Anyone Else Having Family Issues - Crosspost

I accidently posted this on the main board when I meant to post it here. Anyway, I thought I'd ask if anyone else has family issues as well My mother is having a difficult time coping with the fact that she can no longer look to me to make herself feel better about her weight. For years, I outweighed her by 60 or so pounds - I was always over 300 and she was around 240-250, so she always had the comfort of knowing that she wasn't the largest person in the family. Well, now she is; I weight about 35 pounds or so less than she (I am 207 and she's 242) and am several clothing sizes smaller. She has resorted to making "comments" periodically such as the other day when she announced that people should not have to resort to surgery to lose weight and that if people "honestly trust in God and make a firm commitment" they should be able to get by on willpower alone. *insert rolling eyes* Well, she clearly does not think that it takes willpower to stick to this program. I don't know where people get their warped ideas. She then announced that she has dramatically changed her eating habits without the benefit of surgery. Let me tell you that it took every ounce of strength for me to resist asking her why she is still so nice and fat since if she's such a paragon of willpower and nutritious eating. *insert rolling eyes again* But I didn't want to hurt her feeling, so I just said, "ummm... yeah... sure." If someone compliments me about my weight loss and she is within earshot, the first words out of her mouth are "what about me, what about me?" Plus, she still tries to sabotage my diet, like she has done my entire life. It's starting to grate on my nerves. My idiotic younger sister has gone from making rude insulting comments about my weight to making rude insulting comments about my loose skin. My older sister (who is a size 12 and about 160 pounds) is so terrified that I will eventually get smaller than her that she's literally starving herself. Good grief, what is wrong with people?!?!?!?!?! It's a wonder that I'm sane. Well, the jury is still out on that one! (smile). Let's hear your stories...

I haven't had to much family troubles. My sister has bounced from WW to South Beach and back and forth. She is probably about 50 lbs overweight after losing 20 or so. She was very bitter at first about my surgery and plotted with my no longer best friend about what a horrible idea it was and how I had no will power! But I think I have won her over, I make sure that I always comment on how good she looks and we compare protein stories and recipes. As far as my Past Best Friend as I have posted before I just don't know what her problem is. She has never gotten over it and makes comments at work about how I had to have surgery to lose weight. Oh Well...we have agreed to disagree and although we still maintain a friendship it will never be the same. It just seems that those the closest (supposedly) just cant deal with our improvement! I am just over it all and only seek out people who love me no matter what! I am always amazed at people who just dont really notice the huge change. I have decided that they were true friends who never really saw me a morbidly obese.

Sure, it hurts to have family members that just can't be happy for you. And it's sad that they are so selfish and in denial. Block them out and happy for yourself, let them say whatever they want. Don't ever let them get you down. Because YOU know that this surgery has changed YOUR life, forever. You know that it makes you feel good about yourself, makes you feel happy about the way you look, and you have added years to your life. Nothing anybody says out of jealousy or a mean spirit can ever take that away. All these years with all the miracle diet pills that were on the market, all the fad diets, all the different food programs, and none of it was healthy or good for us. This surgery is, as far as I'm concerned, was the only way I was ever going to really lose weight. I will never be ashamed of my decision. PS I would take this baggy skin over that fat body anyday anyhow! Carol

Wow! I guess I am luck my friend and family have been nothing but supportive, I get called "skinny" frequently at work which is just, well, weird! It is sad that your mom and sisters are so worried you might get smaller than them that they cant find it to be happy for you that you are now a thinner and hopefully healthier, happier person. The willpower thing cracks me up too, people have no clue how hard this surgery and learning to eat again is. But then again they never will! All I can say is keep up the good work and know your WLS family is here to support you always, have you heard the saying "friends are family you choose" seems fitting here! Cary

