A page from my journal

I just had to share, I'm alone at home right now, and just felt I needed someone else to hear me. Feb 1, 2006 I hate plateaus.... I see that I will not be making my 3rd goal in the time I set for myself. That bummed me out. I was so upset that walking wasn't moving my weight either. Why am I so competitive with myself? Why do I continue to put my self in a win/lose situation, instead of just living life with happiness and joy. You know that's the whole reason for this, I want to be happy! But each time I set out to do something either it has to be perfect, or it's the worse thing in the world. I swear if I don't get a pat on the back, I think people think I have failed. If they don't agree with me, I think they are calling me a liar. I am so insecure!!! My family knows that I have done just about everything from flute, to woodworking, to chrocheting, scrapbooking, jewelry, acting, modeling, sewing, etc... I'm very good at all of it, you know why... cause when I'm not good at something I don't share it. I hate sharing my weight journey when I'm not losing weight or gaining. It shows them I have failed. It's not that I think I'm perfect. I think people will think badly of me if I am not. It's something programed into me since I was very little. Thing is I know this. But trying to break free of this, is worse than trying to lose weight. This grip on me is choking me. It's causing stress, distrust, anger, sadness, frustration, inadequecy, loneliness, hatred for myself. If I could turn back the clock, I would have stopped my dad from doing those things to me and my family, I would have had my mom be happy with who I was, instead of her living through me, I would have stood up to those kids at school, I would have never picked the men I picked in my life, I would have never stopped living life the way I had always dreamed. I can't go back in time, and I have to get over this, but again, since I didn't do it yet, right away and the best way possible. I have failed. This cycle has to end. I have to start living my dream, regardless of what is in the past. If I want to be happy, then I have to strive to be happy. This will be my hardest journey yet, because I'm beginning to wonder if I would even know happiness if I had it. Maybe I have been happy and just didn't know it. What is the definition of happiness?

Cyndi, With all the things that you have tried and are good at, is writing one of them? I sure think so! I felt like I was reading from a famous author's writings! You are a very talented and beautiful lady who has apparently had a rough time at it some time in the past. How awesome that you have begun in yet another positive direction in your life. I can totally relate to the perfection thing. I haven't really set any goals for my weight loss other than to lose my weight at a steady, gradual pace. I'll get there when I get there! Still.... it's hard for me sometimes when I see how other people are losing so quickly and my own weight loss seems "mediocre". (Did I spell that right?) This is a very early phase of our journey.... one where we're bound to learn and learn some more. I haven't said it up to now, but I ALWAYS read your postings.... you are one of my very favorite people at this web site! Keep up the good work (and it IS good work!) ~Teri~ 311/279/259/140

Hi Cyndi, Keep your chin up your doing just fine, don't worry if you miss your goal, you have to realize that everyone losses at different times. You have to have the mind set to be happy, I know my first 2 weeks after surgery where the hardest for me. Once I went back to work things improved greatly. Try getting out of the house & connecting with family & friends. Take Care, Carly

Cindi! That could have been a page out of my own journal. It is so tough. I had my 3 week follow-up on Tuesday, and my Dr said, "Oh, you are doing a fabulous job!" I just scoffed. He looked at me kind of funny, and I told him I didn't feel comfortable with the rate of my losses so far. He just tried to remind me that everybody is different, and it only makes it harder on me, to compare myself to others. The weight will come off. Especially if I am doing everything I was told to do. {{{hugs}}} I am very competitive, and also very hard on myself for making bad choices in the past, but the past is past. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to love where you are. Learn to love that you have finally done something for yourself that no one, but you, can take away!!! Your life will change, you are already healthier than you were a month ago. Just keep making good choices for yourself. Put yourself first, as on a pedistal, remind yourself that you are in charge of taking care of YOU! For the first time in your life, put yourself first, pamper yourself, indulge yourself... LOVE YOURSELF!!! Happiness is what you make it. You can be happy, if you let yourself be... Relax about the scale... have you measured? You can be losing inches without losing pounds... Just make sure that you are giving 200% to your new lifestyle, because you deserve nothing less!!! {{{many more hugs}}} and much love, Angela

Well Put!! I know I've had the same issues. I am so happy for those that are losing but find my progess extermely slow and disheartening. 2 weeks out- following the regime to the letter, and losing very slowly and no dicernable differnce on my body. Patience is not my forte I guess. This journey is not only about "How to eat" but discovering ourselves and our potential. Hard to remember some times. Let's hang in there together and 6 months from now we'll see our progress and have the empathy for those follow . Keep the faith guys. cj

HI Cyndi: Sorry to hear you did not make your goal. I think part of my problem in my life has been I never set enough goals for myself, I guess we all go to one extreme or another. Anyway, I wanted to share something with you, I don't know if you have heard of the author and speaker Joyce Meyer but she has just written a book called "Approval Addiction". As I was reading your post I thought of this book. I have not read it yet but I plan on purchasing it and reading it. I think my whole life that is all I wanted was approval from everyone, if I did not receive it in one way or another I felt like I was a complete failure and not worth anything. You know I watch the show Starting Over and it seems like there are lots of us out there who just want to be validated and know that we are ok. I don't think I struggle with it as much as I did now as to when I was younger, because I have learned to see myself threw the eyes of God. Once I could see myself threw the creator of the Universe's eyes it made me feel a little better. I know he loves me just the way Iam, and I know that he has given me a wonderful gift by allowing me to get this wonderful tool. He knows the pain that I have felt threw needing approval from others. I know that he is molding me and making me out of a just a lump of Clay, because that is what Iam. By my getting this surgery he is allowing me to feel better, look better, and live my life. That is all he wants me to do, is to live. Iam 49 years old and I have struggled my whole life since I have been a little girl with wanting to please everyone. But the only one I really have to make happy is me. I gained all this weight because deep down inside I was not happy with myself and ate to numb the pain. I have been out of surgery 9 days now and already feel my life taking a path that Iam unfamiliar with and it is only because I have the true inner happiness that no one can take away from me. You sound like a beautiful person. I know that you will find the happiness and inner peace that we so all deserve. I can't say how I will be on my road of weight loss. I find myself stepping on the scale everyday and that is one thing I don't want to do. I think if you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing you are doing good. I have heard many people say that they reach plateaus. I wish you all the luck and happiness and congratulations on all of your loss. Denise Heisler