WTH is wrong with me?
I posted this morning on the surgery board, and I got some feedback, but now I want to ask you my friends, the ones that have been watching my journey for a while and if the ones that are returning would like to help. I would appreciate it. My delima is this:
I am scheduled to have surgery on July 31, which is great. I am so gung ho on this it isn't even funny. I want this so bad that I can taste it. Why then am I sabatoging it? I graduated my kaiser options class on May 11, at that point I waighted 234. The lowest weight I had been in a long time. I started to back slide after that because I wasn't being held accountable. When I went to the surgeon's consult on July 2, I weighed 255.5, a little more than 20 pds in a month! When I got the call on Thursday, July 16 I got the lecture don't gain any weight above what you weighed at the consult. I know I have gained weight since the consult. I feel it and I see it. Its probably up close to 10 pds. With surgery 13 days away! Have I done anything to change? No, not really. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me!!
I still have the no-no foods in my cupboards, I still partake of them. All this while I have the knowledge that I can't do that. I am supposed to be drinking a protein shake a day as a meal replacement. Do I do that? No, I end up just skipping that meal. I haven't had one in like 3 or 4 days now. I am supposed to take my vitamins. Do I do it? Well, I'm a wee bit better, but I still miss days. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I have talked to people about this, but I hate negativity. And I don't want to be the source of such negativity. I don't want a pity party. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just want to snap out of this mode that I seem to be stuck in. I am angry at myself, that I had come so far only to backslide once again. I am going through a bit of drama with a couple of "friends" and some family, but that would be an excuse. I am not one for excuses. I know I hold the power to what I allow to be done in my life, but for some reason, that I don't understand, I feel completely powerless. I am a strong, positive person. I don't need counseling, right now (outside of marriage conseling, but we are working on that, too). So if I have no excuses, nor am I giving up my choice, what the hell is wrong with me?
I was told that everyone goes through this. I do not find that to be true. I find that more often than not, people are estatic to recieve their tool and do anything in their means to work it and allow it to be a success before and after surgery. So, again I ask, what the hell is wrong with me?
I am reaching out to you, maybe you can give me some pointers on how to deal with this or you have gone through it yourself. I feel alone, upset, sad, and mad. I know my attitude is 3/4 of my success before, after, and during surgery. I am trying so hard these next 13 days. I have nothing but positive, successful, and supportive role models. It would devistate me if I let any of them down. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. A special thank you, if you are able to respond. I am sorry I took so much of you time.
I am scheduled to have surgery on July 31, which is great. I am so gung ho on this it isn't even funny. I want this so bad that I can taste it. Why then am I sabatoging it? I graduated my kaiser options class on May 11, at that point I waighted 234. The lowest weight I had been in a long time. I started to back slide after that because I wasn't being held accountable. When I went to the surgeon's consult on July 2, I weighed 255.5, a little more than 20 pds in a month! When I got the call on Thursday, July 16 I got the lecture don't gain any weight above what you weighed at the consult. I know I have gained weight since the consult. I feel it and I see it. Its probably up close to 10 pds. With surgery 13 days away! Have I done anything to change? No, not really. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me!!
I still have the no-no foods in my cupboards, I still partake of them. All this while I have the knowledge that I can't do that. I am supposed to be drinking a protein shake a day as a meal replacement. Do I do that? No, I end up just skipping that meal. I haven't had one in like 3 or 4 days now. I am supposed to take my vitamins. Do I do it? Well, I'm a wee bit better, but I still miss days. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I have talked to people about this, but I hate negativity. And I don't want to be the source of such negativity. I don't want a pity party. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just want to snap out of this mode that I seem to be stuck in. I am angry at myself, that I had come so far only to backslide once again. I am going through a bit of drama with a couple of "friends" and some family, but that would be an excuse. I am not one for excuses. I know I hold the power to what I allow to be done in my life, but for some reason, that I don't understand, I feel completely powerless. I am a strong, positive person. I don't need counseling, right now (outside of marriage conseling, but we are working on that, too). So if I have no excuses, nor am I giving up my choice, what the hell is wrong with me?
I was told that everyone goes through this. I do not find that to be true. I find that more often than not, people are estatic to recieve their tool and do anything in their means to work it and allow it to be a success before and after surgery. So, again I ask, what the hell is wrong with me?
I am reaching out to you, maybe you can give me some pointers on how to deal with this or you have gone through it yourself. I feel alone, upset, sad, and mad. I know my attitude is 3/4 of my success before, after, and during surgery. I am trying so hard these next 13 days. I have nothing but positive, successful, and supportive role models. It would devistate me if I let any of them down. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. A special thank you, if you are able to respond. I am sorry I took so much of you time.
Michelle T. 
OMG!
I am going to drive over to your house and drag you out of it and just slap you silly. shame on you my friend! Well now that is out of the way and I have slapped you, this is what I have to say.
