I'm in need of your prayers...

Sweetie I have been where you are and it SUX so bad....BUT if he is going to leave then nothing you can do or say and no changes you make at this point are going to make a difference and I know that's a very hard pill to swallow. I got married at 17 years old and my x and I split up with a 5 month old child, when I was merly 19 years old... I had to grow up really fast but I made ALOT of mistakes along the way that I wish more than anything that I could take back.One of them was hanging on his every word, sitting by the phone, begging for understanding, hoping that the baby would make him stay, checking up on him...all those things we as women automaticly want to do when we feel rejection and loss. Try your hardest to find peace with the situation in knowing that truly if he plans on leaving there's nothing that you can do to GENUINlELY stop him...Dont let him play mind games with you...( the kisses and I love you's that keep you hangning on ) and try to start some healing within yourself before it get's worse. All my  prayers Brandi~

Everyone is giving you lots of love & support & that's great.  But I especially agree with what Tigger & Brandi had to say. Sadly, when a long term relationship ends, it really does come down to money.  My sister didn't believe me when I told her that UNTIL she began divorce proceedings.  Suddenly that loving, devoted father turned into the biggest a$$hold you'd ever want to meet.  We all began to see a side of him that we never thought was there, so don't be surprised.  DO seek counsel to cover your butt & your kids. He's leaving you but kisses you & says I love you?  Are you kidding me?  If THAT'S love, you don't need it, sugar.  Talk about dangling the carrot.  It's mean & cruel & setting you up for false hopes.  Also known as emotional blackmail & unfair manipulation.  If I were in your shoes, I'd want to know what his agenda is.  "Excuse me?  You LOVE me?  Really?  Then WHY are you leaving us?  Why would you say that & still walk out?"   To coin Dr. Phil, "What's your payoff??" I have no idea how old your children are, but Oprah recently had a show about talking to your kids about divorce/separation.  In talking with the children on the show, after the break-ups, ALL the children were left hurt, worried, confused, feeling like it was their fault.  It was recommended by O's expert that you BOTH sit down with your kids & you BOTH tell them about the split up.  Assure them that it has nothing at all to do with them, assure them that it is NOT their fault & that there is nothing they could have done to stop it.  Allow them to show their emotions, be it anger, sadness, tears, whatever.  The most important thing is that you set aside your adult problems for that time, with no blaming each other, & concentrate on how this change in your children's homelife is going to affect them.  Privately, beforehand, establish some ground rules & goals to achieve.  Those kids are the most important people in your lives right now & your break up should have nothing to do with your parenting.  They need to be assured that you both still love them & that you are both there for them. Counseling was suggested.  By all means, get some, with or without him.  This is a HUGE change in your family dynamic & has put stresses on all of you in relation to  stability, comfort zone, security. It sadden my heart to read your words for I could feel your pain & shock in all this.  All we can really do is offer our love & support during this time for you.  Allow yourself 15 minutes to waller around in the muck of it all...own your feelings about it.  But after that, get up strength, Girl!  Get pissed.  Do what you HAVE to do in order for you & those babies to survive this with minimal damage.  Whether he chooses to be a part of the adjustment process or not has nothing to do with what YOU will do.  Be strong, my friend.  There IS life after a breakup.  And believe me...you should never NEED a man in your life...but rather wish to SHARE your life with him.  As the commercial says....Never let them see you sweat!  In the meantime, we are here for you.

One thing I love about Ann is she tells it how it is!! I wanted to say the same things to you but held back..... I don't want to hurt you any more than you hurt - but - as Dr Phil would also say - Get Real here! Any man who could leave around the festive time of year and destroy it for your kids is a jerk...... he does not care or he would have waited.... You really need to force a meeting with him and a decision from him once and for all - and when he says he wants to leave - you need to let him go - someone who hurts you like that is not worth your time and attention.... you need to limit the damage to your kids. Do not go hanging on his every word or checking up on everything he is doing - tempting as it is - because you hurt yourself more - and to be honest you make yourself look pathetic - in his eyes as well as in your own.... I do not know him like you but it sounds to me as if he has already made his choice - it is you that is not accepting it. Go to counselling on your own,  get legal advice and financial advice and do not let him away with anythingh. I have been dovorced and I always say you do not someone until you divorce them!!  It always comes down to money in the end - do not let yourself suffer more than you currently are. Once he sees you are serious, he will know you have taken him seriously. We don't know if he will come back but do not continue being the victim here - you will feel much better when you have taken a little action.... It may be he is scared of something but not telling you - maybe the new house - but it is still a terrible way of going about it. Only you know the answers here but I urge you to take some kind of action to safeguard yourself. and your kids... they are the innocent victims here and seeing you so upset will not help them in any way - protect their feelings and even arrange some couselling for them too.... so they can get their feelings out in the open without fear of hurting mommy..... I wish you all the best - this is a very difficult situation - I have a friend whose husband left her the week she came home from surgery - totally out of the blue - but she has a wonderful new partner now even though she is still bitter and at the time thought she would never get over it- noew she wonders why she ever put up with some of his antics - there is an after life from this....even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Jackie Jackie

**Ann hi-5's Jackie**  I agree with everything you said.  You put things much gentler than I do so if I came across abrasive, I didn't mean to.  It just really pissed me off when he says I love you but still leaves.  With friends like that, who needs enemies?!

Absoulutely true. I also want to add that when it comes to the children it would be AWESOME if the both of you could be mature and loving adults and work with the kids through this but if he doesnt hold up his end of the bargain then YOU still can!!! One thing I absoulutly pride myself in is how I have handled myself with my son from my earlier marriage. Kids dont deserve to be hurt. He didnt make the decisions that I did. He has NEVER seen me cry, he has NEVER seen us argue, He has NEVER heard me or anyone of my friends or family talk down about his father. And even tho Im sure he has heard these things from the otherside...there is nothing that would make me do those things infront of my son. He knows that at one time we loved eachother very much, he knows that because every picture I had of our times together are hanging in his room...he knows that he had nothing to do with the divorce and that noone is angry with him. And of all the horrible things his dad did to him or put infront of his concern for him, the times he left town or skipped jobs to avoid child support will NEVER be discussed with him from my end...why does he need to know??? It will only hurt him and it wont make me feel any better so why would I disclose that info. You can only hope and pray that the father turns out to be a caring father outside of the home as he was inside of the home BUT if he doesnt hold up his end of the bargain...then YOU work EXTRA hard to make your children happy! That's all you can do!  No regrets!!!! Hang in there...fake it till you make it...I SWEAR it works! Smile............be strong!!!!!!!!!! One day you'll wake up and you wont care anymore I promise!!!!!!!!!!!! You just had this life altering surgery...not too long down the road your gonna be a FOX with all kindsa energy and self esstem to help you through it all...Just pray and hold on tight! Brandi~