Confession is good for the soul...

Ok, I'm gonna be the stirrer of the  pot this time & bring up an issue that I feel is very important to consider, think about, mull over. As most of you, if not all, know already, I've been experiencing difficulties here lately with depression & self sabotage.  I am finding out that in light of what's been going on in recent weeks, this is not only normal, but expected.  All of you that responded to "At My Witt's End" made a HUGE difference & were very helpful. Now, allow me to share with you all WHY I posted that.  Three reasons...1.  By seeing my feelings, thoughts, & actions in writing, before my eyes, it helped me to grasp the reality that some of it was due to depression...it helped me to identify it.  2.  It helps me to be accountable for my actions by sharing or "confessing" to others that which I already feel shame for but shouldn't.  3.  I hoped that my baring my "secrets" would encourage or help teach other newbies or even long-terms that it's ok to fall off the wagon sometimes & then reach out to others for help getting back on again. I mentioned the word shame.  Did we not endure shame while we were obese?  Did we not have to live with the embarrassment of not being able to fit in a seat, walk through a turnstile, fly on a plane in only one seat, look away from the stares & disgust of those around us?  I know I felt shame.   I felt embarrassed.  I felt self loathing.  And what did I do?  I medicated myself with food.  I ate all those "comfort foods" that we all love so much but are oh so bad for us.  I didn't mentally set out to make myself fat, but that was a direct effect to my coping skills.  Then I finally reached a point in my life where I HAD to make changes in order to save my life.  I found the courage to seek out help, jumped through all the hoops to obtain this surgery, went through the pain, discomfort, & fear of HAVING the surgery, not to mention the monumental task of trying to learn & put into practice all the things required to make this tool work for me.  By doing all that I've mentioned so far, as the weight has come off, some of the shame has dissipated as well. Then last week happened & I felt just as vulnerable as I did BEFORE surgery.  That's where courage came into play again.  I found the COURAGE to reach out to you all & speak of my "secrets" publicly...something I would not do before surgery.   I was prepared for whatever ya'll would say back to me.  I already knew most of it in my head but it was in my heart that I was struggling...in there where my FEELINGS are. I WANT you to come to this forum & KNOW that you can tell us anything & we will support you.  No matter where you are in your journey, this is a safe place.  With that said, you also need to know that you may not always hear what you want to hear.  Some are much more delicate & elloquent in the way they choose to express themselves in written word, & then there are folks like me that rarely sugar coat anything...the bull in the china shop...yet the heart behind the messages are still the same.  Love & compassion for the state you are in & a sincere desire to help you along & lift you back up. None of us can afford to keep secrets about this anymore.  We must be honest to ourselves first, & then find the courage to be honest with those that support us.  We cannot help fix something if we don't know it's broke!  I know this to be true, first hand, as you all have picked me up on more than one occassion.  So expect that you are gonna stumble, expect that you are gonna feel depressed, fearful, confused,  frustrated, ashamed, tired of it all...the whole gammit of emotions that goes along with this journey.  This is not a quick fix nor is it "taking the easy way out" as so many SKINNY people have said.  This is a daily work in progress & we need each other.  Together we can climb any mountain.

Anne, this is nice. I do feel that this is  a safe place to vent. When none of my friends or family understands this, I know you guys on here do. I do thank you all for that and without you , I probably would not be having the surgery. Thanks all, Penny

Hi Penny.  I am so glad you found your way here & that you "get it"...what this board is all about.  You are beginning such an amazing journey, Sweetie, full of excitement, ah-hah moments, pitfalls & worries.  And it's all worth it.  I am very happy to know that my message was received in the manner it was intended.

Anne - I just love you, thnk you for saying this....

Well I just love you too, Amanda!  All I can do is hang it out there & hope ya'll get the message in the way it was inteded...from the heart...& hopefully follow my lead & the lead of so many others.  I am so proud of your progress!!!

