WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE WOMAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into regular
workout routine. This is a classic!
Dear Diary;
For my fortieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in great
shape since my track and field days some 25 years ago, I decided it would be
a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the gym and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Damon, who identified himself as
a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The gym
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Damon waiting for me He
is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Damon gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it
was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his gym top and
bulging shorts. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Damon was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Damon
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
ran over the gym manager in the parking lot. Damon was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little
too perky for this early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so he put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Damon told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
other ****oo.
Thursday:
Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Damon took me to work out
with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's change
room. He sent Cheryl to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that basta*d Damon more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, masochistic gym-jock. If>
there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would
beat him with it. He wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
*&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which
I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna
cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the nutrition
advisor. Why couldn't it have been someone big and soft, like an ice-cream
salesman or a fireman?
Saturday:
Damon left a message on my answering machine in his grating, whining voice,
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my rolling pin. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband
(the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a
pap smear...
Most Active
Recent Topics
