Trying to stop the cycle

Mary D.
on 4/9/08 2:22 am, edited 4/9/08 2:26 am - Richmond, VA

Well, here I am. I was actually embarrassed reading Jill’s post about the card I sent her, because I have not been feeling so great about myself lately… hence, my disappearance from the Board. I don’t know if it’s just a post-plastic surgery funk, or just old habits creeping back in to torture me, but I have not been with it for the last couple of weeks. To make matters worse, I have been eating poorly more days than not and we all know how much THAT helps… NOT!!

Part of my self-torture is that I don’t feel like I deserve support when I get like this. I withdraw into my shell and usually bring a candy bar with me. When, when, when will I not turn to food for comfort, distraction, and busy-ness? Sometimes lately I feel like I’m turning to it to deliberately make myself feel worse, as if I don’t deserve to feel anything different. I know that these old ways take a LONG time to disappear, but they can’t if I’m still holding onto them!

So I have been plodding around here, reading posts but not replying and connecting with people, but missing everyone so very much. I have started some “spring cleaning” projects, but not finished them and can feel the anxiety around that. I have procrastinated enough on work tasks that now I’m noticeably behind and feeling the pressure. I have wasted time and money with shopping for things that I don’t need, because it provides a good distraction to my thoughts. Unfortunately, I have NOT exercised at all and that’s the one thing that I know would help me. And then, of course, there’s the self-imposed isolation from people who understand the struggle.

I decided today that the first step in helping myself out of this funk was to come here, post about what’s going on with me and be fully accountable. Then, ask for prayers and support and take stock of things. I’ve made a protein drink with a flavor that I love and have some good, high quality food selected for today (and plan to actually eat it, rather than find myself at the UKrops bakery looking for cake and cookies). I’m also going to try and end the “Town Meeting” that’s been going on in my head for a while. Oh, the Town Meeting… when all the “Mary haters” gather together for the sole purpose of reminding me how awful I am and how I will never, ever change. Sometimes I fight back, sometimes I just give up and agree. Today I will fight, and fight hard.

Mary D.
Pre op: 260 lbs, 5'3"
Goal reached 14 months later: 130 lbs
Regain over next 3.5 years to a high of: 166 lbs
Current weight: 135.8 lbs and heading back to 130 lbs!!

Ms Court
on 4/9/08 2:28 am - Remington, VA

RNY on 11/30/05

Keep on fighting those "Mary Haters". I think we all have these funks, days, weeks, etc. And yes those old habits do come creeping up on us. It is so hard to fight those demons. Just keep on trying Mary & remember we are here for you. :)

Courtney 305/155/150/225 high/goal/low/current
**The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat...Albert Einstein **

vagirl00
on 4/9/08 2:52 am

RNY on 09/19/07 with

I think we can all relate to what you are going through ... in individual ways, of course. I have the Cindy-haters, a large group that meets often! The old demons sure are tough to shake. Hang in there, Mary, and know that you have a great support system right here. If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Cindy

5'9" 347/200/186/180

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

....Helen Keller

Kitty Kat
on 4/9/08 3:13 am - Richmond, VA

RNY on 01/29/03

Hiya Mary and welcome to the "Loomie Gloomies" club! Sincerely woman Jill, myself and others have been trying to banish them and we NEED to be of support to each other. I completely understand and sympathize with what you are saying. Its NEVER easy when we begin withdrawing. Its a vicious cycle and frankly it happens more often than we ALL would like to admit. Its VERY much a struggle this life long addiction with food. Its incredibly hard for me to deal with my own struggles but then I remind myself that no matter what I've faced there are arms stretched open to me to wrap around me and let me break, hearts flowing with love along with shoulders for my head to rest, phone numbers to folks who seem to know just what say/do to lift my spirits, etc that I can reach out to even when I'm in my most dire moments above all the Lord is there as well. We are our own harshest critics and we tend to beat ourselves up and let others who don't always have our best intentions in focus to do the same. But, you TRY and that's important. You've come here and reached out and in addition to admitting which is the first step ASKING for help is the next and here we find you and here you find us. It has been such a pleasure spending time with you and I really & truly hope you know how important you are to me and others here. So, although I'm not there in person my arms are open wide to you and I'm here for you and want you to know that you are NOT alone and never will be. Please know that in all you face you've got choices and struggle you will but you will never go it alone. Many hugs to you and lots of prayers. HEART U!

