At my witt's end...need help

Ok gang, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but I'm about ready to just throw in the towel & accept that I will NEVER be below 200!! I'm self sabotaging daily like I'm out of control.  I can feel depression setting in & I don't know how to stop it.  I'm just kinda hating life as I know it right now.  My brain knows what I SHOULD be doing, but I don't feel any control over my actions.  Since I don't have a support group to turn to, I turn to ya'll.  Here I am 9 months post op & I'm sitting at 216!!  That's only 30 lbs less than I started!  I've gotten down to 205...could practically taste 199...then boom!  Back up 5, 6, 10 lbs.  It's like why even try??? I'm so tired of food getting stuck for no apparent reason.  I'm tired of running to the bathroom & throwing up.  I try to eat the right things in the right amounts, but I'm always still hungry.  I take 30 minutes to eat...for that matter, I usually take an hour, just to make sure I'm chewing enough.  Still I throw up, still it gets stuck.  But no problem getting down peanut M&Ms, or malted milk balls, or chocolate milk, or doughnuts, or chips & dips.  How come I don't barf that stuff up? I try to remind myself that my body has been through a lot these past few weeks what with having the flu for 2 weeks & then unexpected surgery.  But geez....why am I feeling so out of control???  I don't get it.  I'm so doggone frustrated! Tink, I can hardly wait for that support group to start up here in Winchester...maybe I should camp out on the doorstep starting NOW!!!

Ann, I just woke from my pain pill enduced sleep from this dang kidney stone and seen your post.  I am hearing ya .. and Oh so feeling your stresses . You have been through A LOT here lately . I would not get so down about the weight loss right at this moment . What you may want to do is just sit down , take a look at the very moment you are having these hunger moments. Sometimes looking at what triggers our hunger gives us a means to correct it . I know for me , if I do not have my water bottle in hand , I want to graze. So I carry it all the time .   I know when I get stressed , I still want to turn to food for comfort. What I have done from the very beginning is to challenge the stress moments with exercise, or writing down my thoughts and plans. I do anything I can to distract my mouth from that donut .. most times than not .. it works.  Your wait times on your eating sounds right on the money .  I am wondering if it is the type of protein that you are eating that is causing food to get stuck . I know for me . anything with the texture of steak or really thick meat protein , I get stuck. But you are right .. M&M's go down pretty dang good for me too.. as well as chips.. So if find if I want one or 2 I get the baked kind .. or find some pea pods .. this really does good for me to scare away the need to crunch .  Never throw in the towel . You can do this . I really think you need to for now just heal from all you have been through. Take some notes on When , What , Were and How your eating goes .. and work on that . And to always keep the fluids coming in . This keeps you fuller longer.  Also, do any of your meds have weight gain - or hunger side effects ? And .. great news on the Support Group. Jill and I just talked this week about the start up dates . Looking like Mid-June . We are searching for a place now to hold it . Somewhere not affiliated with food .. but more of a meeting place. We will let you know as soon as we can when and where .  Just hang in there ! You can do this !  Tink

Ann- I completely understand....I'm in the same boat....bouncing between 200 and 205 for the past few months....so frustrating and depressing at times. Tink had a great idea about figuring out the "why" of the sabotage, but at the same time, in your case, please don't underestimate the power of the anesthesia you just had for your surgery. I know for me depression was harder to fight right after surgery (I had two remember...one for WLS, one to remove my gallbladder), which made those emotions that I didn't need to eat through a bit harder to handle. SO...I think it's a combo solution....work on the why, but also realize you've been through a lot and your body may be working against you at this point with the anesthesia. How's the exercise piece? I know for a fact that's what's holding me back....still working on figuring out why I can't seem to get that motivation going to do that for myself.

