Insecurities-Me, Him, and the Wicked Witch
Oh My.... I have to get this all out so bear with me ok?
I know I haven't been around much and when you read this, you'll get an idea of what I have been dealing with over the last month.... 
It all began the day I found out that I didn't get the supervisor position on my call center. I have been at my job for over 4 years and I know my job quite well. I didn't get the job and honestly I am very bitter about it and with all the preparation I put into the interview and how well I did, I got edged out. I was mad and hurt and just the day went downhill from there. That night, my "friend" Heather (basically a girl that found her way into my circle of friends from work) and I were text messaging back and forth. We were on the subject of guys and she asked me about how I feel about my 2 best guy friends, Presto and Jason. As I explained, Presto is a great guy and totally datable, but it wouldn't happen. First, I don't have a chance in hell with him and 2nd, it just wouldn't work. He's like my little brother. He just turned 22 and I just turned 29. He just moved out on his own with some friends and is partying it up. I have gone through all that and really don't want to go through that again. Then when she mentioned Jason, it all came out. Jason is my best guy friend. We have been close for over 2 yrs and we also work together in different departments. Heather knows we are close and she sits right next to him. Well, basically I told her that if he weren't engaged and things were different, it would be game on. I have had a crush on him for over a year and have kept it all inside. This is how I described Jason in my MySpace blog about Moments that Changed My Life: That person that told me that if I became a self-centered b*tch after I lost weight, they would slap me, if I started seeing guys after I lost weight that would not give me the time of day when I was fat, they would slap me and then punch them because this person was looking out for me and going to protect me, and then telling me that they knew I would find whatever I was looking for in life because they have faith in me. To this person, and they know exactly who they are, I thank you for having faith in me and caring about me enough to be my protector and my friend. That conversation is one that I will always remember and you know the rest... Thank You. Yes, that was the conversation that made me see him in a completely different light and it happened as I was crying when driving home. I was upset because that day was my original surgery date that got denied. We ended the text message conversation with me saying if I could take Presto and Jason and mix them together, that would make the perfect guy for me. Little did I know, but everything was about to hit the fan....
I went away that weekend to Ocean City MD with my sister, my friend, and my friend's sister. I went away to clear my head from drama. When I came back to work on Tuesday, everything was normal and such. The next day I was outside on my break talking to Presto and he asked about my "hybrid" of him and Jason saying that would be a messed up sight. I was floored. Then he asked about what I said about me and him and dating, and I knew something was up. When he said to me "So you have a thing for Jason, huh?", it was all over. EVERY MESSAGE THAT I SENT HER WAS READ OUT LOUD TO BOTH OF THE GUYS. I could not hide it and 'fessed up to him. I told Presto everything. The next day Jason was fuming about rumors of him and Heather at work. Everyone thinks they are messing around and whatnot. He sent a nasty text message out to the group and told us in that message he broke up with his fiancee a few weeks ago. He called me on the phone later that night and we were talking about the rumor mill and why everyone thinks that. They are always together, etc. etc. He said how he is sick of people talking about him behind his back. I took that as my chance to tell him I knew about the text message joke that was played on me and that I knew he knew what I said. he told me he had no clue what I was talking about because he wasn't there when she read it all to Presto, he was out getting the pizza. So I told him everything and afterwards, he told me that he appreciated me putting it out there and that at this point he needed to rebound and that wasn't going to be me. It ended well with us pledging that nothing between us was going to change. I believed him. The next day I told her I knew what she did and I didn't appreciate it and left it at that so that the drama would stop. The next few weeks everything was good and we spent lots of time together. Well, let me clarify, Jason, Heather and I spent time together. She was blatantly trying to be all over him (although nothing happened while I was there) and she only did this while I was around. She was digging at me and trying to get under my skin. It bothered the 
out of me. But being the adult of the group, I let it go. They continued chatting constantly. The thing that you have to know is that basically I knew she was trying to get me out of the way. I was her competition and she knew that very well. Plus, she has issues with her weight and trust me I am the last person to talk about big girls being one myself, but she has such an ugly conniving heart and a worse personality. Plus, she has "Damsel in Distress" down to a T. She's a DRAMA queen. She thrives on it. Everyone knows that. One of my other friends went to talk to Jason on her break about some personal stuff and Heather basically interrupted the entire time and then wrote my first name and Jason's last name on a piece of paper, waved it in front of him, and said "I wonder how many times a day she writes this?!?" and laughed. My friend just left and told me about it later. I was furious but decided to let it go and be adult. We all went out in a big group on Saturday