Kitty Kat - Lap RNY 29th Jan 03

Blessed Momma to ♥ Kayla & Nora ♥

Sober since 25th Aug 07 www.the-butterfly-chronicles.blogspot.com

Thankful for the easy, grateful for the hard & hopeful for tomorrow.

SWEET Tink
on 4/9/08 3:16 am

Oh Sweety , those are lies.. liars .. and those voices are there to steal your joy . You are such a great success and inspiration . And you must tell yourself this when you hear those lies . I too hear them .. I have learned to put them in their place and I refuse to hear them any more . Gosh do I know where you are . It is so easy to slip .And reach for the comfort of food . You have come here today , and brought it out and forward . That is a great step . You have so many people here that love you and support you . Accountablity is the key . Jill had a great post a couple months back , I wish I could find it . But it says that only you can be accountable for what you choose, what you do and your goals . And with your success you clearly show you have in the past been accountable . You are human sweety and we all go through so much sometimes that becomes bigger than we are. Please know that you are special . That you shine as bright as a star to us . Remember that you can change anything you want . And I know Mary .. that you are a fighter and you will get through this . You can always call to talk . I miss our talks.. and I miss you . Just know you will be in my thoughts and prayers .. and that I am here for you . Believe Mary .. Shut down the Liars in your head . Be stronger than they are . Fight the fight and win ! Love you , Natalie

Proud Obesity Help Bariatric Life Coach
Proud Obesity Help Support Group Leader
Fighting Daily the Disease We Call Obesity !
www.obesityhelp.com/group/LifeStartsWLS08
www.vawlsevents.com
Helping Others Find Their Way to a Life They Deserve!

(deactivated member)
on 4/9/08 4:24 am - Fredericksburg, VA

RNY on 02/22/06 with

Mary - here I am offering you a big hug!!! You are only human and you have been very hard on yourself. When our bodies have surgery and we get all out of whack it is easy to let old habits slip back in and say you can deal with them another day. I am Queen of the Procrastinators, believe me!! I never do today what can be out off until tomorrow!! lol! But you are coming out of that funk because you have reached out to others and admitted what has been going on with you - so you know it is time to get yourslef back on track and where you need to be - and not in Ukrops feeding your demons! Do not let your demons rule your life! You have been very successful and you look wonderful and so many of us look up to you - because you are human! We all fall but the ability to pick ourselves back up again and fight back is within us all. You are not a failure - take a look at your before and after pictures - how can you say you failed?? You went through major plastic surgery - that means your body and defense systems are all lowered - but not out! You have the will - anyone who puts themselves through PS is much tougher than even they imagine! You are that person! So pick yourself up - hold your head high and tell yourself and the world that you are a success and that you fought obesity and won!! You are not going back! You are here to stay! Mary, we love you and are all here for you - lean on us if you need to - anyone one of us would proudly give you our shoulder to cry on!! Call me if you want to! hugs and kisses Jackie

