Food for Thought: The Elephant Complex

I wrote this in my journal tonight, and thought it was worth posting here as well. It's really long, so I'll just post the first few paragraphs here, but you can read the whole thing at www.jemwelsh.blogspot.com. When captive circus elephants are young, their trainers shackle one of their legs to a heavy iron stake pounded deep into the ground to ensure that no matter how hard or how defiantly the young elephant struggles, he will not be able to escape. Years later, when the elephant has grown into his full strength and power, the trainer still holds him captive, but not with chain and an iron stake. The trainer can use simple rope and a wooden stake half-heartedly pushed into soft soil, and still the elephant will not escape. Why? The elephant is trapped by his mind, where his past experience has ingrained in him the futility of freedom. Even when freedom lies handily in his grasp, the elephant cannot fathom it. The elephant and I might as well be siblings, because our experiences in life are so similar. You see, being fat wasn't just a description of my physical appearance, but a life long mindset, one I first recall summoning at Kerry Moore's third grade Luau birthday party, where I was ashamed to run around in my bathing suit and grass skirt (as all the other skinnier girls did) for fear of someone mocking my rounded belly. For a girl who has been "chubby," "husky," "stocky," "bulky," "tubby," "full-figured," "large-boned," "flabby," and "fat" variously since third grade, the state of being overweight defined me physically and mentally. In the last ten months, I've lost more than 130 pounds (an entire supermodel!), and one of the most striking things I've noticed is how HARD it is to overcome the "elephant complex." (And how appropriate that this can be named after the plight of the elephant, the animal synonymous with enormity). Can you relate? With a show of hands, how many people...

Ummm, me... Very well written and very accurate. Kathy

Kathy: Thanks. And thanks for being so active here--it's always great to "hear" your words of inspiration each time you post! Jem

WOW Jem! That was absolutely incredible! I am sitting eating my breakfast, and your writing has brought tears to my eyes. Right now, I am continually having people of influence (trainer and therapist) tell me that I will not progress further in life unless I can start to acknowledge the progress I've made and push the envelope on things that I thought I could never do or were never good enough to do. It's not even that I realize I am telling myself I can't do something -- It's on a more subconscious level simply because it's been my life for the last 30+ years. I guess hearing it from a sister who is going through the same things in life makes a BIG difference! I am putting a sign up in my office to "Break the Elephant Complex" so I can see it every day and remind myself that I can break barriers and push myself to new heights of achievement. Thank you Jem for your insight and thoughtfulness! This should be posted for all to read and think about. Angie

Angie: Thanks for the kind words. I actually wrote this at about 2 am last night, because I had a "mental breakthrough" on how I needed to attack my fat fears and really be more aggressive in making myself slip outside my comfort zone. Your sign gave me a good idea--I'm going to put up a picture of an elephant on my bulletin board at work, just to remind me! Thanks! Jem

Count me in!

Hi Jem! I just read the entire entry at your blog and I must say that you are a tremedously talented writer! It's almost like you crawled right inside my brain because I have felt, and continue to feel everything you described (except that I'm still only able to do the "girly" push-ups, LOL!). Your post was truly inspirational, and thank you for sharing it! Hugs, Tracy

Tracy: Thanks! I was just reading your profile, and noticed your last entry on not liking compliments--I have the same issues and I think that's the Elephant Complex talking. Although it feels great to have someone appreciate your looks, two thoughts AUTOMATICALLY pop into my head when I recieve a compliment: 1. Bull! I am not pretty or Can't you see the fat roll I'm not cleverly hiding in the skirt? Do you not see the flappy arms? The double chin. Don't patronize me with this "pretty" business--I'm no fool. I KNOW better. I'm not cute. (Which, to me is the result of years of building walls and defenses when kids and adults mocked me about my weight or well-meaning friends and family "massage" the truth to make us feel better when we KNOW they can't possibly find something attractive in our lumpy, bumpy flesh. 2. Oh? And so what was I BEFORE I lost the weight, chopped liver? Why compliment me now, you never did before--are you THAT shallow?? And it's weird that these two auto-responses are almost diametrically opposed to one another (one a result of intense self-loathing, and one a result of defying/denying the norm that fat = incompetent). Compliments are really hard for me too, although there is a part of me that likes and accepts them. I've been taking the "Fake it 'til you Make it" approach to compliments--which is a two-prong defense: 1. Always says "Thanks" PERIOD. No buts. Don't argue with the complimenter. 2. (And this one is harder to do), INTERNALIZE the compliment without condition. Sort of like #1, but with your inner voice. After all, my coworker didn't say, "I like your skirt, even though it is a little snug in the belly." So don't STORE the compliment in your brain with the self-imposed condition. Whoa. I guess I had a bit of a tangent here... Anyway, Thanks again for reading it--I'm glad it is resonating with folks like it did for me. Jem

Incredible, Jem. Absolutely incredible.