Accountability and Honesty - Mine

I'm asking for help. Again. It seems that since the last time I posted about my struggles, I have spiraled some more and now find myself trying to climb out of the darkness. Will this ever end? I haven't felt like I "deserved" to be here on the Board and certainly did not feel worthy enough to ask for help or even to give support (because I've titled myself a failure). Well, no more. It's the first day of a new month. It's the first day of my new attitude. I will not let these demons continue to torture me! I have been giving in to them by eating horribly (and feeling just as bad) and by shopping and spending, spending and shopping. You can imagine how fun it is to live in my house these days! My husband is furious with me because of my spending, my son is scared because of the food that I have been eating... and I have been isolating myself in every possible way. So I am going to be accountable for my decisions, behavior and outlook. And I am going to try, once again, to fire the Town Meeting in my head (or at least send them on a long vacation).  My promises right now: I am not going to step inside of a store or do any online purchases for the entire month of May. I am going to eat the way my body is asking me to eat... not the way my head and the Town Meeting want me to eat. I am going to move this body of mine at least 30 minutes a day, hopefully out in the fresh air.  I am going to try and stay focused and get caught up at work.  And most importantly, I am going to stay connected to all of you and ask for help. As much as I need to. I'm going to check in here every single day and let you know how I am doing. And I'm going to try and offer as much support to others, since that always makes me feel good. I am so uncomfortable even typing the "ask for help" words of that last commitment!! But I have to ignore that discomfort, or at least acknowledge that it comes from a place of shame and self-hatred and has no basis in my current reality. Accountabiliy. Self-respect. Self-love. Courage. Focus. Determination. Connection. Friendship. I am striving for these everyday. I want to help everyone else so much, but I guess I have to help myself first so that I can come to everyone in a whole, realistic and more healthy way (but not a perfect way, which is the trap I fall into so often). So there's my story in a (cracked) nutshell. I've been arguing with myself all morning about even posting, so I'm just going to put this out there and keep reminding myself that this is a good idea.

You are a very strong woman, Mary, in spite of how you have been feeling, and posting like you have is proof positive!  We are all here for you, to help you through this.  The people on this Board are good, caring people who will be here through the good and bad, the ups and downs -- Heaven knows there are probably very few of us who haven't been in a bad place or won't be there at some point -- and knowing that there are others who are out there who care, makes a big difference.  It's a new month -- and it is Spring -- a great time to start fresh.  Hang in there -- and know that if you need anything, I am here.  :)

You have done a great job identifying the obstacles you are coming across and determining a plan of action!  You are on the right course.  We are here for you!  Know you are not alone and it is OKAY to ask for help when you need help!  I'll PM you my phone if you need to chat.  BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!

mary, i just pm'd you. i have been thinking about you a lot lately. call if you need to. i am on the bus from 1:15p till 4:15p

Ok, Mary...you know I love you, and I love you more now.

To begin with, you are NOT a failure....you are HUMAN!  You have made some poor choices - you recognize that and are ready to just move on.  Like I told you in my email, get out of that tocix relationship you are having with your self.  Tell him to pack his sh*t and get the "f" out of town......PERIOD!

You are worthy of everything life has to offer you.  You must remind youself and BELIEVE it everyday.  Sound arrogant?  Yes, to a point you deserve to be arrogant.  You have accomplished ALOT and you deserve to relish in the moments. So...now that it's the beginning of the month and you have defiantely made your May goals...write them down and post them everywhere you visit so as to constantly remind yourself that you want to accomplish them.  Check in here daily to be accountable. WE can do this TOGETHER! See you this weekend!

Lots of Love to you Mary!  I know a lot of what you are feeling.  We can all get through this & are all here for each other. 

You are talking the right talk and walk the right walk. Get the right food in the house and get yourself outside for a walk. You can do this. I look forward to your next post.

Atta girl Mary. You CAN do this. You CAN ask for help. To get you moving and commit to it, look at my post of Womans Challenge. It hold you accountable by requiring you to post your exercise. We will zap those demons together. PM me anytime.

Mary  i sent you an answer to your email - we are all here for you!! Let me know what you thonk of what I said Love you!! Jackie