I need some advice....I am between a rock and a hard spot!!!

I feel like I’m all alone on this, my DH doesn’t understand or maybe he does and I don’t. I’ll tell you he is much better at touch love then me.   I have a 23 year old daughter that is a single mom of a beautiful little girl...but here is the problem. I co-signed and paid half the rent each month for a one bedroom apartment for her and her fiancée in Upland then he decided he no longer wanted to be a daddy and left the state…now he is in jail in Mississippi..(good place for him), but ever since then she has been going down hill and I feel like she is taking me with her.    In Aug she decided to move her and the baby up to Victorville to live with a friend…against my wishes. and it turned out not to be a good move…so in October she decided to move and we went to the apartment to get all her things and the girl and her family had stolen everything. We had to get the police involved and the only thing we got was the babies crib. I then went to yard sales and a very good friend on OH gave me a bunch of things for the baby…She then moved into a hotel for a month, until she found a room for rent in Ontario for $500 a month. Well, now my daughter told me Monday evening that the lady has given her till the end of the month to move out. They lady has decided not to rent the room any longer.   Here is where things get weird and I need advise…             Now she has found a one bedroom apartment for $500 Pomona, through a friend (his uncle), but she needs $250 for half the deposit she doesn’t have. She has asked to barrow it from me and her father. We told her no problem but I want to go with her to 1) see the place and 2) to check out the rental agreement. She said…"mom just trust me, I want to do this on my own so just give me the money". I told her I was not going to just hand over cash…well, now today apparently he has rented out the apartment, but he will have another one ready in three weeks so she said that he just needs a $500 deposit to hold it.    I just talked to her on the phone and I told her that before she gives him $500 without a key to make sure she signs a rental agreement and she said that he told her he would give her a receipt but there is not a rental agreement, yet. It’s not that I don’t trust her, but there are just so many scams out there.   Now, we just got into it over the phone and she said.."What do you want me to do, be homeless" and she said to delete her FU@# number and get out of her and my granddaughters life.   My stomach is just in knots. I just don’t know what to do.   Now don’t get me wrong..I love my daughter and she is a good kid..just I don’t know what to do and as a mother. This is REALLY hard on me.   I can’t talk to my husband because he get so mad and starts yelling…   Sorry for the rambling, but you guys have been there before and I value any advice you have….   Hugs, Michele

Oh Michele, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know these things are hard but I totally agree with you about asking to see the agreement and making sure she does not get scammed. A $500.00 lesson is a very expensive one to learn if it does turn out to be a scam and it is not like she will be out of the money, you will. I say stick to your guns on this one. Just give her some time to chill out she is just very reactive right now saying things that are hurtful to you. I know she does not mean them and  she will come to her senses on this. You have done so much for them already and I now you love them both very much. I know what you mean about the DH thing, they just don't get us on this one. I always say a mothers love is really different than the love of a father. Ours is totally emotionaly involved.  Hang in ther and I am praying for you.  Call me anytime you would like to call.. Love ya, Lori W

Wow.  This is hard.  I"m kinda there with my oldest son.  Just wants the money no questions asked and refuses to listen to advise or the words of wisdom.  My advice is to let her stew.  Don't give her the money without seeing the place, getting a rental agreement or something else in writing.  Everyone is so short of money these days and to just blindly hand it over on trust (she hasn't earned) is not the best thing. 

I know my son has been lying to me about what he's used the money for so now I'm at .....well, if you need money to pay your cell phone bill, give me online access to your account and I'll pay the bill.  When he refuses I tell him he's then lying and not getting any money.  I have had to instruct his grandmother to not give him any money either.

Hang tough.  As mom's we really want to help our kids out (it's that unconditional love kinda thing), but we need to trust our kids too.  When my other two call and ask for money I know they're not lying and will help them.  But when I hear the kid asks for $250 - $150 for the cell phone bill and $100 to go eating and drink with friends, I get pissed.

Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice (three, four, five, six times) shame on me. 

Hope this helps!  My advice is not to hand over the money.  She'll come calling.

Michele,
This has to be so hard for you.  I do agree with what Maureen is advising, and as hard as that may seem, it sounds like that's what you need to do.  May God give you the strength to get you and your daughter through this tough time.

*hugs*

Naomi

Michele,
I also say don't give any money without checking things out. And she will get over her fit she is throwing. Remember all of us at 23 thought we knew everything, lol. But if this place falls through, I THINK my mom has a room for rent, she lives in Ventura, so I don't know if that is an area close to where your daughter would live. PM me if you want to know more, and I will find out for sure from my mom!

Stay strong!

I think your husband is right and you guys should present a unified stand otherwise your daughter will continue to make unwise choices. Sometimes the best gift we can give is the gift of saying NO.

Your daughter knows that you don't want your grandchild to suffer. Your daughter knows that you love her and your grandchild. Your daughter also knows that she can manipulate you by using your love for her and her daughter. That's one reason I think your husband is right in this case. If you decide to give her the money please stand firm in wanting to see the apt. to see the rental agreement and to meet the owner/manager. Also, make sure to set boundaries i.e. this is the last time we are giving you money for an apt, etc. It is very important to set boundaries or her behavior will continue.

Be strong, Michele because it is in your daughter's (your granddaughter and your) best interest that you do. It may be difficult, but be firm. You have done a lot to help and your love and devotion is without question.

Sorry you have this turmoil...  just a brief point that stood-out to me.

 "mom just trust me, I want to do this on my own so just give me the money."

I would point out to her that obviously she's isn't doing this on her own if she needs $250 from you - and, thus you have the right to be a part of the transaction as you see fit.  If she were truly doing this on her own she wouldn't need your money.

Wishing you the best with whatever decision you make.
- Patty



 

Michele...i am sorry you in this in spot, but bben there many times i have a 21 and 23 year old, i had to finally put my foot down and say no more, i was so gullable(sp) my DH kept tellimg me what was going on and i didnt see it, but after almost loosing my marriage, i finally seen the light of day, they have got to grow up,make right choices, and take responsibility, 23 y.olds today are not what we were at 23, be strong, i k now it will hurt.....its called Tough Love......melissa

I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but we are going thru the same thing with our 23 year old.  We finally told him that doing it on his own included saving up the money for the deposit on his own.

You could offer to pay the money directly to the rental manager, that way you would know for sure there is an apartment available and that the money was paid directly to him.

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS …..THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH….EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU MADE ME CRY!!!! YOU ARE ALL SOOOOO WONDERFUL!!!!!   YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH BETTER I FEEL AND HOW MUCH STRONGER I HOPE I CAN BE.   BIG HUGS!!!!    THANKS AGAIN…MICHELE