OT: Need Some Sister/Brother or Motherly/Fatherly Advice

Barb,
Just wanted to send some hugs your way. 
Lola

Lola.,

I've missed seeing you and thank you so much for the hugs.  Much appreciated and I thank you.  Hope all is well in your world.  You are thought of often.

Hugs,
Barb

Barb,
I just wanted to say that I have had a dicey relationship with my father most of my life. He made no attempt to be an active part in my life until I was about 25. About that time he started a relationship with an amazing woman. She encouraged him to keep in touch with my sister and I. For the first time I can remember he actually gave a damn. I didn't know what to think. I was scared to death to get close to him because I was afraid that as soon I let myself care again I would be hurt. It took a long time to learn to accept his lack of feelings as a kid I did not want to do it again. My husband (boyfriend at the time) encouraged me to give it a try. He told me if something was to happen would I be able to forgive myself if I shunned this opportunity??? So I gave it a shot and had 4 years were we had more contact than in the 25 years prior. Sadly he and the woman parted ways and I went months without hearing from him. He has since moved into the area and I see him about once every 5-6 weeks now. My father says and does things regularly that cut like a knife He is much closer to my sister than me. My husband holds me while I cry because of something that he does way more than he should need to.

Through all of this, whenever my father says or does something that hurts, my husband reminds me that what hurts me may have seemed innocent to him. My husband says that sometimes the way I perceived the situation is different that he intended. So not that it makes it ALL OK I at least can step away and understand that maybe he didn't mean to be as thoughtless as he was.

So I am thinking that whatever happened to have your kids upset, it very well could have seemed like nothing to you but something huge to them. I am certainly not justifying their callous behavior but trying to offer the insight that somewhere along the line something had to have happened, and that that something was likely perceived differently by them than it was by you.

I would suggest writing a letter to both of them and telling them exactly how you feel. Tell them that you want a relationship with them and your grand-kids. Explain that you are not sure what went wrong but would like the chance to talk about it. Put it all out there but be prepared that opening these "wounds" can be tough. Be prepared to have salt poured in them so to speak. Just in case. But don't give up...keep trying every so often. Family is too important!

I wish you the best and will pray for you and your family. Congratulations on the new grand-babies!

Tami

ETA I still maintain contact with his ex. She is amazing and really paved the way for a relationship with my day...

Tami,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.  Yesterday, I bought material to make the grandbabies blankets.  I will send along a heartfelt note and then I just need to sit back and see what happens.  I have ALWAYS been there when they asked, and in fact been taken advantage of in the process.  I know that I do need to set some boundries as well, as I don't want to become the doormat that I think they sometimes expect. I do know their father continues to just pay and pay and pay.  I can't and won't compete with that and I don't think it's healthy besides.

I can't give up, but I gotta tell you it hurts when I get no response.  We'll see, and what will be will be.

Thanks again and hugs,
Barb

Barb,
I am glad to see you are making blankets for the babies. I loved blankets for my kids. I truly hope that you and your kids can work through this. I know it can be a very painful process and I wish you the best. I agree that you need to have boundaries and not be a doormat. It is sad that their dad "buys" their love and that they let him buy it.

I hope that you all can mend this relationship or that you can find the strength to move on and live your life to the fullest...

Tami