Confessions of a Former Fat Girl

I don't know where else I can talk about this, or who else might understand. So here I go...

So I went on my whirlwind trip of Europe with a friend and in many, many ways she reminds me of a younger version of myself (I'm about 10 years older) and is also obese like I once was.

As the trip progressed I noticed a lot of her behavior was like mine before I had surgery. She didn't want to climb stairs in some of the churches and monuments we visited. When we ate lunch I was often grossed out by the amount of food she ate and the unhealthy choices. I had my fair share of treats too but I ate one piece of chocolate or a slice of pizza, not an entire candy bar or half a pizza. I began to share meals with some of the other people I was travelling with because they ate healthier.

I could tell that travelling with the extra weight was a burden for her. She would get tired in the afternoon and a few times even went back to the hotel to take a nap. I walked near the front of the group and ran up stairs while she lagged behind. A few times she said she just needed some sugar to wake up and it would gross me out to see her buy a sugary pastry or dessert. It was hard to wake her up in the morning. I often went on to meet our tour group for breakfast early while she was one of the very last to join us.

I got to go shopping with the other girls in our tour group and I was excitied to try on clothes in Europe that fit me. I saw her browsing around but I knew nothing was in her size so it wasn't a fun experience for her.

Towards the end of the trip a girl we were rooming with told off my friend for being lazy and messing up the shower routine when we shared a bathroom. I didn't say anything, but inwardly I was happy that someone finally told her something about sleeping in late and making it inconvenient to share a small space for everyone else.

As the days passed I found myself becoming more and more annoyed with her habits. Other people I travelled with noticed it too. I began to feel kind of guilty, all the things that I didn't like about her were all the things I once hated about myself.  I hated being the fat girl who couldn't keep up or didn't get noticed by the guys. (I know at one point she got jealous when a guy she liked in our group told her that he liked me!)  I felt like such a hypocrite, if anyone should understand what she was going thru it should be me!!!

So....I guess I became one of those who is mean to fat people. Have you ever noticed this about yourself? Do you judge or maybe avoid people who are fat because it reminds you of your former self?

Hi Monica,

I haven't been in the same situation as you, but I have found myself being very critical about what people are eating in front of me. It grosses me out to see what other people are eating, especially if it is bad choices and to excess. I have to remind myself that I once was like that, but I had a tendency to eat in secret. I would "binge" eat by myself because I didn't want other people to see me doing it. I don't think I avoid people who are bigger them me, but I do have to watch, as being a nurse, I take care of patients of all shapes and sizes.  I have been critical of there size, and again have to remind myself that, that used to be me, why am I judging them.  It isn't fun being reminded of what we were like, and I know now, that if I get grossed ou****ching what others eat ect...... I wonder, what did people think of me when I did the same thing or looked the same way.  It kinda plays with your head. If that makes any sense.
    I have a feeling that a few of my friends avoid me. One lives in my area, but I rarely see her. I am now smaller then her. We hang out sometimes, but it just doesn't seem the same as it once was. One other friend, who lives in another state, and I haven't seen in a few years. I keep trying to get her to confer on a good time for me to visit, but never get her pinned down on a time. I have a feeling that she doesn't want to see me. I am now much smaller then her, and she has struggled with her weight for a long time. Like I said maybe I am wrong about them, but who knows. I am still trying to get my head about this weight loss anyway. I am not sure I made much sense.

Hugs Eileen

Firstly, Monica, I just want to say congrats on your amazing success! It’s the kind of thing that inspires me& keeps me motivated. =)

I’m just going to share my take on this… I’m not speaking for anyone else….

Being a non-op, my journey is a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery slow process. Slower than it really should be. I’ve lost 94 lbs. over the course of 4 years, but there are still 76 lbs to go, so I’m kind of experiencing both sides of this at once. I’ve experienced a lot of the feelings you’re expressing. It’s difficult. No matter how much I told the outside world that I liked who I was and I was happy, being fat carried with it a lot of shame and self-hatred for me. That’s why I binged in private and then the guilt & shame reinitiated the cycle. When I find myself grossed out by someone's choices & habits, I have to remind myself that that’s where those feelings come from: looking at the old me and being so freaked out by the prospect of how easily I could be her again that I turn to disgust for comfort. And then I start to think about her and treat her the way I did myself. But, I didn’t treat myself like a person, like someone who was worthy of a good life. I deserved better then, and I deserve better now. I think about how far I’ve come, how hard I’ve worked and how unwilling I am to let myself treat me like anything less than a person ever again. By the time I get through all of those thoughts, the disgust is gone… all that’s left is compassion for someone who is probably feeling all the pain that I felt 4 years ago.