Tracy, "Don't get me staated" (said with an italian accent). I'm 44 years old and I haven't even TOLD my Mother. The only reason I told my Sister is that she holds my health care proxy. (My DH would have me put on ice until the perfect immortality). My Mother (bless her) helped me develop all those bad habits all thru childhood and then starts shaming me when I hit puberty that I'm too fat! The more she commented on my weight, the more I ate (sound familiar Mayers?). I told my immediate family (DH, Son, Daughter), my 3 closes friends and one neighbor that was having similar health issues because of her weight. It's not that I'm ashamed of having WLS, it's just "No One's F$&#' N business but my own." (sorry old song lyric). At a Dinner with my Aunts and Uncles a few months back, the conversation turned to diets, etc. My Aunts are always reducing (to no avail). My Cousin's husband, (she was not present of course), is over 400 lbs. My Aunts tore him apart. He is contemplating WLS and you should have heard the comments. "That's the easy way out". "People who have to resort to WLS are Lazy". "It only takes a little willpower". OH MY GOD... My kids were watching me from the corners of their eyes waiting for me to explode. They kept chuckling and covering it up with coughs. They are just uninformed idiots. This is a lot of work. We know it and that's all that matters. Tracy (FFFC) Just smile at them when they spout off. It ticks them off even more. Jealousy has no boundries. It has no blood ties. It's amazing that the people that should be supporting you the most are usually the ones that let you down. You'll always have us. We listen, we don't judge and we know... Hugs, Kate Z

I haven't really had any problems, at least none that I'm aware of. I'm sure some of my family is talking up a storm but they must do it out of earshot... I feel bad for you. Your mom and sister should be your greatest source of strength. I also feel bad for them, it must be so sad to feel so petty and jealous... When your mom talks about her newest life-altering change, just smile and say, "That's great mom, I hope you are successful," and leave it at that. As for your sisters, well, what can I say, sisters can make a person certifiably crazy... It's all on them, you keep being the beautiful person you are.

Sorry to hear about your Mom and family. I also weighed more than my mom and now I am smaller than her. She has supported me and at one time we were the same size and shared clothes. Now that I am in 16's she can't get my hand me downs. I think the folks at church are wondering what's going on. I really don't care, because I feel good, look good, highly favored in the Lord, and have a complete understanding that I was brought out of the disease of obesity because of his grace and mercy. So, you will be fine. They will come around or stand around looking at you as you strut your stuff.

Hi Gal, I saw a book once that's title was "Fat is a Family Affair". Your story reminds me that in studying the addictions ( compulsive overeating is an addiction ) whenever someone in the family system makes a change everybody feels discombobulated. They use the model of a mobile, like a mobile with colorful butterflies each on it's own 'branch'. If you remove one all the others will bob around rather wildly till they find their { new } equalibrium. Having had the wls and recent success in getting a huge amount of weight off , you have changed the usual everyday family dynamics in your family. It is not unusual that there would be so much reaction by them. Like in the alcoholic family system if the codependant spouse begins to go to support group mtgs. and get help with his/her issues and becomes healthier, the whole family undergoes a great change. Often anger rises up in other family members because nobody 'likes' change...because it feels different and unpredictable. But to quote an old friend " taking a stand, precipitates a crisis... but out of a controlled crisis, comes positive change." Your 'changing' and losing weight has changed the norm. If you can stand steady and by the grace of God and support from friends and Mayers you can make it thru this tumultious time. Perhaps in time those in your family who also struggle with their weight issues will find a source of help and relief and maybe even wls if they choose at some later time. It is a very hard place you are in right now and it hurts and feels very unfair. Just know that this will pass and you will get thru to the other side. You are doing a great job. Focus on your work and dedication to this new lifestyle and be encouraged by the support of others who do care about you and are FREE enough to say so. When the fam can not compliment you or offer you a kind word and rather , compete with you or slash, try to step away and find a less toxic environment so you can choose to limit your exposure to what has potential to bring you down. God Bless you, Keep looking up. I will be praying for you and the full and complete healing of your family also. Mary

I have a big family and I can understand some of what you're going through. I haven't experienced it at that level but my siblings do feel threatened by me. I'm smaller than two of my sisters right now and catching up with the other. I wear the same size dress as my drag queen brother and even though he's happy for me he says that he's just pissed inside and laughs. I'm smaller than my mom and she cracks a joke here and there but it does get old at times. I think we are a threat to some level. At first people are happy for you and then realization hits...whoa, she's smaller than me, I better lose weight the "harder" way. Ah, well. Just make yourself and keep yourself happy. Family: you can't live with 'em, you can't live with 'em. lol But ya gotta love 'em.