Gotta vent.... insensitive boss

My boss wanted to give me some "feedback" she said today. She started off saying I missed an opportunity to socialize with some peers at work who's department I am applying for transfer since i did not strategically sit near them and socialize with them during a luncheon last week at an italian restaurant. I have told her before about my post-op struggles and the fact i do not eat socially since surgury since I have had so many intolerance issues (maybe 6-12 months from now I can eat and socialize at the same time). I told her I was so focused on was there anything I could even eat on the menu? Was I going to get sick off the food? Would I have to make a prompt exit to the bathroom if about to vomit or dump?- so chosing an end seat was a necessity so 5 or more people did not have to get up in order to let me out of the table trap. I haven't been out for a social lunchoen since surgery etc etc. --- I rattled off all of this to her very quickly. She started off so offensively and prejudicely in her opening comment in my opinion - I responded quite strongly and quickly to counter her comment. I don't think she liked to hear my rationale although she claims to have a broader perspective now. She seems beyond sensitizing to the issues and psychology of the morbidly obese and post RNY person. She is someone that should be be a natural at "seeing with her third eye" or "hearing with her third ear" given her profession- ie thinking outside of her little microcosm of life and understanding that not everyone else's experiences are the same as her own. Her starting comment so soured our conversation- there was no way she could get thru to me with any other issue during our conversation. I try to be open minded- thinking she can change and evolve into a better supervisor and leader- but over the years I do not feel she has changed very much at all despite my attempts at trying to strengthen our professional relationship. She does not seem to really listen to what I say- personal or professional. I have started keeping notes of our formal meetings together because at times she doesn't recall any of the details of an issue i have shared with her previously. Her supervisor is not available - despite him stating publicly to our dept he has an open door policy---Open door policy it seems for his manager cronies only. I would like to find some literature that may serve to sensitize people like her to the world of the morbidly obese. Any ideas??? My hunch is she was not raised nor does she personally socialize or have any obese friends. I am nearly beyond trying to educate her in our conversations because some of her insenstiive remarks incite me to the point I can no longer be objective with her. She sometimes comments that MY response to her feedback is "negative" and "non-productive"- when in my reality- her feedback starts off in the most negative and condesending manner. She seems so self absorbed she cannot see outside herself so to speak. I want to respect my supervisor- I have worked hard personally not to form a global disrespect for her like so many of my co-workers within and outside my department have towards her. I have this inherent belief that there is goodness and potential for growth in every human being- but she is really challenging this belief of mine- as she seems to be the exception. This post obviously gives me an opportunity to deposit my frustrations with her and our supervisory relationship here- but I find it a struggle to just leave it here and let it pass. Thanks for listening *** reading) Karen

Hey Karen, I am sorry to hear you had such a crummy day with your boss. I don't have any advice except that you may want to google sensitivity training and see if there are any good articles. Or look at one of the obesity support websites and see if they have any info. The smarty pants in me says .. get her a note from your doctor that says Karen is not allowed to eat & socialize. Failure to follow these directions could have explosive consequences!!!! Hang in there & God Bless, Jen

Did I miss something? Where did you get the smiley on the toilet? I like him. Hazel

It is not on our list, but I saw it on a post and figured it mus be : toilet : - without the spaces and it worked!

thanks for the suggestions. After thinking the issue over further- I plan to work on changing my ways I react to her comments. I do tend to be defensive in nature with anyone and usually I am strongly so when someone passes judgment on my actions without knowing the facts. She makes a lot of assumptions- so perhaps instead of focusing efforts on educating her- I just let her continue on her own journey and she may eventually realize how judgmental and assuming she has been at times with her staff. I have to refocus on me which is not my usual nature---but looking out for #1 needs to be a new direction for me. No more self neglect--I need to become more selective deciding if others come before me.

Hi Karen, I can identify with your challenges of eating and socializing at the same time. Often I google the restaurant ahead of time and most now post their menus on line. This has allowed me to look and think about my choices ahead of time so its not so much pressure at the table. Sometimes I also approach a meal as just social time, order something that seems safe and really just pu**** around, using the time to talk, observe, and socialize. I then get my protein/food either before or after. A protein drink before helps me feel full and not want to eat. There's days when this does not work, my old connection with food still takes over and I want to be in the throes of eating. I also have in my head two things typical to each type of cuisine that I know are generally safe = italian: caprese and lasagne; greek: cheese and the dips; mexican: beans, cheese. A cobb salad (with dressing on the side) is a safe item. Again, you walk in prepared which gives you more confidence and allows you to focus on the social/business aspects of the meal. Regarding your boss.....whenever you speak with her about your lifestyle, speak of it in a positive way and how its improving your health. I sense you're in more of an apologetic mode with her and she's imposing on that which is wrong on her part. I hope this helps. Tiffany

Karen, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with someone like that. However I do have a couple of suggestions. It sounds like you're boss was more upset about you're not participating in the socializing than the fact that you didn't eat anything. Would it be a terrible thing to order something as simple as a soup and sip on it, or order something and let it sit in front of you while socializing. Have it wrapped up "to go" and simply participate in the socializing stating that you are not really hungry yet and you'll eat it later. I'm thinking that just because you are not comfortable eating in public, it should not prevent you from participating in a "working lunch", especially if you are looking for a promotion or transfer within the company. I'll give you an example, right after surgery (I was still on liquids) and we had a client come in for a mandatory meeting. Well the client brought in muffins, donuts, danishes, bagels, etc. and I knew I couldn't eat it, but I was the ONLY one in the room without any food in front of her. So not to make the client uncomfortable, I picked out a muffin and placed it in front of me, she later remarked that I hadn't touched it and I simply said "Oh, I already had breakfast but I'm saving this (the muffin) for a mid morning snack" and smiled. After the client left, I threw it away. My boss, who knew I couldn't eat it and was appreciative at how I handled the situation because I went out of my way to make sure the client was not uncomfortable at the same time, sticking with my restrictions. Believe me, my boss is in no way supportive about weight loss surgery, but if I don't let it interfere with the job, they don't care. I hope that helps a little. Trying to change people to make them understand is more difficult (sometimes) than just finding another way to deal with them. But you are right, some people are like that because they are not educated about the situation. There is an article on OH that I found once and it might help your boss understand a little better. Look in the "resources" sectiona dn see if you can do a search on "helping coworkers understand" and see if anything comes up. I think that's the phrase I used in my search. Good luck, I hope it gets better. Roni