OT:Father in law issues (will be long)

I don't really know where to start. My father in law is now 63 and in fairly decent health. I guess I should start with Adam is from Trenton Ky, Todd County. His family is still in that area. Hopkinsville, Elkton, Pembroke, etc. His dad was from down there. Back in Oct 05 he retired. He had a small part time job for the city, he had worked for a farmer most of his life. He lived in a house on that farmers land. Well when we moved over to this house in July 05. Adam got the bright idea that when his dad retired that Oct he'd move him up here. I wasn't thrilled with that idea for any number of reason which most likely I'll get into before this post is over. I tend to talk too much and beat around the bush too much. I really need to learn to stay on track. Well, his dad retired Oct 05. He also within a month or two of that was put on disability. He has diabetes, he's on blood thinners, blood pressure meds, etc. He might not be as healthy as some but he's not as disabled as some either. He gets around really good and still drives. I honestly don't know why he's disabled other than the diabetes. I haven't really heard them say why the dr proclaimed him disabled but he did. Thats beside the point. The point being. Adam talked his dad into buying a travel trailer (a huge camper) and sitting it up on our land. They got all the correct permits and put him up here 12/05. He's been in our back yard ever since. He refuses to get out and go anywhere unless we take him. I make all his dr appts, do his bookwork (he can't read or write or so he says), do his laundry, take him anywhere he needs to go. He's over here all the time unless Adams not home. Its killed our privacy. I didn't want him moving up here to begin with. But Adam is hard headed. I tried to tell him that taking Pop (his dad) away from his hometown, family and friends down there was not a good idea. He has no life up here. Adam mentioned the other day that he wanted his dad to be able to enjoy his retirement. Well how the heck is he supposed to do that sitting out there in his recyliner 24/7? I don't mind taking him to the grocerys, the dr, whatever. But I do mind that we HAVE to take him. Does that make sense? Since we do everything for him I'm afraid he'll start to feel like he can't do anything and that he's useless. He spent last week down in Elkton with his sister and her family. I talked with them the other day after he came back up here. They said he was so happy to be back down there and be able to get out, drive around to all his friends and familys to visit. Just to be back in his hometown. He has a little pick up truck he just flat refuses to get out up here. He uses the excuse that he can't read and that Etown is so much bigger than where he's from. To me Etown is a small town but I was raised here. If someone took me to Hopkinsville I'd be lost. Now I don't think anyone could get lost in Trenton or Elkton, they give small towns they're name. I love them both. I'm a small town girl which is why I'm glad Etown isn't any bigger than it is. Ok, back on track again, sorry, after I talked with Adams cousins. I discovered that Pop told them the only reason he stayed up here is because he thinks its what Adam wants. He's afraid that Adam doesn't want him to live down there. I talked this over with Adam and at first he was so defensive. He didn't want to hear about it. I told him flat out that he was the only one happy in this situation. His dad's not happy, I'm not happy. Like I told him, if his dad moves back down there he can still come up to visit for a week or so at a time. Its only 120 miles down there. We're down there all the time anyway. But at least he'd be down there where he could get out and have a chance to have a life. Up here he doesn't. I think Adam finally sees what I'm saying. This afternoon after he left to go to work he called me back and said that its driving him nuts. He wants me to help him with this. I think his dad would be happy in a apt down there in Elkton. I'm supposed to call around tomorrow and see what I can find out. Plus the local dr down there was his dr for years. I don't think it will be a problem to switch everything around. The only problem I can see is Pop. Pop is like a kid. He lies all the time over the sillest crap. Its to get attention and it drives me nuts. I've learned to look over him and ignore it half the time. We know he told all them down there that he's only up here because of Adam and he thinks he has to stay cause Adam wants him too. Adam says he doesn't know how to talk to him about this. He doesn't want him to think that we're making him leave. I know Pop will be happier down there. He is every time he goes down to stay at his sisters. Heck, he almost crys when we come to pick him up. Course, he's a man, he'll never admit that. Just like he'll never admit that he told them he truly wants to live down there. Any thoughts on how we can talk to him about this without hurting his feelings? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the meanest hearted witch there is cause I didn't want him up here in the first place but I have tried this past yr no matter how unhappy its made me. Privacy is a big thing for me. I value ours. I love to have visitors and I love to go visit but then when its time to come home I value my time with Adam and the kids. Thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated if u have been thru something like this before. Hugs Adam and Ange

I think he worrys more that Adam doesn't want him to move back. U've given good advice. Adam works tonight and tomorrow night. I think this weekend when he has 3 nights off he's going to try and sit down with him and talk to him about it. Thanks alot for the advice. U're the only one who's responded. I kind of feel like a big meanie but I swear I'm not. I'm a big hearted person and even if I wasn't happy with him being up here I'd never say anything. Its just that I can see he's not happy and he hasn't been since he moved up here. Last winter Adam kept saying, well when summer gets here pop will get out more, go fishing. Well last summer he didn't do anything. Never went anywhere. Its no way to spend the rest of his life. If he were unable to take care of himself it would be different but while he still can get out and enjoy life I want him to be able to do that.\ Hugs right back at ya Ange