night and was having fun. Well, Heather ended up telling my friend Arianne that her and her boyfriend broke up and they are still living together as "roommates" since she has nowhere else to go. Then my friend Presto told me as I was driving him home and spilling my heart out to him, that indeed Jason did hear all of the text messages because he was standing in the kitchen next to Presto when Heather read them. Jason LIED to me. That did it. I started piecing everything together and I figure that they broke up about a month ago when all this drama started happening in the group and especially between me and Jason and her. So today I stop down on my lunch to see him and my other friend who was also standing at his desk and since she got her seat moved (after a lot of fighting on her side with her supervisor. She refused to move away from Jason), she couldn't control the situation. My other friend pointed out to me later that Heather was GLARING at me the entire time too. I grabbed a contest thing we have at work off his desk and filled out the answers and left. Well apparently, she got all mad thinking I was writing a note (what are we, 12?) and started shooting her mouth off about me. I came downstairs to see my friend when I was off work, and after she and Jason left, and she told me that Heather came up to her and said "does Amber hate me?" and my friend said that I never said that. Then she asked if my friend hated her and she said the same thing. Then she told me how Heather was mouthing off about me writing Jason notes (again, are we 12?) and I went and grabbed the paper I wrote the answers on off Jason's desk, took it over and showed everyone. I asked them all if this looked like a note and they said no. The one guy asked if I had a thing for Jason too, like Heather, and I matter-of-factly said no, that I was the friend that's been there for over 2 years. He smiled and told me I shouldn't start stuff and I told him that I wasn't starting it, I was ending it. I took that piece of paper, put a post-it on it, and wrote on the post it "this is what I wrote for Jason, NOT A NOTE!" and signed it. I put it on her desk so that it's the VERY first thing she will see tomorrow morning when she comes into work. I AM DONE.
Here's where the insecurities come in. She knows my buttons and she has slammed every freaking one of them. She knows that I am not comfortable in my skin yet. She knows that I still have self-esteem issues that I am trying to work on. She knows that his friendship means more to me than some chance at romance that may or may not work. She knows that I have issues with guys and telling them how I feel. She nailed me. She caught me on a day when everything was going wrong and I told her everything. MY MISTAKE. But she used my confession against me and turned me into a little puppet. I became her and Jason's inside joke and by not sticking up for myself and being the adult, she has no fear of me whatsoever. I let her win in the respect that she has been controlling my self-esteem and my insecurities for the past month. How did I let that happen?!? I have a lot of work to do on me and my mindframe, as well as my body. Me and my friends are calling this "EXTREME MAKEOVER AMBER EDITION". I will get the last laugh someday. I know that. But here I am with the best guy friend I had who claimed to protect me ending up being the one that lied to me, disrespected me, and let the wicked witch continue to laugh at and about me behind my back. I am at the point now where I hope everything does blow up because I need to stick up for myself. They have NEVER seen the rage I can unleash and it has been bottled up for so long, I am about to explode. I know she's jealous of me and wanted me out of the way. You know what? I think I am going to let that happen. I CANNOT continue to do this every day and be so freaking miserable and upset to the point I am ripping through my apartment looking for my Zoloft. This actually happened one night and it was the first time in 5 months I took it. I was that bad. Since Monday, I have dressed pretty freaking cute and I know I looked good. I will have him to the point he regrets hurting me. If and when he comes back and realizes what he did (and he will one way or another), I will really have it out with him. I can't have people lie to me and talk about me and make fun of me behind my back. I dealt with that BS for 29 years of my life and I will be damned if I am going to let some WITCH do it to me and watch him let her do it without stickign up for me at all. Right now, apparently my friendship means nothing to him. My friends say he's depressed and this is a phase he needs to go through. And that's fine. I really do understand and I have SOOOOOOO been there. But why do I have to get hurt? Why do I have to lose my best friend? When did I become the bad guy and when did she become more important than me? If they are messing around, and at this point, I believe they are, I think that will be the point of no return. I don't think I could respect him at all after that. Oh well. Life goes on right? We'll see about that. My life is going to go on without Heather for sure. She's gone and dead to me at this point. I could care less about her and such. As for Jason, my life will go on without him, but there is a huge gap. He told me he had faith in me and I always did in him. I would not be where I am and who I am without him. I know that. But as for the here and now, he's gotta go. I can't do this anymore and continue to be a doormat. I am tired of being a puppet and letting them pull the strings. The scissors are out and the strings have been cut. If he does snap out of this and wants to resume our friendship, or possibly get a chance with me, he's going to have to work extremely hard to regain my trust and respect. And honestly, I don't know if he can. I am truly that hurt and upset.
