****Thrilling Thursday Roll Call****

Not that I have ANY experience but I would agree that it is a power struggle. I know it might be a little below her but what about a rewards chart? If she does "X" number of things without a hassle she gets something special. Even if it is a $4 pack of those silly bands she likes or getting to pick what you have for dinner. Maybe some positive re-inforcement will get her into good habits. Or maybe get her a "Grown up" facewash and something to wa**** with - a special washcloth or something.

*hugs* good luck hun

I have tried the rewards chart in the past and it doesn't seem to help.  She is still on the do your homework for 10 days in a row and you can get weekday computer time back deal.  Apparently the computer doesn't mean as much to her as it used to now that she's not allowed to go in any chat rooms.

for the facewash, there is adult facewash in the shower that we are both supposed to be using.  Maybe a special washcloth? I don't know.  

I am willing to try anything, even if it's a repeat. 

here are my thoughts on child management.  Firs and foremost there has to be open communication between parent and child.  There needs to be a talk about the problems you two are having and the communication gaps that are currently causing problems.  You will have to explain to her that as a mother you have responsibilities just like she has responsibilities in her life.  You tell her that you cant always be her friend (not that you are) and that there will be times when you will be asking her to do things she doesn't want to do.  i would discuss with her what the main sticking areas are i.e., showers, clean room, bed time, etc...  You need to discuss with her why these things NEED to be done and that there really isn't any grey area here.  Ask her how she would like to make sure that these things get done.  Does she have a plan or idea on how to get these things done?  And your role as a parent is to allow her to come up with a plan on how to get this stuff done and to also approve the plan as long as it is reasonable and makes sense.  She needs to know that you will be the "monitor of the plan" and you will be letting her know when/how she is not following up to the terms of "HER" plan.  If it is HER plan then she has no one to ***** at other than herself when the chores aren't done.  Its all about putting the ownership on the child to do what she said she would do.  this removes you form being the bad guy.  I'm sure she felt like you were just being a ***** and picking on her when what you were trying to do is make sure she was clean.  As the monitor of the plan you will at times need to remind her of her responsibilities.  I would also ask her to tell you "how she would like to be reminded"  what works best for her?  As long as you are OK with the method of communication and do it that way then once again  the ownership is on her to follow through with what she said she would do.  There of course can be rewards built in to this as an additional motivation.  Positive praise works as well.  Never miss an opportunity to praise a job well done.
I know this was a bit rambling but its a big topic to discuss.

To recap:
1.  Identify the areas in need of change
2.  Identify the roles of the relationship.  Mom and daughter and what that entails
3.  Develop the method of how things will get done, make sure you incorporate her ideas
4. Identify how you will monitor the jointly agreed upon plan
5.  follow through with the plan including the monitoring
6. Praise successes
7.  I didn't mention this before but any plan can be modified if it is not working.  Its better to modify it than to keep using a plan that isn't working.
8.  Give the reward
9.  always be communicating about he plan and how its going.  Her ownership of the plan and open communication are the keys.

Also, I am not making any judgments on your current parenting style, this planning method can be used by any parent who might be struggling with motivating a child.

If you don't follow this exactly then I hope that you can use some of the concepts.  good luck and let me know if you want me to clarify anything.
Swede

I understand everything in here completely.  Thanks so much for the well thought out response.  Now, to get her to sit down and actually talk and listen to me so we try to implement this.

One thing I can say is that she gets a lot of positive praise.  I'm sure she hears it, but I know sometimes she just blows it off because of her age.  That will not stop me from doing it.  I will continue to chase her to the door to give her my goodbye kiss in the morning because as much as she acts like she hates it, she would be devastated if I didn't do it.  I will still tell her I love her no matter how many times she says WHATEVER to me.  I will still tell her how beautiful and special she is to me no matter how many times she puts herself down.  She is my daughter and Iove her and I want to have a better relationship.

me again (The one that has no room to talk lol) maybe you can make the discussion at one of her therapy sessions so there is a mediator?

you are very wise Liz.. you are going to make a great mom.  It's good to get the insight of someone who hasn't been there yet because their opinion is not tainted.

This is a fantastic idea and I do believe our next session is a family session.. perfect time/place to bring it up.

well thanks I try :) and well isn't this what big happy families do for eachother?! I mean it's not like I don't know both of you well enough to open my mouth lol

that's exactly why I put it here.. I wanted to hear from my family and yes you DO know us both well enough to open your mouth. 

Lisa....Sent you an IM via OH...did you get it?

no Kimi... doesn't work for me on firefox, sorry. Let me switch over to IE