Good am Ann, It's very frustrating what you are going through but you are certainly not alone. Some key factors to consider at this point are you've just gone/come through a surgery requiring anesthesia which has long lasting affects on our bodies for months and months following receiving them. It changes the ways things taste, our moods by throwing off our brain and its normal functions, our bodies are trying to recover but are weak and we feel as if there isn't much we can do. Depression is a bugger of proportional size and its not easy to work through all this when you feel lost. Purge your home of any and all treats such as the peanut m&m's, malted milk balls, chocolate milk etc. You know that you shouldn't have them so make a proactive decision to forgo even buying them. I do know its hard when you have others in the house that buy things and its temptation island all over. Heavier more dense foods are going to be an issue. You might try breaking them down quite a bit more. You might consider starting over ...getting back to basics with sizing out your meals, planning ahead of time and really and truly focusing on eating healthier. You have been through quite a bit lately and you need to remember that recovery encompasses more than just wanting to get/feel better. Make proactive decisions to get out everyday and walk, walk, walk. Set out specific meals days in your day and stick to them. Begin using a food journal to document everything you eat and drink. In fact, in my profile I have one that I use if you interested. When you eat choose protein first then work your way through the rest. You might consider hitting liquids (high in protein), yogurts, soups, broths, jell-o, sf pops etc for a couple days to get your body flushed out and back to some normalcy. In addition, water (or variations of it healthy wise like Crystal Light, Lemon, Lime etc) is your best friend. A support group is incredibly important and even if there isn't one around you now or yet we are here. Hold yourself accountable and remember you are not alone. Hugs and love, K

Good Morning, Anne Ok...Not going to say much more than what has already been said, but, let me stress that you have been through a lot here lately.  You just had major surgery, so you should not stress about it.  So, don;t be so down on yourself. Like the others have already said....remove all of the garbagae from your house and only allow the good stuff in.  Do you journal?  Writing down your feed will keep you accountable to what youa re really eating - we all have selective memory when it comes to food and exercise.  Plus, this will allow you to really watching your protein, carbs and fats. Has your doctor released for walking?  Walking is a great exercise, it's cheap and fairly easy to do.  Does not require any special equipment and is a great way to clear your head.  Just make sure that you have your doc's permission before heading out the door.  But, with the weather getting so nice, it's a great mood booster. Are you drinking your water?  You have 2 kidneys....use them!  Drinking your fluids not only flushes toxins out of your body, but it also aids in digestion and will help you feel fuller longer.  South Beach just came out with these drink mixes called "Tide Me Over".  Flavor is decent and it does help when you are still an hour or so away from a meal and you feel like you need a little something. You had the lapband, is that correct?  If so, just remember that you will have to work a little harder than those with the RNY, and you are able to eat the high sugar/fat things without the dumping side effect.  But...in all honesty....you will not die without them, and when reaching for them that's what you should ask yourself.  If I choose to NOT eat this...would I die.  The answer is no, so move it along. Be positive.....and know....we are ALL here for you at ALL times.  (((hus))) to you!

Everyone else said pretty much what I would have said so I will just say "I LOVE YOU"!!!!!!!!!!

Nope. I'm not gonna let you throw in the towel. You wouldn't let me. The others have pretty much said it all. I'm here to tell you to hang on and I adore you!

Ann I just want you to know that we all love you and will support you in anyway we can. Do not give up you have gone through alot and you need to take it one day at a time. God we ask that you be with Ann and help her in anyway that you can.

