Whats wrong with me! What the heck am I doing?? Help!!

Right now I am soooo upset with myself! Disgusted actually. I feel like I climbed this slide with the support of all of you, my family, and my friends. Getting near the top and all of the sudden, I am left alone. I know I have you, that why I am posting. Lately I, as a lot of you know, have been trying to step out of my comfort zone, my "box", if you will. But the last few days have been so hard for me, emotionally. I am going through a lot with a friendship I want to let go, but I can't speak up and just do it. I am having troubles with my mom, my husband, and like everyone else, financial troubles. I am pre-op, and I have my surgery consult on Monday. I am trying so hard to be positive but I feel like doomsday. And thats really unusual for me.
Last night, and I don't want to admit this, but I have to say this, I ate a whole medium pizza. I mean WTH?!! I have been so good and yet now I am trying to sabatoge this? Why??? I am a survivor. I am a fighter. But, I am feeling so used and stepped on. I am the first person to say that you can't get used unless you allow yourself to be used. Am I putting out "vibes"?
My "friend" is going with me to San Diego for my consult. To support me? Oh, hell no! She's going because I have the car and she wants to meed a guy down there!! We are like Laurel & Hardy, she is the skinny one and I am the fat invisible one. Its a 17 yr friendship, that has gotten quite tangled. So when I say good-bye it won't be cut and dry. She is my nephews mom and my cousin's aunt. Lol, told ya! She says she is supportive, but only when its convient for her. Why do I still want her to go? Because, I feel so alone. Even if the real reason, she is there, isn't for me. I am willing to take the illusion, as thats all I have.
My husband is going, as well. To support me? Well, kinda. But he wants to either spend the night-- "with what money, honey" or "make sure we are home before Monday night RAW". Yup, the story of my life. Everybody supports with a condition. My mom is still against the surgery, saying "you can't stay with the restrictions afterwards, but hey, I love you!"  See what I mean!!
The neighbors even chime in!! "Oh, you don't need the surgery, Shell. You have lost this much, just have the willpower to do it on your own." Thats the one that hurts the most. The surgery only gives me the tool to do it on my own. I am not questioning myself, I know I will rock this tool and I will get to my goal. But this bend in the road has me a little "carsick", if you know what I mean.
Oh boy, this post is long. I am sorry. If you took the time to read it -- thank you. If you are able to respond -- I appreciate it very much.
I need to make it through these next two days, to at least see the surgeon. Then afterwards, I can only hope.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I really do care for each and every one of you. You have all giving me more support than I have ever known.

In Friendship,

Hi, Michelle,

First, don't be so hard on yourself;  it is not at all uncommon to be nervous and do a little "comfort eating".  Just pick yourself up and get back on the Pre-op Circuit.

Why are you taking anyone to the preop meeting?   This should be your time.  Unless you feel like having someone along for the ride, it seems as if  you could go by yourself.  Yes, your hubby should be involved just to make sure that he knows what to do to help you.

When it comes to "dumping" a friend, it might just be easier to let the "friendship" die a natural death instead of making a big deal out of it.  Just be busy when she calls to ask to do something together and eventually it will just peter out.  She'll find someone else to be her chauffeur.

The "oblivious hubby" stuff is just the way some guys are.  Not a lot we can do about it.  This is YOUR journey, not his.  Find out what you need to get yourself to where you want  to go and then go do it!

Good luck!

Thank you Lynn.

I just feel so bummed. Thank you for your advice. The double problem with my "friend" is that, I can't drive due to a vision problem. And since she lives in the same complex as me, she drives me to where I need to go. The consult on monday is in San Diego, I live in Hesperia. So thats approx 150 miles, I guess, actually IDK, lol. But anyway, I guess in a way its her being my "chauffeur", but basically on her terms. By that I mean that only if she wants to meet up with her man, and we are out, then she can take me. Otherwise, she finds an excuse to not to help. Just like on Monday, she is going cause she wants to support me (yeah, and meet another man), but she also wants us to drive from Hesperia to Moreno Valley to Fontana to San Diego. The detour to Moreno is about 20 miles out of our way. Its just to drop off her son.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to post a reply.

