I am still around.... Long
Hi everyone!! 
Well it has been quite a while since I have been on here and let me say, things are going ok in my life these days.
So this Monday will be 8 months post-surgery and I have finally hit below 200 lbs for the first time in I couldn't tell you how long! YAY FOR ME! HA HA I feel like a new person, but the funny thing is that I am still me just the new and improved version of me 
I have confidence and I have self-esteem and I know that life is going to be good and that I have finally found reasons to live and be happy. For the first time in my life, I LIKE MYSELF... and not just a little. I like myself a lot. I am really digging this person I have become and still becoming. I am not so scared anymore and I am a lot bolder than I have ever really been. I don't have to adjust my personality or who I am anymore to fit in. I did that all of my life and finally ME is coming out. I have hit that point where love me or leave me, but remember that it's your loss if you leave. I love my friends that have stuck by me and have helped me get to this point in my life. Hey, I've always been the late bloomer and this time, it's no different. But as I look ahead and see 30 rolling in here in a few months, I am excited. They say 30 is the new 20 right? I am older than most of my friends and I don't care about age anymore. I don't feel old like I did. I feel like I am a lot younger and that I have a renewed sense of age and time. It's hard to explain, but I do. I am so much more at ease with myself and my life these days. It's such an amazing feeling.
I have started buying clothes here and there (God Bless Gabe's!) and I am getting myself back into the styles I always liked but could never wear. I have bought clothes at Pac Sun and Hot Topic for heaven's sake! Victoria's Secret is right around the corner! I have never owned anything from there and the time is coming very soon. I can't wait! HA HA While I am still the girl in the jeans and a cute shirt, I WEAR SKIRTS AND DRESSES NOW! Now granted, I don't do it every day, but I do, which those of you that knew me back in the day know I never did! And ladies and gents, I even bought a pair of high heels BECAUSE I CAN!! Yes, things are changing and it's been great so far.
Now as for "the past" I did have a quite shocking and unexpected blast of my past a month ago. I was helping my mom at the church festival and working a booth with her when strolling on by was my ex and his new wife. Now we did not even lock eyes or anything, but it freaked me out and I was shaking. He left right away and I didn't have that uncomfortable moment that I dreaded ever since finding out he got married, but I was spinning. I called friends and went out with them but I was just not okay. I was doing so well with not having him in my life anymore (it's been over 2 years now) and seeing him again brought all that anxiety and insecurity back. Looking back at it now, I was completely wrong to get so upset. By me doing that, I let him win. That was completely wrong. He didn't want me and didn't treat me well whatsoever (regardless of what he thinks to this day) and I deserve SO MUCH MORE out of my life and I know that one day, I will have my fairytale. Look at me now. I am not the same girl I was when we broke up 2 years ago physically and mentally. I am a lot stronger than I was then and again, I like myself. I have PRIDE in myself and I know that I can do this by myself. I don't need a man to fix my life. I am ME and this is MY LIFE. I realize now that if I could go back and relive that moment, I would have changed everything. I would have just LET IT GO and not have spazzed out like I did. Because in all honesty, HE let me go and didn't fight for me at all 2 years ago when I told him I needed him out of my life. Is there still going to be a part of me that cares? YES... he was my first everything... but at the same point, I thought I was in love with him. In reality, I have realized that it wasn't love at all. I don't know what it was but it definitely wasn't love. I know what I felt then and what I know I can feel now and when I fall in love again, I will know the difference and not let myself repeat all of my past mistakes again. I realized my pattern and it has been broken this time. When things develop in the future I will have learned and be able to change the outcome hopefully. I have faith in that.
As for my current state of love... well DOA pretty much sums it up. But honestly, I am the one making it that way. I am taking this time to really understand myself and what it is I want out of a relationship. I have an idea and I am going to take more chances in the future. I have to put everything out on the table as I did before. I have to take the risk and not be afraid of rejection. But the thing I really have to work on is timing. Never seem to get that right, do I? So at this point, I have to have patience and FAITH and I know in my heart I will end up where I am supposed to be. I believe that with every fiber of myself. But I know that if I don't have trust and friendship with a guy, there's no chance. So we shall see what it is the future holds, but I know that I am going to have to take certain risks to find that one. I know I am up for the challenge.
My best friend is finally moving home... Brian is actually on his way back from AZ as we speak. I can't wait to see him again. I haven't seen him in 14 months. Now he has seen pictures of me since surgery, but as I told him, pictures vs in-person is a whole 'nother thing. He doesn't understand what going out to eat for me is like these days and I told him he is in for a new experience, especially since we used to always go out to eat. But things with his situation haven't been pretty. His soon-to-be-ex wife is also one of my close friends and all kinds of mes**** the fan. I was thrown in the middle and it got VERY VERY ugly and nasty. But all-in-all, he's coming home, is happy with how everything ended, and I can't wait to get a hug (especially since now he will be able to get both arms completely around me!)
Work is rough since I am in training for a new position. It's basically more products and devices than what I currently work on. No raise, just a lateral move, but hey, it's something new. I also posted for the supervisor position again. I decided to quit being so darned bitter and just do it. Eventually they will get tired of me and just give it to me right? HA HA But I really hope this time goes better than last time. Wish me luck
But finally, I have found reasons to live and I am working on the happiness part. I get myself into such chaotic situations, but I am getting the swing of it. I thank heavens for my friends and for all of you. I know I could not have made it this far without everyone caring about me. So 8 months post-op, I am down to 198. Yes, 113 lbs are gone and I have 48 more to go until I hit my goal of 150. It's funny since I weigh less than my sister for the first time in my life. She is not liking that, but oh well! I am at peace with my life and myself. That's how I am celebrating my 8 month surgiversary.
Happy Surgiversary to all of us 1/11/06'ers out there!!
