Not a friendly place! Help!!!!!!!!

Hi Everyone, This weekend was a really tough one for me. I have been very selective on who I am sharing the news of my surgery with. To me it has been a matter of TRUST; and not letting those negative family and friends aroung me infulence or effect me outcome and sucess! This weekend a sister inlaw, (that I do not share anything with or trust) caused a huge fight between my husband and myself. She has been trying to drag things out about me with my husband for quite some time. He would say he was going to the doctor with me ect. Well they asked us to come over super bowl weekend; of course we declined (that is the day before my surgery). Well from the clues and pressure she had put on my husband she thought she had put two and two together enough to blow up on him. He in turn blew up too. He said by my making him keep the secret I was compromising his integrity! We had a huge fight! I was beside myself in tears. There are just some people I am not ready or willing to share this with at all. Anyway sister inlaw is a huge grudge holder! So between her and my husband to keep peace I talked to her; only to hear the things I wish to avoid! I said to her that is exactly why I did not want anyone knowing. How do I cope with these negative people? Am I wrong for not telling certain members of my family? I am certainly not telling those I believe will try to talk me out of this, those who are judgemental; or those who I believe would use this as a tool to hurt me with!!! Anyone else going through anything similar? I do not need all this stress, conflict; and negatvity right before my surgery!! Need your help and prayers. Sincerely, Judy R.

I understand .....I too am not telling my sister in laws for fear of neg talk before I have sugery. My husband understands and agrees with me because for one he knows his sisters and another her has wathched there verbal assults and how they affect me and dose not what me to have to deal with that on top of everything else we have to deal with pre-op..... If they found out I we would deal ......because the reasons we I am going through this has nothing to do with them !!!!! Its about me and my life and if they whant to be a part of it then they will suppot or I will cut them out I am cleaning house so to speak and only keeping things that are good for myself and my family. A united front is the key to deal with in laws I think... Talk to your husband and remind him that all though this wls will benifit the whole family the sugery is really not about him its about you what you need from him now is his support and strenght to help you get through this part and then later you can deal with the small minded sister in law toghther. EXPLAIN TO YOUR HUSBAND THAT HIS INTEGRITY WAS NEVER COMPROMIZED BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS WIFE, FAMILY AND FRIEND AND IF HIS SISTER RESPECTED HIM SHE WOULD NOT PUSH AND LET HIS WORD AS A MAN WITH INTEGRITY STAND!!!!! SEE NOW YOU GOT ME ALL FIRED UP!! LOL GOOD LUCK DON'T LET SOME SMALL MINDED PEOPLE GET IN THE WAY!!!! JENNY B WISE

Maybe you could explain to him that you're not asking him to lie, but that he can be vague and non specific and/or simply refuse to elaborate with his answers. THAT would not be violating anyone's integrity. As a matter of fact it would demonstrate integrity.

Well I think it sucks that you felt "forced" to talk to an unsupportive person about your wls!!!! There are an aweful LOT of things that are said in the confidence of marriage, that are never told to others. You DH should have just told her to mind her own business!!!!!!!!! There's a BIG difference in someone wanting to know because they really CARE and someone who just wants to be the first person to blab it all over and use it to belittle you!!! You hold you head up high!!!!! You're doing what you feel is right to get you healthy and NO ONE else can possible know how you feel inside!! This is going to be a great year for you! Soon, they'll all be jealous because you look so great and you feel great and you have so much more confidence in you!! Hang in there and try to block out the na-sayers with positive thoughts!!! Hugs, Laurie

I do understand your situation. My SIL told my MIL the DAY OF my surgery,,,tell Melanie I said I wish her well....ITS NOT A SURGERY I'D DO BUT WISH HER LUCK...girl that lit a fire up my but,,,I retorted,,,well my surgery is like her breast reduction surgery,,,my business and I don't need negatitive feed back from her ass...so this Thanksgiving,,she did not show up for our dinner, and I feel its due to my reply...tuff. Life is tuff,,wear a helmut I say!!!

Hey Judy, You are perfectly with in your rights to only tell those who WILL support you. My in-laws have no idea. This is because the day after my wedding my MIL made about two dozen comments on how much better the pictures would have been if I had just dropped twenty before the wedding. All they were ever told- was I had my gall bladder out (which I did!) and that was TWO weeks afterwards. Of course there was the fake "Why didn't you tell us so we could have prayed for her." WLS if for YOU. Depite all the other reasons, YOU are what matters. YOur hubby needs to step up to the plate and figure out that you are his priority. As for his integrity- what kind of husband capitulates to a pissy sister? You should always be his Queen- and that means standing up for you - even on the rare times you might be wrong. Perhaps his fear for you is making him be an ass? As for the rest of the negative people- it's none of their business and you can tell them that. NO one needs to monitor you or comment on what you are doing to be healthy. Stay strong! Jennifer

I guess I feel that what you have had to endure is enough to make anyone spit. Shame on your SIL for doing this. Remember WHO you are doing this for, I did it for ME. And, I told my parents, kind of asked their blessing because my father was not well at the time, but we did not know he was dying of cancer then, and I told my 1 step sister. My best friend knew, and my co-workers knew. Everyone was 100 percent supportive of my decision. Based on the fact I was closing in on my death bed, and miserable. Take a moment to just realize that perhaps your SIL in some way may be jealous of you. Tell only those who you trust, and believe will support you. And if they don't - that is THEIR problem, not yours. It is more important that you have post op care at home, and support from your husband at home, and negativity comes in all walks of life dear, not just WLS. You are not wrong for not telling certain members of your family, and I would not let their negativity get in your way of fulfilling your dreams and goals. STAND UP, MARCH FORWARD, AND GO FOR IT. Don't let anyone stop you. You CAN do this! FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and BIG HUGS Stacey W

Hi Judy, The only person that knew I was having surgery was my husband. It was something that was very private to me. I did not want to hear anything negative - I had made up my mind and I knew what I wanted to do. I am 3 yrs post op now and I did not "come out of the closet" till about a year ago. And still, everyone does not know of my surgery. To me, this is something very personal and it is no one else's business unless you chose to tell them. I can totally understand where you are coming from. Take care, Carey

Hey Judy Tell your SIL to mind her own business ! Just remember that this surgery is being done for you...not your husband, not her either. Right now you only need positive thoughts and prayers and that is all! Your husband needs to ignore his sister and put you as his number one priority. That's it in a nutshell, tell her to get lost and if that upsets her...oh well, she'll either get over it and be happy that you are trying to become healthier or she'll just be pissed off forever....either way, remember who is the important one now. Dawn

What Jay said. Your body, your life, your decision. Get your husband back in your corner and for get what others say or think. kp