I need some help here (advice)

My hairdresser came to me wanting some help with/for his wife. He knew that I had the surgery and is always commenting on how good I look. I also told him that I had started a support group and he should tell his wife about it and maybe she would come. Well, this opened his heart. Here's the problem. His wife had the surgery 3 years ago. After week 1, she didn't follow the MMPC guidelines and started eating things she shouldn't have even though they made her sick. I guess she had a very hard time. (as an aside, this is probably why I was a little harsh with Rona.) This is the part that I heard about but thought it was the surgery and totally turned me off back then when I was thinking about it because I didn't want that happening to me. I did some more research 2 years later and I'm so glad I did it. Anyway, she then found out she could eat anything she wanted, including sugar. The first year she lost over 100 pounds and was looking good. I have not seen her since but her husband tells me she has gained it all back and more. He is very worried FOR her and OF her. He would like to get her to either start coming to the group or go back to the doctor for help getting back on the losing side. He's afraid she's going to die because she doesn't want to do what she's supposed to do and he's afraid of her because she gets very angry/defensive when he brings it up. I'm at a loss to know what to tell him. I keep hoping I'll see her in the store and can bring up about the group but this isn't working. I hope some of you can give me some advice on what to say/how to help him. It seems now that her 2 sons are grown and leaving the house that she's all but given up. I've known these 2 for over 20 years but not socially to where I'd feel comfortable just calling her up. I remember being so thrilled when they got married because for a long time she didn't realize her loved her and it finally happened.

I believe the support group will help but she also needs to see her doctor and see exactly how much damage she has done. She may have stretched things to the point that sclerotherapy may be in order. A visit to the nutritionist is also in order but to have her at a support group is a good idea. As was once said to me - they can do surgery on the body but not the mind. Ahmed

Ann, I wish I had some advice for you but being so new at this, I obviously wouldn't know what to say. I just want you to know that she is in my thoughts and prayers. Sounds corny but maybe her husband could set up an accidental meeting for his wife and you? Maybe talking to you she might start going to group and maybe things will change from there? Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Keep us posted ! ~~Rona

Thanks Rona, that might be an idea. Maybe he could have her come in to pay the water bill and since I work at city hall, I could "accidentally" run into her.

Hi Ann!!!! First let me tell you how happy I was to finally meet you yesterday!!! You are such a warm and caring lady!!! I wish we lived closer so we could see each other at support group meetings and socially!! You and your husband are so nice and supportive to everyone around you!!!! Makes me feel good to know you both!!! Now for your friend....Do you live close by her?? Maybe you could walk by her house or ride your bike if you have one by her house and hope that she is outside and you could stop and say hello? Go****s hard to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves you know what I mean? Has she gone back for her follow-up care with her WLS? Maybe you could make someting sf/low fat for your friend and he could take it home to her and she just might love it so much she would want to call and thank you for it and ask for the recipe for it? Does she go to church or any other functions that you could just happen to run into her at?? The paying water bill is a good idea!!! She is lucky that she didn't die after she had WLS if she started eating the wrong things!!! I have heard horror stories from dr's about those people that didn't follow the rules so soon after surgery!!! I can understand your frustration in not being able to help her right now. I know I am not being of much help here and I seem to be rambling...Wish I could be of more help. Maybe others will have a better idea for you. I will pray that you can reach her before its to late for her. Good luck ann...And again it was a pleasure meeting you!!! Prayers and hugs Judy

Judy, I don't live close to her (she's in town and I'm in the boonies). From what I understand, she did not go back for her 6 month and doesn't want to hear about seeing the doctor. I think she's afraid they'll yell at her like the docs used to. I go to St. Paul's but I probably could start going to St. Mary's. I'll ask her husband what mass they go to and maybe we can run into each other. To tell you the truth, I do like J but I've always been a bit afraid of her. Why you might ask? Well, she used to be a nun and I had bad experiences growing up with nuns (it really is time to get over that). It's hard for me to bring anything up to her but a social situation might be the key. I'll be listening to any and all advice on how to approach this because right now I'm maybe a little too close to the situation and can't see the best path through this. Ahmed, I would love to be able to get her to go to the doctor. I really need a good way to approach her. Maybe when I get hooked up with MMPC in June, I can run it past them too since she's a former patient.

Good luck and keep me posted on this....Hugs Judy

Ann, When you say hooking up with MMPC in June, what are you referring to? Are you going to the support group training session? I am also trying to attend. I have to try to get the day off and also the gas prices, but sure hope to be there that day. Have a good day, Lynn

The only person that's going to able to help this woman is herself. She can have all the interventions, all the support, all the revisions she can have, but until she wants it for herself, it's not going to work. I think it's wonderful that you are trying to help her (and her husband), but she clearly just doesn't want to get it yet. This is why when people have gastric bypass they need to realize that the surgery itself will not cure the problem of eating. Sure, it's a restrictive procedure, but there's a lot more to it than that.

Ann, I TOTALLY agree with Julie! You cannot make someone want to change. They have to have the desire to do that on their own. Think back to when you were fat and think of all the "helpful" people who told you that you should lose weight! DUH!! You knew you needed to lose it, but felt helpless at the time and hurt that they kept bothering you! At least I did! Kudos for being a kind person, but she has to have a real desire to do it and these are the people that are usually weeded out in the bariatric surgical programs psychiatric part. She may not have been a good candidate in the first place due to her mind set to begin with. I say pray for her and wait, maybe she will decide on her own to get it together. Wendy