Myspace

Its 1:35 am and I'm sitting at the same desk I've been sitting at since 9pm last night! I'm getting ready for the rabbit show- had to fix my pedigree book, name the bunnies and now fixing a binder that holds my entry info, maps, hotel info, etc. While I'm doing this, I'm surfing MySpace... yes that addicting little piece of the web.... and you know what I find? I found my past. I'm really glad I'm taking a Psych class right now, cuz I know exactly what is triggering the feelings I'm feeling right now. Its called Mood Congruent something or State Dependent Recall... I dunno something to do with your mood/feelings you do something or see someone. Well I just landed on a hotspot for Class of 2002-2004 Livingston high grads and all of the feelings of pain, sadness, betrayal, isolation, depression, and dare I say suicide came flooding back! Luckily for me the last one was for a breif period of time and I am no longer at that stage, but I definately remember feeling that low. I thought I got past that. If you don't mind, I'd like to share a portion of my story.... maybe that'll give you some insight into my crazy brain I have always been the fat child... the tallest one in class, the one with the worse choice of hair (I had a buzz cut like in 5th grade), the one with bad clothes. My parents let me dress myself Even though I was all of those things, I still laughed and stuff, so had friends- or so I thought. I ythought I had great friends through my Freshman year of High School. I had a best Girl Friend in grade school... we drifted apart- she with boys and rock and roll me with the music/geek scene lol. So my new BFF was a guy- Luis. Luis and I were stuck together with glue..... everything rocked. Through me, he was able to experience things he would never have been able to (I know that's mean to say, but its how the economics of my town worked and probably still do work now). My mom took us to band camp, to orchestra practice... everything. In second grade the growth plate in my hips slipped off the phemur and I was in a wheel chair for that year- he'd push me around Junior High, we're still stuck.... we drive the band teacher crazy he with his back talking me with my perfection We joined the HIGH SCHOOL district wide orchestra in eigth grade- unheard of for wind players. me on tuba, Luis on Bass Clarinet. Freshman year... all is well. Luis starts acting all cool and macho in English (we were in adv english in 8th grade, how dare we be in regular freshman english!?) Teacher seperated us and the glue stretched a bit. Over the summer, Luis determines he's gay. I have NO problem whatsoever with that or anything else. Our end of sophomore year/beginning of Junior Luis gets a boyfriend, another "friend" comes out- they're happy. All of a sudden, poof! The glue is severed. No more Luis, the wool has been ripped from my eyes. There was no one there to begin with... all I was was a ride to places we had to go. By my jr year, I was driving about 6 of us to orchestra practice and performance..... I was the car pool mom since I drove a Big ol passenger van- think farm labor van. My junior year was a real eye opener for me. I didn't have any close friends, the era of no crushes started, and the depression came in. I think I gained like 50 pounds that year alone! But you know what... the weird thing is, I dind't tell anyone.... I still don't know why I'm telling you this... but something is nagging at me as I blink away tears to write...I don't know why. I was still super active in orchestra- this time going with everyone still, but only being the "friend" on Tuesdays when they needed the ride. I was still active in FFA with my showing and always smiling. Senior year was a bit better, I no longer wanted to not exist everyday, but still felt awful. Absolutely had no friends- but still did the drama plays... still did band and FFA. Still plastered that smile on so I could an office in the sectional FFa and go on to run for State FFA Officer... I developed friends through my activies... but never at school. I felt alone in school.... I seemed to only do well outside of it.... I dunno. So as I'm scrolling through old classmate's pics I don't see a change in them at all. They still take crazy childish photos, say immature things, but have a bond I am so jealous of. Currently, I don't have any REAL friends... at least ones I can call up on a whim and they'd do anything to come on over. Those of you reading this, I hope, are my friends, but then again you live thousands of miles away and we only chat virtually and mostly through this great site. I talk to Amber (alot lately, I think these feelings have been uprooted because of our convos)..... maybe these feelings are coming back up due to the loss, and the new found admiration for the opposite sex Like I said, I haven't had any kind of twang for guys since jr year! ITs crazy... now, its like I'm twitterpated all the time, but then again remember high school and second guess myself. I'm now at Modesto JC... a junior college that so far feels a bit more mature. The people in my class do their homework, are prepared for exams and look like they actually live real lives. I hope to gain something rom that class.... at least more uderstanding of my psychy, cuz right now, aye chiahuahua... its spinning. My mom recently told me... go out more. See the people from high school. I told her I didn't want to see them. I told her I wanted them to be shocked at the way I look, the confidence I exude... but I think I'm afraid of what they'll say. Is that even possible? Sometimes I wish I could move somewhere totally away so I don't have any kind of reputation. So they don't know me as Rabbit Queen, or the Tuba Girl, or the fat girl from band, or whatever. I'd love to start over. But then again, the mature part, the older part of me tells me to stay, to use the reputation- the good portions to further my career. Yes, you play the tuba, some may know you were in the National FFA Band as first chair, take it and seize the rep and expand on it. Prove why you were first chair and not 4th or cut out of the band all together!!! I can tell myself to do something over and over again, but I just can't get to it physically. Ugh, this post was kinda draining. Sorry if I got you in a downer mood, but I just have to get SOME kind of feedback.... or else I dunno lol.... I'm thinking of calling my surgeon for a psych referral.... someone to talk to instead of venting and bringing you guys down with me. That's not cool...... Anywhoo, maybe I'll go to bed now, talk to you when the sun's up... Jaci

