Relationships and WLS

My husband has increasingly begun to worry about our relationship as I lose weight.  I suspected that we would go down this road at some point, and headed it off way back in the finding out about surgery phase, that WLS was a means to us having a baby, which obviously means we would be together.  DUH!!  I've even gone so far as to say that if I had no intention of children, I would be fat and happy and eating my McD's every other day.  I guess not literally, but you know what I mean. It started off with a few odd comments about my "other boyfriends" and has now escalated to him sharing two dreams he had with me where I had either left him, or considered leaving him because I had some sort of tempation on the side.  And that coming from a man who has NEVER remembered his dreams in the eight years we've been together, so it must really be stuck in his head.  He even tried to trap me the other day by saying he went in my email and saw what I had deleted (which was nothing, because it's not like I'm emailing people and deleting messages!!).  I just laughed and said "oh yeah, well did you read anything good?".  But now I wonder if he really IS looking at my email - looking for some sort of evidence that won't be found. I have talked at him in length, that my changing weight and body is for our future, and each day will be more exciting because I will be able to do more.  There are things we just were never able to do, like hiking, camping, amusement parks, etc. etc.  All things that we both enjoyed before we met but never shared together because my weight got in the way. And adding to that is our physical relationship, which has always been great in the past, but now is a constant bother to me because, when before I wasn't in the mood or whatever it was no big deal.  Now it has turned into him accusing me of not loving him, not wanting him, or wanting someone else.  I'd have to say this is a nearly nightly or every other night rift.  It is all ridiculous.  He has always had more of a drive than me, I have always affectionately nicknamed him "the clinger" whereas I'm just not that way.  I'm big on the time being right, or spontanaity.  Not the nightly, "why don't you want to touch me" speech.  Geez. How have you all addressed these concerns that came up with your significant other?  How do I rest his weary soul and make him understand that I'm not losing weight to go out and find a new man?

Hey Lauren.  This is a common situation with WLS.  Lots of people go through it.  The theory is that the other partner gets worried that they aren't good enough (or that you feel they aren't) now that you are losing weight & looking great.  Just keep sitting with him & talking with him.  Remind him that he loved you when you were heavy, that you feel in love with him, that just because you are losing weight you aren't going to forget that love.  The physical thing can be another issue.  You figure you are looking hotter so of course he is going to want you more, which just leads to more fights if you aren't in the mood.  A positive note, a lot of us ladies do start to get more of a drive as we start feeling sexier & more confident with ourselves. 

You know I don't know that I've ever put it to him that way...that he loved me all the years that I was heavy.  That was one of the things that always made me so happy...that he always found me attractive no matter what.  I'll make sure to tell him that.  :)  And I hope my drive does go up.  It would just make things easier on us.  And more fun!  :)

Do tell him that, tell him you wouldn't want to throw that away.  As for the drive, maybe push yourself some, if you aren't really in the mood, try anyway, sometimes all it takes is a little bit of play to put a person in the mood. 

Awww Angel!  I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I don't have any answers since I am single and haven't had the surgery.  But I did want you to know that I am so thinking about you and hoping that you and Nate are able to work through this.  I am sure it is hard on you and I wish things could get easier.  If you ever want to talk or need to vent, you KNOW I am here.  Many hugs to you!!! Theresa

Thank you Theresa!  I'm so glad we've connected the way we have.  :)

Get ready for a lot of changes Theresa.  I think you are absolutel adorable now.  You have the cutest smile, when that weight starts to drop & you aren't invisible to others, your attention attracting is going to sky rocket.

The changes that could happen scare me the most.  And you almost made me cry with your compliments.  Yep, I actually felt the eyes filling up.  Smiling is not something I do alot of unless it involves Cameron...  But that day, with Cameron being silly and having such a great time with Lauren...  Who could NOT smile.  And oh I don't know what I'm gonna do with the positive attention.  I am so not used to anything but negative.  Any advice will be welcome.  Thanks so much Court.  You have made my day!!! Hugs, Theresa

Yo Lelia, It happens on the guy side to.  Similar problems here.  Its a long story but you are not alone. I just had to decide am I going to stay and try to work this out or throw up my hands and flush the last 27 years.  I think 27 years deserves more patience and effort to make things work.  But its not easy day to day.  You have my empathy and best wishes for things to work out for you guys.  If you ever think it might help for me to talk with your hubby about all the stuff we go through as our bodies change and the attention and the win-win situation he is in, I'd be glad to give it  the old college try. Of coursee jealousy means he loves you and thins you're "hot" enough that other guys must be hitting on you.  Thats a good thing if you can get through it. Your friend (who is not hitting on you), Joe

I'm glad to hear a mans perspective on this!  that's for the offer.  If need be, i'll let you know.  :)