A Woman's Week at the Gym
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6: 00 a. m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! ! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie
my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me
that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if
God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds! ! !
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6: 00 a. m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! ! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie
my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me
that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if
God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds! ! !
“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” –Peace Pilgrim (1908-1981).
I was a little bit grouchy this morning. I had trouble sleeping this morning. But I have to tell you........this made my day SO MUCH better.
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