Good pm Ann, I'm VERY pleased you posted this. Every one on this board has experienced the very same feelings, thoughts and emotions and whether we've chosen to express or not to express them that's a different story. Of course we endured shame and WORSE when we are/were obese. In fact, we touch on emotions most of us probably didn't even know we are/were experiencing. It does take courage not only to reach out for help but ADMIT mistakes, tell the truth and the WHOLE truth (not just what you WISH you were doing, saying and acting upon) and keeping in mind we ALL falter regardless. One of the most important things to realize is that when you post/reply here you SHOULD expect replies/posts to yours in whatever capacity it comes to you. Yes, some folks may be blunt while others tend to be a bit more reserved but the point is you are posting/replying to receive something in return. Now, that statement sounds selfish maybe but think about it for minute. You are wanting to help, support, encourage etc others at times and then others you need those very things. If you posted/replied and NEVER got responses wouldn't you consider that detrimental to your journey? Of course! I often times see folks saying "I am in a funk or was and don't/didn't want to reply. Why? Do you think that you are the ONLY person going through what ever your situation may be? Are you worried you'll get responses you are not ready to accept? Do you already know that you aren't doing all the right things and are afraid others will know it leaving you vulnerable and worried/afraid? Do you REALLY want help, support, encouragement etc? Do you think your struggles aren't THAT important? Didn't we spend some many years working on getting OUT of the neggies as I call them (negative thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc)? Its been hard to deal with many things in my life especially since before WLS I didn't deal with a lot of issues from my past. I merely buried them like I tried burying my feelings and emotions and once I had WLS I did for a period make bad decisions, take bad advice, take no advice at all, return to behaviors I'd gotten away from and even turned to alcohol to "get away from it all." Its not been easy dealing with my alcohol addiction and publicly at that. In addition, when I admitted I had an issue and addressed I wasn't exactly met with unconditional support, love etc but instead I had to fight many folks and many demons and through it I've grown, learned and become stronger. I've changed my way of thinking about food, alcohol, stress, LIFE in fact and it didn't happen overnight. Just like with WLS its NOT gonna and didn't happen overnight. But, I haven't given up even though I've really and truly wanted to. I've not let nay sayers get me down but so much, I've not allowed the neggies to invade my heart, soul and life like I once did and I certainly have been around long enough to know that folks come around, they see and know the truth and they struggle at times just like I have. I think that when I need help TODAY I am much more inclined to post about it and reach out. Times change, I've changed and others change. If I post hey I've gained x amount of weight and here is what has happened and what I'm doing and I'd like support/feedback then I need to be accepting and embrace the support/feedback. Might it sting? Might it help? Might it help someone else when I'm being helped? OH YEAH! Fear is definitely THE emotion that runs all the others (in my opinion). So, it starts right now, today, in this moment that we need to remember all the feelings and emotions and thoughts we have been through and are going through and we need to realize that we CAN do something about them and we have choices. We can choose to sit in the corner and whine, be depressed, hurt, down, etc or we can come out of the corner and say "hey I NEED help." So, what's it gonna be? Ann, I love & support you and look forward to hearing from you about today's appointment. Thanks for sharing your struggles and story with me/us and there is light at the end of the tunnel but in the meantime, know we are here for you just as you are for us. Hugs..............

My Darling Kitty-Kat!!!  What a brave lady you are to bare your soul.  I am very proud of you.  You & others like you make my heart soar to the heavens. I love you too!

Anne - really nice message and so much from the heart.... Falling off the wagon is part of the journey and we all have choices in this journey - we can make good ones or we can make bad ones. Part of making bad ones is trying to understand why we do that and what brought us to this poijnt. We all have the answers within ourselves... sometimes just writing down what we have done makes us see if differently and most of us know what we have to do to get back on track - we just need some encouragement to get there..... We all fight our own personal demons - no-one is exempt from that - it  was what got us to where we are in the first place.... but admitting them and trying to abolish them is another part of our journey and we can do it - because we have friends here who will laugh with us, cry with us and support us -  yes chastise us sometimes  - but will always be here to help us along the way....... This is a safe haven for everyone. I am sometimes one of the ones who can be verbal when I see something that I consider foolish or a really bad choice - I do not do this on purpose and it is never meant with malice- I just sometimes see bad decisions being made and coated as being alright and I want to reach out and say that you did not have surgery to do this back to yourself... don't do it!! I am just trying to help and never mean to offend - just to make you think.... and to make better choices in the future..... Everyone has issues in their lives - even skinny people as Anne said -  no-one is perfect or has the perfect body....... so we do not need to set outselves up trying to be perfect - let's settle for healthy with a healthy lifestyle to match it.... Anne we love you and thank you for posting this! Jackie  

Ahhh, my lovely friend, Jackie.  I am so glad you wrote what you did because there's an important message in there that I would like to ellaborate on.  It doesn't show now, but there was a time when Ms. Jackie wasn't exactly my favorite person.  I was VERY new to my journey...I think only about 3 or maybe 4 weeks out.  I made some food choices that she saw to be questionable & responded in that non-sugar coated way that I mentioned in my beginning post here.  I took offense almost immediately, yet still tried to listen to what she had to say, mulled it over in my mind, & even conferred with my wl team.  It wasn't until that encounter with Jackie that I came to realize what I am trying to convey to you all now.  I wasn't prepared for what she had to say & still being under the after-effects of anesthesia & the whole whirlwind of emotions that come after surgery, that even though she was pitching, I just wasn't in a place to be able to catch it yet.  As it turned out, we were BOTH right.  I am so glad that time DOES heal all wounds & that we were able to move past our initial offset.  I would have cheated myself out of knowing a very fine lady & missed out on this wonderful friendship that is developing between us.   I have come to understand what drives Jackie & others like her that shoot from the hip.  I am one of those people as well.  As you newbies will come to find out with time, we truly are ohana here (for those that don't know...that is the Hawaiian word for family) & even ohana squable from time to time.  But if we are SMART & DEDICATED ohana, we will find a way to work through our problems & learn to see each other in the light that was intended.  That's why I said that no matter how the message is delivered here, the TRUE message is that we care & want to help.  No malice or meanness intended & none should be taken.  And to you, Jackie...thank you for sticking WITH me & BY me...it means more than you can know.

lol! And I could feel some of the message being aimed at me lol!!  I never was against you Anne   I just wanted you to be successful and not hurt yourself with bad choices...... my whole purpose was to help you be successful - but I could have been more dipolmatic I agree........ and I did back off for a while - but I so want you and everyone here to succeed and am very passionate about it!  I really do care..... I can see you are feeling all sentimental with this message Anne - I love you too!! Jackie