3 years post...loosing control

Ya know, it's almost 2 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I'm scanning the web for, oh I don't know...just some hope I guess. I'd put on an another 10 lbs this summer as some of you know, and I thought that was it...I was really feeling confident in my ability to eat right....I do everything else the way I'm supposed to....I take all my vities, exercise on a regular basis...but I just can not get my act together with the food. I wish I could understand how to stop the insane desire. I love to eat more than anything (ANYTHING) else in this world, and it is the single most thing I need to limit. I guess I'm looking for a way to turn "it" off...this one track mind of mine...I half drive myself insane with my eating plans. My plan changes weekly, and more often daily....oh I'm going to eat only four 400 calorie meals (oops had an extra 700) well ok, I'll cut out sweets...oops, ate a brownie...OK, then I'll limit myself to one sweet a week...oops, ate some cookies, OK two times a week...well I'll just eat whatever I want, but in moderation (Puuuuleaase!) ....etc etc and so on....I can hardly stand myself sometimes when I get all that chatter bumbling through my mind constantly...I need God to reach down and take control of the driving wheel for awhile or something...I just can not do this!!! I know that if I loose all control and gain back bunches of weight, that that will be it...my last chance at ever beating obesity. Tomorrow is Monday, and I will start AGAIN...philosophy of the week (or day more likely) is to trick the fat girl (I've recycled this one a few times)...going to try to eat A LOT of really low calorie foods, and trick myself into thinking I'm not being deprived (that will work just long enough until I want something like a piece of pizza instead of a giant salad with low cal dressing...then I'll kick into, OK no sweets mode) I'm sorry for rambling and I'm sure I'm embarrassing myself...I am just so afraid that I'm at the beginning of the end of my life as an average size person....I'm so afraid of going back to hell. OK, the clock is chiming 2:00....I better scadoodle off to bed...

Do you remember what it was like at the start of your journey? Have u ever tried to go back to basics that was given to you when u first had your surgery? I just had my surgery a couple a weeks ago, so I guess it could seem easy for me to say seeing how I have little appetite now. I just hope u find your way back to the original reason u had the surgery. It all boils down to having balance in your life. Just reading your post makes me wonder if the same will happen to me some where down the line but then I remember this surgery is only a tool and it's still up to me to work this tool to my advantage. I pray some other people here can offer u some support and guidance. Good Luck Aisha

Hi Kimberly, First I want to say hi, nice to meet you...so hi, nice to meet you! Second, you did a really good thing by posting this and letting some of that chatter inside your head out instead of having it flying around in there with no place to go. Aisha makes a very good point, listening to a brand new shiny post op can really drive the point home that sometimes it really all boils down to basics. As I read your post, I see all that "Gotta go on yet ANOTHER diet" mentality. The endless switching of plans and philosophies. I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Go and take a look at your profile. Who is that woman in the before picture? She surely doesn't look like the woman in the work in progress photo! The other woman is the one who bought every magazine that came out that week secretly hoping that the diet printed in it's pages would be "The One" She has the Monday Morning Dieter Syndrome etc. That's not you anymore. Of course she will always be a part of who you are and where you came from, but she's not YOU. She's screaming at you from inside your head right now saying "What about me? " but you are the one driving this train, remember that. You aren't summed up by your past failures ( real or percieved ) My advice would be to take this problem and break it down into small, handleable parts instead of looking at it as one HUGE " OMG I am gonna be such a failure at this" Seriously look at the foods you are buying, stop bringing brownies or cookies into the house. You would have never done that as a new post op. Have a talk with your family or who ever lives with you and explain to them you feel the need to get back to basics and build on all you have accomplished...and you have accomplished ALOT! Start food journaling again in earnest. Get rid of all those Trick the fat girl thoughts and plans, you never tricked her in the past, all you did was manage to give her power and control over your every waking moment. Take the power back. I'm not big on organized religion, but definitely see myeslf as spiritual and believe in something greater than myself...you wanted God to reach down and take control for awhile...He already did...if you are so inclined to believe looking at it this way, maybe it was through His guidance that you were able to accomplish the surgery in the first place? Without opening a political can of worms on the board or offending anyone's beliefs, I say guided because I believe we are free to make our own choices in this life good or bad. Maybe once again He intervened to "Guide" you to making the post you just did instead of keeping the struggle all inside you. I'm sorry my reply is so long and involved. I just feel the need to tell you that it really can boil down to something as simple as Aisha said. Get rid of all those plans of attack, have good chices available to you for making meals,stop buying danger foods, go take a walk, keep a journal of everything you eat again, and most of all, go see the other girl in that picture and tell her nicely that you understand if she feels the need for control, but that those days were over as soon as you climbed up on that table. Find a support group, go there and seek out posties that may be able to identify with where you are right now. Good luck to you, Linda

