Relationships and WLS

Good pm! Ahhhh this is something we ALL face. I cannot name ONE person I've come in contact with who hasn't struggled with this on their side or their significant others side. ***WARNING*** MY personal thoughts/opinions not intended to provide ANYTHING but support and lessons taught/learned. Personally, I have found that there were red flags/issues prior to WLS that weren't dealt with in the manner they should have been. That lead to not only those things carrying over to my post-op journey but a whole other set of issues. Its all been a learning process and its been easy and hard and everything in between. There are a few things I want to point out (lessons taught and learned type thing). First, if there are issues NOW address them NOW. Trust me when I say putting them off only makes things more complicated. Second, its tough because our partners are used to us looking and acting a certain way and we WILL deviate from that no matter how much we THINK we won't change. Ask him to join you for the ride. Next, there is the very real need for personal time and space between even the closest of couples/relationships. There needs to be "you" time and "him" time and then "we" time. Then, he's feeling a lot of anxiety. You are changing and he's worried/scared. Its normal and you should let him know you are experiencing those feelings and emotions he is as well. Lastly, (there is PLENTY more but I cannot possibly entertain all of them here) WORDS + ACTIONS are VERY, VERY important. Communication is the key and more importantly for men (in general/not all) they NEED actions. Merely saying "I'm doing this for our future or for a, b, c all they think are mostly negatives because they cannot "see" what you are saying. Hope some, all or any of this helps. Know that you are not alone. All best!!

Great response.  Thank you!  And you are definatley right on that whatever problems there are pre-WLS are just magnified post-WLS.  Also, there is another tid bit that I forgot to share in my original post.  He had a previous girlfriend who had WLS and cheated on him post surgery.  So that plays a large part in it too.  This was something that we talked about in counseling prior to surgery that I am not "Jane" and my actions would not be the same as her.  He admitted at that time that the whole sugery thing made him nervous even if it was for the right reasons - health and happiness. Thank you!

Well here is a wrinkle....and I hope I am not asking something too personal...what's his weight situation? My wife is a tiny, so it's working out nicely here. We were oil and water: she the vegetarian, me the fat carnivore. Now we're striking balance. She does tell me that she feels a little isolated because I am on my way down, but I'm heading to where she is. Now my ex-wife and I are not always the most friendly, but she's especially snarky to me of late. I think it has to do with jealousy because she has always struggled with her weight and is now watching me happy and losing.

I see what you're getting at here... He's a bigger guy.  But has lost 50lbs himself over the last year and has gotten back to the weight he was when we first met.  He's 6'0" and 235-240ish.  I joke with him that he can't lose anymore weight or I won't have my teddy bear anymore.  HA HA.  I think he's evening out now and has maintained his current weight for about 6months or so.  He's proud of himself and is definately more healthy this way. At least he doesnt' have to worry that I would ever find someone thinner more attractive than him.  I prefer the larger teddy bear type.  :)

Hi Lauren, I am not going to be much help here as I did and have not had any issues in my mariage since my WLS. We had a good relationship before and it continues to be good now.  It may be because Bill is blind so my looks did not matter in any way to him and although he is very proud of me, he still can't really see any difference other than my shape. Losing weight did not change me as a person, just changed my health. Now for many people it is totally different I know, but I was a happy person before and continue to be that way now....... I have seen some friends relationships change but it is usually because there were problems in their marriage prior to surgery but they did not address them and some of their marriages broke up when they found different partners....... I think some people "settle" for partners that are not relly suitable but they believe it is the best they can get because they are overweight  - once they lose the weight they don't want to settle any more. In your case these feelings your husband is having are natural and he is anxious about losing you.  It shows that he does love you. My advice would be to keep communicating with him and keep the lines of communication open. Once he sees you are still there and not leaving he will start to feel better - or you could both attend counselling before this matter gets out of hand if you feel it is in danger of doing so... Good luck!!

Jackie

Thank you Jackie!  I will definatley consider counseling if need be.  We actually seeked help prior to surgery and discussed his fears in counseling at that time.  I think it may help again.  For now, I'm going to keep up with my positive reinforcement and letting him know everyday how thankful I am for what the love we have in EACH OTHER.  :)

Hang in there kiddo they all or we all go trough this in some way or the other and I dont need to go on about here. It can get old so its best you sit down with the hubby and get it out on the table now and just explain to him your feelings and he his. Will be looking forward to seeing you next week.  

Thanks!  I will definately leave the lines of communication open with him and hopefully everything will even out.  :)

Lauren, I'm sorry you are going through this rough time. Thankfully I have not experienced any of this with my hubby.  How about counseling? There is also a spouses board here. http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/spouses_of_wls_patients/po sts.html hugs

Thanks!  I will mention the spouses board to him!