This has been so hard, Not sure I could do it again!

Thanks Dawn, and Mary, and Towana, and Suni, and Everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. I am feeling a little better today. I have had a shower, my first real one. I also pooped today which was good, but could have been more....TMI, I know but hey, we have all been there. Sharon Osbourne is on TV now and talking about her plastic surgeries after WLS, and how it hurt really bad, and there is nothing good without pain. She also said she was taking off her band, and is sooooo scared of gaining back the weight. She also goes to bed dreaming of menus, and food covers all her emotions, no matter what. I can understand that for sure!! She had her butt augmented and lifted, full body lift, inner thighs and breasts done, and brachioplasty, and face and chin, and neck done. WOW, she is a real WLS patient, even though it was a band, she still has the same issues we all have. I suppose it just scared me to see the scale up a lot after I had been through what I had been through, and it hurts to see it go up. After my bile duct surgery I saw it come waaay down, and I just am freaking seeing the weight go up even though I KNOW that it is jus****er weight from the plastics, it distresses me. I have told others that it was jus****er weigtht, your body tries to hold on to it for healing, but you see, it wasn't me it was happening to me. I am being real honest with myself. I am so obsessed with my weight now, that I just can't fathom ever going back to a fat person. I even now in my mind know I feel so sorry for people who are obese, and I really don't want to ever be an obese person ever again!! Its too scary. That is my real issue. Since I am getting honest, I just thought I would pour all that out too. I am just scared to death to gain back the weight...ANYONE ELSE?? Plastics is a VERY hard thing to deal with emotionally, and painfully, I think its harder than going through the gastric bypass. With gastric bypass, we went in, made it through the surgery and then the journey begins and you pretty much can't fail. Even though I don't think we can fail with the plastics itself, but, we don't have that same environment that we did with WLS which was 2+2=weightloss With Plastics, we hurt more, we have no control (there is the key word) over this surgery that we did with WLS. Control has always been a thing with me, which is why this surgery worked so well with me....I can control the outcome of the WLS and cannot control the results of the plastics the same way. Well, that was my psychodrama counselling session today, recognizing the control factor again, and it was what came out during my discipleship class too. The control part is hard for me to give up. I love love the WLS because I control the outcome and what goes in my mouth, and its up to me if I succeed or fail....you see, then I get the glory, and that is wrong, because to GOD be all the glory. I have repented over that, and now this whole plastics thing is a control issue for me again. I can't do anything but lay here and heal, and its up to God how I turn out. WOW, that was a huge WOW moment for me, that I am trying to control or "be God" in my life. Well, I will definitely copy this and paste this on my blog because this was an ah ha, very honest post about my feelings. I think this is something everyone will have to deal with when you have plastics. The scars, incisions, swelling, not looking like you think you will look like. I didn't have unrealistic expectations, but I wish I could see what I would look like when all the swelling is gone. It is hard to see yourself after, when before you looked better, even with the saggy skin. I just hope beyond hopes that I look better than my before pic. when all the swelling is gone. So, Towana, did you have major swelling and water weight gain too? I suppose I just want to know I am normal and this is what happens to everyone, and the water weight will go away. If I know what to expect, then I would probably be able to handle it better. I would just be sad if I look like a bowling pin for the rest of my life...LOL I know I won't look like a bowling pin, but its hard to not imagine it now!! I had just hoped that I wouldn't have all this swelling, and it seems like a lot!!! And, my waist is gone, and my hips are about 5" larger now from the swelling too. Hopefully in 5 more weeks, I will be able to say it was all worth it, and I was an emotional basket case right after surgery and how after all the MAJOR PAIN and pain and aggrevation, it was all worth it! Love to all, and God Bless you and your families here at Christmas time and always! Thanks for being my friends and allowing me to vent and to discuss frankly my issues ;) LOVE YOU Deb