((((((((((((((((((((Kimberly))))))))))))))))))))))))) Glad you posted. Dianne

Kim, I have only met you as you are now. Wow!! You have really come such a long way girl. You should be so proud of yourself. Take a good look at your accomplishments. I hope you can get hold of this food demon now while it's still fresh. Start logging your food again into a journal. Go back to the basics thst you practiced the 1st 6 months after WLS. Protein 1st. Quit trying to sabotage yourself by buying the brownies and other sweets. Try to stay positive & focused. Is there something going on in your life that you are anxious about? We'll be here to try to help you through the tough part. Hang in thre. We care. ((HUGS)) Elissa

Hi Kimberly, I'd like to first commend you for having the courage to even admit that you feel out of control and need to get back on track. Admiting you have a problem and need help is the first step to making changes and I believe you will be fine. Also, remember that this wonderful surgery is only a TOOL for us to loose and keep the weight off and that we MUST be committed to eating the right foods, taking our daily supplements, exercise, etc. Its definitely not the quick fix that soooo many people believe it is. I'm currently 11 months out and have lost 162lbs to date, but believe me I have to fight everyday to eat the right foods. Not because I'm hungry, but because those urges to munch have come back. So because I now have these urges, I made my decision to have the snacks around that will keep me on the right path. My daily diet consist of ALOT OF PROTEIN and veggies, but I also eat SF Jello, Puddin, Applesauce, Fruit, Cottage Cheese, and Low Fat Prezels, as my snacks if I just have to have them. I'm not trying to encourage you to keep eating unhealthy foods, but it you feel that you must have something sweet, try the Sugar Free Cookies, candies, etc. and make that a rare treat. My friend loves the SF stuff, although I can't tolerate it because I dump on it. You don't want to eat too much of that either though, because although the sugar isn't there it doesn't mean they are low fat or low calorie. So keep that in mind and use it in moderation. I hope things will get better for you, you've come too far to turn back now. Think of all your success after having the surgery and DON"T GIVE UP! HANG IN THERE!!!!

Hi Kim, I can certainly feel your pain. I am exactly where you are, but I fell off the wagon at only 7 months out. I don't know what to tell you, other than you are not alone. I wake each morning saying this will be the day that I start new, then within hours, I'm back to old stuff. Some people *****ad this will shake their heads and say "how can you do this to yourself", others do care and will try to help. You never know how someone truly feels until you've been in their shoes. I don't know how to help you as I am desparately still searching myself. I feel exactly as I did pre-op. I know what I am supposed to be doing, but I just can't. I've gained 9 lbs in the last 6 weeks, I am hungry all the time, and can eat a ton of sugar and whatever I want. Most of us wonder if we will be the one this surgery doesn't work for, and I certainly did. Now I know that I am in that percentage, then again, I kind of always knew, I've never succeeded in anything. I'll pray for you as well as myself that we can find the path. I didn't have the courage to post my struggles as you did, so I give you lots of credit. (although now everyone will know huh?) Pls email me if you want to brainstorm or just cry together. Best of luck. T

Kim - I almost cried when I read your post. I can feel your pain. This is a struggle, I'm still a newbie and I have hunger pains..every day! So, yes, I understand a bit of what you are going through. I make myself do my food journal daily, because it helps keep me honest. I have taken a pinch of cake or cookie or just a small teaspoon of ice cream..and surprisingly, that has been enough of the 'junk' food to satisfy me. It's the OTHER foods I am struggling with. I'm hungry and I eat (4-5 oz, 'cuz lets face it, I can't eat more than that now), but 2 -3 hours later, I'm ravenous! Or I eat and for whatever reason, it upsets my stomach, but still 2-3 hours later, I want to eat again. I'm getting through this and doing what I do best, by talking to my new 'family and friends' who are supportive as all get out. We have to remember, that we are all in this together. You came to the boards for support and I hope that we can provide it for you. Please, feel free to call me, my number is listed. I know you can do this, the 'fat girl' doesn't live there anymore - kick her out and get back to positive thinking, I KNOW you have it in you. I'll be praying for you and hoping for the best. Take care, Valerie

Kim, I just want to say I agree with Valerie and the other postee's, we're all in this together. We may have different struggles, but nonetheless we're all trying to achieve the same goals LOOSE WEIGHT AND KEEP IT OFF. Yes, we've all had the surgery and yes in the begining no matter what we do the weight will come off, but in the end of it all, we're still going to have to fight hard to stay away from those old bad habits we've had in the first place. So I say, starting today, right now, that we all make a pact to not beat ourselves down for not doing all the right things, but strive to do better and keep remembering the great accomplishments we've all made in deciding to have the surgery. If anyone has great meal plans, recipes, or just anything that would be good food for thought, shout it out! I think we can all overcome this battle of the bulge together!!!

hello, this is your AUNT speaking.. ya know, the one you supported through her own weight loss surgery journey. the one who was scared to death and you calmed her down. the one whose hand you held...go back and remember all the wonderful things/ideas you shared with me just a few short weeks ago.. you've fought a long hard battle, kim, and you've done such an incredible job. don't give up on us now!! we need you!!! please stop and take a look at how far you've come. feel the strength and courage that i know is deep down inside you. you are one strong and courageous woman and i, as your aunt, are soooooo very proud of you!!!!! you've been through it all, girl.. you can make it through this--i know you can...let's get together (before next weekend)...let's talk.. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!