what else could go wrong? btw, I had just had my period not 10 days ago..LOL

Now you would think I would listen to God,..umm not so much, LOL Still in Vegas Mode, not really caring also very drunk at this point(impaired judgement). In the middle of this, after he has made me happy downtown right when most guys would seal the deal he stops and says Stephanie I don't want a one night stand with you. I am like what? No I want more in my life. You are not a one night stand girl either you are actually wife material. He refused to have sex with me. Now I do have to tell you, several hours had passed before we got to that point so before this we had talked about my family, my son and my friends etc,.. He seemed so enamored by me but I thought that's just sappy Stephanie thinking that, but maybe there was something to it. I felt dissed, and unattractive I sobered up very quickly and started to overthink. However as we were cuddling he said you just deserve more than this I can see that and I will not treat a jewel like a harlot even if that is what you say you want. Now if you still want it in the morning when we wake up then we will see what happens. I tossed and turned all night I watched him sleep and finallydecided to go downstairs with the dog.

I thought about the irony in how I did not get what I wanted from Vegas but I got what I needed. I wanted to feel needed and wanted, admired, lusted after and I wanted to feel alive again. This man danced with me, looked into my eyes told me how beautiful and special I was. That night he held me in his arms but more than that in his heart I will never forget that Saturday night. I walked though the warm fire place lit house with only my panties on. I caught glimpses of myself reflecting off of the windows & other shiny objects throughout his home. I looked into this full length mirror in a hallway and I fell back in love with myself, all of me. My post wls surgery body bariatric boobs and all! He rubbed my feet, sang to me & nursed me through a very bad hangover the next morning with juice, Tylenol, sinus meds & hot tea. We read the paper together on the floor with his black lab next to us. We ate breakfast and he took me to the store so I would not have the same dress I had on from the night before. We hugged and kissed and he told me at the age of 45 I gave him hope and made him want to get married and have children after all. He gave me much more. I got myself back. I finally listened and I saw myself through this random stranger’s eye. I can finally say again this time with honesty Stephanie I love you and I like myself alot! I feel so alive. The guy you ask, well I will probably never see him again nor do I need to. I believe he was there for that reason only.
So here are a few pictures from Vegas.



2/5/2008 - HAPPY MARDI GRAS YAWL!
Laissez les bons temps rouler!!
Let the GoodTimes Roll!!!



2/22/2008
Okay,.

Well this has been a really quick month. Not a lot has changed weight wise I continue to gain a few, loose a few. Now I do have to say this. I took a few pictures at a meet and greet and I have to say it was one of those fat days. My size 8’s were a little tight and I looked a lil chunky. BUT….. I still felt sexy; I had a great time and when I looked at the pictures the next day it just made me re commit to the journey. I have to say my self esteem has made a tremendous come back. I know my worth and I fully accept and appreciate it. Before I would have beat myself up about it and felt bad. Screw that! I am totally enjoying my life whether I am in a size 6 or a tight 8. I am still enjoying my life I am just enjoying it a bit more at the gym these days,… LOL It is very hard to get back into the no junk food phase. But I did give it up for lent and I have been doing well so far. I was becoming a chocoholic since I don’t dump anymore. The bad part I picked up the peanut butter habit again. I also snack on my soy nuts from time to time I don’t look at that as junk food so much as the way I get some more protein in. I know I know I will stop it soon.

Now I also have to say this I had been slacking on my healthy eating portion as far as making sure I got in all the water, protein and vitamins everyday. My doctor’s office called and was very concerned about my cell levels. They were like we do blood transfusions at 8.0 and you are at 8.6 So now I am taking about 325mg of iron I will retest in about 2 weeks hopefully all will be good and I am not really anemic but my mom does say it runs in the family. It just made me pay more attention to what I am doing and realize I have made this decision so I have to take care of myself. I just wonder if the numb leg and toes are because of this. We will see and I’ll keep you updated. I don’t really have any pictures of me by myself. But I wanna share the good with the bad so here are a few of the pictures I was talking about. See ya next month!


3/8/2008
I am a little dissapointed in the Texas primary. I have been on the go for the last 3 weeks supporting Senator Barack Obama. I was so looking forward to the Obama/Clinton saga being over I guess we have 3 more months of it. sigh,.. anyway here are a few pics from the Yes We Can/Change Rally and my Primary shirt that I had made. On a brighter note our caucus was very successful and my first year as a precinct captain was a success as well also I am a delegate so that is very exciting.


3/22/08
2YEARS OUT!!!
Okay so it’s the day before Easter and I just realized that its my surgiversary. Hmm,.. Well doing okay. I am 149lbs as of 5 min ago, lol My weight fluctuates a good 8-10lbs I still have not figured that one out but I try not to be consumed by it. My goal weight that I set for myself is actually 138lbs I only saw that one time when I stop eating solid foods for a few weeks via the master cleanse diet. I did not make my 2 year goal but I realize that I have not been trying really hard to make it. I actually have not been exercising as hard as in the past some weeks I do and some I just do 3-4 times a week for an hour or so.
I am still trying to work on my food issues. I can say that sometimes when I get upset I still want to go and eat. Sometimes I will catch it and say I am not really hungry and do something else but sometimes I will actually give in and just have my comfort foods. I can still be a snackaholic and I am really still lovin my peanut butter. But I have to say this year has been better than the first year as far as food goes. I am still trying to get that healthy balance though that part is very hard especially since I still have no desire to eat meat.
As far as this next year goes I am going to try and learn how to get the nutrients I need while still not consuming meat. Sometimes this gets hard because I can get lazy about it but I know this is very important as my doctor said. My labs are not quite where they should be so I have to pay attention to my nutrition a bit more. Um, love life confusing. Home life is ever changing. Life in general challenging but I am getting used to me at times. Sometimes I still have those days where I feel like I am 300lbs but more days than not I feel ubber-sexy. I want so badly to wake up and not feel like a bariatric patient but I think until I get my boobs back and the flat tummy I always wanted I will feel that way. My next real goal is to get prepared for the next phase the plastics. I feel weird about that because on one hand I still want to have a baby but I know if I get the plastics I will not want one. I guess I should not be worried about it as I am probably closer to having the cosmetic surgery than I am to actually getting married and having a baby in the next year or two. I guess only time will tell that though. Anyway, my advice still stays the same at two years out. Get the help you need because this surgery is more about your head than it is about losing weight and also relearn your relationship with food early on then you will be ahead of the curve. Good luck to all of you and I’ll be in touch. Say prayers for me guys. I really need them and I will be praying for each of you who has taken the time to join me on my journey. Good Luck and God Bless.


SUMMER TIME 2008
New Summer Hair Cut!


Just me!! A few Pics I took over the weekend, and yes I did wear this to the club,.. Haaaaa!! Don't B Hatin!








DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!!!!!
******



Ooooooo M.G.
I will not go into a long speech I will just share some pictures with you all. My son and I witnessed history 11/4/2008 at the Hilton in Down Town Forth Worth we were the minority in the room but it was all about UNITY!! God if we could have just taken the feelings in that room and spread them around the planet and have it stick what a better world we would live in!!!

a few more,...


11/11/2008
Happy Veterans Day and Thank You Vets!!





12/13/2008
Wanted to share a few photos from last night at my friend's 29th B-Day party at The Gaylord Texan's night club.