update and question

Remember the "blow out" I was told it was bound to happen. Scary thought huh? I was constipated for months after surgery and something just clicked in my body and massive diarrhea was the result. Needless to say I am constipated again...and fearful of a repeat. I am weary of this whole process. I am ready for TT and boob job and be normal. I did get whistles saturday at the movies. It feels nice to be noticed. Now if my husband would just loosen up. My 6 month ck up isn't til Aug 3rd. I hear he's not happy with me. 95 lbs pre-op and 80 lbs since Jan 23rd. Oh well it is off and it will stay off. 130 will be my maintain weight. I still want to hit 120 just to lose 100 lbs. I had a flirtatious affair last week, it boosted my self esteem so much I can barely believe it. My husband did say it makes him mad that guys look more and his male friends say how nice I look. Wonder how long it will take to jolt him. Some people from my local support group just keep telling me that 50% of marriges don't survive this process. I am working very hard to assure my husband I am going no where but it is hard when he shuts me out and makes remarks like "fat women make better lovers" I was miserable making love. tired and in pain and could not enjoy myself. now I can't even get the chace cause he is so distant. Life still sucks. Anyone else having marital problems? Deborah

Deborah, Unfortunately if you're looking for re-assurance I'm not the one to talk to. My fiancee (and boyfriend of nearly 5 years) and I just broke up for good a little under a month ago. He's been jealous as can be, and has now taken up with a girl even bigger then I was before surgery. My heart is broken, but I know the surgery changed me...mentally as well as physically, and for whatever reasons, he couldn't handle it. Good luck to you and yours. Aileen 323/225/150ish

Deborah, I was terrified of losing my husband over this surgery, and although things are OK, I still worry a little. I asked him the other night why everyone in the world is complimenting me on my weight loss but him, and his reply was "because you are wasting money on stupid ****" WTF that meant is beyond me??? I am craving attention from men and my concern is if he doesnt start showing it, i will be the one leaving. It is a very difficult situation, for us and the hubbys, we are all getting used to some dramatic life changes and it can be pretty scary. If you want to work things out in my opinion, counseling is a must for both of you, but if you are at the point that you just don't care, let him go... Karyn

I am so sorry that things are not going well on the marriage front. My husband and I are older (he is 71 and I am 55) so things are not quite that severe. But I do notice that I have to reasure him more frequently and tell him I love him more often. I really don't have a lot of advice for you, but just hang in there. e-mail me anytime if you need to vent or talk. I will be praying for you and your situation. Good going on the weight loss. Hazel

Hello Deborah and congrats on the weight loss. As for the marriage problems, I can relate. To be blunt..........mine is sheer torture now. My husband has become a very jealous person and hates for me to even leave the house now. Hes always telling me Im going to leave him and taking little stabs at my self-esteem. It has been going on for a couple months now and this weekend it finally blew up. He informed me that he wishes I would have never had WLS that way I would be souly dependant upon him and get NO attention from other men. WTF???? I did come to a conclusion and informed him of it. That if he doesnt control his emotions and be better to me that I will not think twice about leaving. I had this surgery to be healthy and take control of my life. Not let it be controlled by a man. Even though I love him more then anything, I must admit the attention from others is great. But I have no plans on leaving him and exploring this any further. Unless he pushes me to leave. Oh well, what can ya do?! Good luck hon............ kristi

This is just my thought so I hope I do not offend anyone. Marriage is always a work in progress. It takes everyday for you and him to make it work. If you are saying "if he doesn't start noticing me" or things to that nature or " and I am going to leave" then that is what will happen. Leaving each other should not come into. Do you love him? That is what counts. Perhaps you need to try harder to make your marriage work and talk to him about your feelings. Counseling is always an option.. I know I have changed since surgery but my love and respect for my husband has not changed. I love him with all my heart and the only person I need attention from is him! They do say 50% of marriages do not survive after wls. But I beleive those 50% already had marital problems to begin with. As far as your constipation goes..My doctor said increase your water intake and that should help. Also with the TT and boop job, don't you have to be 18 months out before the consider it? ~~hugs and well wishes~~ Chris

Deborah, Sorry to hear of your maritial woes. I would suggest counseling with a couples therapist or maybe a pastor. Several years back my hubby and I went through some rough times and during our process we attended a weekend event called Weekend to Remember. It is practical and they address tons of issues, communication, intimacy, your role as a wife, his role as a husband and on and on. I cannot recommend this enough. We have been to three events put on by this group. Here is the link http://www.familylife.com/conferences/marriage.asp I bet your hubby is feeling insecure and it is easier to push away than to pull in. I know that I am that way. If I am afraid you will hurt me, I harden my heart and turn away. Sometimes it even comes out as anger. Constipation ... here is my "prescription" 1 serving of triscuts and 30 ounces of water. Eat and drink together, results within 8-12 hours. I but the low fat ones. They sure clean you out. Warning TMI ... just took a dose last night and feel tons better this AM God Bless! Jen

Hi Deborah And congratulations on the weight loss. Have you thought about marriage counsling? It may be what you both need. Your husband is obviously feeling anxious that now that you are thin you will no longer want him. And about the blowout. That usually happens with cronic constipation. You're saying that your constipated again tells me that it never went away. There just comes a time when the body has to "empty itself out" so you get the bouat of diarrea. Not fun, Have you talked to your doctor, not the surgeon, but your regular doctor. They can give you something to normalize your bowel movement. Take care and seriously think about the counseling. Sending many hugs, Ronna

Hey Deborah, Sounds like life isn't fun for you right now. Sorry. I can relate. I had constipation and now-sorry if this is TMI for people but god.....I have severe hemorrhoids and am off work to deal with them for 4 weeks. Here is a good cure for constipation: 1 c oat bran 1 c applesauce 1/3 cup prune juice mix and eat 1 tbsp in am and 1 tbsp in pm It works-i wouldn't want you to be in the same place as me. As for the hubby....mind games never work. Any kind of games for that matter. My husband was a dick to me for 7years and now that I am thin he is so nice. he is afraid i will leave him. I am dealing with resentment issues for sure. This wls is a challenge for every facet of your life-I didn't realize that and the impact. I am trying to be in love with him again but it is hard to escape the past. Nobody deserves emotional abuse and that's what jabs at self-esteem and snide remarks are (Karen ) If you ever want to talk...... Hang in there with it all!

This is just my opinion and I don't know, of course, what's truly going on with you and your husband. But, I agree with Ladybug and some of the other posters--- about working on things and perhaps trying counseling. I think marriage is always hard, someone always seems to have something going on that requires handling. Though it sounds cliche and I don't know your beliefs-- I ask for strength through prayer--as in "god help me"--sounds simple, but I feel better. I don't tell you this in a dismissive or smug way---I'm just saying it works for me--you know? I also always (try to) remember that the day I married my husband I was the heaviest I have ever been (307) and I probably gained a few more on our honeymoon. He does not prefer fat women and now that I'm much lighter he is much more pleased with how I look, but he never made a big issue out of my weight. Fat or thin(ner). For this and many other reasons, I love him. My point is, focus on the good points about your husband--there are many. I also think that people telling you 50% of marriages don't survive isn't helpful----in fact, I think it's harmful and oversimplifies complex issues. Anyway, that means 50% do survive! Ladybug, I thought your post was written with a lot of concern and pain--so please excuse me if I sound a little like Holly Happiness of Sunshine Village with my little comments , but, please be careful with flirtation--it is very dangerous when your marriage is having trouble. Now then, last of all------- I think my home is a pretty happy one overall and I adore my DH but I still called him an a**hole this morning before he left for work!!! So there!!!! Cathy