That’s my confession. Thank you for sharing yours. *Hugs*

"When I find myself grossed out by someone's choices & habits, I have to remind myself that that’s where those feelings come from: looking at the old me and being so freaked out by the prospect of how easily I could be her again that I turn to disgust for comfort."

BRILLIANT!!! Yes, that is exactly it!!  Thank you for your insight!

I understand how you feel Monica.  We go out to eat every Friday night with our group of friends.  I have cottage cheese or refried beans not much but a little.  I look at their plates and they eat so much and it does gross me out.  I then think how I used to eat just like them.  Of course they all are over weight except my friends husband.  He is tall and thin and can eat anything.  I have to remind myself that I was just like them, and if not for this surgery I still would be.  I do get tired of listening to them complain about their weight while they eat so much though.

I have also noticed that a couple of women treat me different ever since I told them I was going to have the surgery.  Of course they were really against me having the surgery and now I feel they have resentment because I have lost so much.  One of the women won't even acknowledge me at all.  I will say hello to her and she ignores me.  (Of course she is the heaviest in the group).  I just try to be very careful what I say and remember when I was one of them.  I feel I go out of my way not to make people feel bad.  When people apologize for eating in front of me I tell them that this is my choice and I would feel bad if they did  not enjoy their food.  But I do wish my friends would eat healthier.

 

I lost a friend after surgery who was overweight. She wanted to have surgery at one point but her husband at the time didn't want her to do it...(long story).  Anyhow, it took a while for things to play out and I saw her true colors.

I think for some people its painful to see you change, transform, be happy because it forces them to look at their own cir****tances from which they refuse to change.

Keep up the good work....

Hey Moni, it was great to see you and Mario today. You are cute together. In answer to your question, when I see heavy people, I'm not judgemental but sad. I think 'you know, there is something that can be done about it, if you want to do so'. I have friends (a married couple), she is about 350lbs and he is about 425lbs. When they found out that I was having WLS, they told me I was taking the 'easy' way out, but I don't see them making any attempt at becoming healthier and losing weight.

Hi Monica!  I liked your post and have experienced some of the same things to some degree. 

I do find that I get grossed out by what others are eating and how much and am saddened when they complain about how much they weigh or are gaining and the thing that makes me the saddest is that they don't, can't or won't do anything about it.  I see myself pre-this WLS journey, and that makes me sad too.  Its like looking in a (not-so)-fun-house mirror where everything is distorted.  

Sometimes its just overwhelming because I have another 110 lbs to lose to get to goal (unlike some, my goal is the recommended weight for my height and build) and while everyone says the you look wonderful I really don't want to hear it, sure to them it might seem great or easy or whatever, but to me its still a moment by moment struggle, even now. 

So I empathize instead, which is hardly a good head-space to be in. 

I do find myself staying away from others who are overweight like I was only because its physically and mentally painful for me to empathize with them and I am finding it difficult to hang with those who continue with bad habits... I am still so easily influenced...  but each second I just do my best to concentrate on keeping moving, taking care of myself and focusing on what I need to be doing. 

Hardly an easy task for an italian girl to put herself first before friends and family... when I am so accustomed to giving so much of myself and then replenishing the emptiness with food.  

Sometimes its just hard to keep it all in perspective and not be overwhelmed.  I often get mad when I see people who only had 80 lbs to lose and think that their journey is easier than mine... nothing new since I felt this way each time I went to Weigh****chers too. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that WLS affects us all differently and the fall-out (changes in our lives, activity, relationships, friendships and even our careers) manifests itself in so many individual good, bad and strange ways that we could not have expected.  Its like learning to live and redifining ourselves and our boundaries all over again.  I am learning that I don't have to be sorry for my chosen path and that Ive been set free from excuses and wanna woulda shoulda gonna's.  Ive always hated the phrase I am going to.. Now I just do it and feel good about what Ive done.

I was totally okay with who I was before WLS (just not the weight and health problems and mobility issues associated with it), but Ive found being smaller I don't have nearly the confidence I used to have - and the more I work through that the more I realize its because I am learning to live in a shrinking body and I am learning who the real me is now without the weight.  I am also learning that I can't "save" everyone or take on their pain.  I also cannot carry others.  And Im not sure Im really okay with all of this yet.

I still feel like my journey is just beginning.  Maybe when I am closer to goal or at goal and maintaining, I will have worked through all this confusing stuff more.

Thanks for sharing and posting.. and reading... Im not even going to re-read my post to see if it makes sense.. I, like you, needed to just post here and get this OUT! :)

Love & Hugs, Rachel