Angela honey, I am so sorry you're going through this. I haven't been in this situation before, but I think the solution is obvious. (to you too) Your FIL needs to go back to Elkton. As far as how is difficult to say, but one thing that popped into my head is to make it like another family member in Elkton really needs him to be there. Perhaps he could have a sister or someone call him and give him this long spiel about how they've really missed him and they need him there. Then perhaps Adam and you could sit down and talk to him and just point out that you guys realize that he is happier down there. Tell him that you've both decided to find him a place back there and help him get around his friends. Let him know that you guys love him, but you see him being happier around his family and friends. If he balks at you guys, just tell him that you're already making the arrangements for him to go back and that he can visit anytime he likes. That's as best I can come up with, because you and Adam do need your family time without this stress. I hope that everything works out, and soon, for you guys. Good luck-- Dee

Hey Dee, I think it will all work out fine. I was talking to Pop today as we went about town getting grocerys and me running errands. He has a 83 Ford Ranger. Since he doesn't go anywhere up here he was just going to fix it up some to have when he "supposedly" goes fishing all summer (he was supposed to do that last summer too, the lake is less than a mile from here and he knows exactly where its at, he just sits around and does nothing, maybe walks across the yard a time or two with the dogs.) but today we were talking about our settlement. He was in the accident too and he's supposed to get something also for his pain and suffering. Well I found a website last night where he could get a good used ranger for under $3000, the years ranged from 1993-2005 and they look pretty nice. The mileage wasn't bad on some of them either. Now he perked up when I mentioned these trucks. Then he said well, I guess I can't get one cause I'm up here and can't go nowhere. I said well, pop, if u lived back down there u could get u one of these trucks and boogy all over the place. I think once Adam sits down with him and talks the whole thing over he'll see that he will be happier down there. I hate to sound mean, I really do. Normally I'm the type of person that just takes crap and I don't say alot unless I've had enough. I don't dislike him. He's my father in law and I respect him as such, with that said, I wouldn't want one of my own parents living in my back yard. This is our home. If he had something really bad wrong with him then it would be different but while he's still as healthy as he is and able to get around I feel that he'll be alot happier once he gets down there. Thanks Dee, I can always count on u for support. Some guy on the mainboards smarted off about it, but I'm too thin skinned. I shouldn't let crap bother me. I didn't force that man to read my post or reply. I've always thought he was a nice person and enjoyed reading his post but the way he responded last night made me feel like I was just plain stupid for even putting this on the boards. Oh well. U can't please everyone. U guys take care.

Hi Angela- Thanks for sharing the situation with us! I'm sorry this is so stressful. A lot of men ARE funny about sharing their feelings. I think it's neat that you really do care about this man who is not your blood relative. Don't be so hard on yourself! You seem to have his best interests in mind. Sometimes people will surprise you. I'll be praying that he'll be receptive to the idea of moving back and that the transition will be a smooth and happy one for everyone. Keep us updated, would you? Karen in Kentucky

Tomorrow night is the night we meet Adams ex wife in Bowling Green so he can pick up our son for our visitation. I told Adam earlier that I'll drive to Bowling Green myself with our daughter so he can have the house to himself and plenty of quiet time to sit down with his dad and talk things over. I think it will be ok. I do care about him and respect him and one reason I'm so unhappy with him being up here is because I see him every day just sitting out there and life is passing him by. He's not happy. If that was my dad I'd want him to be happy and to be able to get out and enjoy his retirement more. Elkton is not that far away. 120 miles maybe. He could come up and visit anytime he wanted. I think once Adam talks it over with him he'll be ok with moving to an apt down there. He just can't take his dog, our dog, lol. We adopted a sheltie from the local pound almost 7 yrs ago. In 2000, then in Feb 04 we had to sell our place out in the country and move to a apt. We took our dog Dan, down to Adams dads so we wouldn't have to give him to strangers. He stayed down there until Pop moved up here behind our new house Dec 05 so Dan is a family dog. Pop likes our cat too so I'm thinking if he does move I'll adopt him a kitten, get it vaccinated, get all the supplys he'll need and get a thing to get it fixed when its old enough. It would be something to keep him company at nights. Once he gets back down there I know he'll spend his days visitings his sisters and their kids plus Adam has foster sisters and a brother not far from Elkton. They just don't call or come around much. Thanks for your support. It means alot. I'll let ya know how it goes. Thanks again Ange

i think you are a kind hearted person and are honest about feelings that i am sure we would all have if we were in your shoes. i think your plans are the best for everyone and dont feel bad....u arent being mean. you are being honest and considerate. hope things work out. Sheila

Thanks Shelia, that is sweet of u. From stuff he's said it seems like he'll be ok with moving back. Hugs Ange