OT: Need Some Sister/Brother or Motherly/Fatherly Advice

Barb,

I am so sorry for your hurting.. My kids are 10 and under and I can't imagine living with out them for one day.. Divorce is hard, this I know (My parents were married and Divorced I think 3 times) It is never easy to loose the ones you love, and although hard on your children yes, I don't think maybe that is the complete reason they stopped interacting with you.. There must be something else there. When I was a little girl I was angry, but when I became an adult, I knew, and was able to understand that not all marriages work, and it is not because the parents didn't love YOU, they just couldn't love one another the way they once did, and knew that it would be better to live apart then in a relationship that they were unhappy in.. I am not sure how old they were when you left their father, but I am pretty sure that they understand NOW why you had to leave..  Like I said, I personally don't think that may be the problem, but that is just my opinion given the information I was given.  If she was so mad at you for leaving her father, then why did she talk to you and have a relationship enough to get you to pay for half of her college??  I think there is something that happened during that time, and that is why she has distanced herself from you..  Like Rhonda said, I know that it is hard to look at what your hand in this is, and what you may have done wrong, but it is necessary to do so in order to put your family back together..

As for fighting for your kids.. I can't tell you what to do, you have to do what  YOU feel comfortable with, but as for me, I would NEVER stop fighting to be a part of my children's lives. It is hard, rejection is never easy, but they are your babies and grand-babies, they are WORTH fighting for..

I am sorry you have so much pain, and I pray that I don't come across to harsh..

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. And I hope things work out for you.

Lots of Love & Hugs,
           Jenn

Jenn,

I thank you for your response, your honesty and prayers.

Hugs,
Barb

 Wow.  I would be terribly mad.  How dare my children treat me like that.  They have problems if they cant see what a great person you are.   

Shame on them.

Emily

Emily,

I thank you so much.  I grew up with my Mom who divorced my father when I was a year old.  She remarried and divorced when I was in Jr. High.  Regardless of my parents differences, I could never imagine treating either of them disrespectfully or losing them from my life.  While I have no recollection of my parents living together, I remember the good times that each of them gave me in their lives.  I have such problems understanding why my children refuse to remember all that I had done for them in their 15 and 19 years and just focus on the negative.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask why and feel such emptiness in my heart.

I thank you for responding, it means so much.

Hugs,
Barb

 Hi Barb,

I don’t know if I am a good person to be giving any advice, but like you said..You know the issues and have acknowledged them.   First, I have to ask how old were your girls when you left their father?  I know it is very hard on a child when parents split up, but know that your daughter are married and have children of there own they will come around.  I would send you daughter card and a gift for your new grandbabies and maybe in the card you can mention things that have happened in your life and how much you miss her and how your life just has not been complete with out your daughters.

As you said in your post to me…"The tough love is very hard on the parent but it's best for the child if we ever want them to be able to stand on their own.

Good luck and I will keep you in our prayers!!!

Hugs, Michele

Michele,

Thanks for taking the time to respond, your insight and your suggestions.  My girls were 19 and 15 at the time I left their father. 

I think what's hard for me is that I thought if I gave them space they would want to reconcile.  At this point, I feel like I have been used (one for college tuition and the other for room and board when they moved back from out of state.) What I find is that they are like their father, they would rather ignore the situation than to try to talk it through and this is very painful.  I would love nothing more than to sit and talk things through. 

Thanks again,

Hugs,
Barb

Hello Barb:

Let me give you a different perspective, one of the child who is estranged from her mother.  My mother has always been very controlling and I just went along with her until 2 years ago or so.  I finally got up enough nerve to tell them I was an adult (a 40 year old one at that) and they (mom and dad) were not going to control me any longer.  It was so bad, they tried to dictate who I could be friends withalong with numerous other things.  They tried to control with their money too.

My mother said very mean and hateful things to me and I will never ever forget what she said.  Once you say hateful things, you cannot take it back. 

Now I stay away from my mother.  My dad came around and no longer tries to control me so I do speak to him.  If my mother happens to answer the phone when I call my dad, she hangs up on me.  My dad then calls me back.  I have not accepted any financial support from them in over a year.   

That being said, I do not withhold my kids from seeing their grandma and grandpa.  Honestly, sometimes I feel like it just to make her hurt, but I realize I would be stooping to her level if I withheld my boys from them.

The sad thing is my mother still hasn't learned.  She has sstarted the controlling behavior with my boys.  She buys them things and then she always has strings attached.  My boys areaware of these tactics.

My mother is too stubborn to ever apologize to me.  I have made my peace with the situation and realize there is nothing else I can do about the situation so I just don't talk to her.

I  have no idea what happened between you and your girls but I thought you might benefit from hearing a "kids" point of view.

Good luck and I wish you the very best and hope you can get through to them.

With love,
Jillie

Jillie,

I am SO sorry that you have a controlling mother and that it continues to be this way for you and your children.  I can't begin to imagine what you and your children have gone through, being spoken to disrespectfully, hurtfully etc.  I thank you for responding from a "kids" point of view. 

My mother (who was my very best friend)  raised me to be an independent woman and I feel I did the same with my children with one exception.... when they were growing up, instead of allowing them to fall and pick themselves up, I would try to make things right for them.  I always told my girls no one gives you lessons on being a parent, you learn as you go and you do the best that you see fit.

I so appreciate you taking time to respond.  I will keep you in my prayers that things might get better.  But I have learned you can't change people, they will be who they are.

Hugs and love and many thanks,
Barb

I wish I had some words for you, I don't have kids, and when I hear things like this I am surely glad I don't have to endure this kind of pain.  I do have a family member that does receive alot of things from me, money and other stuff, and I just keep giving.  This weekend, she walked out of my birthday party because she didn't see my face when I opened her gift, pardon me there were nearly 60 people here, how was I too know.  Anyway today she said "Goodbye to me".  Know what, I don't care, well I do, I spent the morning crying, because I am getting blamed for this stupid issue.  I returned her gift today and as far as I am concerned I don't care.  Will save me money in the long run.  No more clothes, food, money for the house, nothing.  I am done being taken advantage of.  Sure it hurts, but it's tough love time for her too. 

I don't know how this would relate to you, but I think somewhere in there is a message for you too.

I wish you the best, and I know that God never gives you more than you can handle, and that trusting in him and prayer really does help.

Hugs, Diane

Diane,

I am so sorry you had to go through this and geez on your birthday no less.  How crappy is that.  I hear you on being taken advantage of, I know what it feels like to be a door mat, but like you I'm done.  I will make sure there are boundries going forward.

I have prayed on this whole thing for a while now, and I have decided to make a couple of baby blankets and send them along with a note letting her know that I miss her being in my life.  Hopefully, she will appreciate them and this may open the door, then again it may continue on the slippery slope it's been on for the last 3 years and she won't respond.  I have to plan for the worst and hope for the best in an effort to protect my feelings too.

I know God has a plan, he just hasn't releaved it yet.

Thanks again for your kindness.

Hugs,
Barb