mclean
on 4/9/08 4:33 am - Warrenton, VA

RNY on 11/14/06

Hey Mary, It's Spring and one thing I know after working so hard to loose the weight is how much I appreciate the world around me even more!! I do get into my own little funks from time to time but one of the ways I get out of it is to walk with my dog and see how the winter is evolving into a beautilul spring, The trees and flowers in bloom, baby animals are appearing and beginning to explore. I went to VCU and remember the beautiful parks there. My friend got married in the Italian gardens in Maymont park, it was beautiful. I'll bet getting outside more and just being around the fresh new growth will help to pep you up and Richmond is a great place to walk. I don't know where you live there, but driving to a beautiful place to walk is often well worth it! Can you find people to walk with? I try to meet with a girlfriend whenever we can and we power walk and chat at the same time and by the time we're finished we're practically dragging our dogs behind us but we feel exhilerated! I hope to meet you sometime, I think you and I might have alot in common. Please read my bio. I have a 13 year old son and he's a good kid but with all of the hormones flying around he can be a handfull !! I do get amazing support from him and my husband too. It's a lot right now though,still learning to live with all of the changes we have going on in our lives with WLS and then plastics for you too! I am sure when you you are recovering it's sometimes hard to keep it all in perspective especially when you don't feel well! We all have days when we make poor food choices too! Just remember, every day is a new day and we can always go back to the basics we learned with WLS in the beginning. I'm glad you are back on the board. I have seen you offer some darn good suggestions to people who need a little nudge or simply extra support. Thanks for supporting me receintly ,when I had a naysayer comment rudly about the suggestions I had made! The cool thing about the OH message board is that we can all be there for one another when we need it and everyone has those days when they need a little TLC! In the fall when I have my plastics I hope you can be there on the board for my tough days too! Take care and don't loose sight of the end results you are seekingI have no doubt it will be worth it in the end! Take Care!! Ann/McLean

Ann S.
on 4/9/08 9:06 am - Middletown, VA

Lap Band on 07/16/07 with

I am sooooo proud of you!! That took courage to sit down & post your feelings so candidly. And wow, did you ever take ownership of your self-sabotage. Been there, done that, sweetie. For mysef, I find it much easier to face my demons once I've "confessed my sins" as it were, to others that I know will understand, that have been there before. Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts & feelings. Now, would do something for me? Well, actually it won't be for ME...it will be for you. I want you to physically get up & go to a mirror. I want you to look into that mirror at the face you see before you. I want you to smile at her & see if she smiles back (I bet she will). I want you to turn to the left, then turn to the right, all the time looking at her in the mirror. I promise she will be looking too & admiring what she sees. You could even turn all the way around & show her your tiny little butt! And if you're nice to her & wink at her, I bet she'll wink back. Of course we are all going to be here for you any time of the day or night, but you can also be your own bestfriend. That pretty lady in the mirror will ALWAYS love you unconditionally. So go make up with your mirror self & soon you won't be having to confess your sins. I love you, Mary.

Hugs!
Ann

Please help support our troops in harm's way. Go to AnySoldier.com
Tomorrow is our future...yesterday our history...today our surprise & that's why it's called Present!

wjoegreen
on 4/9/08 9:22 am - Colonial Heights, VA

RNY on 09/26/06

Mary, Mary, Mary,...... When you don't want to come talk, is whenyou maybe need to the most, unless yo are out and so actively involved you are tooo busy. Mary, Mary, Mary,.....tsh, tsh, tsh. We love yu man,..er um woman,..uh,...girl!! Yeah, thats it. We love ya girl. When you're having problems, come on out here with us other losers and see what we're dealing with. If you're good, give advice. If you're not, then just jump in here with the rest of us. We celebrate success together and we comiserate (didn't get that right did I?) together. Besides, clicking and typing burns calories and keeps your hands on the keyboard and away from the lift and chew exercise thingy....

joe

Joe Green
Colonial Heights VA
[email protected]

Lauren B
on 4/9/08 10:14 am - VA

RNY on 12/10/07

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGE HUGS!!!! We are here for you and you'll get over this hump. Sometimes things just get overwhelming, especially when it's YOU who's doing the overwhelming by overthinking things or sabotaging yourself. Just remember that you are not alone and whenever you need help or just a listening ear, come here pop in a hello like you did. Talk to you soon.

369/175/136
Highest Weight/Goal/Current Weight
233lbs LOST!!
Maintenance going strong!

Trying to stop the cycle

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Trying to stop the cycle