I am sinking sloowly....SEDENTARY

Ok, I am not the one to really ask for help much.  But, here I am.   I am sinking.  I hit bottom tonight when I ate something tonight that I never thought I would ever eat again in my life.  For about 2 weeks, I have been getting protein and liquids in.  BUT, I have been eating the WRONG things, getting cravings for my old food choices and acting on it.  It's almost a really scary compulsive thing for me that reminds me of my old eating ways.  I think in my mind I try to justify it because I couldn't eat for almost 6 days during my illness and then, in the hospital, the food sitting in front of me wouldn't go down because my spleen was swollen.  Now I think I have "making up to do,"  and I'm at my lowest with only 60 more pounds to go. On one hand, I am extremely concerned because I shouldn't EVEN be testing these waters and SO much of it.  Scares me.  This is what brought me HERE.  On the other hand, I DO think this is really the reprocussion of feeling "deprived" (Shauna-I know I'm NOT but, I feel that right now) from my illness because I am not even allowed to walk the flippin' FLEA MARKET!!!!!!  I am glued to my house with orders that my doctor said not to do anything until my labs get better and then image tests are confirmed ok.  I mean, I eat, I sleep, I watch TV! (I can't really stand TV!), I fiddle with the computer, play keyboard/work on songs, chat on the phone with friends, read.. etc.  But these are all SEDENTARY things.  I feel like a my old morbidly obese  person all over again; immobile.  IMMOBILE.  IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE.  IMMOBILE. IMMOBILE. Anyone that knows me knows I am not one to stand still even in social situations, I work the room.  I am not allowed to lift 10 pounds even.  I just bought a bike before the Pilgrimidge that I haven't been able to ride.  It's sitting in the well room SCREAMING my name.  I am losing muscle!   Don't get me wrong, I am not bored I don't think. No matter what, I can make fun in a cardboard box.  BUT... maybe I am.  I dunno.  Nah, I don't think I am.  It's just having to sit still that kills me because it is holding my success back.  By now, I would have mastered some wheelies on my new mountain bike LOL, I would have taken myself and my iguana on a hike on a warm day, I would have walked the flea markets fully like I normally used to do on Sunday, I would have helped my Mom with some stuff around the house, gone out at least 10 times to friends place.  Etc, etc, etc.   Wow my pity party sounds sucky when it could be worse but the moral of the story is that I am sinking and I need encouragement, people to relate to me, anything, I dunno what I REALLY need other than to get better.  It WILL get better but in the meantime but my eating is failing horribly and I want to wake up tomorrow and have these food urges go away.  I think I will start my green tea drinking again, that may help.  So, there is my confession and call for help or whatever.  Magnolia xoxox

Hi Please do not beat up on yourself so much. You have just lived through a very difficult time and I think it's probably ok to feel like you are feeling. Now here comes the but.... But, don't let the slip become a fall. You can and will pick yourself up and go forward to more successing. I know you will be able to get on that new bike after you are strong enough and do as many wheelies as you'd like.. Focus on how good it feels to have lost so much weight. When I saw you at dinner and group last week, you looked great. Hugs, Arlene

Arlene,  This is great advice to pick up and go forward and not let the slip go to a fall.  Thanks for your comments about my apperance last week.  It's a confidence booster and more reason to keep going to reach goal.   Magnolia xoxox

Many of us have been there Mags.  The good thing is you recognize you are having an issue and you are reaching out for support.  I was literally asking for support for similar issues from Andy seconds before signing on and reading your post.  I need to get back on the wagon myself.  How about we watch each other's backs...together, we can accomplish anything!   HG

Heather,  Thanks for offering your support and it means alot to me because we've had quite a few in-depth conversations and you know where I am coming from.  I did @ 50% better today than I did yesterday so it's a start.  So that's what I can offer to tell ya right now while I get back into the process and refocus, is to start back a little at a time.  The green tea in the morning DID help me!  I have an odd taste sometimes and I drink the organic caffeine free kind with no sweetners at all, just hot.  I do think it has a cleansing effect for me and it delays my oatmeal breakfast which I've been lately waking up and reaching for.  Now, it's tea time before oatmeal.   Much Love, Mags xoxox