~amber~ 
Well it has been quite a while since I have been on here and let me say, things are going ok in my life these days.
So this Monday will be 8 months post-surgery and I have finally hit below 200 lbs for the first time in I couldn't tell you how long! YAY FOR ME! HA HA I feel like a new person, but the funny thing is that I am still me just the new and improved version of me I have confidence and I have self-esteem and I know that life is going to be good and that I have finally found reasons to live and be happy. For the first time in my life, I LIKE MYSELF... and not just a little. I like myself a lot. I am really digging this person I have become and still becoming. I am not so scared anymore and I am a lot bolder than I have ever really been. I don't have to adjust my personality or who I am anymore to fit in. I did that all of my life and finally ME is coming out. I have hit that point where love me or leave me, but remember that it's your loss if you leave. I love my friends that have stuck by me and have helped me get to this point in my life. Hey, I've always been the late bloomer and this time, it's no different. But as I look ahead and see 30 rolling in here in a few months, I am excited. They say 30 is the new 20 right? I am older than most of my friends and I don't care about age anymore. I don't feel old like I did. I feel like I am a lot younger and that I have a renewed sense of age and time. It's hard to explain, but I do. I am so much more at ease with myself and my life these days. It's such an amazing feeling.
I have started buying clothes here and there (God Bless Gabe's!) and I am getting myself back into the styles I always liked but could never wear. I have bought clothes at Pac Sun and Hot Topic for heaven's sake! Victoria's Secret is right around the corner! I have never owned anything from there and the time is coming very soon. I can't wait! HA HA While I am still the girl in the jeans and a cute shirt, I WEAR SKIRTS AND DRESSES NOW! Now granted, I don't do it every day, but I do, which those of you that knew me back in the day know I never did! And ladies and gents, I even bought a pair of high heels BECAUSE I CAN!! Yes, things are changing and it's been great so far.
Now as for "the past" I did have a quite shocking and unexpected blast of my past a month ago. I was helping my mom at the church festival and working a booth with her when strolling on by was my ex and his new wife. Now we did not even lock eyes or anything, but it freaked me out and I was shaking. He left right away and I didn't have that uncomfortable moment that I dreaded ever since finding out he got married, but I was spinning. I called friends and went out with them but I was just not okay. I was doing so well with not having him in my life anymore (it's been over 2 years now) and seeing him again brought all that anxiety and insecurity back. Looking back at it now, I was completely wrong to get so upset. By me doing that, I let him win. That was completely wrong. He didn't want me and didn't treat me well whatsoever (regardless of what he thinks to this day) and I deserve SO MUCH MORE out of my life and I know that one day, I will have my fairytale. Look at me now. I am not the same girl I was when we broke up 2 years ago physically and mentally. I am a lot stronger than I was then and again, I like myself. I have PRIDE in myself and I know that I can do this by myself. I don't need a man to fix my life. I am ME and this is MY LIFE. I realize now that if I could go back and relive that moment, I would have changed everything. I would have just LET IT GO and not have spazzed out like I did. Because in all honesty, HE let me go and didn't fight for me at all 2 years ago when I told him I needed him out of my life. Is there still going to be a part of me that cares? YES... he was my first everything... but at the same point, I thought I was in love with him. In reality, I have realized that it wasn't love at all. I don't know what it was but it definitely wasn't love. I know what I felt then and what I know I can feel now and when I fall in love again, I will know the difference and not let myself repeat all of my past mistakes again. I realized my pattern and it has been broken this time. When things develop in the future I will have learned and be able to change the outcome hopefully. I have faith in that.
As for my current state of love... well DOA pretty much sums it up. But honestly, I am the one making it that way. I am taking this time to really understand myself and what it is I want out of a relationship. I have an idea and I am going to take more chances in the future. I have to put everything out on the table as I did before. I have to take the risk and not be afraid of rejection. But the thing I really have to work on is timing. Never seem to get that right, do I? So at this point, I have to have patience and FAITH and I know in my heart I will end up where I am supposed to be. I believe that with every fiber of myself. But I know that if I don't have trust and friendship with a guy, there's no chance. So we shall see what it is the future holds, but I know that I am going to have to take certain risks to find that one. I know I am up for the challenge.
My best friend is finally moving home... Brian is actually on his way back from AZ as we speak. I can't wait to see him again. I haven't seen him in 14 months. Now he has seen pictures of me since surgery, but as I told him, pictures vs in-person is a whole 'nother thing. He doesn't understand what going out to eat for me is like these days and I told him he is in for a new experience, especially since we used to always go out to eat. But things with his situation haven't been pretty. His soon-to-be-ex wife is also one of my close friends and all kinds of mes**** the fan. I was thrown in the middle and it got VERY VERY ugly and nasty. But all-in-all, he's coming home, is happy with how everything ended, and I can't wait to get a hug (especially since now he will be able to get both arms completely around me!)
Work is rough since I am in training for a new position. It's basically more products and devices than what I currently work on. No raise, just a lateral move, but hey, it's something new. I also posted for the supervisor position again. I decided to quit being so darned bitter and just do it. Eventually they will get tired of me and just give it to me right? HA HA But I really hope this time goes better than last time. Wish me luck
But finally, I have found reasons to live and I am working on the happiness part. I get myself into such chaotic situations, but I am getting the swing of it. I thank heavens for my friends and for all of you. I know I could not have made it this far without everyone caring about me. So 8 months post-op, I am down to 198. Yes, 113 lbs are gone and I have 48 more to go until I hit my goal of 150. It's funny since I weigh less than my sister for the first time in my life. She is not liking that, but oh well! I am at peace with my life and myself. That's how I am celebrating my 8 month surgiversary.
Happy Surgiversary to all of us 1/11/06'ers out there!!
~amber~ 
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