Is it normal to want to go back

I am not sure about even posting this at this point but I know you folks will tell me the truth.I am not saying any of this to gain sympathy or anything like that.  Over the course of time from my surgery on till now so from June 06 till today I have been through a lot of hurts, From bad surgery issues all the time in the hospital the death of my father in March of 07 some other more personal "family" issues and now the death of my mom on Christmas eve..How can I say this I feel like I want to go back to being fat again..I used to eat for comfort to chase depression etc and now when I try that I get sick. So is it so wrong to look back and see that i was semi happy being large and I just want to be happy again so therefore I want to be big again. or I feel that I want to. I know God does not put anything in your life you cannot handle but at what point is it enough. I don't think I can handle this anymore...I am just need some honest answers from some people who have delt with this in one way or another ......Please Will

Will, I have not had as much to deal with as you have but it is natural to want to blame all the bad things on not being able to eat like you used to........ your inability to do eat like before does make your coping skills more of a challenge....that I do agree with. But you also have to weigh all the positives that have happened since them and how much healthier you now are. Your surgery issues were certainly more than any of us can imagine but you showed your strength there by pulling through and dealing with it......... have you considered going to counselling to help you cope with all of this? Sometimes talking it through with someone else may help you change the perspective...... Also looking back I do not believe you were really that happy - certainly not about your weight - we used to talk then and you so desperately wanted surgery - and worked so hard to get it.............. somehow we always manage to look back and think things were better when we are down - we have the capacity to only remember the good things when we look back. I am so sorry about you Mom - I know you were very close.... I hope you can feel peace soon........ Jackie

Will good evening and just wanted to say that I read your page and I liked the story there. Also want to let you know that things will get better, like everyone is telling me to take it one day at a time. They are right now that I am trying to deal with things one day at a time it is easier. Sorry for your loss it is hard at times to have to deal with. I have been in your shoes to some respect. The day before Thanksgiving I had to rush my dad to the hospital with a stroke that has left him with no voice, no swallowing, and very little movement on the right side, he is now in a nursing home because he needs 24 hr care. I miss not having him around even though I can go see him he cannot say what is wrong or if he needs something. We all have to deal with things and God will be with you and not give you more than you can handle. He has been there for me and I will pray to him to be with you too. If you need to talk to someone I will be glad to talk and listen to you. You can PM me and I will give you my number.  I have not had the surgery but my daughter and husband has and I want it but my insurance will not approve me. Please keep working on you and you will be great, I know this because you help so many other people and I love people that helps others.

Will, I think your feelings are perfectly normal, particularly given all that you have been through. Losing your Mom on Christmas eve must have been a terrible blow. I am sure that you realize that eating for comfort is a very temporary fix that doesn't solve your situation and really just makes things worse. Food can not heal our pain, but can only temporarily take our mind off our problems. As a fireman you know that it is no good to "temporarily" put out a fire. Unless you actually address the heat source the fire will return. The pain you feel from the loss of your Dad and your Mom is very real, and you need to really deal with that pain, not temporarily cover the pain with food. I respectfully and lovingly suggest that you talk with people about what you are feeling; perhaps your paster, your doctor, a family therapist, or a EAP counselor at work. God bless you. Joe

I too agree with all the advice you have already gotten sounds like they have said and given you all great advice and things to think about and work with. I want to say how sorry I am about your loss. Losing someone on Christmas eve is terrible but losing your mother is just the worst thing I cant imagine your pain. But everyone has given you some really good advice and I agree with them, your thinking is very normal but going back isnt what you really want. And you know deep down thats not what you want to do either. I would do as Joe suggested maybe counseling , a paster, or a good friend to sit down with. We are all here for you and hope thing s get easier as each day passes. But also understand all your feelings, be strong and pray and prayers are going up for you and your family.

