Disappointed in myself....

Ok... so here it is... January the 8th... I am so disappointed in myself it isnt even funny.  I was just told by my 3 year old "Mommy your big big big..."  I know its dumb to even let this bother me, but I cant help but beat myself up.  I do not want my little one to grow up with a fat mom.  Since my mom passed away in March of last year (2008), I have probably gained upwards of 20-30 lbs, I am actually scared to go to the doctor because I dont want the scale there to go passed the 300lb mark. I also noticed that of all the like 150 pictures I took on Christmas morning and over the holidays, I am not in one single one of them...How are my kids going to know I was even there?

        UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH @ MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

SOOOOO being that it is a new year and I still dont have a job in my field of work (economy BLOWS)... I am goning to break down go to the doctor, and try and get this ball rolling.....

Ok I vented... sorry for that... just need to get it out somewhere...

Jennifer,

Please don't be so hard on yourself.....it sounds like you have been through a lot in the last year.  I'm sorry about your Mother...

Be proud that you are getting back on the wagon and getting it going again!  You will and can do this! 

And I know about the picture thing......I am the picture taker in my house and sometimes I tease my husband on going on vacation by himself!  lol

Take care Jenn and my thoughts are with you!

Jeni

Well, just my two cents worth.  Let me tell you, first off you are trying to make postive steps.  Going to the dr to get the ball rolling.  You also need to find a support group to start attending before surgery.  For GODS sake quit telling your kids that you are big big big.  THey don't need to here hold much self loathing that you hae oer your weight.  Get to the dr, get on a program and move towards a goal. Start exercising with baby steps if that is all you can do.  Short walks not marathon just a walk.  get yourself out there for 15-30 minutes to start.  You will actually be amazed at how you feel.  As for your job I am no help there.  But if you heed my advice ans start with the baby steps you will do well.
Best wishes
Liz   

Jennifer . . . good for you for "starting the ball rolling" . . . Let me tell you I was over the 300 lb mark . . . and I wish I could have done this when my kids were 3 ... rather than when they were in their 20's (but STILL living at home - opps - I digress) .  . . this is the best thing you can ever do for YOU . . . and while it takes work and isn't a magic bullet . . . you will never regret the change it makes in your life!  Do your research - go to the doctor . . .and start the new year with a bang!

Hugs
Chris

Congrats on stepping up, taking responsibility, and owning this process!

This will be a great year if you make it one, and it all starts today!

Keep coming here, get the support, knowledge and abundant love we all find here, and don't beat yourself up, you are on the path now and thats all that matters!

Let us all know how it goes with the Dr!


Shells

P.S. I weighed 424 pounds when I had my first consult with my surgeon and I hadn't weighed myself in YEARS because I didn't want to see that number on the scale, but it didn't make it any less true, worry less about the number and more about getting yourself ready for surgery and the ride of your life!!!

Kids say the dardnest things don't they ... my very honest 7 year old used to ask why I was bigger than the other mommies ... I never had self esteem issues, but the fact that she seemed embarassed by me hurt really bad.  You've had a rough year, and when people with food and weight issues have rough times, they pack on the weight.  I'm not saying it's right, it just is what it is.  You are taking the first step in making a healthier you, CONGRATULATIONS you are here on this board talking to people who have both been there and done that and you are going to see your doctor to get the ball rolling.   That is a very brave thing.  Keep us posted on your journey!

Boy do I understand what you are saying.  I don't have any kids, but my two eyes, every morning hated myself, more and more.  I still don't like myself, but I do look better.  Check the profile.  It was when I hit 392 on a doctors scale and weighted 30 lbs more than my hubby that I put the skids on it all.  You can ask anyone one here, my first month I lost 34 lbs and thought I was done, of course I was wrong.  But now here I am 2 years out and I cannot for the life of me get my last 50 lbs off.  I feel like a failure everyday!  But you and I both are now moving in the right direction.  Today was day 3 of me taking a little walk with my 4 legged furbaby.  Me and my two sisters and one niece are all working on getting the weight off.  I WANT to do it and I will.  Turn around the head thoughts, look at yourself in a different light, and you will feel much better.  Kids are so honest, I don't know how many times in a store a kid would make a remark to their mommy on "the fat lady"  I always got in my car and cried.  One more thing, IF I CAN DO THIS, anyone can.  I have always been the person so envious of others who succeed in reaching goal weights, wishing I could do it, and now I AM that person, who actually can inspire someone without even meeting or knowing them.  So kick yourself in the arsh every morning as I do, get let together learn to love ourselves for what we are!

Big Hug,  Diane

While I applaud you for getting started on this process, please don't be so hard on yourself and take to heart what your 3-year old said.

I used to babysit to bring in extra income and one of the little girls came in when I was cleaning the bathroom one day (bent over the toilet) and said "Janeene......you have a big butt!"  I, of course, was crushed.  I'd known her mom since grade school so I told her what she said, not because I expected her to do anything about it, she was just a little girl after all, but because she was my friend and I felt HUGE at that moment.

She proceeded to tell me that her daughter told her she has a big butt all the time and she was a size 4.  So please don't take it too seriously.  Keep us posted on your progress with the surgery.