Reflections on a Year (warning-pretty long!) pics too!

So here I sit, almost a year out, pondering my new me.  I’ll never regret having this surgery, but there have been, and continue to be, many challenges – most of them emotional.   I’ll always be thankful to Dr. Gmora for his fine work, and his deep compassion and genuine caring and concern for me, and I’m sure for all his patients.

I have gone from 276 to 176 – a loss of 100 lbs in a year.  Not too shabby!  I now wear size 12/14 bottoms, and L/XL tops (though I prefer my tops to be looser, so I tend to gravitate to the larger), with an occasional M thrown in depending on the style.  Most of the time I think I have done well, and I look pretty good.  It’s the “not most of the time" that I’ll talk about later.

My blood sugars are now normal, they began stabilizing immediately after surgery.  My blood pressure continues to be a little high, but not a lot high as it was before.  A few months after surgery it became normal, then suddenly it rose again and I now take a couple of low dose meds to keep it under control.  There’s no escaping heredity, apparently!  And if a couple little pills are necessary to keep me ticking, then so be it.

I had my one-year at the bariatric centre yesterday and they were very pleased with my progress, but I started to cry.  I can’t help thinking that I should have done better.  I’ve only lost 20 lbs in the last 6 months, and I am so stressed about this.  Talk about a stall!  According to the NP, it appears my body has found its own sweet spot, the place where it is comfortable, the weight that is easy to maintain.  But for me, I never expected to settle in at this weight.  My heart was set on getting down to 150-160 – I think I would be content there.  But the NP believes that I wouldn’t be content, so off I go to the psychologist to get a fresh perspective on my expectations.

Most days I tell myself that I have accomplished so much – better health, better looks, better physical abilities.  I never would have believed that I could run 5K, but I can.  I never would have believed I could climb a couple flights of stairs and not be gasping for breath, but I can.  I never believed I would care if my toes were polished, but I do.  I’m concerned for my appearance again – when you feel you look good it makes you feel good.  These are all positive emotional issues and I cherish them.

But my challenge now is to deal with the negative emotional issues, and hopefully the psychologist will be able to help with this.  My common sense tells me I’ve done very well, but I think it should be better.  I compare my progress with the progress of others and sometimes I feel that I’m lagging behind.  I know we are all different, but when you’re faced with these issues, it’s impossible to not compare yourself to others.  Being a shortie at 5'2", 176 looks very different on me than it does on someone 6" taller.

I began this journey totally concerned about my health, and physical appearance was only a very minor issue.  But now that my health concerns are much improved, I seem to be focusing on physical appearance more.  My sagging belly is depressing, even though I know I can have that fixed.  But it’s so big – I can pick it up and flap it in the breeze!  And my boobs are pretty much giant skin tags!  That doesn’t bother me as much as the extra sag at the sides.  But that can also be fixed, so I try not to dwell on this.

After everything I’ve been through, and everything I’ve accomplished, I’m almost ashamed to be having these feelings.  My common sense is proud of me, but that little negative side rears its ugly head in a very big way.  But I’ll get through it, I know that for sure!

My renewed goals now are to learn to accept me just as I am – there’s nothing wrong with me, and while I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, I have to work toward truly believing that it’s enough.  Regrets – none!  I’ve posted some before and afters in my profile – can’t figure out how to bring them into a post.  Thanks for reading and supporting my efforts – this place is awesome.

 Thank you for post - pictures please !!!!

Re being a little heavier than you want - you can do it the old fashioned way, eating sensibly and exercise.

I don't personally believe in therapy, I believe in drugs. Fluoxetine (prozac) and variants have literally saved my life and did a lot to cut negative thought cycles.

Also, one year is not the end of your life.  You have your whole future to work on improvements.

Pics are in my profile.  And you're right, I've got the whole future to look forward to and the changes it will bring.  Thanks for that.

Megan, I had surgery on Wednesday with the awesome Scott Gmora, he is wonderful.  My sister had the surgery 3 years ago, she continued losing up to 2 years and is now on a maintenance type of lifestyle monitoring her iron, etc.  You do look wonderful, I met you once in the waiting room and thought you looked great, an obvious alumni.  I'm 5' so I know how every lb. settles under the chin, in the midsection, etc.  And the sagging skin, yup, I'll have lots of it I think.  Please be kind and patient with yourself and I'm happy that you are going to speak with someone at the clinic. 

I identified with many of the comments, I thought I had a weight problem in my teens - looking at pictures I looked great and would have been fine if I wasn't so hard on myself, looking at friends and the media.  I'm nervous about the emotional part, good candidate for giving myself negative feedback after he euphoria of losing subsides. 

Take care Megan, the pictures were great and you are a beautiful lady.

 Congrats on your year.   I say it all the time -  the head issues after a year or two are often the most difficult To deal with.    Good luck on with figuring that all out. all the best in the next stage of your journey!

Dawn

Megan, I think you look fabulous - congratulations on losing 100 lbs - that's amazing! I think you were such a pretty lady even before your surgery but you look even prettier now!  I really love the pic of you and your hubby - great shot!

I'm sorry that you are having some issues with feeling as though you should have "done better" and lost more weight - l"m glad that you're going to talk to the psychologist about that. It's funny how we can know something in our minds yet our emotions tell a different story.  I mean, I'm glad that you can recognize what a great weight loss you have achieved but I can totally understand, emotionally, why you feel that you should lose more weight. I think we have pre-conceived ideas of what we "should" weight & when we don't get there, we get so disappointed.  Best of luck to you, Megan  - I think that you look amazing!!! Thanks for sharing with us - your pics are so inspiring to me!

Deb

 I'm reading and wondering where I will be in a year. You have just made me know that trip is so worth while. THANK YOU. ALSO CONGRATULATIONS.

Hi Megan,
I have read your message and so very much understand how you are feeling. My personal experience is that I have never been happy with my weight or figure, no matter where I was. It is not until years later that I can sometimes look at photos of myself and realize that I didn't look so bad, and maybe I was pretty.
I had a peek at your photos and you look wonderful. i would be so proud if I were you. I know that it is YOU that must look in the mirror and believe that but I just wanted to let you know.
I certainly hope that the psychologist is able to help you. This self-image issue that so many of us women have is so tragic and I am not sure how to address it myself.
You and your husband look happy. That is so wonderful. Cherish him and your relationship.
I have not yet had surgery but I will remember your post here and hope that I can finally feel better about myself.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs........... Carol

Megan -
I hear you.
I really hear you.

And I'm not dismissing anything you've said.
It cost you a lot to admit that everything is not a bowl of cherries now that you've had the surgery.

But I just wanted to plant one idea in your head, and then leave you alone.

Two years ago, when you were miserable and courageously getting on with life despite your size and your physical handicaps due to your size, what would you have done if someone had told you that you could lose 100 pounds, just like that?

Would you have kissed the ground they walked on? Because that's the way I would have felt.
I would have never imagined that it was possible to lose 100 pounds. Not really. I mean, for other people - yeah, totally possible. But not for me. That would have been a dream.

And you've realized the dream.

A couple of people who are 3 and 5 years out from RNY have told me that thye continued to lose a little bit after the first year was over, but it went in little spurts and fits.

That may yet happen for you. Chin up.

Gaby you are so right - it is a dream I never imagined I would realize. I'll really try to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts.