What ya eating?

OK here goes Laurie's confession time. ehhmmm eehhmmm I am moderately to severly depressed. I have started having anxiety attacks and I've STOPPED going places. For instance, I'm supposed to leave right now and go pick up three of my kids from school. But I don't like to leave the house, so I'll wait another 10 mins until my oldest son gets home and ask him to go pick them up (he's 17 and LOVES to get to drive) no harm, no foul, but the kids have to wait at the school a few extra minutes. Last week I about LOST it in WalMart. I don't know why exactly, but I was desperately trying to get groceries and dh hasn't been home and hasn't stuck to the budget and I'm trying to cover all our needs and do it cheaply... and I started shaking and I was dripping in sweat!!! I just wanted to leave the full cart of groceries in the middle of the store and go home!! And I would have except I knew that dh wasn't home and I'd HAVE to just come back up later and do it all again!!!! Then yesterday dh was home for a few hours before leaving for the week and he dragged me out shopping to get me a winter coat. (since our mornings have been in the 30's it WAS time to buy one) I hear two ladies in the store talking and the one lady says, "My son told his dad, 'Dad, you abandoned us, we didn't leave you'" and I just started crying!!!! So this whole thing has me quite freaked out. I mean I was more "stable" when I was 266 pounds!!! I thought losing weight would gain me MORE confidence, but that's not what happened. I think that everyone is looking at me thinking that I'm "showing off" because I've lost the weight.... which is almost funny cuz it's absolutely the opposite. I've cancelled most appointments and I've pretty much stayed home for the last few weeks. Now today it seems to be catching up to me!!! I'm home - nothing to do - I'm bored and all I find to do is....... oh yes, you know what's coming..... EAT!!!! So far today I've eatten. b - oatmeal s - hot choc w/ protein l - dblcheeseburger (no bun) apple dipper ( had to take the boys to the dentist this am, I was at McD's at 10:30 am getting this.... yup, that's when i ate lunch) s - sbd breakfast bar s - apple w/ peanutbutter s - hot choc w/ protein powder (and it's only 3:50pm) and I REALLY REALLY want to munch on some popcorn, but the kids will be home and then they'll want some and I don't want to ruin their dinner. Good Golley Miss Molley - I'm going freakin' NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do have an apt tomorrow morning with my pcp. My goal is to bring this up with him along with some other things and getting my labs checked. UGH - I hate to say it, but I think I need some drugs!!!!! Laurie

Today was a crazy day... I overslept. Alot. In fact, I woke up at 6:22 - exactly the time I'm usually walking out the door. I still got to work by 7:20, which in my book, considering I had to shower (hat head from yesterday), I put on makeup, threw an apple, a protien bar, and a yogurt in my bag, got the baby up, dressed and out the door, and to the sitter's, is pretty darn good in my book... Anyway, I digress. My entire day was screwy. I hate oversleeping - always throws me off. And I had a ton of meetings... Pre B - AchievOne (didn't have time for coffee before work, thank goodness I had these in the house!) B - low carb vanilla yogurt MS - small apple L - julienne salad (cottage cheese, chicken, cheese, olives, sunflower seeds, egg) AS - protein bar D - Taco bell soft taco, one and about 1/4, and 1/2 a bean burrito.... I know, I know... not the greatest, but I was running around with the truck from work trying to get pics before I lost the light, it was a last-minute dinner...

lie in a test tube somewhere in New York. My sister, aged 49, as you know was diagnosed with breast cancer early this year. She decided on a bilateral mastectomy (double mastectomy) with reconstruction followed by 8 doses of chemo. The tumor was on the one side and 3 cm but had spread to 1 lymph node. It was her decision to get both sides removed rather than face issues later. Abnormal cells were found in the other breast but they weren't cancerous... yet. Comforting to know that she had been having mammograms every 6 months for the past year and a half as they kept an eye on something. They would have continued to watch it if she hadn't asked the doctor "I feel a rough edge. Why can't we just biopsy it and be done with it." Sure enough the big C. Our family history is a bit blurry but we do know at one time my maternal grandmother had breast cancer but she had other cancer before that first. Other cancers do not usually spread to breast tissue so who knows. My mother never had a mammogram in her life so who knows but she died of strokes two years ago. Today my sister went for genetic counseling. They discuss the family history of various cancers and then send blood out to the one lab in the U.S. that does testing for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. They are genes that indicate a dispostion for breast cancer, ovarian cancer (prostate too but not an issue for her). If she tests positive for the gene(s) mutations, her oncologist will recommend that she get a prophilatic oophrectomy (removal of the ovaries) since a fair percentage of folks with the gene will develop ovarian cancer. If my sister tests positive, then I get to decide whether I get tested having a first level relative that tested positive for the BRCA1 or BRCA2. And I think I know the answer to that decision already - you betcha I'll get tested. So, in a small way the future fate of my breasts and ovaries lie in a test tube in New York. If my sister tested positive and I went on to also test positive then I'd have to think about having prophilactic removal of breasts and ovaries. I checked online and my insurance will not only pay for the genetic testing but also those surgeries. Of course, while talking to my sister... she said "At least you'd get breasts out of it". Ah, a positive in a positive gene mutation. Nothing like looking at the bright spot in the whole thing. LOL. We shared a bit laugh. I then told her that I wouldn't be able to get a darned tummy tuck out of it because I don't have enough fat in my belly to use for reconstruction - I'd probably have to go for implants. Sis went for the reconstruction using belly fat (15 hours of surgery for breast removal and reconstruction). I'm not a pessimist so I'm not worried about this at all - just doing a bit of pondering given today's discussion. I'm not an optimist either so I'm not singing the praises that all will be just fine. I'm simply a realist. I'll wait patiently for her results to come in 3-4 weeks and then see if I need to get tested or not. No worries for now. Kathy

I would love to go but we're going away the weekend before that and I just can't spend the money to go away twice this month. I'm sure you're going to have TONS of fun!!!! And I can't wait to see pics of everyone costumes!!!!! laurie