Dear Waist
| Dear Waist,I know. It's been a long time since we've seen one other. Things werecertainly strained between us when you finally left for leaner pastures.But I am not too proud to admit that I (and several articles of clothingin my closet) still miss you, sometimes desperately.Perhaps I should have seen the early warning signs when you wereslipping away from me, one belt loop at a time. With every extra bite ofbrownie or serving of mashed potatoes, I must have been pushing you awayfrom me. But must we be like so many other modern relationships,transient and shallow? Can we not begin again?Admit it. We used to be a great team.Thanks to you, I smugly cinched belts to a satisfying close, evenwithout having to mortify myself through torturous sit-ups five times aweek. At parties, you were an asset more valuable than a raconteur'sstorehouse of witty repartee.Do you remember my dazzling turquoise jumpsuit, worn to so many summersoirees back in the days of Big Shoulders? Admiring males just aboutspilled their beers when I sauntered by in brilliant blue on the way tothe buffet table. Back then, I was heedless of those vile four-letterwords, such as "carb" and "cake." Whenever I recall that jumpsuit,wondering if I could ever fit into it again, I fight back tears whilethe immortal words of Edgar Allen Poe echo darkly: "The sad answer,'Never -– Nevermore.'"Without you, I am left quietly waiting for a consultation in the women'slingerie department, trying to select from a dizzying array of latexbody armor . Naturally, you won't be familiar with these inventions, allvariations on sausage casings. Even with a consult, it's not easychoosing among mummifying garments such as the Lardy Liquidator, AdiosAdipose, the Endomorph Annihilator, the Tubby Torpedo, and the Roly-PolyRub Out.These modern versions of chain mail are astonishing feats ofengineering. The U.S. military is snapping them up by the thousands, notbecause our servicemen and women are plumping out, but because thesebody huggers have built in missile defense capabilities. (Take that,Vladimir!) But nothing is perfect. Because breathing is constricted withsome of these garments, especially the Extreme Titanium Torso Nipper,oxygen tanks are a must-have accessorySMALL WAISTS WASTED ON THE YOUNGPerhaps you'll think I've no right to complain about your abandonment.Yet I believe firmly that small waists are wasted on the young. Whathave these pampered pups done to deserve them? They squander their youthrubbing tanning lotion over lean limbs and downloading music files ontotheir MP3 players. I declare unapologetically that it's women like mewho have sacrificed our figures to gestate the next generation (or atleast a portion thereof), who deserve the Playtex payback. Drop waistdresses be damned; I miss my belts! Must I spend eternity rolling aroundon a stability ball before you'll give me another chance?I am also haunted by the thought that my own recklessness drove youaway. Perhaps you would have remained faithful if only I had worshipedat the Shrine of the Elliptical Trainer and Our Lady of the PerpetualRowing Machine at six o'clock in the morning.This was my habit, in fact, until I read that sleep deprivation wasclearly linked in scientific studies with weight gain. Continuing withthis regimen would have been the very definition of reckless. I replacedthese outings to the gym with morning prayers, sometimes so fervent thatthey must be aerobic. Yet results have not been visible to the nakedeye.Besides, discipline only goes so far.You show me any other descendant from the Russian Pale of Settlement whodoesn't thank God Almighty for the "relaxed fit jean" and I'll show youa liposuction bill for ten thousand bucks. Maddeningly, some specimenslike this do exist, paragons of exercise and food discipline. It's badenough that they shame me by huffing along on the Stairmaster that Ivacated in order to catch some shut-eye. Worse, they take their kids outfor ice cream and just sit and watch, as if going for ice cream is aspectator sport. When the dessert cart is waved in front of them, theywave it right back as if swatting a mosquito. They gave up white flourand chocolate by age 30. Well, I'd give up chocolate too, but I'm noquitter.I know that we can learn to be close again. Already, I'm counting carbs,avoiding white sugar (at least once a day) and committing to four hoursa week of ab crunches on that blasted stability ball. Waist, if youdon't give me a second chance, you are dooming me to a life in theEndomorph Annihilator (oxygen tank not included).Do you really want this on your slim conscious?I'll be waiting to hear from you. Meanwhile, you know where you can findme: back at the gym, dancing my way back to you.. |
“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” –Peace Pilgrim (1908-1981).
Thanks for posting this. It was hilarious the first time I read it, and is still just as funny today.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the works of Judy:
Judy Gruen is the author of three humor books and a regular humor columnist for several publications and web sites. Read more of her work on www.judygruen.com
Check her other works out!!
Happy Memorial Day!!
For those of you who aren't familiar with the works of Judy:
Judy Gruen is the author of three humor books and a regular humor columnist for several publications and web sites. Read more of her work on www.judygruen.com
Check her other works out!!
Happy Memorial Day!!
Jilliecats 
Thanks for putting that out there Jill....I was not taking credit for it.....someone sent it to me and there was no authors name on it either. Not my style to rip off others work!
“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” –Peace Pilgrim (1908-1981).
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