Hi Will -  First, my condolences on the loss of both your parents. It is considerably hard to lose those you love and at/around the holidays making it seem even more unbearable. The suffering, pain, angony & more we endure being obese is horrible. Added to that is the often long & grueling process of approval that many of us have had to face and for those who are continuing to struggle to even get that far. What point is enough? I've asked myself that often this last year. What I've come to learn is that I've been blessed; given a gift (many acutally) and given a tool that works. Along with the tool comes many ups & downs. When I had surgery (nearing 5 years ago) there were a lot of things coming to light then that I didn't know would have such an impact on my life in the years following.  Weight loss came very quickly but mentally things weren't computing. The issues in the 4 areas that we need to thrive well in (physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually) weren't coming together. I didn't realize a lot back then as I do today. Physically I was losing my warmth, my outer shell, my comfort, my invisibility to almost everyone and more. Mentally I continued seeing "the fat girl" and even now there are times when I think that. Emotionally I was going through some very hard times trying to adjust. Nothing came easy and nothing does now that I don't have to fight for. Spiritually I honestly disregarded the Lord in almost all avenues of my life. I was lost and went through a series of situations that looking back now were pretty darn scary & harsh.  I made it through almost all of them with just a few more to tackle and I sit here this pm with renewed hope, lots more faith & definite beliefs that the Lord has to be number one in my life in order for all others things to fall into place. The first year following surgery was easy for most intents and purposes as far as dropping the lb. But, slowly issues started. The second year got tougher with more issues. Things compounded but I dealt with them in my own ways right or wrong. The 3rd year I had our second daughter, gained 45 lb while preggers with her, lost 20lb, needed to lose 15 lb more and just about 4 months after her birth my world started spiraling out of control. Thus began my addiction with alcohol. Started off slowly progressing to an addiction that at the time didn't register as one. It really did a number on me and my family/friends. However, I realized my mistakes, realized it almost killed me, realized I couldn't get my other issues to stop just because I'd get lost in my drinking, knew I had to suck it up & deal with each situation head on, and I have addressed them and moved on with my life in a better direction.  I look back at my addiction as a much needed lesson in my life. But, that wasn't the last lesson I'd be learning. In addition to realizing I'd faltered and drinking WOULD kill me if I didn't step up to the plate and cut it out completely, I developed a severe double ear infection that left me with sudden hearing loss and more than 6 weeks. Can you imagine? Not hearing ANYTHING or ANYONE? I was put on steroids the ONLY thing to correct this type of severe hearing loss. I gained another 24 lb. Talk about depressing! Then by God's hand I successfully regained my hearing fully & I am so grateful. This all happened towards the end of the 3rd year. Entering the 4th year (which is about to close) I had been dealing with something for more than 2 years that had gotten so bad during this year I was ready to do ANYTHING to alleviate it. I jumped through hoops, I did a gazillion tests, I followed the rules, did all the right things and FINALLY last month I had a surgery which fingers crossed and with the Lord's blessings things are looking up and up with gusto!!!! With the exception of some individuals during this last year I have been shown the best things in life....true, unconditional love, support and friendship and have been a sober gal with open eyes and have been gaining back control of the 4 areas I mentioned above.  Has it been easy? No, it hasn't. Are there days when I just want to give up/give in? Yes, absolutely. Are there days when pop the top on a bottle sounds grand? Ya, sure does but I know better. I know that the Lord has work here for me to do. I know that He sees things in me and has a plan for me. I don't know all the answers but what I do know is I can help others. I can let them know they are not alone. Would I want to go back to being obese? NEVER! Hands down NEVER! Has it been an easy ride? No, it certainly has been anything BUT. The Lord is the "writer" of our lives and He gives us choices in Life. We can choose to let everything and anyone tear us down or we can choose to say ENOUGH. When it seems like everything and most everyone is against you and has you backed in to corner that is where you dig deep, you dig soooo deep inside yourself and you find your strength and determination and you throw your hands up in the air and you say "LORD I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE I NEED YOUR HELP!" The power of prayer is amazing and works.  I am saying this with all my heart ....until YOU are ready to help yourself NO ONE can help you. The Lord is the ONLY ONE that will never leave you. But, YOU are the one that has to take control of your life, put God first and let all over things fall into place. AGAIN - until YOU are ready to help yourself all the advice on the planet will go in one ear and out the other. I speak this personally. Building a strong support system takes a LOT of work. Its takes trust, determination, frustration and more but it IS possible. Confide in someone(s) you truly trust. An outside perspective is the best. Try not to listen to naysayers in your life. Try not to let others bring you down. Instead focus on your life one thing at a time and realize you are worth it. When the dust settles ..............YOU will emerge successful, happy and with renewed love for life.  Know that you are NOT alone....All best 

You are not alone.  It is not wrong to want to go to a place where we felt we were happy.  Examining that to see if you really were happy then or not would be a good place to start.  Could going back to being heavy just be an escape from reality, a chance to become invisible again.  Definitley sit down and examine yourself and really get an idea of what you are feeling.  Consider finding someone to talk to, a counselor or friend.  You are given what you can handle from God and he is with you each step of the way.  If you need to lean on him to get you through.