Thanks for reading this crazy long post, but I had to get it out and maybe it being out there will help. Jaci suggested I do this as therapy and maybe it will help and maybe not. But here it all is on the table. My heart is forever pinned on my sleeve and right now, there's just shreds of my heart left. I feel so hurt and betrayed it's sickening.
Here's to brighter days.....
~amber~ 
It all began the day I found out that I didn't get the supervisor position on my call center. I have been at my job for over 4 years and I know my job quite well. I didn't get the job and honestly I am very bitter about it and with all the preparation I put into the interview and how well I did, I got edged out. I was mad and hurt and just the day went downhill from there. That night, my "friend" Heather (basically a girl that found her way into my circle of friends from work) and I were text messaging back and forth. We were on the subject of guys and she asked me about how I feel about my 2 best guy friends, Presto and Jason. As I explained, Presto is a great guy and totally datable, but it wouldn't happen. First, I don't have a chance in hell with him and 2nd, it just wouldn't work. He's like my little brother. He just turned 22 and I just turned 29. He just moved out on his own with some friends and is partying it up. I have gone through all that and really don't want to go through that again. Then when she mentioned Jason, it all came out. Jason is my best guy friend. We have been close for over 2 yrs and we also work together in different departments. Heather knows we are close and she sits right next to him. Well, basically I told her that if he weren't engaged and things were different, it would be game on. I have had a crush on him for over a year and have kept it all inside. This is how I described Jason in my MySpace blog about Moments that Changed My Life: That person that told me that if I became a self-centered b*tch after I lost weight, they would slap me, if I started seeing guys after I lost weight that would not give me the time of day when I was fat, they would slap me and then punch them because this person was looking out for me and going to protect me, and then telling me that they knew I would find whatever I was looking for in life because they have faith in me. To this person, and they know exactly who they are, I thank you for having faith in me and caring about me enough to be my protector and my friend. That conversation is one that I will always remember and you know the rest... Thank You. Yes, that was the conversation that made me see him in a completely different light and it happened as I was crying when driving home. I was upset because that day was my original surgery date that got denied. We ended the text message conversation with me saying if I could take Presto and Jason and mix them together, that would make the perfect guy for me. Little did I know, but everything was about to hit the fan....
I went away that weekend to Ocean City MD with my sister, my friend, and my friend's sister. I went away to clear my head from drama. When I came back to work on Tuesday, everything was normal and such. The next day I was outside on my break talking to Presto and he asked about my "hybrid" of him and Jason saying that would be a messed up sight. I was floored. Then he asked about what I said about me and him and dating, and I knew something was up. When he said to me "So you have a thing for Jason, huh?", it was all over. EVERY MESSAGE THAT I SENT HER WAS READ OUT LOUD TO BOTH OF THE GUYS. I could not hide it and 'fessed up to him. I told Presto everything. The next day Jason was fuming about rumors of him and Heather at work. Everyone thinks they are messing around and whatnot. He sent a nasty text message out to the group and told us in that message he broke up with his fiancee a few weeks ago. He called me on the phone later that night and we were talking about the rumor mill and why everyone thinks that. They are always together, etc. etc. He said how he is sick of people talking about him behind his back. I took that as my chance to tell him I knew about the text message joke that was played on me and that I knew he knew what I said. he told me he had no clue what I was talking about because he wasn't there when she read it all to Presto, he was out getting the pizza. So I told him everything and afterwards, he told me that he appreciated me putting it out there and that at this point he needed to rebound and that wasn't going to be me. It ended well with us pledging that nothing between us was going to change. I believed him. The next day I told her I knew what she did and I didn't appreciate it and left it at that so that the drama would stop. The next few weeks everything was good and we spent lots of time together. Well, let me clarify, Jason, Heather and I spent time together. She was blatantly trying to be all over him (although nothing happened while I was there) and she only did this while I was around. She was digging at me and trying to get under my skin. It bothered the out of me. But being the adult of the group, I let it go. They continued chatting constantly. The thing that you have to know is that basically I knew she was trying to get me out of the way. I was her competition and she knew that very well. Plus, she has issues with her weight and trust me I am the last person to talk about big girls being one myself, but she has such an ugly conniving heart and a worse personality. Plus, she has "Damsel in Distress" down to a T. She's a DRAMA queen. She thrives on it. Everyone knows that. One of my other friends went to talk to Jason on her break about some personal stuff and Heather basically interrupted the entire time and then wrote my first name and Jason's last name on a piece of paper, waved it in front of him, and said "I wonder how many times a day she writes this?!?" and laughed. My friend just left and told me about it later. I was furious but