Help needed - big confession
Why would someone give you harsh criticism? You are very candor and very honest it is nothing to be ashamed of. I think depression can be a very normal thing. There are things that happen in our lives that are out of our control and can get very overwhelming. But there is one thing you need to remember, you are not superwoman and you can only control what is in your life. This is what I do. Take each issue, one at a time: "Here is some of what I am feeling: unappreciated, unaccepted, unintelligent, weak, failure, unable to do anything right for anyone, overwhelmed, unhappy, lost, screwed up and wrong in every way." Evaluate each on of these issues seperatly and try to find out why you are feeling this way. There is a reason and the reason is valid. Then come up with a solution on how to address the issue and resolve them. There is an answer. You are feeling this way for a reason and your body mind and spirit is telling you something needs to be changed. Once you figure out what is the issue and what can be done, start making goals to resolve it. Small goals and have a completion date. But also understand that things do happen and goals will need to be adjusted. (as you can tell I am very goal oriented). A goal is just a want but when there is a end date it becomes a reality. Resolution of the issues will not happen over night. So take your time with it. Really self evaluate yourself and your surrounding.
A therapist is a very tricky situation. You have shop around for the right therapist. One that you will fill comfortable with. In all aspects of life, we look shop around for what is the best fit. So why would you just go to any joe shmoe and trust them with the most valued position, you mental health?
For me, it took my mother forcing me to go talk to my doctor and he put me on medication. I am a huge believer in antidepressants - they made a big difference for me and others that I know. Like you, I've never been a huge fan of therapy - I hate sitting there talking about myself and all the things wrong with me. But I think that also has a huge amount to do with the therapist that you are seeing. I would definitely go and talk to your PCP. Mine had a one-page depression questionnaire that he gave me and then we were able to discuss my options.
I'm sure it works differently for everyone, but when I am depressed it literally feels like a huge weight is pressing down on me making even basic everyday stuff very very difficult. There was no way I could reason with myself or change behaviors at that point to help me. It wasn't until I had the medication that helped to lift that cloud that I was able to see clearly enough to be able to fight my way out of it. It didn't magically make me happy or my problems go away, but it made me able to think clearly so that I could tackle those problems.
I am also a huge, huge believer in the power of prayer. God says he won't give us more than we can handle, and those down times are the hardest times to believe it. I will be praying for you, because I know right now it's super hard to pray for yourself.
Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help - and keep us updated. It was so brave of you to post this - it's so much easier when you feel that way to retreat to yourself and hide from the world. All the best....
Sarah