Help needed - big confession

Ms Court
on 4/24/08 12:18 am - Remington, VA
Okay please no bashing or harsh criticism, I just don't think I could take it right now.  It is really hard for me to put this out there.   I need some help, suggestions, theories, experiences, etc. So I have come to the conclusion that I think I am suffering from depression.  I do not have a real history with this myself, some family history though.  I just feel blah about everything.  Here is some of what I am feeling: unappreciated, unaccepted, unintelligent, weak, failure, unable to do anything right for anyone, overwhelmed, unhappy, lost, screwed up and wrong in every way.  Of course my sleep is affected, I am constantly exhausted, my eating has been affected some but I am watching that closely, did not suceed on the quitting smoking because of the stress and fear of eating.  My moods have been very low lately.  I feel this way about every aspect of my life, not  just one or two areas.  Of course this is affecting everyone around me too. I don't really have anyone to completely talk to.  I have talked some with my hubby (he does know what is going on) and some with a good friend, but just don't feel comfortable completely opening up.  I don't think therapy will work, two other times in my life I tried it & again I just can't open up, and not really sure that financially I can swing it right now.  I do believe in therapy, (heck I have a psychology degree) but just not for myself.  I am working on the faith aspect of it all, but I am new to  it as an adult, and am really struggling with my growth there.  Don't have a church that I belong to (although we are looking for one), don't have anyone I can really turn to for guidance there either, and realize that I have to find my ground there on my own.  Every time I feel like I am taking a step forward of course something happens and I go several steps back.  My mind keeps trying to figure out where the problem is.  I have so much in my life but feel like I have nothing.  Is this age related as I just hit my 30's, is this weight related now that my hormones are functioning more normally and my system has been cleared of birth control, etc.  Do I just have a chemical imbalance and need to speak to my doctor and see what she suggests?  I hear so many people struggle with their prescriptions, weight gain, sleep issues, other nasty side affects, struggling to get the right combo.  I know there are some underlying issues causing some of this but they are things that I can't really control so to speak.  I just seem to have so many questions about things and no answers.  I just feel discouraged and frustrated because my will to fight through is low. Help!!!!!  I do have to say that the board is phenomenal and that by being able to be here every day & share with all, reading others experiences, etc.  It has been a tremendous help and part of what has kept me going.  Love you guys!!!!!!!!!

Courtney  305/155/150/225 high/goal/low/current 
**The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.  Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat...Albert Einstein ** 

          

    

Melissa N.
on 4/24/08 12:57 am - Stafford, VA

Why would someone give you harsh criticism?  You are very candor and very honest it is nothing to be ashamed of.  I think depression can be a very normal thing.  There are things that happen in our lives that are out of our control and can get very overwhelming.  But there is one thing you need to remember, you are not superwoman and you can only control what is in your life.  This is what I do.  Take each issue, one at a time:  "Here is some of what I am feeling: unappreciated, unaccepted, unintelligent, weak, failure, unable to do anything right for anyone, overwhelmed, unhappy, lost, screwed up and wrong in every way." Evaluate each on of these issues seperatly and try to find out why you are feeling this way.  There is a reason and the reason is valid.  Then come up with a solution on how to address the issue and resolve them.  There is an answer.  You are feeling this way for a reason and your body mind and spirit is telling you something needs to be changed.  Once you figure out what is the issue and what can be done, start making goals to resolve it.  Small goals and have a completion date.  But also understand that things do happen and goals will need to be adjusted.  (as you can tell I am very goal oriented).  A goal is just a want but when there is a end date it becomes a reality.  Resolution of the issues will not happen over night.  So take your time with it.  Really self evaluate yourself and your surrounding.

A therapist is a very tricky situation.  You have shop around for the right therapist.  One that you will fill comfortable with.  In all aspects of life, we look shop around for what is the best fit.  So why would you just go to any joe shmoe and trust them with the most valued position, you mental health? 

415/375/180/175
highest/surgery day/current/ goal
 

 
Ms Court
on 4/24/08 2:44 am - Remington, VA
Thanks for the suggestion.  This is where the overwhelmed comes in because I don't know where to start.  Setting some small goals and trying to tackle it may work.  I am going to have to think about it and see if I can come up with a plan.  Thanks so much for being here for me.

Courtney  305/155/150/225 high/goal/low/current 
**The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.  Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat...Albert Einstein ** 

          

    

Melissa N.
on 4/24/08 3:09 am - Stafford, VA
PM me.  I am transfering to Manassas next week with my job.  Maybe we can meet up and have a lite lunch or something.  I know it is very overwhelming.  I have battled depression my whole childhood and teen years. I was diagnosed with bipolar then borderline personality disorder...now nothing.  I have been on all types of meds in my past.  And if I get hit with a bout of depression that I can not handle, you bet  I will be in the Docs office for some assitance.  I went through something very tramatic when I was pregnant with my second child and did a lot of soul searching.  I have a different outlook on life.  I work with teen girls with the local domestic violence orgainization and facilitate their group.  It is the building healthy relationship class. I have morphed the group in a way that it also include life application or real life.  I do know, one of the hardest things when you are blue is when you feel there is no one there, and no one understands.  But we ARE here for you and some of us may understand as well!