What you are going through is normal. It is what us "FAT CHICKS" have done to ourselfs for the majority of our lives. When someone else is not telling us we are not good enough, we just tell ourselfs. When others are not rejecting us, we reject ourselfs. It is what we do! Is it right? Hell no
A wise person told me this a long time ago.....
If you pee your bed and you don't move, you don't get cold or uncomfortable. But the second you move (change your situation) it get gets cold and uncomfortable. Everything new is uncofortable, that is just the way it is. What this saying taught me is this...
You can sit in your **** (fat, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addiction, shopping addictions, gambling addictions, any addiction any bad habit or any bad situation) and you will be comfortable and know what to expect. Or you can decide that you no longer want to be in your stinky gross **** and do what you need to do to get out it. No matter how uncomfortable or painful it is.
You my dear, I know for sure do not want to sit in your stinky place, but your stink'n think'n is overwhelming you right now. Step away from that and focus on the goal. You know what you want, you deserve what you want and you will get there. You need to to grab a bag and get rid of the crap in your cupboards, make a protein shake while you are doing that. You will then take your vitamins (the ones that you have) with the protien shake and then you will pick up the phone and you will call me. I will then chew you out a little, tell you to come outside as I will come and get you so I can yell at you some more, and then hug you and tell you how special you are to me and how happy I am to have a friend like you. You can cry or you can laugh, and i will be there. But damn it get off this computer and do what I just told you to do, you have until 7:45 or I am breaking the door down.
signed,
Someone who cares
I am going to drive over to your house and drag you out of it and just slap you silly. shame on you my friend! Well now that is out of the way and I have slapped you, this is what I have to say.
What you are going through is normal. It is what us "FAT CHICKS" have done to ourselfs for the majority of our lives. When someone else is not telling us we are not good enough, we just tell ourselfs. When others are not rejecting us, we reject ourselfs. It is what we do! Is it right? Hell no
A wise person told me this a long time ago.....
If you pee your bed and you don't move, you don't get cold or uncomfortable. But the second you move (change your situation) it get gets cold and uncomfortable. Everything new is uncofortable, that is just the way it is. What this saying taught me is this...
You can sit in your **** (fat, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addiction, shopping addictions, gambling addictions, any addiction any bad habit or any bad situation) and you will be comfortable and know what to expect. Or you can decide that you no longer want to be in your stinky gross **** and do what you need to do to get out it. No matter how uncomfortable or painful it is.
You my dear, I know for sure do not want to sit in your stinky place, but your stink'n think'n is overwhelming you right now. Step away from that and focus on the goal. You know what you want, you deserve what you want and you will get there. You need to to grab a bag and get rid of the crap in your cupboards, make a protein shake while you are doing that. You will then take your vitamins (the ones that you have) with the protien shake and then you will pick up the phone and you will call me. I will then chew you out a little, tell you to come outside as I will come and get you so I can yell at you some more, and then hug you and tell you how special you are to me and how happy I am to have a friend like you. You can cry or you can laugh, and i will be there. But damn it get off this computer and do what I just told you to do, you have until 7:45 or I am breaking the door down.
signed,
Someone who cares
Dear Someone who cares,
Thank you, I did what you asked of me. and I appreciate your talk on the phone. I am glad that you live so close too. Your talk made me laugh and cry and maybe I just needed to do both. I am so blessed to have you in my life and the friendship that you offer. I am just so afraid of failure, because it isn't an option. I will do better, I promise.
Thank you, I did what you asked of me. and I appreciate your talk on the phone. I am glad that you live so close too. Your talk made me laugh and cry and maybe I just needed to do both. I am so blessed to have you in my life and the friendship that you offer. I am just so afraid of failure, because it isn't an option. I will do better, I promise.
Michelle T.
Yeah what Rhonda said!!! You are lie the rest of us so knock it off!! As we have had to do I must add! I will add to what Rhonda said and that is start going to youe supprt gruop meeting!!! If you don't have one start one. You have a great friend (Rhonda) to help you and I am sure she would be more than willing to help you there.
Drink the protein, take the supplements and go for a freakin' walk!! And put down that donut (or whatever junk you are eating)!!!!
HUGS
JOY
Drink the protein, take the supplements and go for a freakin' walk!! And put down that donut (or whatever junk you are eating)!!!!
HUGS
JOY
Joy,
Thank you for making me realize that I am not alone. You are so correct when you said I have a great friend in Rhonda, but I like to believe I have more great friends in the people who give me advice and tough love when I need it. You will be happy to know, I drank the protein, took the vitamins and walked outside. Thank you again!
Thank you for making me realize that I am not alone. You are so correct when you said I have a great friend in Rhonda, but I like to believe I have more great friends in the people who give me advice and tough love when I need it. You will be happy to know, I drank the protein, took the vitamins and walked outside. Thank you again!
Michelle T.
Hi Michelle:
You are very fortunate to have such a friend like Rhonda living close by for support and friendship. HOWEVER, you have to do this yourself. Yes, you are sabotaging (spelling??) yourself, and more than likely it is because you don't believe your deserve what you are getting. You are also scared to death that it won't work no matter what you tell yourself. Been there, done that, still do it to an extent.