In friendship,

 

Michelle,

STOP, BREATHE, repeat!  :-)

I am going to give you some advice that my wonderful father gave to me (God rest his soul)...

Half the things you worry about never happen and the other half you can't control.  That being said, your girlfriend is who she is, you can't change her.  You can only decide how and if you want her to remain "your" friend.  You are in total control on that one.  You are giving her way too much power and control in your life!

Your husband is also who he is, but again, you can control whether you want him on "your" journey or not.  Your mother and neighbors are concerned about you having surgery probably because they don't understand the surgery, it's benefits and how life is afterwards.  I urge you to bring your Mother to a support group meeting or meetings so she can hear first hand from the people who have had the surgery.  They will tell her that this is not a miracle surgery but a wonderful tool to help you gain control of your life and your eating.  I can tell you first hand, it is empowering and a life changing event that has wonderful benefits if used correctly. I don't regret my decision to have the surgery for one second.  I wish I would have had the courage and the conviction to do it years ago, but I might not have been ready to make the changes I've made.

As far as eating a medium pizza, that was yesterday and this is today.  Let yesterday's event be but a memory and a reminder that food has been your comfort and in many ways controling you, but that You are in control if you choose to be or want to be. 

I gotta say, I've been where you are more than once!  I left a 25 year marriage, because I needed to make a life change and have now married the most wonderful man in the whole world.  In fact, I didn't think men like him existed!  I have two grown daughters who won't talk to me and they have my three grandbabies who I don't get to see.  If I allowed myself to get depressed I'd be a wreck.  I have come to realize I can't change my kids and I couldn't change my ex-husband, so I had to make the change.  I love my kids with all my heart, and would welcome them back into my life with open arms.  But I WILL NOT allow myself to be used any longer, been there done that, got way too many t-shirts!  I've asked God to take care of them as they are his children and guard them and pray that they may see the error of their selfish ways.  The message I have is love yourself, and see the value in yourself.  You have SO much to life to live and so much good to give.  Don't let others control you, take charge.

I hope I haven't rambled on too much, but I felt your pain and needed to convey that you are absolutely not alone in this journey.  We're here to support you in any way we can.  If you ever need to talk, just PM me and I'll give you my cell.

Lots of warm hugs,
Barb

Thank you so much Barb,

I do feel like I am alone sometimes. I appreciate your offer of talking, I will take you up on that. and in no way did you ramble on. I feel better after reading your post. I hope I can take the message that you have for me and learn to live it.

Hugs right back to you!
Have fun at the luncheon!

Michele
I can't add anything to Barb's post; she has said so eloquently what I wanted to say to you.  You are unique, God's own special creation....when you take care of yourself, you honor Him.  We are here for you and want to share your journey with you. No post is too long or unimportant....I offer the same connection as Barb: if you want a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk to...pm me and I'll send you my cell.  This journey can be an emotional circus ride...we all need support and encouragement..that's why this special group of people works so well....WE CARE!
{{{HUGS}}}
Nancy aka Sunray

Thank you so much, Nancy!

I really appreciate your special words.I guess, I just need to be reminded of the support that I find in here. I will definatley being sending you a PM. Thank you so much for your offer.

Hugs, love, & friendship,

 

Barb...you truly are an Angel    I hate to see someone in 'pain', struggling to find their way, and feeling so alone.  I wanted to lift Michele's spirits...but you have so eloquently said what I wanted to convey.  I am so proud and happy to call you my friend and my Angel ^_^
{{{{HUGS}}}}
Nancy aka Sunray

Nancy,

You're like my soul sister!  I was an only child so I have honorary sisters and brothers!

Ron so enjoyed Lonn, those two are two peas out of the same pod!

Hugs & love,
Barb

Hey Barb, I'm an only child too! =)