OT: Need Some Sister/Brother or Motherly/Fatherly Advice

Cali Friends,

I am reaching out here because I truly am at a loss.  Lulu did a posting last week which was entitled "Something to think about" for which I am so glad she did. I was able to unload a huge burden which continues to weigh so heavy on me each and every day. I pray on it every day but don't yet have the answer.   If you have a moment please read that post and you will understand the story.

Everyone was so wonderful with giving Michele some fabulous and honest advice and I hope you will do the same for me.  This subject is tough to approach with my hubby and friends, as they have seen me cry too many times and seen the hurt my children have caused by their cutting me out of their lives.  My husband, his family and my closest friends are very protective and guarded on my behalf and God bless them for being this way.  I was an only child, and my cousins who I am close to feel very caught in the middle.  My mother and father both passed away in 2001, my step mom feels caught in the middle (and she is) and I just don't know who to turn to.

My Step Mom called me last evening and shared with me that my oldest daughter had twins on Thursday.  I don't know more other than it's a boy and a girl, I know their names and they weighed in at about 3lbs and ? ozs. As I mentioned in Lulu's post, I was excluded from their wedding last May and I honestly have no idea why.  Once she was finished with college (that Ron and I paid half of) she stopped talking to me for reasons unknown to me.  I have heard that her new husband's biological mother had left him and his siblings with his Dad when he was very young and that he has no contact with her whatsoever.  While I left my ex, it was when my children were much older, I was very active in their lives and continued to be until they stopped "needing me" which truth be know was more life "using me."

In the past, I had left voice mail messages,  have sent cards for birthdays, holidays up until about 2 years ago as I heard nothing.  In fact, I tried to send a letter than was returned.  As I have heard Dr. Phil say, "How's that working for you?"  It wasn't working for me, it just broke my heart when I would hear nothing, never receive a card or a call, so I had to stop for my own sanity.

I can honestly say, I don't know why they stopped talking to me.  Their father is very much this way, he will ignore someone rather than deal with the issues.  This was one of the very reason why I had to leave him. Plus the fact, he found relationships elsewhere, mainly at work.  I know he continues to buy their love with money, gifts, stuff.  I can't afford to compete with that, plus I don't think that is a healthy, mutually respectful way to do things.

The advice I seek is... I so dearly want a relationship with both my kids, I don't have an address for one (and I doubt that my Step Mom would give it to me without clearing it with her and again that puts her in the middle.)   That daughter has my grandson who I have not seen in almost 2 years and I miss him SO much.  All the gifts that I had bought for him, they left behind when they abruptly left our home when we were giving them free room and board.  That hurt so much.

I would love to send something for my new grand babies to try to get things started with my other daughter and her new husband but I don't know how it would be received or if it would simply be returned to me.  They didn't include me in their wedding, so I don't think they would welcome me now.

I am at a loss.  My heart is so torn with what to do.  I cry but try not to let Ron see, because it hurts him to see me this way and he resents them for doing this to me.

I would welcome any advice you might have and I so thank you for listening and being a part of my life.

Always,
Barb




 

Good morning Barb,
What a sad situation. My heart goes out to you. I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio and I hear these kind of calls often. There is always some deep unlying issue that she helps people to bring out and see for themselves why they are in the situation they are in. Perhaps a phone call to her? She can be abrupt and even rude at times, but I think she does it for a reason, to help people understand. She doesn't beat around the bush. I like her advice (most of the time).

God bless and I hope you do get to see your grandchildren soon. That has got to hurt terribly.

Nancy

Nancy,

Thank you for your reply.  I have never heard Dr Laura but I will have to listen in to her.

Many thanks for your prayers and your response.

Barb

You are welcome Barb. Go to www.drlaura.com. There is a link on the left called "where to hear"; it will tell you when she is on the air in your area.

God bless,

-Nancy

Barb,

I  am very proud of you for your honesty.  All you can do at this point is put out your hand.  Understand it may get bitten a few times before it is held.  But with honest persistance and prayer, and God's amazing Grace it will be held if it should be. I can see you have love for your children and your grandchildren or you would not be as upset as you are.  I maybe a dreamer, but I believe Love always prevails.  You will continue to be in my prayers.

Rhonda

Rhonda,

Thank you so much for your honest and tough reply.  I know the issues and have acknowledged them and have no problems looking at my flaws and have done so many times in counseling.  I have appologized to both girls about my decisions in leaving their Dad, several times.  I told them that I was very sorry for the hurt that my decision had caused them but that I love them and will always love them.  I don't regret my decision for one minute, other than I miss my girls and now my grandchildren so much and being part of their lives.

It does feel right to send her a note and a gift.  It will break my heart if she doesn't repsond and I think this is what I fear the most.

Hugs and thank you so much, it means more than you will ever know.

Barb

Rhonda said it better than I could have. You're the parent, you need to keep reaching out. You may never hear from your children otherwise.

My best to you,
Kim

Thank you Kim. I appreciate your response and kindness.

Barb

Barb, I agree with Rhonda on this one.

Wishing you the very best.

HUGS
JOY

Joy,

Thank you for your reply, very much appreciated.

Barb