415/375/180/175
highest/surgery day/current/ goal
 

 
Ms Court
on 4/24/08 8:52 am - Remington, VA
Will pm you later.  Lunch sounds great.  Thanks for sharing with me.

Courtney  305/155/150/225 high/goal/low/current 
**The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.  Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat...Albert Einstein ** 

          

    

Sarah N.
on 4/24/08 2:04 am - Richmond, VA
Oh Courtney, I so feel your pain. I have been there so many times. Both my mother and I struggle hugely with depression. It's so hard when you feel that way to think of your own way out of it!

For me, it took my mother forcing me to go talk to my doctor and he put me on medication. I am a huge believer in antidepressants - they made a big difference for me and others that I know. Like you, I've never been a huge fan of therapy - I hate sitting there talking about myself and all the things wrong with me. But I think that also has a huge amount to do with the therapist that you are seeing. I would definitely go and talk to your PCP. Mine had a one-page depression questionnaire that he gave me and then we were able to discuss my options.

I'm sure it works differently for everyone, but when I am depressed it literally feels like a huge weight is pressing down on me making even basic everyday stuff very very difficult. There was no way I could reason with myself or change behaviors at that point to help me. It wasn't until I had the medication that helped to lift that cloud that I was able to see clearly enough to be able to fight my way out of it. It didn't magically make me happy or my problems go away, but it made me able to think clearly so that I could tackle those problems.

I am also a huge, huge believer in the power of prayer. God says he won't give us more than we can handle, and those down times are the hardest times to believe it. I will be praying for you, because I know right now it's super hard to pray for yourself.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help - and keep us updated. It was so brave of you to post this - it's so much easier when you feel that way to retreat to yourself and hide from the world. All the best....

Sarah

Sarah   Adventures in Sarah's World                        (27 lbs. lost pre-op)      

 

27 pounds lost pre-op

Ms Court
on 4/24/08 2:46 am - Remington, VA
Thanks Sarah!  A lot of what you said clicked.  Maybe an appointment with my doctor is a good starting point.  Thanks for being here for me.

Courtney  305/155/150/225 high/goal/low/current 
**The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.  Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat...Albert Einstein ** 

          

    

Jen R.
on 4/24/08 2:09 am - VA
Dearest ,Sweetest Courtney, To begin with let me say that I am so proud of you for sharing your difficulties. Do NOT be ashamed. Please read my post :http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/VA/a,messageboard/action,r eplies/board_id,4847/cat_id,4447/topic_id,3592393/ You will see that I have had depression for years. Tomorrow I go to my psychiatrist to have my meds adjusted..because I find I am absorbing them differently now that hormones have settled as the weight loss has decreased. Start with your PCP. Tell him/her your concerns, your symptoms. I did not go to a therapist  for many many years. I was afraid to face the unknown. Therapists are kinda like shoe shopping; just because it looks good, the fit must be right. (and so must the time) As for cost, the YMCA offers counseling on a sliding scale, based on your income/ability to pay. I am always here to listen--we can have our own little support group within these boards because chances are one of us are going through or have been through something similar.  

    Jen      

 

Ms Court
on 4/24/08 2:47 am - Remington, VA
Jen, I read your post the other day it is was a light on a very bleak day that I desperately needed.  This has been a very difficult week for me.  Knowing there are others who care & understand has made such a difference.  Thanks for being here for me.

Courtney  305/155/150/225 high/goal/low/current 
**The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.  Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat...Albert Einstein ** 

          

    

mclean
on 4/24/08 2:25 am - Warrenton, VA
Hey my friend, You have been through so much lately it's now wonder you have hit a bump in the road. You lost your Grandma, you got married, you moved, you lost your father-in law. Those are all hugh stress and potential depression factors, except for the marriage part! I know you are thrilled to have found a terriffic new husband. Oh and the girls came along too, which I  also know you are  very happy about, but all of that new responsibility is stressful too! Basically you are a new MOM! The important thing here is that you recognise that something is not quite right and you are willing to find out how to help yourself.  You said you are seeking a new church and your faith is very important to you. Maybe you should step up your search in that regard. Maybe you need a new stinulus in your life, something different. Perhaps trying a new sport or exercise regimin. I went to the extreme with this and took a Scuba Diving class which was a personal challange that I needed. It was something I always wanted to do and I found myself so invigerated learning something new! Is there some kind of sport that you always thought was fun and you'd like to try? This way you get a mental and physical stimulus! It's also something that would get you out of the house and keep you busy! Can you walk away from your second job yet? Maybe you need some me time? I think you need some excitement in your life or maybe some pampering or both! The counceling issue I think is a delicate one, like the other person said, it can be very beneficial if you found the right person to work with. Talk to Sally. I've met a psychologist that has come to the Saple Club that I really liked come to think of it! I think Sally definately could be helpful. Lets do lunch soon. I haven't had a chance to speak to you much the last couple of times I saw you. Take care and I hope this helps! Ann/McLean
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