My first lost relationship since WLS.......

Is my mom. I never ever thought it would be her, she was the most supportive of all. However, it was my decision to end the relationship. I have been harboring resentment and anger towards my mom for many years, and tried to hide it through eating. I have noticed since surgery my hostility towards her kept getting worse and worse, until finally she pushed the wrong button the other day and I exploded. I don't know how to feel about this. My little sister and I suffered years of abuse and neglect at the fault of my mother and her lack of parenting skills, then she moves thousands of miles away when girls need their mother's the most, just to come back when we really don't need her anymore, trying to get back into our lives and the lives of our children as if nothing ever happened. I have been to counseling over this before and thought of bringing her, but any time we evre had a confrontation, she always told me I was being irrational, or my feelings were not valid, so I knew as long as she could not accept how I feel then we would not get far with counseling. I didnt ever want it to get to this point, but it was impossible to hide my feelings any longer without having food to turn to. I am feeling a sense of relief that I finally got all of my feelings out in the open, but a lot of shame as well for the way I went about it. I said some very mean and hurtful things that I can never take back, but it has been building for so long. Right now, i don't feel bad that I have lost this relationship, because it was never that solid to begin with, and I doubt it ever could be unless she accepted the things she did to us, and showed sincere apology, she just isn't the type to do that. I strongly suspected I would lose someone after this surgery, but I thought for sure it would be my husband before anyone else! He has been great and although we still have our days, our relationship has gotten stronger in these past few months. My mom has tried to make up for what she didnt do, and I guess maybe I am being stubborn, but the little that she hsa done for us could never come close to what our father has done, and until she is sorry, nothing can make up for it. I am so sorry to have vented to you all with this long personal story, but I just needed to get it out there. I am so confused about the way i feel right now, I am surprisingly ok with this and I feel guilty that I am not crying my eyes out and devaststed that we may never speak to each other again. Maybe I am still to angry to be sad. I don't know. Karyn

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Karyn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} First feel free to vent away. That's why we're here isn't it? Second, anyone who tells you that your feelings aren't valid hasn't a clue and doesn't desearve another thought. Your feelings are always vaild!!!!! You are right to walk away right now, even if she is your mom. You need to take care of you and she doesn't souned like someone whowouold, be a positive infulence in your life. I know what a major step this is for you. You may want to consider going back and seeing a therepist for awhile to work through this latest disapointment. In the meantime, be reassured that we are here for you sweetie. Regards and hugs, Ronna

Karyn my love, I am so sorry this had to happen. But I'm sure it will all be better in the end. I agree with Ronna, maybe consult your therapist to just go over everything, ya know? And no worries, chicky, Vent Away!

This is a place for support and we are a family. We need support for all aspects of our lives not just WLS. So any time you need to vent or explode or cry or whatever, feel free, we are there for you. The last thing you need is an unhealthy relationship and the one with your mother sure sounded unhealthy. Being a mother doesn't entitle a person to the love and respect of their children. Even mothers have to earn that. It sounds to me like you did what you needed to do for your well being. Don't feel guilty. She needs to be accountable. Hazel

Karyn, I am so sorry that this has happened. I can relate to some of the feelings that you are having. I hope that things will calm down and maybe that you can have a relationship with your mother again in the future. Maybe it will not be a close one, but one where you can keep up with each other. I don't talk to my mother as much as I should. She is caught up in my brother's life so much I actually think that she has forgotten that my sister and I exist. I know that when the day comes that I don't have my Mom anymore that I will regret the distance that stands between us. Sometimes people do not know any better. That is the best way that I can put it. I don't think that my mother ever knew what role she was to play. For instance, when I got married she showed up. She wasn't the least bit interested in shopping for the gown, doing the planning or anything. We have to make the difference and try to change for our own children. Unfortunately so many people learn from the people who raised them. When my parents divorced, I went to live with my Daddy. I think that it was the best decision for me. I never went through therapy to help me get over what I feel with my mother. I just try to forgive her and try to understand that she just doesn't know any better. I really hope that this situation does get better for you soon. Take some time and breathe. Beth

Karyn please feel free to vent away! I agree with the others and may you seek counseling to help you deal with this latest round of feelings. Please know that we are here for you and always will be! Let us know how you are doing and if there is anything we can do to help! Take care! Sue

Karyn: I am SO sorry for this situation. You and your mother have my prayers. Alejandro from Guadalajara Mexico

Karyn, ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*HUG*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I am glad you are venting to us, this is something you should not hould in! I am sorry for all that you have had to go through, but it seems like you have came out a stronger person! Please know that I care what happens to you and you are loved here! Melissa

Gosh Karyn~ Thanks for making me feel selfish for having a pity party about me!! JK I'm sorry you had to go through some of the things you did growing up and in your adult life. When it comes to blood relatives some believe there is an unconditional love that can never be lost. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. When someone hurts you too bad and too often your heart will turn cold towards them. I know that you find no pleasure in the fact that you had it out with your mother but I'm sure it feels like a weight has been lifted because she knows how you feel. If she can't swallow her pride and face the reality of what she did to you emotionally, then it is her loss, not yours. Ultimately, I hope you post very soon that you two patched things up. But, if that never happens, don't regret what you did....it obviously needed to happen. Dawn

Karyn, No one can tell you that your feelings are not valid. They are yours, they belong to you, no one else. Therefore, no one can know if they are valid. Also, not feeling guilty is normal when you are mad/angry with another person. Let me share a little bit with you. My mom was a good mother until I was about 13 or so. Then she went crazy with all kinds of bad stuff. Our relationship was very strained over the years. When I was 24 we had a big blow out and quit communicating. She committed suicied 6 months later. I never had a chance to go back. I know that she loved me and I know she knew that I loved her. I am not saying that your mom is jutified and that she did not do horrible things and that the crap she is doing now is OK. What I am saying is sometimes you do not get a chance to make up. This is not meant to be a guilt trip or meant to force you into anything. Just a bit of my life experience. God Bless! Jen