Funny Email I got

Got this today from Tomanip. It was too cute to keep to myself. Hope you get a laugh out of it like I did. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THANKS FOR ALL YOUR E-MAILS THIS YEAR! As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists *****fuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be *****ed with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends & make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time) I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates is sending me for participating in his special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will use your head for target practice at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. (I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's who is a beautician, or was that a person in training down at the kennel?...huhhh heeee heeee uuummm!.) Happy New Year

That is hilarious, I have already sent it on to THAT person who ALWAYS forwards everything to me, and believe me, he gets all of them. Gotta love it.....D.

Tomanip sent it to me also and I promptly forwarded to all 200,987,433,681 people in my email address book.....btw, I have your email listed in my addy book 9,431 times.....So....DING!!!! you've got MAIL!!!!!! Smoochies Arlies Ps You are very, very welcome!!!!

You are too cute !!! BTW..... Has anyone ever told you that YOU AIN'T RIGHT ??? It makes me wonder how many people believe all that crap that is sent. Tammy

WHAT IT"S NOT TRUE???????????????????????????????? Tomanip

Oh my words...... Check Your Mail !!! I finally got my check from Bill Gates Also, I'm cooking dinner for the President & his wife tonight !!! Glad your back Sweet Lady !!! Tammy