But in my haste to relate my story... I forgot to mention the up side to Myspace. The part where I get to see those of you on it everyday.... having a "top 8" playing with my own personal spot on the web that I care about. The spot where along with here, I debut my new photos. Yes, those comments on there for the latest photos... they're old class mates.... but I still have a horrible feeling. why are they being so nice and generous with the compliments NOW? ok, night

Jaci, I am glad you vented, you needed to get that off your chest. I so wish we were not miles away right now so I could give you a great big hug. Most if not all of us can relate to your story. I have my 10 year HS reunion coming up this fall. Part of me wants to go, because I know people would be shocked to see what i look like now, but another part of me says what the hell do I care? I wasn't friends with them then and I certainly don't want their friendship now. High school sucks, you are either in or out, and it is not a time I care to reflect on too often. Now this is only my $.02 but you really should get that referral, most of us that do get professional help would all agree that it is well worth it! It is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed, or that even anyone needs to know, but it truly does help with all those past memories of hurt and abuse. In the meantime, cal me anytime, or email whatever but as long as you know I am here to listen! Karyn

Ah, yes you were the one ringing my phone early this am My 10 year is a ways away, hopefully, byt then I'll have an awesome job, huge credentials, and some hot musician boyfriend/hubby!

Hey Jaci - I assume we're close in age...i'm 24. I went to an all girl's high school...except for jr high..it was guys and girls. Didn't have a boyfriend until after i graduated. In the 7th grade while walking to class the 8th grade boys would shout Emmit to me (As in Emmit Smith one of the big football players from back in the day). I too have been fat my entire life, and though i went through the depression and suicide phase too...luckily for me...just like you...i saw the light. And you and I are finally in a place to dance and sing and have a wonderful time and and be accepted and happy and know we're loved. I wasn't even thinking about going on the Las Vegas trip, but maybe i should just to meet you. Wether your friends are next door or across the country...your friends are friends. I've gotten a few peices of mail from my former classmates...offering get togethers and such...i dont think you could pay me enough to go. They didnt love me then...they don't get to love me now. Anyway...im rambling...just know you're wonderful and beautiful and have many special things in your future. Aileen

Hi Aileen. I'm 22, but sometimes feel so much older... I don't know why. Aw, you coming Vegas just to meet me is so sweet.... but you should come to Vegas to party..... I know I am. IF I get invited toanything, I'm going to have to really think it over. Part of me wants to stay home and sulk, part of me wants to get a hot man trophy for the arm and rub everyone's face in it- kind of like on Maury Povich.

Jaci, you are so sweet and inspirational.. Opening yourself for all of us to see and get to know the real you better. We all are miles apart, but like I was telling my DH today I feel like I know you all.. I feel like I've made friends on OH that I'd love to meet in person and keep a "real" friendship going. That discussion started because my DH is thinking about not going with me to Vegas..and I told him he needed to hurry up and make up his mind.. because I had told Wendi if he didn't go that we could room together. WELL he was like ..Why would you room with someone you don't even know???? I said.. I feel like I know her..she's a friend. He doesn't get it..but then he's a guy..LOL Anyway..sorry I got off track. I think what you went through in high School alot of us went through..either with weight or just not feeling like part of a group. I got teary eyed reading your post because it took me back.."way back" on my high school days..lol but still kids were mean then too.. I wasn't over weight then..but I had other issues I had to deal with. I think anyone who has you as a friend is a very blessed individual!!! Anna D

Its weird, but from day one, I felt like I knew everyone. It was weird. It was exactly like that for the FFA Band! We were only together for a week, but it was the best week of my life. We bonded over FFa and thus perfoming the music better. But that's performance lol. I have seen that alot of people went through what I went through, but for some reason, I feel guilty about my complaining. Look at all that I accomplished despite the awful stuff in school? Ugh, craziness. Thanks alot Anna.

I'm so glad you vented. I hope it felt good to unload it all. Mean People Suck! and I know that we all have encountered plenty of them...in high school and everywhere else. We are all here for you and anyone else on this board...thank goodness...we all need one another...but don't be afraid to see a therapist. I see one every week...she helps me through a ton...no pun intended! They can be hard discussions, but it is worth every tear and every dollar. Be strong. You are a wonderful woman with so much to offer! Jen

You know what, it did feel good to type it all out..... I've had that inside for quite some time. My parents know about the fall out and how I got depressed, but I honestly don't think they know how FAR I got depressed and down ya know? I am seriously going to look into it. I know the college offers mental health services, might be a*****eaper Thanks alot Jen!