You are putting an extreme amount of pressure on yourself. I know it is way easier said than done, but I suggest you break it down and take your life one hour/eight hours/a day/whatever you can handle easily at a time. When you go to grab that donut or whatever and tell yourself that you will never get to eat one of them again, know that this is not true! Get all the crap thrown out of your house if at all possible. I don't recall if you have kidlets or not, so you may have to keep some of the stuff.
If you get the urge to eat, take a time out and set the timer for 20 minutes. If you are still hungry after the 20, take a bite, just one bite, and set it for 20 more minutes. I am pretty sure that, if you even take the first bite, you wont take more than two bites. It just becomes not worth it.
If you want to eat, pick up the phone and call someone, anyone. Get online and, in my opinion, do not go to OH right away. It just puts food right on the mind and you are not able to get the instant support you need. I suggest going on to a site like TMZ.com or people.com, some type of celebrity gossip site if you like that kind of stuff. You can get lost in all that is going on, most of it is pretty ridiculous but it will probably refocus you from food to the stars.
The old standby of taking a walk around the block or to ???? can always work for you. Pick up a book.
I hope that some of these work for you. These were the most effective for me. I so understand what you are going through and just know that it will get better, but these feelings of cheating are going to be with you the rest of your life. If you do a bunch of work on them now and kind of learn to cope with the feelings, it will make is so much better for the rest of your journey.
Good luck to you!!!!!
Jillie
You are very fortunate to have such a friend like Rhonda living close by for support and friendship. HOWEVER, you have to do this yourself. Yes, you are sabotaging (spelling??) yourself, and more than likely it is because you don't believe your deserve what you are getting. You are also scared to death that it won't work no matter what you tell yourself. Been there, done that, still do it to an extent.
You are putting an extreme amount of pressure on yourself. I know it is way easier said than done, but I suggest you break it down and take your life one hour/eight hours/a day/whatever you can handle easily at a time. When you go to grab that donut or whatever and tell yourself that you will never get to eat one of them again, know that this is not true! Get all the crap thrown out of your house if at all possible. I don't recall if you have kidlets or not, so you may have to keep some of the stuff.
If you get the urge to eat, take a time out and set the timer for 20 minutes. If you are still hungry after the 20, take a bite, just one bite, and set it for 20 more minutes. I am pretty sure that, if you even take the first bite, you wont take more than two bites. It just becomes not worth it.
If you want to eat, pick up the phone and call someone, anyone. Get online and, in my opinion, do not go to OH right away. It just puts food right on the mind and you are not able to get the instant support you need. I suggest going on to a site like TMZ.com or people.com, some type of celebrity gossip site if you like that kind of stuff. You can get lost in all that is going on, most of it is pretty ridiculous but it will probably refocus you from food to the stars.
The old standby of taking a walk around the block or to ???? can always work for you. Pick up a book.
I hope that some of these work for you. These were the most effective for me. I so understand what you are going through and just know that it will get better, but these feelings of cheating are going to be with you the rest of your life. If you do a bunch of work on them now and kind of learn to cope with the feelings, it will make is so much better for the rest of your journey.
Good luck to you!!!!!
Jillie
Jilliecats 
Jillie,
Wow! Some of the points that you made, really got me to thinking. I can not cover up my fear with food anymore. Whats more important? Eating a bag of chips or lifelong success with WLS? I will definatly try some of the suggestions that you made. Thank you so much for taking the time out to respond. I really appreciate it and you! Have a fantastic day!
Wow! Some of the points that you made, really got me to thinking. I can not cover up my fear with food anymore. Whats more important? Eating a bag of chips or lifelong success with WLS? I will definatly try some of the suggestions that you made. Thank you so much for taking the time out to respond. I really appreciate it and you! Have a fantastic day!
Michelle T.
One of the important things I see your missing is the protein shake that they wanted you to take daily. There are a group of us that are many years post op that believe that before going into any type of surgery you really need to protein load on the shakes. why you ask? They help with promoting faster healing and less complications. Your body needs that protein. Some of us also believe in the shakes for the duration of our lives. That's an individual choice as some doctors believe you can get your nutrition from foods....I found that not to be my case or the case of some of my other RNY friends....
Remember what this is all about, remember what the carrot is that is dangling in front of you and ask yourself if you have the choice, which one would you make? the junk food or the carrot? It's hard. This whole journey is not an easy one for everyone. There is lots of physocolgical issues that go with this...
You should do good, you know what is happening and I know you can fix it...:)
Remember what this is all about, remember what the carrot is that is dangling in front of you and ask yourself if you have the choice, which one would you make? the junk food or the carrot? It's hard. This whole journey is not an easy one for everyone. There is lots of physocolgical issues that go with this...
You should do good, you know what is happening and I know you can fix it...:)
Women are angels.
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
Darlene
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
Darlene
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