Mom's cancer is back, postpone surgery?

Hi all,

I have surgery scheduled for May 27.  While I still have fears about my life post-surgery, I am really looking forward to it. Unfortunately my mom's cancer is back after being in remission for a couple of years. I found this out yesterday. I am an only child and I am thinking the stress of my mom getting more cancer treatments and me having surgery on May 27 might just be too much.  My husband is awesome, but that's asking a lot of him.  I still don't know what treatement will look like for my mom or what the prognosis is.  I will talk with her today and we should know a little more.

My mom absolutely does not want me to cancel my surgery date, but how can I be present for her and do well for myself as I adjust to my new tummy?  Gatric bypass is stressful enough without throwing in a demanding job (I am a top political aid to a politician) and a parent with cancer.

Any thoughts or similar experiences that will help decide to go full stream ahead?

Thanks,

MsBlues

Ms. Blues,

First I want to let you know that I will keep you and your Mom in my prayers.

While my situation is not exactly like yours I want to share some insights from my past experience to help you in making your decision and let you know you are not alone. 

My Mom and Dad (divorced since I was a year old) were always very concerned about my health due to weight issues which appeared after the birth of my two kids.  They begged me to loose weight and I tried every diet known to man including medifast, only to gain again.

I too am an only child, so I can so identify with where you are, and my Mom was truly my very best friend.  In 2000, my then fiance (now husband) proposed and we sent out our invitations for a June 2nd, 2001 wedding.  My parents were supportive and looking forward to attending the wedding, mom helped me pick out the invitations and Dad was going to escort me down the aisle.   

Mom passed away May 21, 2001 from Breast, lung and liver cancer and my Dad passed away on May 27, 2001 from stomach cancer, 6 days apart and 6 days before the wedding.  My Step Mom said she would absolutely NOT allow us to cancel the wedding, she said your parents would have wanted to see your happiness and this will be a new beginning/rebirth for the rest of the family.  I sang for both of my parent's services (mainly to keep myself from crying) but I also knew that they had so supported my music growing up and I could give this back to them. 
The wedding went off without a hitch and was a beautiful day and I know they were both there and supporting the event as it was simple but elegant and was in our backyard, friends, family and lots of music, yep sang at that too.

I am now almost 4 mos post op and I know that my Mom & Dad are beaming with pride on how well I've done thus far.  I have committed my life to this surgery and feel so confident that I will succeed and maintain.  I only wish I would have done this surgery while they were alive, so they could have seen and shared in the success and the good health that has come in just 4 months.

Your Mom has told you to absolutely not cancel your surgery.  I am sure that seeing you succeed and being part of your journey is a very important part of her life's dreams.  In a way, she will get to "care for you" while you are healing and that may be the pill she needs to get through her challenges too.   Please consider her request.

Judging from most post-ops myself included, if you have your bypass laproscopically you will miss an average of 2 to 3 weeks of work.  I felt good after a week (I have a pretty high pain tolerance) and you could be there for her.  Also, I used to work for an Oncologist (cancer doctor) and there are wonderful new anti nausea medications that can mix with chemo these days that help to combat nausea.  If your Mom is in agreement, I would attend her next oncological appt with her and discuss your surgery and your Mom's treatment regime and see what will be needed to care for her and for you.  Also, American Cancer Society offers many services too, at no charge.  Depending on where you live, I am happy to help if I can as well.

I don't envy your decision and know you will make the best one for you and your Mom.  I'm here for you and will surely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Barb

Barb,

Your post was beautiful.  You made me cry.  What an amazing person you are to share something so personal to help another.  I am a believer and I believe that we are given every trial and tribulation for a reason.  One of your trials was to touch anothers heart.  I always knew you were a special person, but now through my tear filled eyes I know it.  Your pain was not in vain my dear.  Your Mom and Dad are looking down upon you right this second with such love and joy in their hearts.  Their daughter shared something very painful for her to help another, they are so proud of you.  I am so proud of you.  Thank you Barb for being you.

Rhonda

Barb....I can only add to Rhonda's post....I knew you were an Angel when we talked before my surgery....I just didn't know how big your heart is...you are such a blessing to everyone you come in contact with...whether they know it or not.  God Bless you my friend...you are so special.
Nancy aka Sunray

MS Blues,

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!!

Rhonda

MsBlues....I commend you for wanting to be available to your mom while she faces the challenges of the next few months; but you also need to take care of yourself.  You didn't make the decision to have this surgery lightly; if you are like the rest of us, it is a life-saving decision.  It also sounds like your mom is one of your strongest supporters; take her at her word....have the surgery.  I am 6 weeks post op, so I'm a newbie at this new way of life...but even tho I took 3 weeks off from work, I was up and moving within a week..a little tired at times but each day just got better.  You will still be able to be with your mom and you may even give her a distraction by her taking care of you! ^_^

I know you will do what you feel is right in your heart.  I will keep you and your mom and family in my prayers....hoping that she returns to remission quickly.
Hugs
Nancy aka Sunray
Do. Or not Do. There is no Try...Yoda, Star Wars

Dear MsBlues,

I understand what you are going through.  Although I did not lose my mother to cancer, I know that she was always concerned about the weight I gained.  My only regret is that I did not have this surgery sooner so that she could see me as I once was.  I have to agree with Barb.  Consider your mother's request.  Do it for yourself and for her.

Barb, thank you for sharing your story with us. 

~Naomi

I know your mom doesn't want to get in the way of your success and ultimate health. Do what you feel is right for you in your heart.

Both of my parents have passed and they never had the chance to see me as I am today.

Much love sent your way,
Kim

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the support, and especially to Barb who through writing about her own experiences helped me a lot.  I sent Barb a personal message because I was blown away at how wonderful her message was.

All of you have echoed what my mom wants which means having surgery as scheduled on May 27.  My aunt and uncle from North Carolina have also offered to come out to California to be with my mom which makes me much more comfortable with keeping my scheduled sugery date.  I am so grateful they are coming to spend a few weeks out here.  They did this 2.5 years ago when my mom had her first surgeries dealing with her cancer.  I have no idea how to so my appreciation for their willingness to help.

Full steam ahead!!! I want to be healthy and feel good in my own skin.  I guess we all do.  The support I am finding on this board if awesome!!!

Cheers and hugs,
MsBlues

I have been in your shoes.
On 10/31/07, I finished my pre-op classes, all 26 weeks of them while traveling back and forth to Idaho every week to look after my Mom while she tried to recover from chemo and heart disease.  When the medical community decided she had became terminal I brought her here to live with me on Oct. 29, 2007.(2 days before "graduation") I put off my surgery while we looked for new treatment and options.  My mom rallied for awhile, then declined, and she passed away on May 2, 2008.  All the while she was ill and living with me she pressed me to get the surgury.  She was in my home, I had my husband and enough children and home health visitors to help with her care. 
I did NOT get the surgery until 5 1/2 months after her passing.  During that waiting time I gained 30 pounds! The stress of her passing and the stress of getting all the paperwork and testing done for surgury put me in a tailspin.  I know that her sadness that I had put off my long awaited and anticipated WLS bothered her and depressed her.  Get the procedure done.  The re-coup time is not as bad as you might imagine (in 95% of cases).  If there are some complications...most are easily remedied.  Do this for YOU so you can help HER.  Her joy at your progress just might be the other medicine she needs...
God Bless you in this journey
Kim in Fontana