Have I told ya'll lately that you are an amazing family?  Even though I felt a lot of shame in writing what I did, I KNEW it was the right thing to do for several reasons.  Ya'll have been-there-done-that in one way or another so you totally understand; confession is good for the soul & the mind; there may be others out there feeling like I do that don't yet have the courage to speak up when they're feeling puny.  Nat, before I go on about ME, let me say thank you for reaching out from your sick bed.  Seeing you post here lets me know that you are well on your way to mending & that makes my heart soar! Ok, I read all your posts & they lifted my spirits quite a bit.  Of course I already KNEW what ya'll would say, but seeing in print, before my eyes, made it easier to take into my brain. No, I haven't been keeping a journal, so I need to get back to that.  Exercise is still out for awhile.  This new device is twice as big as the last one...probably because it has a whole new job.  Now not only do I have the shocks when needed, but I'm being paced 24/7, thus the need for 3 leads instead of just the 1.  He says that up til now my heart would beat from side to side instead of that nice rolling rythm that I'm sure some of you have seen on graphic tv shows.  Not enough electricity getting to the whole organ.  My new device will make it beat properly now & he expects me to begin enjoying better function by way of more energy.  As with anything new, it just takes some time.  The sight itself, where he put it, is up in my shoulder & the steri-strips have only just fallen off a couple days ago, so the wound is still healing.  Lots of pain.  LOTS of pain.  I've been trying to wean myself off the pain meds...hate that foggy feeling...but I may have to go back on them for a bit longer.  I can stand a lot of pain, so if I'm asking for it, there's a lot.  One of you asked if I'm taking any meds that would cause hunger?  I suppose that's entirely possible.  I never even thought to consider that.  I will see both the cardio & my family doc next week so I will go over my list with them both & see if that could be a contributing factor.  Exercise as I have come to know it, which was going to the hospital for my supervised workouts has been put on hold as they require use of my arms.  Even doing the treadmill requires me to hold on & they are worried that if for some reason I were to stumble or something that reaching out quickly could pull the incision site.  So I'm frustrated by the lack of exercise.  After I wrote to ya'll last night, I kept thinking about causes & my surroundings, trying to figure out what else had changed recently.  Well, I think I've hit on something significant.  My son, Matt, who some of you have met...well, he's sort of become an enabler with alterior motives.  He has started picking up weight lately...up two pants sizes.  So here's how I see it.  I get a craving for something bad.  I can't go get it cuz I'm not cleared to drive yet, but HE CAN.  So he goes to the store for me & while there he gets what HE wants too.  Usually it's the same thing I want or similar.  So the way I see it, he's using me to sabotage him & I'm using him to sabotage me.  Make sense?  So, with that revelation, I had him read what I wrote to ya'll.  He was very quiet for a time, mulling it over in his mind.  So we have decided to work together to get back on the right path.  No more sabotaging.  As for ridding the house of the bad stuff...we already did...we ate it!! LOL  But that was before I wrote ya'll. I know that this is a constant work in progress.  I know that we are all gonna slip from time to time.  I also know that it's just as easy to step back onto the right path as it was to step off.  I just need to get my determination back.  And that old problem of having patience with myself...Jackie, Courtney, Kat...ya'll are always getting after me about needing to work on patience.  I guess I got shorted on that part of the gene pool.   I just reminded myself that I had major surgery only 10 days ago & found myself thinking...really?  Only 10 days ago?  I guess in the drugged fog time slows down cuz it really seems like it was so much longer ago than that.  Of course all I have to do it move my left arm to be remind. Thank you all so much for being my friends, my ohana.  I don't promise a miraculous cure over night, but I will promise to implement the suggestions you have made & we'll see how things go.  Each morning starts a new day, right?  Thanks!!!

Ann, Great post and thansk for putting this private stuff out there. Admission is half the fight and you've done that.  1. Draw a line in the sand with what you will and won't eat anymore.  You didn't have this doen so you can eat M7Ms and malted chocolate balls, and such,..so don't do that.  I have found a fruit smoothie with some chocolate protein powder a delicious replacement for cold and creamy satisfaction of ice cream and chocolate.  A chocolate protein bar can be a initial substitute for other such chocolate pleasure but find the ones that are better for you, the Detour low sugar, Pure Protein, Balance, and EAS bars are good choices.  But remember thay are protein sources and too much sugar alcohol will make yo feel ill and too much proetin at one time will make you feel ill, so no more than 1 or 2 at a time (more is not better in all cir****tances). Lastly, I have had some bouts with depression too and tried to tuff my way through only to find out I need more potassium.  A banana made a hug difference with a couple of hours. I now try to eat at least one banana a day and take a potassium supplement every morning.  I still have real negative days but they are not so often and I tryto recognize them for what they are and get some more potassium in me and start trying to thingk about the blessing in  my life rather having that nothing matters/who cares attitude ruin my day. Hang in there killer.  We are all pulling for you.