Okay, don't freak or anything but in some ways you sound like me.  That is to say, I am a very physical person.  I don't like just hanging around doing nothing and I totally hate to be dependent on other people.  That is an incredibly huge issue for me living in a religious community where I am supposed to be interdependent rather than independent.   Anyway, I go nuts when I go on silent retreats.  I am an off the wall extrovert (like you working the room, eyes roaming constantly, social, social) and not being able to talk challenged me to find other ways to communicate and express myself.  Several years ago I discovered I had somewhat of an ability and creative side in me with clay.  I began to sculpt.  It's the same time I quit smoking and thanks be to the creator I did! I guess what I am saying or asking really is, is there any way to channel your energy into something that will satisfy your need to be physical (without hurting yourself) as well as meet your needs to walk away from the food thing that is getting in your way?  How about witing and composing a song about WLS, or being a prisoner in your body, or even a song about encouragement and hope for all those who dare to change their lives.  You dared to change your life!  You did it!  You are a success not a failure.  You are the BRAVE one.  No sitting idle for you. In the words of Gloria Estefan, "you can make it happen" Jan

On May 22, 2007 at 5:00 AM Pacific Time, Sister Jan K. wrote: Okay, don't freak or anything but in some ways you sound like me.  That is to say, I am a very physical person.  I don't like just hanging around doing nothing and I totally hate to be dependent on other people.  That is an incredibly huge issue for me living in a religious community where I am supposed to be interdependent rather than independent.   Anyway, I go nuts when I go on silent retreats.  I am an off the wall extrovert (like you working the room, eyes roaming constantly, social, social) and not being able to talk challenged me to find other ways to communicate and express myself.  Several years ago I discovered I had somewhat of an ability and creative side in me with clay.  I began to sculpt.  It's the same time I quit smoking and thanks be to the creator I did! I guess what I am saying or asking really is, is there any way to channel your energy into something that will satisfy your need to be physical (without hurting yourself) as well as meet your needs to walk away from the food thing that is getting in your way?  How about witing and composing a song about WLS, or being a prisoner in your body, or even a song about encouragement and hope for all those who dare to change their lives.  You dared to change your life!  You did it!  You are a success not a failure.  You are the BRAVE one.  No sitting idle for you. In the words of Gloria Estefan, "you can make it happen" Jan

Jan,  So nice to hear from you.  Thanks for taking the time to care and respond.  This time of night, I hope you are resting in bed peacefully and knowing that I have prayed for your surgery tomorrow.  I feel you have two angels watching over you and they are not letting their eyes off of you at all (sounds weird but I throw curve balls sometimes).  Anyhow, your suggestions on refocusing energy into something else it quite helpful especially giving me a song idea. 

On the outside I am sitting idle, but the inside I should not be. There are at least three things I can name off the top of my head that I have changed for the positive: 1.  Quit smoking over a month now! 2.  Stopped drinking at least for a year or two and realized I don't need the amount of alcohol I was drinking before anyway. 3.  More of personal relationship with the Creator.  I am reconnecting with my Father in heaven.  He has missed me and frankly I missed him.   Replacing the addictive behaviors that I'm struggling with and it WILL be replaced with positive things once I get well and I am able to be more physical.  Right now I will focus on eating right and asking for guidance.   Thank you dearly,

Magnolia xoxox

Mags, I know you already know what to do, as you've encouraged so many others on your journey.  Get rid of the food from the house that is a problem for you. If it isn't there you can't eat it.  Replace it with things you like and should eat.  Put a timer somewhere in the house and only eat when it goes off.  Don't snack, it is a terrible habit to get back into.  You are doing just fine, just don't beat yourself up over a small slip.  Don't allow a small slip to give you reason to fall.  You are an incredible person who has been climbing up a hill for a long time.  Keep going up, your foot may slip but regrip it and pull yourself up.  We are here to pull, push or just hold your hand.  Don't forget we are here for you always. Hugs Lisa

Lisa, First, thank you for praying for me while I was in the hospital.  No one will ever know the real impact it has had on my recovery by so many people pulling together for me and asking for a healing. 

Secondly, you hit the nail on head with hammer.  I was snacking and it was becoming MINDLESS snacking.  Like not even realizing I popped a piece of sugar-free candy in my mouth as I walked by the drawer.  It's just one or two right?  Ha!  It adds up to quite a bit by the end of the day! Thank you immensely for your uplifting encouragement.  I have been climbing up the hill.  And maybe not as fast as some BUT I will get there, especially now that I know what I have taken for granted when it comes to physical ability.   You're a good soul.  Thank you. Magnolia xoxox

I know where you are coming from. I have been through it but you did the biggest and hardest step and that was admitting it and calling out for help. You know what you need to do so it only makes it a little bit easier. Wishing you the best and baby girl this too shall pass! :LOVE: Don't give up. Keep fighting. We didn't come through all this to give up!