decided to let it go and be adult. We all went out in a big group on Saturday night and was having fun. Well, Heather ended up telling my friend Arianne that her and her boyfriend broke up and they are still living together as "roommates" since she has nowhere else to go. Then my friend Presto told me as I was driving him home and spilling my heart out to him, that indeed Jason did hear all of the text messages because he was standing in the kitchen next to Presto when Heather read them. Jason LIED to me. That did it. I started piecing everything together and I figure that they broke up about a month ago when all this drama started happening in the group and especially between me and Jason and her. So today I stop down on my lunch to see him and my other friend who was also standing at his desk and since she got her seat moved (after a lot of fighting on her side with her supervisor. She refused to move away from Jason), she couldn't control the situation. My other friend pointed out to me later that Heather was GLARING at me the entire time too. I grabbed a contest thing we have at work off his desk and filled out the answers and left. Well apparently, she got all mad thinking I was writing a note (what are we, 12?) and started shooting her mouth off about me. I came downstairs to see my friend when I was off work, and after she and Jason left, and she told me that Heather came up to her and said "does Amber hate me?" and my friend said that I never said that. Then she asked if my friend hated her and she said the same thing. Then she told me how Heather was mouthing off about me writing Jason notes (again, are we 12?) and I went and grabbed the paper I wrote the answers on off Jason's desk, took it over and showed everyone. I asked them all if this looked like a note and they said no. The one guy asked if I had a thing for Jason too, like Heather, and I matter-of-factly said no, that I was the friend that's been there for over 2 years. He smiled and told me I shouldn't start stuff and I told him that I wasn't starting it, I was ending it. I took that piece of paper, put a post-it on it, and wrote on the post it "this is what I wrote for Jason, NOT A NOTE!" and signed it. I put it on her desk so that it's the VERY first thing she will see tomorrow morning when she comes into work. I AM DONE.
Here's where the insecurities come in. She knows my buttons and she has slammed every freaking one of them. She knows that I am not comfortable in my skin yet. She knows that I still have self-esteem issues that I am trying to work on. She knows that his friendship means more to me than some chance at romance that may or may not work. She knows that I have issues with guys and telling them how I feel. She nailed me. She caught me on a day when everything was going wrong and I told her everything. MY MISTAKE. But she used my confession against me and turned me into a little puppet. I became her and Jason's inside joke and by not sticking up for myself and being the adult, she has no fear of me whatsoever. I let her win in the respect that she has been controlling my self-esteem and my insecurities for the past month. How did I let that happen?!? I have a lot of work to do on me and my mindframe, as well as my body. Me and my friends are calling this "EXTREME MAKEOVER AMBER EDITION". I will get the last laugh someday. I know that. But here I am with the best guy friend I had who claimed to protect me ending up being the one that lied to me, disrespected me, and let the wicked witch continue to laugh at and about me behind my back. I am at the point now where I hope everything does blow up because I need to stick up for myself. They have NEVER seen the rage I can unleash and it has been bottled up for so long, I am about to explode. I know she's jealous of me and wanted me out of the way. You know what? I think I am going to let that happen. I CANNOT continue to do this every day and be so freaking miserable and upset to the point I am ripping through my apartment looking for my Zoloft. This actually happened one night and it was the first time in 5 months I took it. I was that bad. Since Monday, I have dressed pretty freaking cute and I know I looked good. I will have him to the point he regrets hurting me. If and when he comes back and realizes what he did (and he will one way or another), I will really have it out with him. I can't have people lie to me and talk about me and make fun of me behind my back. I dealt with that BS for 29 years of my life and I will be damned if I am going to let some WITCH do it to me and watch him let her do it without stickign up for me at all. Right now, apparently my friendship means nothing to him. My friends say he's depressed and this is a phase he needs to go through. And that's fine. I really do understand and I have SOOOOOOO been there. But why do I have to get hurt? Why do I have to lose my best friend? When did I become the bad guy and when did she become more important than me? If they are messing around, and at this point, I believe they are, I think that will be the point of no return. I don't think I could respect him at all after that. Oh well. Life goes on right? We'll see about that. My life is going to go on without Heather for sure. She's gone and dead to me at this point. I could care less about her and such. As for Jason, my life will go on without him, but there is a huge gap. He told me he had faith in me and I always did in him. I would not be where I am and who I am without him. I know that. But as for the here and now, he's gotta go. I can't do this anymore and continue to be a doormat. I am tired of being a puppet and letting them pull the strings. The scissors are out and the strings have been cut. If he does snap out of this and wants to resume our friendship, or possibly get a chance with me, he's going to have to work extremely hard to regain my trust and respect. And honestly, I don't know if he can. I am truly that hurt and upset.
Thanks for reading this crazy long post, but I had to get it out and maybe it being out there will help. Jaci suggested I do this as therapy and maybe it will help and maybe not. But here it all is on the table. My heart is forever pinned on my sleeve and right now, there's just shreds of my heart left. I feel so hurt and betrayed it's sickening.
Here's to brighter days.....
~amber~ 
My dear sweet, wonderful Amberlina. Boy you have gone through alot... alot of which I didn't know anything about before tonight and I am so sorry you had to go through it all alone. I hope this did help you a bit. I know my big sob story of a post the other night helped me a bit- to see it in print in front of me like a book. It will get better, we have to keep tell ourselves 
I love you, man. And believe me, you were smokin in the green shirt/jean skirt outfit you sent me... so it won't be long 
We discussed alot tonight so I'm not gonna take up bandwidth repeating it all, but I just want to let you know I am here in Cali waiting for your call any time you wanna chit chat. ANd that invitation in July is still here! Free Room and Board!
Love you!
*~*Jax*~*
I love you, man. And believe me, you were smokin in the green shirt/jean skirt outfit you sent me... so it won't be long We discussed alot tonight so I'm not gonna take up bandwidth repeating it all, but I just want to let you know I am here in Cali waiting for your call any time you wanna chit chat. ANd that invitation in July is still here! Free Room and Board!
Love you!
*~*Jax*~* 
Amber, all I can say is WOW!!! You are a much stronger person than I would ever be, keeping your cool as long as you have. They way your "friends" have treated you is just horrible. I hope you do start sticking up for your self, because what they are doing is just simply wrong and you don't deserve it! You have many other friends that love you and would never hurt you like this, it will be hard but I would say to walk away from these backstabbers. This tends to happen with WLS because people get jealous that you have made a decision to better your life and take control, and that just plain sucks. I hope things work out for the best for YOU, whatever that may be. In the meantime, vent away anytime, thats what we are here for!!{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Karyn
Karyn 
Let me at her....Just let me at her......what's her address??? Come on, give it up. 
...Amber you are a sweet person and evil women like that can spot that a mile away....Unfortunately, she is poking at you only to make herself feel better, its like our food addiction....Feel better for the moment, but she is a miserable person....DO NOT LET HER make you do something out of character...you are the better woman...I know it is hard to do, but put your head up, know you did nothing to deserve it and move on... I know....invite her to Vegas in January and then let us all take turns teaching her about life.....heheheheheh
...Amber you are a sweet person and evil women like that can spot that a mile away....Unfortunately, she is poking at you only to make herself feel better, its like our food addiction....Feel better for the moment, but she is a miserable person....DO NOT LET HER make you do something out of character...you are the better woman...I know it is hard to do, but put your head up, know you did nothing to deserve it and move on... I know....invite her to Vegas in January and then let us all take turns teaching her about life.....heheheheheh 
Amber,
This whole situation is toxic to YOUR wellbeing. I don't give a rats a## about Heather (a back stabber and not a friend) , Presto ( not sure how he fits into the whole mess) or Jason (friend? one lie to many for me). None of them sound worthy of any level of friendship.
Focus in on you and your journey and walk away from this group. You did not get the promotion. Maybe it is time to shop around and get the position you deserve some where else.
We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.
Teresa
Teresa Most Active
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